Trump offers Johnson Melania as stand-in for Carrie Symonds

In the wake of PM wannabe Boris Johnson’s split with girlfriend Carrie Symonds, help for his lovelife has come from an unlikely source, Donald Trump.

Speaking at a press conference last night, he said:

“I understand Boris is in a bit of trouble, so if he becomes Prime Minister I would like to offer him Melania to use as his new girlfriend.”

This move, while full of the misogyny we’ve come to expect from both parties, is still by Trump’s standards rather generous. Or so it first appeared.

He went on to say:

“One of my advisors tells me there have been rumours of a plot to asinine, uh, astrogate, uh, kill me. He suggested some people have mistaken Boris for me – which well they might, he’s a handsome guy, not as handsome as me of course but still pretty handsome, I don’t mean that in a nasty way that would upset Pence, just one straight guy complicating, uh, complaining, uh, saying something nice about another guy’s looks, you know, so I figured if someone who people say looks a bit like me is spotted with Melania, then they might assume it to be me and take their shots at him instead,

”Plus I’m hearing more rumours that Melania is only staying with me for my money, so if they get her too then she can’t get my money, oh no, I’ve made arrangements to take it with me if I die, which I won’t anyway so she can’t have it so there.”

This amounts to nothing less than the leader of the free world using one of our own politicians as a body double to foil an assassination attempt – the bald eagle has landed, if you will. It creates quite a dilemma for the patriot, unsure of where to stand, as some have expressed vocal approval at the idea of Boris’s demise but not for the benefit of Trump.

In any case, Boris’s reaction to the news was predictable:

“By golly gosh phwoar, oh yes I’ll have myself some of that, I’ll give Melania a good seeing to, you bet, she’s a bit of a hottie that one, oh yes!”

Whether Melania is a gold-digger or not, this reporter is not going to venture an opinion, but sufficing to say, if and when she does get her hands on Trump’s fortune, she will have more than earned every penny of it.

‘…land of the free and the home of the brave?’ removed from ‘Star-Spangled Banner’

TRUMP REICHS ON: News today of the latest executive order from the golf course President Donald Trump.

‘…land of the free and the home of the brave?’ has been removed from ‘Star-Spangled Banner’ by executive order of the President.

The move to update the lyrics of the famous national anthem of the United States of America comes after a push to align the song more closely with the regime currently governing the country.

”It shows how smart Donald Trump is,” a Trump apologist explained, “people hear the song and get the wrong idea about what sort of country the Trump government wants to create. A white country. You know. Skin tone based.”

The line itself was targeted for special attention because the bravery required to reach the USA and cross its borders is not matched by the level of freedom you can now expect once you get here. And because it’s a question and by Donald Trump, it’s been answered.

Suggestions that attention should be given to building the countries on the USA’s southern border, so people don’t feel compelled to flee, have been dismissed.

”Some people are illegal. Some humans that is. Others are not. It’s perfectly binary. Anyone can understand what we’re about now. America has never been a home for immigrants or the sick, poor and vulnerable fleeing persecution. We sprang from the Earth, history free.”

Other lines are expected to be removed or modified in due course, dependent on just how many kids the regime decides to incarcerate in deserts. What they’ll do with them isn’t yet clear.

”We’re sending a clear message the whole world can understand. We need a national anthem the does the same. It’s just good business and smart politics. It’s a legacy thing.”

Plans to change the lines of the Constitution to make it clear all men are not created equal under God and do not possess certain unalienable rights are also afoot. Or ahoof, in consideration of the devil (and friends) who now rules from the White House.

God save America. But not children caged in deserts, clearly, what sort of Christian would do that?

UN recognises USA as world’s largest Idiocracy

HEADFUL OF DRUMPFS : The United Nations hit the news last September when it formally recognised the UK as the world’s first Idiocracy, and it’s back humming on the news wires today with the follow up announcement that the United States of America is now the world’s largest Idiocracy.

“It’s all thanks to President Donald Trump and the woefully sluggish and inadequate response of the American political system to the rise of the Drumpfster Fire in Chief,” UN specialist rapporteur for idiots, Professor Lord Givemestrength, told LCD Views today (it’s an exclusive), “no one is taking away the United Kingdom’s prize of being first, but it’s a minor player after Donald Trump’s press conference in Ireland.”

The recognition of the USA as being run by idiots shouldn’t be celebrated too hard however, regardless of the extreme lengths taken to achieve the gong.

“They’re exceptionally dangerous idiots, the people in the White House currently. The decision to cut funding to education, medical and recreation facilities for all the kids they’ve locked in cages underlines this in a way we can only hope history will damn with a massive shake of the head. It’s hard not to get away from the suspicion this is being done to cut off those lost kids from outside eyes. What will happen after that? It’s easy to feel a giant shiver running up your spine and just sitting there as a chill.”

Some however have criticised the decision, suggesting that North Korea, and other rogue states, would be more suited to the accolade, just through the sheer length of time they’ve been governed by maniacs.

“They’re so far playing Trump like a fiddle, so they don’t enter the running,” Professor Lord explained, “just imagine electing a guy who boasted about sexual assault, mocked disabilities and is kinda partial to white supremacists as your head of state? And then just let him tour the world actually talking for years afterwards? That’s a world class display of idiocy that only the UK is able to hold a candle to at present.”

There was a warning for the UK though.

“If you actually stop Brexit you’ll almost certainly lose your official title, you’ll always be remembered as the first, but you’ll go back to being a boring country working in partnership by and large with your neighbours and allies, which will be no bad thing.”

And if we don’t? And we Brexit and attempt a trade deal with the USA?

“Then you’ll be the worst dumbest idiocracy. I’d think long and hard about the path your leaders are taking you down if I were you.”

Trump to start travelling with giant lego to prove he can build a wall anywhere

ONCE UPON A TIME : American President Donald Trump used a press conference in Ireland today to announce he is to start travelling with giant lego bricks to prove he can build a wall anywhere.

Initially the press conference got off to a shaky start when Trump, surprisingly appearing to be ill informed and just talking out of his ass, gave the impression he believed Ireland to be a state in America.

”Perhaps you could tell us about walls?” his host gently steered Trump towards a specialist subject, away from simple geography, and things improved.

”I love walls,” the President immediately enthused, “did you know that some even hold up roofs? Not many people know that. Others can be used to stop undesirables coming to steal your horses. I hear you want a wall here in Ireland. I’ve some lego bricks with me, let me show you how to build it. I can build a wall anywhere. I really know how to create distance between me and whoever I’m visiting.”

There was a slight delay at that point as aides to the president rushed to retrieve his giant lego blocks from one of the cars in his entourage. But soon enough the big kid was building, or at least attempting to.

”Perhaps if you place the side with the cavities on top of the sides with the round bumps?” his host assisted again, “you’ll see they fit together.”

Trump didn’t seem to like that too much.

”I’m the builder here,” he retorted and managed, with some effort, to fit two bricks together.

He was off to the races then.

”Do you want to see how high I can make it?” he asked.

”Yes please. Can you build it over your head?” his host replied.

”I can too,” Trump replied and set about walling himself up right there in the interview.

And for a moment, as the lego brick wall rose and he vanished from sight, the world momentarily seemed a little bit saner, as if he wasn’t there at all.

Trump shocked to find only two old ladies in England after everyone else is hidden

NO COUNTRY FOR TINY HANDED MEN : President (seriously America) Donald Trump took to Twitter today to express his shock at finding only two old ladies live in England.

”Not many people know this,” POTUS tweeted, “but let me tell you, because no one else will tell you, England is not what they want you to believe. The fake news won’t tell you. Only two old ladies live in England. The capital of Limey Land is empty.”

Trump went on to reveal he’d discovered that even the two old ladies inhabited no go zones.

”It’s like they say on FOX. You can’t go anywhere. And if you do, there’s nobody there anyway. Sad. So sad. They let so many illegal immigrants in everyone left. Even the ILLEGALS!”

Responding to the tweet thousands of people attempted to explain that there are millions of people living in England, but 45 is so despised no one is allowed within blocks of his presence. Except for the two old ladies, and they don’t have a choice in the matter.

Theresa May because she was stupid enough to invite him over in the first place, and the Queen because a curious definition of duty implores her to entertain whoever the occupant of No 10 is stupid enough to invite over, should that person be a deplorable like Donald Trump.

But all was not lost for Trump.

”The really old lady has lots of gold. So much gold. You never seen so much gold, unless you’ve been lucky enough to ride in my lift. I’m going to sell her chicken,” he added, “just the greatest chickens. So clean. So, so chlorinated. And then I’ll build a wall around the old ladies and call the really old one’s home Trumpingham Palace. So much harm. I’m pure ham? Who knew!”

We knew Donald. We already knew.

His visit continues and while it does the people will continue to be kept out of view.

U.K. average IQ suffers biggest drop in single day as Donald Trump arrives

DUMBING DOWN : SHOCK new statistics from the Brains Faculty, University of Life, released this afternoon reveal the average IQ score in the U.K. has suffered its biggest drop in a single day since Donald Trump visited last year.

“After he left last year the average score, which is usually 100 but was down to the low 50’s during the visit, bounced right back up again,” Professor Zombie explains, “We’re just praying the sudden drop to the 40’s is explained by Donald Trump once again setting foot in the UK.”

But critics have been quick to point out a flaw in the methodology behind the IQ crunching, as the average IQ in the USA has not significantly increased with the departure of POTUS.

“That’s because of their gun laws, day in and day out mass shootings and no actual ability to do anything serious to stop it, and the drive to introduce deeply regressive laws pertaining to women’s rights, but none whatsoever targeted at all the medievalist, religious freak men that salivate over making it harder for anyone to get an abortion, except their mistress. So even taking the man child out of the equation can’t significantly inflate the figures.”

But what are the likely long term affects of the UK becoming dramatically thicker, on average, for even a few days?

“There should certainly be a noticeable spike in support for Brexit,” Professor Zombie shrugs, “mind you I’m doubtful of our own figures myself and wondering if I’m too dumb to do the calculations anymore.”

Why the self doubt?

“I live in a country that believed it was smart to invite Donald Trump over for a state visit to begin with,” he adds, “oh, and is still committed to delivering on the will of the people from three years ago even though the advisory poll has been shown to be full of criminality and broken promises and is almost guaranteed to mean the end of the NHS. None of that seems very clever to me. I think we’ll just keep the score down in the 40’s for a while. At least until the UK wises up again.”

World’s largest spoilt brat arrives in London – Oompa Loompa’s on high alert

FOX TV ROTS THE BRAIN : The world’s largest spoiled brat arrived in London today in order to throw a tantrum lasting several days on the other side of the famous transatlantic pond.

Reacting swiftly to the news of the over indulged, orange faced muppet’s arrival, the Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, sensibly placed a crack team of Oompa Loompas on high alert.

“Even now the Oompa Loompas are reworking the lyrics to Mike Teavee’s song, as that’s felt to be the most appropriate one from the Roald Dahl Guide to Dealing with Sociopathic Toddlers.”

We should say now how thankful we are for the existence of that famous song book, as we’re about to reproduce lines from it heavily, with some modifications to suit.

And to get a sense of how the Oompa Loompas are going, we spoke to one of the team.

“We’ll be ready by the time the cheeto faced shitgibbon goes ape in a burger store,” the diminutive powerhouse said, “the most important thing we’ve learned, so far as giant toddlers are concerned, is never, NEVER, NEVER let them watch FOX News. Or better still, just don’t let the idiot child near a television set at all.”

And what about Donnie Drumpf?

“He’s a rotten egg. And you can see why. He sits and stares and stares and sits hypnotised by FOX, until he’s essentially drunk with all the shocking, ghastly fake news junk.”

So how do you see it playing out with Donnie? Will he make it to the end of his London tour without the intervention of your crack team?

“No chance. He’s already flinging scat about on Twitter towards the Mayor of the city hosting him,” the Oompa Loompa observed, “it’s clear his senses are rotted in his head. His imagination is stone dead. He’s clogged and cluttered in the mind. He’s essentially dull and blind and can no longer understand reality from his fantasy, fairyland.”

So you’ll be rolling him away any minute? Or carrying him away if he shrinks as much as Mike Teavee did?

“He can’t really shrink anymore than he has though. Have you seen his tiny hands? If he can’t get his hands on the NHS he’ll throw a major tantrum. That’s when we’ll be singing our song. And it’ll serve him right. Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo, I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you get when you guzzle down Fox…”

Good luck Oompa Loompas, you’ll be getting the call to song any moment.

45th US President commemorative stamp choice now between four images of current US president

STAMPED, SIGNED, SEALED AND DELIVERED : The US Postal Service has announced today that it has narrowed the choice of photo for the 45th Presidential commemorative stamp down to four images of the current US president.

“It’s a little controversial,” a source at the postal service revealed exclusively to LCD Views, “as one of the images still in the running has the 45th President of our great (again) country topless and with an animal.”

The final selection will be made after a public ballot and it’s thought the design team at the postal service are hopeful people will go for one of the more traditional images, ie, fully clothed and without an animal.

”I personally think we should have kept the selection in house,” the source added, “we should have learned from what happened when the limeys asked the people to name that boat, Boaty McBoaty Boatface, or whatever it was, and then they had to over rule the public and simply call the boat Trevor.”

But learn lessons from across the pond, before their own public vote, it appears the US didn’t, and now a half nude president could be on a letter arriving at your house later this year.

”I’m also not happy that both Kim Jong-un, MSB and that big baby blimp were eliminated prior to the public vote. Any of them would have done to symbolise the 45th presidency.”

Voting runs until the end of the month so head along and cast your ballot.

But what happens if the 45th President is finally impeached while the stamps are still in circulation?

”Well, it won’t change who is president unless the impeachment is successful, it’ll still be the guy with the horse.”

US navy advises it would be easier to tarp Donald Trump than entire warship

OUT OF SIGHT AND OUT OF MIND : The US navy has responded to the recent order from the White House to conceal the identity of the USS John McCain.

“Seriously? If the order came from the White House than it came from the so called Commander in Chief,” an unidentified source at the Yokosuka base in Japan told LCD Views, “haven’t those idiots ever heard of hoods? We know Donald has a lot of friends who like wearing a certain kind of hood, much to our embarrassment. Surely it would be easier in future just to hood Donald, but not a hood with eyeholes.”

Horse blinders were also suggested to protect the big orange snowflake’s precious little ego. Perhaps just a simple blindfold would suffice?

“Or he could stay home. That would save us all a lot of face. Keep golfing until your impeachment. Or set him up a Truman Show type world? He can be president in there. The ratings would be so, so big, no one has ever seen ratings that big.”

The Truman Show solution to the Trump presidency is a decent one and would be worth however much it costs.

“Do they even think about the impact on the morale of the men and woman serving on that warship? They have to be hidden from sight? This is modern America? We can’t even show our face now.”

But POTUS was not immune to concerns over the feelings of the serving men and women. In particular those serving on a warship named after a veteran who famously endured suffering while serving that his privileged background could have prevented, had he allowed it to.

“Donald is having to rest, now he’s thought about it,” a White House source revealed, “the thought of what his thin skinned, vindictive narcissism may have done to the those serving under his command? It’s caused his bone spurs to flare up real good. People should think about that, the next time, before they casually bite back.”

Plans to cover the entirety of the Statue of Liberty in a giant shawl until Trump has left office are also under consideration, because there’s nothing about the famous lady and what she symbolises that doesn’t upset the old orange fart.

Twitter urged to increase Trump’s character limit from 280 to 280K so he never again leaves his toilet

LOST IN THOUGHT : Twitter is coming under renewed lobbying today to increase Donald Trump’s tweet character limit from 280 to 280K characters, so he never leaves his toilet again.

”He’ll go in tomorrow morning as usual in the small hours to start tweeting insanities at the world and just never come back out,” leader of the campaign, Mrs Grammer told LCD Views, “we reckon if he’s baited with a pro-Obama story just before he goes inside the little room that’ll be it. Game, set and match.”

In order to really bait the hook the team behind the campaign are working on hacking into the FOX ‘news’ channel to run the Obama puff piece through Trump’s only outward gazing window to the world.

Twitter itself is tight lipped about the proposal, with rumours circulating that they’re inclined to say no.

”Trump is good for business,” Mrs Grammer acknowledged, “and with another president, having such an infinite view into their mind would be amazing. Say Abraham Lincoln? Although he was famously shy of social media channels, not setting up any of them. With Trump it’s a different story. Every tweet is a clear argument to just get that lunatic out of office, but still he stays. For now.”

LCD Views would like to commend the team behind the initiative. It’s about time someone took action to distract the mad baboon and make the world a safer place.

But if by some chance Trump does finish the giant tweet in his lifetime, we’ll be sure to retweet it.