Mr Toad complains of a mole in Toad Hall

Toad Hall was rocked by a fresh scandal last night as a mystery individual released an anonymous statement to the Riverside Times, blasting the current owner of Toad Hall, Mr Toad, accusing him of gross instability.

The article details Mr Toad’s obsession with motor cars, claiming that he has a dangerous driver. This is borne out by verified statistics that he has crashed seven cars in a matter of months, all through speeding, of which three put him in hospital.

Mr Toad has reacted to these claims in what has by now become his customary manner, on twitter. He issued the following tweet on the subject:

“Me, crash motor cars? Fake news. I’m the safest driver you’ll ever meet. And fast – so fast, I’ll drive you home after lunch and you’ll be there safe and sound before it starts digesting, poop-poop!”

The identity of the alleged mole has not been confirmed, but the chief suspects are Mr Badger, Mole and Ratty.

All three had something to say on the matter. Mole told the press:

“It’s disgusting. The story comes out that there’s a mole in Toad Hall and straight away everybody assumes it’s me just because I’m a mole. Well, yes, I am a mole, but I’m not the mole, I’m not that kind of mole!”

Badger shrugged his shoulders and said:

“I don’t know or care who it is, what he’s saying about Toad is perfectly true, so I’m 100% behind him. Toad is unfit for the high status he has been accorded, and needs to be taught a lesson.”

Ratty meanwhile said:

“We’ve all tried getting Toady to relax, but every time he hears a car horn, he gets an adrenaline rush. We’re considering taking drastic action.”

The remaining suspects are all weasels, who have been behaving in a rather shifty manner of late. There is rumour abound that some of them have been talking about taking over Toad Hall, but this rumour is as yet unsubstantiated. In any event, it looks like the next few weeks could very well land Mr Toad in hot water.

Donald Trump lists White House on AirBnB to help fund legal defence

President Donald Trump has underlined in bold his reputation, already in italics, for business acumen today with his tweet announcing he has listed the White House on famed app AirBnB.

”So, so, so many rooms. Just the GRATEST ROOMS,” 45 tweeted early this morning, “All FRSHELY PAINTED in red, white and blue paint. Great prices. To DIE FOR PRICES.”

The motivation for listing the White House is believed to be obvious.

”The President’s credit rating is plummeting faster than his poll rating after he didn’t miss the latest opportunity to trash a veteran,” seasoned White House watcher, Mr Pepper, told LCD Views.

“It’s believed even sanctioned Russian banks may soon decide he’s too big a risk to launder money through and just stick to shoving it all in the London property market.”

This has led to concerns amongst the Trump family about how to pay for what will soon be an avalanche of legal shit breaking across their door stoop.

”In the series of tweets advertising the rooms in the White House for short term rent via AirBnB, Trump explains most of them are empty rooms anyway.”

Just the most boring rooms to sit in. National security meetings. Environmental planning. Economic management.

”They give me the ZZZZ’s,” Trump joshed, “and I don’t mean the ZZ Tops! I fall asleep in these rooms all the time if I don’t get a DIET COKE fast enough. So if I can sleep in them, why can’t everyone?”

If the move is successful there are further plans to place a TRUMP Tower sign across the famous White House and just turn it into a proper hotel in the brand.

AirBnB haven’t commented yet on the listing, although they are understood to be under pressure already by whiny, little snowflakes over Trump’s extensive list of the types of people who will not be allowed to book a room.

”Everyone is making money off me being bored to death in the Oval Office. Why can’t I do it to? It’s the only reason I wanted to get elected! And you never know you’re luck. If you stay in one of MY SPECIAL ROOMS…I may just visit you in the night.”

Nigel Farage denies ever having met Donald Trump

LCD Views can report this morning that man of the people Nigel Farage has issued a statement denying ever having met President Donald Trump.

In the statement, written in Cyrillic and read out aloud via a translator on Mr Farage’s hourly BBC bulletin, the champion of British democracy attempted to squash suggestions he was personally known to the forty fifth president of the United States of America, who appears to be having some minor legal issues.

Why Mr Farage had someone else read out his statement and didn’t personally do it is not clear, but is presumed to be related to him frenetically packing a bag and trying to book a flight to anywhere.

We spoke to a world renowned psychologist who specialises in adult male relationships, coincidentally focused on organised crime and conspiracies in international statecraft, to learn more about the attempt to create distance.

”Nigel is working on the tried and tested formula of treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen,” Doctor Whatthefuckisthisdoyouhaveitinamedium? told us via a secure Skype connection,

“he believes that Mr Trump will be in need of friends right now. Nigel is also in need of friends. He’s hoping that by allegedly publicly lying about his alleged work as a go-between in an international kleptocratic, fascist conspiracy to turn the U.K. and USA into countries with feudal systems of government focused on money laundering and far right politics it will lead to Mr Trump reaching out to him to shore up his own position as the long arm of the law encircles Trump ever more tightly. Although it’s more likely Trump is just going to throw Mr Farage and anyone else he can think of under a bus as he spirals down insane into the pit he’s spent a lifetime digging.”

What you’ve said Doctor is mostly a jumble of nonsense except for the ending. Do you think it’s feasible that when the long arm of the law has finished encircling Trump and holding him tight the fingertips will brush Nigel’s shoulders?

”Highly probable the nails will dig right in actually,” the Doctor replied, “and grip and drag Nigel down wailing and screaming into a legal abyss focused on treason along with certain other prominent Brexiters.”

You can already see the mini-series on TV.

”Yes. Which is nice, because otherwise it would have been the face of Big Brother.”

We would like to personally wish Mr Farage luck and hope his butt checks aren’t currently clenched so tight as to cause him injury.

Top Trumps releases Trump only Top Trumps set

The popular children’s card game company Top Trumps has announced that it is to launch a new set containing only cards featuring DONALD TRUMP.

“We toyed with the idea of a set featuring all the members of his extended Trump family but we realised that in every single imaginable category Donald was the smartest, the richest, the bigliest, the mostest, the topliest and the bestest, so why bother with the rest of them,” explained  company CEO Mike “only 50” Pence.

Pence conceded that with the new DONALD TRUMP Top Trumps set only containing cards featuring DONALD TRUMP it will be impossible for any one player to win.

“Then again, no one loses – it’s a win-win situation just like the Trump presidency,” he explained pointing to the record popularity of the former reality TV host and property mogul turned president.

“Hardly a day goes by without some current or former senior staffer being called to meet with that Mr Mueller, some are even wanted by the Police and the FBI – that’s how popular this administration is,” he added.

In fact Pence explained that given the anticipated popularity of the DONALD TRUMP Top Trumps set, the companies planning to rush release a second set of TRUMP HATE FIGURES.

“Crooked Hilary, the lying fake media, Mexicans, Obama, Little Rocket man, Liberals, snowflakes, Blacks, Muslims, they’ll all be in there. The only challenge is to find suitable categories for them to compete on,” he explained.

“Other than the intensity of The President’s hatred of them of course,” he added winking.

Back on! MAGA! Donald Trump’s cancelled military parade to be held in Moscow’s Red Square

Great news for true American potatriots  with the announcement by the Kremlin that Deputy President Donald Trump’s cancelled military parade is to be held in Moscow’s Red Square!

Speaking on the White House lawn today, Trump’s Russian handler made the announcement in front of a bussed in crowd of KKK members and assorted racists who don’t even know they’re being played by an international clique of neocon kleptocrats and assorted fascists. And if they do know, well, I don’t suppose reminding them we had a whole world war about this, and everyone was invited, will do much good.

”Following the disgraceful cancellation of esteemed Russian stooge, Donald Trump’s, glorious military parade by traitor Robert Mueller, Vladimir Putin has decided to continue to make America grate.”

The parade will be timed with the entire Trump family’s flight to Russia to claim political asylum, one day before the special prosecutor finally tears up the turf of Trump’s money laundering empire to expose just how many god damned roubles he’s into the Kremlin for.

”We are going to have just the greatest parade ever held in Moscow for an American President,” the handler reassured, “just the greatest parade. So, so big. We’ve got the biggest cardboard missiles for Mr Trump to lead across the square. Just the greatest. MAGA! Lock her up! Fake news! Get me a cheeseburger now!”

Rumours that North Korea had also offered to hold the parade have been denied, but are probably true.

Deputy President Donald Trump couldn’t be contacted for comment. He was in the toilet, with an unsecured mobile phone, tweeting insanities for future historians to puzzle over, if there’s still a liveable planet left for them to puzzle on after Trump and all the other sociopathic climate change denying pricks are finished with it.

Donald Trump denies revoking Vladimir Putin’s Whitehouse security clearance

Widespread relief today at the confirmation that President Donald Trump has denied revoking President Vladimir Putin’s Whitehouse security clearance.

”FAKE KNEWS!!!,!!!” 45 wrote on Twitter, during his morning toilet meeting with himself, “The lieing MSM wants you to beleive there is love lost between myself and my GOOD FIEND Mister PUT-IN. It is a lye. There is no love lost. NON.”

It was a timely rebuttal that settled nerves in the world’s diplomatic circles after nocturnal reports that Mr Trump had indeed revoked Mr Putin’s security clearance.

”Mister President Putin is still welcome to enter the Whitehouse and walk straight into the Oval Office whenever he pleases,” Sarah Huckabee confirmed, while not taking questions from the press,

“and if he can’t personally attend a meeting with Donald then any of the high level spies, informants or honey trap agents in his employ are welcome in his place,

”And if they are unable to personally promote Mr Putin’s agenda with our President than the unsecured mobile phones he uses can still be activated as listening devices. No one has anything to fear.”

Welcome clarification.

”Every former high ranking, and many serving top level US intelligence agents and administrative officials are banned on security grounds, but, and this is very important, Mr Putin is not, and never will be, on that list. You can not just bad mouth Donald’s paymaster and expect to waltz around the halls of power any longer.”

Not if 45 has anything to say about it.

”And this is nothing to do with any pee tapes. We know Trump’s base will just lap those up anyway. It’s to do with rewarding loyalty to your friends.”

And not your country?

”God Save The Security Clearance.”

Donald Trump has the time written down on a piece of paper

The latest White House press conference was abandoned today after a seemingly innocuous question brought proceedings to a complete standstill. The question in question came, innocently enough, from one Terence Blue-Bottell, attached to Fox News.

“What time is it Donald?”

In response, the Donald pulled a piece of paper from his jacket pocket, and waved it up high in the air, and announced that he had written it down for himself that morning so he wouldn’t forget, and if anyone asked him the time, he could just show them this. Whereupon he looked at the piece of paper and announced that it was 8 o’clock.

I checked my own watch, which said it was 2pm. A lot of others did the same, and got roughly the same result, give or take maybe five minutes either way.

At this point, another of my colleagues, one Henry Crun, asked Mr Trump what he did when the time wasn’t 8 o’clock.

“That’s easy, I just don’t show them.”

So now asked Mrs Minnie Bannister, did he know when it was 8 o’clock?

“Hey, I got it written down on a piece of paper, what more do you want?”

Several of the attendant press corps then demanded to inspect the paper. Trump refused, explaining that this was too important a document to be allowed into the hands of ordinary mortals like ourselves.

At this point, a Mr Dennis Bloodnok asked if the piece of paper was ticking.

“What, like a bomb you mean? Of course it isn’t, you can’t make a bomb out of a piece of paper, that’s just stupid.”

This drew a small laugh from his cronies, but a stony silence from everybody else.

It quickly became apparent that the piece of paper was the only thing anyone was going to ask him about, at which point Mr Trump called the conference to a close and stormed out of the room in a huff. All because he had the time on a piece of paper.

The scary thing was, he believed it.

Mumm-Ra asks to be sealed back inside black sarcophagus as there is too much evil even for him

Archaeologists this week got rather more than they baragined for as they opened a black sarcophagus that had been sealed for millennia.

Investigating the ruins of what appeared to be an onyx pyramid, the team discovered the ancient tomb standing upright inside a giant replica of a skull, close to a stagnant pool of water.

The minute the seal was broken on the ancient coffin, the lid was flung out from inside, and out flew a scrawny blue being wrapped in bandages and wearing a red cloak. It flew around the ruins and declared, “wherever evil exists, Mumm-Ra lives!”

The archaeologists observed this being with some trepidation, as they had understandably not expected to find anything living inside the box. Expedition leader Jack Allman finally plucked up the courage to ask the creature who or what it was. This strange creature cackled hoarsely, and explained that its name was Mumm-Ra, and that it was the embodiment of all the evil in the world.

It then flew to the pool, and the archaeologists watched in terrified fascination as it then chanted:

“Ancient spirits of evil, transform this decayed form to Mumm-Ra The Ever Living!”

In a flash, the bandages flew off, the cloak changed shape to become a pair of wings, and Mumm-Ra himself grew in size, becoming about three or four feet taller and rippling with muscles. He then flew off, still cackling, and saying something about looking for something called the Eye of Thundera, which made about as much sense to the archaeologists as the rest of it.

That would have been the end of matters, the archaeological team from SlitheCorp would have just dismissed it as a mass hallucination and pretended that it never happened until a few minutes later, the being flew right back to them again and begged to be re-sealed inside his stony tomb.

Jack Allman continues:

“We couldn’t believe it either time. First he escapes, cackling insanely, then he flies back begging to be locked away again”

It turned out that Mumm-Ra had flown around the world looking to conquer it, headed for places of power, gone straight to the White House, taken one look at Donald Trump and decided that there was too much evil there even for him.

“We protested that the sarcophagus was too valuable a find to abandon,” Jack Allman added, “but then we all suddenly felt the breath leaving our bodies, and he was clearly doing it, so we agreed to get someone in who could do that.”

Engineer Lionel Rowe was flown in where he immediately set to work on fusing the two pieces of the sarcophagus back together. He described the events thus:

“It was strange, deliberately working to seal someone up. I felt like a murderer, until the creature explained that he had been existing inside it for thousands of years. I got a recording of it on my phone just to make sure I wasn’t imagining the whole thing, and then did it. Finally it was sealed, and we buried the sarcophagus as deeply as we could, again at his request. He said he hopes the next time he is released, the earth will have slightly less evil in it, because even he has his limits.”

So there you have it. Truth or myth? We don’t know. It’s easy to dismiss something like this as impossible, but the haunted look on Jack Allman’s face didn’t look faked.

They did tell us where to look for the sarcophagus, but advised strongly against it. As the choice of results for going there was between unleashing evil on the world and looking like fools for believing, we decided not to chance it.

Trump warns Montenegro to cancel plans for global domination

Serial real-estate bankrupt, and 45th president of the United States Donald Trump Thursday issued a stern warning to the tiny Balkan republic of Montenegro, to reel in its plans for total global domination.

“We’ve had all kinds of problems with uppity negrans in America, there was one family in my house – we’re still cleaning the mess they left –  peaced everywhere. The last thing we want is more negran problems in Europe,” he warned.

“This is what happens when you have uncontrolled immigration, millions of negrans migrate to Europe and start their own countries,” he said.

“How did they get away with that – no one really knows, it’s kind of a mystery..” he explained, pointing out that moving north out of Africa had brought out their natural aggression.

“Montenegro is a tiny country with very strong people … They’re very aggressive people. They may get aggressive, and congratulations, you’re in world war three,” he cautioned explaining that you can tell the difference between Mountienegrans and or’nry negrans by the wide brimmed pointed hats and red tunics they wear.

“Like Canadians in disguise… lucky we built a wall and stopped them from crossing the border,” he smirked explaining that he had instructed his sons Donald Junior, Eric, Barron and Adolf never to go there.

“Blame…Canada…Africa…Montenegro…they’re the axis of evil, or at least that’s what my good friend Vladimir tells me to say” he warned darkly, apparently unaware that Montenegro is in Europe, its 630,000 population mostly speak Serbo-Croat and their 2,000 strong military would have trouble invading a house party.

The Editor Comments – if you think this attempt at satire is absurd, chew on this: One of these “quotes” is genuine. Trump really did warn that Montenegro could start WW3.

And, of course, promised that non of his sons, who all suffer from hereditary bone spurs, would be fighting in it..

Alien visiting USA says he misspoke and meant to say “Do not take me to your leader” after meeting Trump

LCD Views has heard exclusively from an alien, visiting the United States from a distant galaxy, today who wishes to explain to everyone,

”When I said take me to your leader, what I actually meant to say was DO NOT, under no circumstances, take me to meet that lying, treasonous, Cheeto faced shitgibbon.”

It seems the alien, who gives his name as E.T., decided to revisit the Earth to discuss a sequel to a famous documentary he filmed on Earth nearly forty years ago.

”I didn’t think the documentary showed aliens in an accurate light,” E.T. explains,

“all the time I spent discussing how the greys are secretly on Earth, and have been for a very long time, solely to conduct internal examinations of white men who live in rural areas of the USA, all that was completely cut out,

”I was pretty unimpressed when the television signals finally reached my home planet and I got a look at the movie. I decided I had to return and demand the full story gets told.”

And it seems E.T. assumed that the film maker in question would be running the States by now and so landed on the White House lawn.

”I don’t know if you’ve seen the tape of me stepping out of the spaceship this morning and saying take me to your leader?”

We have.

”Yeah, that was when I misspoke. I mean we’ve got some crazy looking critters out in deep space. Also some downright deranged life forms roaming about. But nothing compares to whatever that insane orange mass is that’s currently pretending to be human in the Oval Office.”