Revealed: Farage’s plot to fake own assassination with giant milkshake!

It’s no secret that Nigel Farage will do anything to get what he wants, but the full extent of that “anything” is only now becoming clear after a document was leaked to LCD Views detailing how Farage has been considering a move that sounds like it comes right out of a thriller.

The document in question refers to a plot by Farage to fake his own assassination in an attempt to gain martyr status for his own ends.

The leaked papers include finding a supporter of roughly the same height and build as Farage, giving him plastic surgery to make him into his doppelganger, and, through a series of intermediaries, hiring a hitman armed with a giant milkshake to take out said double at a high profile event, thus leading the world to think that Farage had been assassinated, thereby bringing sympathy to his cause.

The document makes the shocking statement “it worked for Abraham Lincoln so why not me?” – proving even further that there are no limits to his crass dismissive attitude towards people who disagree with him.

The document makes no final decisions on the identities of the people involved, but suggested a few names for each task. Plastic surgeon Luke Laikham was shocked to be under consideration:

“I can’t believe he’d have the nerve!” he said. “Turning a person into the absolute duplicate of someone famous is against my professional ethics.”

This was a refreshing statement, as we didn’t know their profession had any. It was also typical of the reactions of all other surgeons on the list. All plastic surgeons are now being asked to report any suspicious requests to authorities before proceeding with them. This may not stop Farage’s team from finding a disreputable one, of which there are definitely a few out there.

The job of the assassin had fewer candidates, and it seems here they were looking for someone who already hated Farage, as this meant he would be more likely to do the job for less. Top candidate Paul “the Trigger” Gunn-Mann (not his real name, that has been withheld for legal reasons) had this to say when approached:

“You mean I’d be offered a sum to drown that kipper in milk only for it to turn out that I’d killed some innocent dupe? That’s it. First chance I get I’m shooting him in the balls – well, the ball, given like his 1930’s hero he only has one. And I’m gonna make bloody sure it’s him before I do.”

Farage himself would be sitting quietly in the wings of this, hiding from the public eye before returning after a discreet interval (and some plastic surgery of his own so as not to be recognised) as his own heir apparent.

While the revelation was shocking, we at LCD Views don’t believe the plan would have been successful. Farage just doesn’t have the willpower to keep out of the public eye long enough to pull it off.

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