The charismatic void that is Boris Johnson has made his play at last. I might be a bit of a useless fibble fabble, but I’m no Jeremy Corbyn, is his official line.
Johnson sent his representative, a Mr M. T. Chair, to field questions on his behalf.
So this is your big selling point, we asked Mr Chair, that you are not, in fact, the leader of the opposition?
“That’s exactly correct,” confirmed Chair. “I think you will find that twinkle-eyed charm and bawdy tales from the lower sixth common room are a more than adequate substitute for policies, especially as the only policy that matters is Brexit, and the only person delivering Brexit is the Royal Mail, ha ha! Did you know, when I was in Egypt with old Squiffy, I sent a postcard home, and after I got back from my jolly tour of the Med, it still hadn’t arrived? Probably didn’t spell England right, you know, most of the posties these days can’t read, but it showed some old chap on a unicycle by the Pyramids. Good times, what?”
Yes, yes, but what about your comment about Corbyn?
“Oh, Jeremy, you know, he’s a lovely chap, but not up to the job,” Chair replied. “”A bit like old Squiffy, in fact. I was talking about this with Jeremy Cu… ooops, nearly said it, ha ha! He knows Squiffy of course, and we agreed that he’s a complete Bertie Wooster, but we don’t agree on anything else, good God no, no, no, we’re rivals after all!”
And what’s wrong with Corbyn?
“What’s right with him?” argued Chair. “In fact, what’s right and what’s wrong? Does it matter? What matters is that he is kept out of Number Ten, so that Squiffy and all my chums can have five more years in the gravy boat.”
You mean gravy train?
“No, it’s been sold off,” said Chair. “It’s boats all the way now!”
It’s official. Tory Party (or at least Boris Party) policy is ‘Yeah, but Corbyn’.