EYES DOWN AND TAKE IT : The UK is crowing today, even with its downcast gaze, after the overnight news it now tops the GLOBAL GROWTH index for feelings of humiliation.
“Donald Trump’s visit clinched it,” Head of Humiliation policy at the totally independent think tank, Make UK Small Again, Professor Noir Cash, told LCD Views, “prostituting ourselves out to the greatest self serving bigot on the face of the planet? Nice work. We really nailed it. Of course we’re only just edging the USA into second place, but we’re confident we can open up a lead as the Conservative leadership race drags on through the summer.”
And open up a substantial lead we look certain to do. Be proud.
“As long as Brexit remains the official policy of the UK’s government and alternative government, the laughingly named ‘official opposition’, it’s hard to see the yanks pegging us back. Well, unless they fail to impeach the orange twatzinger before the 2020 US presidential campaign kicks into gear.”
The news of the UK’s dominance in feelings of humiliation, and the swell of pride it is causing in the country, will only be bolstered by the knowledge that the majority of the remaining EU27 countries are so far down the league table as to be out of sight.
“Losers. The lot of them,” Professor Noir Cash shrugged, “we’re pulling away from them now we’ve taken back control. They want to focus on Brexit Britain and what a success we’re making of Empire 2.0. Take. Back. Control. It’s the only way to succeed in a 21st century increasingly defined by regional power blocs.”
Street parties are planned shortly to celebrate our success. Tory MPs suggestions that they involve madam’s in leather gear with whips and really demeaning lines in chat are being considered as we speak.
Take it Global Britain. You know you want it. The only safe word is ‘Revoke Article 50’ and neither the temporary leader of the Tories, the prospective leaders, or any shadow front bench MPs are mouthing that as they grimace in the shackles.