Category: Brexit

A PROBLEM SHARED : Downing Street have solved the niggling post Brexit teething problem of a shortage of qualified labour in the haulage industry. As of midnight today all foreign born UK residents will automatically qualify to drive heavy goods vehicles.

The decision to pass them all at once is said to be a “masterstroke” of Prime Minister Boris Johnson in between the “sixth and seventh courses” at dinner last night, but “before the sorbet, which he finds as boring as falling life expectancy under his watch”.

What the new drivers will feel about their sudden qualifications isn’t clear. However both Brexiters and Lexiters expect the hoovering of labour from one sector to another of the economy during a sudden “economic shock and systemic crisis caused by wilful pursuit of ideology with no reference to reality or the holistic nature of society” will be a complete success. No one can expect inflation to hammer UC recipients as a result.

“To assist with the transition from whatever they were doing till today the Home Office is working with the Department of Transport to help,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “By way of Henry VIII powers we have passed a new law criminalising anyone who can talk foreign who doesn’t immediately turn up for work with their new Class 1 licence.”

Age is not thought to be a deterrent, either youth or old age, as “you’re just sitting in a bally cab letting the truck do most of the work anyway”, according to the Prime Minister.

Once the pilot scheme has proved a complete success it will be rolled out to other areas of the economy which are also experiencing shortages.

“Javid is especially eager to use the new system to solve the NHS workforce shortfalls. He saw a child with a toy stethoscope the other day and believed he was a doctor. It won’t be long before this is actually true.”

The one exception will be wealthy Tory donors who were born overseas as they will “be given peerages so long as the money keeps flowing into the Tory Party coffers.”

The decision to gift the licences out does also mean that the Prime Minister himself is now instantly qualified to drive a HGV.

“Mr Johnson is looking forward to getting into the cab of a giant truck and driving it back and forth over whatever is left of the economy. Once Brexit is finished with it.”

COMING AND GOING : The UK’s Under Secretary of State for Fucking Business has taken to the press today to support his boss Kwasi Kwarteng’s assessment of UK economic prospects.

“We’re in transition,” Rt Hon Horrible Prospects told LCD Views. “We’re transitioning from a functional, fully integrated, industrialised and powerful nation into a shitshow where bin fires are the largest growth sector. If you’ve some old oil drums in your backyard it’s going to be very exciting. You can rent them out by the hour. Make extra supplying the foraged combustibles.”

The Under Secretary of State words will bring hope and cheer to many who are likely looking at the worsening supply chain issues and wondering what the hell is going on? How bad is this going to get before sanity returns? Why don’t all the opposition MPs band together to demand this farcical vulture capitalist government get to fuck? And really what is the point of having a sovereign monarch if they just do not seem to care at all how badly the country is mismanaged?

“I have of course noted your concerns over the present supply issues,” Horrible Prospects added. “After reading into the future what you’re writing here and writing backwards to now. I can honestly say all this will be solved instantly by honestly pretending an empty shelf in Brussels is honestly caused by exactly the same forces we are experiencing and Brexit is innocent.”

Having soothed everyone’s worries, even as the petrol queues continue, Horrible Prospects added one final layer of support to his boss, who just sounds ridiculous.

“The UK is in transition. That’s our catchphrase for a few days. After that is complete we can expect the economy to exceed levels last seen after the Romans left. It’s very exciting. They’re be some lovely pottery.”

ALL MOUTH AND NO TROUSERS: The government has solved the fuel supply crisis at a stroke. It is to build a chain of Nightingale petrol stations to absorb the demand. 

“This worked perfectly with Nightingale hospitals,” remarked Glib Solutions minister Kaye Ottic. “They bought us precious time Get Covid Done, and to think up another dead end story to throw the public off the scent.” 

There are plenty of unanswered questions. Who is going to staff these filing stations? Where is specialised equipment like fuel pumps coming from? And how is the fuel going to get there in the first place? 

“We know what we are doing,” lied Ottic. “In Brexit Britain we need to believe in better. The resourceful British public with their great British common sense will find a way. And remember, it would have been much worse under Corbyn. I don’t see the Labour Party coming up with any solutions, and in any case the EU is to blame for withholding their cheap labour, this is why Leaving was so essential. They just need to be reminded that they need us much more than we need them.”

That’s no sort of an answer. 

“I’ve responded fully, and you are beginning to sound unpatriotic,” snapped Ottic. “If you dare to question me again, then Priti Patel will investigate your family tree, and deport you because your auntie once went on holiday to Corsica.” 

That’s reassuring. Corsica is a lovely place. Sounds like win-win to me. So what are you going to do when cars pull up to your useless Nightingale petrol stations? Wave a flag at them? 

“Yes. Now remove this whingeing traitor from this country,” she growled to her goons. “They will put you in quarantine. Two weeks in an all-expenses paid hotel in Corsica, wearing a face mask. You won’t like that!” 

It is to be hoped that there is enough fuel to power the aeroplane. 

PANIC OVER : We all know that the public is easily bored of such mundane parts of everyday life like food and fuel, which is why the UK government is forever inventing new baubles and medals.

While it’s all very well for peers, nurses, care workers and royalty to get all the medals, what about the everyday man and woman in the street? How does he feel as he watches the knife fight by the pumps? He is bristling with resentment at the awareness a nurse who has so far survived the pandemic is paying her carparking fees with a badge and he’s got nothing?

Well, to help foster the spirt of national cohesion that will drive Brexit Britain forward, the government have come up with a wonderful solution.

“This is why we engineered a fuel panic buying crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s definitely not because we’re just incredibly stupid. We’re actually magnificently malicious. But we’ll give you a bit of plastic you can pin on your shirt and feel proud about it.”

The badges themselves will say “PETROL” and will be distributed on all petrol forecourts so people can drive home believing they have filled up.

“Your tank will be bursting with pride once you pin on your PETROL badge,” the source tells LCD Views. “This is not just gesture politics. This is a meaningful gesture, especially as you’ll be paying for it.”

It’s hoped the quiet satisfaction the badges will imbue will help people hold out patiently while the remaining four soldiers the Tories have yet to cut from the Armed Forces come to you personally with a thimble of fuel.

Get your PETROL badge today and pin it on yourself with pride. Just be careful. Don’t try and eat it! Wait till next week when we start handing out FOOD badges at the supermarket!

FESTIVAL OF THE DAMNED : GREAT NEWS TODAY OUT OF 10 DOWNING STREET with the announcement that the day Home Office Secretary Priti Patel ENDED FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT FOR GOOD is to become a national holiday.

The new bank holiday has been nicknamed FUKTARD as that combines the elements of what the UK has done to itself and sounds a little bit like custard.

“The custard reference will bring to mind our world beating Prime Minister and the famous bin bag full of custard reference,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And the FUK is pretty self evident. We think it’s a catchy name for what will be a vigorous annual festival of cannibalism, and if we’re lucky, a prelude to a full blown zombie apocalypse.”

It’s believed the timing of the announcement is a little suspicious though, coming as it does during the Labour Conference in Brighton.

“It’s not true that we’re trying to get Laura K’s attention back. She’s still doing her best work in Brighton,” the source dismissed. “Let us focus on the positives of Brexit. Namely being nasty to foreigners. This is why Freedom of Movement Ending is such a victory for the UK. And because they’re economically illiterate and think foreigners were to blame too, the Lexiters can help us celebrate. They must be worn out from all the years they spent demanding better pay and conditions for HGV drivers before Brexit. As it could have been done anytime during our membership. But all that is over now. So let’s burn some effigies of food with our last gallon of petrol and celebrate!”

To help people get in the mood for FUKTARD a warning klaxon will sound in the days leading up to it.

“Or that could just be Johnson simulating air raids as he’s run out of ideas to distract the public from his endless crisis in government,” the source explains. “We’re still nailing down the fine details of FUKTARD DAY, but you’re invited. Whether you like it or not. After all, the people have decided.”

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON appears currently to be missing in action as his country is overwhelmed by one crisis after another, caused by Boris Johnson. But a source inside 10 Downing Street says this is not so.

“Yes he is nowhere to be seen, that much is obvious,” acknowledges the Downing Street voice. “But that doesn’t mean he is idle. And he is not fitting out the emergency fridge with gold wallpaper, as some scurrilous reports suggest. He is hard at work in negotiations with the EU.”

The negotiations are said to revolve around the UK rejoining the Single Market on an “emergency basis” for three months. This will make saving Christmas easier and take care of other temporary teething problems being experienced by Brexit UK.

“The Home Secretary is supportive. She will get to round up and throw out EU workers again. It gets her giddy. Rishi Sunak has said ‘whatever man’ as he is currently having his hair styled for a Christmas calendar. The rest of the cabinet are also nodding along. That’s because they value staying in the cabinet above anything else. So it’s a cinch. We’re just going to explain to the EU they need us more than we need them and we’re back in.”

What the Commission thinks about this, or indeed EU member states individually is not important, because we’re British.

“We will need a bit of sleight of hand to pull it off though,” the source admits. “Most of the ongoing negotiations revolve around convincing the EU to rename the Single Market the Great British Single Market. This way we can pretend domestically that they have some asking us to rejoin. It’s pretty straight forward.”

And just in case you are wondering what Plan B is if this fails.

“This is no Plan B under the administration of Boris Johnson, or Major Crisis as we’ve nicknamed him indoors.”

KNIGHTS IN SHINING AUDIS: The cavalry is coming! Over the hill… across the channel… and straight into an endless queue to buy the last gallon of unleaded in the country.

A fleet of elegant, modern, continental vehicles rolled smoothly off the ferry, putting the English jalopies and Eastern European rejects to shame. Unfortunately they arrived on Great British roads. Almost immediately they were forced to follow an old boy in a 1960s Hillman Imp, weaving in and out of the lanes, making it impossible to pass. But there was a Union Jack sticker on the corroded chrome bumper, so that was all right.

Then there were the boy racers, zooming in and out of the traffic with no regard to the rules of the road, motor car safety, or bye-laws on noise management.

By the time that these classic British hazards had been negotiated, the little Woke ‘low fuel’ light was flashing, so the sleek limousines pulled into the nearest filling station.

Except that the queue was over a mile long, and the overhead signs read “No fuel at services”.

The drivers made a calculation in that rational way that only Germans deem necessary. There’s enough fuel left to make it back to the port, they decided. One swift U-Turn later, almost as swift as Boris Johnson caught in a disaster of his own making, and the Saviours of Britain were beating a hasty retreat. The snowflake Germans were jeered on their way by coughing, scurvy-riddled, patriotic peasants with most of their teeth missing.

In retreat, the Germans sent a message to the rump of British Command. We tried to rescue you and your economy, as promised, but British motorists and total lack of Unleaded thwarted the attempt. Goodbye, farewell, auf wiedersehen pet.

The German car manufacturers have finally made it. They came, they saw, they went home as quickly as possible.

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL DEAD CAT : IDIOTS and UNPATRIOTIC TYPES can NOT BE FORGIVEN for BELIEVING that the country’s empty petrol stations are a source of concern for 10 Downing Street.

“It’s the opposite,” a source inside 10 Downing Street TOLD LCD Views. “It’s a real and tangible benefit. And the timing couldn’t be more perfect. I mean have you looked around you? Talk about a multi-catastrofuck. The entire country is going down the pan because we got Brexit done. Thank God for the fuel crisis! That’s really focused minds.”

Focused minds and taken them away (temporarily) from all the other crisis now ongoing.

“We’ve got the pandemic still raging which is now essentially democide in the form of interpretive governance dance. We’ve got the food supply chain difficulties that pre-existed the petrol crisis. We’ve got an NHS waiting lists crisis because we wanted the public to take the virus on the chin. This is because none of us understand economics. Forget about seeing a dentist. Trash piling up in the streets in Kent. That’s the bits we haven’t carparked for Brexit. We got a gas crisis. A burnt down connector to France crisis that no one is bothering to wonder about. Phew! An international credibility crisis. We’re just hoping if we ignore NI that it will go away. The Scots ready to leave the country which means parking the nukes in the Thames. A crisis of food poverty because we’ve spent over a decade deliberately creating poverty by policy. Ministers routinely breaking the law, but thankfully getting away with it. Racists unhappy because we’re not placing naval mines into the Channel. But we still need to bait them after spending years grooming them. And on top of all of this we still have to save Christmas. Which means finding a way to get turkeys to market after we’ve made it illegal for the workers trained to do it to come to Blighty. What fuel crisis? That’s the wrong question. Thank god for the fuel crisis!”

It couldn’t come at a better time.

THE IDIOT’S IDIOT : THE UK’S ENTITLED WRECKING BALL lord frost IS TO DEMAND THE EU RENEGOTIATE BREXIT.

Demands to renegotiate Brexit were expected to be an annual UK festival but now that Brexit is done the festival has become weekly. We all just love doing it so much.

In part the popularity of the event is to keep the EU talking to the UK. Even if we are now the aged, soiled drunk in the corner of the bar attempting to barge our way into a group of functional people having a good time. We think we’re a lovable rogue (with barely a pound in our pocket) and we don’t care what they think. But it is also in part because the charlatans who delivered Brexit don’t have any ideas what to do about the crises they’ve delivered. Best try and keep the focus on Europe! If we make enough fuss maybe they’ll give us what we want to shut us up.

If the EU agrees to reopen negotiations it will be a substantial win for Brexit.

“They have to play ball,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s in their interest as much as ours. Really, they still need us more than we need them but they just haven’t realised yet that we hold all the cards.”

It is hoped the German automotive sector will apply pressure on the Commission to begin the renegotiation. Soon the HGV drivers will come flooded back across the English Channel.

“It’s obvious that the moment we left the EU we became more powerful than they could possibly imagine. They just haven’t realised it yet. In the interim, don’t drive your car, don’t go to the pharmacy, don’t eat more than you need to subsist, don’t watch what’s happening to democratic principles of governance, but do wait for Boris Johnson’s to emerge from hiding with a classical reference about petrol refineries. Because that will help imbue confidence in the market.”