Tory electoral strategy team ‘Onwards’ coming up with ideas to go backward

The powerful, just the most powerful, powerful, really very powerful policy think tank set up by the Conservative Party to win the next general election has hit on a killer electoral strategy.

“We’re going to make everyone, everyone broke,” a beaming F. Field MP revealed,

“since I agreed to chair our new electoral strategy team, Backwards, I’ve not had a good idea, but I’ve nailed it now.”

Details of the master plan are secret, but Mr Field let us have a peak under the cover of his notebook.

“If everyone in the United Kingdom earns less than the tax threshold, no one will pay tax, and everyone will love us. then we can claim a Labour government will raise your taxes!”

Mr Field has drawn a love heart next to “us” to illustrate his passion.

“Now we can go out and argue Labour will cause your taxes to skyrocket and be credible, unless we ruin everyone first?”

Mr F. clearly belongs to a party that knows its business, even if it doesn’t know anything about business.

But Labour have poured scorn on the strategy.

“Unicorns,” their policy guru retorted, “we will give you more unicorns. We’re going to get the best possible deal, unicorns, that will mean a lot to people going bust outside of both the single market and customs union. Unicorns. Then we’ll find which island the 1% has its money on and tax the sands. We don’t need to be inside the largest trading bloc on earth to take action against tax evaders. No. We need to be broke.”

It was in that moment that the guru’s face darkened as he realised Backwards had essentially parked Tory tanks on Labour’s new, redder lawn.

“This won’t do. Making everyone poorer is the essence of a job’s first Brexit!”

We left him to work out which way was onwards and how to do it by going backwards, before the Tories do.

The key to solving the riddle is to do with their policy on Brexit…

Brexit themed crystal balls withdrawn from sale after the churning mist inside never clears

Leading magic toys retailer, Magic means Magic, responded to a deluge of complaints from unhappy customers today and suggested it may or may not withdraw its line of Brexit crystal balls from sale.

“Customers were complaining that the churning mist inside the Brexit crystal balls never clears to give a clear view,” store manager T May told LCD Views, “but that’s entirely the point.”

Whether or not customers were missing the point of the dark, churning, energy sapping, rights eliminating mist inside the Brexit balls or not, they were certainly filling social media with accusations of faults and dodgy goods.

“Our Twitter team attempted a push back. We released a meme showing how our toy scientists had manufactured special glass that helped increase the suspense of prophesying, but it just increased the blowback.”

So there was no choice but to withdraw the balls and accept a massive loss.

“£350M a week, so far,” T. May shrugged, “it’s increased our brand exposure though. No such thing as bad advertising. Balls mean balls.”

And there were some supporters.

“I like a leap in the dark,” a supporter, Mr Bolt On, chimed in, “I keep getting divorced and married and divorced. I was hoping one of the magic balls would help me land a much younger, aggressively racist lover. But one that would know to keep the pillow talk between the sheets, if you know what I mean?”

Magic means Magic have said they will revise the balls to more accurately reflect their theme.

“Now when you say show me the future it will just be a lonely man crying in a field next to a cow paddie while starving children scream at him holding blue passports,” T May said, “it won’t have enough suspense though.”

We think it’s good the Brexit crystal balls may or may not be withdrawn. We hope the rest of the associated merchandise will too.

“They were balls,” our toy analyst commented, “balls means balls.”

Yes we know that already. There’s a reason he doesn’t comment much.

Tories to beat Labour at 2018 GE after being the first major party to reverse position on Brexit

Labour was still looking the general election victory gift horse of Brexit in the mouth this morning, as news broke of Justine Greening MP challenging Theresa May for leadership of the Tory party.

Ms Greening won the contest thirty seconds later, the Conservatives became the newest pro-Remain party, much to the irritation of the Liberal Democrats, cancelled austerity, causing private fury amongst Labour leaders, and called a snap GE.

All within two minutes of the member for Putney’s rapid acceleration to the top.

“Who will you back? This great, United Kingdom or Mr Jeremy Lexit Corbyn?” Ms Greening asked, speaking from the steps of 10 Downing Street, even as Theresa May was still clearing the Brexit plan fag packets out of her old desk.

“We believed we had as long as we liked to take government,” A spokesman for Labour told LCD Views,

“but we were so busy calling left of centrist remainers yellow Tories on endless Twitter threads we totally missed the moment when the Tories began massaging the party message towards staying in the EU. We were building a movement.”

That moment was on the 15th of January when Boris Johnson said he would rather stay in the EU, than accept a soft Brexit, something the raving, neoliberal, imperial nostalgic freak members of the party would never accept.

It’s either a total victory for the disaster capitalists or slink back into the shadows for a few years.

“People were onto us,” an aide to the new prime minister revealed, “We were ruining the NHS too fast. And when people began to die prematurely in corridors, and the construction sector started collapsing like a deck of cards, but Labour still wouldn’t break ranks with us over Brexit, we knew we had a chance to save our skins.”

An additional factor appears to have been the majority of Conservative MP’s reading the Brexit impact assessments.

“Of course they exist. We were just lucky we had a serial chancer and blowhard like Davis fronting that farce so the media was too distracted by his constant contradictions to pry too hard. Any MP who read the first paragraph of any of the assessments realised immediately that Brexit was the end of the Conservatives.”

Asked how they plan to respond to the shock election defeat, Labour had this to say,

“It’s okay. Jeremy is happiest building a movement.”

Brexit means never having to say you’re sorry

BREAKING NEWS: The true meaning of Brexit has finally been revealed! Brexit means never having to say you’re sorry.

Brexit has unfolded like an unlikely love story. A romance between the aristocratic decision makers and the down-to-earth Will of the People. This unlikely romance has blossomed, but, as in any good romance, it is surely doomed to end in tragedy.

The early heady days passed in a blur, but as time passed, the grim realities of life gradually intervened. It was convenient to forget the practicalities. The Northern Irish border. The good things about EU membership. The fact that there was no way on God’s earth that we would ever get as good a deal as we currently have.

Slowly but surely, the Will of the People is getting sick. The romance has been poisoned, and treatment is needed. The rulers have already spent a great deal of money to ensure that Brexit may proceed, but reality is not responding as it should. Soon, even greater sums will have to be found from the Magic Money Tree as the country desperately tries to find a cure.

The Will of the People is dying. Soon Will will be no more, as the tragedy reaches its climax. Will our great rulers then be obliged to apologise for wasting all that cash on a chimera? No, because Brexit means never having to say you’re sorry.

LCD’s Poncy Arts And Literature correspondent describes the tragedy of Brexit as “sub-Shakespearian”. Extensive interrogation ensued, following which this analysis emerged. “I say sub-Shakespearian, because in a good Shakespearian tragedy both parties die in tragic and avoidable circumstances,” he said, itching to write several books of literary criticism on the subject. “This is the more modern tragedy, where we examine the grief of the remaining party. Although in this case they are almost certain to blame the victim.”

Meanwhile, chimeras will join unicorns, wyverns and kelpies on the endangered species list.

Official religion of Great Britain now the Church Of Brexit

The government has today announced a change in the country’s official religion. No longer will we be assumed to be Church Of England (unless otherwise stated). The new dominant church is the Church Of Brexit.

High priests of the new Official Religion will be arrayed in red, white and blue. The Bishops of the Church will wear Union Jack waistcoats. The Archbishop of Brexit will also wear a top hat and carry a cane. This is to represent both John Bull and the successful businessman out of Monopoly.

The priesthood – known as “Directors” – will assemble in the Temples of Brexit. Every boardroom across the land will be converted to such a Temple. These Temples will reflect the glory and power of their God. Only the priests will be allowed to set foot in the Holiest of Holies. It will be forbidden to utter the name of this God, although rumour has it that He will be referred to as The HOARD.

Ordinary Church members will congregate in lesser, public meeting-houses (“pubs” for short). They will perform the eucharist of The HOARD by drinking His blood, represented by beer, and eating His body, represented by crisps. England has died. England is risen. England will come again!

Services will be taken by serving wenches, who will serve for as bloody well long as the punters want them to bloody well serve.

Songs of celebration will be sung. The congregation will rise, and with one voice proclaim the Glory of The HOARD. These hymns of praise to Brexit will include football chants and salacious variations on well-known popular songs.

And the people shall recite the prayer that Our Saviour taught us, saying:

Our Farage, who art in denial,
Nigel be your name.
Thy knighthood come!
The Will Of Thy People be done
In St Erth as it is in Devon.
Give us this day our Daily Mail.
And forgive us our traitors,
As we condemn those who betray our country.
Lead us not into Europe,
But deliver us from Brussels.
For thine is the England,
The beer and the cricket.
Brexit means Brexit!
Amen.

Lexit is more important than the NHS official opposition spokesman confirms

LCD Views interviewed shadow minister for fence sitting, C Ynical, earlier today and he revealed that for the official opposition achieving Lexit is more important than the NHS.

“No one will suffer once we have a government led by a man whose initials are the same as a famous religious figure.

Although that in no way explains the sometimes kipper like love of denigration of opponents found in the social media posts of his worshippers. I mean, um, the membership of the party that belong to a militant, sectarian movement that has currently seized surface control of the party.”

They’re building a movement. Be patient. What’s the NHS or universal credit or looking like absolute asshats internationally compared to that?

“Lexit has been our long held goal since the 1970’s. You know the 1970’s? We had blue passports then. Blue passports will be the first tangible success of Lexit.”

When questioned if the official opposition shouldn’t oppose Brexit in order to tear a pack of reckless, greed driven, right wing idiots out of Downing Street, and by doing so, save the economy of tomorrow and the NHS, which media reports state is now so under resourced people are dying prematurely in corridors, the spokesman was adamant.

“Lexit is way more important. Jesus Christ comrade! You’re in danger of being first to the re-education camps with questions like that. I’m beginning to suspect you’re a class traitor Blairite. And we all know there is nothing, nothing worse than that.”

So it looks like the future for the NHS is pretty dicey.

The party that is busily running it down and privatising it is safe in government because the party that could tear them down wants them there to achieve Lexit.

Who’s to blame? Must be the centrists. Yeah. That’s who.

Jobs first Brexit where the jobs go first and then we Brexit

In a surprising display of candour for a modern politician a Labour Party Brexit spokesman has confirmed that Labour’s much trumpeted ‘jobs first Brexit is…’

“Where the jobs go first and then we Brexit. This is why we support a transition period between Brexit and Brexit.”

This is in stark contrast to the current Conservative Party Brexit, generally known as, smash it all to shit so wealthy backers with massive offshore wealth can asset strip the U.K. while simultaneously stripping away all the rights protected by membership of the European Union.

This is usually referred to by the snappier handle of ‘Brexit means Brexit’ or ‘A red, white and blue Brexit’.

“Labour wanted to differentiate itself from the Conservatives, as people are getting confused about all the votes we keep casting in the Commons to support whatever half baked casserole of nonsense Brexit the government puts to a ballot.”

The major dividing line between the two Brexits has not impressed experts.

Three year old, Sandy Sawyer, currently attending a childcare centre two days a week, summed it up like this,

“There is only Brexit and any idiot, who isn’t blinded by an irrational need to reinforce their deep seated personal insecurities, which manifest in an unwavering political tribalism no matter how irrational the actions of the party they have pinned their colours to the mast of, will tell you that.

There simply hasn’t been the time, planning or effort made to grasp the complexities to make a success of Brexit, which involves attempting to unravel ourselves over a long weekend from a relationship that is decades long.

Never mind the fact the roots of the project go back through the ghastly wars of the last century, but no Brexiter is capable of grasping that, or the existential importance of the EU to the rest of Europe.

This is why they just strut about talking cobblers and expect the continental countries to touch the forelock. Muppets.

I expected adults to be better at this. We’re dealing with the future of myself, my peers and my older cousins here.

This whole shambles is like watching my dad attempting to put together a sofa bed from IKEA without reference to the instructions because he thinks he’s gotta do it that way or he loses face.

But I better stop prattling on or I’ll get labelled a Centrist Child. Hand me the shovel please. I’ve got a head sized hole to dig in the sandpit.”

LCD Views own Brexit analyst is also unimpressed.

“Any Brexit is a jobs first Brexit. Just pay attention to the news. Jobs are going and very often now the people who used to do the job. That’s your jobs first Brexit. It’s actually an unintentionally accurate way to describe what we’re currently doing.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Sandy has stuck her head inside a hole in the sand to display a supporter of Brexit. I need to pull her out before she comes to harm.”

Nigel Farage applies for EU funding to paint “BOG OFF WE’RE FULL” on the White Cliffs of Dover

The populist propaganda preacher Nigel Farage has decided to make his intentions quite clear. The cheery Brexit slogan “”Bog off, we’’re full”” is to be painted on the white cliffs of Dover. In letters fifty feet high. Using red paint. Farage himself has offered to carry out the work.

Farage is notoriously hard up, however. His measly income from the European parliament barely covers basic necessities, such as Tweed suits and vintage champagne. Therefore he has applied for EU finance to fund this vital work.

LCD’s Tilting At Windmills correspondent met Farage over draught bitter and cigars. ““The government wasn’t keen on painting a message on a national icon,”” said Farage, taking a deep swig of Olde English Dogsbollocks. “”So I volunteered to do it myself. It is symbolic of our great Brexit victory, perhaps even more so than the blue passport.””

It is clearly important to send the correct message to our European chums. “”This is a job that needs to be done, and it falls to yours truly to do it,”” Farage noted, sparking up. “”So I have ordered 500 gallons of bright red paint and a big ladder.””

There is a potential snag: the language barrier. “”That’s why the words will be fifty feet high,”” remarked Farage, patiently. ““It’s the written equivalent of shouting. It always works for me when I have to talk to bloody foreigners!””

And the beauty of it is that the EU will, hopefully, pay. “”Well, they bloody well ought to!”” exclaimed Farage. ““After all the favours we have done them, they should be only too willing to stump up a few quid to help out a poor Englishman! It’s their raison d’’être, to give me their money. It’s a quid pro quo.””

We spoke to the EU’’s Pointless Grants Office, but they just laughed at the suggestion. Poor Nigel may be maxing out his credit card after all.

JC inaction man figure sales halted after he crosses shop floor to prop up May dolls

Manufacturers ordered an immediate halt to sales of Jeremy Corbyn inaction man figures today after the dolls crossed the toy store shop floor to prop up tottering Theresa May ones.

“We couldn’t believe it when we saw it,” shop floor assist Mo Mentum told LCD Views’ Living Dangerously correspondent,

“these aren’t supposed to be battery powered, just wind up ones that shuffle back and forth a bit singing the old Soviet national anthem.

We don’t know how they’re doing it. And we’re buggered if we know why, if we’re honest. Although I’ll personally be calling anyone who says anything critical of the dolls a Blairite.”

The manufacturers were already facing serious criticism for the fact that no fence was included with the JC dolls for people to sit him on.

“The little red book was there. A hammer. A sickle. A scythe. A manifesto commitment to renationalise the railways, something most people can agree on, even Chris Grayling when he’s honest, but no Brexit sitting fence.

People felt short changed, but they were reluctant to return the dolls out of a lingering sense of hope they don’t want crushed.”

Understandable.

But with the sudden awareness that the dolls are capable of supporting others expected to be arch enemies on ideological grounds, sales had to be halted while the makers worked out how to stop it happening.

“Imagine if this sort of thing were to happen in the House of Commons?

Say, regarding some controversial legislation that threatened to potentially reduce the rights of 65M+ people, create economic hardship and all there was to show for it was a blue booklet?

There would be riots if the official opposition didn’t use that moment to get a dangerous and divisive government out of office!”

It’s hoped sales of the dolls will recommence once a way is found to stop the JC dolls supporting the May ones.

“Have you seen the state of the Jeremy Hunt Hospital Play Set?

We can’t update those ones in any satisfactory way until we’ve cleared out the May dolls, but people won’t buy either while JC ones are found next to May dolls. It’s downright scary.”

Asked for comment a Labour Party spokesman replied,

“People are commiting class betrayal by claiming that whoever designed the latest version of the dolls, the more populist, less principled model, don’t know their arse from their elbows. They need to be quiet and get back in line.

 

Just leave the JC dolls to do what they like. After we seize power we’ll be nationalising toy production anyway and each Corbyn doll will come with a magic Brexit unicorn big enough for you to ride on.”

Outrage over Home Office plans for burgundy ration books

LCD Views has learned of fury in the halls of Brexit today with the revelation that the Home Office has put out to tender the printing of burgundy ration books.

“It’s supposed to be another genius snub to the EU, which passed a law forcing all member states to produce burgundy passports in 1954, but it’s potentially an own goal by the government,” LCD’s Futures correspondent, N Ostradamus reveals, “for how much burgundy incenses Brexiters. And we’re all Brexiters now.”

The ration books are expected to be made by a Saudi Arabian company, in a tie-up cash for U.K. made bombs deal. This is a win win which is designed at diversifying our middle eastern friend’s economy, away from oil and into print.

“We’ve ordered eighty million of them,” N Ostradamus reveals, “more than the current official population of the U.K., but ask any hardline conservative and they’ll tell you for a fact there’s at least fifteen million illegals hiding in the shires. They won’t get ration books, but it’s worried the indigenous population may eat the books while queuing for bread. We’ll need spares.”

LCD Views suggests, if it’s not too late to change direction, that classic British blue would have been the more patriotic choice.

Labour have criticised the plan too.

“A jobs first Brexit will mean most of the able population tilling our nationalised farms and fields. There won’t be any need for rations. People can eat the fallen fruit in the fields as they turning over sods of soil.”

But we perceive the greater danger is the Saudi’s accidentally dropping crates of burgundy ration books on Yemenis after a potential mix up talking to Boris Johnson.

That’s no good.

We only recycle oil money properly when they drop British made bombs and we turn a blind eye. Well, unless they drop the bombs on a population that can perhaps make it to Europe as war refugees. Then it’s a front page Daily Mail issue that we can all shake our fists about.

Presumably some ration books will make it to British soil, so we suggest you order your blue ration book covers now to conceal the treasonous burgundy. They’d make great birthday and Christmas presents in advance of March 2019.

“They should just make the new blue passports dual use,” N Ostradamus recommends, “it’s not like anyone, except the wealthiest, will be able to afford a holiday after March 2019, and I can’t see Jacob Rees-mogg queuing for food, can you?”

No, he’ll send a servant instead, like all the people driving Brexit.