Not so Cleverly James MP recruits next generation of Tory party voters with just his sense of humour

The Green Party faces extinction within England today after leading Tory Party brain box James Cleverly MP snatched pretty much all of the next generation of voters.

“You’ve got to patronise and mock the young’s fears if you want them to vote for you,” Mr (not so) Cleverly told LCD Views, over a champagne breakfast to celebrate his cunning tweeting.

The breakfast interview took place on an iceberg set adrift on the Thames near the Palace of Westminster.

“It’s quite a challenge to get the bollie drunk before the ice melts and you have to swim for shore!” James hooted.

He was dressed for the occasion too, in top hat and tails, looking like an extra from the famous photo of Dave, Boris and chums back when they were just bright eyed students.

We enjoyed a bacon butty with our champagne, the bacon dry cured over the ashes of a Brazilian rainforest to give it a futuristic flavour.

“I’m ravenous, for votes! Ha!” Mr (not so) Cleverly hooted again.

Unfortunately he looked likely to be ravenous for food to accompany the break fast fizz too, as the busy waters of the rising river melted the ice underneath his plate before he could tuck in.

“Now I know what it’s like to be a polar bear,” Mr (not so) Cleverly looked temporarily downcast, “but wait, I’ll just go to the shore over there and everything will be fine. Polar bears are dumb.”

That’s a polarising statement.

“With any luck the local authority will fine the parents of the kids who bunked off school yesterday,” he added, “it’s a good system, the fining for absenteeism. The poorer you are, the more it hurts, the more it hurts, the more you learn them.”

But don’t you think it might be helpful to your party, one with a membership that is physically dying and geriatric, to engage with the young voters who are so traumatised by the wanton destruction of their planet, they are prepared to take to the streets in terror of what the future holds?

“Why bother? By the time the earth cooks and everything dies except for pond slime I’ll be long gone.”

If the pond slime is still present, you will be too.

“Excuse me?”

Don’t worry, you’ll hear about it at the ballot box soon enough. Not content with stripping away the opportunities of the young to freely engage in Europe, you’re now also signalling you’ll do bugger all to save the planet they’re expected to live on.

“Clever by name, clever by nature.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll just chillax” – voters attitudes to moderate MPs doing anything useful surveyed

LCD Views has been out on the streets of Britain overnight to conduct the largest nocturnal survey of voter attitudes ever undertaken by a fictional, global news enterprise.

“We figured it was best to do it at night,” our head of non-existent surveys said, “because the leadership of both major parties are determined to keep everyone in the dark regarding their intentions on Brexit.”

To get to the pulse of everyones’ multitudinous attitudes, but present it as a soundbite, we first stopped by an emergency mushroom farm, currently being constructed in the entrance to the Channel Tunnel on the English side.

“Keep them in the dark and feed them sh*t,” chief mushroom farmer for Labour, Keir Starmer MP, told us, “this is a cross party initiative to ensure voters have work ongoing in either a Labour ‘not one job left’ Brexit or the Tory ‘right wing kleptomaniacs are going to take all your stuff’ one.”

But as he isn’t a voter in the regular sense, we spoke to one of the workers on the site.

“We grew mushrooms in the blitz,” A. Eejit shrugged, “we’ll grow mushrooms after Brexit. Just let them get on with it.”

Well clearly A. Eejit is very relaxed. Next we took the pulse of voter attitudes in a pub.

“Oh, a couple of shots of tequila, a double gin and tonic and anything hallucinogenic,” we asked the bartender and didn’t get much else done immediately. But after a while we settled into an in-depth conversation with some urinal cakes.

“Don’t worry, we’ll just chillax,” the urinal cakes told us, “much like the mass of ‘I’m alright jack’ voters who are just expecting common sense to return of its own accord before the 29th March, we’re perfectly happy to sit here and be pissed on.”

So there you have it, mass of moderate MPs who could stop this catastrophic reduction of the UK by a criminal mob of disaster capitalists and totalitarian minded, zealot MPs, no one is really worried, just take your time, we’ll just chillax. Oh and stockpile food. We’ll do that too. The people who don’t do it will need somewhere to raid in the food riots when they get peckish.

“Remember, it’s best to put party before country,” the actual urinal added before we got lost on the way home, “Don’t any MPs dare to form a sufficient cross party bloc to stop this juggernaut of shite before March 29th, the voters won’t mind.”

Jeremy Corbyn says he forgot he was leader of the official opposition

LCD Views can report that there’s finally insight into why Westminster appears to be lacking an opposition to the countrycide currently being pursued by the May government.

“He’s told us,” our political insides and other guts, analyst says.

Who? What? When? Why?

”Jeremy Corbyn. He says he forgot he was leader of the official opposition at Westminster.”

Just like he forgot to mention the possibility of a People’s Vote when he penned his little staged managed missive, not in anyway written out of a cynical media strategy with the prior knowledge of the Tories, to the PM with his negotiating position for helping her reduce the U.K. to rubble via Brexit?

”Now that’s a long question with many moving parts, but in a word, yes.”

Well, will he be doing anything to improve his memory? Sudoku maybe? Cryptic crosswords? Learning a foreign language? Perhaps there’s other really important things he’s forgotten.

”Oh, I don’t think he’s bothered by the lapse in memory. Even if it’s a really bad one for the many, but not the few.”

Next you’ll be saying he forgot he three line whipped to trigger Article 50. Or he forgot he banged on about a jobs first Brexit for years.

”When it was blatantly obvious that any Brexit is a jobsicide?”

That’s right.

”Oh, I don’t think he’ll have trouble remembering his finest moments in politics. He’s waited so very long for them.”

You’re forgetting he singlehandedly convinced Charles Kennedy to oppose the second Iraq War.

”Who? Only Corbyn opposed it at Westminster.”

It seems we’re all having memory troubles! But what’s he going to do now he’s remembered he’s leading the official opposition at Westminster?

”Forget again.”

House of Commons evacuated after woman’s pants catch fire

Dramatic scenes at the House of Commons theme park yesterday afternoon after fire marshals evacuated the ancient, combustible building when the pants of a woman playing the role of a senior politician suddenly caught fire in the middle of a staged managed shouting party.

“They have shouting parties all the time here,” HoC fire marshal Mr Smook Witoot told LCD Views, “it’s to show how the UK used to be run. Well, they do other things too for the visitors to learn from, like fill in expense claims (those are real) or take long holidays (they’re real too).”

The shouting parties themselves were a traditional way of settling differences of opinion in the creaking building amongst the various warring clans that claimed to rule the building, and thus the country.

“I don’t actually know what the future is for the theme park, apparently the building is unsafe, much like the decisions that used to be made here, but…” Mr Witoot shrugged,

“I just try and stop the staff burning the place down. Some of the actors that attend the shouting parties are so thick you wouldn’t trust them with a box of matches, they’d be liable to set their own hair on fire. Still, tourists love posing in front of the place, that’s its real value.”

But who was the woman whose pants caught fire?

“Oh, some terrified old duck who works for a series of overseas vested interests full time and here part time. She plays the role of prime minister. She doesn’t do it very well. I think they should re-cast her.”

But why did her pants catch fire?

“She was supposed to be giving a memorised speech to exemplify lying in public office from a position of legal impunity I think. She was so realistic her bloomers started to smoke and then they just combusted. Given what a shite actor she is I think she actually forgot her lines and said something from her real life, and that’s how it started.”

Ta DA! Putin orders Tory MPs to take their seats in the Duma

Great change is underway at the House of Commons today after it was announced that a yet to be specified number of Tory MPs are believed to be moving to Moscow.

“It’s part of a new power sharing initiative between Downing Street and the Kremlin,” our CONservative Party insider whispered, “that began with Brexit. But the move is really nothing more than a rumour at the moment, wait until the official press release. The Tory MPs on the move will retain their constituencies in the UK, on order of President Putin. But don’t print that either, yet. Although the list of MPs is freely available, just not if anyone asks for it.”

We won’t print a word of any of this. You have our word, as solid as the ass of the ERG.

And even if we do print your whispers, we’ll say this is an unsubstantiated rumour.

This is an unsubstantiated rumour from a fictional source inside the Conservative Party. Make believe. A mind experiment in what if’s?

“Excuse me?”

Turn your hearing aide up, fictional 1950’s, cartoon, elderly person.

“What?! Did you ask what the average age of a Tory party member is?”

Here, have this ear horn and let’s get on with the article.

“That’s much better, thank you. The move is expected to save the Russian Federation substantial money too, as now emissaries from the Kremlin won’t have to be flown to the UK to play tennis matches, in order to allegedly compromise chosen MPs with foreign money, but can be paid directly in the currency of their choice at their new place of work.”

What’s the new place of work again?

“The Duma.”

Some would speculate that many Brexit backing MPs have been working there since at least 2010, but we certainly wouldn’t. And at least with dozens of Tories working from Moscow going forward, there will be room for more MPs to take a seat at Westminster. And just maybe a few Labour MPs will go too…

*the inclusion of JRM in the image is in now way an attempt to suggest he works for the Kremlin. He just apparently has interests in banks in Russia.

Brexit backing MPs asked “just tell us what they’re paying you and we’ll double it?”

A new fantastical remainer plot to THWART OUR BREXIT has been exposed today after a fictional, anonymous source claimed without any back up whatsoever that Brexit backing MPs have been asked, “just tell us what they’re paying you and we’ll double it?”

It’s believed the make believe attempt to get to the bottom of the motivations of MPs still backing Brexit, in spite of all evidence that it’s the most kamikaze political project since the last one, has finally gotten around to wondering, if, and by who, the MPs are being paid?

“It’s just speculation, but it could be worth spending the money to double the incentives,” our political figment of the imagination says,

“we don’t send £350m per week to Brussels, let’s use it to bribe, I mean, um, incentivise our MPs to stop Brexit instead?

“There must be an upper limit on the amount of cash overseas, dark money interests are willing to spend to destabilise the European project and reduce the EU to rubble, just so they can strip away its wealth, rule the ordinary man and woman in a return to indentured servitude, and profit off a revised arms trade in the European domestic market?”

There must be, but it’s probably a high total, given how fat the golden goose seems to the resurgent international conspiracy of far right, sociopathic billionaires utilising toxic nationalism and misdirection of fear and anger to fuel their coups.

“It couldn’t be that just too many MPs are currently too gutless to stand up and be counted,” our source mused, “blind to the realisation that this is one of those periods in modern history where elected representatives need to set aside narrow party interests, and selfish motivations, and put the many first, instead of the interests of the few ideologues who seek to trash the country and make it anew, in their own terrible image?”

No, it couldn’t be that. What else could it be?

EU asks Chris Grayling to organise Theresa May’s travel arrangements

EU officials, weary of Theresa May’s weekly exercise in futility, have appealed for help. They have specifically requested that the UK’s travel supremo, Chris Grayling, to organise future visits.

Grayling, as you might expect, is full of misplaced pride and optimism. “I’m definitely the man for the job!” he gloated. “Look at my record. I inherited a road network operating at capacity, underfunded railways, and some boats and stuff. In each case, I have made a massive impact!”

The EU is also looking at Grayling’s record. “It speaks for itself,” claimed EU bEUreaucrat Axel Spreadsheet. “We need a man of his calibre on the job. A man who awards ferry contracts to a shell company with no boats is perfect for our needs!”

May has already publicly given Grayling her vote of confidence. Or, more accurately, she has once again failed to sack him.

Annoying realists have questioned the decision. “Don’t forget, this man awarded huge contracts to a company approaching the cliff-edge of bankruptcy,” warned saboteur Mona Lott. “He couldn’t organise a sleepover in the House of Lords.”

The suspicion remains that the wily operators in Brussels are tired of hosting Theresa May, just to inform her that No More Negotiations means No More Negotiations. “Delighted that the UK has taken back control of the PM’s travel arrangements,” tweeted Donald Tusk. “We look forward to constructive discussions in the future! #Failing Grayling”

Grayling disclosed that discussions are in an advanced state. “Next week, Mrs May will travel to Europe in traditional British fashion!” he promised. “A patriotic lorry driver will convey her along the M20 to Dover. She will then transfer to the railway for the short hop to Ramsgate – I believe the line is still open – for the ferry. The passage of the English Channel will be provided by Seaborne Freight.”

Thanet Council, in common with many others, has been forced into cuts by government spending reviews. Ramsgate Harbour will lose its funding and its suitability for ferry services. Looks like instead of ro-ro ferries there will be row-row-row your boats.

Woman binned by litter collectors believed to be a rubbish prime minister

LCD Views can report today on a mystery solved after a woman accidentally binned by rubbish collectors was identified as the British prime minister Theresa May.

It’s understood the mishap occurred during a photo opportunity coordinated with that gutter rag The Daily Mail, which has been littering the body politic of the UK for decades.

“It was bound to happen,” our refuse correspondent shrugs, “she’s rubbish. The Daily Mail is complete garbage. Cross the two streams and it’s a tsunami of filth. She’s just lucky they hauled her out of the bin before the truck emptied it into the compactor!”

To learn more we spoke to one of the people involved in the incident.

“Look, they ran me up this morning and said they were going to deport me unless I got down to central London to have my photo taken,” Joan O’Arc told us, still in her hi viz vest,

“I didn’t want to wear the vest either. I’m worried people will mistake me for a rent a fascist. And I certainly didn’t want to be photographed with that rubbish prime minister. They can’t deport me anyway, I was born here! But I’m sure they’d try, so I did as I was told. That’s why it happened.”

It’s believed it was not only the fact that Theresa May is a rubbish prime minister that led to the confusion, but the smell surrounding her.

“I’m sure she put on some serious perfume for the event, but the stench of corruption surrounding her is like a dead fish that’s been in the sun for several days. We had to close our eyes and hold our breath when we got close. It’s no surprise we mistook her for refuse.”

The binned PM is said to be recovering back at 10 Downing Street, but no matter how she tries, she can’t seem to scrub the smell of what she’s been up to away.

May and Corbyn say they can’t address EU ref crimes because ‘they don’t know the post code’

LCD Views can report deeply reassuring news today for worried voters. Anyone mildly anxious about the integrity of the British democratic system, because of the mountain of proven criminality in the EU ref, can rest assured that the most senior figures in British politics will address the criminality, just as soon as they find the post code.

“It’s a right puzzle,” a spokesmen for the front bench, cross party consensus on respecting the swill of the people, told LCD Views,

“we’ve tried looking it up the old fashioned way, in the phone book, but it’s not there. The post code that is, the proven criminality is all through the news day after day. But that in no way invalidates the result of the advisory referendum which was magically transformed into an unstoppable political imperative the moment the result (of the criminal interference) was announced.”

Why the proven criminality is proving so hard to address for the most powerful leaders in the UK’s politics is still a head scratcher though?

“We could be honest and say we respect the result of the referendum crimes, because it fits our personal, ideological objectives, but we think the ‘people’ are so dumb, we don’t see the point in saying that.”

But just how much criminality needs to be proven by Brexit campaigns for this to become a political problem for the leaders of the main political parties?

“Oh, this is a new kind of politics,” the spokesman clarified, “where you only address the injustices that you perceive benefit you politically to do so, if you’re on the left, and if you’re on the right you’re just relieved you can do it all now out in the open. And besides, everyone is almost certainly shredding the evidence as fast as they can. Which is nice.”

Arlene Foster asked to act as agent for Labour MPs offered bungs to vote with Tories

Steady hands to the pump within the ranks of Labour today with the fake news that DUP leader Arlene Foster is rumoured to have been asked to act as the agent for Labour MPs offered bungs to vote with the Tories.

”This sort of work takes someone who knows the ropes,” Potentially Any Labour MP in a constituency that voted Leave (but more likely the ones who keep voting with the government), due to dark money and data manipulation and lies and some of them, well, some racists voted Leave, but no one is allowed to say that. That’s part of the manipulation of public opinion to turn the U.K. into a tax haven.

”It’s pretty funny, some of the Labour MPs who keep saving Theresa May’s ass were heroes for being lifelong champions of the underprivileged, and here they are, so steeped in an ideology decades anachronistic they’re prepared to save one of the cruelest and most incompetent governments in British history, just in the hope of nationalising the production of slogans and scooters.”

The offering of a bung, in the form of cash or a peerage, has become standard practice for the government of Theresa May.

”That’s because she can’t win a political argument with truth and reason, so she appeals to people’s basest self interest.”

Quite.

It’s not certain at the time of going to print if the MP for Islington North will also be bunged, but it’s unlikely.

”That’s because his own actions confirm him as a diehard leaver.”

Like calling for Article 50 to be invoked on the 24th June 2016 and three line whipping his MPs to vote for it, before any preparation was done? Oh and being one of few MPs to vote for an IN/OUT EU ref back in 2011?

”Quite. Bin fires warming the hands of the middle classes don’t start themselves comrade.”

Well, money saved is money earned! So what argument will May use to sway Labour MPs over to vote with her for her Brexit deal, in the hope of counterbalancing out the Tory rebels?

”Your principals are shallower than my pocket. And the money I’ll bung you, after attacking the magic money tree, I should have spent in your constituency anyway, if I cared at all, which I don’t.”

Quite.