Chris Grayling awards No Deal Brexit transport contract to Flybmi

No Deal Brexit preparations are proceeding according to plan. The plan in question may be better described by the phrase ‘No Plan’. And who better to deliver it than the dunce and future king, Chris Grayling?

The latest bright idea to emerge from the swamp between Grayling’s ears involves transportation of goods. Once the beloved No Deal happens, and the ports seize up (hurrah! Global Britain!), essentials will have to find alternative routes into the UK. Grayling proposes airlifting fresh produce from the EU. Contracts are being drawn up with British success story Flybmi.

After all, following in the wake of ferry companies with no boats, why not airlines with no planes?

Aviation expert Heath Rowe gave LCD Views his thoughts on the matter. “Small operators have a struggle on their hands,” he explained. “To survive, they generally have to offer something uniquely desirable, or come under the umbrella of a larger, more successful organisation. Otherwise they tend to go tits up. It’s the Brexit business model.”

But I thought we were talking about a success story?

“In Chris Grayling’s head it probably is,” said Rowe. “Just like Brexit. No, Flybmi has just gone bust, leaving plucky Brits stranded in the wicked EU. We can only hope that hundreds of volunteers with tiny aircraft of their own will effect a rescue.”

So Grayling’s plan is just a poorly executed ruse to trick The People into thinking he is looking after them, with a gratuitous reference to the Dunkirk Spirit thrown in for good measure?

“Yes,” replied Rowe. “Even giving Flybmi an alleged £14m sweetener didn’t help, although I gather Flybmi”s boss has just purchased another yacht.”

BMI’s other niche venture, bmibaby, has also vanished from the stratosphere. From having a high BMI, it has slimmed down to nothing.

Something’s in the air. Unfortunately it isn’t Flybmi.

Dumbing Down For Britain! Tory intellectual heavyweights launch new initiative to get UK Brexit ready

Tory rent-a-gob Quentin Letts is to assist the government later today by launching a new initiative to get the UK ready for Brexit.

‘Dumbing Down For Britain’ will focus on misrepresenting as many modern day realities as possible in the hope no one can see the woods for the trees as we leave the EU.

“I”m personally super chuffed,” Mr Letts told LCD Views via a translator (we don’t speak prat), “and I’ll be launching the initiative by misrepesenting Switzerland’s borders with other European countries. Ps, don’t mention Schengen, whatever that is. Ha! Hoot! Cash or cheque?! What ho!”

To kickstart the excitement Quentin will be joined by Tory MP for Screwsbe Daniel Kawczynski.

“Daniel is going to tell everyone about bananas and how the Americans wouldn’t let us have any for decades after WW2, forcing ordinary hardworking British veterans to give them all to the Hun!,” Quentin added, “he will then go on to prove that we can grow all the bananas and citrus we need tariff free in the Outer Hebrides. Take that Brussels!”

And alongside these two lightweights in the game, there will also be the man most likely to call for another edition of the Doomsday Book to be compiled post Brexit.

“That’s right! Old Moggy has asked his nanny if she will let him attend so he can tell everyone about the five star conditions in the concentration camps built by the Brits doing the Boer War. They were really more like those mega-hotels you find on the Costa del Sol than camps. We had a lot of trouble getting the bloody Boers to go home after we’d freed them from their mineral wealth. Just ask Moggy!”

Once the initiative to dumb down Britain has been successful it will be followed up by a nationwide IQ test.

“Anyone with an IQ greater than a packet of mince will be asked to leave and then deported,” Mr Letts let slip, “take that remoaners! Millions of you will be going on a one way trip across the English Channel!”

UK government enters Guinness Book of Records for the slowest ever car crash

Car crash means car crash. But as the Road To Brexit runs out and over the cliff edge, the big red Brexit bus rolling at a snail’s pace is about to break records for all the wrong reasons.

The People voted for this, even if they didn’t really. So nobody wants to take responsibility for pressing the brake. If nothing changes, gravity will win. That’s the gravity of the situation.

The Guinness Book of Records is on hand to record the historic anticlimax of Brexit. The government is all mouth and no trousers. In true contradictory Brexit fashion, the limpest of limp governments is going to deliver the biggest shafting of all time.

The bus rolls, inexorably, towards the end. The crash is approaching, and despite the lack of speed, promises to make a 47-vehicle pile-up look like a heap of Dinky toys. The drop is so close now, that even staunch, hardline ERG members are starting to think it’s squeaky bum time.

LCD Views spoke to Norris McWhirter’s spiritual heir, Mark McConquest. “This is already the slowest car crash of all time, and it hasn’t even happened yet!” declared McConquest. “It’s crashier than the 2008 financial crash, and longer drawn out than Jose Mourinho’s tenure at Manchester United.”

Disaster specialist and record chaser Holden McCarlsberg was also on hand to deliver a verdict. “I’m always on the lookout for bigger, better, longer things,” he said. “The UK and the USA are like, USA: Here’s my latest idiocy, UK: Hold my beer. I’m constantly crossing the Atlantic. I have more air miles than Liam Fox!”

Eager beavers are on hand with pencils, to record the exact moment of disaster for posterity. “Well, we no longer employ beavers,” McConquest conceded. “They just chew through any writing equipment we give them. And lemmings just run ahead impatiently. So instead we have installed a speed camera to record the instant that the brakes are applied, too late, and the UK careers over the edge like Thelma And Louise in super slo-mo.”

Jacob Rees-Mogg has already described this particular car crash to be ‘Rather uplifting’. He is in pole position to star in the reboot of the Oscar-winning film classic Crash.

Get your teeth into this! UK – US FTA expected to detail pink slime as steak

It’s about bloody time too! For too long the price of steak has been sky high!

LCD Views would like to be the first to applaud the work of the Secretary of State for Lowering Food Standards (and the rest) Doctor Liam Fox after a leaked report detailed the details of the conditions he’s expected to agree to in order to secure a post Brexit FTA with the USA.

Pink slime, that mega efficient way to get all the protein, hormones and antibiotics any person needs is to be classified as steak, because a single digit percentage of the contents was once placed in a room near a field with a cow.

“It’s amazing what food scientists can do,” our food analyst, Mr A Nal Syst comments, “apparently the team that invented pink slime was actually working on how to use beef as a weapon of mass destruction, and they succeeded!”

Other exciting changes to standards coming our way involve chicken.

Chicken. The boring old hen first introduced to the UK by the Romans. It’s getting a long needed makeover.

“No more than 52% of any poultry by-product can’t be a tumour, benign or malignant,” Mr Syst says, glancing through the leaked report, “that’s some mean concession little Liam has secured. And the lip, ass-hole and intestinal tract component of any chicken themed food product will be capped at 98%. That means we are guaranteed of a base level for actual meat. Wrap your laughing gear around that Brussels!”

But what about the concerns on the UK’s farmers with convoys of US container ships heaving with pink sludge and chicken cancer steaming our way?

“I recall an interview with Owen Paterson, that genius of international trade and agriculture, some time back on Radio4, that stalwart of what was once journalism, who said they’ll just have to focus on selling a high quality cut of British beef to China. Job done. Dust off your hands. Pop a cork.”

Get ready to turn to cannibalism Britons! At least that way you’ll be reassured what you’re eating is actually meat!

You’re brainwashed by Tory press! Shout man’s fans ignoring man is committed to main goal of Tory press!

Labour is to revise its Brexit policy downwards today, with Jeremy Corbyn expected to give a press conference in which he will ditch his long held call for a Jobs first Brexit, moving his position to a “Not one job left Brexit!”.

The move is to take into account the endless stream of news articles daily about major employers upping sticks and moving out of the UK, taking jobs, investment and tax revenue with them, and is believed will get Labour ahead of the Brexit curve.

“It’s a visionary switch, which will take the heat off the Labour leadership failing to respond to the overwhelming evidence piling up that Brexit is a criminally influenced, political project of an internationalist clique of hard right feudalists that will catastrophically screw the UK back into the employment rights of the 14th century, prior to the black death,” our political analyst says, “it’s getting harder and harder to be a JC fan nowadays,

“It’s not helped by red Tories continually digging up videos from Corbyn’s time as a backbencher saying fruity things about the EU at regional rallies,

“his willingness to work with the government multiple times to push Brexit further down the clock, most famously when he three line whipped his MPs to trigger Article 50 and start the clock running down when no one had a plan,

“and don’t even consider looking at his parliamentary voting record on the subject, you may get the suspicion that a new kind of politics is very much an old kind. Especially if you take into account the fact that he and McDonnell and several other backbench Labour MPs in 2011 voted with all the Tory Brexit head cases to call for an IN/OUT EU ref, years before Cameron actually delivered one.”

It sounds to us like you’ve been brainwashed by the Tory MSM to criticise Jeremy.

“It sounds to me like you’re not paying attention to reality. Although I’ll grant 99% of your headlines attack the Tories. Millions of us would throw our lot in and back Corbyn, if he only fought Brexit, which we can all see is doing massive harm to the country and basically undeveloping the UK before our eyes. It will make all of Labour’s other excellent policy goals unachievable.”

You’re just obsessed with Brexit.

“You’re bang on with that.”

Why?

“I’d like my children to have food.”

Nigel Farage launches new political party with poster of a man with his head up his backside

Nigel Farage is all set to start asking the EU he hates so much for public funds to misuse again after he announced he has formed yet another political party.

But controversy has already engulfed ‘The Brexit Party’ after keen fans of the reincarnation of Oswald Moseley mashed into Lord Haw-Haw, and flavoured with extra rent-a-gob fascism, spotted something missing from posters unveiled to herald Farage’s latest bollocks.

“They’res know Union Jack and knot even a Saint George flag,” Mr Potatriot told LCD Views, “just a man with his head stuck up his jacksie. Witch is right, its are only direction off travel, but wee kneed the world too no its a BRITISH HED STUCK UP A BRITISH BACKSIDE!!,,!!?/11!!”

It’s unlikely the criticism will slow Farage down though as he drives forward with the likely power of thousands of Kremlin bots pushing ‘The Brexit Party’ to prominence in the media.

Added to this he can presumably rely on a massive influx of dark money from the USA, as the modern pan-Atlantic feudalists attempt to finish the job of cracking open the golden goose that is the UK to get at its innards.

“He’s signed an exclusive publicity deal with the BBC,” our political afterbirths correspondent says, “so he’s sure to get in the face of everyone who hasn’t already bent over backwards to insert their head up their backside. Then he can just shout Brexit is being betrayed until he resumes his seat at the EU parliament, after Brexit is cancelled at 9:59pm UK time on the 29th March. He’s basically employed for life.”

But what is inside the golden goose that Farage and his American sponsors are so gun-ho to get at?

“Well, I suspect they want to break apart the EU so they can enslave ordinary working people, you know, like in the good old days” our correspondent suggests, “and of particular interest in the UK is the realisation that the greatest concentration of private wealth is in the homes of the over 55’s. But to get them to ‘release’ that equity, you’re going to have to cripple and flog off the NHS first. Brexit is a many faceted turd. Put your head up your jacksie and inhale it!”

No thanks! We’ll keep arguing that our collective heads should be kept well on the outside!

Backstop Productions and Making It Up As You Go present a new political thriller

LCD Views is thrilled to announce a new feature premiere from acclaimed political theatre team ‘Backstop Productions’, who have teamed up with ‘Making It Up As You Go’ to present a tense, new political thriller about life in the Westminster bubble.

“The action centres on the journeys back and forth from Westminster to continental Europe of dark money bag woman ‘The Maybot’,” our entertainment and improv analyst says,

“she’s played by amateur politician Theresa May, who you may recall playing the role of prime minister in Rupert Murdoch’s long running serial ‘I own 10 Downing Street so F U’. Critics who have seen advanced screenings say she’s nailed the role, along with her red, white (emphasis on the white) and blue colours to the mast.”

But the production hasn’t been without detractors?

“That’s right. There is critique from some that the plot is repetitive as it essentially revolves around the Maybot pretending to work towards a solution that doesn’t end civilised society in the United Kingdom, but really it’s all for show and her character’s real aim is to run down the clock and trigger a god almighty smash and grab of UK plc assets for tax havens.”

And the dialogue has come in for scorn too?

“Yes indeed. While it’s possible this is a classic of post modern cinema, and the dialogue is a device to disturb the viewer and make them question all they thought they knew, ‘The Maybot’ only speaks slogans for the first two acts and then just asks a man in Brussels the same question over and over for the last act, no matter how often he says no.”

So who’s the hero of the story?

“Trailers released while production was ongoing suggested it was a character called ‘Magic Grandpa’, but it won’t be a spoiler for me to say as the action unfolds he looks more and more like one of the villains.”

We understand there was disagreement within the production company over the title of the film too?

“Indeed. The film was very nearly called ‘The Woman Who Didn’t Know Enough’, or even ‘Get Backstop’, but in the end ‘The Woman Who Knew Too Little’ won out, because it’s really all one and the same thing. And one more thing…”

Yes?

“Don’t be a wallflower. The movie is due for UK wide release on the 29th of March 2019 and audience participation is compulsory. But that’s okay, because by then everyone will have heard the key dialogue so often, we’ll all be pretty much fed up with it. Tickets are only £350m per week, but there’s no need to book in advance as you’ll be forced to buy one, if necessary, at the point of a gun held by a terrified army recruit outside your local off licence.”

Room in Hell reserved for Brexiters revealed as the one in which you can only speak the truth

LCD Views can confidently report the nature of Brexiter Hell. Extensive research reveals that Old Nick has recently added a tenth circle exclusively for Brexiters. This circle applies retribution to hardened liars.

Our contact revealed that the door to the tenth circle of Hell is numbered 101.

Documents so detailed that no living Brexiter would bother to read them reveal that victims will be obliged to read documents so detailed that no living Brexiter would bother to read them.

Attention to detail will be mandatory, as well as reaching a fully reasoned conclusion.

There will be a corner containing Jacob Rees-Mogg’s nanny, where unworldly oddball posh boys with strangely named children receive their punishment. Those of the second circle (Lust) persuasion will be forced to watch but forbidden to touch.

The tenth circle will be festooned with EU flags. In fact, all clothing, bedsheets and other fabrics will be made of blue cloth decorated with rings of golden stars.

Dead unicorns will fester, eternally, around every corner. Next to the unicorns will stand interviewers intent on forensically interviewing Brexiters.

The worst offenders will have to walk down a dreary run-down provincial high street. They will be compelled to donate huge sums of precious sterling to beggars, and invite homeless migrants to dinner.

Already Brexiters are objecting to joining the Satanic Union. They are surreptitiously shifting their assets into the eighth circle, Fraud, while secretly pledging loyalty to the ninth circle, Treason.

Negotiations with Lucifer himself about leaving the Union have already been opened, but have stalled permanently. This is because ‘we won the referendum’ is the only true statement available to the Brexiters.

Instead, Lucifer is advocating even closer integration. He is suggesting that the fourth circle (Avarice) and the fifth (Sloth) merge into the tenth. Brexiters are upset because Lucifer is simultaneously deadly serious and taking the Mickey.

Oh, and big red buses will be totally banned.

Devil seeks renegotiation of eternity with God demanding inclusion of time limit in their treaty

The Devil himself was said to be “livid” and “beside himself with rage” today after hearing that leading proponents of Brexit will be coming to stay for all eternity.

”That guy who made the toothbrush moustache infamous isn’t too chuffed either,” our supernatural affairs correspondent says, “he’s going to have to share his room forever with the likes of Nigel Farage and Dan Hannan. Still, what are the odds of two guys with one ball each become room mates forever? Pretty long I’d say!”

It seems the addition of the Brexiters to Hell isn’t exactly a surprise, but something the Devil hadn’t considered when he signed his WA from Paradise with God.

”The Devil was in the detail,” our correspondent says, “or he wasn’t in the detail. He doesn’t really do it. This tends to store up problems for the future that should really have been foreseen before signing the contract. But having to put up with Boris Johnson and Rees-mogg forever? It’s enough to make you shiver, in spite of the insufferable heat.”

Responding to the news, delivered earlier today at a press conference by Donald Tusk, the Devil is believed to be seeking a renegotiation of his treaty with God.

”He wants the agreement reopened and the inclusion of a time limit, or a legal trigger that allows him to terminate Hell at a time of his choosing.”

God is believed to be willing to talk about changing the agreement regarding Hell, but only if the Devil can actually come up with an alternative solution that serves exactly the same purpose of roasting Brexiters for their sins forever.

”It’s not going to happen, if eternity has a time limit, then it’s not really eternity now, is it.”

Eternity means eternity.

MPs caught in drug use scandal! Fears democracy is being pawned off to pay for out of control habits!

LCD Views can report today of fears that hundreds of Westminster MPs have been caught up in a drug use scandal!

“There are genuine and real fears our democracy is being pawned off to the lowest of the lowest bidders as out of control MPs desperately try and pay for their worsening junk habits,” our political junky correspdoent says,

“once an MP starts using Brexit there is often little hope of them turning their life back around. You can forget expert help. A fear of experts goes with the useage. And like all heavy users don’t even bother trying to get them to face day to day reality.”

It’s believed the path to Brexit use often starts differently, depending on the initial political affiliation of the at risk user, but they all end in the political gutter.

”You know a heavy user. They’re obvious. They call for tighter controls on migrant labour, that we’re losing our national identity, which is the percolation of a country built by a vast array of influences globally over millennia, and that we need to be able to universally terminate the only legal guarantee that Brexit use won’t lead to a return of sectarian violence in Northern Ireland.”

It’s believed for Conservative Party junkies it’s a process of increasing dosage which leads to a perpetual mania.

”You know what it’s like. First you get a buzz making the man on the street pay for the mistakes of your mates in casino finance,

”You get a kick out of passing laws that stigmatise the most vulnerable,

”A little bit of NHS privatisation gets your rocks off. But then you get jaded and you want something harder,

“That’s when the pusher, identified by Westminster sources as Fagashface appears, offering you a bit of full blown xenophobic, toxified nationalistic, neoliberal, rights and tax rate smashing powder, or Brexit as it’s called on the street.”

But what about Labour MPs? Enough of them are now addicted to Brexit too, regardless of what it’s doing to people’s livelihoods and the risk to cooperation and peace across Europe.

”They’re a weird mob. Mostly stuck in a 70’s timewarp. Brexit use is nostalgic for them too. Maybe we can still have the Revolution comrade, if we can just turn back the clocks? Maybe Lexit, a twin substance to Brexit, can do just that? But once they’re hooked they’re done for too.”

How do you know if a Labour MP is a user?

”Jobs first Brexit, that’s the giveaway, each and every time.”

LCD Views urges our elected representatives to get a grip and get clean before they sell the shirts off our backs to pay for their habits. Remember, if you are considering recreational use of Brexit, there is no safe dosage and the needle is never clean.