Category: Democracy

SETTING A SUPREME PRECEDENT : Only the judges can save us now, it seems. And not Judge Dredd, not Judge Rinder, not Judge Tinder and not Judge Judy, but Lady Hale and her league of eleven.

“With political extremism on the rise across the UK’s political landscape action must be taken to ensure people’s food supplies and medicines remain at risk,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “it’s just as well the BBC have weighed in and attempted to associate the centre ground parties as extreme. Think of all the short positions taken on Sterling? People want to spend Sunday shooting wildlife, not hedging their bets!”

And the discovery that the centre ground still exists, with open plains to the left and right of it for people to camp on, is one of the greater shocks.

“The Conservative government, together with the stubborn fenceposts opposite, have done their best to convince everyone the centre was carparked in 2016, there’s no political gain by being sane, chase the kippers and forget the rest! But it’s there, the centre, and getting worryingly extreme.”

So extreme it appears to be sucking in the disaffected from left and right who just can’t stand being bullied in the night anymore. Where’s the stiff upper lip?!

“If too many more MPs join the bloody Libs, if Swinson and Sturgeon can lay off one another for half an hour, if Lucas can accept that they’re no longer the only party who cares about the environment (and that’s a success!), if Sinn Fein keep up their work opening the way for Alliance and Plaid hold firm, it’s possible the extremists could end up being key players in a GNU. It’s bloody frightening. I was looking forward to popping down the off licence and buying cut price, asbestos laden, smuggled cigarettes from November 1st!”

So we have to look to the judges.

“They have to rule that the government’s advice to the Queen was unlawful,” our ‘source’ says, “otherwise when the extremists seize the levers of power you can be bloody sure they’ll prorogue parliament again and force through No Brexit. What a nightmare scenario! We’ve been devaluing British assets hard for three years. We can’t have the country stabilising now. For the offshore crew, there’s still more UK to get.”

WHOA THERE STEADY ON NOW : The BBC, that bastion of right on thought, has put itself front and centre in the conversation over what entails centrism in British political life.

“It asked if the Liberal Democrats are now an extreme political organisation,” our media watcher says, “because they wish to Revoke Article 50. This would instantly stop Brexit. I guess you could class that as an extreme bit of politics? Extreme in the sense of guaranteeing Nigel Farage a long twilight to his career?”

But of course it’s not just in the Liberal Democrat’s that this new extremism lurks. Roughly 87% of the Labour Party membership want to remain in the EU. It stands to reason there’s a goodly chunk of that percentage of people that would just revoke too.

“The SNP. They’d revoke. Bloody hell. Plaid. Alliance. Sinn Fein. A larger chunk of Tories than you’d expect. Extremism is everywhere.”

And of course the result of this fanaticism, if actioned, would be very extreme.

“Diabetics wouldn’t be at risk of dying by completely avoidable insulin shortages for one. Millions of EU citizens that came here legally, and are being terrorised by a retrospective immigration law change, they’d sleep easier. So too Brits on the continent. The pound would surge. FDI would start to increase again. The EU’s ability as a bloc to fight international tax dodging and climate change would be strengthened. Workers rights. Human rights. Gender equality. Safer food and animal protections. Well, it’s a bloody long list of fall out if this extreme notion of just revoking Article 50 comes into play. Imagine what all the criminals involved in Brexit would do without political protection? Madness.”

The BBC would be in for a shake up too. All those Tory and right wing think tank place people may feel a little homeless.

“I’m all for it,” our analyst decided, “sign me up as an extremist.”

WHO NEEDS RULE OF LAW WHEN YOU CAN JUST RULE ALL : The UK’s Supreme Court is sitting today to decide whether or not Boris Johnson has achieved his goal of becoming ‘World King’, or if parliament is sovereign?

The case has been brought about largely because the current, caretaker prime minister, Boris dePrattle Johnson, is still the emotional age he was when he first dreamed of being “World King”.

But critics of the court case has claimed it is unfair to characterise it in this way as Boris isn’t trying to be king of the world, just of England.

“That’s nonsense though,” a Downing Street source back bit, “everyone knows the only part of the world that matters is England. Thus, he is world king.”

To decide the issue eleven Supreme Court judges will sift through reams of paper, and show a endurance of concentration span that would suggest they spend insufficient time staring gormlessly at smart phones, enthralled by the decisions of algorithms.

“It’s incredibly important. It is about the way the United Kingdom is governed,” our more serious observer observed, “as the case deals with the power of the executive to suspend parliament, it would appear under false pretences (to many) by the very fact no minister or civil servant is willing to attest to the reasons given to the Queen for the prorogation in a signed affidavit, and risk prison. Additional to this the same executive is intimating it may just keep proroguing parliament to do what the hell it likes. No Parliament oversight required.”

Essentially it seems the Supreme Court will decide if the United Kingdom is still a representative democracy or a Borisocracy. We know what we’d rather be.

The Twat Of The Year competition arouses strong emotions. The 2016 winner, David Cameron has reacted angrily to the 2019 shortlist. He has called leading contender Boris Johnson a twat.

The spat erupted through the hallowed pages of The Times, in contrast to the inane, insane Twitter rantings of the orange Oval Officer over the pond. “I hate to have to say it, but one is afraid that one’s esteemed friend and colleague, Boris Johnson, is a bit of a twat,” he wrote.

“Talk about calling a spade a fucking shovel,” came the robust response from Boris Johnson’s bunker  “That fucker screwed the country with that fuck-up of a referendum then buggered off to his fucking shed,” is what our source claimed Boris’ spokesman said. “That twat doesn’t realise how much of a twat he really is!”

This year’s competition is hotter than ever. Apart from Love Island contestants and Kardashians, almost every sitting MP has been nominated, although bankers like Theresa May and Chris Grayling have been discounted for resigning untwattishly.

Johnson remains the favourite, although Michael Gove is close behind. Indeed, Gove was heard to remark, on his nomination by Cameron, that it was “like being savaged by a dead pig’s head”.

It is difficult to be more twattish than calling a referendum without proper forethought, in order to silence a bunch of immature bully boys, then hiding in a shed when it all went tits up.

But Johnson has managed to trump Cameron. Johnson, the balloon who became Prime Minister, is still full of hot air, even though he has let his country down, his party down and himself down. The deflated windbag is no more than a twat in a bunker.

A twat by any other name would smell… like a twat. The competition has been suspended to ensure that Boris wins.

ASAP : 10 Downing Street, that hothouse of strategic geniuses, is expected to respond to the Scottish High Courts ruling that Boris and Jacob bullshitted the actual Queen into proroguing Parliament with a steamy bloom of denial.

“What me, worry?” Mr Johnson is reported to be planning to tell a packed House of Commons, “I never prorogued Parliament. I deny it. It was Jacob’s idea anyway. Did I go and see Her Majesty and ask for it?”

The line of defence, based on having plausible deniability, is presumed to come from Dominic ‘Short’ Cummings. A man chosen by Boris Johnson to do the hard work of thinking for him, so Boris can carry on being Boris. And we have to pause and wonder, how well is that working out for them?

But should the House of Commons, and indeed the Queen, not buy the denial, Boris has another trick up his sleeve.

“He’s going to go into hiding,” a Downing Street source rumoured, “just until it all blows over. Like he did in the Tory leadership campaign. Boris knows what a thwarted woman is like. He should, he’s thwarted a fair few. Hide is the best policy. Wait until they calm down before going back over with ruffled hair, a grin and some half remembered classical quote. He’ll be all right. You wait and see.”

To many sober spectators this latest plot twist in the Boris show is no surprise. Brexit was always going to embroil the Queen in its never ending farce.

How the Queen will react isn’t yet clear, except perhaps for some wistful feeling of wanting some of the more brute powers of her distant ancestors faced with high profile idiots.

At least Boris Johnson’s media backers have somewhere to turn, a safe harbour in the latest storm, they can just print a big smiling Boris re-opening parliament, once he bends to the avalanche of political will, and caption it,

“Bouncing Baby Boris Bounces Back, Recalls MPs saying. Get back to work! You Berks!” As if not being at work had nothing at all to do with Boris. Who was after all, just being Boris.

THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS BAD PR : Scientists working at the University of Sanity have identified the first actual Brexit dividend today.

“We took a look at the trajectory of the boy who wanted to be World King,” lead scientist, Professor Blue Sky, told LCD Views, “for decades this individual has just risen, and not by noble means, but now he’s plateaued and soon he will start rapidly descending.”

The reason for the rapidly approaching, rapid descent appears to be the wrong choice as a newspaper columnist back in 2016.

“He’s a gambler. Do or die. His calculations, however cynical, have always paid off before. Then he rolled the big dice and it turned out like the plot to ‘The Producers’. He won, but in reality he needed to lose to win. So now he’s stuffed. Although he’s been on the run from the result ever since.”

And it seems the professor is onto something. Given that the World King is now attempting to rule over Brexitannia, a notoriously unstable and treacherous region.

“If he actually delivers Brexit he is stuffed, because any kind of Brexit will be negative. It’s just a question of degree. So there is no win there. Especially as half, and more likely significantly more, of the population can’t be propagandised into acceptance of his plan. In fact, the daily mass spend on social media is just entrenching them further.”

That’s no way to pull off a hard right revolution in governance. It sounds more like a botched coup…

“But, if he doesn’t deliver Brexit he is equally stuffed. So many ill intentioned, moneyed interests are looking for it to be a success, on their terms. Not delivering is not an option. It’s a classic no win. And to think he arrived at this point voluntarily through an excess of ill judged self-belief and entitlement? What a muppet.”

LCD Views would like to thank the professor, and his team at Sanity, for their findings.

David Cameron realised what he’d done, that there was no win, and bravely ran away.

Theresa May then took up the baton of horseshit, somehow believing that she’d make a success of it, and failed, ground up by reality into a mince as pure as that inside David Davis’ head.

Now Boris Johnson has scooped up the blood and scat smeared baton from May and is failing even faster.

It can only end one way, for the World King, for the country there is a choice to be made. It’s damage limitation time. The sooner we dethrone Brexit and limit the harm Brexit is doing, the shorter the recovery…

READ IT AND WEEP : The government is feeling free to do what it likes today after the successful closing of the House of Commons and the Lords, having pulled a Pro-ROGUE move on parliament to buy themselves five weeks.

“We’re winning now,” Frederick Fossil, Tory MP for Somewhere, told LCD Views, “now that the game is suspended. I knew as soon as that short Cummings chap phoned me up yesterday to order me to give a speech about the will of the people just before midnight that I was winning too. He’s promised me a job in DExEU. I’m not sure when it starts. It was a bit of a relief between you and me, I expected to be blackmailed into giving a speech instead.”

And the prorogation of parliament comes at just the right time for the Johnson administration.

“We’ve only had a few days of parliament and between you and me, we’ve had our asses handed to us. No one saw it coming! We’re led by strategic geniuses. Imagine being behind the Leave campaigns, under scrutiny by police, in contempt of parliament, but finding yourself running it? That is a mastermind at work. Safe as houses. Well, not the democratic houses.”

But critics of the extraordinary length of the prorogation has suggested that the Cumming’s government hasn’t gone far enough.

“They should have made the length of time arbitrary. Like back in Charles 1st’s time. Call the duffers back when you feel like, but only if they’ll give you what you want,” our political strategist said, “still, not much chance anything constructive will get done over the next month or so. Grieve, Clarke, Hammond, Starmer, Benn, Lucas, Swinson, Sturgeon, Lee and others will presumably use it for a nap. You know, recover from all the near misses of the last week. Build up their strength for facing a renewed prime minister just before Halloween.”

They must be packing themselves. Which is exactly why the executive chose to close down the house of elected representatives.

Expect the Boris Johnson scoresheet to continue as it’s begun, once the prorogation is over…

BAD BOY WITH HIS FINGERS IN HIS EARS : The UK’s least successful prime minister, Boris deSpaffle Johnson, has successfully dealt with a noisy and dissenting people’s parliament by shutting them it up.

In a show of executive strength Mr Johnson frowned, brayed, muttered and almost slept as he sat through the cheerful, ceremonial rigamarole required to send 650 MPs home on full pay.

“They can now focus on constituency work,” Tricky Nicki MP said, “and let us get on with the job of running the country. By the way, if you don’t like these principles, I have others?”

The move to shut up the representatives of the people is a smart one. They kept defeating Mr Johnson in the Commons. He can’t wield executive power if people see what a useless sod he is. Best to find a way to stop losing then.

Additionally, it can arguably be said to have only cost Mr Johnson whatever remaining shreds of credibility he had with people paying no attention to him whatsoever, his governing majority and his ability to force the general election he both claims to want and not want.

It is also very useful for signalling to the wider voting public what sort of government Mr Johnson wishes to run. What was really meant by that crafty Brexit slogan ‘Take Back Control [and give it to one man and his offshore billionaire backers?]’?

But how will Mr Johnson use the five weeks he now has?

“He’ll be attempting to find a way to re-open parliament,” Tricky Nicki shrugged, “now that he can’t get what he wants without it.”

In the interim Mr Johnson’s opponents will presumably use the time to coordinate and strategise how to defeat and unseat him?

A cross party effort that the long summer recess made possible and presumably (time to talk) contributed heavily to the thrashing received by the government over the last week.

“We’re strategic geniuses,” Tricky Nicki added, “our first assault on parliamentary sovereignty lost us credibility and 22 MPs. You just see what fresh hell we invent for ourselves over the next five weeks.”

NOTHING TO SEE HERE MOVE ALONG : The Government of the United Kingston is closing the people’s parliament for five weeks from tonight in order to safeguard representative democracy.

“It will also give those undemocratic, unelected busybodies in the E.U. something to chew over,” a Downing Street source commented, “they want to see how we do democracy? Well, we will show them how. But not doing it.”

It’s unclear how MPs will be expected to spend the bonus five weeks of additional leave from Westminster, but many expect Tory MPs to spend the time drafting resignation letters.

“To be honest and to be absolutely clear,” the source continued, “MPs need time to recover after the treatment dished out to them by Boris Johnson and unelected head of state Dominic Cummings last week. Some of them nearly asphyxiated from laughing when Philip Lee crossed the floor.”

But the government will not be idle in the bonus time.

“Total campaign mode. Day in and day out of Bojo feeling the love of his people. We’re having a general election just as soon as we reopen parliament and they let us. We’re going to spend millions before the caps kick in. Social media companies will love it. Go long in them right now, it’s boom times.”

The move is a complete surprise to some though. Proroguing parliament for this extraordinary length does deprive the PM of facing opposition leaders at PMQ’s and he won’t be able to face select committee either.

“That’s not all bad. It’ll save the MPs on the select committees from being embarrassed by Mr Johnson’s commitment to hard work and detail.”

Representative democracy. Someone does it. Just not here and not now.

IS IT SECRET IS IT SAFE : Those crafty devils who masterminded the 2016 IN/OUT referendum are way ahead of the pack again, it seems, after a move by the BORG (cross party parliament grouping of Pro-Brexit MPs) to ensure that the next general election is only advisory.

“What’s your favourite song?” leading Borg member. Mr Nostalgia (Tory MP for Fantasy), asked us, “mine is the lyrics of wrecking ball to the tune of Rule Britannia.”

The move to ensure that the general election, which all know is just around the corner, even if we aren’t sure which corner, is only advisory is clever.

“It will allow all the same genius dark arts that achieved an overwhelming mandate in the 2016 advisory referendum. You know, dodgy funding sources obscured by use of tax havens.”

Micro-targeting of voters on social media?

“Crucial. It’s the digital equivalent of standing outside a polling booth and dragging voters in to demand they tick the box next to your candidate. I hope no one makes it illegal. Not that rule of law matters overly much anymore.”

But if you’re confident of victory why push to change the general election to advisory, rather than binding?

“Well, what if we win a binding vote, but the courts subsequently are shown evidence of massive breaches of electoral laws?”

If the vote is binding it will carry safeguards which compel the courts to quash the result and order the vote re-run?

“Precisely. Only a novice politician fronting for offshore billionaires would fall for that! So it has to be an advisory result, we will sneak over the line with electoral breaches, make the result binding politically and propagandise the hell out of the voting public till no one knows which way is up or down. We call it giving them the Raab’s.”

But what if you win? Won’t it being advisory be a problem?

“No. Then the result is of course binding. Any fool knows that, because that’s what we’ll tell them day and night. We call making votes advisory to get away with crime politically our democratic backstop. We win either way. But only if the vote can’t legally be made to go away.”