May divides her cabinet into the short planks and the nuts

Baffled British Prime Minister, Theresa May, has divided her most loathed piece of furniture, her cabinet, into the short planks and the nuts which comprise it in order to put it back together again and hope it’s more stable.

”She hates her cabinet,” Downing Street insider, Mr Spoon, told LCD Views during a private tour of the building, “we don’t have long. She has to genuflect before Paul Dacre later. So let’s show you the two piles she’s made before she comes back from praying for divine inspiration.”

We moved swiftly down the corridor, attempting not to notice the rank smell pervading everywhere, and failing.

”Don’t worry about the stench. We need to open some windows and air out.”

Is it the Thames?

”It’s customs union policies. They’re all rotten. And whatever you do don’t open the door marked ‘80% of the U.K.’s economy’. You’ll throw up, which won’t help the atmosphere at all.”

What’s behind that door?

”Oh, the determination to pull the U.K. out of the single market to keep the gammon happy. But lucky for us Jeremy ‘principles’ Corbyn is backing May on that one. If you work out why, given the clear loss of potentially 100,000’s of jobs that entails, please tell me why privately.”

We continued past a hessian sack. It was massive. Big enough to easily fit about twenty people in. And it was moving and writhing and groaning.

What’s in the massive sack? Is that where you’re keeping Boris?

“Don’t be silly. Boris is on top of the nut pile. David Davis is on top of the short planks. The sack is all the civil servants we’re keeping prisoner in the hope of them getting Stockholm Syndrome like the rest of us.”

When does May plan on putting the short planks and the nuts back together?

”She’ll put it off as long as possible. She’s playing for time.”

That’s a commodity she’s fast running out of.

”That’s the key to a successful Brexit. No solutions. A giant crash heard all over the world. Anything less no modern British prime minister in the pocket of asset strippers could possibly sign up to.”

We entered the room where the short planks were stacked and the nuts dumped in a pile.

We were shocked. The leader of the Labour Party was there too, in between the piles.

What’s Jeremy Corbyn doing in between the piles?

”Good bloody question. No one can work it out. But whatever you do don’t ask why Labour allegedly handed all its voter details to Leave EU after Corbyn became leader and before the ref in 2016. His presence here is our glue. Without it we may never get the cabinet to stick back together, or make a success of Brexit.”

United Kingdom to be renamed The Democratic People’s Republic of England after Brexit

Lovers of democracy were dancing around the unmoved statue of Oliver Cromwell on Westminster Green today with the announcement from government that the United Kingdom is to be renamed ‘The Democratic People’s Republic of England’ after Brexit.

“You think the Irish Border is a pickle,” senior cabinet minister, Mr Bumble Fumble, MP for Fumbling-on-Hye, told us, “wait until we have to work out where to put the border between ‘The Democratic People’s Republic of England’ and the Cornish Free Fishing State. My personal preference is across Bodmin Moor with a customs checkpoint on the A30, where it goes under that overpass and everyone despairs about traffic jams.”

But dispute has reportedly apparently broken out in cabinet over why the government has chosen “the” and not “a” for the start of the name.

“Well, there are many democratic people’s republics on the map, but there will only be one with England in the name. So the definite article is best. We know old Corbs is suggesting the indefinite, but that’s a fudge. We need a strong and stable name for the post union United Kingdom.”

Other issues, relating to the Welsh and Scottish borders are yet to be resolved, with the cabinet being unwilling to allow Scotland in particular to break away from the union.

“We need their resources,” Mr Bumble told us, “have you seen the absolutely mad way they’re going after building renewable energy supplies while May has us trying to frack the crap out of people’s back yards south of the wall? Very short sighted of the Scots. We’ll be having those windmills and Archimedes screws and what not and laughing as their lights go out.”

A new flag is also on the way with the designers believed to be settling on a picture of a piece of gammon being bashed by a heavy set, thick, white English man’s forehead.

“I’m against the flag. It’s a travesty,” Mr Bumble adds, “it doesn’t feature any images of island paradise tax havens. Given that war with Scotland, building a wall with Scotland, and allowing easy legitimisation of kleptocratic wealth via our overseas territories channeled with shell companies into the London property market is the only economic plan, it’s a bit bloody rich not to stick a desert island with a palm tree on the flag.”

More details of how the new post Brexit country will be organised will be revealed as cabinet settles on the details.

“I can tell you that rabble rousers like your little rag will be closed down,” Mr Bumble smiles, “but the BBC is staying put. It’ll just be moved into the oversight of the Ministry of Propaganda to help make a success of The Democratic People’s Republic of England.”

We asked Jeremy Corbyn for comment but he abstained, which shows he knows exactly how the official opposition will continue to operate in the DPRE, whoever is pretending to be in charge.

Corbyn to call for a Yobs First Brexit now everyone can see the jobs first one was nonsense

Fearless leader of something Jeremy Corbyn is to revise his well known call for a ‘Jobs First Brexit’ to calling for a ‘Yobs First Brexit’ now everyone can see the jobs first one was nonsense.

“It’ll catch the government completely off guard,” E T told LCD Views, “May is still babbling away on a Brexit that works for everybody. What a clown.

Surely she’s learned from the local election results that you can’t try and please everyone. You’ve got to identify the most credulous section of the voting demographic and squabble like mad over that one while everyone else looks on and starts voting for someone else.”

In what manner are they looking on?

”Despair. Frustration. Rage. Complete disbelief at the cynicism of both major parity leaderships. Impatience. And so on. It’s a long list.”

But why the change from a jobs first Brexit? It’s really catchy!

”Its because it’s rapidly dawning on the entire U.K., excepting the bigots and faith based, that under Labour’s plan of fence sitting and hedging our bets, rather than tearing the useless, shambolic and cruel Tories out of office by full throttle opposition to Brexit, that jobs first Brexit is the one where the jobs all go and then we Brexit. It’s a casserole of nonsense. It’s pretty much Tory hard Brexit. So we’ve switched so people can see a real alternative.”

Why the yobs first?

”Because they’re the only ones who are going to be pleased by Brexit now whatever shape it is in. As long as they get to kick out some foreigners they’ll be happy. Even if they’re starving thanks to inflation and the NHS has collapsed.”

This all sounds promising. Jezza really tore into May yesterday too.

”Yeah that’s how we roll. We please Leavers one day with some statement of utter economic idiocy and then we flip the next to reassure the remainers. You can see by the local election results that it’s really starting to pay off.”

So you’re not worried about losing millions of jobs by helping deliver any Brexit?

”No. We’ll get government on the chaos and then there will be proper, full employment instantly.”

How will you manage that if pulling our of the EU destroys millions of jobs?

”We’ll make everyone a state employee. It’s a genius plan.”

The yobs will be thrilled.

”Yes. Someone is going to have to pick the fruit and wipe the bums. It’s not going to be the politburo!”

Hmm. What about just use Brexit, the screaming wound in the Tory party, to force them out of office now. You can do all your nationalisation stuff in the EU, just so you know.

“Yes, but don’t tell anyone that or they might call for a change in leadership.”

Dont worry, Corbyn carries on offering everyone cake and not taking apart a government torn at the seams and he’ll manage that all on his own. Which is a shame really, because things could have been so different.

Firefighters refusing to fight blaze as that would go against the wishes of the arsonists

A group of famous firefighters are coming in for criticism for refusing to fight a long running blaze, as doing that “would go against the wishes of the arsonists. And the arsonists have decided. It doesn’t matter what burns to the ground, so long as the wishes of the arsonists are respected. No matter how malicious.”

We thought we better dig a little deeper into this attitude.

”We intend to stand about watching it all burn,” Ms Thornberry, a key member of the team confirmed to LCD Views this morning, “see, my firefighter’s hard hat is under my arm. My friend Keir’s hose is all spooled up. Our brave, noble, principled captain is in his allotment.

He thinks the smoke you can smell everywhere is people burning off in their gardens.

He’s funny. He keeps saying get the marshmallows. I thought we were supposed to be eating popcorn by now? There’s enough heat to cook it.”

But what do you expect the outcome of your inaction in the face of a building inferno to be?

Surely you don’t expect to keep your jobs as the official opposition to fire if you don’t fight the fires started by the arsonists?

”It’s okay, the fires will burn themselves out eventually. We might even get lucky and the arsonists put the fire out themselves by accidentally throwing water and not petrol on the blaze.

Let’s wait and see, shall we? The arsonists own this fire. They started it.”

It doesn’t sound like you know your job.

”What? Blairite! We expect to see close to the exact same benefits once the fire has burned the whole f*cking show to the ground. Especially in manufacturing.”

But one of the arsonists, Deadwood, is advising people to move their goods away from the fire. Far away. Isn’t that a heads up?

”What?”

Don’t worry. Thanks for your time. You can go back to cheering on the flames now.

The firefighters’ stance is causing increasing confusion however, especially as it’s now certain the fire is going to burn deep and far. Right through the jobs of so many workers. Right through the rights of millions too.

Still, there are some members of the crew who are determined to fight the flames.

And even some very experienced, elderly firefighters who’d expected to pass their time beside the fireplace occasionally commenting on small blazes and calling for sherry. They hope if enough realise the danger, everyone can be brought together to fight the flames while there’s still something to save.

We had one last go at trying to make sense of the inaction from the official opposition to fires.

”They don’t understand how unpopular we’ll be if we run about sirens blazing waking people in their homes,” the firefighter chief told us, “remember, we don’t own the fire, the arsonists do. Our job is simply to observe it. And watch it all burn. Then we can all play in the ashes. This will make us popular and lead to great social change.”

Cartographer says Peak Corbyn positioned in perpetual shadow of Mount Brexit

LCD Views sent our specialist, staff cartographer on a fact finding mission the moment Justine Greening successfully deployed the phrase “Peak Corbyn” to see if we could discover its location on any known maps.

”Justine said it to send Momentum activists down a rabbit hole on social media,” our map expert advises, “meaning they spent more time ridiculing and arguing how wonderful their local election success was, in spite of only really achieving the scoredraw against May that is Corbyn’s general result.

It also meant they spent no time wondering how the governing Tories still lost seats while magnetically drawing the racist UKIP vote home.

A vote their sanited leader is also fighting for, apparently because it might cost them some votes to fight for non-racist, fact based, pro-EU positions, even though there is known to be millions of swing voters willing to vote for a major party which adopts this position.

It’s very clever and as she twinned it with an attack on Jacob Rees-mogg’s insistence that May crashes the U.K. economy, it neatly signals her return to front line politics after five months planning in the shadows. It’s the start of her positioning to climb Mount May and conquer it. This is the establishment of base camp.”

That’s an excellent bit of opinionated theorising, of which this global news organisation have built our dominance on, but it doesn’t tell us much about the location on any map of Peak Corbyn?

“Then you need to read it again. It tells you exactly where Peak Corbyn is located.”

Just point to it on a map please.

”Fine. If you insist. Peak Corbyn is located in the perpetual shadow of Mount Brexit. But it’s a moveable peak, dependent on political tectonics.”

Long running pants fire turns man’s buttocks into candles

The Foreign Secretary was coming in for renewed criticism today after an audit of the FCO’s accounts revealed the ministry had spent almost half its annual budget already on dealing with Boris Johnson’s giant pants fire.

“We threw everything we had at it,” an aide to the foreign secretary told LCD Views, while stepping out of the office for some fresh air, “most of the furniture. All the files. I even ripped up a few carpet tiles and pressed them to the pants fire, but nothing, nothing can smother it.”

What about the emergency services?

“Oh, the firefighters gave up responding to our calls over a year ago. Heaven help us if the actual building catches fire. It will probably turn into another great fire of London merely because the 999 operators have been told to screen any calls from our post code. This is to stop whole crews standing baffled at Boris lying through his teeth while real people with real emergencies go unaided.”

And now that Mr Johnson’s butt cheek fats have melted and the charred clothing on the exterior has begun acting like a wick, it’s hard to see the fire ever being extinguished?

“Yes. His recent statements about how the ‘meh’ local election results from Thursday are a mandate for hard Brexit are probably what caused the melt.”

Well at least you’ll have office lighting when the Russians use their internet A-bomb, take down our internet infrastructure and the power supplies with it.

“You’d think that would be reassuring, but the office is a sealed environment. I dread to think of the risk to us all if the ventilation systems stop working and Mr Johnson is still talking.”

Oh the humanity?

“A bunch of serial liars so deceitful they’re turning into bum candles in office for eight years? You can certainly say that. Still, the special candle holder we had commissioned to replace his office chair may have blown the budget, but it gives the place a modern look.”

We asked Mr Johnson for a personal statement regarding his candle in the wind position and he replied,

“With my bright, burning buttocks all I have to do now is moon the world to shine a light for Global Britain. Every time I fart you’ll see a flare.”

Government celebrates strong and stable local election result

The mighty British government was in a celebra-tory mood today after strong and stable local election results yesterday.

“We thought we were toast chum, I don’t mind telling you,” B Astard (MP for Always) told us over lunch, “but the immigration scandals really gave us the boost we needed late to get the kippers back onside. What a relief. UKIP has returned to the host and mostly brought its votes with it. It provides certainty for the international community too. Yes. We are what you think we are now, apparently. Well, not all of us, but enough to keep the toxic environment chugging along until, well, I’m not quite sure when, this is day by day stuff.”

And it certainly seems where the Conservatives were expected to get trounced by the unstoppable momentum of the Labour train, at least as far as the group think of Momentum was concerned, the Cons came away largely unscathed.

“I have to say too,” B Astard continued, sipping his prosecco, “I really prefer champagne. This stuff is a bit rum.”

There’s no rum in it. It’s straight sparkling fizz.

“Well, if you say so, you’re picking up the tab. I’ve already filed expenses for a new radiator bed for my pet tiger this month and I don’t want the bean counters after me again.”

How about we get back to the election result? Would you like to share some of my duck pate?

“Scrummy. Don’t mind if I do. It’s a gift and it keeps giving. Strong and stable taste to it. What what?! Here we were thinking we were slowly sinking into the political quicksand with the flipping Maybot at the helm, but it seems Labour is giving us a leg up by fighting for the same votes and ignoring the ones we can’t touch.”

Do you think Labour will learn anything from the big swing to Liberal Democrats and the Greens?

“Not if they listen to the BBC and its ferociously efficient clarity destroying overpaid correspondents discussing politics and this result they won’t! Ha!”

Labour left to ponder if being in “a” Brexit union with the government is the way to win the government

The Labour left, which will be all that’s left if they continue as they are, were found in a ponderous mood this morning, much like their local election results, as their grassroots campaigning style has shown itself unable to smash to bits the worst government anyone can remember in the first national poll since the general election.

“I won’t take this quietly,” a Momentum activist told us this morning, “I’m getting right on social media today and blaming the press smears and the yellow tory Blairite scum for this result.”

But what about Corbyn’s position on Brexit? Surely not offering a credible alternative on the biggest and most divisive issue facing the country is making many go ‘meh’ when they think about voting for you?

“See! This is exactly the reason we didn’t do as well as we deserved to. The morning of the ‘meh’ result and here you are undermining the leader still! You’ve been brainwashed by Murdoch and Dacre. It’s all your fault.”

I don’t even read those papers. I glance at the front pages to know what they’re targeting, but I am not swayed by fake news and propaganda. I look for facts to base my wild speculations on. I think you won’t do anything but keep the Tories in power so long as you enable them on Brexit.

“But we have to fight for the UKIP voters or we risk losing seats! They’re the only voters that matter now! Don’t you get it? We’ve had JC saying friendly things for kippers about immigrant workers. Perhaps we need to go further? We’ll have to think about it.”

What about being an actual official opposition and tearing the Tories to shreds on all the obvious lies, corruption, collusion, rule flouting, risks, losses and calamity associated with Brexit?

“Don’t be silly. That would endanger the long game.”

Which is?

“Beats me. But I think it’s supposed to be Lexit. At least we know the BBC will obsess on the anti-Semitism issue and what that did to our vote, which it certainly hurt, and not our leader’s habit of whipping our MPs in support of May.”

Yes. The BBC have got your back…

Cabinet meets to discuss who will succeed Theresa May as prime minister on Friday

The U.K.’s governing Murdoch/Putin coalition cabinet met in secret last night, purportedly to discuss more realistic solutions for how to crash the U.K. economy the fastest. But…

”That’s bollocks, it was to decide who will be the next prime minister, now that Theresa May is dead in the water,” Sajid Javid told LCD Views, while turning stones over to hide toxic policies he may have voted for while in a lesser ministerial role.

“By the way, do you know where the shredders are? I understand that’s a vital function of my new office.”

We assume there’s a bank of them in the basement, next to the incinerator and behind the compost heap?

”I’ll send someone down to confirm.”

But what about the cabinet meeting?

”Oh, well don’t print this, okay?”

Pinky promise?

”Nice.”

Pinkies we’re locked and shook.

”It’s going to be Boris Johnson as prime minister, but with Jacob Rees-mogg put up for show, the comedy contender, to keep the swivel eyed loons happy.”

Isn’t Boris the comedy contender? I mean, he’s built his whole career on being a clown.

”He’s deadly serious about his own ambitions. I wouldn’t joke about that. He’ll have you and your wife.”

But why now? Surely the Queen of Brexit needs to still be on the throne for when the calamity happens so she can draw the fire while the rest of you scramble about asset stripping and ripping the accumulated rights of decades out of the hands of the distressed hoi polloi?

”You’re kidding me? I didn’t think they’d send a rookie to interview one of the most important offices of state. What a joke.”

I was being serious. Help me.

”Boris PM. Gove chancellor. People revolt. Corbyn becomes PM and that old commie McDonnell chancellor and they do Brexit. We then make our money but avoid the political responsibility. It’s crystal bloody clear. Crystal means crystal, just so you know.”

Government to whip MPs to vote to keep local election results private

Her Majesty’s ship of state has indicated it is to introduce an emergency bill through parliament today in order to ensure non-disclosure of today’s local election results tomorrow.

The bill, which has a working title of ‘The Great Rout” has been criticised by opposition MPs though for not going far enough.

“The government would be more secure if proceedings in both houses were private,” an aide to Jeremy Jam Tommorow Cordorouy Unicorn Fudge Why Did Labour Hand Voter Details to Vote Leave? told us, “this stuff with the Lords is going to make us look a bit bloody pointless as an official opposition if we vote against those amendments and in the government’s favour when the entire Withdrawal Bill shitshow returns to us. Why not kill all the birds with one stone?”

But the government hit back at the criticism.

”They’re just worried their activists will pass out from exhaustion blaming the limited surge in Labour votes in the locals on Blairite Libdem scum and EU citizen insurgents, rather than Jezza’s enabling of Brexit. If, and it’s only an if, given the horrors of austerity, they don’t get the expected surge today tomorrow.

It’s just possible those EU citizens and their British chums will take this opportunity to vote against being made second class citizens by the collusion between the governing executive and Labour front bench.

They’re panicked.

We’re ahead of the curve. We know we’re so shafted by our own vileness and lies we aren’t even bothering to campaign anywhere that doesn’t have a significant racist, I mean UKIP vote.

We invite the so called official opposition to work with us in making sure no one knows tomorrow what happens today.

I’m personally tabling an amendment to the great rout to force newly elected councillors to sign NDA’s so they can’t tell anyone they were elected today tomorrow.”

Asked to hit back at the retort Labour abstained, as it did in the Lords the other night on the option to give the public a vote on whatever humilitating nonsense of a deal May comes back from the EU with. If it gets that far.

We did also take the opportunity to ask the Labour representative why they didn’t whip their MPs to vote last night in the commons to force disclosure of the Windrush documents?

Given the justifiable assault they’ve made on the institutionally racist policies put in place by whoever was Home Secretary between 2010 – 2016.

”Strong and stable,” they replied, “we need May to be as stable as possible so we don’t actually have to have any responsibility for Brexit. On that score may I wish them all the best in today’s local elections.

If we accidentally win Wandsworth and the Cons wipe out broadly, it’s going to make our Brexit fencesitting very difficult going forward. Today and tomorrow. We have to be careful not to be in government when the car industry departs.”