Farage confident of making it through to next round of Conservative leadership contest

EVIL JESTERS : Nigel Farage has spoken today of his confidence of making it through to the next round of the Conservative Party leadership contest.

”Now, now, let me speak,” Mr Fuhrage began his interview on Radio 4’s flagship light entertainment and hard right propaganda outfit, Today, this morning,

“democracy itself is at stake. Unless, unless, and I want to make this completely clear, unless 0.2% of the ageing, white, predominately male and well off English population can choose myself, or some other stooge with disputed funding arrangements, as the actual leader of the governing Conservative Party, while making it appear they’ve chosen someone else, democracy itself is at stake.”

But when challenged by the dynamic duo of Humphrys and Robinson to sell his legitimacy even harder, Mr PayPal was happy to oblige.

”17.4m knew what they were voting for after a mass dark money funded, social media, micro-targeted, political ad campaign in 2016. And now, now, let me speak…”

Mr Humphrys/Robinson : We are, we only interrupt centrists or left wingers. Please continue.

”As I was saying before pretending to be interrupted. The people decided in 2016 and the people are deciding in 2019 to elect someone who may, or may not, have foreign billionaire backers. The people knew what they were voting for when they overwhelmingly voted for Brexit and they know what they’re getting now when they elect me as the new Conservative Party leader. And so long as Labour remain committed to delivering on the will of the broken promises and criminality from 2016, I’m leader of that party too. Which is the best way to combat the rising far right, by promising to fulfil their only stated policy objective, however scant the details of it. Uncomfortable though that truth maybe for some. If they don’t like it they can vote Green, Libdem, Plaid or SNP, which it seems they’re now happy to do.”

But when asked what he would say if after making it through to the final two contenders for Tory leader, Mr Farage found himself faced with a 52/48 percent split in the vote? He was still his usual trademark adamant self.

”So long as I win, by fair or foul means, 52/48 is finished business.”

‘Brexity McBrexit McFuckface’ beats ‘Whom the Gods would destroy they first make mad’ to be UK’s epitaph

PROFESSIONAL MOURNERS REQUIRED : LCD VIEWS HAS THE EXCLUSIVE TODAY that the secret Whitehall contest to choose the United Kingdom’s epitaph has chosen a winner.

“Brexity McBrexit McFuckface beats ‘Whom the Gods would destroy they first make mad’ in a poll of civil servants,” our Whitehall fly on the wall reveals, “and no one is complaining at all.”

While the winner references the competition to name a big boat, there is clearly no danger of David Attenborough being involved in the wording as an alternative, as unlike other aged national treasures he’s shown himself to be completely against Brexit.

Which is a bloody relief, I can tell you, when you consider Cleese, Caine, Daltrey and others.

“Although the entire lyrics of ‘My Generation’ were in the running early on to be chiseled complete on the tombstone. This was abandoned because very many of that generation aren’t actually kippers and it wasn’t fair to tar them with the same brush as the gammon faced lunatics they stuff Question Time full of.”

‘Evil appears as good in the minds of those whom god leads to destruction’ was also in the running, but fell at the last hurdle in preference of the more contemporary phrasing.

“Calls to cancel the result and have someone in cabinet decide what to chisel into the stone have been ignored, because it’s blood obvious now that anyone serving in the cabinet is too crazy to be trusted with a task of such gravity.”

The gravestone will now be prepared and stored at public expense.

In the event any Brexit occurs it will be revealed to the public to reassure them that plans to continue sound and stable governance (of a soon to be deceased thereafter United Kingdom) have long been in place.

Straighten that jacket! Downing Street tailor releases design for next prime minister’s outfit

A STITCH IN TIME : GREAT suits Batman! Photos are emerging today of the new draft design for the outfit to be worn by the United Kingdom’s next, and almost certainly last, prime minister.

“You’d have to be Houdini to get out of it,” our dedicated follower of fashion comments, “and even he would have some trouble, given that the next prime minister will not only be in a straight jacket, with chains and locks around their limbs, but in a glass tank filled with water, dropped into the Thames off Westminster Pier, with a concrete block on the little door in the box to ensure they never get out of it. This is Brexit. This is the suit.”

But although appropriate to the situation the new leader of the country will find themselves in, regardless of who it is, critics have been quick to point out that more fitting alternatives should have been considered.

“What’s wrong with a classic Iron Maiden? People want to know,” our dedicated follower of fashion understands, “or the trolley and face mask get up favoured by Hannibal Lectre? Which is just as fitting for anyone that believes they can make a success of being Brexit prime minister.”

These are good questions. LCD Views believes that a stripped down design should also have been given serious consideration.

Because whoever is chosen to be emperor by the three old men, clinically insane and shouting at a dying shrub, that comprise the last Tory Party membership, that person will definitely be wearing the emperor’s new clothes from the moment they assume office.

Dominic Raab’s plan for managing No Deal Brexit leaked to the press

I LOVE THE SMELL OF DOM-INATION IN THE MORNING : Dominic Raab is searching for the mole in his tightly knit campaign team this morning after his plan for managing a No Deal Brexit was leaked to the press.

”He’s so mad he’s got lockjaw,” an aide to Raging Raab told us on the condition we don’t print it, “he normally does of course. He sees another dog near one of his bones or chew toys and he’s clamped onto it harder than Farage with a dodgy expense claim.”

Quite how the mole was able to get the plan outside of the Rabid Raab wolf den is open to speculation, with many believing it wasn’t possible to leak Rancid Raab’s inner thoughts, purely because there aren’t any.

”It’s especially grating,” the aide added, “as Raab the Rinser had only just settled on ‘I love the smell of napalm in the morning’ as the way to avoid truck tailbacks in Kent,

”He had to develop the new plan after Boris Johnson’s blank notepad plan was published. This was coincidentally so similar to Righteous Raab’s own plan that he was determined to come up with something new, something Boris would never dream of.”

The belief that napalming the counties to deal with a No Deal Brexit is not one Boris would choose is credible.

”We reckon Boris would order everyone to put on a blonde wig and shag,” the aide mused, “he won’t use a mixture of petrol and detergents. He only likes the smell of flirtations with fascism and racist dog whistles for personal advancement. Morning. Afternoon. And evening. Although it’s fair to speculate he’d also play Wagner while he was at it.”

Brexitopoly – first to reach the cliff edge wins!

A new board game is being launched in time for this Christmas for the turkeys who voted for it and who either love Brexit or are bored by it. It’’s called Brexitopoly and involves going round a square in circles. It’’s not so much a case of squaring the circle but rather circling the square.

It’’s expected that the 17.4 million Leave voters will gobble up the game when it appears in the shops, particularly as after Brexit the shelves will be empty of everything else.

LCD Views managed to get a quick peek at the game at the factory where it is being manufactured in what may well be one of the last throws of the dice by British manufacturing, before it is decimated by the influx of cheap imports that will be ushered in by Brexit.

Our reporter Gay Mon spoke to the Just About Managing director of the company who gave her a few glimpses of the game. He explained that the object was to leave a club which had generally speaking been of benefit to the vast majority and find the exact same benefits elsewhere without paying the club fees. As you can imagine this is a tall order which is why the game is so exciting, frustrating and ultimately ends in failure.

As with other similar games you roll a dice and move around the board trying to negotiate the best terms for leaving your old club and trying to find a new one, without paying a penalty of £39 billion. If you are unlucky enough to land on a square called Cliff Edge you fall off it and you have to wait three turns before you can rejoin the game, at which point you are instructed to go round the board straight back to the Cliff Edge. Or you can pay a fine of £350 million, every week.

There is a set of cards called Promises and Lies one of which you pick when you land on a square called Consequences. One of these is called No Freedom of Movement which says it’’s time to take a holiday in Europe . But when you get to the airport the queues are enormous and there are no planes. If you are particularly unlucky you could end up in a traffic jam in Kent unable to move (although your bowels are!) anxiously looking for a portaloo.

The game was rather sketchy, lacked clarity and seemed pointless. As a result, our reporter came away rather unimpressed with it , hoping it would be taken off the shelves, but having a horrible feeling that it would be a hit with the 17.4 million.

Remaining U.K. carmakers turn to production of tanks as U.K. economy tanks

GROCERY TRACKS : The government has spoken today of the need for the UK’s remaining carmaker to turn to the production of tanks, as the U.K. economy tanks.

”It’s not because we fear a land invasion by a hostile power,” Mr Bombast, junior minister at DExEU told LCD Views,

“Donald Trump came and went last week. And the other successful foreign invasion of the country is digitally based, and we in government, and on the opposition front bench, are largely in support of it,

”No, we’re talking about a domestic market requirement. You could say simple grocery shopping will become a boom market post Brexit. Especially as we’re certain to be entering that post-apocalyptic landscape in deep recession and without a functioning government.”

The desire for tanks, specially designed for an urban landscape, is certain to be strong, no less so than the fact the army maybe placed on the streets in an attempt to keep order.

”People will need to take back control of the simplest day to day activities in Brexitannia,” Mr Bombast advised, “personally I’d be looking to pick up a secondhand T-45, or Sherman, from the collector’s market today. You don’t want to be stood holding your bag for life, partially filled with a month’s flour ration, and then find you’re in the middle of a spontaneous street fight and you don’t have an armoured vehicle available, because the production line of new vehicles is too slow to meet demand. That would be a disaster! An easily avoided one if you plan ahead and act now.”

To help market the tanks the carmaker is urged to use photographs of wholesome housewives, who just can’t get enough of a big weapon on wheels.

”Fed up with the queue at the self service tills at Tesco, post Brexit? Find a teenage militia of teenage thugs has set up an unofficial toll road in your area? Well, if you own a tank you’ll be able to do something about it.”

Global Britain, the past is another country, and so is the present. Get yourself behind the wheel of a Sherman today. Remember, failing to prepare is preparing to fail.

Dinosaur says dinosaurs face extinction if they don’t deliver comet

JURASSIC PARK : A big blonde dinosaur has spoken today about the threat of extinction facing the dinosaurs.

“Like Theseus in a wool shop, aaaaaa, prevaricating over which ply darn to best make possible the exciting possibilities of the aaaaaaa, MAZE! The maze he is to enter within to face TOROS, baaaaaaaaa,” the dinosaur illuminated,

“all the while the minotaur waits, coiled like a serpent, with its talons bared like an unelected technocrat in Brussels, drawing up rules about the length and curvature of bananas….daaaaaaaa. So too must dinosaurs MAKE THEMSELVES GREAT AGAIN by seizing the right number of wraps per inch, or as the good shepherd himself said on the road to White Castle, let my people go free! So too must dinosaurs call down the COMET FROM THE SKY AND MAKE JURASSIC PARK THRIVE AGAIN. Unburdened from the costly red tape of overweening bean counters in aaaaaaaaaaa Europe.”

The dinosaur went on at some length then about how Churchill, faced with the Gordian Knot, drew strength from his time spent bricklaying to build a new knot from the pieces of the old. Before he circled back to the comet.

“Failure to deliver the comet to the Yucatan Peninsula will almost certainly mean the end of the dinosaurs themselves. The stegosaurus, the brontosaurus, the legosaurus, the humiliatosaurus, all have put their faith in us! The great carnivores of the age! To ensure the heavenly body meets with the atmosphere at terminal velocity and beckons in a new era of greatness, the like of which has not been seen since Boudicca first drew blood against the Gauls! Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”

And he went on, tiny arms raised high, to demand again a proper comet is delivered from the sky and to claim only he could deliver the burning ball of rock and ice.

We asked our palaeontologist for comment on what was an enthralling, if at times completely nonsensical speech.

“None of it made much sense to be honest, the dinosaurs are likely going extinct either way, but they’ve a chance of longer term survival if they don’t call down the comet. Bloody, great, big lizards! I can’t wait to see the back of them.”

[Ed. some palaeontologist! We all know now dinosaurs were actually giant chickens! – we won’t be asking him for comment again]

Government tells Trump NHS not on the table but in a bag outside the backdoor

HOMES UNDER THE HAMMER : The Government has hit back today after global village idiot, President DonaldTrump, said the NHS was on the table in any post-Brexit US-U.K. FTA, otherwise known as USUKA (pronounced you-suck-a).

”Bloody Americans,” Matt Hand-on-rooster, Health Minister, told LCD Views, “they always talk these Americans. I just got to tell ya and I just wanna say. And so loud! It’s frightfully hard to keep a secret. They let every cat out of every bag.”

The cat this time is the NHS and the proposed post-Brexit plan to move from bite size, stealth privatisation to a wholesale smash and grab firesale model.

”I don’t know what Trump is playing at,” the minister added, “just blowing hard? Right wing think tanks don’t give me money to blow off a lot of hot air about flogging off the NHS. Maybe they should? It’s all allegedly American money anyway?”

While we’re just making up the health minister’s statements, Trump’s big blow over the NHS is surprising.

US moneymen are reported to have understood to have identified private home ownership of the over 55’s as the highest store of private wealth in the U.K.

If you can privatise the NHS under the American health care model, that’ll really get the fox into the hen house.

”On the table?” the minister added, “that’s just plain wrong. The NHS is in a brown paper bag outside the back door of 10 Downing Street. Come at midnight and get it, most people will be asleep. That’s the deal. Buggered if I know where the old orange fart got table from?”

Andrea Leadsom admits that Brexit has been mismanaged so far

Leading Brexit bullshitter Andrea Leadsom wants a managed Brexit this October. The implication is clear. Brexit has, up to now, been mismanaged.

Surely not, you cry. The promises made in the referendum campaign have all been kept: the NHS is better off by £350m every week… Now, just a minute… The new deal with the EU was the easiest in history… Hang on a moment there… Car manufacturers have flocked to… Well, everywhere else. The point is, Leadsom thinks she can’t do any worse.

It’s noticeable that even the likes of Leadsom have stopped saying how great Brexit will be. The only justifications are the corrupt, narrow referendum result and phoney manifesto promises. Leadsom, instead of driving us off the cliff edge, watching the country halt in mid-air like a Looney Tunes character before plummeting, wants to guide us gently to oblivion instead.

Because those really are the only options left open. From ‘Tory Rory’ Stewart’s nauseating faux innocence to Boris Johnson’s cod Churchill, nobody will consider the prospect of revocation. It’s either fly recklessly too close to the sun, or hurtle smoothly into the abyss.

But Leadsom is too late. The mismanagement has been too prolonged, the negligence too deeply ingrained. To manage Brexit means to start from scratch. Since this is a responsible course of action, there is no way Leadsom would ever consider it.

Brexit has not actually been managed at all. It has been allowed to happen. Take Back Control means laissez faire.

Nobody has been brave enough to take Brexit by the scruff of the neck and force it to behave. Now, like a spoilt child whose parents refuse to discipline him, Brexit is being unleashed on society without safeguards, contingency plans or backstops.

Someone else will have to pay. Someone else will have to take responsibility. Leadsom will wash her hands of the consequences.

But Brexit will destroy her all the same.

Larry the Cat seeks political asylum at Battersea Dogs and Cats Home

SAFE SPACE : Larry the Cat is safer today than yesterday with the news that he has sought political asylum at Battersea Dogs and Cats Home.

News of his disappearance had been kept under wraps, with many fearing Theresa May had eaten him just out of spite.

But shortly before 7am this morning, Larry appeared disguised as Paddington Bear, complete with suitcase, at the entrance to Battersea Dogs and Cats Home.

Ignoring the threatening growls of dogs left there on the doorstep by prats who should never have gotten a dog in the first place, Larry is said to have miaowed once and then waited for an answer.

Seconds later surprised staff were said to have opened the door and in swanned Larry, just like a cat.

He’s believed to have already settled into a new position in upper management at the famous refuge, but will remain in disguise in case the Tories attempt to recapture him and return him to 10 Downing Street.

“The Tory government has precious little it can point to as a positive of its time in office. Larry having survived the reign of psychotics is about it. They’ll be wanting him back.”

Earlier plans to move into the Ecuadorean Embassy were abandoned after the news that Assange left the cat litter tray there unchanged and filthy.

LCD Views would request space be provided for Larry and not to tell anyone where he is. It’s assumed once someone sane finally moves into his old home he will be able to return and govern the land as he has done successfully for many years. Until the Conservatives freaked him out by deciding to replace May with someone even worse.