Fresh concerns over the neurological wellbeing of Earth’s commander in thief today with the news that President Donald Trump has been diagnosed with brain spurs.
“The News is the result of a leak from the White House itself,” LCD Views’ only American correspondent reveals,
“shortly after 6am this morning I was handed a brown envelope by a man in a trench coat whose throat seemed to go down as far as the Marinara Trench.”
Our award winning correspondent (we give the awards to ourselves, we’re like the wine industry) says that in the mystery bag were several cheeseburger wrappers in a used condition. But also an x-ray of Donald Trump’s head and a short diagnosis.
”The diagnosis is not expected to impair the functioning of Trump while in office,” our man continues,
“as the chief symptoms are serial sexpest behaviour, boasting about said behaviour on tape, and still getting elected to office because apparently the world’s primary democracy doesn’t care about that enough.”
Other symptoms include a willingness to allegedly launder Russian mafia money through apparently legitimate casinos, which are closed under the pretence of bankruptcy once their purpose is fulfilled, and ‘telling it how he sees it’.
”That is potentially one of the more serious affects of brain spurs,” our correspondent notes,
“as it usually means validating the regressive attitudes of people who think being respectful and polite to others (PC) means they are less manly now.
Surprisingly cultural progression is not a threat, unless you’re inherently insecure and are willing to be taken for a ride by the same small percent of people who have purposefully impoverished your communities for personal gain.”
What other symptoms are anticipated?
”Starting a trade war with China,” he adds, “sure sign the spurs have fully replaced the temporal lobes with calcium and cartilige now.”
So a short term boost and then a death knell for the US steel industry?
”Possibly. Let’s do the 1930’s again. At least we can take comfort that President Trump won’t have to fight in any trade war, thanks to the diagnosis of brain spurs.”
In old days spurs were placed on roosters and then they would fight for money, but no one thinks President Trump is well enough endowed to get into a cock fight.