DEMOLITION SQUAD : LCD Views has heard today from a giant sea monster in the Thames, currently just hanging about next to Westminster.
The monster first appeared last week, horned head rising slowly out of the water, coincidentally at the same time as the Tory press started bigging up Johnson’s chances of replacing Theresa May in the looming Conservative Party leadership contest.
”Oh, it’s no coincidence,” the giant sea monster says, “that’s why I’m here.”
Have you come to vote in the contest? Are you a Tory Party monster?
”I’m not that old!” the eternal, avenging force of nature scoffed, “and I suspect, if I were to enter politics in an ongoing, professional capacity it would probably be as an indepdent.”
But you’re a supporter of Johnson?
”It’s no wonder the human world is just begging for it,” the monster replied, “did you prepare these questions in advance or are you just making them up on the hoof?”
So you’re not a supporter of Johnson.
(pained silence)
”No. I. Am. Not.”
Dominic Raab then?
”OMG! He only just worked out he lives on an island.”
The guy with too many kitchens? Liz Truss? Javid? Davis? Hunt? Gove?
”The list of talents goes some distance doesn’t it.”
You better just tell us.
”None of the above.”
Then why are you here?
”To level the place. I would have thought that obvious. Restore balance.”
Oh. Of course. Giant sea monster thank you for your time.
”I would like to say my pleasure, but I won’t. You remember that sentiment when I’m using the Elizabeth Tower as a cricket bat. Ah, the knock of masonry on timber.”