Category: Brexit

LCD Views can announce great news for people worried that by the time the U.K. is done with Brexit (should it happen) sometime in 2069, and gets around to focusing on climate change it will be too bloody late anyway.

“Balderdash,” ERG leading light Mr F Wit told us, “we’re leading the world. The developed world at any rate. And of course thanks to the opportunities created by Brexit, we’ll soon be leading all of the developing world again too.”

But leading in what way?

“By destroying our auto-manufacturing sector firstly, clearly,” Mr F Wit, who has millions in overseas holdings shrugged, “then we’re going to clear out the aerospace industry. Oh, and coal mining is never coming back unless Old Corbs gets in, which he won’t, so mining is not going to be resuscitated. It’s all going really well. No reason the young people shouldn’t get right behind all of our aims, including bringing back corporal punishment for truancy.”

But that’s not the leadership they require? How does that tackle the challenges of the 21st century and the screaming ball of terror that is environmental destruction?

“We’re getting rid of our industries, what could possibly be more coherent and useful if you want to see carbon emissions, and other gases like cows farting, reduced quickly? Back to the soil. Hoe in hand for the mighty British! See those greenhouse gases plummet!”

So we’re sacrificing ourselves for the good of the planet?

“You could spin it that way. As long as I get to buy the last public utilities still owned by UK plc in the fire sale that follows Brexit with the massive amount of totally legally dodgy money I have piled up offshore I really couldn’t give a shit either way.”

Mr F. Wit, thank you for your time.

“Follow me kids! I’ll show you the way. You don’t need climate change targets when you aren’t capable anymore of impacting climate change in anyway by giving all the parts of your developed economy away!”

LCD Views can report rumours today that CrossParty Collaborators, the production company behind the soon to be released 2019 remake of ‘The Italian Job’, is coming in for a fair bit of wellie today over changing the ending of the British crime classic.

While most of the details of the rehash have been kept secret by the film makers, inevitability gossip has been leaked to the press. And it’s the decision to allow the criminals to get away with the crime that is ruffling the most feathers.

“They did add some lovely touches though,” LCD Views’ film critic defended CrossParty, “casting disgraced former defence secretary Liam Fox as a new character who is in theory fencing the goods, but in reality is rubbish at it, as he’s always looking for a friend called Adam, was a nice touch,

“And having the rest of the cast chorus ‘He’s behind you!’ while pointing at a curtain, brought some new comic relief to what is now a well trodden plot. Each scene in which a curtain is present sets you up for some laughs. You know it’s coming.”

And what about changing the head of the gang to a woman, that’s pretty 2019 and woke?

“Yes, Theresa May does a passable Michael Caine voice throughout in her role as Charlie Croker. Although not as good as either Steve Coogan or Rob Brydon in ‘The Trip to Spain’, but I say good on her for giving it a go, even though she must have known she was going to fail and anyone with half a brain wouldn’t have touched the role with a barge pole,

“But having the actual Michael Caine do a cameo mid film wherein he encourages the gang to keep going, at a point when they’ve misgivings, with the rousing words ‘it’s better to die poor and be free’, well, it tugged at my heart strings. Something about old, successful, wealthy British actors backing the con gets you right in the feelings.”

So why change the ending?

“It’s to better mirror the UK in 2019. In the original the crime gang are left hanging, and you know they either have to exit empty handed, although attempting to do so could cause most of them to perish, or they can rush to the front and crash to the bottom of the ravine with their ill gotten gains.”

So what’s different this time?

“Well, in the 2019 film there’s a magic spirit that guides the group called ‘Will of the people’ and he allows them to get out of the bus at either end and run away with the loot.”

I know watching a film involves suspension of disbelief, but how do they pull it off without the bus crashing down and bursting into flames?

“That’s easy. They filled the bus with 65m people before they drove away with the loot. There’s more than enough extras to keep the bus dangling precariously on the cliff edge while the masterminds make off with their ill gotten gains.”

I don’t think I’ll go and see this film.

“You don’t have a choice. It’s screening in every home at the end of March by order of the government unless sanity gets in the way.”

The Queen is expected to write to her former colony across the pond today and ask to borrow the USA’s 25th amendment. A change to their constitution made in the early 1960’s to enable the removal from office of a leader who is plainly bonkers.

“They’re not using it,” a palace insider told us, “I mean plenty of yanks keep talking about using the 25th to remove Donald Trump from office, but as of today it’s still snugly behind glass with a little hammer sitting next to it.”

It’s believed if the Americans agree to loan us the 25th we can promise to return it as soon as possible.

“It may look a little shop soiled, I confess, after we’ve had a run with it,” the insider continued, “cleaning that mass of scrambled egg that is currently prime minister off the big chair at 10 Downing Street is not going to be seamless.”

And the clock is ticking…

“Yes, we’ve just a couple of weeks now until the UK is due to sacrifice hundreds of international agreements and its very place at the table of power in its region. Car and financial firms are leaving daily, the list of rights ordinary people will have burnt in their faces, on the back of a promise that the UK executive won’t then burn their face at some point in the future, grows longer and longer, but here we are and parliament does nothing of substance?

“Maybe we could use the 25th to clear out the lot of them and start again? But then the Americans only have one copy, I don’t suppose we can use all of it?”

But what if they say no? They need to keep it close in case they want to use it.

“Then we’re stuck relying on parliament.”

Oh. Dear USA, we will return the 25th as soon as we’ve removed Theresa May and the ERG from office. How much do we need to pay?

Brexclusive: A leading Brexiter claims that remaining in the EU would mean we would still have an influence. So everything comes full circle at last, as logic catches its own tail and bites itself squarely on the arse.

Legal eagle Dunne O’Howe, rumoured to be the braincell behind the ERG, made the stunning announcement, surprisingly not on the BBC. Extend Article 50, extend our influence, was his unreasonably reasonable argument.

“It’s a no-brainer,” claimed O’Howe. “Which is good news for my cerebrally challenged clients. It’s easier to make the EU dance to our tune from the inside. Ideally, we want to leave as well as stay in. Do you have any more cake?”

“No, you can’t have your cake and eat it,” replied the stunned interviewer. “This isn’t Test Match Special, you know.”

Celebrations among ERG members was muted at best, as MPs struggled with O’Howe’s claim. Not even ERG rentagobshite-in-chief Andrew Bridgen was available to give a response. Instead Graham Brady made a brief statement.

“The extremer you go, the more you risk inadvertently reversing into the opposite position,” said Brady. “The 1922 Committee suffers the same, see-sawing between kingmaker and The Brady Bunch.”

Jacob Rees-Mogg allegedly described the news as “rather uplifting”.

Theresa May, holed up in her Downing Street bunker, is said to be delighted, because remaining in the EU will allow her to pass Draconian laws to prevent foreigners gaining access to our hallowed shores.

As with all matters Brexit, we must seek the opinion of the most influential Brexpert, Nigel Farage.

“It’s brilliant!” he coughed, lighting another Capstan Full Strength. “We need to escape the corrosive influence of the evil USA and WTO!  It’s the ultimate Brexit contradiction. I’m changing the name of my movement to Leave Means Remain forthwith!”

Finally, clarity. We still do not know what Brexit means, but at least we can be sure that it doesn’t mean Brexit.

https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/top-stories/martin-howe-on-a-longer-extension-to-brexit-1-5916724

LCD Views offers its readers this unique opportunity to meet and go on a pub crawl with the one and only Nigel Farage. For a single payment of only £44.99*, YOU can buy the man himself a beer and have a smug and self-righteous discussion about Brexit!

Your £44.99* buys you a full drinking kit, including an official “I had a pint with Nige!” t-shirt, packet of dry roasted peanuts, and a beer jacket.

Then simply make your way to the Wetherspoons in Sunderland (now re-Christened ‘Brexitland’) and get a round in! Your official Farage’s Pub Crawl Voucher lets you download the itinerary onto your phone via the special Brexit app. Forget all your troubles, instead allow Nigel to blame them on the EU for you!

When the cellars are dry, Nigel’s Big Red Brexit Betrayal Bus will simply take you to the next venue and the pub crawl just carries on!

Farage’s appetite for cheap, bitter beer is exceeded only by his appetite for cheap, bitter politics. However, not even Farage cannot consume the heroic amount of ale that his devoted followers will gladly buy for him. Instead, he has constructed a cunning plan.

“Whenever I can’t hold my ale, I am going to call my sidekick Tim Martin,” he explained drunkenly. “In vino veritas and all that crap, I don’t give a toss any more. I will call for my Incredibly Strong Ale and he will pass me water in a beer bottle.”

So he will pass water in a beer bottle? “His beer is like piss anyway, so what the hell,” belched Farage. “I can’t guarantee my attendance at every leg of the national pub crawl anyway, don’t forget I’ve got a radio show to do, but I will be there at the final pub, which will be a pop-up ‘Spoons in Westminster Square.”

*£44.99 is the advisory, i.e. mandatory, cost of a place on Farage’s farewell tour. Please note that the price does not include the admin fee of £39.99, postage and packing of £5.75, or beer. Please allow 28 days for delivery.

https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/brexit-march-farage-route-leave-15911145

“We’re going to need to hide in the back room of a pub for a long time and summon up the courage with the door barricaded,” an MP, who wished to remain imaginary, told us today, “it’s going to need to be a herd mentality when we go out to kill the Brexit zombie, as there’s not one amongst us who individually has the leadership skills to just get it done clean.”

By get it done clean do you mean without the bedwetting and pants soiling experience of locking yourself away in the back room of a pub, while the monster rages outside groaning ‘brains, brains’?

“Yes. I wish we had enough to go around of those too. Alongside courage. I’m not sure you shouldn’t be writing this up as a ‘Wizard of Oz’ piece and not seeing a still in your mind from ‘Shaun of the Dead’ as you do it?”

‘I Am Legend’ maybe more appropriate, because Brexit will devour pretty much everyone if it happens. But how will you get this time to hide and get up the guts to go out and attack the zombie together? The days are flicking past faster and faster now. Brexit is almost here.

“An Article 50 delay it will have to be. Buy time. Wait for a hero to arise, or wait for us all to finally face the inevitable moment of taking responsibility together to do what has to be done to safeguard our constituents.”

You’re not filling me with hope. If Cooper/Boles doesn’t pass tomorrow May will have you all right where she wants you.

“Where’s that?”

Barricaded in the back room of a pub while she feasts on the bodies outside and summons up the energy needed to tear the barricade down and go inside and eat the lot of you.

“We’re going to need to take our shovels inside with us, aren’t we?”

And a few shotguns and a Mad Max car if I were you.

“We’re going to need a bigger backroom.”

Get it done. The future of our children relies on you.

Great news for people planning a big job today with the long awaited release of the ‘Hard Brexiter Guide to Negotiating a Bank Robbery’.

The easy to read, big font, crayon printed, non-spellchecked booklet has been written by handpicked members of the now famous research group, The ERG, and is printed on toilet paper so it can be easily recycled once you’ve gotten away with the loot.

There’s also a lot of blank pages at the back in case you get caught on the hop, or wish to mark-make while waiting for the security guard to go for his lunch break at your chosen branch for the heist.

There is a foreword by noted Latin scholar Jacob Rees-mogg, in which he demonstrates just what you can do if you lock yourself away in a toilet and use google translate to convert english phrases into Latin.

Pictures are included throughout the booklet, hand drawn by David Davis with his own edible pencils, with Nadine Dorries ensuring that most of the colouring stays within the lines.

It’s believed the book is to be part of a weekly series, should it be well received, which will be available at selected newsagents and booksellers for only £350m each.

We know you’re busy stockpiling just now and may not have the time to go and get a copy, so we’ve taken the liberty of ripping off the advice in the booklet and present it below in a more complex form than the emoji strewn text itself.

1. Enter bank

2. Take off trousers

3. Take off shirt

4. Point gun at head

5. Threaten to blow your own brains out if your demands aren’t met

6. Don’t stop threatening yourself until they hand over the loot

The last line in the booklet is some handy investment advice for people who want to give it a go, “Remember, shift a lot of your assets to tax havens first, so you can buy the NHS on the cheap once the con is complete”.

Those who fail to prepare, prepare to fail, with the ‘Hard Brexiter Guide to Negotiating a Bank Robbery’ you’re certain of only one outcome. Grab a copy today and be ready to say stick ’em up or I gets it!

Brexit is driving business away. Morgan, the epitome of British eccentricity on four wheels, is moving its base of operations to Germany, along with both employees and the company dog.

Brexit advocates claiming the haemorrhage of motor manufacturers is down to reduced demand for diesels are clutching at straws. It’s all a load of hot airbags.

The loss of Morgan could not have come at a worse time. The economy is (fuel) tanking, and Britain is closing down.

Morgan boss Morgan le Fay explained the situation. “We have been based in Camelot, like, forever,” she stated. “But our market is worldwide these days, and we can’t wait for Jacob Rees-Fucking-Mogg or whoever to build a wall around the country’s wealth before we consider the impact. I call it thinking outside the gearbox.”

What we don’t understand is, why go to Germany of all places.

“Want me to spell it out for you?” demanded le Fay, waving her wand in a threatening manner. “They are the best engineers in the world. I am tyred of arrogant, untalented Brits who need to get a grip.”

You could go to Ireland?

“I suppose we have the green credentials,” mused le Fay. “But we don’t like the backstop. We call it a handbrake.”

After all other options had been exhausted, Morgan is opting for Germany. “A real advantage is that our best customers are relocating from Britain to the EU,” explained le Fay. “The smart money is getting away from Brexit, so the smart cars are leaving too.”

But it’s a rocky road. Some promising trade deals have stalled, and others never got out of first gear. For example, le Fay pointed the finger at her reckless nephew, Sir Gawain Williamson. Sir Gawain, despite his heroism, recently blew a head gasket by destroying a potential deal with Japan by calling them ‘slant-eyed Nips’.

Not such a big wheel after all.

LCD Views can report today on the broken news that an entire country has acted like the infamous ‘Florida Man’ after shooting itself in the economy but failing to realise until almost three years later.

”Reports indicate that the United Kingdom was in the process of changing the scat covered pants of the governing Tory Party in 2016 when it accidentally shot itself through the economy, the dignity, the credibility, the humanity and even the official opposition party, but didn’t realise.”

The United Kingdom says it fell down after the changing of the pants, or EU ref 2016, but didn’t notice it had shot itself as it was on a high dose of dark money funded propaganda.

”It didn’t help that both the governing party and the leader of the official opposition failed to realise the country had shot itself,” the story continues, “and even after noticing the blood draining from investment and jobs both main sides of the U.K.’s politics then denied it was shot.

”It’s only when the UK’s main parties went through a sudden change of number of MPs that they seemed to notice the bullet holes in both of the country’s knees.”

Whether or not noticing that the country has shot itself will cause either party to credibly change again is open for speculation.

”The politics of the U.K. is averse to seekinf medical attention however,” the story continues, “as they’re is just so much friggin’ corruption and crime involving major political forces, it’s feared any attempt to dress the gaping wounds could lead to arrest.”

Primed patriot Theresa May is to forcefully rebut claims she’s an unemotional, self centred, job devouring sociopath controlled by disaster capitalists wilfully burning the U.K. to the ground for profit later today when she addresses the country.

“I can’t keep my job if you don’t lose yours,” Ms May will address a country on the brink of economic and civil collapse, “and as your leader I am the one the Martians will want to talk to when they bring their inter-galactic war against the Lizard Men of Zaasrth 9 to Earth.”

Asked what she will tell the Martians about how the U.K. functions and its form of governance, she had this to say, “I can’t keep my job day to day unless thousands of pathetic little peasants, scurrying about like ants on a parched and burning land, lose theirs.”

It’s May will go further this evening in her speech, requesting voters now come forward and offer their own job to be thrown on the bonfire of Brexit, which now burns on College Green.

”You should bring marshmallows to toast. Your job is bound to have a high combustion temperature and burn rate, due to its emotional importance to you. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Whether or not anyone will be able to force Ms May to bring her meaningful vote back again more quickly and stop this idiotic destruction of the lives of the citizens she is supposed to care for, is anyone’s guess.

”Don’t look at Labour to help,” Emily Thorny-berry responded for Labour, “we’re too busy trying to bully Anna Soubry, now she’s turned against May. It’s the way we roll. The most incompetent and confused official opposition you can find. Isn’t it a hoot? I’ve still got my job. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Give up your jobs Britons so Theresa May can keep hers, before she comes and takes it away anyway.