UK set to trade on WTF rules

The UK is set to crash and burn. It is leaving the EU asap without a safety net. WTO rules have been proposed, even though this would leave the UK on a footing with the most bendy banana-y of banana republics. The only answer is to trade on WTF rules.

So what are WTF rules, and how do they work?

Trade expert Selma Wrights gave LCD Views the inside track.

“It’s simple,” said Wrights. “Every time a politician or commentator makes a statement, simply reply ‘WTF!’. Technological solution? WTF! Alternative arrangements? WTF! Jobs first? WTF!”

It would work in parliament too, says Wrights. My honourable friend… WTF! Let me be entirely clear… WTF! We will deliver on the result of the referendum… WTF! WTF! WTF!

You get the picture.

Unfortunately, the UK is in this situation because of a schoolboy prank gone horribly wrong. Imagine being a very posh fly on the wall of the Lower Fourth common room at Eton. Michael Gove is listening intently to Alex “Call me Boris” Johnson…

“I’ve got another wizard wheeze, Pob!”

“Yippee! What is it this time, Alex?”

“Boris. It’s Boris.”

“Sorry, Alex. I mean, sorry, Boris. What’s the plan?”

“We insist that the Lower Fourth breaks away and sets its own fees and selects its own boys and hires its own masters!”

“Nobody would take it seriously.”

“Cameron would! The nancy boy Greek master who lives in a shed.”

“So, what will we do?”

“Keep him talking nonsense all lesson so he doesn’t start droning on about Virgil again. Squiffy, Bumfluff and Pongo will help out as usual.”

“Then what?”

“Get reported I expect, then six of the best from the headmaster, followed by getting pissed on Squiffy’s vodka and a wank-off in the dorm.”

“The usual, then.”

“The usual.”

Unfortunately for the protagonists, Cameron bought it, put it to the vote and lost, then scarpered. WTF!

LCD Views is at pains to point out that other Brexits are available. WHO rules has already been discussed on this page. Animal lovers (and, oddly enough, wrestlers) are keen on a WWF Brexit, and Tony Blair advocates WMD. WTF?!

Wear it with pride! New law forces people who step in dog poo to respect the result

A new law comes into force today to stop people getting sticks and scraping out dog mess from the treads on their children’s trainers, nicknamed the ‘Wear it with pride!’ law.

”The New law forces people who unwittingly step in dog poo to respect the result,” any Brexit backing MP told LCD Views,

“it doesn’t matter that the walk to the park was pitched as an enlivening experience in the sunlit outdoors, with a clear path along the pavement to a meadow like field,

“And the path is pretty much paved in dog mess, so thick with it it’s impossible to step in-between piles, and when you get to the park it’s a burning chasm that appears to be a gateway to hell with only a collection of Nigel Farage’s at the bottom of it,

“You must respect the result of the dog mess you tread in to get to the burning mouth of damnation.”

But what was wrong with the time honoured method of dealing with such calamities of stopping, finding a way to clean it up, and then ignoring the smell long enough for it to dissipate?

“The way we did things before disrespected the feelings of people who either weren’t paying attention sufficiently to clean up after their pooch as they soiled the community, or in some cases, were petty and mean spirited enough not to care. Why shouldn’t it be someone else’s problem to clean up quite some time after you’ve walked away with your dog?”

This doesn’t sound like a good foundation for a big society.

“Oh, this is exactly what the big society was intended to be.”

Woman trapped on an island and surrounded by madmen negotiates Brexit again

Father Andrew was staring out of the window of the Brexit Island parochial house. He played idly with some toy animals on the sill.

“These sacred cows are small,” said Father Rupert patiently. He pointed out of the window. “But those are far away.” Father Andrew looked from one to the other, uncomprehendingly.

The phone rang. “Brexit Island parochial house!” said Father Rupert brightly. “Yes, yes, of course you can… No, of course it won’t be like last time… I told you, that money was just resting in my account… Yes, Father, we’ll see you soon!”

He replaced the receiver. “That was Father Michel from the mainland,” he announced. *Coming to pay us a little visit. Wants us to work with those eejits over there. But we don’t want them butting in, do we Fathers? Now, Father Andrew, you know what we want. And whatever you do, make sure Father Boris doesn’t wake up!”

“Drink! Girls! Feck! Business!” shouted Father Boris.

“Now I’m off to write ‘Down with this sort of thing’ on the front page of all my newspapers,” concluded Father Rupert. “Don’t agree to anything Father Michel says! Oh, hello Father Michel! Do sit down!”

Mrs May tottered in, and curtseyed like an arthritic giraffe. “Will you have a nice fresh Brexit negotiation?” she asked Father Michel. “Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on…”

“No, thank you,” he replied.

“Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on!”

“Maybe just a little one…”

“No! It’s clear you don’t want one!” said Mrs May, turning away. “If you want to be intransigent, that’s ok with me.”

She returned to the kitchen, only to come back immediately.

“Will you have a nice cup of tea instead, then, Father?” asked Mrs May. “It’s Backstop Blend. Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on…”

“It looks a bit muddy…”

“It was ground yesterday!” exclaimed Mrs May, wounded. “I’m going to have to go to the kitchen and shoot myself now! Look what you’ve made me do!”

She left, and the sound of gunshot rang through the house.

Next week: Dominic Grieve and Yvette Cooper star in Kicking Bishop Brexit Up The Arse.

May cast as a deranged and reclusive political agent in ‘X Files’ spin off

It seems now that now nearly all cabinet ministers in the current government have lined up lucrative non-exec board positions for the moment they quit politics after Brexit, one of the key characters in the UK’s political psycho-drama has a different plan up her sleeve.

LCD Views has the exclusive scoop on the unverified rumour that principal antagonist in the Brexit farce, prime minister Theresa May, has a plan to take her skills into the world of acting.

“She acted the part of a remainer with total conviction and believability in 2016,” casting agent Paul Hollywood told us over cake, “and then she was able to completely flip her motivations to play the role of a leaver with the conviction of the genuinely insane. She can take on her role as a reclusive and deranged political agent in ‘The Brex Files’ with ease.”

Key to the drama on the screen will be Agent Mayhem’s twin search.

”Her colleagues call her ‘Maybot’, because she’s actually an android struggling to become human, and failing. But her other obsession in the series is the search for a technological solution to the Irish Border, to replace the backstop agreed with the EU. Something only extraterrestrials currently have the capacity to produce.”

Other key players from recent British political history will also feature in the cast.

”Nigel Farage has been cast as a shadowy, chain smoking, trench coat wearing pain in the ass called ‘Fagash Throat’. He appears now and then to offer absolute bollocks as advice.”

Boris Johnson is rumoured to also have a part in the pilot episode?

”That’s right. He plays the role of a maniacal government man who ruins the entire civil framework and economy of a country attempting to build a bridge from SW1 to Riyadh. But agent Mayhem thinks he has a secret that can help her solve the border problem, so she pretty much let’s him do whatever ruinous crap he wants until he finally gives up and goes away.”

That one is straight art imitating life.

”Oh, I wouldn’t expect much art.”

What should we expect then?

”A lot of loose bowels and no answers.”

‘The Brex Files’ premieres at 10pm on the 29th March 2019 on all streaming services located near to a toilet.

Grab your popcorn and settle in, but you may also like to stockpile some medicines too.

EU sets up recorded message to respond to British woman’s daily nuisance calls

LCD Views can wearily inform today that the European Union has set up a recorded message to respond to daily nuisance calls from a British woman.

The woman in question is believed to live in a taxpayer funded, local government property in central London. One of the last of its kind thanks to the ideology of sensible inner London social cleansing promoted by the caring Conservatives when they resumed their reign of terror over the land in 2010.

“She thinks she’s British prime minister,” a caller claiming to be Donald Tusk told us, speaking freely this morning, “which is frankly alarming. We know the woman in that symbolic position is just a front for an international clique of disaster capitalists. And her daily phone calls? I believe she needs help. This obsessive behaviour is not normal.”

But why does she call each and every day?

“Well first she claimed to be a disgruntled customer of the EU. Apparently she wasn’t aware when she purchased her membership of the continental wide club that she would be getting freedom of movement, reciprocal health care, strengthening data protection laws, gender and race equality initiatives, a focus on environmental protections and investment in the poorest areas of her country, neglected by central government.”

It sounds like she should have read the fine print.

“Yes. The part about her membership that she was particularly disgruntled by was the reciprocal nature of it all. She had to give the same things back to foreigners.”

A bitter pill to swallow.

“If you’re a xenophobic, small minded little Englander mentally marooned in a misremembered past, it certainly is.”

So she’s calling to demand a refund?

“Membership is only a few pence a day. Not even sofa change. We’ve told her she won’t be getting a refund, but she’s welcome to leave the club. It’s her choice. She has personal sovereignty, even if she doesn’t want other people to have it.”

So why does she keep calling?

“She didn’t read the fine print on the cancellation form.”

Oh no. Here we go again. What’s upset her with that?

“Measures taken to attempt to prevent a return to paramilitary violence on an island a few miles to the west of where she lives. It makes you wonder what goes on in her head and the heads of the people around her.”

It sure does. So what are you going to do about the nuisance calls?

“We’ve set up a recorded message to answer her now.”

In several languages?

“No. Only in English. Bugger all point of recording it in any other when no one else would be stupid enough to call this particular negotiating hotline.”

Medical mystery as doctors try to work out if patient is in coma or should be placed in one

LCD Views can report on a long running medical mystery that has the U.K.’s best doctors stumped.

”We can’t work out if patient is in coma or should be placed in one?” Doctor Doctor, consulting neuro-recto-cranio-ologist at Girls Hospital (twin to Guys), Westminster admits,

“we’ve run so many tests. CRG’s, MOT’s, BBC’s (that was especially useless), MRI’s (frightening, but not illuminating), EEG’s and old fashioned hit you with x-rays X-rays and we’re none the wiser.”

The frank admission comes not from anyone called frank, but the medics overseeing the case.

”The symptoms are worsening by the hour. The monitor that beeps steadily in healthy, functioning representative democracies is now just a solid beeeeeeeep. The blood tests are showing yellow vests attacking the white blood cells, normally a sign of Bannonitis. It appears the patient is in a self induced coma already. And that’s the problem.”

Because you can’t put someone into a coma who’s put themselves willingly into one?

”Quite. Double down on a coma with a coma and you’re likely to end up with a fascist state dismantling itself from within at a speed that would do Ebola proud. With just as many messy bodily fluids being sprayed all over.”

So what will you do now?

”We’re running a new battery of tests tomorrow. Cooper test. Grieve probe. We’ll see what the results of those are and decide where to go with treatment after that.”

What if they return negative or inconclusive results too?

”Then I’m buying several large bags of rice, some spam, dried fruit, several cases of Boudreaux and legging it to a barn in the Scottish highlands. And I’d recommend you do that too.”

Daily Mail moves to France to create fury over swarms of British Brexit immigrants

LCD Views can report on a scoop from the tabloid dinosaur world today with the revelation that the Daily Mail is to move to France in preparation for Brexit.

”They spy the lucrative commercial opportunity of whipping Eurosceptic French citizens into a lather over a wave of English economic migrants,” our tabloid specialist reports, “there’s gutters to rake in France and they’re off to rake, dredge and snipe from them.”

It’s believed the editorial policy will be classic Dacre, with little of the recent burst of, well, occasionally not quite insane, once or twice. but mostly still mental trash, line taken in England in the post Paul era.

”They’re going to promote anti-vax theories heavily, to build on their work in this field in England in the early 2010’s. They’ll compare every warning on anything to the unnecessary fuss about the Millennium Bug, they’ll run a campaign to get the Chunnel turned into a mushroom farm too, but otherwise it’ll be wall to wall outrage over British economic migrants coming to steal French jobs from French taxpayers.”

They could go hard over health tourism of benefit scrounging English too!

”Oh, they’ll be plenty of that. Alongside pointing out that once the failing EU superstate is defeated by the international conspiracy of Russian kleptomaniacs and sociopathic, feudalist US billionaires, how much freer everyone will be.”

Free to warm their hands around bins on fire in the street? While looking at the murals of Theresa May on every street?

”Shhh. You’ll ruin the surprise.”

So. I presume they’ll be launching a French language version of their news website too?

”They already have! It focuses daily on how the English saved the French all on our own in WW2. It doesn’t report on anything else.”

And how much will the French Daily Mail cost?

”Just thirty pieces of silver, each and every day. Exactly the same as the English version.”

UK to decide between betraying half the people and betraying all of them

The UK is approaching a crisis. Deal or no deal – or no Brexit at all. May’s deal is dead in the water, and no deal is unpalatable to all but the headbangers. No Brexit is unacceptable to the screaming troublemakers who must be appeased no matter what. So what is to happen, and who is to be betrayed?

For betrayal it is. No Brexit betrays the mythical 52% of the country who voted Leave. May’s deal betrays the equally mythical 48% wishing to Remain. And no deal betrays us all and tosses the UK to the vultures.

In such volatile times, one turns naturally to social media. Here, all schools of thought engage in restating their position dogmatically, while bots spew ungrammatical bile whenever anybody types Remain or EU or People’s Vote. Or healthy debate, as it is commonly known.

In this Bot’s Brexit, the weakness of an argument is determined by the volume of bots deployed to support it. This relationship is commonly called Zuckerberg’s Law.

So, which of our representatives will stand up and make a decision? The language of Brexit has painted almost everyone into a corner. Nobody dares not to respect the overwhelmingly narrow margin of victory upon which this farce has been built.

For this is what it boils down to. One referendum, one corrupt campaign. One wilful misinterpretation of the outcome. The opportunity to debate the issue was lost in the craven desire to forfeit decision making to those least informed – The People. The People voted, and The People spoke. And The People said, well, we don’t know.

As politics focussed upon this one issue, and became massively bogged down in the realities of Brexit, the Language of Brexit has been ramped up. We no longer have two factions who disagree, instead we have two raging mobs who threaten devastation and human sacrifice if they don’t get their way.

And so the UK heads, like a lamb to the slaughter, to the crisis of 29 March 2019. Will it all end in tears?

Brexiteers Demand Lip Reading Expert clarifies Tusk´s ”Stupid Brexit” comment

Following the revelations by the BBC showing European Council President Donald Tusk calling the idea of a Brexit “stupid” during private conversations with the father of Brexit, former PM David Cameron, Brexiteers are now demanding lip readers go over the material to verify those revelations.

Boris Johnson was first to twitter his outrage at Tusk’s qualification of the, at the time, future Brexit referendum in the BBC documentary: “As I said during my speech in Staffordshire, we will find a way out of this mess, because both the UK and the EU are being led by highly intelligent people. Tusk’s statement is therefore literally unbelievable and highly offensive, and I call for a public inquiry of qualified lip readers into the matter.”

In the same breath, Johnson disowned his referral to the migration of eighty million Turks adhering to the EU during the Leave Campaign.

Following the MP’s tweet, the Leader of the Commons, Andrea Leadsom, has called upon the same lip readers that analysed Jeremy Corbyn’s alleged “stupid woman” quote during PMQs more than a month ago.

In addition, she reiterated her vocal wish for Parliament taking back control by backing Jacob Rees-Mogg’s call on government to close down Parliament in order to block a free vote of MPs on different amendments to the government´s motion.

Wishful thinking

It has cross-party appeal. Labour´s Kate Hoey has joined the call for lip readers to investigate Tusk´s utterance.

“The will of the people is never stupid,” she declared.

“What is stupid is this scaremongering about the Irish border. If the Irish don’t wish it, if we don’t wish it, if the EU doesn’t wish, why should there be one?”, renewing her call for the Irish to pay for the border infrastructure “if they wish it”.

During yesterday’s debate in the Commons, PM Theresa May has called on the European Council President to retract what he has said.

She has also responded to MP’s questions concerning future global trade deals: “Some days ago I have lunched with New Zealand’s PM. They are very favourable to the prospect of shipping their beef all around the world. This shows what a truly global Britain can achieve while maintaining the highest environmental and labour standards.”

She also reconfirmed that Britain will ship itself to the other side of the planet to replace our greatest ally, the USA, in the Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement, whilst we will remain a part of Europe, whilst leaving the EU, whilst staying closely aligned to it.”

Tusk himself reacted to these calls laconically by declaring: “What I said is precisely that: stupid. Want me to spell it out? S-T-U-P-I-D. Do the British want any legal clarification of that?”

The otherwise austere Michel Barnier, leading the negotiations for the EU, has posted a video on the internet to sum up his opinion into the matter.

Theresa May has written to Donald Tusk demanding legal clarifications of this “stupid Brexit” utterance.

Wetherspoons to relocate to late 1940’s ahead of Brexit

In news that most will greet with a shrug, Witheringspoon CEO Tim ‘blows hard’ Martin, has announced that his famous chain of boozers is to relocate to the late 1940’s.

The Witteringon boss has a reputation for out of the box thinking, so far out of the box the box becomes invisible, so it’s no surprise to see him taking a giant leap backwards.

“The 1940’s, particularly the late 1940’s, is a time that most typifies the kind of spirit required to make the most of Brexit,” Champagne Charlie, head of marketing at Woebetidecutlery (the firm that produces Martin’s famous propaganda beer mats told us), “you know, ability to forage in ruins for anything useful that you can sell for scrap to feed the kids that survived the calamity. Fear of foreign invasion lingering in every corner. Foreigners greeted with suspicion, because THAT’S HOW YOU GREET FOREIGNERS. So it’s a natural fit. Bit of blitz spirit is what we need. We survived the blitz, we can survive Brexit.”

You don’t hear people who didn’t survive the blitz saying that.

“So we’ll be moving the pub chain in its entirety back to the late 1940’s. See how you like that Brussels!”

But it’s not just fetishising a conflict no one pushing Brexit was alive to fight in that’s got Martin cock-a-hoop.

“We’ll also be opening pubs in the 1970’s. Especially the bit with the three day week. People had more time to spend down the pub then, a glorious era. And the year of the Queen’s coronation. Rule Britannia all the way to no foreign muck served in our pubs.”

A special line of Union Jack urinal cakes is being commissioned to celebrate the backwards leap to insularity. Customers are sure to greet those with a smile.

“We’ll print salutary messages on them too,” Charlie says, “like, remember more than six shakes is a wank. It’ll be a hoot!”

But we’re not sure Martin has really thought this one through, as with most things since he became a high priest of the Brexit death cult, as he’ll need to check out the tax rates before getting into the time machine.

“Nothing to worry about!” Champagne Charlie reassures, “the worker’s rights back then we have us celebrating with English sparkling wine all the time. But one more thing to be aware of, all customers are requested not to steal the Union Jack urinal cakes. Martin like to piss on them personally.”