NONE OF THE ABOVE : Polling by SomeoneGuv released today has revealed that an empty chair now tops the polling as the preferred next prime minister of the United Kingdom.
“The previous frontrunner, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, thought he was playing a canny game by hiding from everyone in the country as much as possible, but it seems the strategy has now become too much of a good thing. People are beginning to like the idea of his absence. So it’s not really a shock that an empty chair, the symbol of his absence, should seize the opportunity with relish.”
What relish isn’t exactly clear, but it’s believed Branston Pickle is the most likely relish the chair has taken hold of.
“How Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson will respond to suddenly finding himself a distant second to an empty chair is not yet clear, but it’s believed he may risk sitting on it.”
That in itself is seen as a high risk move, surely?
“Indeed. The moment he sits on the chair people will be reminded why they favour it so empty. Especially when you consider the calm, sturdy nature of a solid piece of furniture and its inability to talk an endless steam of bollocks.”
It seems now that the chair has captured the public imagination there is little to stop it opening up a lead so commanding the other contenders to be prime minister may as well give up and start asking for a job in cabinet.
“Four legs, a back, prepared to support people without reference to race, gender or sexual orientation? Able to change direction when required by circumstance, but otherwise consistent in where it faces, what isn’t to like about an empty chair in preference to that bumbling blonde catastrophe Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson?”