Category: Brexit

“Total humiliation is just our opening negotiating position,” Theresa May is to tell a jubilant U.K. this afternoon, after her barnstorming impact on the collected leaders of the EU27 in Salzburg yesterday.

“No prime minister of the modern United Kingdom, that roared into life like a creation of Doctor Frankenstein on the 23rd June 2016, is going to forced to face reality, no matter how mean those bullies in Brussels are. No matter how many air kisses Macron lays around me.”

The tough talk will be welcomed by a nation that waits anxious that reality may at some point force its way into U.K. government Brexit strategy.

”No deal is better than a no deal,” May will add, “why it was preferable for currency traders to have a transition period of madly fluctuating Sterling, and for all our major employers to have time to relocate across the channel in good order, I am not playing to the tune of anyone but about half a dozen billionaires who have taken short pound positions for late March next year.”

And to back up her tough talk she’s going to continue as is.

”Even now the best medical minds in the NHS, working alongside Harley Street, are attempting to revive Chequers. My personal monster, cobbled together from still born ideas and old cables, will rise to face Brussels again.”

She will then hold up a photo of Chequers, before finishing,

”No deal is better than no deal and I aim to make a success of it. A humiliation that will overshadow the imperial success of Chequers for generations to come.”

Total humiliation has been our negotiating position for over two years now and let’s make a success of it! Get behind May and push! Everyone! All together! Now!

High flying Minister of State for selling U.K. assets abroad, Little Liam Fox, has shot out of the post Brexit bolt hole today with a display of what we can expect for Global Britain.

”It was nice for parliament to make itself irrelevant,” Parliament watcher, Mr What-The Fcuk, told LCD Views, “I mean, what responsible, directly elected representative body wouldn’t make itself just a giant rubber stamp and give a bunch of immoral, neocon asset strippers, masquerading as MPs, carte blanche to do what they want with important laws?”

And do what they want with important laws protecting public safety and rights they will.

”Liam is a sign post for other MPs to follow,” aide to Liam, Mr Verily Werrity told us next, “by using the powers laughably handed over in that farce of a parliament discussion over the EU Withdrawal Bill, Liam is now able to launch his own meat brand ‘Fox Steaks – for fox sakes!’, using real fox meat gathered by zero hours workers set the task of picking up roadkill off motorways.”

Previously such meat would have been classed as only consumable by crunchies, but not now.

”No, not now! Liam and friends can do what they want after Brexit. Fox knows what will be on your plate from April next year, but it will definitely be good food because Liam will change the legislation to say it is.”

But wouldn’t it be a breach of parliamentary rules and MP’s code of conduct for Liam to profit so brazenly in the future, by way of his position?

”What rules?! Ha! No need to hide good friends behind curtains anymore. We can change those rules too! Get ready to stuff your mouth with the taste of Brexit. Liam will make it so.”

The slender seventeenth century throwback has defended his faction’s action deficit disorder. There is no forthcoming Brexit plan from the European Research Group, because that was the plan all along.

“It’s quite simple,” Mogg explained. “We cut all links to the continent, and revert to Magna Carta. Article 6, section 2, subparagraph 3.5 clearly states that ‘Anie hyborn Manne which poffeffeth in excefs of twentie-fix caracutes of land fhall bofseth the living Shitte out of anie Plebbs subfifting thereupon’.”

It’s a throwback’s throwback. Mogg predicts the return of Merrie Englande.

“Mediaeval England was a jolly fine place,” he asserts. “Colour, castles and crusades. It was a time of pageantry and conquest, and English gentlemen were honoured and respected.”

Some of Mogg’s colleagues in the ERG were less sanguine.

“In fact, none of us could agree what Brexit actually implied,” grumbled Rod Formy-Ownback, MP for Gammon-on-the-Grill. “Was it deregulation? Anti-immigration? Prejudice? Pride led to us all claiming to have always known. Entrenched in contradictory positions, it all fell apart.”

“We have spent the last forty years grumbling about the EU,” observed Gordon Bennett, MP for North-West Gobshite. “Grumbling is what we do. We snipe, moan and criticise, but never in a constructive way. We are demolition agents, not creatives!”

It has been suggested in some quarters that a catastrophic Brexit might be an opportunity for well-placed individuals to profit.

“Well, yes, that is indeed my hidden agenda,” confirms Mogg. “No need to hide it any more. I have the government in my pocket. Labour is disappearing up its own arse. All I need to do is ensure that we continue to hurtle over the cliff edge. Wait for the dust to settle, and you will discover that Lord Rees-Mogg now controls the whole of the West country.”

We can’t wait. Olde Englande, olde danger. In which we serf.

Fantastic news for people worried about rising energy bills this winter with the announcement that Our Government is to give every household its own nuclear reactor.

”It’s to celebrate British independence,” Chris Grayling, MP for Turtles-on-Fenceposts, told LCD Views, “once we are free of all those petty EU health and safety regulations we can pretty much do what we like, so what not make nuclear power personal?”

The reactors, small and potentially explosive, are modelled on a crossbreed design of the world famous Chernobyl and Fukushima reactors.

”This will ensure the lights stay on regardless of what happens after March 29th 2019. Even if it just ends up as one big, green, glowing light all over the U.K.,” Grayling explained,

“each reactor will be delivered by a zero hours worker who will be paid with food, and each kit will come with instructions for build and installation. I recommend putting them in your kitchen to impress your friends. You could even have parties to build each other’s. Encourage a sense of community. Do emergency drills and so on.”

It’s believed the motivation to make every household in the country self-powering is in part due to criticism of the plans to keep the lights bright in Northern Ireland by putting generators on barges in the Irish Sea.

”It’s also to keep people busy building them so they don’t have time to riot over food,” Grayling smiled, “and as a blatant bribe to buy support for Brexit. Bribery is pretty much the only basis going forward that U.K. democracy will function on, so let’s give every voter a personal taste.”

But what to do with all the waste? And what about civil emergency contingencies in the case of mass meltdowns?

”We’re going to dump the waste on the beaches,” Grayling explained, “you’ll be able to see the U.K. outlined from space. This will make it easier for my alien overlords to find me too, when they come to take me back to my home planet of Zaaaarg-D7. As I’m really only here to master about rail transport technology. I’ll be here a while yet.”

And in the case of mass reactor meltdowns?

”They won’t be critical.”

I suspect they will be? Or they won’t function?

”Excuse me?”

Chris Grayling, thank for your time.

“Don’t thank me yet. Wait unti you’re holding you’re first shipment of high grade Brexitanium in your hands at home.”

The man was found in a tatty chain pub, ranting at anyone prepared to listen. The viciously discounted beer had clearly gone to his head.

Brexit was the man’s theme, and beer mats were his cue cards. “This Brexit mess has made me increase my prices,” he fumed. “The solution is to leave the EU without a deal, that will bring prices right down!”

LCD Views’ Swift Half correspondent had dropped into the pub on the way home, and became enmeshed in the pub bore’s web of deceit.

“You know immigration, mate,” the man continued, as the hack paused, scenting a story. “Funny thing is, we need it. Brits suffer from brewer’s droop from drinking in my pubs all night. So the birthrate is dropping. Britain needs immigration, just not that horrid EU immigration.”

The man ordered two more pints of Nigel’s Old Saggybollocks and a packet of gammon scratchings as he warmed to his theme.

“Russians,” he belched. “That’s who we need. They can spend their nice roubles in my nice pubs and I can pay them peanuts. Nobody else will eat the bloody things!”

Swig. Belch. Over-friendly arm around shoulders.

“Between you and me,” he said in a loud stage whisper, “the further east you go, the less you need to pay them. I’ll set up a fake travel agency arranging visits to Salisbury Cathedral, and they will flock to me. What do you think of that! If you don’t like it, tough. As my mate James Dyson says, suck it up!”

Coincidentally, ‘suck it up’ is only one consonant different to the government’s official Brexit policy.

It is also a coincidence that the incoherent man flogging cheap booze in a race to the bottom is a complete arsehole.

In this world of the cheap and cheerless, you can’t beat Tim Martin Wetherspoon. Although most would prefer to beat him with a large club.

Planes were grounded at all twelve London airports today as emergency measures were taken after an Unidentifiable Pieing Object, or UPO, was seen hanging in the sky above the Palace of Westminster.

”The UPO has actually been over the Palace for a couple of years now,” our Westminster correspondent, Mrs Bubble, says,

“since the day David Cameron successfully dealt with the imperial minded, tax dodging fascists in his party by promising to call the EU referendum that occurred after mass cheating in June 2016.”

But while not a new feature, when in fact it’s standard political practice for many MPs to put little pies in the sky, this time it’s different.

”This time it’s different,” Mrs Bubble adds, unnecessarily, “it’s believed the spate of recent policy documents, or scribbled on fag packets, released by Brexit backing groups has lead to a pie so bloody huge it has begun to blot out the sun.”

That Jenkins clown saying “no one would notice” a No Deal Brexit, plus Raab blaming business for the impacts of Brexit on business, and Raab releasing more nonsense he claims is preparation for a completely unnecessary calamity he’s intent on creating, and McDonnell saying he couldn’t be arsed to fight a resurgent UKIP, but that’s okay because the hard right have clearly been beaten into retreat across the U.K. political landscape by having Con and Lab adopt one of their key agendas, all this has,

”birthed a monstrous floating nonstrosity that is anything but Pukka, or Greggs for that matter. Although I have it on good authority the taste of the pie in the sky is pork barrel.”

People are warned to believe what they see, but to have a plate and fork handy, with sauce if you like, for the inevitable moment when the gravity of logic brings the pie crashing down.

”Personally I’d bring a bucket and shovel,” Mrs Bubble said, “this monster is going to keep us all fed for years once it crashes to ground.”

Famous mental laxative manufacturers, ERG, have thrown themselves into the swirling maelstrom of shit that passes for U.K. politics nowadays with a nifty proposal to solve the Irish Border problem.

”With just six hundred miles of winding and turreted walls, built in the Norman fashion that has done so much to boost tourism across the Irish Sea in Wales, we can neatly solve the problem of the Irish Border which has long vexed the European Union with its complexity [but remains impressively easy to solve for British Brexit MPs].”

The walls, to be built of stone made from newly constructed border housing, now marked for demolition, will also have tunnels to let the water flow through.

”Whatever direction the water flows on that island, be it north to south, south to north, west to east or up to down, boating will not be inhibited. In fact we suggest tourist day tours, with relevant immigration checks, will be a boon to the population of the area and easily replace any income lost to farming once a great big wall unnecessary wall appears on the landscape.”

The ERG suggest building of the wall should begin immediately,

”as we intend to do our utmost to crash the U.K. out of the EU in order to maximise the profit from the shorting of the pound that so many of our colleagues are betting on.”

Quite what the people of Northern Ireland or the Republic will make of the proposal was addressed also.

”We are the ERG. We don’t give a fig. You will be assimilated. And anyway, if we start letting one former colony dictate British foreign policy that’s hardly a good foundation for when we lay down the terms to India for the return of the Raj, after our successful Brexit leaves us free once more to trade with the world.”

As a final point the ERG added,

”Everyone is so damned up in arms about our suggestions to use new technology to police what was once an invisible border that enabled a fragile peace, we presume they’ll be just chuffed with the idea of using old, tried and tested wall technology.”

It’s expected the BBC will later report this development with the headline ‘ERG triumphs as Irish Border problem solved by ERG’.

Town halls across the U.K. are faced with an escalating cash crisis completely down to the necessity of constantly re-issuing each Brexit supporting voter’s birth certificate on a daily basis.

”It’s a good thing support for this far right takeover of our country is slowly and steadily waning, well, everywhere but Labour HQ,” register of births, deaths and marriages at Buck-on-Trend told LCD Views, “we’ve already pushed bin collections back to biannual events to save money and we’re in danger of cancelling them altogether.”

It seems the reason for the never ending re-issuing, and corresponding exhaustion of resources, already strained worse than the famous words “strong and stable”, is the requirement to daily update individual Brexit voter’s date of birthday to yesterday.

”They were all born yesterday,” the register shrugged, “even the over 65’s. Every morning when they wake up still believing in the best Brexit deal possible and take back control and jobs first Brexit, and all the other bollocks Brexit politicians say to further their own ideological aims, the Brexit backing voter is reborn anew. Clearly still knowing about as much as a newborn.”

It is hoped the gradual filtering through to the general public at large of the nightmare ahead will swing enough voters against Brexit in the coming weeks and alleviate the budget strain.

”If it doesn’t happen we’re going to have to stop registering births altogether. But that would have the side benefit of easing housing shortages at least.”

Anyone seeking further confirmation of the date of birth of a Brexit voter is asked to just wait patiently and see how quickly they soil themselves when the housing market adjusts itself to the exciting possibilities presented by Brexit in 2019.