Donald Trump has been championing a return to outer space ever since he took office, and it’s pretty much the only decent idea he’s had in his life.
Now it turns out, to the surprise of absolutely nobody with any sense, that he has an ulterior motive for doing so.
Trump admitted last night that he was looking for a place to hide his tax returns where the IRS couldn’t get at them.
“These documents are absolutely totally top secret,” he explained. “It is vital for national security that they are placed beyond the reach of anyone who would do harm to your glorious leader – uh, nation, glorious nation, that’s it.”
Rumours were rife that he intended sending the documents on a mission to Mars stocked full of explosives which would be accidentally detonated once the shuttle left the earth’s atmosphere, until he realised that he might have need to look at the documents himself at some point.
This wouldn’t prevent an accidental explosion from taking place on the return trip, until it was pointed out that there was no guarantee of him being the only person who would know the exact location in which the files were hidden.
Trump spent several minutes pondering this one before finally coming up with an answer.
“I’ll lead the mission myself. When we land I’ll go off on my own and take the top secret documents with me and hide them somewhere no one else can find them and I won’t tell anyone where they are.”
This will involve making a special spacesuit for him so he can move about without being traced.
The senior astronaut on the mission, Major Tom Starr-Mann had this to say:
“The idea is foolproof. We can touch down, drop him off so he can hide his files, and the minute he’s out of the landing craft, we shut the doors and blast back off again.”
Other senior NASA officials were quick to get behind this plan, all agreeing that it would be worth every penny spent if it comes off.
The Martian launch is scheduled to take place just as soon as they can build a powerful enough rocket to carry such a weight of financial mismanagement into orbit. We wish them luck.