CARRIE, COME BACK BABE, I’LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN : The nearest 24 hour petrol station to 10 Downing Street is reportedly stocking up on emergency bouquets of flowers, as the tantalising prospect of a Boris Johnson government draws close.
“His private life is already a soap opera,” a source at TV Central told LCD Views, “the ratings are huge. It consumes the media and public attention day after day. News cycle reliant satire pages have no choice but to write about it, because that’s the only news! Just wait until Boris and Carrie settle into Downing Street. Day one they’ll probably start arguing over whether to hang a portrait of Boris as Jupiter in the lobby, or one of Carrie as Venus!”
Such pinch points are certain to cause drama to flare. It’s a good thing the door to Downing Street is so thick, and the windows quadruple glazed, or all the neighbours won’t be able to help hearing them.
And plans are already afoot to film the daily travails of Britain’s next first man and his current girlfriend.
“We think a fly on the wall style show would be the best format,” our source says, “Boris just wants to dominate the headlines, he doesn’t seem to actively give a flying what’s it about anything else, so we expect he’ll be well up for it. As to what Carrie thinks? Who cares! He certainly doesn’t, judging by how loudly she has to insist he removes his tub of lard off her. But maybe she’ll be touched if people take the spin on Coronation Street, Boronation Street, and nickname the ratings hit ‘Carrie’, instead of Corrie!”
And like a good modern soap opera it is almost certain to focus on hot social topics. Things like adultery, love children, more adultery, public v private life in the age of social media, racism and how to promote it (go Boris!), and even possibly, domestic violence?
But Boronation Street is just one of the potential titles for the show. There are many in the mix.
“It’s not nailed down yet, just like Boris’s bid to be PM,” our source added, “we’re also considering calling the show about a bed hopping PM, and the domestics his expected rampant infidelities will cause, CountryEnders, Shaggerdale, Bollocksoaks, Lieside, Shaggers City, Affairs (we’ve shortened Family Affairs, because family doesn’t seem overly necessary) or Willyside. It’s hard to get away from sex as a central theme. But that’s just Boris being Boris!”
And as a final tidbit, in advance of filming, every British soap opera has to have a pub, and the pub in Boronation Street is no exception.
“The Shaggers Return of course,” our source smirks, “which is a little ironic, because if the shagger is Boris, he’s not likely to.”