HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND PANIC INSTEAD : The UK’s next Prime Minister, if he can keep his mouth shut, Boris Johnson, has been advised by primate specialists from London Zoo to hide as much as possible during the leadership contest.
“It’s because of his poor impulse control,” Professor Whawhahaaa! told LCD Views in an exclusive interview, “he’s little more restraint than an adolescent male chimpanzee. So we’re talking almost zero.”
But how did you get the message through to Mr Johnson?
“We first got his attention with some straight bananas. Traditional British grown ones, you know, the bendy kind? A bunch of them wouldn’t have caught his eye. But a line of straight ones and he was right over there.”
Clever. What next?
“Then we rigged up a mannequin in a blonde wig and put it on a little set of tracks. As he approached it we used a remote control device to wheel it into a cave.”
He must have thought he was in then!
“He did. He lumbered straight into the cave. But when he got inside we’d already removed the blonde via a hidden door. At first he seemed to think she was playing hard to get, then he became angry and started throwing his scat at the walls and displaying his chest.”
And after that?
“We tranquillised him. We placed him in a chair and weighed him down with copies of The Telegraph. When he regained consciousness we advised him to just stay there. Do not move. Do not go out into public. Do not commit anymore adultery. Do not speak. Just basically stay out of sight until Tuesday night.”
But won’t he just explode with pent up emotions?
“Quite probably. But it will only result in another Telegraph column and anyone who reads that has ditched all notion of critical evaluation of Mr Johnson. So no harm will be done to his reputation.”
But other people already have a poor opinion that may well get worse.
“That doesn’t matter. They don’t get to vote on who is to be the UK’s next prime minister.