David Davis to sue David Davis’ nose after David Davis cut David Davis’ nose off David Davis’ face

The power of the state is to be turned against David Davis’ nose this week after David Davis wrote to the prime minister demanding she takes legal action after his nose fell off his face.

From a letter leaked exclusively to LCD Views we can reveal the above, and the Secretary of State for Shafting the UK’s reasoning.

“It’s true I threatened to cut my nose off my face if Barnier’s nose didn’t agree that his face needed my nose more than I needed my nose,” advises Mr Davis, “and it’s also correct that I proceeded to cut off my nose with my own blade in order to make it clear to Barnier’s nose just how far I was to prepared to go to maintain a deep and special relationship with the EU, while telling it to F off,”

There’s a lot of buts and it’s for a while, some outright lying, then,

“My nose has purposely ruined my best shirt for when I’m propping up the bar in the House of Commons.

There’s my own blood all over the place.

I demand the state sues my nose to cover the costly dry cleaning bill I’ve incurred when it took me at my word and fell off, after I cut it off my face.”

The Prime Minister is yet to respond to Mr Davis’ written demand, believed to currently be just sitting behind her desk at Downing Street asking passers by,

“When does this end? Can someone tell me when I’ll be sacked? I can’t do it myself. I can’t even sack Hunt.”

In response to Davis’ leaked letter the EU had this to say,

“Of course, when a member state comes to us and says it is going to have our cake and eat it and it can do it while cutting its nose off its face, we prepare for exactly that by standing back and having our own cleaners on standby, just in case, as any fool can see it’s all going to get very messy.

These Brexit people must think we’re as full of piss and wind as they so clearly are. It’s really quite incredible.”

It seems both David Davis’ nose and the EU can smell a load of BS a mile away, pity the same can’t be said for the individuals on our side who are creating it.

And the cost of Davis’ dry cleaning bill?

You guessed it, currently running at £350M per week to the taxpayer, and set to rise.

BOOM time for concrete suppliers as operation ‘Carpark Kent’ commences

DExEU is thrilled to announce today that it alone is responsible for “the boom time commencing for patriotic British concrete suppliers, owing to the car-parking over of Kent”.

“This is just sensible advanced planning in the advent of a ‘no deal Brexit’,” David Davis MP told LCD’s Aggregates and Other Materials Specialist.

“Clearly, if we do crash out of the European Union without a deal, or a transitional period being agreed, then the customs queues at Dover are going to be eyewateringly long.

Our initial plan was to build a bridge all the way from the White Cliffs to France, but that idea was abandoned at the concept phase, for being contradictory to the entire ethos of Brexit.”

And it’s not only concrete suppliers that are experiencing the joys of sudden influxes of giant amounts of taxpayer’s cash.

Demolition building contractors are right now ferrying busloads of labourers across the entire Kent landscape armed with pneumatic drills and sledgehammers.

“We’re setting up temporary accommodation for the population of Kent in Yorkshire. Clearly, all the houses and standing structures in Kent have to be flattened as you can’t park lorries on bumps.”

The temporary accommodation is tents, for the most, with the first families to arrive being given the few trailer homes DExEU could requisition at short notice.

“We will be airdropping food supplies to the relocated people, for the first week, but I advise them to locate the nearest off license, as they’ll need to be self sufficient from week two.”

Labour however, in spite of the jobs being generated, have hit back at the new concrete focused, infrastructure plan.

“We agreed with government that there would be no contingency planning in advance of Brexit. Such treacherous moves make it less likely we’ll be able to nationalise the farming sector in Kent, when we take power in April 2019, as you can’t grow corn on concrete. We’re deeply troubled.”

In a surprise, additional statement, Labour even threatened to whip the PLP to vote against Theresa May’s government on a Brexit amendment again, but that’s thought just to be a bit of bluster and not a serious threat. It’s rumoured Mr Corbyn is still waiting for his pulse to settle after having done it once. You have to build momentum to vote against a weak government on its agenda of bulldust and lies. You can’t just launch yourselves into it!

“We don’t need to do operation Carpark Kent,” Tom Watson, Labour deputy leader, added later, on his facebook page,

“We’ve a perfectly sensible plan to continue trade, post Brexit, with the continent by way of thousands of little British boats ferrying goods back and forth daily between England and Dunkirk. It’s our new ‘boats first Brexit’.”

A boats first Brexit? That’s something we can get onboard with!

Barnier calls for end of EU FoM after having to put up with a racist idiot from England all morning

The chief negotiator for the European Union, Michel Barnier, called for an immediate freeze on freedom of movement within the EU 28 this afternoon.

“Just until we can work out what the hell is going on,” Mr Barnier added,

“I had this racist clown in my office all morning banging on about borders and taking back control and immigration and Britain being full, it was appalling. He was straight out of the 1930’s.”

It appears Barnier didn’t recognise Farage at first.

“Apparently he is an elected MEP who struts about constantly complaining that the EU is undemocratic in some sort of endless stand up act. I didn’t recognise him. He’s never turned up to do a full day’s work as an MEP as far as I can tell.”

The fact that Farage is a surname of French derivation added to the confusion.

“I thought he must be one of Le Pen’s useful idiots. But apparently he is some English blowhard who is most likely working for the Kremlin. This alone explains why I now agree with the Brexit mob that we need tighter EU border control and an immediate end to freedom of movement.”

Mr Barnier went on to say he was also in favour of retrospectively tightening up the qualifications for receiving an EU pension.

“Mr Farage has done nothing even close to work in the EU parliament, in spite of apparently being elected to it for many years. It’s hard to see how working to destabilise a trading union that has helped reinforce peace in Europe since WW2 equates to a pension once he’s made his own position extinct?”

Additionally Mr Barnier suggested the building of a wall around the entire United Kingdom.

“If it stops men who micmic racist Nazi propaganda in referendum campaigns from getting into my office I’m all for it.

The United Kingdom can pay for it too, with its automotive, aerospace, pharmaceutical and financial services industries over the next few years.”

EU border control have been told to watch out for Mr Farage attempting to cross the channel again and to halt him at the border until his passport is blue. At which point he will be charged for a visa and asked to queue a very long time.

Oh those silly Eurocrats, Farage got himself a German one after the referendum.

He maybe the worst we can produce and an appalling hypocrite who has set a destructive and divisive national agenda that both leaders of both main political parties at Westminster have currently signed up to, but he’s no fool.

“Perhaps your politicians at Westminster, Mr Corbyn and Ms May, could have a little talk about whose vision of the future of the U.K. they are working to fulfil?”

Ministry for Patriotic Teas established to ensure all tea drunk in U.K. is grown in U.K.

Michael Gove has moved to reassure British tea drinkers this weekend that from March 2019 all tea drunk by Britons will be homegrown once more and deeply patriotic.

Appearing on the unbiased Marr programme this morning Gove set out his vision.

“The tyranny of the European Council, working hand in glove with the ECHR, has forced patriotic British patriots to drink inferior, trade protection racket foreign teas for so long,” Mr Gove said, “it’s feared most Britons today have forgotten that prior to our illegal membership of the EU British tea was blue.”

Mr Marr nodded along in a respectful and unbiased manner throughout the interview, only raising his hand a few times to pat Mr Gove on the back.

Questions about how much the new Ministry will cost have not yet been answered,

“I can tell you it won’t be £350M a week!” Mr Gove MP chortled, “only Boris is using that sum now.”

Gove did go on to reveal the new ministry is expected to cost roughly five billion pounds.

“But that will more than be recouped by the sales of excess blue British teas to India, China, Ceylon and Burma.”

It’s thought the British tea drive will be catchphrased ‘Drink for Britain’ and see so many people employed picking tea in the Yorkshire Dales, the success of the northern powerhouse is assured.

“What colour is the tea in your boot sonny?” Gove winked, “that’s what customs officers will be asking people returning to the motherland from April 1st 2019.”

Any tea the wrong colour will be seized and burnt, along with any books.

Drink for Britain and make sure your tea is blue, old fashioned patriot blue grown in blue English soil like it used to be.

Team GB pray arguing online about Brexit will be sport at next Olympics

LCD Views can reveal today that Archbishop of Brexit, John Humphrys, hosted a special prayer service earlier this week with representatives of Team GB.

“They wanted divine assistance,” a typist who transcribes the Archbishop’s daily dictaphone notes revealed.

“We’re not always going to win the running races, or even the cricket, at the games, but we’re promised gold, silver and bronze by divine right in arguing about Brexit and related events. We’ve been practising.”

Suggestions for what the events should be called by Team GB are as follows:

1. How to confuse a Leaver (Team GB says agree with them before asking them for a lift to the next KKK meeting).

2. Brexit Thread Time Trials (how quickly can you get a Brexiter to start insulting you by using three syllable plus words).

3. The White Paper Sovereignty Dash (who can find the passage in the government’s own Brexit white paper that admits we never lost sovereignty. Brexiters, of any nationality, never win this one. Never. They don’t even turn up to compete).

Associated events are ones such as :

I’ve Voted Labour All My Life But I’d Never Vote for Corbyn.

The details on this one are not clear.

It’s thought to be a free for all event depending on your starting position on Brexit mixed with how many people you’ve met in real life who are Russian bots out to muddy the waters of British politics.

But Forgetting Advisory Referendums are Advisory is thought to be a guaranteed gold for Team GB, with most elected British MPs at the top of their game in this field.

The Olympic Committee are yet to respond to the concept, but it’s believed in a rare outbreak of unity all twenty seven other members of the EU are expected to back Team GB’s effort.

“We’re a damn sight better prepared for all these events than any representative of Great Britain,” EU head coach, Michel Barnier, told LCD, “just look at all our piles of paper.”

To add your support to Team GB’s push for Olympic gold start a petition today and forward to a friend. Everyone in our office will sign it!

Norwich relocates to Germany to keep Colman’s English mustard English

Norwich became the first major region of the United Kingdom to break ranks and announce its relocation to Germany.

“We’re moving to a German province,” a spokesman for Norwich, who wished to remain anonymous, informed one of LCD’s many condiment correspondents.

“But we ask our former countrymen and women to not be despondent.

We’re making this move now, ahead of Brexit day, to keep English Mustard English.

We see no other alternative. We certainly couldn’t go to France as they have French mustard.

But so long as it’s English hands doing the mixing the mustard will cut it. Oh, and we’ll all still have employment.”

But senior Brexiters have hit back, mostly with death threats, which explains the anonymity.

“If we can’t win with factual arguments we can do it with repeated jingoistic slogans and threats of violence,” Brexit spokesmen, Lord Haw Haw responded.

“Unilever should do their patriotic duty for Britain, like all multi-national corporations, and make a loss for Brexit.

The only mustard that will taste like mustard is patriotic English mustard. This is the 21st Century.

We’ve sold most of our assets to foreign interests and we demand they do what Theresa May orders them to while simultaneously offering whatever they demand, even though she can’t make good these secret deals and everyone is going to leave anyway because they’re responsible to their shareholders and employees and not some bullshit nostalgia project.”

Applying further pressure on Unilever is that plank David Davis.

“This is like Colonel Mustard murdering English mustard in the conservatory with a pitchfork.

I won’t stand for it.

I will be asking my colleague at the Ministry of Defence to blockade Norwich immediately and prevent mustard making secrets leaving for the continent.

This is just bringing forward plans for post March 2019 anyway, when no serfs will be allowed to leave their allotment without their Lord’s consent.

The end of freedom of movement is going to be total. Norwich and its mustard can’t be allowed to get away with it. What next? Yorkshire tea grown in China?”

But LCD’s condiment correspondent thinks this will not stop Norwich leaving the United Kingdom.

“MOD sauces have said they can’t be doing a blockade of Norwich as all Royal Navy ships are currently shadowing one Russian cruiser off the coast of Orkney.

That’s how many ships we have now after years of austerity.

Which in hindsight seems a strange move from a governing party so clearly infatuated with violent nationalism they’ve backed a national agenda promoted by a man who mirrored Nazi propaganda in the referendum campaign.

You would have thought that would have torpedoed the Leave agenda in a modern democracy, but apparently not.

Now you’re just supposed to forget all that, forget Jo Cox, and get behind Brexit.”

For our part we will be stockpiling all iconic condiments ahead of March 2019 in order to have barter items to hand when the economy is reorientated for the man and woman on the street to a traditional exchange of goods.

We suggest one pot of English made Colman’s Mustard will be worth at least a Cornish pasty, but we’ll have to see what the free market decides on the day.

The Will Of The People is Brexit’s biggest lie

Many lies and half-truths have been told about Brexit. The most obvious is, of course, the £350m a week for the NHS. This lie was revealed immediately after the Referendum result was announced. However at LCD Views, we believe that there is a bigger lie, which originated in the rabid prose of the tabloid press. This lie is that Brexit is the Will Of The People.

Neither side of the argument can come away with much credit. But the focus of this article is not what was said during the Referendum campaign. Neither is it to look at the pros and cons of Brexit. This article looks at the current state of the debate – or, more accurately, the lack of it.

First, the facts. The Referendum asked whether the UK should remain in the European Union or leave it. 17m voted leave, 16m voted remain. 13m did not vote, and 18m were ineligible.

Secondly, democracy. The word means, literally, “rule by the people”. In the UK, this principle works by delegating representatives to speak, and debate, on behalf of their constituents. Though by no means a perfect system, it functions well enough most of the time.

Thirdly, this phrase “The Will Of The People”. This conjures images of the population speaking as one, united in a common cause. Although 100% unity is virtually impossible, a substantial majority favouring an objective is acceptable. 52% of votes cast is in no way ‘substantial’. Out of 64m people in the UK, 17m voted leave. This is roughly 27% of The People. The Will Of The People is a lie.

Brexit is occurring on the strength of the Referendum vote. Yet any challenge to the legality of Brexit, or debate as to its effects, has been shut down. ““It is The Will Of The People. You can’t argue with democracy.”” Precisely. Democracy means respecting all views, including those of the 16m remainers, the 18m ineligible, and the 13m non-voters.

The Referendum was advisory, and there was a small majority, among those who voted, in favour of leaving the EU. Parliament blithely accepted, without so much as a whimper, that the Referendum result is a mandate for Brexit. Why? It is, naturally, “The Will Of The People”.

This is not democracy. This is not The Will Of The People. The People were hoodwinked. The Will Of The People is a lie.

It appears that opposition to Brexit has been cowed by The Will Of The People. There has been no challenge to the lie, from the major political parties, the press, or even the BBC. In this intellectual vacuum, the debate has been reduced to the level of the primary-school playground. “”We won, you lost, get over it. Ner nerny ner ner.”” Even our elected representatives are at it.

Brexit is not The Will Of The People. The People have almost no idea of the repercussions of Brexit. They voted on the basis of propaganda and xenophobia. Facts and predictions were almost completely absent in the run-up to the Referendum. Any subsequent data, analysis or opinion which is contradictory to the ideals of a hard Brexit is dismissed. Opposition is branded as betrayal, sabotage, enemy of democracy, defying The Will Of The People.

This is wrong. Democracy requires a healthy debate, and the Referendum should have served as a convenient starting point, not the last word.

The Will Of The People is Brexit’’s biggest lie. Don’t fall for it.

Senior Tories furious Royal Mail Brexit stamp edition just pictures of poos

The Royal Mail was in danger of full and instant privatisation in days as senior Tories vented their rage at the special Brexit stamp edition being solely pictures of poo.

“When we demanded Brexit stamps we expected maps of Global Britain retaking America and resuming transportation of convicts to Global America 2.0, not these little pictures of poo!” J. Deadwood, MP for Bringing Back on Hanging told LCD.

“The moment we all finish our long New Year holidays and parliament gets back to something that looks like work, I’m going to pass a motion calling for an immediate end to the Royal Mail.

I fancy Branson will buy it the same day, if we run it down enough first.

Of course we’ll have to promise public funds to prop it up after purchase.

That’s the free market we like. No capitalist in risk of a loss because the public will bail them out.

But pictures of poo? What’s wrong with just a big toilet instead?”

But the current CEO of the Royal Mail, Mr S. Tamp, responded abruptly,

“We took this brief very seriously. We took it down before we got down to business. We wanted to capture all possible Brexits with a realism that does the country proud. It was a big jobby. Our hands got so dirty dealing with it we were scrubbing for days.”

It seems the explanation won’t save Mr Tamp though. It’s rumoured he will shortly be locked in a darkened room and visited by John Humphrys, of radio 4 fame, who is going to shout ‘will of the people’ at him until he recants.

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about anyway,” S. Tamp added, in what is likely to be his last public statement as an enemy of democracy,

“after March 2019 there will be no more communication with the outside world anyway. No one is going to see the stamps be they pictures of waterfalls or turds.

Well, maybe that’s wrong, there will be contact I suppose, but only by distress flares.”

Liam Fox buys three bedroom semi on Pacific Rim to move entire U.K. into

Liam Fox MP is pleased to announce, via LCD’s only real estate correspondent, that he has almost completed purchasing a three bedroom semi-detached house off the coast of Fukushima.

“I just hope nothing goes wrong,” a breathless Dr Fox told LCD, “we’ve exchanged contracts, but completion is contingent on there being no more nuclear accidents before completion date. And definitely no tidal waves. I told the mortgage company it’s located on a quiet lake, not the Pacific Rim, If they find out I lied I’ll have to leg it.”

Mr Fox reportedly searched far and wide for the UK’s new home, after agreeing to sell our current one lock stock to a consortium comprised of American, Chinese and some Russian interests.

“Some people have criticised me, saying I should have found where everyone in the UK is moving to before selling our current home, but they don’t know international wheeler dealing like me. Have you seen my air miles lately? It’s nuts. Guinness book of records nuts.”

It’s believed this announcement is also a cunning bit of strategy connected to the current Brexit negotiations with the EU.

“The EU thinks we intend to stay dwelling off the coast of France, even after Brexit. Won’t they be shocked when they wake up and realise we’ve done a runner in the night! We do actually owe them a little bit of rent, so we have to move at night.”

It’s not clear who Mr Fox is going to employ to move the entire country, and its pets, and settle them into the three bedroom house on the Pacific Rim, but we’re sure to get a great Pacific trade deal once we get there!

“A good friend of mine has promised to help us move,” Fox smiled, “but only if he gets to choose our new curtains. He likes to play hide and seek.”

Brexit Dad breaks watch he got for Christmas after spending all week winding it backwards

Brexit Dad was seen demanding answers from the local watchseller, ‘Time Lords’, today after the present he bought himself for Christmas broke after only one week of constantly being wound backwards.

“I wanted a traditional watch,” LCD’s Roaming Reporter overhead, “a watch that tells the time like time was told before 2016, 2015, 2014…”

Figel (Brexit Dad) continued listing the years until he returned to a comforting date in the 1950’s.

“My dad gave me my first watch when I was five in 1955,”

“We don’t sell many watches you have to manually wind up anymore sir. Although I understand your nostalgia for a simple to understand era.

Actually, why don’t I discount half the cost of this broken watch off the cost of a watch that doesn’t need winding up?” the patient watchseller offered.

“I want a bloody watch that winds backwards,” Nigel countered, slamming his fist on the counter. “It’s why I bought a watch with a winder. You’re a bloody wind up merchant!”

The watchseller paused, examined the broken watch again.

“Have you only been winding it backwards?”

“Since the moment I unwrapped it on Christmas morning. Every little thing, each of us does every day, in this way, we help make a success of Brexit. Time travel is possible. Back to the sunny uplands of the Seuz.”

“I don’t think breaking something that was working well is going to make a success of anything. You’ve just incurred additional expense now and a delay before being able to function at the pace of decades past.”

“Commie pinko libtard snowflake remoaning traitorous bastard. Fix. My. Watch.”

“Please don’t shout at me Mr Narage. I can send it back to China for repairs, but it will take a couple of months to come back.”

This seemed to reassure Brexit Dad.

“See!” he trumpeted, “we’ve started trading with the world already and we haven’t even left yet!”

“Left what Sir? Our senses?”