Tories to choose new leader based on who will upset the most foreigners

MANNERS MAKETH THE COUNTRY: Pick me! Pick me! The contest to replace Theresa May as Tory Party leader, and very possibly prime minister, is heating up, with a clear front and rear runner.

”Rory Stewart has no chance at all,” our leadership analyst muses (we’re not so sure), “he’s prepared to smoke opium just to keep foreigners happy. The Tory Party, being composed predominantly of well heeled, well salted gammon, will take a very dim view of that. What else will he do if prime minister? He might attempt to make friends. Can he be guaranteed to swan about the world, Trumpesque, laying the diplomatic equivalent of number two’s? Reminding everyone he encounters that the SUN NEVER SETS ON THE BRITISH EMPIRE!”

We can see why he’s the rear runner.

”Sajid Javid? He’s striving to show he can upset foreigners. In fact as Home Office minister he’s going to great strides to follow in Theresa May’s foul footsteps. But he’s got Buckley’s. Most of the Conservative membership probably think he is a foreigner and are puzzled why he’s in government.”

What about Dominic Raab?

”Who?”

Dominic Raab. He was Brexit Secretary until he realised he was Brexit Secretary.

”Oh. Well he’s a good middle of the pack runner. He knows how to upset the French. That was on display when he discovered Calais. But he’s not carrying enough tools for the job. He needs to go and get stuck into people further away. We need global reach.”

Michael Gove?

”No way! He’s done more to boost Latin American exports than anyone else in the contest. He’s supposed to be making Britain great again. We’re a global trading powerhouse who only exports, never imports. As such he can go away.”

What about the number two after this week’s ballot, Jeremy Hunt?

”Now he has some form. I’ll give you that. He can’t tell if his wife is Chinese or Japanese, for reasons no one knows except himself. He compared the EU to the Soviet Union. He thought Slovenia was a Soviet vassal state too. Clearly his Cold War knowledge is as sketchy as his Far East facial recognition system. That’s why he polled second highest.”

And the front runner, Boris Johnson?

”Surely this needs no explanation. In a contest revolving around xenophobia as a pre-condition, Mr Johnson is far away in the lead. If you can name a people on the face of the Earth he hasn’t insulted then we’ll let him know so he can get right on it.”

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