I may be useless, but at least I’m not Corbyn, says Boris

The charismatic void that is Boris Johnson has made his play at last. I might be a bit of a useless fibble fabble, but I’m no Jeremy Corbyn, is his official line.

Johnson sent his representative, a Mr M. T. Chair, to field questions on his behalf.

So this is your big selling point, we asked Mr Chair, that you are not, in fact, the leader of the opposition?

“That’s exactly correct,” confirmed Chair. “I think you will find that twinkle-eyed charm and bawdy tales from the lower sixth common room are a more than adequate substitute for policies, especially as the only policy that matters is Brexit, and the only person delivering Brexit is the Royal Mail, ha ha! Did you know, when I was in Egypt with old Squiffy, I sent a postcard home, and after I got back from my jolly tour of the Med, it still hadn’t arrived? Probably didn’t spell England right, you know, most of the posties these days can’t read, but it showed some old chap on a unicycle by the Pyramids. Good times, what?”

Yes, yes, but what about your comment about Corbyn?

“Oh, Jeremy, you know, he’s a lovely chap, but not up to the job,” Chair replied. “”A bit like old Squiffy, in fact. I was talking about this with Jeremy Cu… ooops, nearly said it, ha ha! He knows Squiffy of course, and we agreed that he’s a complete Bertie Wooster, but we don’t agree on anything else, good God no, no, no, we’re rivals after all!”

And what’s wrong with Corbyn?

“What’s right with him?” argued Chair. “In fact, what’s right and what’s wrong? Does it matter? What matters is that he is kept out of Number Ten, so that Squiffy and all my chums can have five more years in the gravy boat.”

You mean gravy train?

“No, it’s been sold off,” said Chair. “It’s boats all the way now!”

It’s official. Tory Party (or at least Boris Party) policy is ‘Yeah, but Corbyn’.

Empty chair tops polling as preferred prime minister

NONE OF THE ABOVE : Polling by SomeoneGuv released today has revealed that an empty chair now tops the polling as the preferred next prime minister of the United Kingdom.

“The previous frontrunner, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, thought he was playing a canny game by hiding from everyone in the country as much as possible, but it seems the strategy has now become too much of a good thing. People are beginning to like the idea of his absence. So it’s not really a shock that an empty chair, the symbol of his absence, should seize the opportunity with relish.”

What relish isn’t exactly clear, but it’s believed Branston Pickle is the most likely relish the chair has taken hold of.

“How Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson will respond to suddenly finding himself a distant second to an empty chair is not yet clear, but it’s believed he may risk sitting on it.”

That in itself is seen as a high risk move, surely?

“Indeed. The moment he sits on the chair people will be reminded why they favour it so empty. Especially when you consider the calm, sturdy nature of a solid piece of furniture and its inability to talk an endless steam of bollocks.”

It seems now that the chair has captured the public imagination there is little to stop it opening up a lead so commanding the other contenders to be prime minister may as well give up and start asking for a job in cabinet.

“Four legs, a back, prepared to support people without reference to race, gender or sexual orientation? Able to change direction when required by circumstance, but otherwise consistent in where it faces, what isn’t to like about an empty chair in preference to that bumbling blonde catastrophe Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson?”

10 Downing Street confirms Hong Kong does not exist and we can learn nothing there

GLOBAL BRITONS! GET YOUR MAPS OUT AND YOUR MARKER PENS BECAUSE HONG KONG DOES NOT EXIST ANYMORE.

10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly today to the news that a series of protest marches involving over one million people in Hong Kong has led to the executive changing its mind.

The reversal concerns a law that would have changed Hong Kong’s relationship with its nearest neighbour (actually China), but also the rest of the world, given the unique circumstances of Hong Kong.

https://asia.nikkei.com/Spotlight/Hong-Kong-protests/Hong-Kong-government-suspends-extradition-bill

“We have lately been receiving queries regarding a non-existent country’s decision to halt the progress of a bill concerning changes to the extradition law in Hong Kong, whereby people accused of crimes in China could be much more easily whisked away to whatever fate awaits them,

“This abrupt change in direction by the chief executive of Hong Kong, which does not exist, as a result of mass protests by the citizens and concerns over threats to its democracy has no application in Mighty Britannia. The non-existent country concerned does not exist. So let’s have no more talk about it. Our country is united behind the result of our rigorously conceived and administered plebiscite in 2016 and all now want the result, whatever it was, delivered. This government is not for turning. If a democracy can change its mind then it ceases to be a democracy. That’s it. That’s how democracy works. New information. Large protests by frustrated citizens concerned that their elected representatives are making incredibly stupid decisions, that has no application in the United Kingdom. We invented democracy so we can damn well do what we want with it. So there.”

But while the stance from our country’s seat of power is adamant that the territory concerned, Hong Kong, does not exist, behind closed doors there are whispers that this is not true and we should consider if we also need to pause and think?

“John Humphry’s could give them classes on how to handle no good layabouts on the streets,” an insider told LCD Views, “Rory Stewart could assist as John’s TA. He could tell the people of Hong Kong that you just make up the reassurances you want to support whatever dangerous change to the territory’s status is proposed. This could be done with a series of slides while John shouts BUT LAM HAS DECIDED. It’s pretty straightforward. They’re a small place. It’s no surprise they’ve gotten confused. The mother of parliaments should help out.”

It’s believed cross party talks have now started in secret on how to handle the matter, in case too many people in the UK start not only believing that Hong Kong does still exist, but that also we should heed their way of dealing with multiple protests of concerned citizens.

“Labour aren’t confirming they are talking to Downing Street about how to help out with this, but I have heard that if they are, they are insistent that all options for Carrie Lam remain on the table.”

We at LCD Views say good luck to the people of Hong Kong! Even though you don’t exist! And hope our own executive can learn non-existent lessons from your non-existent existence. Thank you.

Survival of the thickest thinned down to seven as three packets of mince drop out

The survival of the thickest competition, otherwise known as the Tory leadership contest, has claimed its first victims. Thick as mince, but clearly not thick enough, three candidates have passed their sell-by date.

The first of the three is minced turkey voting for Christmas, Esther McVey. If Theresa May was the embodiment of the hostile environment, then McVey was its pretty face. Her latest attempt at being truly thick came when she failed to learn the backstory for an airheaded tale about an airport built using the aid budget. Where was it? A continent somewhere… abroad… somewhere foreign, anyway, why let facts cloud a good bit of charity bashing?

Then there is mutton dressed as lamb mince, Andrea Leadsom. Leadsom is like a pale caricature of May, but without the charisma. Not even the fact that she had dropped sprogs could preserve her from the lamb chop this time.

Finally, sucking it up, extra strong mince, Mark Harper. Out of place on the meat shelves, like Mother Superior at a wife-swapping party, Harper is so anonymous his own family doesn’t know who he is. He is clearly the most acceptable of the ten, so therefore not nearly thick enough to continue. An immediate sweet return to the backbench confectionery aisle.

But who will be the shortest of the two short planks? Who will be the thickest of the thieves? Separating the sheep from the goats is LCD Views’ Thy Kingdom Come correspondent, Wilby Dunn.

“Clearly, they are all sheep,” said Dunn, literally. “The sheep are on the right, and inherit the kingdom of Brexit. The goats are on the left, and are ignored for ever and ever, amen.”

Dunn paused on this metaphor, wondering who the shepherd of all these brainless sheep could be. “A Jesus figure? A flawless, benevolent lord? You must be kidding!” laughed Dunn. “We are looking at an antichrist, a puppet-master pulling Pinocchio’s strings behind the curtain. Not Farage, not Trump, not even Murdoch. So I cast my mind to the mysterious East, to Moscow maybe, and to… ouch… I don’t feel too good… eurggghhhh…”

And he dropped down dead from Novichok poisoning.

The plot thickens.

Queen Arlene will see you now – what happens first after Tories choose a new leader

MAGIC MONEY : The CONservative leadership process is due to last till late July, but even now the contenders for the job of replacing Theresa May are having to consider their first job as party leader.

“Euros or Sterling?” our political analyst muses, “It’s tricky. You’d assume the new Tory leader would expect to pay the DUP in pounds to form a government, but with the decline in Sterling, maybe Euros would be smarter?”

But don’t they have to go and see the Queen to request permission to form a government? Ms Foster isn’t the monarch, at least, not officially.

“But before they go to see the Queen they have to have the numbers to form a working majority. They have to be able to assure the Queen they can govern in her name. Not that the Queen probably wants any of these prats to do that! Whoever succeeds in the survival of the thickest to takeover from May will have to talk to the DUP first, or they won’t have the numbers to even pretend to govern.”

Even with the DUP’s help they’ll only have a majority of about five?

“Maybe not even that, if some of the Tory MPs who have said they’ll quit if Boris becomes PM make good on the threat.”

So it’s pointless to talk to Foster, if the Tory MPs in question stick to their convictions.

“Excuse me? What was that last bit?”

Oh! Silly me. Okay. So Foster first and then Her Maj.

But couldn’t they attempt to govern as a minority? How likely do you think that is?

“Snowflake’s chance in hell?”

Less?

“So this all looks pretty ridiculous. A big waste of time. We’ll have to have a GE. The new Tory leader may not be able to win the confidence of the house, so there will have to be a general election. They may not be able to negotiate with the DUP even. Foster may decide it’s time to cut the Tories loose before the remain backlash in Northern Ireland becomes insurmountable.”

What a state democracy in the UK is in!

“Total state of denial,” our analyst says, “and I’m not talking about a river in Africa! We all thought May was on a suicide mission, but she was just fuelling up the plane.”

Brexit dividend announced as there are now ten horsemen of the apocalypse

The enlargement of the traditional Four Horsemen to ten was announced today. This Brexit dividend means that six new names need to be found.

Of the original four, who represents which is moot. “Well, I’m clearly Famine,” boasted Esther McVey on the World At One. “My record with Universal Credit, and the rolling out of food banks, make it quite obvious.”

No argument there, but who wants to be Death? “I can’t be Death as well!” trilled McVey. “No, I’m clearly Death,” replied Matt Hancock. “It’s in the Health Secretary’s job description!”

There is some dispute over who should be Pestilence. “I’m Pestilence!” cried Jeremy C. Hunt. “I’m Pestilence” yelled Sajid Javid. “I’m Pestilence, and so is my wife!” shouted Andrea Leadsom.

In fact, the true identity of Pestilence is Environment Secretary and junkie extraordinaire, Michael Gove.

Death, Famine, Pestilence, and… The Other One. The only contender to be The Other One is Mark “Who?” Harper.

“This is no good!” observed Boris Johnson, galloping into sight. “Half way through the article, and only just getting around to Boris? How very dare you!”

Boris brought his horse to an undignified halt in his accustomed manner. “By the way, I’m Conquest, if only of impressionable young fillies!” he wibbled.

LCD’s editorial staff have been Labouring long into the night to create suitable names for the remaining Horsemen. These descriptions were passed under the nose of our Religious Disputes correspondent, who passed them without comment after being tied to a chair and denied sleep pending their approval.

So, in no particular order, we present to you the following Horsemen. Instead of the equally accurate Pestilence, Jeremy C. Hunt is Arrogance, Sajid Javid is Betrayer Of Roots, and Andrea Leadsom is Parenthood.

That leaves Dominic Raab, prorogue pretender and Dover denier, to take the mantle of Idiocy. And finally the faux innocent ‘Tory Rory’ Stewart will henceforth be known as Feigned Reasonableness.

Now let’s sit back and watch them drive the Big Red Brexit Bus off the cliff edge. Popcorn, anyone?

“I was the worst toilet in Scotland in my 20’s” claims Jeremy Hunt

CHOOSE RHYMING SLANG : Tory MP Jeremy Hunt has gotten into the confession game, being played by wannabe PM’s, by claiming the famous Trainspotting toilet scene was based on his early life.

“I was the worst toilet in Scotland in my twenties” said Hunt, during a frank press conference aimed at securing support for his leadership bid, “Skagheads used to use me all the time, yoo, um, ah, ya…ken me?”

The claim was met with skepticism by some, who felt that the UK’s Foreign Secretary was just trying to splash himself with some of the magic dust used to give Gove, Johnson, Leadsom, Raab and others street cred.

“But unlike some, such as Michael Gove, I am not a hypocrite,” Mr Hunt went on, “as I never used drugs, except by osmosis. It’s hard not to absorb some skag and laxatives especially, when you’re the worst toilet in Scotland.”

The veracity of Mr Hunt’s assertion has not been confirmed or denied by Transpotting author Irvine Welsh, who it is thought will take a dim view of a Tory trying to associate themselves with his fictional work.

“It makes a kind of grim sense though,” our political narcotics analyst mused, “Hunt is morally a toilet. When you look at his eyes you don’t see someone in their right mind. And he is just clearly completely full of verbal diarrhoea. Maybe he’s not lying?”

But if he isn’t lying, that may well be an even bigger shock.

Choose life. Don’t choose Jeremy Hunt. Just say no.

Boris Johnson’s pledge to raise 40% tax rate to £80K is not a bribe to other MPs

2+2=5 : Boris Johnson’s people have hit back today at claims his pledge to raise the 40% high earner tax rate to £80K+ is tantamount to a bribe to other MPs.

“That’s just coincidence,” a source claiming to work for Bojo told LCD Views, “we are trying to bribe the Tory party membership so they vote for Boris to be the next party leader. Average age 72, many of them on pensions of £80K a year? What would you do?”

The tax cut will apparently be paid for by increasing national insurance contributions and out of the funds set aside to prepare for a No Deal Brexit.

“Increasing NI is the fair way to give wealthier people a tax break,” the source says, “because that way the poor help pay for it disproportionately. That’s Tory fairness right there. And we don’t need a contingency fund for Brexit because Boris won’t be paying Brussels the £39bn required not to turn us into an international pariah. They can go whistle. What would you do?”

How successful Boris’s offer will be remains to be seen, because even if it helps him become Tory Party leader he’ll still need to get it through the House of Commons.

“We’ll worry about that when we come to it,” the source says, “clearly it may need to be raised to £90K or even over £100K, when you take into consideration future MP payrises? Still, it should help Boris command the confidence of the house. Who does want a tax break? What would you do?”

The pledge has been nicknamed the ‘Reverse Robin Hood’, which is exactly the kind of prime minister Boris Johnson promises to be.

Penny drops in Peterborough as Farage spends a penny and pisses off early

TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE TSAR : There was the sound of a penny dropping in Peterborough late last night as the results of the by election saw red hot favourite Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party Co. just pipped at the electoral post.

Farrago left early. No barnstorming speech about how the people have risen to defend democracy by voting for a company and not a political party…he snuck out early. Bad sport. Left his candidate to face humiliation alone. The hot favourite going down in the final furlong. His trainer literally only stopping in Peterborough to have a piss before buggering off.

“Bit of fun that it was the UKIP vote that largely stopped Fartage gaining an MP for his Brexit Party,” our electoral analyst analysed, “while we’re on that puddle of warm piss, Farage really is an excellent troll of his own supporters.”

How so?

“He heads up a company that isn’t a political party, to promote the political agenda Brexit, and calls it the Brexit Party, which its supporters just accept as a party, and all that implies in terms of their influence (which is nil) without questioning why it’s a company, and some people even vote for it, without it having a manifesto? So it’s not a party at all, in any recognisable sense. Just a piss taking exercise of the electorate.”

The Labour hold was good news for the dyke against fascism being furiously constructed, within a country which didn’t realise it needed one.

Even if it’s being done with little help from Labour leadership, who are still backing the fascist agenda of Brexit, delivering on the will of the democratically defrauded people, in the bizarre belief that it will lead to a more equal society. One in which everyone is equally poor?

What we can learn from it is that we’re still in a giant muddle. Ankle deep in that warm urinal puddle. Although it’s a smaller mess than it appeared, as support for Brexit in a constituency heavily leave has drained away to a noticeable degree.

Imagine if one of the main parties stopped saying that Brexit was feasible?

The Tories are dead however you look at it, unless the sands shift in an unexpected way. So let’s not bother with them.

But Labour can still climb out of the trough. Their support is steadily leaving and it’s going remain. Enough to stop them winning a general election.

When will that particular penny drop? Peterborough temporarily brought Farage to a stop. A Labour party not content to watch its support drain away could make the stop a full one.

Raab goes rogue

INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE – Tory leadership contender Dominic Raab is reported to be in crisis talks this morning with his personal stylist after being presented with two different outfits to choose from as he bids to be the UK’s next absolute monarch, or religious extremist.

“Does he want to be Charles 1st or Guy Fawkes? Both have their appeal,” a fly on the wall told us, “does he want to shut parliament down because it’s getting in the way of his divine right to rule, or just blow the whole show to smithereens?”

The fly, first attracted to the Raab household by the overwhelming smell of horseshit, says that it’s a cascade of problems.

“The outfit choice is just the tip of a difficult iceberg,” it buzzes, “how to solve the wardrobe crisis? Do you flip a coin? Do you consult the knucklebones? Do you just take your shirt off and flex in front of a mirror shouting ‘hoograaaaaah’? These are the moments that reveal what sort of a leader of men a man is.”

While both styles have their advantages, it’s thought by outsiders that a mash up of the two maybe most appropriate.

“Stylistically they’re not too far apart anyway, being both of the first half of the 17th century. Why not just wear Fawke’s hat and Charles’ tights? Then he can both blow up parliament and shut it down. Two birds with one stone.”

LCD Views would like to wish Mr Raab the best of luck with his decision making process, as we appreciate it’s slow and laborious.

Take back control, of parliament, and then mothball it, or torch it, it’s good to know the real meaning behind the Brexit slogan at last. Democracy? Not if we can help it.