LCD’s Westminster mole reports this afternoon that a furious row has broken out between Owen Patterson and Liam Fox over who gets to cut the ribbon at the opening ceremony of the first British unicorn farm upon Brexit.
“Owen believes it should be him,” A Mole said, “as he’s sure he’s going to be able to personally arrange gigantic export deals to China of prime quality unicorn prestige British T-bone steak.”
But Fox is said to be livid at Patterson stepping on his FTA toes and gone after him while holding a cup of jelly beans in the Commons lunch room.
“I hear it became pretty ugly. Liam threw the purple jelly beans first because they’re not his favourite colour. Then the greens. Owen picked up a folding chair and looked like he was going to throw it but it folded up and caught his pinky finger.”
It was at this point that the new Tory chief whip intervened to stop the spectacle before Tom Watson could write about it on Facebook.
“They’ve both been given detention this afternoon. Everyone is sure they’ll fight again in the room and MPs are desperately trying to get into trouble so they can be in the room to watch the action.”
It’s not thought the dispute will be settled easily.
Liam is the best deal maker the U.K. has ever produced, but Owen will claim we’re only going to be able to grow real unicorns in the first place because of his GMO work with goats at home in his shed all these years when everyone said he was crazy.
“At least the farmer in Cornwall who’s been chosen to grow the unicorns to harvest will be happy whatever happens,” A. Mole added, “as unicorns pretty much grow and harvest themselves by magic.”