PROFESSIONAL MOURNERS REQUIRED : LCD VIEWS HAS THE EXCLUSIVE TODAY that the secret Whitehall contest to choose the United Kingdom’s epitaph has chosen a winner.
“Brexity McBrexit McFuckface beats ‘Whom the Gods would destroy they first make mad’ in a poll of civil servants,” our Whitehall fly on the wall reveals, “and no one is complaining at all.”
While the winner references the competition to name a big boat, there is clearly no danger of David Attenborough being involved in the wording as an alternative, as unlike other aged national treasures he’s shown himself to be completely against Brexit.
Which is a bloody relief, I can tell you, when you consider Cleese, Caine, Daltrey and others.
“Although the entire lyrics of ‘My Generation’ were in the running early on to be chiseled complete on the tombstone. This was abandoned because very many of that generation aren’t actually kippers and it wasn’t fair to tar them with the same brush as the gammon faced lunatics they stuff Question Time full of.”
‘Evil appears as good in the minds of those whom god leads to destruction’ was also in the running, but fell at the last hurdle in preference of the more contemporary phrasing.
“Calls to cancel the result and have someone in cabinet decide what to chisel into the stone have been ignored, because it’s blood obvious now that anyone serving in the cabinet is too crazy to be trusted with a task of such gravity.”
The gravestone will now be prepared and stored at public expense.
In the event any Brexit occurs it will be revealed to the public to reassure them that plans to continue sound and stable governance (of a soon to be deceased thereafter United Kingdom) have long been in place.