Brexit Dad to get his family a puppy for Christmas but says it’s not for life

“The kids have been banging on about a puppy forever,” Figel Narage told LCD Views’ Happy Families columnist. “I think it’s too much responsibility, for me.”

But it seems the kids have won out?

“So I said, fine, okay, you can have one, but it can’t be from a shelter because those dogs all have mange.

And most are foreign anyway brought into the country by bleeding heart libtards and then just dumped on the street for the hard working, honest British taxpayer to look after.”

Our correspondent asked how he knew this, for a fact?

“It was in the Daily Fail. Front page. Every other Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Monday and Friday.”

“It’s going to be a surprise. A Christmas surprise,” Mrs Narage quietly interjected, from her chair in the corner.

Her input forced a tired sigh from Figel.

“She’s put them up to it.”

“I didn’t darling. Every child should have a puppy. It teaches them to care for others.”

The interview paused for a little while so Mr and Mrs could discuss the pros and cons of a puppy, we suspected it was not for the first time.

“It’s going back as soon as it grows up,” Mr Narage finished the debate. “I’m only prepared to transfer so much of my hard earned money out of my account in Jersey to pay for poop bags and food.”

But won’t the children be devastated? They’ll have fallen in love with it only to have it taken away, seemingly arbitrarily?

“Listen snowflake, when I was a boy my dad used to keep a dog to set on the neighbours when they came about pestering for cups of flour. That was a good laugh.”

But what does that have to do with today?

“The children will be fine when the puppy goes to a shelter. They’ll just have to pull together and make the best of it. It’ll harden them up and set them up to make a success of life.”

And what will you call the puppy?

“Sovereign, or Half Sovereign. I haven’t decided yet.”

“Christmas Day is going to be beautiful.” Mrs Narage nods.

“Yes. And the random date I pluck out of a hat to get rid of the dog is going to be even better.”

But what if the shelter will not take Sovereign back?

There was silence a moment, until Mrs Narage commented quietly,

“We’ll just have to tell the kids we lost Sovereign and dump it.”

And for the first time in the interview, Mr Narage smiled.

“My Little Brexit” impact assessments coming soon

Alarming news this afternoon that the government’s announcement it will be soon be releasing the Brexit impact reports has been met by the threat of legal action by the publisher of the ‘My Little Pony’ children’s books.

“We just wanted to present them on a level that steadfast supporters of Brexit, within and without government, could understand easily,” Ms Total Ly, junior minister at DExEU, advised LCD Views.

“It never occurred to us that a matter of national importance would require us to actually work from scratch and figure out a new narrative when there are so many classic British stories to borrow from.”

It’s believed the mistake may also be a result of the time pressure the department is under to produce the reports alongside unpatriotic collaborators working with reality to undermine Brexit.

“We really could have done with a longer extension on our assignment,” Ms Ly advised, “well, not me, but the senior ministers involved. Apparently they’ve only been campaigning for Brexit for forty something years. Hardly enough time to have worked up any idea of how to actually implement it.”

It’s believed the pony book publisher is most incensed over the borrowing of their very original works because there is,

“Absolutely no way we would ever subject Applejack to the excessive fantasy and guaranteed bad end with few lessons learned that Davis and Fox and rest will meet,” a spokesman claiming to speak for the publisher advised.

“I mean we deal in make believe here, but Brexit? That’s a crazed delusion I fear our young readers will never escape from if they’re sucked into that realm.”

It’s believed DExEU will offer to settle out of court, should proceedings commence, as will presumably many of the main character actors involved in Brexit itself.

Patterson and Fox in furious row over who cuts the ribbon at first British unicorn farm opening

LCD’s Westminster mole reports this afternoon that a furious row has broken out between Owen Patterson and Liam Fox over who gets to cut the ribbon at the opening ceremony of the first British unicorn farm upon Brexit.

“Owen believes it should be him,” A Mole said, “as he’s sure he’s going to be able to personally arrange gigantic export deals to China of prime quality unicorn prestige British T-bone steak.”

But Fox is said to be livid at Patterson stepping on his FTA toes and gone after him while holding a cup of jelly beans in the Commons lunch room.

“I hear it became pretty ugly. Liam threw the purple jelly beans first because they’re not his favourite colour. Then the greens. Owen picked up a folding chair and looked like he was going to throw it but it folded up and caught his pinky finger.”

It was at this point that the new Tory chief whip intervened to stop the spectacle before Tom Watson could write about it on Facebook.

“They’ve both been given detention this afternoon. Everyone is sure they’ll fight again in the room and MPs are desperately trying to get into trouble so they can be in the room to watch the action.”

It’s not thought the dispute will be settled easily.

Liam is the best deal maker the U.K. has ever produced, but Owen will claim we’re only going to be able to grow real unicorns in the first place because of his GMO work with goats at home in his shed all these years when everyone said he was crazy.

“At least the farmer in Cornwall who’s been chosen to grow the unicorns to harvest will be happy whatever happens,” A. Mole added, “as unicorns pretty much grow and harvest themselves by magic.”

Plan to rename Foreign Office as British Office doesn’t go back in time far enough say critics of foreign secretary

Jeremy Corbyn faced criticism yesterday for failing to ask any Brexit related questions at PMQ’s today, specifically in relation to rumours that Boris Johnson intends to change the name of the Foreign Office to the British Office at the stroke of Brexit, in order to keep his party’s tenuous grip on its UKIP voters.

“I was astounded,” a leading political journalist who occasionally writes for LCD Views commented, “Mr Johnson’s plans are a huge truth bomb and give the lie to the claim by Brexiter’s that they love everyone, regardless of where they were born. It should have been tackled at PMQ’s.”

Although other Westminster bubble dwellers have suggested wryly that it’s not like Ms May would be aware of Mr Johnson’s future plans.

It is of course quite likely that all of Mr Johnson’s future plans are improvised daily, like all leading proponents of Brexit, and just aimed at a fuzzy feeling in the distance.

Educated commentators on social media seemed to approve. As soon as the rumour made headway on Twitter, it leapt to Facebook and thousands of users with Saint George flags in their profiles began shouting that it’s a British office so it should have Britain in its name. It’s only logical.

“It does make sense in a way,” our colleague smiled, “as we’ll only be talking to ourselves after March 2019 anyway, so why not change the name of the office of state to reflect the new paradigm.”

LCD Views robustly supports any tokenism playing to nationalists, although we raise concerns that the words Britain, Briton and Britishness maybe obsolete pretty soon after we make a success of Brexit.

It will probably be wise to get ahead of the curve and rename the office the English Office, or perhaps the Kingdom of Wessex Office? It depends how far back we go in the time machine of State.

IT experts shocked to discover each Russian online “bot” has five smaller fake profiles inside

Great strides were taken towards stopping the corrosive impact of Russian “bots” on social media platforms today with the discovery that each fake profile has a minimum of five smaller fake profiles inside.

“It’s ingenious,” LCD’s IT whiz, Dr Whiz, commented, “and it goes a great way towards explaining how groups such as Activate and Moggmentum appear to have a bizarrely high number of members online.”

Bizarre in this context means a number greater than zero.

“We’ve known for a while that all the Nigel Farages are grown in a computer bot farm in the Kremlin, but to discover Activate’s six members on Facebook are all one fake profile neatly packed with another five smaller ones makes the puzzle easier to solve.”

It’s believed the clever design, which is believed to take inspiration from the traditional Russian dolls given as gifts and found in many living rooms around the west, explains why there were so many curiously ignorant people arguing that Brexit would lead to a land full of golden unicorns online during and after the EUref.

“The trick is to block them as soon as they attempt to engage with you. Once you talk to a bot it unpacks itself and you suddenly find half a dozen profiles who have not even a rudimentary understanding of the EU shouting they’ve won.”

The irritant is not yet solved, Dr Whiz warns.

“It’s easy enough to spot the latest generation of them on social media platforms these days. They invariably begin any statement with the unbelievable phrase, ‘although I voted remain in the referendum’, before talking barely comprehensible bollocks.

And it’s a good thing the PM has told Putin she’s onto him now too. Not that it matters, as Brexit still seems to mean Brexit..”

Voters travelling to beaches to stick their head in Brexit sands advised to check tide tables

Health and safety watchdogs have issued a public safety directive this evening that any voters travelling to English beaches to stick their head in the Brexit sands should first check tide tables to reduce the risk of drowning.

“As the economic data worsens and reports come in of NHS and farming staff shortages, Brexit voters are increasingly taking the wise decision to stick their head in the sand,” Mr C Aps’ said.

“As a responsible government authority we request they first check the relevant tide tables so they do not drown as the tide rises about them while they are taking shelter from any information that runs contrary to the decision they have invested so much emotion into.”

There are four tides a day, two high and two low, so while it isn’t possible to go full ostrich on the beach the entire time, sufficient periods of ignorance are achievable with a little care.

LCD Views will be assisting voters who maybe unable to travel to a beach by shortly retailing Brexit Bucket and Sand Kits from our online shop, just as soon as we can secure a British sand supplier that supplies sand in red, white and blue patterns.

The buckets will be incredibly flammable should any new economic forecast come into contact with them, so further care is encouraged.

In the interim we encourage our millions of readers to just imagine they are already on the beach experiencing the cold comfort of digging a hole while the water is out and stick your head inside.

While inside be sure to repeat, I won, get over it and if preferable say it in caps.

Stay safe on Brexit sands and remember as you dig, every hole you dig is a hole dug for Britain.

Davis tells Parliament you can have a vote but it’s only advisory

David Davis reassured the Commons today in an earth shattering concession that the representatives of the people can now vote on the final Brexit deal, but it is only advisory.

LCD Views’ People always have the Power correspondent laid out for us what his statement means.

“It’s more cake and eat it genius,” Oh Fcuk Me advised.

“We all know now, based on the experience of the 23rd June 2016, that a referendum is only advisory and parliament in its wisdom will do what is best for the people after sober and informed consideration.

It certainly wouldn’t follow an agenda of economic suicide designed to turn the whole country into a tax haven for the benefit of about 0.1% of the population sold to it by men who were happy to mimic Nazi propaganda during a pivotal period in the country’s history.”

Good news indeed.

For just a moment we were worried that if the final deal agreed with the EU was fantastic, as expected by everyone now, but parliament rejected it, then the government of the day would feel duty bound to carry on in adherence with the vote regardless.

We know that means diving off a cliff without a parachute, or a bouncy castle inflated upon the rocks below, and the missing bouncy castle turning into a canoe without a paddle on a river of fresh sh*t, well, who’d do that?! You’d have to be crazy!

LCD Views is convinced to our narrow that David Davis and Theresa May will get the best deal possible for the people of the United Kingdom.

Personally, having never been to an island tax haven I look forward to parliament in its wisdom giving me the chance to laze under palm trees with the sun beating down while I wait for the queue for the food bank to thin with my sovereignty in my lap.

“Davis is the ultimate have a go hero,” Oh Fcuk Me added, “only this time he’s taking on reality. And that takes some self belief.”

Ali G under house arrest in Brussels while EU leaders visit Downing St to check if British PM is real

LCD Views has received disturbing rumours from our entertainment correspondent in Brussels this afternoon suggesting the inventor of Ali G and other comic characters has been placed under house arrest while EU business leaders visit with Ms May to determine if she is real.

“We are serious people,” a representative for the twelve business leaders visiting the UK purportedly said.

“It has been suspected for some time that the United Kingdom is currently being run by an improvisation acting group. We aim to find out if this is so once and for all. Remember, the lives of millions are affected by the UK government’s actions, whether they realise it or not.”

Confirmation that Theresa May, and other key government ministers, are actually actors would make sense of a lot that has gone on across the channel from the mainland for the last eighteen months.

“We thought further,” the representative advised, “if Ms May is now being played by a comedian, who is the most likely to pull it off? Why, Mr Baron Cohen of course.”

To this end it is believed a court order was sought, granted and enforced during the night to take the famous inventor of crazed characters into custody until the delegation of twelve had actually met the person currently pretending to be British prime minister.

“It seems they are two different people,” the spokesman later added, “although special effects are so advanced these days, it could be the representatives actually met with a simulation being broadcast. So we are going to have to keep Mr Cohen for a little bit longer to be certain.”

Apparently the meeting didn’t settle the issue because Ms May, or whoever is currently playing her, sat through the entire meeting repeating endlessly, “the best deal for Britain”, while across a table from twelve people already enjoying the best deal possible and puzzled as to what on Earth she thought she could achieve.

“It is probably, and perhaps more worryingly, true that Ms May is a real person. Mr Cohen is very funny. What we are seeing now with the United Kingdom is more like a stage adaptation of ‘The Shining’.”

How long can Starmer be kept champing at the bit without getting mouth ulcers?

LCD Views has received a copy of a copy of a receipt for specialist political veterinary services this morning that suggest one of Labour’s political thoroughbreds maybe undergoing treatment for mouth ulcers after champing at the bit for months.

The receipt gives little information but allows a lot of room for interpretation.

“Name : King Starmer Stud : Labour Condition : Mouth ulcers Treatment : Freedom of speech Prognosis : Time will heal once he’s given his head”

We spoke to a specialist in the field to see if they could glean anymore.

“It’s a pretty common condition for individuals in both the major parties currently. The smaller studs don’t seem to be afflicted, but both the Labour and Conservative stables have dozens of cases. BBC programmes are where you see the problem most acutely.”

It’s believed common brand name salve treatments of saying, ‘any day now’, ‘just be patient’ and ‘let the politics play out’ alleviate the symptoms of champing.

“The only proper cure is to let him have his head. He’s built for races like the Brexit Grand National, but with the organisers constantly changing how many furlongs are in the actual race, it’s problematic for the owners of the stud to know when to just let him run.”

It’s believed the length of the course is likely to be clarified shortly, with many of the major sponsors threatening to begin pulling out within weeks if a decision isn’t made.

“They like to keep his profile up for the punters. You hear and see footage of his trials and you can see he’s just straining to break out and run and jump.”

Stud price is likely to rise significantly with a few more wins under his belt.

“He could win the Grand National, or GE one day, although there’s plenty of other contenders. I’d just let him go for it and see what he can do.”

LCD Views advises they loosen the bit and let this stallion run. He’ll probably make it over the highest jumps. Keep him held back for too long though and he might crash into a watery ditch with the rest of the runners.

Man who tied himself to railway tracks convinced engine steaming down line has more to lose

A man who has tied himself to some railway tracks in a leafy part of little England is sure the locomotive steaming down the line towards him has more to lose when it hits.

“There’s nothing you can say that will convince me a man can’t stop a locomotive in its tracks if he just believes in himself,” Mr Barry Welleave told LCD Views Karma correspondent.

“I wanted my best mate to join me, but all he’s done since I made my decision is moan and undermine me so I’ve unfriended him down the pub. Sod him. It’ll be easier to stop this train if he put his shoulder in behind me though. I told him we just have to believe in ourselves. He told me some facts in return. What use are they?”

The train itself, catchily titled ‘Fate’ has been running along the same lines for many years and there’s no sign that the driver has noticed just how stubbornly Mr Welleave has roped himself down.

“I could probably wriggle out in time if I tried, but that would be a bit embarrassing, so I reckon on staying put and seeing this out now.”

The tracks are starting to vibrate rather heavily and our correspondent is now trying to undo the ropes.

“Leave off mate. You can’t tell me what to do!”

A suggestion that being turned to mince by the approaching iron giant will leave lasting consequences was similarly rejected.

“Moan. Moan. Moan. Are you the moanatour? Sure it may hurt a little initially, but I’ll be right just as soon as I superglue myself back together.”