Trump launches “Drumpf Fire Fighting Consultancy – we comment while watching things burn”

LCD Views can report encouraging news today for countries suffering fire calamities with the announcement that Donald Trump is to launch “Drumpf Fire Fighting Consultancy – we comment while watching things burn”.

”The commentary will be Twitter based,” an insider involved in the Donald’s latest wheeze revealed, “as Mr Trump offers expert commentary on the fighting of fires of all kinds in real time. We expect his advice will really fan the flames.”

And how much will Donald charge for his advice?

”Initially the service will be free,” the insider said,”the first tweet on any fire is offered gratis, with only a discretionary sum requested, to be lodged in any number of offshore bank accounts.”

And after the initial tweet?

”Well, there will be a sliding scale. The longer any party receiving Donald’s unsolicited fire fighting advice ignores it, the more the Drumpf Co will charge. So best to take 45’s first insane suggestion and act fast. That way you can minimise the damage.”

This really is too good to be true.

”Yes. And there’s more. Everyone receiving the unsought consultancy will receive a free Drumpf branded rake. This will put you in the driving seat in any inferno.”

But what about suggestions from critics that Mr Trump should simply stfu and let actual expert authorities handle the fire fighting?

”You mean rather than distracting resources in an emergency to fend off the nonsense from an old man who clearly knows sod all about fire fighting, but is tweeting away regardless?”

Something like that.

”Don’t even try it. You can’t retard Trump when he’s burning up twitter. If you try he’ll just get hot under the collar.”

We look forward to seeing Trump in action the next time there’s an emergency.

Drumpf Fire Fighting Consultancy – a Twitter based inferno of idiocy, burning America’s reputation to the ground.

Donald Trump claims the Shroud of Turin shows the likeness of Donald Trump

No one is very happy about this, especially not the priests dwelling within the sanctified corridors of the Chapel of the Holy Shroud, Piedmont, Italy. No one is very happy about this except Donald Trump. Which is how he likes it.

Overnight the President of the United States of America took himself onto social media, and spread himself all over it, to make his latest claim in a life of increasingly bizarre claims.

”It’s me. It’s me. Not many people know this. But it’s me. They’ve done the tests. They all know it’s me. They don’t want to tell you that folks. But they know it’s me.”

POOTUS repeated this statement for an hour. No one was clear what he was talking about, not that it matters at this point, that’s not the point. The point is confusion. Imbalance. Keeping open a space to drag his corpulent ego through like Jabba the Hut getting his daily mile in, slime trail in his wake.

“They’re going to have to come clean,” Trump continued, “They’ve been lying to all of you. The fake news media. The scientists. What do they know? I know what I know and you know I know that you know what I know!”

Here he paused. Speculation is he was confused and exhausted by the construction of such a long sentence. But as surely as norovirus boarding a cruise ship, he continued.

”It’s my face. Look closely folks. It’s me. It’s a sign. That dish cloth they keep in that little church in Italy, with the face on it? That’s my face. It’s a sign people. It won’t wash off. Oooo they try to wash my face off. But it won’t come off.”

And he wasn’t finished with the subject.

”I’m going to buy it. I am going to have Melania wash it. By hand. With soap. Maybe a little bleach. Then I’m going to frame it and hang it in the Oval Office. You’ll see. It’s me. I’ll even take a DNA test if you want. I’ll prove it’s me.”

The keepers of the Shroud of Turin are yet to comment. But reliable reports say one of the priests was overheard saying “bollocks’, which translates into English as ‘bollocks’, which is nice.

Donald Trump takes Darth Vader’s word for it that “he didn’t blow up Alderaan”

Well known steam punk enthusiast and world destroyer, Darth Vader, has given a rare televised interview today.

Appearing after a summit with a self publicising Earthling, Vader wanted to ensure the result of their discussion was broadcast widely.

“I’ve said over and over, I’ll take a paternity test,” Darth Vader stated, “anything to prove that bumbling cockwomble is not my son. I’ll even go on the Jeremy Kyle Show. Whatever is needed!”

While the matter of the familial relationship between Mr Trump and Darth Vader may still be up for dispute, with many pundits suggesting the dark lord doth protest too much, no one seems to be agreeing with Trump’s blithe acceptance of Vader’s explanation for what happened to Alderaan.

“He told me, he really did,” the President of the USA told anyone who would listen,

“he said Donald, I wish you were my son. He said he’d even adopt me. We could build big, big spaceships together. Trump Cruises? Do you like the sound of that? We’ll have people work on it to make it catchier. He really loves me. I don’t blame him. You know the Emperor wouldn’t employ him unless he promised to work with me. Great, great things are happening in outer space. Not many people know this, but I’m from there.”

But what of the widely broadcast accusation that Vader destroyed Alderaan and it was as if millions of voices cried out as one in anguish before being suddenly extinguished?

”He said he didn’t do it,” Trump shrugged, “and I believe him. Why would he lie? I’m a walking lie detector. No one lies better than me.  I’ll even let him take over my Space Force. We can rule the universe like father and son. Big, big things are happening in the universe. There so much of it. And he’s definitely my father. The resemblance is obvious.”

Not really, Vader has arguably a lot more conscience.

Donald Trump hosts own awards ceremony, gives everything to himself

As the Oscars were handed out last night, away from the glitz and glamour of the red carpet, another awards ceremony was taking place, at the White House.

As Donald Trump walked up to the podium with his penis-substitute red tie doing a creditable impression of a red carpet, I wondered from the back of the room what I’d done to be covering this instead of the Oscars. What had I said wrong to my editor? Oh well, it was too late to worry about that now, so I buckled down with the task in hand.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the assemblificated press,” he began. “Welcome to the the inaudible – uh, no, inedible – uh, first, that’ll do, first annual Trumpet Awards Ceremony.”

Indeed the letters TAC were behind him on the wall, and I couldn’t help but wish this was taking place in Kentucky, thus giving them reason to put KY at the end. It would have been more accurate.

“I have with me the envelopes containing the winners’ names,” Trump went on. “And I will read them all out to you one at a time.”

Well I wasn’t expecting him to do them all at once, although as it turned out, that would have been perfectly possible and saved a lot of time.

“The first award,” he announced, “for Best President, goes to . . . Donald Trump!” he said in mock surprise as he opened the envelope and read out the name on it. He handed himself a trophy from one side of the podium and put it on the other.

“You know, some people say the Oscars go to the wrong movies,” Trump said as a form of acceptance speech, “but there’s no danger of that here. Justice has been done today.”

There was a shower of cheers and laughter from his supporters in the front seats, and it didn’t take long for everyone to guess where all this was going. I looked knowingly at my colleagues, who had all guessed the exact same thing.
Sure enough, the second envelope was opened, and Trump announced, “the second award, for bigliest brain, goes to . . . Donald Trump!”

And so it continued for the next four hours. Every award, he gave to himself, another trophy got moved from one side of the podium to the other, he made another joking acceptance speech about how clever the people voting for these awards were, and the self-satisfied grin that is always present on his face when he talks about himself was there in full force.

There were times he wasn’t even looking to see which trophy he was handling. But then why should he? He knew they were all going to the same person, nobody else was close enough to read any inscriptions, so it hardly mattered.

Until finally we got to the final award. Given that he’d already started with best president, and mispronounced his way through most inspirational leader, I wondered what it could be. I was in for a shock, but so too, it turned out, was the Donald.

“And the final category, for sexiest person of all time,” he announced, grin still in place, as he opened the envelope and read out it contents, “goes to . . . Don-what? Ivanka Trump?”

I don’t know who tampered with the contents of that envelope, or how – probably Ivanka herself judging by the speed at which she came up to the podium, shake her father’s hand, say, “oh daddy, thank-you!” and retreat back into the audience before the shocked expression on Donald’s face could resolve itself into anything – but it was the highlight of the evening.

Seeing the shocked expression still there, one of his advisors rushed up and whispered something in his ear. Trump nodded, turned back to us, and said, “she gets it from her dad, you know.”

That got a laugh from the crowd, but also a shudder.

He quickly wrapped things up after that, and we left, still bemused at what had happened.

The Trumpet Awards are set to become an annual event, although doubtless Donald will be blowing his own trumpet every chance he gets. However wildly out of tune it may be.

Search for Donald Trump’s marbles called off

Donald Trump is angry. Very, very angry. So angry that he tweets with caps lock on and filter off. He sits there, while the detritus of the cheeseburgers he ate a few hours ago tries in vain to depart, and he attempts to remember what he was so angry about.

The FBI has been gathering evidence for some time now. They know what lies behind the empty, impotent posturing and furious rages. The President is sulking because he has lost his marbles and nobody is finding them for him.

“I WANT A WALL AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE COUCH, AND THE TRAITOROUS DEMS ARE GOING TO PAY FOR IT” he typed, his bigly fingers jabbing at his cellphone. Stormy Daniels was able to confirm that his foreplay technique is exactly the same.

FBI spokesman Fell O’Knee gave his analysis. “The POTUS has lost his marbles,” he said. “They must have rolled under the couch again. He wants a battalion of top agents on call 24/7 to retrieve objects that have gone rogue.”

“THE CROOKED FBI IS LETTING THE COUNTRY DOWN, THEY REFUSE TO COOPERATE WITH DIRECT ORDERS! I’M THE GREATEST WORLD LEADER IN THE WORLD BUT THEY TELL ME TO LOOK AFTER MYSELF! SAD!” came the response from the Presidential bathroom. Stormy Daniels confirmed that she also told him to look after himself whenever things mushroomed.

Unfortunately for Trump, stranger things happened. His shooters rolled away, but even the reluctant FBI agents failed to locate them. “I confess, it’s a mystery,” said O’Knee, scratching his head. “But after an extensive search of the Oval Office, we concluded that the POTUS had lost his marbles.”

This is not the first time that Trump has taken his eye off the ball and dropped a couple of bollocks. Stormy Daniels confirmed that she always found it difficult to locate them.

Government has been suspended pending the retrieval of Trump’s treasures. The US government is having a shutdown while the President is having a meltdown.

God forced to apologise after White House sinkhole misses target

We’ve all heard the term “Act of God” applied to freak accidents that nobody could have planned for, like a bolt of lightning most commonly. The latest incident to be described as such is the sinkhole near the White House, and in this instance it is literally true as the Almighty has claimed responsibility for it.
He made the following statement this morning to the assembled press:

“Yes, that sinkhole was my doing, I was aiming for Trump and missed. I’m sorry everyone, I’m a little out of practice with these things. I can’t get him with lightning because the little coward runs away and takes hiding at the first drop of rain, and I can’t just hurl a thunderbolt out of nowhere, it needs a bit of warming up. I’m sorry for any disruption that I caused, and for all the harm that I’ve failed to prevent. I do promise to try again but it might take a while to restore my full energy.”

This would not be the first time a divine force has attacked an American president.

“Yes I tried putting something in George W. Bush’s pretzel that time,” God went on, “but that didn’t work either. One dead mortal once told me I was having a mid-eternity crisis. I need to go on a refresher course, just to get my aim back. My omnipotence isn’t quite as omni- as it used to be. Remember what I did to Lot’s wife? Now that was an Act of God! I need to get like that again, and I’ll do it, you’ll see, or my name isn’t Nigel Jehovah Almighty.”

“Yes. Jehovah is my middle name, but it’s the name I use on all correspondence, you know, like Paul McCartney, his first name is James. And mine is Nigel but I don’t like using it, especially at the moment with that little rat Farage spewing bile everywhere. He’s on my list of targets too, just you wait.”

We will wait, with baited breath.

Trump traumatised after White House break and entry – prime suspect sought

“I didn’t think such savagery was humanly possible,” a traumatised Donald Trump told reporters, via interpreter, today, “but he just took it all. Everything that means anything to me. All I love. My heart is in pieces. It’s hard to see a way forward. That plate of hamburgers was irreplaceable.”

It’s not believed the trauma will impact Donald Trump’s ability to govern, something he resolutely refuses to do anyway, but it is believed making good the loss could add to the already astronomical US debt, and not in a way that pleases the international coterie of sociopathic billionaires and kleptomaniacs that installed Trump in office to begin with.

”Anyone, anyone at all who saw anything please come forward and contact the police,” 45 added, now weeping in front of reporters,

“as he ran away with my burgers he shouted ‘Rouble! Rouble!’, I’m not sure what it meant?

”but to you Mister Hamburglar, on no account take those burgers across the border with Mexico. I’ll pay any ransom you demand. I’ll even collude with you to defraud the American people democratically, and deny it later, but please, please do not hurt my babies.”

But while the vicious break and enter, and theft, has clearly left POTUS bereft, keen observers have other theories.

”If only the FBI hadn’t bungled the investigation into Hilary’s emails none of this would have happened.”

What’s Hilary’s emails got to do with the actions of the Hamburglar?

”You’re part of the deep state conspiracy too. I knew it.”

But there is a more credible explanation.

”It wasn’t the fictional Hamburglar,” our financial correspondent says, “it was a repo man sent by McDonalds after Trump stiffed them on payment of last week’s big order. If he doesn’t settle up they’ll be sending Ronald McDonald himself around next to saw the head off a horse and shove it in his bed.”

Brief Encounter! Aliens land on White House lawn and leave after seeing what’s on the menu

The news wires are fizzing this evening with news of a historic, if brief, encounter of the culinary kind after a trio of aliens landed on the White House lawn, but left immediately after seeing what was on the menu.

“President Donald Trump seemed very pleased to see the aliens,” our White House correspondent reports, “and even rushed outside to greet them. Anything to alleviate the boredom of being all alone at home, due to his government shut down, with only secret service personal there to guard him.”

It seems the guards aren’t talking to Mr Trump due to missing their pay cheques and the famous attention seeker is starting to feel it.

”But in spite of Mr Trump’s warm, if slightly frantic, open hand of whatever he thinks is friendship, the aliens weren’t staying for long.”

The aliens, named locally by extraterrestrial researchers, as Zaaarg, BLaaarg (silent B) and Carafe (it means something else where they come from) had expected to dine with the individual research said was leader of Earth, but they weren’t expecting to eat what greeted them on arrival.

”Imagine travelling millions of light years to reach Earth, anticipating a momentous meal as two alien cultures get to know each other, only to arrive and find there’s just trash on the menu? No wonder they turned right around and went back home.”

But it wasn’t a White House stuffed full of cold Big Macs that put Zaaarg, BLaaarg (silent B) and Carafe (it means something else where they come from) off staying to dine.

”It was Donald Trump,” our correspondent informs us, “the aliens customary way of making contact with a new world is to eat the brain of the most powerful chief, but there was no way they were (in Blaaarg’s words) dining on junk food like that.”

And besides, it’s not like there would have been enough to go around anyway.

Newest U.N. Security Council Resolution Calls for ‘Planexit’

LONDON, NEW YORK – Yesterday the permanent members of the U.N. Security Council, led by the UK and the US, passed a resolution calling to hold a worldwide referendum on a Planexit to determine whether Earth should leave the Solar System. Already, the planet’s stock markets have plummeted.

According to the former British foreign minister, Boris Johnson, the planet spends too much on other planets of the Solar System.

“Each year, we spend billions of dollars on research and development on our neighbouring planets,

”Frankly, we don’t give a fuck about hydrogen creation or fertilizing the soil on Mars. People are weary of seeing stuff from space moving into our orbit without any form of restriction.” The down-to-earth MP added: “Those bureaucratic geeks in the space agencies are out of touch with reality.”

Burocratic geeks

Critics say the proposal is unrealistic and suspect the Russian secret services of steering a powerplay in the U.N.

Renowned physicist Jim al-Khalili stated that “leaving the Solar System might seem appealing to many people without a physics degree, but it is not easy to put into practice.”

The British Foreign Office has cast these comments aside as “fake news” and “elitist scaremongering”.

American president Trump reassured that ‘Earth First’ does not mean leaving the Solar System immediately:

“In the meanwhile, we will cut the funding of NASA and ESA and other nerd agencies to invest in things that really matter, like completing the wall with Mexico to halt alien incursions here on Earth. Furthermore, during the transition period we propose, we would still be able to continue to mine Mars, the losers’ planet, for the resources needed to build the gigantic nuclear device that will set a new spatial course for our own people and make Earth great again.”

Trump and May have cast critical comments aside as “elitist scaremongering”.

The referendum is scheduled to take place next year, but this time table is blocked by some ‘Planextremists’ in the Council. They reason that the concept of year is biased toward the heliocentric camp.

Cloud Cuckoo Land Premier denounces Trump as a fantasist

There have been many denunciations of Donald Trump from many sources since he took office, but the latest one has to be the most galling yet.

The latest country to speak out against Trump is Cloud Cuckoo Land. Their president, a Ms Hedda Parse, gave the following statement to the assembled press last night.

“On behalf of the entire population of Cloud Cuckoo Land, I hereby state that Mr Trump is a fantasist, believing in things that are completely impossible with unfounded optimism, as typified by his obsession with a border wall. Castles in the air are our job!”

The source of this denunciation is particularly striking, given the general nature of Cloud Cuckoo Land’s inhabitants.

“It has long been held,” Ms Parse acknowledged, “that we, the people of Cloud Cuckoo Land have our heads, quite literally, in the clouds, and are blind to some harsh realities, and some of our citizens can be said to justify that claim, I admit. However, each and every one of us is a hardened cynic in comparison to Donald Trump. He never considers the actual effort required to carry out his ideas, or the consequences of these same ideas.”

Mr Trump responded in his usual manner, that is to say by tweeting angrily about his denouncers:

“FAKE NEWS ALERT! The people of Cold Turkey Cloud are just a bunch of sissies who have done nothing to make the world a better place. Sad!”

At least we assume that Cold Turkey Cloud was meant to be Cloud Cuckoo Land.

Mr Trump then tweeted:
“We’ll see how optimistic they are when we nuke the clouds they live in.”

Mr Trump has apparently already authorised an actual attack on the clouds, scheduled to commence next week.

We assume that the nebulous empire will in future be known as Mushroom Cloud Cuckoo Land.