It’s a hard life, and sometimes you know when you are in too deep. Matt Hancock has recognised that Boris is the alpha male in the competition to f*ck the UK. He has retreated to get on with the job in hand.
“I wasn’t getting the satisfaction I wanted,” said Hancock, zipping up. “So I withdrew, went to my office and got on with what I do best.”
Which is?
“I’m Health Secretary, which means I have to look after myself,” he replied, wiping his hands. “Also, and this is completely unconnected, there’s this listeria outbreak to investigate.”
Which listeria outbreak?
“There have been deaths from contaminated hospital food,” replied Hancock, slamming down the lid of his laptop. “Hand on cock, I mean hand on heart, I have no idea how contamination could have entered either the pig’s head sandwiches or the cut-price bargain mayonnaise.”
In order to unravel these mysteries, LCD Views’ Private Passions correspondent spoke to Hancock’s long standing friend, Ivanka Lott.
“Matt’s always been a very private person,” says Ivanka. “He’s always been a solo operator. If you want a job doing, he always says, do it yourself. Mrs Hancock allegedly wants children, but is destined to be disappointed.”
There is no way he would ever be able to compete with Boris, Ivanka remarks. “Boris spaffs money up the wall,” she observes. “Matt spaffs money in private and conceals the evidence. The People like a man who proudly presents his personal peccadillos to the public. Matt is neat and tidy. Boris makes a lot of noise and a lot of mess, and expects someone else to clear up after him. The People just lap it up!”
Hancock entered with confidence, but his campaign soon went limp. We can only surmise how he consoled himself.
Fifteen minutes of fame? Let’s be generous and call it Hancock’s Half Hour.