BREXIT : Theresa May is said to be planning a ‘bold offer’ to get MPs’ support for her Brexit deal when she tries to get parliament to pass it again in June for the umpteenth time.
”The timing is important,” a Downing Street strategist revealed, “we have to wait until after the EU election results are in for maximum impact. This is why the ransom letters, I mean, personalised letters requesting support are being prepared now. Let’s get them right this time. Find out first what’s important to MPs and threaten, I mean, cajole them in the soft spot.”
How long it will take to prepare nearly 650 individual threats, we mean requests for support, is anyone’s guess, as few people have tried to govern an entire country by blackmail for so long before and needed an old stack of newspapers to do so.
”She’s been spending too much time in talks with Labour,” our analyst muses, “their entire EU election campaign is one of emotional and political blackmail, and a self-contradictory one at that. Vote a Brexit pushing Labour to stop Farage and the far right? When Farage’s only policy at all is Brexit? That makes about as much sense as realising you’re the frog in the slowly boiling pot and demanding someone puts a lid on.”
The political blackmail of their supporters came as a shock too. Bargain basement stuff.
“So much time in talks with Tories? It must have rubbed off. Or I guess, given how long May has been at threats and blackmail and ransom with parliament, maybe it rubbed the other way? Either way there’s a lot of rubbing.”
So what impact will the personalised letters have?
”It depends on the MP,” our analyst believes, “Lammy will most likely put a photo of it on Twitter and tell May to get stuffed. Former Labour voters will rightly swoon and wonder why this man of conviction and courage isn’t Labour leader?
”Cooper will carefully deconstruct it and tie May in knots with her own cut and pasting next time she’s before a select committee. Former Labour voters will shake their heads and think, if only she was leader…sigh.”
”Corbyn will agree to being blackmailed in principle, but demand that he blackmails himself, as if that is somehow better?
”Morgan, Boles, Kinnock and numerous others will agree that extortion is the right way to govern the country, but they’ll request endlessly that they get to choose the family member, or prized possession, that is held hostage,
”Change U.K. MPs will just be thrilled someone actually wanted to write to them, was able to not only write but address the letter correctly, given they’re constantly moving offices,
”Lucas will ignore it and recycle it,
”The Libdems will crack a joke off the back of it, further endearing them to their supporters,
”And the ERG will be giddy, wondering which one of their ERG chums fancies them enough to write an anonymous love letter. So total success. The hallmark of May’s decisions while in office.”