I will freeze the living wage, says man unable to survive on an MP’s salary

The poor little rich boy is planning the announcement to coincide with the next outbreak of Brexit Party idiocy. The living wage will see no increases under his leadership, he will say.

Unfortunately he is also on record for claiming that he could not survive on a cabinet minister’s salary of £141,000, or roughly £50 an hour. Someone must have been spaffing money up the wall.

LCD Views’ Root Of All Evil correspondent contacted Boris Johnson’s office to find out why a living wage of £8.21 an hour is plenty, but £50 isn’t.

“Obviously Boris misspoke,” dissembled spokesnumpty Fay Sparm. “But he has a point. When you tot up all the amounts he has to pay, it comes to a fair whack. Especially as he can’t claim it all back on expenses like in the old days.”

Surely that’s why an MP gets paid more than most people.

“Boris isn’t most people,” says Sparm. “His hush money, I mean child maintenance payments, are astronomical. He had to take the writing job on the Telegraph just to make ends meet, and to make sure he has sufficient vintage champagne for breakfast.”

Hardly a man of the people, then.

“Depends which people you mean.”

Fair point.

But how can he expect his subjects to get by on £8.21 an hour while he can’t survive on £50?

“The rules don’t apply to Boris,” claimed Sparm triumphantly. “He can be charmingly incompetent, and insult all and sundry, and everybody loves him. It puts him in the same bracket as the Duke of Edinburgh!”

And I suppose the other expenses are totting up, too.

“Well obviously the recent incident with his lover, Carrie Onfighting, has cost Boris dear,” admitted Sparm. “Sofas and laptops cost money, and people like Boris don’t just pop down to IKEA like the rest of us. And Harrod’s delivery charges have gone through the roof now all the immigrant labour has buggered off!”

That’s OK, then. Carry on spaffing.

MOD Study reveals Chris Grayling and cockroaches would survive a nuclear war on assumption Chris Grayling will have caused it

GROUND ZERO: A NEW MOD STUDY has revealed that both Chris Grayling MP and cockroaches would survive a nuclear war, and not even the detonation of the Earth’s complete nuclear arsenal would be enough to remove him from government.

“We started on the premise that Chris Grayling was made Secretary of State for Defence,” an MOD spokesman revealed, “in the likely scenario that Penny Mordaunt has a diving contest to attend and an emergency replacement is required. Additionally, all other ministers will have deserted Theresa May’s government after the 7th attempt to pass her Brexit deal. It was pretty straightforward from there. Within hours he had accidentally launched missiles at a nuclear armed foreign power while attempting to change his MOD email password.”

While it’s no surprise that he continues to enjoy the perks of ministerial office, in spite of destroying every brief he touches.

“He’s exceptionally good at moving taxpayer money into the pockets of private companies,” the spokesman noted, “this is why he is still in post. He is actually a high achiever in terms of modern Conservative aims. The outcomes aren’t important. How much you get out of the public purse for private interests is.”

But it’s not clear what the cockroaches would think, should they find themselves finally rulers of all they surveyed, freed from having to hide and scurry about, only to discover the same applied for Chris Grayling.

“I suspect the cockroaches will be smart enough to work it out,” the spokesman mused, “they’d probably privatise Chris Grayling himself, put him in charge of the operation himself and wait for his complete destruction.”

Health Secretary says Max Headroom app and Siri will make up GP shortfall

VITAL SIGNS : Health Secretary Matt Handmemyrooster has hit back at claims the government is killing the NHS today, amid figures showing zero nurses left and only one GP to cover the entirety of the UK.

“It’s all going to plan,” someone claiming to be Matt told LCD View’s Health Correspondent, “I’ve paid an American based digital design firm, who specialise in apps for the health industry, £5bn to come up with an app that solves any demand and supply issues for NHS customers.”

Under the plans, revealed here today, British health customers will be able to access an AI GP with a new app, fitting called AIGP (pronounced Aaargh).

“Aargh will take the UK’s health sector into the profit margins of the 21st century,” Little Matty enthused, “customers simply have to download Aaargh from the app store and away they go, professional consultations at your fingertips for a small subscription fee.”

The design team have really excelled themselves, LCD Views agrees, by combining the retro-style of 80’s counterculture classic Max Headroom, with the functionality of Siri.

You will feel right at home the moment you open the app for the first time. Next you just respond to prompts for symptoms, these are needed so Max can adopt the right level of (Tory) manic cynicism to prescribe any treatment, from antibiotics for a raging skin infection to surgery to remove excess cerebral material prompting brain worms like ‘wtf fuckin’ Tories’ and ‘this is bullshit’.

“It should be noted though that this app will only work on iPhones, so anyone possessing an android will need to enter the new National Lottery prize draw for a consultation with the last human GP left. Which is ironic, when you consider the app based service is an android. Funny old world.”

As a side note, it’s believed the change in terminology from patients to customers is a key plank of preparing the NHS for the future. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

“Need your appendix removed?” Matt adds, “there’s an app for that. Smiley face with wink.”

No Matt, actually there’s not, but good luck with that tie up with private health.



Chris Grayling to pay cancelled No Deal Brexit ferry contract fees with NHS nurses

PUBLIC MONEY IS FREE MONEY : Transport boss Chris Grayling has announced he is to pay the cancelled No Deal Brexit emergency ferry contract fees with actual NHS nurses.


“I want to correct you there,” the Transport Guru said, after hearing we were writing this in-depth analysis of his work, “we won’t only be paying the shipping companies with NHS staff, some of the £50m owing will be paid in teachers and school meals that would otherwise have gone to underprivileged children.”

It’s presumed this manner of paying contracts owing solely out of attempts by the executive to bully MPs and frighten voters is only possible because of the hard work the public unified to undertake with austerity?

”Yes. The entirety of the United Kingdom tightened their belts, well, under a certain earning threshold, and this built in huge reserves of economic units, like nurses and teachers, that would otherwise have been squandered by poor people in our communities. Austerity was not a con.”

But how does he counter accusations that he can’t settle government debts, no matter irresponsibly created, with actual people? That it’s incredibly medieval.

”All the teachers and nurses will be free to sub-contract and be actually employed in our hospitals, via private employment agencies specialising in recruiting for the NHS, and for increasing the cost of running the service to the gain of Conservative Party supporters. So there is nothing to worry about.”

But shouldn’t the ministers, and the prime minister, responsible for this appalling and wasteful exercise pay for it out of their own pockets?

”Oh, don’t be silly. This is all part of the Brexit the British people overwhelmingly voted for. And I don’t think that the Kremlin linked figure paid quite so much for dinner with the prime minister on Monday,” Mr Failing chuckled, “it was a much more modest fee.”

Food banks permitted to charge for non-essential items

Starvation Minister Amber Rudd refused to rule out introducing charges to use food banks. Non-essential items, such as potatoes, would become chargeable under new regulations.

This came about as Rudd linked food bank usage to the success of Universal Credit. “Thanks to benefit changes, waiting times for food banks are down to as little as five weeks,” claimed Rudd’s spokesfatty, Eaton Pye. “I don’t think that’s unreasonable. After all, the average overweight benefit scrounger can survive for 35-40 days without food, with only a small chance of physical or psychological damage or death.”

Universal Credit failures are cited as one of the reasons for food bank use in the first place. “And that’s why charging is essential,” said Pye. “It will eliminate the freeloaders, so that only the truly needy will be able to obtain vital supplies of own-brand tinned marrowfat peas.”

LCD’s Food For Thought correspondent researched the charging schedule more closely. The list of chargeable items was surprisingly long. All fruit and vegetables will be paid-for (except Brussels sprouts). Bread, rice and biscuits all attract payment (“Let them eat cake!” chortled Pye), as do many other common foodstuffs like eggs and cheese.

“Cheese, unfortunately, cannot be exempt,” said Pye. “As one of our most popular items, a tariff must be applied to stifle demand. Customers may instead obtain bottles of milk way past their sell-by date, and produce their own cheeses.”

We put it to Pye that food banks were becoming, in essence, supermarkets in all but name. “No, not at all,” Pye retorted. “We are literally giving away food. All claimants have to do is to turn up and complete an application form only 32 pages long. Time to process this must be allowed, and if a claim is upheld, then claimants may choose from all the items we stock that Aldi can’t actually sell.”

“Please, can I have some more?” “No, of course not! What do you think this is, Dickensian London?”

Android designers disappointed with AI prototype

The world’s first vaguely convincing prototype android, the TM-1, is due to be withdrawn shortly. Its designers are disappointed with it, and have identified flaws which mean they will have to go back to the drawing board.

Head designer Art Uditu explained the problems. “There are various major problems with the TM-1,” he explained. “There are many minor faults developing, but the three most serious ones are causing a lot of headaches for our maintenance chaps.”

Uditu listed the three main flaws – voice, facial expression, and odd bodily movements. “The voice chip is down to a small selection of random remarks, like ‘We will deliver on the result of the referendum’, and ‘Let me be very clear about this’,” he said. “The algorithm which creates realistic facial expressions has basically crashed, and the TM-1 moves like a mating giraffe in a high wind.”

Attempts to dance or curtsey have also contributed to damaged motor function bearings. This means that the TM-1 could be temporarily housed in a wheeled metal shell. “Given that the android looks more and more like Davros every day, that is a logical step,” remarked Uditu sagely.

Uditu was quick to point out that the TM-1 would not be equipped with extermination capacity. This, he said, would be unnecessary given the TM-1’s indirect attempts to exterminate the UK population through food and medicine shortages.

Meanwhile, robots and androids from across the universe were busy denying any kinship with the TM-1.

“It’s like comparing an abacus to a spaceship,” grumbled Marvin the paranoid android. “It hurts just thinking down to its level. I’m not getting you down, am I?”

“I wouldn’t be seen dismantled with it,” claimed C-3PO haughtily. “And that’s from someone whose best friend is a bleeping dustbin!”

Rumours abound of the existence of another AI prototype, codenamed JC-2, which suffers from chronic power failures.

The TM-1 is due to be decommissioned on 29 March 2019. Uditu is working on a replacement, but is having trouble obtaining supplies from the EU.

Baby born in a stable because the maternity unit was closed down

“Hey Joe, are we nearly there yet?” asked Mary. She was anxious because her contractions were becoming more frequent. It was going dark, and still the little town, his ancestral home, was nowhere to be seen.

“Nearly there,” grumbled Joe. He, too, was tired, and irritated that his fiancée was pregnant, and that the baby wasn’t his. “Holy Spirit, my arse,” he thought to himself. “There’s a cottage hospital on the edge of the town, I’ll take you there,” he said, out loud this time.

But when they finally arrived, they discovered that the maternity unit had been closed as an efficiency measure.

Mary was desperate, so they ducked into an empty stable. The powerful security light came on, but nevertheless Mary gave birth in relative privacy. She wrapped her son in a blanket and laid him in a feeding trough. Then she crashed out on a bale of hay while Joe went outside for a fag.

Immediately the sound of singing filled the air. “Hark! The herald angels sing! Glory to…” carolled an angelic voice. “Oh hi, Joe!” said the voice, as he stuck his head out of the stable door. “Angela! Hi!” he replied. “Err, could you get us some help? Mary’s just had her baby!” Angela flew away to spread the Good News.

Shortly afterwards there came a knock on the door and two Shepherds came in. Mr and Mrs Shepherd were old family friends. “We were just washing our socks by night,” remarked Mr Shepherd, “when Angela Lord came down and told us about the baby.”

“Why didn’t you go to the hospital?” asked Mrs Shepherd. “Closed,” said Joe. “There was no room at the Infirmary.”

Soon after that, a coach load of old people from Norwich stopped, seeing the bright light above the place where the baby lay. They all cooed over the little boy, and agreed that Jesus was a lovely name. Three of them searched among their bags and gave him gifts.

Then the old people returned to Norwich by another route, because they had been warned that the A14 was closed for resurfacing over Christmas.

Angela poked her head around the door again. “Sorry guys, but the chap who owns the stable is on his way,” she said. “If he catches you, he’ll kill you! I’d get out, if I were you.”

So they scarpered, and lived happily ever after.

£2bn is a small price to pay to avoid an admission of failure, says Philip Hammond

£2bn is being released for no deal Brexit contingencies. It is no longer your choice whether to send this vast sum of money to the EU, or to spend it on the NHS. Your so-called government is spending it to cover up its own failure.

Some will go to replace the EU grants which will be lost. Some to pay for the army to quell riots. Even more will go to border guards, who will ensure that hordes of brown people will be able to leave the UK, but not enter.

“This is not the action of a callous, incompetent government,” claims Chancellor Philip Hammond, somewhat disingenuously. “Contingency planning against a disaster entirely of the government’s creation is prudent in the extreme.”

Hammond denies that his government is irresponsible, stating that to admit that Brexit is a policy doomed to failure, weakening the UK as a nation and reducing its citizens to vassal subjects, is simply not possible. “The £2bn fund is to reassure The People and restore their faith in their glorious leaders,” he said, shiftily.

One or two MPs tried to argue with Hammond. However, they backed down when he suggested that they come round to Number 11 for an Evening With Spreadsheets followed by a session of Death By PowerPoint.

A lone madwoman on College Green, Faye Spalm, was one of the few people daring to voice an opposing view. “This government couldn’t give a toss!” she yelled. Spalm is unable to trace her ancestry back to Bronze Age Britain, hence her identity as a Remainer. “These f&*%ers made a choice!” she screamed. “They are choosing to Brexit despite massive damage to our economy! They are choosing to punish the poor and the unfortunate for being poor and unfortunate! It’s a choice made simply to mollify a few highly vocal f@#*ing idiots! It’s disgusting!”

Hammond ran away, frit, to give the hard-working Magic Money Tree another shake.

Let them eat cake, says Priti Patel

Or, as she might have said, let them eat potatoes. When the chips are down, you must Battenburg down the hatches.

Patel is proposing to use starving Irish people as a Brexit bargaining chip. The failure to deliver the Brexit that The People allegedly voted for is of course the fault of the Irish.

“Everything is always blamed on us, to be sure,” grumbled Irish baker Pat O’Kayke. “But the big bollix is talking nonsense, so she is. The English can take their feckin’ baked beans and stick them where the sun don’t shine. And I don’t mean Ireland! Top o’the morning to ye!”

Patel was unrepentant. “I said cake, and I meant cake,” she said. “Cake means cake, and you can have your cake and eat it. I would have expected the bloody bog-trotters to be a bit more appreciative, after all the English have done for them!”

She later claimed that her remarks had been taken out of context.

“I know that cake doesn’t grow on trees,” she clarified. “Except magic money trees, but they are a protected species which only grow on unicorn reserves.”

The Irish response was emphatic. “Who needs unicorns, when you have leprechauns?” said O’Kayke. “We will just not let the man buy any more Guinness. They’ll come round soon enough. In the mean time, bottoms up. Slainte!”

Patel was horrified. “There will be no more Marmite leaving our ports until the EU relents and repents,” Patel shrieked. “I have a gun pointed towards my head, and I will fire repeatedly until I get what The British People voted for! You have been warned!”

Marie Antoinette would have been proud. Her misattributed misjudgement, both myopic and misanthropic, was a mistake. Or maybe a pisstake?

History will tell us. But history is written by the winners, they say, and nobody is at all sure about who the winners are any more.

Hammond’s budget consists of placing a money bag on the table and saying when it’s gone, it’s gone

LCD Views has the inside track on the latest budget. Philip Hammond has no more idea of the impact of Brexit than anyone else. So instead he said, here is what’s left in the kitty, there’s no more before next April, sort yourselves out, it’s what people on Universal Credit have to do.

As for borrowing, options are now limited. Hammond himself shrugs his shoulders when confronted with the question. “Nobody will lend us money any more,” he complains. “The IMF just laughs, and our fall-back option, Wonga, went bust after we defaulted the last time.”

So you are effectively washing your hands of the whole affair? “Too right!” he says. “Let them squabble among themselves for what little is left, before the UK files for bankruptcy. Budget means budget!”

What about the fabled magic money tree? “It’s autumn,” observed Hammond. “Its leaves have fallen, all the magic money has been harvested and squirreled away offshore somewhere. I think it’s dying too. There is no sign of the green shoots of recovery.”

But couldn’t you raise taxes to make up the shortfall? “Most people will pay more than they earn after Brexit anyway,” he replied. “Except for the people who can afford it. They will pay less.”

That’s a scandal, surely? “Yes, but think of the headlines,” Hammond counters. “If we make Rupert Murdoch pay one penny more in taxation, his papers will make sure they bring down this government and replace it with an even more incompetent one.”

He who pays the piper calls the tune. This particular tune must be Money For Nothing.

The country is more divided than ever. The old call of ‘no taxation without representation’ has been updated. People now have one or the other. That’s the true Brexit Dividend.

As the UK sinks into self-imposed oblivion, at least we can comfort ourselves with the thought that we took back control of our destiny.