Search for Donald Trump’s marbles called off

Donald Trump is angry. Very, very angry. So angry that he tweets with caps lock on and filter off. He sits there, while the detritus of the cheeseburgers he ate a few hours ago tries in vain to depart, and he attempts to remember what he was so angry about.

The FBI has been gathering evidence for some time now. They know what lies behind the empty, impotent posturing and furious rages. The President is sulking because he has lost his marbles and nobody is finding them for him.

“I WANT A WALL AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE COUCH, AND THE TRAITOROUS DEMS ARE GOING TO PAY FOR IT” he typed, his bigly fingers jabbing at his cellphone. Stormy Daniels was able to confirm that his foreplay technique is exactly the same.

FBI spokesman Fell O’Knee gave his analysis. “The POTUS has lost his marbles,” he said. “They must have rolled under the couch again. He wants a battalion of top agents on call 24/7 to retrieve objects that have gone rogue.”

“THE CROOKED FBI IS LETTING THE COUNTRY DOWN, THEY REFUSE TO COOPERATE WITH DIRECT ORDERS! I’M THE GREATEST WORLD LEADER IN THE WORLD BUT THEY TELL ME TO LOOK AFTER MYSELF! SAD!” came the response from the Presidential bathroom. Stormy Daniels confirmed that she also told him to look after himself whenever things mushroomed.

Unfortunately for Trump, stranger things happened. His shooters rolled away, but even the reluctant FBI agents failed to locate them. “I confess, it’s a mystery,” said O’Knee, scratching his head. “But after an extensive search of the Oval Office, we concluded that the POTUS had lost his marbles.”

This is not the first time that Trump has taken his eye off the ball and dropped a couple of bollocks. Stormy Daniels confirmed that she always found it difficult to locate them.

Government has been suspended pending the retrieval of Trump’s treasures. The US government is having a shutdown while the President is having a meltdown.

God forced to apologise after White House sinkhole misses target

We’ve all heard the term “Act of God” applied to freak accidents that nobody could have planned for, like a bolt of lightning most commonly. The latest incident to be described as such is the sinkhole near the White House, and in this instance it is literally true as the Almighty has claimed responsibility for it.
He made the following statement this morning to the assembled press:

“Yes, that sinkhole was my doing, I was aiming for Trump and missed. I’m sorry everyone, I’m a little out of practice with these things. I can’t get him with lightning because the little coward runs away and takes hiding at the first drop of rain, and I can’t just hurl a thunderbolt out of nowhere, it needs a bit of warming up. I’m sorry for any disruption that I caused, and for all the harm that I’ve failed to prevent. I do promise to try again but it might take a while to restore my full energy.”

This would not be the first time a divine force has attacked an American president.

“Yes I tried putting something in George W. Bush’s pretzel that time,” God went on, “but that didn’t work either. One dead mortal once told me I was having a mid-eternity crisis. I need to go on a refresher course, just to get my aim back. My omnipotence isn’t quite as omni- as it used to be. Remember what I did to Lot’s wife? Now that was an Act of God! I need to get like that again, and I’ll do it, you’ll see, or my name isn’t Nigel Jehovah Almighty.”

“Yes. Jehovah is my middle name, but it’s the name I use on all correspondence, you know, like Paul McCartney, his first name is James. And mine is Nigel but I don’t like using it, especially at the moment with that little rat Farage spewing bile everywhere. He’s on my list of targets too, just you wait.”

We will wait, with baited breath.

Trump traumatised after White House break and entry – prime suspect sought

“I didn’t think such savagery was humanly possible,” a traumatised Donald Trump told reporters, via interpreter, today, “but he just took it all. Everything that means anything to me. All I love. My heart is in pieces. It’s hard to see a way forward. That plate of hamburgers was irreplaceable.”

It’s not believed the trauma will impact Donald Trump’s ability to govern, something he resolutely refuses to do anyway, but it is believed making good the loss could add to the already astronomical US debt, and not in a way that pleases the international coterie of sociopathic billionaires and kleptomaniacs that installed Trump in office to begin with.

”Anyone, anyone at all who saw anything please come forward and contact the police,” 45 added, now weeping in front of reporters,

“as he ran away with my burgers he shouted ‘Rouble! Rouble!’, I’m not sure what it meant?

”but to you Mister Hamburglar, on no account take those burgers across the border with Mexico. I’ll pay any ransom you demand. I’ll even collude with you to defraud the American people democratically, and deny it later, but please, please do not hurt my babies.”

But while the vicious break and enter, and theft, has clearly left POTUS bereft, keen observers have other theories.

”If only the FBI hadn’t bungled the investigation into Hilary’s emails none of this would have happened.”

What’s Hilary’s emails got to do with the actions of the Hamburglar?

”You’re part of the deep state conspiracy too. I knew it.”

But there is a more credible explanation.

”It wasn’t the fictional Hamburglar,” our financial correspondent says, “it was a repo man sent by McDonalds after Trump stiffed them on payment of last week’s big order. If he doesn’t settle up they’ll be sending Ronald McDonald himself around next to saw the head off a horse and shove it in his bed.”

Brief Encounter! Aliens land on White House lawn and leave after seeing what’s on the menu

The news wires are fizzing this evening with news of a historic, if brief, encounter of the culinary kind after a trio of aliens landed on the White House lawn, but left immediately after seeing what was on the menu.

“President Donald Trump seemed very pleased to see the aliens,” our White House correspondent reports, “and even rushed outside to greet them. Anything to alleviate the boredom of being all alone at home, due to his government shut down, with only secret service personal there to guard him.”

It seems the guards aren’t talking to Mr Trump due to missing their pay cheques and the famous attention seeker is starting to feel it.

”But in spite of Mr Trump’s warm, if slightly frantic, open hand of whatever he thinks is friendship, the aliens weren’t staying for long.”

The aliens, named locally by extraterrestrial researchers, as Zaaarg, BLaaarg (silent B) and Carafe (it means something else where they come from) had expected to dine with the individual research said was leader of Earth, but they weren’t expecting to eat what greeted them on arrival.

”Imagine travelling millions of light years to reach Earth, anticipating a momentous meal as two alien cultures get to know each other, only to arrive and find there’s just trash on the menu? No wonder they turned right around and went back home.”

But it wasn’t a White House stuffed full of cold Big Macs that put Zaaarg, BLaaarg (silent B) and Carafe (it means something else where they come from) off staying to dine.

”It was Donald Trump,” our correspondent informs us, “the aliens customary way of making contact with a new world is to eat the brain of the most powerful chief, but there was no way they were (in Blaaarg’s words) dining on junk food like that.”

And besides, it’s not like there would have been enough to go around anyway.

Newest U.N. Security Council Resolution Calls for ‘Planexit’

LONDON, NEW YORK – Yesterday the permanent members of the U.N. Security Council, led by the UK and the US, passed a resolution calling to hold a worldwide referendum on a Planexit to determine whether Earth should leave the Solar System. Already, the planet’s stock markets have plummeted.

According to the former British foreign minister, Boris Johnson, the planet spends too much on other planets of the Solar System.

“Each year, we spend billions of dollars on research and development on our neighbouring planets,

”Frankly, we don’t give a fuck about hydrogen creation or fertilizing the soil on Mars. People are weary of seeing stuff from space moving into our orbit without any form of restriction.” The down-to-earth MP added: “Those bureaucratic geeks in the space agencies are out of touch with reality.”

Burocratic geeks

Critics say the proposal is unrealistic and suspect the Russian secret services of steering a powerplay in the U.N.

Renowned physicist Jim al-Khalili stated that “leaving the Solar System might seem appealing to many people without a physics degree, but it is not easy to put into practice.”

The British Foreign Office has cast these comments aside as “fake news” and “elitist scaremongering”.

American president Trump reassured that ‘Earth First’ does not mean leaving the Solar System immediately:

“In the meanwhile, we will cut the funding of NASA and ESA and other nerd agencies to invest in things that really matter, like completing the wall with Mexico to halt alien incursions here on Earth. Furthermore, during the transition period we propose, we would still be able to continue to mine Mars, the losers’ planet, for the resources needed to build the gigantic nuclear device that will set a new spatial course for our own people and make Earth great again.”

Trump and May have cast critical comments aside as “elitist scaremongering”.

The referendum is scheduled to take place next year, but this time table is blocked by some ‘Planextremists’ in the Council. They reason that the concept of year is biased toward the heliocentric camp.

Cloud Cuckoo Land Premier denounces Trump as a fantasist

There have been many denunciations of Donald Trump from many sources since he took office, but the latest one has to be the most galling yet.

The latest country to speak out against Trump is Cloud Cuckoo Land. Their president, a Ms Hedda Parse, gave the following statement to the assembled press last night.

“On behalf of the entire population of Cloud Cuckoo Land, I hereby state that Mr Trump is a fantasist, believing in things that are completely impossible with unfounded optimism, as typified by his obsession with a border wall. Castles in the air are our job!”

The source of this denunciation is particularly striking, given the general nature of Cloud Cuckoo Land’s inhabitants.

“It has long been held,” Ms Parse acknowledged, “that we, the people of Cloud Cuckoo Land have our heads, quite literally, in the clouds, and are blind to some harsh realities, and some of our citizens can be said to justify that claim, I admit. However, each and every one of us is a hardened cynic in comparison to Donald Trump. He never considers the actual effort required to carry out his ideas, or the consequences of these same ideas.”

Mr Trump responded in his usual manner, that is to say by tweeting angrily about his denouncers:

“FAKE NEWS ALERT! The people of Cold Turkey Cloud are just a bunch of sissies who have done nothing to make the world a better place. Sad!”

At least we assume that Cold Turkey Cloud was meant to be Cloud Cuckoo Land.

Mr Trump then tweeted:
“We’ll see how optimistic they are when we nuke the clouds they live in.”

Mr Trump has apparently already authorised an actual attack on the clouds, scheduled to commence next week.

We assume that the nebulous empire will in future be known as Mushroom Cloud Cuckoo Land.

Mass hysteria as photo of how Elvis looks now hits social media

Mass hysteria and mass eye bleeds are reported AROUND THE WORLD as a photo of how Elvis Presley looks now hits social media and causes so much harm to the delicate balance of the Western Hemisphere it’s uncertain as we go to print how long it will take to restore.

”Wise men say this photo is the last thing the world needs now,” LCD Views icons correspondent reports, “the photo of Mr Presley, presumed deceased by a percentage of the global population since sometime in the 1970’s, and not by lunatics, has immediately hounded fans like a dog.”

The photo itself has only emerged in the last couple of hours and is causing people to not be able to help falling out of love with a figure once assumed untouchable.

”It’s certainly going to make for a blue Christmas in the Presley household, regardless of who is present,” our icons correspondent continues, “it can only be hoped blue snowflakes start falling the next time the resurrected Elvis “the pelvis” makes a surprise public appearance, so as to obscure camera lens and spare the world a repetition of a sight no one needs to see, as it’s enough to quench even the hottest burning love.”

But even as we go to print suspicious minds are asking if this image of a giant arse isn’t actually the famous rocker but the current president of the United States, Donald Trump, who with all due modesty recently compared himself in his dangerous, dementia revealing ramblings to Elvis Presley?

”If that is the case than I can only say the photo of 45rpm has been released by Mr Trump’s own people in an attempt to distract from today’s Manafort revelations and the increasing likelihood of the current occupier of the White House doing the jailhouse rock.”


Rain makes my bone spurs hurt, complains Donald Trump

Donald Trump has much in common with the common man. For example, damp weather makes his joints hurt. This is not an unusual occurrence in a man of 72, but, on this occasion, Trump claimed that rain causing pain in his infamous bone spurs meant he had to cancel a visit to a French cemetery.

As normal with Trump, nothing is quite the way it seems. One Twitter user reminded the POTUS that his bone spurs had healed. “The pain is where they used to be,” Trump tweeted back. “Phantom pain is worse than regular pain. I hurt worser than everybody else. Sad!”

The White House attempted to explain the no-show by asserting that Marine 1, the presidential helicopter, was unable to take off due to bad weather. Melania allegedly confirmed that this is not the first time that Donald couldn’t get it up.

Disgruntled former White House staff have suggested that the real reason for Trump’s absence was vanity. “His hair melts when it comes into contact with water,” said former aide Lou Slipps. “Seriously. He looks like there’s custard on his head. And his fake tan runs when it rains, like mascara when you cry.”

The fact remains that Donald Trump, the president who is unable to handle an umbrella, failed to attend the ceremony. Oddly, he managed to overcome his pain barrier to attend another ceremony 24 hours later, with no complaints. Even more oddly, Vladimir Putin was present at this subsequent event. It seems like Trump dare not snub his boss.

However, President Macron was pleased with the presence of his guest. “Donald eez zis very funny man,” Macron said. “’E told us ‘is life ‘istorie over, ‘ow you say, brunch. My Eenglish eez being not so good, because ‘alf ze time I sought ‘e was talking ze gibberish!”

Donald Trump. Just the man to rain on your parade.

Donald Trump orders special asbestos pants

We’re used to Donald Trump being very lavish when it comes to spending money on himself, especially other people’s money, that much is well known. But his latest indulgence for once has a practical benefit.

His latest tailoring bill includes several items made with asbestos.

In a recent development, he has decided that he requires asbestos incorporated into all his trousers and underwear.

“It was a great decision and a necessary one,” he told the press. “My pants used to catch fire at the darnedest times. Usually when I was in the middle of a speech. So I called my tailor and said to him these pants you’re making for me a defecating – I mean defenceless – I mean defec – uh, they don’t work. They keep catching fire and they shouldn’t do that. I need want pants that won’t catch fire and I need them now.”

It was no exaggeration, as his tailor recalls Trump made the call sans pants.

“It was a surreal moment,” recalls tailor Will Dressham. “He was calling me and ordering me to make him some new pants right there and then. And he had absolutely nothing on downstairs, it had all just burnt away to nothing. Apparently all his pants had done the same thing, so he told me his people were going to pick me up to work on new fireproof pants for him. They just came and took me away and wouldn’t let me leave until I’d designed and made some pants for him that were guaranteed not to catch fire when he was talking.”

Mr Dressham managed to resist the temptation of pulling an emperor’s new clothes style prank on him, because he knew Trump would not let him get away with it.

“I had to put a lot of asbestos into them. I had to get the asbestos especially woven into usable threads, and it wasn’t easy. I first tried infusing regular pants with a small amount of asbestos, just enough to fireproof things usually, but they still burst into flames when he started talking. Fortunately for me I warned him beforehand that this was a first attempt and that we’d prepared a standby fire crew. I told him I’d up the percentage of asbestos in his pants until it worked. I had to make them entirely out of asbestos in the end but we got there, fireproof pants.”

The story doesn’t quite end there however. As Will Dressham continues:

“He still hasn’t paid me for the job. That guy owes me thousands of dollars for all the man hours and materials I put into this. I have a wife and family to support! I’m suing his fireproofed ass off if he doesn’t pay!”

Mr Trump’s response:

“He should have made them softer. These pants may be fireproof but they’re very rough, especially in certain areas.”

Certain small areas no doubt.

“I will deal with him, one way or another.”

Mr Dressham was last reported to be undergoing a change of identity and emigrating.

Donald Trump signs executive order renaming the state of Alabama as Donaldchrist

Donald Trump has signed a few eyebrow-raising executive orders since taking office, but this latest one is the most random yet.

His latest executive order is to change the name of the state of Alabama.

At a press conference he explained his decision.

“Look, Alabama is a great state, almost as great as South Carolina, but it’s just got the worst name, you know? It’s named after Allah and Obama – and you can’t get a worse combination than that, I should know. I’ve had the governor of Alabama calling me ever since I took office, begging me to have the state’s name changed, he’s been saying to me Donald, you’re the greatest president in the history of America, so you’re the one man who can do something about this stupid name our state has, can you please rename it? I’ve had a lot on my plate, you know, a lot of golf to play, a lot of attacks to make on Crooked Hillary and so forth, but it’s always been there in the back of my mind. Finally I have managed to make the time to do this, and the state of Alabama is no more.”

So what has it been renamed to?

Trump was quick to answer.

“It’s goodbye Alabama, hello Donaldchrist. It used to be named after Allah and Obama, so why not change that by giving it the best name in the world, naming it after myself and Jesus, who would really have approved of the name by the way. He would have loved what I’ve done with the place. Jesus would have said to me Donald, you know what, you’re the next Christ. And I’d have told him yes I know, I’m carrying on your good ideas and correcting your bad ones, you know what I mean”

Yes Donald, we know exactly what you mean.

Trump continued:

“Because Jesus did get a few things wrong, he was way too soft on people of different faiths. He should have annihilated those Muslims when he had the chance. If he’d done that, I’d be having a much easier time now as president, let me tell you. If the bible had said, and lo and behold, Jesus smote and smote until not a single Muslim was left standing, well, that would have been amazing.”

It would indeed have been a clever trick for Jesus to wipe out a people who didn’t come into existence until over half a millennium after the events described in the bible.

As for Alabama, or rather Donaldchrist, the new name will take effect on Thanksgiving Day, when AL will become – you guessed it – DT.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of that state.