Chemistry industry warns not to mix any part Brexiter with any part fact

Chemists working at the Nobel Institute for New Forms of Semtex, NINFS, have issued a public warning today that every major news source, bar LCD Views, failed to pick up and run with.

No fearer of a lit fuse attached to a tub of 17th century era gunpowder and a plot, we are giving you the warning that you should have received already.

“Hazardous materials,” Professor Bang began in his weekly warning about something new that blows up,

“We here at the much loved NINFS specialise in making materials more hazardous. But even we have a line we will not cross outside of a laboratory.

I mean, I am absolutely gobsmacked that somebody should think mixing a Brexiter with a fact IN THE HOME was sensible?

What did they think would happen?

BANG! That’s what happens. A big bang too.

We are concerned about the risk to public safety, especially family dinners exploding out of hand at weekends. We ask all people not to do this.

Leave it to the authorities.

They have the bunkers for this sort of research.

Leave it to us. We get funded and we get a lot of funding for this sort of work. It’s great work if you can get it. Send us your CV today.

But yes, it’s important to work out (for the love of God) how to get a Brexit supporting votes to mix with a fact without blowing up, but any voter who still thinks it’s a good idea? Well, they are exceptionally dense and flammable!

Think of magnesium and water.”

The Professor inhaled and continued,

“Remember those old westerns you watched as kid? There was always some cowboy blowing something up with nitroglycerine? That’s the sort of risk we’re looking at.

If you do accidentally mix a fact with a Brexiter, and actually get them to mix, not just slide off one another, for the love of God stand well back.

Do not light fuse. Do not shake or agitate further.

Bang!

You got it?

Wait until our institute works out how to do it without an explosive reaction. Or maybe it’s not the work for us? Maybe it’s a medical science thing. But we’re going to have a go first because we like things that go…

BANG!”

The statement ended with a warning not to try this at home, but seriously, how will science advance if we don’t?

Light fuse and stand well back!

Post of Foreign Secretary to be renamed No Foreigners Secretary from April 2019

One unexpected implication of Brexit is the redundancy of the post of Foreign Secretary. After April 2019, the UK’s borders will be sealed off permanently, rendering contact with the outside world unnecessary. The Foreign Office will close, and the post of Foreign Secretary will be renamed No Foreigners Secretary.

The responsibilities of the postholder will largely comprise of ensuring that the British border is watertight. The No Foreigners Secretary will be in charge of beating the bounds. The PM, whoever it may be, will therefore seek to employ a complete Bounder.

The present incumbent, Boris Johnson, had a crisis of confidence. “What a consternopoly!” he exclaimed. “What a frogwaffling nuisance!” He immediately decided to campaign against Brexit, to keep his job. That is, until he realised that, after April 2019, a complete bounder was required.

“I’m a complete bounder!” he cried, flip-flop-flapdoodling. “And a cad, and a multifantanimous rotter. I’m the man for the job!” Fierce competition is expected from unelected bureaucrat Nigel Farage.

Boris has already started building Britain’s boundary wall. Since supplies of Lego have been banned under the terms of the upcoming Always Buy British Bill, he is constructing it out of stickle bricks.

British seaside holidaymakers will be recruited to help out. They will be instructed to build a wall out of sand using their buckets and spades. The work will only be carried out on sunny days. Because Brexit means that the sun will now shine all day, every day, the work will be finished in no time.

All this will clearly prevent Johnny Foreigner from invading ever again. Britain may seem vulnerable to attacks from above, but this is under control, too. Copious amounts of hot air are already being generated by conceited Brexiters, and the updraught produced is sufficient to repel all aircraft.

So there you have it. Global Warming is caused by Global Britain. You heard it here first.

North London man recovering at home after having to speak against PM on Brexit

Medics report a North London man is recovering at home after having to speak out against the prime minister on an issue related to Brexit.

”It was terrible,” a former colleague told LCD Views, but only after we threatened to expose them as A fake member of the Labour Party, masquerading, who is really a yellow Tory, because they once questioned the Labour leadership’s policy on Brexit/Lexit.

”I heard he was left feeling very faint. It was one of his most difficult days in politics. He’s been an active member of his local branch for donkeys years.”

It’s believed the not very well coded racism in Ms May’s speech about making EU27 nationals second class citizens after March 2019 forced the  North London man to call the press and issue a rebuttal.

”I’m surprised he got on the air, if I’m honest,” the insider went on,

“he has this little weekly local radio gig, well not this week, he was doing something else, which was strange because he talks about issues that impact on people’s day to day lives, and this week has been a shocker for future expectations.

Anywau, normally he’d have a friend talk about Brexit. He doesn’t really want to touch it because he doesn’t want to upset some sentimental types who mostly live up north, but he felt he had to.”

We’re glad he did. May laying down another red line she’ll soon have to scrub out was shaming for its content and context. And the general futility of it.

”He’ll be alright in a day or two. As long as he doesn’t have to speak again about Brexit before the next Conservative Party leadership contest.

Or preferably, the general election in 2022.”

UK slams its bedroom door shouting “EU are not my real parents!”

The EU is prepared to take a deep breath and let the UK sulk. To teach it a lesson, it will give the UK exactly what it wants. With strings attached.

“I just want to help him learn about the real world,” the EU told LCD’s Personified Multinational Trading Blocs correspondent. “The sooner the UK grows up and starts behaving like a responsible country the better. I know best, I AM his parent, although goodness knows who his father is.”

So, how will it work?

“Independence means Independence,” said the EU. “So I have put a lock on the outside of his door which is stronger than the lock on the inside.”

“You can’t do this to me” I have rights!” yelled the UK. “I’m allowed out, but you aren’t allowed in!”

“Leave means Leave,” replied the EU. “So you will no longer be permitted to raid the fridge in the middle of the night.”

“I’ll starve myself to death and then you’ll be sorry!”

“Brexit means Brexit,” continued the EU. “So you will no longer be able to rely on me to bail you out of trouble, or pick you up from your friend’s house at 1am.”

“You are ruining my life!”

“Cliff edge means you will not get any more leg-ups or preferential treatment,” the EU persisted. “In practice, this means that the stairs are now out of bounds.”

“Don’t care.”

“Getting your sovereignty back means the UK will receive no more subsidies from me,” said the EU. “No more pocket money. Go out and get a job. And stop whining!”

“I’ll go and live with someone who understands me,” declared the UK. “China, or North Korea, or the USA.”

“And when they get sick of you? Don’t come running back here begging to be let in again. It’s not going to happen! Off you go, and remember, you brought this on yourself.”

“IT’S NOT FAIR!”

London rejects EU deal on financial services because new banking passports aren’t blue

Downing Street hit back today at the increasingly desperate EU by rejecting an offer on financial services post Brexit because the new bank passports on offer will not be blue.

“Haven’t they heard?” DExEU lapdog and  minister, Steve Baker MP, “we’re not taking your burgundy rubbish anymore! Unless, unless you’re a backer of Brexit and wish to retain freedom of movement post Brexit, in which case you’ll spend about a million quid to buy citizenship, otherwise, forget it!”

The EU are said to be quaking after Downing Street slapped their burgundy offer back in their faces.

“They can’t handle it,” Baker, lapdog and minister, went on, “We beat them in two world wars, three if you count Napoleon, all on our own and we’ll bloody well beat them again if we have to. We still know how to set a ship on fire! Are you listening EU? Do you get me?”

It’s not certain how the city of London is taking the firm stance adopted by Theresa May’s government, regarding the colour of any future banking passport.

We’re certain a terrified representative will pop up on the radio tomorrow morning, between 6:15 and 6:30, Today programme, BBC4, to attempt to diplomatically say something like,

“We’re not supposed to overtly get involved in politics. Lobby the hell out of the government behind closed doors, that goes without saying. But not overtly. So I’m going to say a few measured words and hope you interpret from them that I am dying inside, a little more, each and every day this Brexit insanity goes on.”

Steve Baker had more to say,

“I’ll shortly be nailing my letter to the door of the EU in Brussels setting out our demands for blue banking passports post Brexit. No colour but patriotic, British blue or they can forget about access to our financial markets.”

How do you think they’ll like that?

“They’ll be trembling sunshine. Just dying in their boots. After all, they need us more than we need them. Never forget it.”

Mr Baker then left to go into a dark, quiet room and weep quietly for how different his expectations of a carer in politics are turning out from the reality.

More on this as it comes to hand. As long as it’s the right colour, in the hand.

Institute for Shambles warns UK’s shambles clock has moved to one minute to midnight

The Institute for (World Class) Shambles has issued a warning that the UK’s shambles clock has moved to one minute to midnight.

”It’s been this close a few times before. The banking crisis. The Seuz crisis. That time Colonel Melchett was made Secretary of Defence, pretty much all of the 1640’s was actually midnight, but this is the first time for a while it’s been this close.”

The Institute does clarify that we’ve been moving steadily through the seconds since the general election in 2015.

But what’s nudged the minute hand to one minute to midnight now?

”The government crying leak and we’ll find the traitor, over the financial assessments it wrote, lied to conceal, then finally decided to leak in order to vaccinate the voters with small pox before they catch the full blown yersini pestis of Brexit. That was two minutes to midnight. May losing the vote on her deal and sticking her fingers in her ears has us at one minute to midnight.”

That just sounds like sound governance, surely?

”Well, if it were in anyway conceivable that this was part of an organised strategy and not just a bunch of headless chickens running around 10 Downing Street crashing into walls, I’d grant you that possibility.”

You’ee saying it’s not part of an overall sound and well considered strategy? Surely that’s not possible. Strong and stable. You remember that.

”Are you having me on? We’re a serious bunch of scientists. We don’t laugh when we’re dealing with a complete and utter breakdown of common sense in the parliament of an industrialised economy.”

So how do we turn back the clock?

”You could try Brexit?”

You almost had me there for a heartbeat.

”I like to kid about sometimes. But not for long at one minute to midnight on the Shambles clock.”

What should we do then?

”Set your alarm for five seconds to midnight and just run.”

Where to?

”Hopefully the ballot box.”

Government resists calls to release forecasts detailing cost of shooting UK in one foot, in both feet or just diving head first into a wood chipper

The government is resisting calls to release forecasts detailing the cost of shooting the UK in one foot, in both feet or just diving head first into a wood chipper.

“We can’t let people see these reports, especially not parliament,” a spokesman for DExEU told LCD, “if parliament sees the reports in full they’ll know we’ve gone f*cking bananas.”

It’s understood that pressure is growing regardless, from MP’s and the public, to have the economic forecasts complied by DExEU released in full, so as to better inform the country’s decision makers.

“Look here, look now,” Boxus Barrel-Barn MP, Dorchepper Dimension, commented,

“I’ve got a bloody double barrelled shot gun aimed at my feet. I’ve got my fat, expenses loving finger on the trigger. I need to know what the likely result will be if I go along with the government’s wishes and pull the bloody trigger.”

He’s not alone.

Many MP’s are demanding the release of the documents, faced with the various potential outcomes of the Brexit negotiations.

“I’ve been repeatedly punching myself in the face since the 24th June 2016,” Tory, Tottup-Spiel-Glockem MP, Thrumble on Skirts,

“There’s blood all over the shop. I can’t see anymore. My teeth are rubble. I need to know what’s going to happen if I take it up a notch and get a hammer. Who could possibly tell on their own?”

LCD Views has sympathy with the need for secrecy, as expressed by David Davis and the other bollocks pedlars charged with the difficult task of negotiating the UK’s departure from the largest trading bloc on earth, under the totally believable sun ray of fortune which promises that arms sales to Saudi Arabia will more than make up for the loss of our entire service sector alone.

“I hear Jacob and Owen think the best course of action is just to shove the entire UK headfirst into a f*cking wood chipper and see what comes out the other side,” our political editor commented, “bloody brilliant idea. They’re both keen gardeners. Let’s get going. You first.”

 

Why did the NHS cross the road? Because it was sold for a pile of chlorinated chickens to the USA

LCD Views has been chosen by DExEU to respond to the leaking of Brexit economic forecasts to Buzzfeed, and thus the rest of the press, by asking a pressing question. Why did the NHS cross the road?

The shocking revelation that the government’s own Brexit economic forecasts range from bit crap, to really crap, to omg we’re all going to starve crap, at least solves the riddle of the David Davis song and dance show regarding said impact assessments.

“You know things are bad when the PM legs it and Irritable Duncan Syndrome is rolled out across the Today programme to irritably dissuade the voters from taking fright,” LCD’s bravest economic analyst said.

“And I quite concur with the government, in rubbishing its own secret forecasts. Firstly, the forecasts don’t take into account the massive post Brexit boost to the UK from the bespoke deal we’re going to successfully negotiate with the EU.”

The one they’ve been saying time and again we won’t get?

“The very same. Also, there’s all that value to be released from the sale of the NHS in exchange for an endless avalanche of antibiotic and hormone fattened, swimming pool strength chickens. You can put your fears to rest.”

That sounds reasonable.

“It’s time we privatised the NHS anyway. To make it more cost efficient to run and more productive. And besides, can you smother a GP in a dozen secret herbs and spices?”

Maybe, if you know them well enough.

“How many ducks does a cardiac specialist weigh?”

No idea. Guess it’s bespoke?

“How many eggs can a nurse or a primary care specialist lay, in a day?”

Good question.

“So don’t take fright. It will all be alright. Once the Brexit chickens come home to roost. Oh, and we’ve sold off our most loved public asset in a fire sale beginning at 11pm, 29th March, 2019.”

That’s cleared up that riddle.

“Why did the NHS cross the road?” asked our economic expert, switching to dad joke mode.

“Because it was sold for a pile of chlorinated chickens to the USA. Have a nice day.”

NHS, you know you love it! Mmm.

LCD Views’ shock poll reveals the two shocking things remain supporters shockingly want

LCD Views’ shock poll of remain voters has revealed the two shocking things the majority of remain voters want most and they are shocking!

We asked a random sample of shocked people who voted remain in the last ballot ever needed in the United Kingdom (the one on June 8th 2017 doesn’t count, because it returned a complicated result, according to both leaders of both main parties) what they wanted most of the next couple of years upon this spitting, spinning ball of rock?

“Definitely to see Nigel Farage stay alive,” was the most common response.

We admit, we were a little shocked.

We are personally glad the milk of human kindness still flows deep enough to be concerned with the physical well being of a walking clusterf*ck of a human being, such as Nigel, but we didn’t necessarily expect to hear such an overwhelming response from a random sample of politically opposed voters.

So we dug a little deeper and asked why?

“So he can see the Brexit project collapse and die, why else?”

Ah, it all makes sense.

And the second shock result?

“To finally be able to come to an answer on the most pressing question I’ve been asking my partner since the 24th June 2016.”

Which is?

“If Brexit actually happens, should we move to France or Spain?”

Why limit yourselves to just those two, we’re sure all EU countries will make it easy for disaffected Brits to relocate, with the assets and their belief in a project that has grown to be so much more than the corporate club the Lexit crowd anachronistically still think it is?

“Fair enough, we’ll see who makes the most attractive offer.”

France or Spain? Greece, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, Italy, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, Italy, Portugal, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, Italy, Portugal, Denmark, France or Spain?

The list goes on to include 27 countries eventually. Take your pick.”

DExEU to shift legal headquarters to Panama for duration of Brexit transition period

LCD Views is delighted to report that the cabinet deadlock over what to ask for during the Brexit negotiations, and what rules the UK must adhere to during the transition, has been resolved by the decision to shift the legal headquarters of DExEU to Panama, for the duration of the transition.

“This is a perfect way to square the circle,” T. Dodge, minister at DExEU told LCD Views,

“we were having serious trouble providing businesses with enough time to relocate to the EU, but enable the people who have pushed for, and promoted, and paid for Brexit, a legal way to evade the new EU anti-tax avoidance measures which kick off in 2019.”

It’s believed later today, Theresa May will drag David Davis out of the House of Commons bar and into a toilet.  Once inside she will give him a burner mobile phone and force him to call Angela Merkel.

“Theresa doesn’t want to talk to Angela, if she can avoid it.

She asks really personal questions, like, what do you want?

It’s not Angela’s place to seek answers to private, existential questions from our prime minister.

David will be so smashed, after a good lunch, he’ll just bulldoze though the conversation.

We’re moving to Panama Angela and there’s f*ck all you can do about it! Something like that.

Followed up with, take your new anti-tax avoidance measures and shove it!”

And one of the upsides too, is that this will be a move that will not involve any job losses.

“We will only need to hire one lawyer on Panama to make the shift work. So that’s a lot of London based jobs protected.”

It’s believed the cabinet disorder will settle now that a solution has been found to the sticky answer of how to avoid the new anti-tax avoidance measures, which is one of the primary drivers behind Brexit.

“We can use the transition time now to build a giant skyscraper post box in Westminster to act as the legal address for corporations and individuals, who will need sanctuary from the tyrannical EU’s tyrannical attempts to make corporations and individuals help pay for civil society.

The 8% of global wealth that’s hidden in tax havens needs a champion. UK plc can fulfil that role as we emerge from the xenophobia soaked chrysalis into the beautiful butterfly of Brexit.”