Patterson and Fox in furious row over who cuts the ribbon at first British unicorn farm opening

LCD’s Westminster mole reports this afternoon that a furious row has broken out between Owen Patterson and Liam Fox over who gets to cut the ribbon at the opening ceremony of the first British unicorn farm upon Brexit.

“Owen believes it should be him,” A Mole said, “as he’s sure he’s going to be able to personally arrange gigantic export deals to China of prime quality unicorn prestige British T-bone steak.”

But Fox is said to be livid at Patterson stepping on his FTA toes and gone after him while holding a cup of jelly beans in the Commons lunch room.

“I hear it became pretty ugly. Liam threw the purple jelly beans first because they’re not his favourite colour. Then the greens. Owen picked up a folding chair and looked like he was going to throw it but it folded up and caught his pinky finger.”

It was at this point that the new Tory chief whip intervened to stop the spectacle before Tom Watson could write about it on Facebook.

“They’ve both been given detention this afternoon. Everyone is sure they’ll fight again in the room and MPs are desperately trying to get into trouble so they can be in the room to watch the action.”

It’s not thought the dispute will be settled easily.

Liam is the best deal maker the U.K. has ever produced, but Owen will claim we’re only going to be able to grow real unicorns in the first place because of his GMO work with goats at home in his shed all these years when everyone said he was crazy.

“At least the farmer in Cornwall who’s been chosen to grow the unicorns to harvest will be happy whatever happens,” A. Mole added, “as unicorns pretty much grow and harvest themselves by magic.”

Plan to rename Foreign Office as British Office doesn’t go back in time far enough say critics of foreign secretary

Jeremy Corbyn faced criticism yesterday for failing to ask any Brexit related questions at PMQ’s today, specifically in relation to rumours that Boris Johnson intends to change the name of the Foreign Office to the British Office at the stroke of Brexit, in order to keep his party’s tenuous grip on its UKIP voters.

“I was astounded,” a leading political journalist who occasionally writes for LCD Views commented, “Mr Johnson’s plans are a huge truth bomb and give the lie to the claim by Brexiter’s that they love everyone, regardless of where they were born. It should have been tackled at PMQ’s.”

Although other Westminster bubble dwellers have suggested wryly that it’s not like Ms May would be aware of Mr Johnson’s future plans.

It is of course quite likely that all of Mr Johnson’s future plans are improvised daily, like all leading proponents of Brexit, and just aimed at a fuzzy feeling in the distance.

Educated commentators on social media seemed to approve. As soon as the rumour made headway on Twitter, it leapt to Facebook and thousands of users with Saint George flags in their profiles began shouting that it’s a British office so it should have Britain in its name. It’s only logical.

“It does make sense in a way,” our colleague smiled, “as we’ll only be talking to ourselves after March 2019 anyway, so why not change the name of the office of state to reflect the new paradigm.”

LCD Views robustly supports any tokenism playing to nationalists, although we raise concerns that the words Britain, Briton and Britishness maybe obsolete pretty soon after we make a success of Brexit.

It will probably be wise to get ahead of the curve and rename the office the English Office, or perhaps the Kingdom of Wessex Office? It depends how far back we go in the time machine of State.

IT experts shocked to discover each Russian online “bot” has five smaller fake profiles inside

Great strides were taken towards stopping the corrosive impact of Russian “bots” on social media platforms today with the discovery that each fake profile has a minimum of five smaller fake profiles inside.

“It’s ingenious,” LCD’s IT whiz, Dr Whiz, commented, “and it goes a great way towards explaining how groups such as Activate and Moggmentum appear to have a bizarrely high number of members online.”

Bizarre in this context means a number greater than zero.

“We’ve known for a while that all the Nigel Farages are grown in a computer bot farm in the Kremlin, but to discover Activate’s six members on Facebook are all one fake profile neatly packed with another five smaller ones makes the puzzle easier to solve.”

It’s believed the clever design, which is believed to take inspiration from the traditional Russian dolls given as gifts and found in many living rooms around the west, explains why there were so many curiously ignorant people arguing that Brexit would lead to a land full of golden unicorns online during and after the EUref.

“The trick is to block them as soon as they attempt to engage with you. Once you talk to a bot it unpacks itself and you suddenly find half a dozen profiles who have not even a rudimentary understanding of the EU shouting they’ve won.”

The irritant is not yet solved, Dr Whiz warns.

“It’s easy enough to spot the latest generation of them on social media platforms these days. They invariably begin any statement with the unbelievable phrase, ‘although I voted remain in the referendum’, before talking barely comprehensible bollocks.

And it’s a good thing the PM has told Putin she’s onto him now too. Not that it matters, as Brexit still seems to mean Brexit..”

Voters travelling to beaches to stick their head in Brexit sands advised to check tide tables

Health and safety watchdogs have issued a public safety directive this evening that any voters travelling to English beaches to stick their head in the Brexit sands should first check tide tables to reduce the risk of drowning.

“As the economic data worsens and reports come in of NHS and farming staff shortages, Brexit voters are increasingly taking the wise decision to stick their head in the sand,” Mr C Aps’ said.

“As a responsible government authority we request they first check the relevant tide tables so they do not drown as the tide rises about them while they are taking shelter from any information that runs contrary to the decision they have invested so much emotion into.”

There are four tides a day, two high and two low, so while it isn’t possible to go full ostrich on the beach the entire time, sufficient periods of ignorance are achievable with a little care.

LCD Views will be assisting voters who maybe unable to travel to a beach by shortly retailing Brexit Bucket and Sand Kits from our online shop, just as soon as we can secure a British sand supplier that supplies sand in red, white and blue patterns.

The buckets will be incredibly flammable should any new economic forecast come into contact with them, so further care is encouraged.

In the interim we encourage our millions of readers to just imagine they are already on the beach experiencing the cold comfort of digging a hole while the water is out and stick your head inside.

While inside be sure to repeat, I won, get over it and if preferable say it in caps.

Stay safe on Brexit sands and remember as you dig, every hole you dig is a hole dug for Britain.

Davis tells Parliament you can have a vote but it’s only advisory

David Davis reassured the Commons today in an earth shattering concession that the representatives of the people can now vote on the final Brexit deal, but it is only advisory.

LCD Views’ People always have the Power correspondent laid out for us what his statement means.

“It’s more cake and eat it genius,” Oh Fcuk Me advised.

“We all know now, based on the experience of the 23rd June 2016, that a referendum is only advisory and parliament in its wisdom will do what is best for the people after sober and informed consideration.

It certainly wouldn’t follow an agenda of economic suicide designed to turn the whole country into a tax haven for the benefit of about 0.1% of the population sold to it by men who were happy to mimic Nazi propaganda during a pivotal period in the country’s history.”

Good news indeed.

For just a moment we were worried that if the final deal agreed with the EU was fantastic, as expected by everyone now, but parliament rejected it, then the government of the day would feel duty bound to carry on in adherence with the vote regardless.

We know that means diving off a cliff without a parachute, or a bouncy castle inflated upon the rocks below, and the missing bouncy castle turning into a canoe without a paddle on a river of fresh sh*t, well, who’d do that?! You’d have to be crazy!

LCD Views is convinced to our narrow that David Davis and Theresa May will get the best deal possible for the people of the United Kingdom.

Personally, having never been to an island tax haven I look forward to parliament in its wisdom giving me the chance to laze under palm trees with the sun beating down while I wait for the queue for the food bank to thin with my sovereignty in my lap.

“Davis is the ultimate have a go hero,” Oh Fcuk Me added, “only this time he’s taking on reality. And that takes some self belief.”

Ali G under house arrest in Brussels while EU leaders visit Downing St to check if British PM is real

LCD Views has received disturbing rumours from our entertainment correspondent in Brussels this afternoon suggesting the inventor of Ali G and other comic characters has been placed under house arrest while EU business leaders visit with Ms May to determine if she is real.

“We are serious people,” a representative for the twelve business leaders visiting the UK purportedly said.

“It has been suspected for some time that the United Kingdom is currently being run by an improvisation acting group. We aim to find out if this is so once and for all. Remember, the lives of millions are affected by the UK government’s actions, whether they realise it or not.”

Confirmation that Theresa May, and other key government ministers, are actually actors would make sense of a lot that has gone on across the channel from the mainland for the last eighteen months.

“We thought further,” the representative advised, “if Ms May is now being played by a comedian, who is the most likely to pull it off? Why, Mr Baron Cohen of course.”

To this end it is believed a court order was sought, granted and enforced during the night to take the famous inventor of crazed characters into custody until the delegation of twelve had actually met the person currently pretending to be British prime minister.

“It seems they are two different people,” the spokesman later added, “although special effects are so advanced these days, it could be the representatives actually met with a simulation being broadcast. So we are going to have to keep Mr Cohen for a little bit longer to be certain.”

Apparently the meeting didn’t settle the issue because Ms May, or whoever is currently playing her, sat through the entire meeting repeating endlessly, “the best deal for Britain”, while across a table from twelve people already enjoying the best deal possible and puzzled as to what on Earth she thought she could achieve.

“It is probably, and perhaps more worryingly, true that Ms May is a real person. Mr Cohen is very funny. What we are seeing now with the United Kingdom is more like a stage adaptation of ‘The Shining’.”

How long can Starmer be kept champing at the bit without getting mouth ulcers?

LCD Views has received a copy of a copy of a receipt for specialist political veterinary services this morning that suggest one of Labour’s political thoroughbreds maybe undergoing treatment for mouth ulcers after champing at the bit for months.

The receipt gives little information but allows a lot of room for interpretation.

“Name : King Starmer Stud : Labour Condition : Mouth ulcers Treatment : Freedom of speech Prognosis : Time will heal once he’s given his head”

We spoke to a specialist in the field to see if they could glean anymore.

“It’s a pretty common condition for individuals in both the major parties currently. The smaller studs don’t seem to be afflicted, but both the Labour and Conservative stables have dozens of cases. BBC programmes are where you see the problem most acutely.”

It’s believed common brand name salve treatments of saying, ‘any day now’, ‘just be patient’ and ‘let the politics play out’ alleviate the symptoms of champing.

“The only proper cure is to let him have his head. He’s built for races like the Brexit Grand National, but with the organisers constantly changing how many furlongs are in the actual race, it’s problematic for the owners of the stud to know when to just let him run.”

It’s believed the length of the course is likely to be clarified shortly, with many of the major sponsors threatening to begin pulling out within weeks if a decision isn’t made.

“They like to keep his profile up for the punters. You hear and see footage of his trials and you can see he’s just straining to break out and run and jump.”

Stud price is likely to rise significantly with a few more wins under his belt.

“He could win the Grand National, or GE one day, although there’s plenty of other contenders. I’d just let him go for it and see what he can do.”

LCD Views advises they loosen the bit and let this stallion run. He’ll probably make it over the highest jumps. Keep him held back for too long though and he might crash into a watery ditch with the rest of the runners.

Man who tied himself to railway tracks convinced engine steaming down line has more to lose

A man who has tied himself to some railway tracks in a leafy part of little England is sure the locomotive steaming down the line towards him has more to lose when it hits.

“There’s nothing you can say that will convince me a man can’t stop a locomotive in its tracks if he just believes in himself,” Mr Barry Welleave told LCD Views Karma correspondent.

“I wanted my best mate to join me, but all he’s done since I made my decision is moan and undermine me so I’ve unfriended him down the pub. Sod him. It’ll be easier to stop this train if he put his shoulder in behind me though. I told him we just have to believe in ourselves. He told me some facts in return. What use are they?”

The train itself, catchily titled ‘Fate’ has been running along the same lines for many years and there’s no sign that the driver has noticed just how stubbornly Mr Welleave has roped himself down.

“I could probably wriggle out in time if I tried, but that would be a bit embarrassing, so I reckon on staying put and seeing this out now.”

The tracks are starting to vibrate rather heavily and our correspondent is now trying to undo the ropes.

“Leave off mate. You can’t tell me what to do!”

A suggestion that being turned to mince by the approaching iron giant will leave lasting consequences was similarly rejected.

“Moan. Moan. Moan. Are you the moanatour? Sure it may hurt a little initially, but I’ll be right just as soon as I superglue myself back together.”

David Davis puts job on the line by opening his mouth again

David Davis, Secretary of State for Perpetual Confusion (and Brexit), has put his job on the line this afternoon by opening his mouth again.

The gaffe happened after the latest round of EU/Brexit negotiatons with Barnier.

Barrier is a man not many people in the UK know much about, and you’re not going to learn much about him here, as we’re too busy gawping in bemused horror at Davis. A man who is designing the UK’s future with an hourglass that’s running out fast.

“The government [UK] will not accept any constitutional and economic risk to the country,” Mr Davis stated this afternoon.

This could cost him his job.

For the first time a government minister responsible for Brexit has decided to break ranks and describe it honestly, presumably because he’s worked out what it is at last.

It will not go down well in Downing Street.

Ms May is rumoured to have ordered anyone who works out what Brexit is to come and tell her first.

“He’s a complete idiot!” An aide to the PM told LCD Views. “May is livid. Now everyone knows what Brexit is before her.”

The only thing that might save Davis is May’s unwillingness to lose all her cabinet ministers in the space of a week.

Although if he is given the chance to “resign” over the gaffe, Davis can spend more time studying a big chart of the human body.

This will enable him to finally master the names of two vital body parts that have puzzled him for decades. Just maybe he’ll be able to tell the difference between his elbow and the other thing.

Given he has been set a test date of a little under two weeks away to prove he knows which is which, he best hit the books and hit them hard. If the course books exist of course, that’s doubtful too!

Boris Johnson to swim by Grimsby and reassure fishermen they can have their fish and eat them too

LCD Views has received exhilarating news this evening that Boris Johnson is to swim by Grimsby to reassure fishermen they can have their fish and eat them too.

Mr Johnson phoned LCD Views from his American working holiday to outline how he’s going to save the fishing fleets of Grimsby now they are realising Brexit is going to leave them up a creek without a paddle.

“I’d like the good, hard working, soul of Grimsby to know that I think Donald Trump is a wonder, a star, a blazing Orion and I will be laying the groundwork for a post Brexit Free Fish Trade Deal with the USA just as soon as I finish promising British layabouts will be airlifted to America to shine his gold lift while talking in Dick Van Dyke accents.”

Mr Johnson went on to make it clear that the fish being exported to America will be free and Grimsby will receive a lot of positive tweets in return that can only encourage their tourist industry.

“To help. To show. To feel my love. I will be swimming by Grimsby just as soon as I return from the mighty giant across the pond, where I’m looking for a future after Brexit crashes, and I’ll put on my trunks and swim by Grimsby fishing boats and wave desperately in Union Jack bathing shorts shouting for salvation.

You can have your fish Grimsby and you can eat them too. I’ll write it on a bloody bus if I have to! It maybe grim up north, but it will be worth it with me pushing your children into the sea for you and getting away scot free.”