NATIONAL DISASTER! Grayling inserts RETURNED piece of STONEHENGE into MONUMENT and the entire bloody thing explodes

DIY WRONG : The Government is truly in the CRAP again today after an experiment to make Brexit work went wrong, as everything Brexit always does.

“Shortly before 5am this morning officers of DExEU’s armed wing intercepted a piece of Stonehenge being returned to the UK, on the understanding it would be restored in the famous monument by careful archaeologists,” a Downing Street spokesman informed the press, “It is understood the prime minister decided to overrule the British Museum and entrust her Transport Secretary with the honour, because of all his efforts to make her look good.”

Chris Grayling apparently readily accepted the honour, dressed like the villain priest from Raiders of the Lost Arc (the better to complete the ceremony) and proceeded to Wiltshire.

“It appears all was going well until Mr Grayling began an incantation while inserting the piece of stone into Stonehenge,” the spokesman explained to a pale faced press corp, “it’s unclear exactly what language Mr Grayling used, but it was inflamma-tory. He later claimed the spell was designed to harness the power of the ancient stone to make Brexit work. This is when things went wrong and the entire bloody thing exploded.”

Additional reports suggest the government intended to blame Gavin Williamson for this, by saying he had directed the army to let him conduct a live fire exercise in the area, but that spin was abandoned when they remembered they’d already fired him as payback for something else.

“We would like to reassure the public that although Stonehenge is gone, Chris Grayling was unhurt by his latest disaster and walked away whistling, as he always does, regardless of the scale of the calamity he leaves behind. As big a mystery as Stonehenge is, we mean, was.”

Maidenhead council erects controversial statue in tribute to serving prime minister

Maidenhead council has decided to honour its MP and serving Prime Minister in the best possible way. A statue of Theresa May will be erected in the town centre. The plans have already aroused strong feelings, and the debate is set to rage for an indefinite length of time.

The statue was created by local sculptor, Charl Atan. Atan was selected after an extensive search, cost-benefit analysis and due diligence performed by Chris Grayling. Atan received over £33m for his work, although it was later disclosed that it was worth virtually nothing.

It comprises a lifelike image of May, in lifelike grey, on a 1970s pattern Dalek pedestal. To illustrate her flimsy hold on power, it will be delicately balanced on ten Irish fossils.

The location is a big sticking point. Initial plans to locate it inside the town’s main car park have foundered, mainly because the local archaeologists want to excavate it in case there is a king buried there. So instead, it will be placed on Maidenhead High Street, outside the fudge shop.

Physicist Newton Slaws did a quick calculation, and gave LCD Views his verdict. “It’s all a bit weak and wobbly,” he said. “Even though it quotes one of her famous catchphrases, ‘Strong and stable’, I expect it to topple over almost daily.”

Geologist Luke Atrox criticised the materials used in its construction. “Whatever it is, it crumbles to dust under the slightest pressure,” he said. “Oddly enough, the next morning it has reformed, only to crumble away again.”

Town planner Bill Tenvironment was puzzled. “It has been placed in the middle of the road, causing an obstruction,” he said. “Nothing can move in the town centre, yet the statue has resisted all attempts to move it.”

The statue is likely to be a major attraction in Maidenhead. Of particular interest is the dedication, which reads “Let me be entirely clear about this. F@dge w8fle mea#dfuigle$$ r*f*r*nd*m d?l&v;r Brexit.”

Man too busy counting money gullible idiots gave him to go marching

We have breaking news today that a man is too busy counting money given to him by gullible (ham based) idiots to go marching.

“I’d love to go the whole hog,” the man said, in between guffaws, “but I’ve all these fifty pound notes to count. I’m like a pig in a trough. Imagine giving someone a bullseye to walk on a public path you could walk on for free? Ha! You know what they say about a fool and his money.”

There will still be a smattering of gammon rolling down from Sunderland to London however, with many miles on a coach, (between episodes of ambling disorientated like blind men in a dark room with a blindfold on ordered to punch themselves in the eyes until they’re too swollen to be of any use while shouting their bank details out with log ins to anyone who’s listening), to show how serious they are about becoming impoverished and losing hard won rights so rich men can get fatter.

“Next march I’m going to literally ask for the shirt off their backs, because a few will give them to me,” he added, “although if it’s in July it could be risky. All those gammon could turn into crackling. They’re so salty and so cut up, they wouldn’t stand a chance. Then they can eat each other’s backs as they trundle along a B road. Pint of warm lager in one hand, fag in mouth, someone else’s crackled bag in your fingers? That’s the taste of sovereignty right there.”

And we can be reassured that although the man who theoretically organised, and was presumed to lead the pork derivative crusade, won’t be there except at the beginning and the end, the BBC will probably give it excellent coverage.

“Get me on a lump of turf shouting at Brussels and it’s wall to wall,” the man chuckled, almost as if he was part of some establishment conspiracy, “put nearly a million people on the streets of London? Let’s replay Dambusters!”

Whopper mortgage meal deals! High street bank now offers mortgages to buy burgers at M4 services

Burger King are set to revolutionise motoring cuisine with the announcement of an enticing tie-up with a high street bank to offer mortgages, strictly for the purchase of burgers at M4 MOTO services.

“It’ll make a change from advertising impotence cures in the toilets on the services,” our motoring expert, Mr Eight Cylinder, says, “at least in the gents. I’m not sure what they advertise in the ladies? Maybe the same?”

It’s believed the bank saw an opening after one of its mortgage brokers actually bought a Double Cheese Smokey Bacon Triple Bun Artery Buster meal deal at the Membury Services on the M4.

“They credit scored him before putting the order through to the kitchen,” Mr Cylinder says, “and at that moment he knew that the price was now so out of reach for most people, unless, and here’s the key point, it could be paid off over twenty five years.”

The mortgages will be processed quickly, normally only entailing a wait of two or three hours before approval.

“People who already have good equity in bricks and mortar will be approved immediately, with their home used to secure the burger mortgage in case of default.”

But what about people who are renting?

“Well, you understand this is a trial offer, which is why it’s only available on the M4 outlets to start. But there is an expectation to offer it to people without equity in a property later, so long as they have children that can inherit the debt.”

The move by Burger King is expected to be taken as an aggressive act by other fast food outlets and it’s likely that McDonalds, KFC and others will soon be seeking tie ups with banks to offer similar deals.

“It’s incredibly clever,” Mr Eight Cylinder observes, “now not only the meal and memory of the cost can repeat on you long after consumption, but the repayments will too!”

Ryanair passengers dumped in mid Atlantic and told to swim home

Passengers on a Ryanair flight from New York to Stanstead were Wednesday surprised to find themselves ejected from their plane over the mid Atlantic and told to swim home.

“We were dragged from our seats, handed plastic single-use parachutes and forcibly ejected through the rear door,” complained Winetta Windrush 27, still dripping from her 433 mile swim to the west coast of Ireland.

“And worst of all there was no relief bus to pick us up after we reached the coast,” she wailed explaining that those who managed to survive the freezing waters had been obliged to pay their own way back to London.

A spokesman for Ryanair explained that the decision to eject half the passengers on the flight had been taken following a sudden spike in jet fuel prices.

“Fuel surcharges are one of the conditions listed in the small print on Ryanair tickets, and cutting load in mid flight is standard practice for conserving fuel  for the return leg,” she explained, denying that those ejected had all been selected due to their ethnic minority backgrounds.

“The fact that those “down transferred” all had funny names and didn’t include any fat, racist bigots wearing “white power” t-shirts is purely coincidental,” she explained pointing out that those ejected had all been seated on “ultra economy budget seats”.

“The ones that resemble upturned milk crates, but aren’t,” she added.

Cornered by an intrepid LCD views reporter while being carried by turbaned slaves in a sedan chair from his diamond encrusted penthouse office suite in Dublin’s billionaire quarter, to his solid gold Bentley Continental, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leery denied that dumping passengers in mid Atlantic to save on fuel was in any way unethical.

“Bollix to yez all. Dem fockers should be grateful we gave them milk crates to sit on for half the flight. Dats more dan dey’ll be getting after yer Brexit, to be sure,” he leered, leerily.


Large sea monster appearing off Blackpool coast is nothing to do with fracking, confirms Cuadrilla

Blackpool is bracing for an exciting short term future after a large sea monster appeared off the coast on Monday.

“Shortly after breakfast, but before morning tea break on Monday, a large lizard rose out of the sea and began shouting obscenities at the town of Blackpool,” our large sea monster correspondent, Mr Magoo, reports, “at first it seemed the gigantic lizard was drunk and trying to get directions back to the Sea of Japan, but it soon became clear it was after other matters when it didn’t order an Uber.”

People standing on the famous seafront, and some running away screaming, reported the sea monster was more legible in its speech than it appeared at first.

”After it had cleared its throat it was quite civil really,” Doris, up for the day and present at the time commented, “mostly he was about getting the fcuking fracking stopped. You know, the environmentalists in government have encouraged their chums to smash endocrine destroying chemicals into the water table in Lancashire so they can make a quick buck before we all die from climate change. Which is nice, to look after your friends in business like that.”

But a spokesman for Environmental Secretary Michael Gove’s office was having none of it.

”It’s not the fracking that’s causing all the fracking earthquakes,” the spokesman said, “it’s the bloody hippies jumping up and down in protest what’s doing it. We’re going to arrest the lot so modern Britain can go on being part of the race to the bottom in all notable categories. Like the sea. Our good friends in Cuadrilla are very distressed to be blamed when it’s clearly nothing whatsoever to do with blasting the shit under pressure out of the rocks in the ground.”

The sea monster is expected to make land later today. Michael Gove is expected to accompany the owners of Cuadrilla in running far, far away.

Transport Secretary revealed to be Grayling replacement service

As disgraced transport operator Virgin Trains distributes an obscene sum in dividends, LCD Views attempted to contact the Transport Secretary for comment. His office gave us the following message: “The Transport Secretary is currently off the rails. Instead, we are operating a Grayling Replacement Service.”

Further investigation revealed that the Grayling replacement service turned up at approximately the right place, although often late. This no-frills service meant that the standards expected of the Grayling, like coherent policies and informed comment, were entirely absent.

Searching for clarity, we spoke to railway analyst Tommy Tank. “The Grayling has been AWOL for far too long,” remarked Tank. “Since his appointment as Transport Secretary in July 2016, he has been in the sidings awaiting an essential upgrade.”

This applies to his previous incarnations as well, claims Tank. For example, he spent his time as Minister of State for Employment on the sick.

Tank, however, had no answer to the dividends paid by an operator who had simultaneously cost the taxpayer £2.3bn, so we tried asking the Grayling replacement service. “Nothing to do with me,” the service said. “There is no loss to taxpayers at this time, and how a private company manages its finances is not up to me.”

But, we argued, therefore the taxpayer should not be expected to bail out a failing franchise? “Privatisation cannot be allowed to fail!” said the service. “Look, are you getting on? Do you want me to take you for a ride, or not?”

Declining the chance to go somewhere we didn’t want to go, we were nonetheless hauled on board. Half of the fellow passengers were ecstatic, the other half wanted to get off but had been strapped in anyway. The driver waved her cycling proficiency certificate proudly, closed her eyes and shouted, “Welcome to the Mystery Tour!”

And off we went, slowly and with many changes of direction, but inexorably towards the buffers…

Irish border issue resolved after red line on the map redrawn as a dotted line

The Irish border. That pesky Red Line. One of the biggest sticking points in the Brexit negotiations. The harder the Brexit, the harder the border. So how can you have an Irish border that is both there and not there? Simple. You redraw it as a broken line.

All sides insist that the border must remain open and frictionless. But any Brexit worthy of the name necessarily includes a land border between the UK and the EU. So the border must be both there and not there. You might say it’s neither here or there, but it’s most definitely there.

The solution came from an unlikely source. Physical geographer Dr Shannon Estuary explains. “All borders are artificial, to some extent,” she said. “In many cases, they are simply red lines drawn on to a map, often in an arbitrary manner. The British are past masters at drawing borders. To stop the red line becoming an obstacle, you can simply rub bits out and leave a dotted line.”

Dr Estuary clarifies how neat this solution is. “It means you can have a hard border where you want it to be hard, and frictionless transit in between!” she boasted. “A solution Boris Johnson himself would be proud of.”

It would give the border a whole new look, she emphasised. “It would mean a shake-up,” she said. “The border would wiggle up and down like a snake. It would be above ground in some places, below in others, but most definitely present throughout its whole length!”

Construction would be problematic, she concedes. “However, since the UK is so determined to kick out unskilled European tradesmen, the Republic would have to take them in, and make them build the dotted border,” she said. “We wouldn’t need to pay them, call it a thank-you for allowing them to scrounge off us for so long.”

So long, and thanks for all the bricks.

Grayling authorises third runway at Heathrow for the exclusive use of Boris Johnson

Secretary of State for Magnificent Failures Chris Grayling has revealed his true motivation in authorising the third runway at Heathrow airport. It is to allow his esteemed colleague Boris Johnson to fly in and out of the country in his private jet whenever he feels the need.

“It’s a no-brainer,” Grayling boasted in a conversation overheard by LCD’s Phone-Tapping correspondent. “Boris needs to go to foreign parts, as he is Foreign Secretary. His latest mission was in secret, to France, to pick up an early consignment of blue passports. Just to keep on the right side of the law. You can’t be too careful, some of the backbenchers are starting to get suspicious.”

“Failing” Grayling went on to justify the expense as a “Brexit benefit”, although he didn’t specify how a private runway for a prominent buffoon would boost the economy.

“Off-railing” Grayling boasted about his other recent success, the train from Newcastle to Reading that took a wrong turn, and ended up in Manchester. “I am very pro-choice,” he bragged. “There is no reason why trains should not be released from the tyranny of signalmen, and choose their own destiny. Manchester is a much more exciting and vibrant place than Reading, even if it is in the North.”

The use of taxpayers’ money for Johnson’s plane has not yet been authorised. However, terrified Tories will be whipped until they approve it. Labour will mount stiff resistance by abstaining, and allow Boris his private jet by default.

“I’m delighted with the news,” said a beaming Boris. “What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, as Nanny used to say. Now is the summer of my great content. I’m most fantangulously combobulated!”

Until the plane arrives, Boris will just have to make do with a zip wire.

The only remaining uncertainty is the location of the runway. It may be detached from Heathrow for convenience. After all, there are several poor areas of London not far from Westminster which are ripe for being concreted over.

“It’s better to have no rail service, than a bad rail service” Grayling hits back at whingers

“Timetable means timetable,” Secretary of State for Transport Chris Grayling stated earlier today to a press conference, that only featured his pet cocker spaniel in the audience.

The press briefing was a little forced as Mr Grayling is instinctively shy when involved in any area of government that he has been given responsibility for and immediately screwed up. Which of course means that Mr Grayling is always inherently shy.

“And we are going to get the best timetable possible for Britain,” he added, as the spaniel raced around the room like a child who’s had two litres of coke, “a timetable that works for all of our citizens, whether they are based offshore, or even further offshore.”

The move to reassure the travelling public, and the private individuals benefiting from a set of publicly subsidised, localised monopolies was timely, even if his dog was the only person to hear it first hand.

When questioned in a series of high pitched yelps what he was going to do to improve the staggering collapse of service with the introduction of the new timetable last Monday, Mr Grayling was adamant.

“It’s better to have no timetable than a bad timetable,” to that end, “we will be removing from service all those parts of the timetable that are proving unworkable due to interference from time itself, it seems, then we will restructure time so it works with our aspirations.”

So life as we know it will end? If you’re to be involved in restructuring how time itself operates?

“No time is better than a bad time.”

And you’re going to improve the lives of people stranded by cancelled and delayed trains by cancelling even more trains?

“No train is better than a bad train.”

He’s a deep pool.

“No pool is better than a bad pool.”

And if Mr Grayling is involved in any pool, we’re always in at the deep end, just look at this serial incompetent’s time in office. The man with the Midas touch.