Category: Brexit

An opinion poll, based on a sample of 65m UK citizens, has revealed that the only person in the country who still believes in Brexit is Theresa May herself.

The poll was conducted via social media, principally Twitter. Everyone in the country was given the opportunity to vote, using the YouTwit app. Cheaper, and therefore better, than a referendum, the result was unexpected.

In the end, 65m people responded. “That means everyone voted,” claims completely and absolutely unbiased pollster Holden Hands. “The only response in favour of Brexit was electronically traced to a bunker under 10 Downing Street, and came from a mobile phone belonging to the Prime Minister.”

This comes in the wake of erstwhile Brexit Secretary, Dominic “Raabit in the headlights” Raab, declaring that the UK would be better off in the EU. Here is the real Brexit Dividend. There is more rejoicing in Britain over one Brexiter who repents than 99 who were always Remainers.

Brexiters are now falling faster than autumn leavers. The bare bones of Brexit are exposed to the harsh winds of reality, leaving a mouldy mess of rotting leavers on the streets.

“We must deliver on the result of the referendum,” said May mechanically, for the millionth time today, convincing nobody but herself. As platitude followed platitude, seasoned with a series of lame, tired slogans, it became clear May was going through the motions. Much like a walker trampling through fallen leaves concealing nuggets of dog poo.

The only ray of hope came from the Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn. A man who has sat on the fence for so long that the splinters have become permanently incorporated into his buttocks, he refused to either praise or condemn May. “We must deliver on the result of the referendum,” he read from a pamphlet entitled The Collected Speech Of Theresa May. “But her deal fails our six tests, so I don’t really know any more. Sorry.”

Everyone knows Brexit is an abject failure now. Only one issue remains. Who the hell’s going to tell Theresa?

SACRE BLUR : LCD Views can report today on a completely ignored clause in Theresa Mayhem’s draft Withdrawal Agreement with the fishing superpower the EU. The fishy agreement came into force already, being legally non-dependent on the WA being passed, and having been overlooked by Boris Johnson’s non-government.

“While all the usual pundits and rent-a-gobs were banging on about automanufacturing and the much salivated end of FOM for U.K. nationals to 27 countries, and 500M suckers to one country, no one has paid much attention to Clause 101.B-666A3, paragraph 97.1, which deals with the reciprocal legal rights and obligations governing nomadic, nation state wildlife,” Professor A Lawyer said, “and this is a win for the ultra-nationalists currently governing the U.K. Be in no doubt.”

For it seems within the scandalously ignored clause is detail as to how British fish, caught by Frenchmen, are to be extradited back to mainland U.K. and tried for treason.

”All British fish are fully aware that while they may swim into waters once controlled by Britannia, in the time of our control by the Normans, they must return to British waters to be caught. To be caught by a foreign net is essentially treason. The U.K. is pulling out of the joint extradition treaty with the EU, so they have to keep any of our OAP criminals on the Costa del Sol, but an exception has been made specifically for fish.”

The exception itself was a chief demand of the Prime Minister.

”From the 30th March 2019 any proper British fish caught by a Frenchman will be extradited to face justice at home.”

Trials will be held in the Old Bailey and should take less than a week to conduct.

”Capital punishment will be the sentence for all British fish guilty of treason.”

But how will the fish survive out of water to stand in the dock?

”They’ll just have to hold their breath after Brexit,” our legal eagle shrugged, “just like the rest of us.”

The renewed swathe of resignations from government over Brexit is kicking off again, with Dominic Raab’s quitting his job as Brexit secretary prompting many people to ask if a Brexit deal that will actually work is even possible.

Well, the answer is there, according to experts – albeit not political experts but archaeologists. One Dr Henry Jones Jr had this to say on the matter:

“The Brexit deal is something I’ve come across mentioned in many ancient historical documents. Artefacts that date back to biblical times say it was placed in the Ark of the Covenant along with the Ten Commandments.”

So if we could get our hands on that, then we’d have a fighting chance of making Brexit work? Not according to Dr Jones.

“I actually did find it on my travels, but was beaten to the punch by a bunch of Nazis, and as it turns out I’m glad I was, because when I saw what happened to them all I’m glad. It turned out anyone who looked inside the Ark died horribly.”

Does that mean we now know where the Ark is?

Dr Jones’ colleague, one Professor Marcus Brody, picked up the story:

“The US Government took the Ark away a few years back and sealed it up in storage. It’s going to be rather difficult for anyone to get their hands on it, especially at present times.”

That’s a pity. For a moment it looked like the Ark of the Covenent might be the solution to all our problems, our Holy Grail if you like.

At this Dr Jones shuddered and said, “don’t mention that to me – I found that the following year and you wouldn’t believe the hoops I had to jump through to get my hands on it. And just as we were leaving the temple there was an earthquake and the Grail was lost forever when it fell into a chasm. Even my father said it was time to let it go, and he’d devoted his whole life to finding it. Besides, after seeing what that thing was capable of, I’m not sure I’d want to find it again.”

So in other words we’re no closer to solving the mystery that is making Brexit work. I asked Dr Jones if he knew of any other historical artefacts that might help, and he said he’d let me know, but he was not optimistic.

The search continues.

A state of emergency has been declared in the corridors of power and the Palace of Westminster evacuated after so many Brexit MPs lost their shit so seriously the HoC sewers overflowed.

Even as we go to print emergency crews are deciding whether or not it’s worth donning biohazard suits and attempting to rescue the gaggle of confused BBC journalists who haven’t known wtf is going on since Cameron successfully riddled the BBC with Tory placemen, put up by secretly funded rightwing thinktanks to sow the seeds for a fascist takeover of the U.K.

As to the Brexit MPs themselves, they’re voiding all their bowels and then scarpering away from the devastation lest they inadvertently have to take responsibility for their own political project.

”Dominic Raab was second to run,” our correspondent reports, “trousers around his ankles and in a state best described as scatological and infantile. To see him leap over security cordons with his Y fronts tangled about his knees was impressive to say the least. But with a turd the size of Mount Doom at his back, he had the motivation to scarper.”

Raab was second of many, after the first resignation this morning of a Tory MP no one has ever heard of, who was put up to start the mass shitathon with the promise of being made Chancellor once Jacob Rees-mogg becomes PM at lunchtime.

”McVey was third. She was seen desperately trying to drag Mourdant down a corridor just brimming with loose stools, before giving her up and demanding a team of malnourished children be assembled to carry her to safety.”

The Victorian sewers under the old palace have coped with nearly two centuries of mental shit from Britain’s political class, but a mass voiding of Brexiters, faced with the near fulfillment of their own crap, has proven too much.

”It’s certain to be a tsunami of crap that threatens not only the capital, but England itself. We can only surmise that whoever is in charge of assembling the portaloos along the M4 should have been looking at College Green for placements instead.”

More on this as the Brexiters void their bowels and the political system struggles to flush away the mountain of Brexshit.

A woman has called today for support from her family in trading in their car, a new Porsche, for a damaged Reliant Robin, in spite of the Porsche still having an outstanding loan owing on it.

”The Porsche gets updated every year,” a confidant of the woman told us, “some contract or whatever. It’s a total pain to have to keep learning how a modern car operates. Handbrakes becoming switches. Seats warmed not by your butt but the car. I don’t know. Keys that aren’t keys. They’re like buttons or something. Too much acceleration. Too many functions to keep track of when all you want is to get from A to B, preferably by way of the rest of the alphabet, so the family spends a LOT of quality time together.”

So the solution is to get a car so outdated, everyone in the family can understand how it works, even if it doesn’t do much and is liable to fall apart?

”Yes, the younger members hate the idea, but what do they know. They like the Porsche. They don’t want the Reliant Robin. Little bit lacking in patriotic fervour the kids. Had it too good. Not grown up with enough communicable disease issues. Too much food. They’re too soft! They just expect to be able to move and live and work and drive around an entire continent, just like that. Well, that Reliant will sort that. State of it. Ha!”

So the woman is likely to succeed in convincing her family to trade down and trade down heavily?

”She will if she can get the kids’ adopted grandfather to weigh in on her side.”

Is he likely to?

”Yes. He wants the kids stuck at home helping him work his allotment.”

A role playing fantasist, made famous by the BBC reality TV series BBCQT, has sought to get back into the limelight today by announcing to the collection of Russian bots, FBI investigators and true born British idiots who follow him on social media that he is to undergo a re-birthing ceremony in the hope of changing his nationality.

”It’s perfectly simple,” he posted online during one of his marathon posting sessions nicknamed ‘Inner thoughts of fascist leaning hypocrite’,

“if I’m to have any hope of keeping up with my two children, who I have already secured EU27 FOM for, by way of German passports, I’m going to need a German passport myself. I’ve tried to get one as an Englishman, but the bigots in Berlin wouldn’t give me one, even though I can claim to have successfully copulated twice with a German woman.”

In order to break the impasse with the unreasonable German authorities, the man has come up with a novel idea.

”I want to continue to be able to sit in the EU parliament as an MEP after Brexit. I really doubt I’ll get my redundancy payoff after the U.K. leaves as the officious bean counters in Brussels keep docking my pay for minor accounting irregularities, the kind of little errors anyone could innocently make, so I’ll need to change my nationality to keep getting paid for not doing a job I’ve repeatedly been elected to do.”

And the novel idea?

”It’s really very straightforward,” the man explained, “I’m going all 70’s hippy and having a re-birthing ceremony. And I’m doing it in Berlin. That way the day after I do it I can have a new German passport with my birthdate listed as yesterday.”

Which coincidentally is the birth date of anyone who believes a word he says.

The sensational statement is the latest variation on Theresa May’s  catchphrase “No deal is better than a bad deal”. The latest version has caught opponents off guard.

“Nobody thought they could be that stupid,” remarked Remainer Bergen DiPassport. “No Deal means cutting all ties, throwing the country on the scrapheap. It’s like cutting out your heart because you don’t like it being controlled by the brain.”

Nevertheless, it seems to be the truth. “The referendum result was 100% decisive,” claimed David Lidlington on Radio 4FS. “In the same way, nothing is agreed until everything is agreed, which means 95%. The people have made that decision, and we are damned if we are going to give them a chance to decide anything else ever again!”

“But you are, or were, a Remainer,” insisted interviewer Rick Nobinson weakly. “Why did you go all Brexity?”

“It’s the will of the people, Nobby,” Lidlington replied. “The people being, in this case, the rest of the Cabinet, who are hanging on as long as possible before dramatically quitting, retiring to France and leaving those left behind to tidy up the mess.”

In other words, I’m alright Jack. So long and thanks for all the votes.

It’s such a mess. The BBC has reporters who admit that they simply have no idea. Politicians of all shades persist in backing the Brexit line because they fear the backlash from Leavers more than that from Remainers. The entire Johnson family is allegedly so conflicted that they are threatening to vote Labour. Shitshow means shitshow.

In this febrile atmosphere, it would only take one feisty person armed with a sharp pin to prick the Brexit bubble. Unfortunately, pins have been banned on Health & Safety grounds.

Perhaps there is a glimmer of hope after all. Perhaps we have all read it wrong. After all, there is no deal better than the deal we have right now.

“I hadn’t quite understood the results of blowing your feet off with a shotgun,” Dominic Raab told a rapt audience last night, “But I still insist the UK blow its feet off with a shotgun, because of the significant savings to be had on socks and shoes.”

The insistence on the chosen course, in spite of new discoveries (that very many people already knew) is certain to bolster the UK’s negotiating hand with the tyrannical EU.

”They know we mean business,” Raab continued, “who wants to mess with someone so determined they’re prepared to chop off their negotiating hand with a meat cleaver? Barnier dresses well. He’ll be terrified of the potential dry cleaning bill should any of our blood splatter get on his suit. Right now he’s begging Chancellor Markle to demand she uses her family connections to have Prince Harry accept the EU’s surrender.”

Of this Raab looked certain. He was a little more contrite during the closing stages of his address though, when he revealed some recent discoveries to the audience, expecting them to be just as surprised as he was.

”Bears shit in the woods. Did you know that? Not many people know that. The Pope IS catholic. The sun also rises. Oh, and most shocking of all, the U.K. is an island! Pretty much floored me that, when I realised it.”

He went on for some time after, explaining the possibilities for booming trade with the rest of the world, after Brexit, just as soon as we discover if the rest of the world is also an island, or not.

The speech concluded he stepped triumphantly from the lectern and caught a glimpse of his own reflection in a mirrored surface.

That was when it happened.

”Who the hell are you?” Raab demanded of the thuggish looking stranger in the mirror.

When the aggressively stupid interloper just mimicked him, Raab threw the first punch, both of them at once.

Doctors report he is expected to recover, after hand surgery, he’ll still be a wanker, and happily there was no facial damage, because his head was wedged securely in his arse.

Fake knews broadcaster C4 is to be charged with the knew crime of “betraying the will off the people” after deliberately revealing the will of the people live on a little C4 chat show last night.

”Of course it doesn’t matter what the people now think,” Barry Gardiner MP, UKIP, told LCD Views, “the people decided what their will was a few years back and it doesn’t matter if their will has dramatically altered because we’re determined to assist Theresa May’s (MP – UKIP) government implement the will of the people from when it was fixed in stone by a thunderbolt from God.”

The shock revelation of the change in attitude of the people of the U.K. doesn’t matter because it wasn’t assessed in the right way.

”Was there mass data crime in the latest Survation poll of 20,000 people? Well above the 5,000 required for scientific rigour? Was there undue foreign influence? Was there millions funnelled into the campaign from shadowy overseas backers determined to see the break up of the EU for their own kleptoimperialist motives?”

Apparrently not, it was a poll conducted in the Standard manner without the above.

”Then it doesn’t count. Not that campaigns influence people’s decisions anyway. Just ask my boss John McDonnell (MP – UKIP) or our trumpeter Owen Jones (MP – UKIP). Crime should pay. Especially if you’re fantasising about taking government with Henry VIIi powers in the midst of economic calamity and want to bring everything conceivable under total state control. For the many you understand. C4 shouldn’t be standing in the way of the people by revealing what they think based on several yearsnew evidence.”

And Mr Gardiner (MP – UKIP) wasn’t alone in his frank assessment of C4’s betrayal of the people.

”I’m changing the law today, with Henry VIII powers,” David Gauke (MP – UKIP) phoned in especially to tell us, “it was nice of parliament to vote through the EU Withdrawal Bill and make itself irrelevant. Slackers. Ha!”

But betraying the will of the people by revealing the will of the people becoming criminalised isn’t the only change coming in immediately, thanks to Henry VIII powers.

”We’ll also probably be making mass, secretive foreign donations to U.K. political campaigns entirely legal,” the minister (UKIP) clarified, “that way people who buy influence in our once great democratic institutions can be sure of getting what they wanted. Oh, and the change will be retrospective, just in case any of my colleagues find themselves in the shit as little Banksi gets hung out to dry.”