Twitterer in chief diagnosed with brain spurs

Fresh concerns over the neurological wellbeing of Earth’s commander in thief today with the news that President Donald Trump has been diagnosed with brain spurs.

“The News is the result of a leak from the White House itself,” LCD Views’ only American correspondent reveals,

“shortly after 6am this morning I was handed a brown envelope by a man in a trench coat whose throat seemed to go down as far as the Marinara Trench.”

Our award winning correspondent (we give the awards to ourselves, we’re like the wine industry) says that in the mystery bag were several cheeseburger wrappers in a used condition. But also an x-ray of Donald Trump’s head and a short diagnosis.

”The diagnosis is not expected to impair the functioning of Trump while in office,” our man continues,

“as the chief symptoms are serial sexpest behaviour, boasting about said behaviour on tape, and still getting elected to office because apparently the world’s primary democracy doesn’t care about that enough.”

Other symptoms include a willingness to allegedly launder Russian mafia money through apparently legitimate casinos, which are closed under the pretence of bankruptcy once their purpose is fulfilled, and ‘telling it how he sees it’.

”That is potentially one of the more serious affects of brain spurs,” our correspondent notes,

“as it usually means validating the regressive attitudes of people who think being respectful and polite to others (PC) means they are less manly now.

Surprisingly cultural progression is not a threat, unless you’re inherently insecure and are willing to be taken for a ride by the same small percent of people who have purposefully impoverished your communities for personal gain.”

What other symptoms are anticipated?

”Starting a trade war with China,” he adds, “sure sign the spurs have fully replaced the temporal lobes with calcium and cartilige now.”

So a short term boost and then a death knell for the US steel industry?

”Possibly. Let’s do the 1930’s again. At least we can take comfort that President Trump won’t have to fight in any trade war, thanks to the diagnosis of brain spurs.”

In old days spurs were placed on roosters and then they would fight for money, but no one thinks President Trump is well enough endowed to get into a cock fight.

Trump hinted at tighter gun controls because he thought it was April 1st

Donald Trump has admitted last night that his claims for wanting tighter gun control were in fact a big hoax.

When the assembled press began asking him if his statement about wanting tighter gun laws was genuine, he replied with the two words, “April fool!”

This statement came as absolutely no surprise on any level. Not only is Mr Trump still very actively in favour of US citizens carrying guns, but he also got the date wrong.

When someone pointed out that it was only the first of March and not April, Mr Trump shrugged and said, “how many April fool gags have their setup the day before? I should think quite a bigly amount, wouldn’t you? Some of them by nicety, uh, nestie, uh, because they need to.”

But this is a full month in advance. The first of April is over four weeks away.

Trump responded in his usual manner.

“Any suggestion that I don’t know when April fools day is,” he said sternly, “is fake news.”

And the rumours that he was ordered to back down on his stance by the NRA?

“That’s fake news too,” he said. “The fakeliest. The Donald isn’t scared of anyone. I could take on the entire NRA unarmed and still kick their asses.”

So what if anything, it was asked, would he be doing on gun laws?

“That’s easy,” Trump replied. “I am signing a new executive order making it compulsory for every American citizen to carry a gun at all times.”

Well, that will certainly have an effect on gun crime statistics. America, the rest of the world is sending thoughts and prayer for you.

Trump orders all US schools to remove scary stairs so he can run in fearlessly

“So long, and I want to make this absolutely clear, so long as there’s no stairs, I would run in unarmed to a school shooting,” all round superhero and good guy, President Donald Drumpf, reassured an anxious country today, in the wake of the latest high school massacre.

”I’m faster than that Bolt guy on the flat, did you know that? A lot of people don’t know that. It’s because I trained him. I taught him everything he knows. He was an ambler when I met him.”

While some have reacted with skepticism, saying the President’s words were just idle boasting, many will be ressured by the order to remove stairs to make Trump running possible to begin with.

”They need to increase accessibility at schools,” He added, “I’ll be signing what is probably my most important executive order later today ordering the immediate levelling of schools, and this is vital, the creation of a place to park my golf cart inside gymnasiums, just in case there’s no time to run.”

The NRA was first to appalaud Trump’s words, as it means they can continue to profit off the mass murder of the country’s children under the fantastical notion that millions of high powered rifles designed to kill people as rapidly as possible make a country safer when someone like Trump has the nukes.

”Of course the SWAT team and the clean up crews would have to go in first,” Donald Trump qualified, “But I’d definitely run in, no more than two or three days after.

I do so much tweeting, just so much, I need to charge my phone rapidly, no more so than after a school shooting.

Have you seen me run around when I can’t find my charger? It’s something to see folks, you should watch sometime.”

Now at least Americans can feel safer.

Trump calls for teachers to be armed with anything other than books

President Donald Trump has responded swiftly and decisively to the latest mass shooting at an American school by proposing to arm teachers, with anything other than books.

“Assault rifles may not be enough,” President Trump said, “this crazy, crazy POTUS get crazier every day. I don’t know who his paymaster is, I honestly don’t. You tell me. Hi! Hi. Thanks for coming. This is the biggest crowd for any presidential response to a school massacre.”

It’s believed he will push for compulsory training in SWAT tactics for school teachers and handling of rapid fire weapons in active shooter situations.

“I think we’ll have to step it up to machine guns nests instead of desks for teachers. I honestly do. We’ve got to keep our children safe. We’ve got to do anything that will make more money for the NRA and keep our children safe.”

Proposals to hold gym classes inside armoured personnel carriers were also being considered.

“We really do have the best gun technology. Better than Obama had. Bigger than Hilary. You know I heard she only carries a .38. What a pussy. Truly terrible. Un Un Un American folks.”

A suggestion that it would be better to ban military grade weapons and arm teachers with even more books were met with scorn by the paternal POTUS.

“A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, don’t you know that? I know that. It’s about all I know. I’m going to ban books. All books. Just until we can work out what the hell is going on. Teachers need to arm their students against my stupidity. They really do. I’m telling you.”

We asked a 16 year old what she felt about the President’s response and that of his supporters,

“It makes me feel totally nurtured. To know that the older generations, the ones I look up to in order to feel safe and cherished, taken as a group they’d rather encourage the pseudo-religious worship of guns than do the one thing needed to make it less likely I get gunned down in math.

No other country on earth has been able to stop school massacres. The UK and Australia, sure, they pretty much stopped massacres by deciding in a wave of revulsion and care for their children to give up certain weapons, but that doesn’t stop knife attacks or terrorism, so why do the one thing you need to do to save the life of a child who you don’t know?

How selfish are they. That child may grow up to want to shoot up on the weekends to feel less inadequate.

It’s important that people who imbibed the creation myth of America with their mother’s milk get to keep having fun with guns so we can keep dying by the dozen while learning.

The 2nd amendment foresaw this situation and they went ahead and ratified it. They knew one day big truck driving American men would have to defend their homes against cruise missiles with assault grade weapons bought at department stores.

It really sends a message to all kids about our parent’s priorities.”

It’s understood Drumpf is also considered introducing an armed curfew on anyone under twenty in case they decide to march on his Washington or vote.

“It might be safer to ban attending school,” Trump mused, “make every child study at home like I did. I’m self taught. A lot of people don’t know that. Knowledge is power and believe you me that’s the one thing I don’t want the American people to have.”

Donald Trump criticised by President Trump for not acting over warnings about Donald Trump

President Trump has lashed out at Donald Trump today and savaged him for not acting on clear warnings about the danger posed to all by President Trump.

”Donald Trump is not fit to be president,” President Donald Trump slammed Donald Trump.

”Not only does he take photos with his thumbs up and grinning like the deranged clown we know he is with first responders to America’s latest school shooting, but he then tries to use the horrific murder of children in his increasingly desperate attempts to malign the FBI?

Only a self absorbed narcissistic, tub thumping, criminally minded lunatic would use the grief of families for political ends barely a day after the event.”

It’s not clear how Donald Trump will respond to the take down of Donald Trump by someone thought to be his greatest admirer, but twitter is said to be preparing for a battery of self justification and insults in the early hours of the morning.

”We can’t do anything about Donald Trump, even when he retweets fabricated racist videos,” a representative for the social media platform sighed, “did you see we actually made a profit in the last quarter of last year?

That’s thanks to the insane rankings of Donald Trump and all the new users who have joined the network to take him on.

He’s the golden goose, well, at least until he is arraigned in court sometime before Christmas this year.”

But Donald Trump does have his defenders.

The NRA, a profitable fun lobby group, has been quick to leap to the defence of Donald Trump in the face of Donald Trump’s attacks.

”How many dead kids is a profitable foundation myth worth? A lot, that’s how many. It’s a faith based argument and it is worth billions.

Sure other developed countries had a few little massacres and decided to get rid of the semi-automatics, while still leaving actual hunting rifles to those who require them. and have had virtually no mass shootings since, but how are those people going to fight the airforces and cruise missiles of a rogue government without military grade rifles?

There’s no correaltion and my conscience is buffered by my faith and my share portfolio. Because I’m worth it.”

Asked what a patriot should do if they feel themselves tempted by the most screamingly obvious way to stop insane teenage boys from mass murdering children, the rep had this to say,

”I’ll tell you what you should do,” he advised, “don’t go to YouTube and look up that video of the guy attempting the mass shooting with the height of rifle tech when the 2nd was written.

It could ruin your day with a logic bomb. And we all know how deadly they are!

And don’t let Trump see it, it’ll confuse the hell out of him. He’ll think it’s an advert for Diet Coke and he’ll be livid when there’s no girls in bikinis by the end.”

Asked what he intended to do about Donald Trump, given he is clearly unhinged and dangerous, and prevention would be better than cure, Donald Trump said,

”Probably apply for political asylum in Russia. Or maybe declare Mar-a lago a republic. I haven’t decided yet, do you know when the FBI is planning to arrest him? Check Hilary’s emails. It’s all in there.

It took about 18months to bring down Nixon, so the clock is ticking.”

Trump to spend $22M on gloves to wave at his completely non fascist military parade

United States POTUS Donald Trump is to ensure his planned military parade passes by in style by spending $22M on new mansize gloves to wave on a totally non fascist parade.

“Why spend $22m on Medicaid for lazy, lazy people, when we can blow it on a completely, non-fascist parade?” Trump tweeted last night.

“And I’m getting the biggest gloves. You’ve never seen such big gloves,” POTUS rambled on.

“I’ve got thr bigliest hands. Bigger than Hilary’s. Bigger than Obama’s. Bigger than Kim Jong UN!”

The gloves, specially designed by glover Hugo Boss using patterns from the 1930’s, will cost more than the parade itself, but it’s a price worth paying.

We spoke to our only Whitehouse correspondent, the only MSM reporter still allowed in the Whitehouse press briefing room, to learn what else is in the works?

“All military exercises have been halted while the US army prepares for the parade,” General Fog reports, “The men and women of the US will need to make sure they walk in a straight line, straighter than any line ever walked by privates on parade before.”

High stepping too. One big jack boot after the other?

“Yes. A gaggle of marching specialists have been flown in from North Korea in a diplomatic breakthrough that hasn’t received the coverage it deserves.

This parade could eventually be seen as the moment peace in our time was secured thanks to the wisdom of Il Douche.”

Further touches show the wisdom of the mighty leader as loyal Trump supporters will be allowed to join the marching ranks of soldiers.

“They’ll be allowed to drive their pick-ups and mobility scooters within the parade itself, holding placards with their favourite Trumpisms.

This is the day the people get to speak in the way they haven’t been allowed to for many a day.”

And there’s a nice touch too as Melania Trump will lead the ‘MAGA! MAGA!” chant on the day.

“They’re gaffer taping her to a microphone right now. It’s going to be beautiful. It’s going to make America great again! Again!”

Get your marching boots on. And make sure they go at least knee high!

News of Trump visit to London later in year causes concern at Ecuadorian embassy, “Julian won’t like sharing his room”

Julian Assange has spoken exclusively to LCD Views today, by way of standing on a balcony and shouting over the street noise outside the Ecuadorian Embassy.

“I’m not having it,” Mr Assange revealed,

“I’m not having a bunk bed installed in the broom cupboard. If Donald Trump wishes to claim asylum in London and bunk in with me, he’ll have to sleep in the hallway, behind the utility room door.”

And Julian isn’t the only one with his feathers ruffled at news of Mr Trump choosing London as the place he will claim political asylum.

“I won’t be flying to London to interview him all the time,” special prosecutor Mueller responded,

“He can claim asylum in Mar-a lago, if my wiretaps are right, that’s the golf course he’s picked for secession anyway, so why not claim asylum in the only geographical area he bothers to actually turn up to frequently. This gets more confusing by the day.”

Others were ready with an opinion too.

“What’s wrong with the Russian embassy?” Nigel Farage chimed in, as he does on everything, to be reported by all media outlets, regardless of relevance.

“It will be perfectly possible for the Ecuadorian embassy to provide a double bed big enough for them to sleep head to toe in, snug as bugs, like soldiers about to dipped in a soft boiled egg.”

We did contact the embassy concerned for comment, but their phone lines have been cut off for non-payment, apparently it’s part of a desperate attempt to be taken to court and evicted.

Julian had some final encouraging comments though.

“To be honest I could do with the company in the nights.

And I’d really enjoying showing Donald around my home. The dust balls in the corners are quite something. I think they’re alive.

And then there’s the hinge with the missing screw on the door, from that time when I demanded the Ecuadorians try and break the door in, to prove I could hold it closed with only my mind.

But he’s not coming out on the balcony. That’s my man cave.”

Donald Trump declares that the Democrat Shutdown won’t stop him playing golf

The impasse over the American funding measure led to a bullish response from President Trump. He insisted that it was “business as usual”.

So confident was he, that he hastily put a suit on over his golfing outfit to pose on the Oval Office. “Everything is just fine,” he tweeted. “Just putting a few calls into some very good friends. The spoilsport Democrats will never stop me playing golf. Sad.”

A White House spokesman confirmed that the President’s attitude is that golf is not a matter of life and death, but was far more important than that.

Having got his priorities right, Trump toddled off to thrash Tiger Woods, leaving a trail of formal dress behind him.

Meanwhile, sports commentators are latching on to a whole new cliché. “Every sport, when there is a lull in proceedings, will describe this passage of play as a Democrat Shutdown,” explained cricket analyst Eaton Cakes. “Indeed, the MCC is considering its use as the new name of cricket.”

The worlds of rugby, snooker and Formula One are equally excited. Indeed, during a Grand Prix, the entire race in between the first and last laps will now be called a Democrat Shutdown, enabling fans to legitimately spend race day in the pub.

Meanwhile, the Shutdown has been resolved, at least for now. Since one effect of the Shutdown was to stop salary payments, the Democrats have relented sufficiently to allow them to be paid. Having made their point by exercising democracy, they now refuse to bear the responsibility that comes with it.

The Republicans made their way to the golf course to celebrate this victory. “Hitting a little white ball into a hole is a fitting metaphor for government,” said senator T. Off. ““It’s all about getting around quicker than the other chap.”

At least we now know what MAGA stands for. Make America Golf Again.

Springtime For Donald: The Trump Musical opens to rave reviews

The Donald Trump story is a fairy tale for the modern day. It is the fascinating account of how an egotistical man-ape with an IQ approaching double figures can fail his way to the top.

Springtime For Donald traces the career trajectory from small-time billionaire to President. It is truly a riches-to-riches story that cannot fail to warm the cockles of even the most hard-hearted Liberal.

The show opens with the feelgood overture “Springtime For Donald”, set on inauguration day. It then looks back over Trump’s dodgy deals, money laundering and bankruptcies. The plot hinges on the device that Trump, the eternal failure who doesn’t know the meaning of the word, would be guaranteed to lose a race to the White House. His impoverished backers, Mikhail Antonov and Vladimir Vladivostok, would then be able to make vast sums of money on the back of the deal.

The first half ends with the triumphant “Trump Is The Word”. This is accompanied by a full chorus, and a Busby Berkeley-style dance at the end of which the dancers spell the word “Trump!”. The curtain falls, and a lengthy game of crazy golf is played on stage during the interval.

The second half traces Trump’s presidency, as his backers scrabble with the reality of snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. “I was so careful!” exclaims Vladivostok. “I picked the wrong candidate, the wrong campaign, the wrong team. Where did I go RIGHT?”

The ballad “Golden Thrones, Golden Showers” follows, before the show-stopping “Fake News”. A brief moment of self-reflection with “Don’t Let The Sunbed Go Down On Me” segues into “My Way”. After a brief reprise of “Springtime For Donald”, the show ends with the audience singing along to “Make America Great Again” as Antonov and Vladivostok are dragged off to prison.

“This is a fantastic show,” said LCD’s Satirical Revues reviewer. “It gives hope to every failure hoping not to lead a major nation on the back of Daddy’s fortune. Catch it while you can!”

MInistry of Defence apologises after accidentally issuing a warning of incoming visit from Donald Trump

The Ministry of Defence was in an apologetic mood today after accidentally warning of an incoming visit from Donald Trump.

“He’s an unguided missile,” a spokesman for the MoD explained, “even before he was inaugurated we were setting up an early warning system. Just in case.

It was based on the premise that a weak and clueless prime minister would rush to embrace the orange monster, driven to by an isolationist political agenda, fuelled in part by xenophobia and a lot of ignorance, so it was clear holding hands with Trump would be on the agenda. He’s the perfect moral match.”

It seems the alert, accidentally issued via a megaphone gaffer taped to the top of an armoured personnel carrier, had the people living in the village of Bumbleberry-on-Sty freaked out.

“It was only a test of the system. The volume was supposed to be set to one on the dial, not all the way to eleven.

We’re very sorry for any alarmed caused. Although that’s what alarms are supposed to cause, of course.”

The one compensation of the alarming mishap is that it has proved the system does work, even if it interrupted the lock in session at Bumbleberry’s only pub.

“We were tempted to run the live test in central London, as it’s thought necessary to prepare the population of the capital for the sight of APC’s on the streets once the Brexit riots begin. It’s a good thing we didn’t.

We’re not sure Thames Water is ready for how Londoners would have reacted had they been informed, while a majority of the population was drunk, of the threat on an immediate incoming, unguided missile.”

”It’s good to have an early warning system to alert people to any incoming visit from this POTUS,” LCD’s defence analyst said, “We won’t get any extended warning as he’s too scared of people turning out in their millions to tell him to bugger off. I suspect the Queen is very glad she’ll get at least a few minutes warning that it’s finally time to abdicate!”

Testing of the system continues. If you hear the alarm broadcast you are advised to go outdoors and be ready to peacefully, democratically, quietly protest.

So, so quietly, as quiet as a mouse.

Covfefe.