Brexit Dad breaks watch he got for Christmas after spending all week winding it backwards

Brexit Dad was seen demanding answers from the local watchseller, ‘Time Lords’, today after the present he bought himself for Christmas broke after only one week of constantly being wound backwards.

“I wanted a traditional watch,” LCD’s Roaming Reporter overhead, “a watch that tells the time like time was told before 2016, 2015, 2014…”

Figel (Brexit Dad) continued listing the years until he returned to a comforting date in the 1950’s.

“My dad gave me my first watch when I was five in 1955,”

“We don’t sell many watches you have to manually wind up anymore sir. Although I understand your nostalgia for a simple to understand era.

Actually, why don’t I discount half the cost of this broken watch off the cost of a watch that doesn’t need winding up?” the patient watchseller offered.

“I want a bloody watch that winds backwards,” Nigel countered, slamming his fist on the counter. “It’s why I bought a watch with a winder. You’re a bloody wind up merchant!”

The watchseller paused, examined the broken watch again.

“Have you only been winding it backwards?”

“Since the moment I unwrapped it on Christmas morning. Every little thing, each of us does every day, in this way, we help make a success of Brexit. Time travel is possible. Back to the sunny uplands of the Seuz.”

“I don’t think breaking something that was working well is going to make a success of anything. You’ve just incurred additional expense now and a delay before being able to function at the pace of decades past.”

“Commie pinko libtard snowflake remoaning traitorous bastard. Fix. My. Watch.”

“Please don’t shout at me Mr Narage. I can send it back to China for repairs, but it will take a couple of months to come back.”

This seemed to reassure Brexit Dad.

“See!” he trumpeted, “we’ve started trading with the world already and we haven’t even left yet!”

“Left what Sir? Our senses?”

Brexit Dad breaks watch he got for Christmas after spending all week winding it backwards

Brexit Dad was seen demanding answers from the local watchseller, ‘Time Lords’, today after the present he bought himself for Christmas broke after only one week of constantly being wound backwards.

“I wanted a traditional watch,” LCD’s Roaming Reporter overhead, “a watch that tells the time like time was told before 2016, 2015, 2014…”

Figel (Brexit Dad) continued listing the years until he returned to a comforting date in the 1950’s.

“My dad gave me my first watch when I was five in 1955,”

“We don’t sell many watches you have to manually wind up anymore sir. Although I understand your nostalgia for a simple to understand era.

Actually, why don’t I discount half the cost of this broken watch off the cost of a watch that doesn’t need winding up?” the patient watchseller offered.

“I want a bloody watch that winds backwards,” Nigel countered, slamming his fist on the counter. “It’s why I bought a watch with a winder. You’re a bloody wind up merchant!”

The watchseller paused, examined the broken watch again.

“Have you only been winding it backwards?”

“Since the moment I unwrapped it on Christmas morning. Every little thing, each of us does every day, in this way, we help make a success of Brexit. Time travel is possible. Back to the sunny uplands of the Seuz.”

“I don’t think breaking something that was working well is going to make a success of anything. You’ve just incurred additional expense now and a delay before being able to function at the pace of decades past.”

“Commie pinko libtard snowflake remoaning traitorous bastard. Fix. My. Watch.”

“Please don’t shout at me Mr Narage. I can send it back to China for repairs, but it will take a couple of months to come back.”

This seemed to reassure Brexit Dad.

“See!” he trumpeted, “we’ve started trading with the world already and we haven’t even left yet!”

“Left what Sir? Our senses?”

Brexit Dad takes over customs responsibilities at Heathrow airport

Brexit Dad Figel Narage has taken this bold step as part of his patriotic duty to Brexit Britain. He believes that he embodies the values that once made Britain great.

“I responded initially to an appeal for volunteers in the Daily Mail,” Narage revealed. “Help out our hard-pressed public servants and take back control! Well, how could I resist?”

Narage showed the cutting to LCD’s Elementary Deception Correspondent. It contained grandiose phrases, reminiscent of wartime propaganda. “Volunteer for Britain!” “Our country’s greatest resource is YOU!” “Back the Daily Mail’s campaign to put vital funds back into the NHS!”

With immigration high on the political agenda, Narage decided that he must do his bit to stem the tide of freeloaders coming to suckle at Great Britain’s teat. To his surprise, his offer to take over customs responsibilities at Heathrow was accepted.

“The golden age of the gifted amateur is coming back,” said a clearly delighted Narage. “This is what Michael Gove meant when he said we have had enough of experts. I have a plan that is simple enough for a small child to understand.”

Narage has decided that there will be no customs control whatsoever for those leaving Britain. “There’s no need,” he said. “Leave means Leave. The country in overpopulated as it is. It’s not our problem any more.”

Conversely, in order to enter Britain, there will be two lines: blue passports, and immigration control. “Anyone with a true blue passport will be welcomed home and waved through. The rest will be interrogated, physically and almost certainly internally. There are hundreds of Daily Mail readers queueing up to volunteer for interrogation duties.”

Narage reckons his new streamlined system will solve the immigration crisis and save £350m per week for the NHS, or just possibly for tax cuts for Daily Mail readers. “It’s simple, and win-win,” boasted Narage, “just like Brexit itself. It’s a Black and White Brexit.”

Which just about sums up Narage’s immigration policy.

Brexit isn’t about tax evasion say filthy rich Brexit backers demanding legalised tax evasion

The United Kingdom was reassured in its warm marrow today with the reassurance from various ultra Brexit supporters that Brexit isn’t about tax evasion even as they attempt to put public pressure on HMRC to avoid a legal tax bill.

“It’s the revenge of the establishment,” up and coming man of people and MP, B. Johnson, told LCD Views’ only tax specialist,

“we will fight this. Poor little Banks with his massive financial donations in the millions to Leave didn’t do that just to have to pay tax in accordance with the law. He didn’t even know where half the money came from!

Brexit is about inherent self-contradiction, historical amnesia and lying to win, not irony! We will fight the establishment. We. The little people.”

Support also came for the beleaguered non-establishment filthy rich, from self-employed father of twenty seven, J Rees-smog.

“I have been fighting the establishment since the day I was born and handed my union card and numerous non-establishment mansions.

Applying the law in such a way that doesn’t allow the average Brexit supporting multi-millionaire to use an offshore tax haven to avoid paying tax is an attack on the spirit of Brexit.

Additionally, a flat rate of 0% will be the only democratic way to manage my investment business which only coincidentally focuses on countries that symbolise where I want the UK to be by way of rights awarded by massive wealth and a conveniently flexible sense of rule of law.”

Other non-establishment types, like career politician and chancer Farage, and sperm bank escapee Gove, also lent support to effectively bringing the start of Brexit forward by over a year by giving massive bungs to people based on their political stance and wealth, with a blind eye as regards the law.

“They should see it as money well spent,” LCD’s tax specialist commentated, “if they do eventually succeed in isolating the U.K. and breaking it down to just England, it will just be one big tax holiday for the super rich from then on.

Making a big fuss over a legal tax bill now is tantamount to being penny wise and pound foolish, so far as perception of their real motives go.

They should issue scratch cards to raise the money to pay HMRC. That way their tax bill will remain free, as it should so justifiably be.”

Universal credit replaced with compulsory purchase of scratch cards to fund new royal yacht

The Conservative government has moved at last to alleviate the burden of universal credit’s imposition by replacing the scheme with compulsory purchase of special scratch cards to fund the new royal yacht.

“Clearly only one in four people will win,” DWP spokesman, A Syco MP for somewhere, told LCD, “but that’s actually better odds than anyone gets when they enter the lottery of birth.”

It’s believed forcing people sponging off the hardworking British taxpayer with the lifestyle choice of public shaming and official denigration to pay for it will help unite the country behind the plan for the yacht.

“It’s going to bring a real touch of class when Liam Fox and whatever royal is desperate enough set sail for China to agree a comprehensive free trade deal that easily improves on the minor benefits currently gained by membership of the EU,” A Syco observed, “imagine the sight too as people flock to Plymouth to wave hankies and wish them speedy and safe return?”

What the Queen thinks about being dragged into a scheme of nationalist jingoism and tokenism is not clear, but probably best to refer to the EU flag hat she wore to the opening of parliament earlier in the year.

In what is a surprise to some, many people who lived through the Blitz are not Brexiters, but somehow a lot of their children are.

“All these other countries are building space planes and new supersonic aircraft, well, a proper ship with a pine mast imported from Russia will show them up good and proper.”

It’s thought once the new royal yacht, presumed to be called Royal McBoaty Royalface, or Jingo McToken Ridiculehead, or whatever, has finished its life as a trading super symbol, it can be stripped down to the hulk and moored in the Thames estuary.

“This will allow us to store convicted dissenters before we transport them to the new colonies Global Britain is going to discover with our big shiny ship as we forge Empire 2.0,” A Syco enthused, and so say all of us.

Nigel Farage to personally teach children how to smoke in cars again from 2019

Nigel Farage is continuing his one-man mission to mould Great Britain into his own personal Utopia. His next move is to bring back smoking for all, and even extend the privilege to the youngest members of society.

“I want to smoke whenever, and wherever, I want to,” declared Farage. “This is what Brexit is all about – regaining personal freedoms lost to the EU dictatorship. I am determined to reintroduce the right to clog up one’s lungs with gunk while polluting the atmosphere.”

Health campaigner Siggy Hayter was unimpressed. “Smoking has been proved to be bad for you and others,” she preached. “It also looks and smells unattractive. These people are sucking the life out of themselves.”

Farage had his answer ready. “You, my friend, are sucking the joy from life!” he spluttered.

“Where’s the pleasure in sucking on a phallic symbol? demanded Ms Hayter.

“Nothing wrong with enjoying a puff,” countered Farage.

I want to make smoking compulsory. Especially in cars. The whole family can then enjoy the experience together!”

Farage revealed that, once that he is President of the independent UK, smoking will be introduced to the National Curriculum. Children as young as 5 will be expected to master basics such as removing the cellophane from a cigarette packet. Inhaling will be expected from the age of 7, and chain-smoking mandatory by secondary school.

In a related scheme, milk at break time will be replaced with half a pint of best bitter.

“This is such an important policy, so I will personally teach children the art of smoking in a car,” Farage declared. “How to manage lighting up while cornering, ashtray manipulation, and dog-end disposal on the move.”

Nigel had one more bombshell to drop. “I will also ban taxes on tobacco, and tax abstention instead. The more you abstain, the more you pay!”

Ms Hayter was heard to mutter something about reduced life expectancy. No doubt Nigel will be coughing all the way to his coffin.

Page 3 of iconic blue passports to feature topless model

Rule Britannia took another bold step in global reverse this week with the announcement that page three of the new patriot blue passports will feature an iconic topless model in what is being heralded as a tangible victory for the past.

“It’s really a victory for that tireless Briton Rupert Murdoch,” Theresa May gushed, “it was only a few years ago that treasonous libtard snowflakes forced that great icon of British values off page three of the rising Sun.

But today, we announce the first tangible victory struck against the tyrannical Eurocrats of the EU and their underhand quest to make day to day cooperation between nation states easier.”

Patriots will be given a choice of which famous topless model they want to see on page 3 of their sovereignty booklet.

Samantha Fox is rumoured to be the most popular choice amongst the Leave supporting Labour constituencies.

“Tory leave areas differ though. They are said to have already started a petition to have a fully clothed portrait of Queen Victoria instead. Riding a unicorn with a whip in one hand, a bit of rough in the other and a musical chip inserted into the passport that plays Ride of the Valkyries whenever the passport is opened.”

Complaints by dubious types that there should also be the option to have photo of David Hasselhoff from his Baywatch era on page 3 have been met with official scorn.

“Patriots like tits,” a home office spokesman affirmed, “I personally prefer shags.”

As to which leading light of British political thought will be the first the use the passport and display a pair of breasts in declaration of how into the future the U.K. now is?

“It’s between Boris Johnson and Jeremy Corbyn. They’re going to draw straws to choose the winner who will cross the new hard border in Ireland at 00:01 on the 30th March 2019 and explain to the people there how they did all they could.”

Home Office to issue strict guidelines for use of totally unique patriotic blue passports

The Home Office has moved to quell concerns that the new patriot blue passports to be issued upon the founding of Brexitlandia are just a bit of empty symbolism to appeal to the credulous.

Oh, and it will be difficult to follow the instructions for their correct, patriotic use.

“From 11pm 29th March 2019 strict new guidelines will be in place to guide Brexitlandians on the loyal and patriotic use of blue passports for employment in the rare circumstances anyone should wish to leave the only country God cares about and travel across the English Channel to enemy states,” Ramber Udd, speaking for the government informed LCD.

A sample of the one thousand and one new rules is provided below. It’s easy to memorise. It is your duty to do so.

1. Holders of patriot blue passports must express a sincere joy at their possession at all times.

The mere loss of freedom to travel, work, love, settle, receive healthcare and feel a sense of community with approximately half a billion people of varied backgrounds on a continent that was previously famous for slaughtering each other on grounds of nationality and religion will be as nothing compared with the joy of possessing a patriotic Brexitlandian passport.

2. Any individual wishing to leave the hallowed soil of this island nation that has always been guarded against the sea from alien invasion, with the exception of the first nomadic hunter gatherers and then farmers, and Romans, Saxons, Scandinavians, French and all the rest which have combined over millennia to compose the Brexitlandians and make them a special people sanctified under God, will have to attend an interview with Boris Johnson and have a bloody good reason for wanting to leave. Visiting a tax haven will be the only reason that allows immediate approval to travel.

3. A telephone book of forms will of necessity have to be filled out to obtain a temporary exit visa.

4. A dependent child will need to be lodged as security against flight before any Brexitlandian will be allowed to leave Brexitlandia.

Individuals are encouraged not to kidnap children from neighbouring villages and present as their own as all individuals will be photographed in biometric black and white and placed on a family tree kept by the Patriotic Office of Internal Citizens Who Love Only Brexit, so there will be no point in trying to escape, if you love your children.

It will be best to memorise the rules before applying for an exit visa.

Citizens are encouraged not to worry if they do not currently have dependent children, as only individuals with dependent children will be allowed to apply for a temporary exit visa.

This is to guard against unpatriotic flight of young, educated, fertile citizens who should stay home and breed for Brexitlandia.

5. “It should be noted also, that people returning from enemy territory will be required to record a short video tape explaining how horrible and degraded they found France.”

It will be best to endorse English cheese over enemy cheese and to swear blind English Sparkling Wine was the inspiration for the lesser, enemy varieties.

6. You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.

Apply for your passport today and begin learning the guidelines, so you can be reassured your children will be returned upon your return to home.

Brexit Dad told to get over it after losing at Monopoly

Brexit Dad Figel Narage was upset after playing the festive board game with his children. His daughter, Figella, bankrupted him and started gloating.

Narage’s son, Figel junior, dropped out of the game early on and joined forces with his sister. Their success was a surprise. Brexit Dad held the better cards, but was stung for street repairs and sent to jail. Then an unlucky Chance card sent him to Figella’s hotel on Trafalgar Square and that was that. “We won, you lost!” chanted the children. “Get over it!”

Narage’s wife, Krystyna, wandered over to see what the fuss was about. “It’s not fair, love,” he moaned. “I’m sure they must have cheated or something. Make us a cuppa, would you?”

“Stop moaning, and get over it,” she retorted. “The Will Of The Children must be obeyed. Anyway, there’s no tea.”

“Why not?” wailed Figel.

“It’s not native to Britain,” she snapped. “So you banned it, remember?”

“Can I have a Coke, mum?” Figella asked.

“No, darling, it’s American. Have a pint of bitter instead,” said Krystyna. “Figel, clear up that mess the winners have left for you. Figella, could you offer your Dad a second referendum – I mean round of Monopoly – just to keep the peace? What do you think? Cheer your Dad up?”

“Nah, he’s a bad loser,” sneered Figella. “I know he would probably win if we played again. But there’s no point. We won. There’s no Get Out Of Jail Free card!”

Figella and Figel junior found, however, that their remaining entertainment options were severely limited. Their phones had been confiscated for being Korean. Their Nintendo had been sent back to Japan whence it came. Even chess was banned as it originally came from India. But nothing could persuade them that a second round of Monopoly was necessary.

Figel senior himself stumped off in anger to create his own Brexit-themed board game. I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Cluedo will be in the shops in time for Christmas.

Downing Street calls exorcist in attempt to stop three ghosts keeping May awake at night

LCD Views’ Ghosts Are Real At Christmas correspondent has heard rumours today that Downing Street has called in an exorcist in an attempt to stop three ghosts keeping the prime minister awake at night.

“They’re pretty relentless,” an aide to the prime minister told us, “it’s the same every evening. When she goes to walk through the front door she sees the ghost of Margaret Thatcher in the big door knob and that’s just the start of it.”

The exorcist is believed to have been summoned from a European country, but has apparently not yet started his work at the famous address due to concerns about what sort of reception he will receive when he arrives in England.

“We’ve been offering reassurance that we won’t deport him until the moment after he finishes the job of clearing out the spooks. I don’t know where he got the idea he won’t be welcome in May’s home. It’s pretty perplexing.”

But critics have called the hiring of the exorcist an unnecessary expense as only one of the ghosts can feasibly be real.

“The ghost of Christmas past is real. It’s Margaret Thatcher. She gets Theresa up to berate her over her attempts to ruin the single market and then goes on a surprising rant about homelessness. Which is pretty shocking. I mean, if you’re that cold hearted that Maggie feels the need to lecture you, well…”

It seems Boris Johnson is the ghost of Christmas present.

“That’s not too unusual. Boris tends to show up late at people’s houses and get them out of bed begging to be hidden from someone’s husband, but this time he lectures May about how she needs to be more autocratic and more confusing and the bally idiots who vote for her won’t know which way to turn.”

But it seems the ghost representing the future is the most disturbing.

“It’s Rees-mogg. He visits her with photos of his twelve children, who he has appointed to cabinet positions. He actually comes to thank her for doing all she did to destroy representative democracy in the U.K. and allow him to make everyone in the country his vassal when he becomes prime minister of an isolated and largely ignored little island off the coast of Europe.

Which he is quite happy with, as he has basically turned the whole show into his private harem and implemented a kind of Handmaid’s Tale society in.”

The exorcist is expected to arrive any day now and is a bit of a bargain for only charging £350M for one week.