Category: Global Britain

TRANSIT INTRANSIGENCE: All out problems could be over, if only the EU would fall into line with England and the English Empire, claims Jacob Rees-Mogg. Their pettifogging insistence on imposing their silly little foreign rules is causing hold-ups to Great British Commerce. It is also costing huge amounts of money that could be more usefully diverted into the war chests of England’s feudal overlords.

The English Empire is vast and all-powerful. It consists of the Square Mile in London, selected smart London districts such as Park Lane and Mayfair. It incorporates the many pockets of English Acreage held by the Landed Gentry, whose ancestors stole it from the native Britons in 1066. Just over the Border, the Empire includes the Vassal States of Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. Logic dictates that the remainder of Ireland is de facto part of the Empire. Beyond these fine green swathes lie the Sceptic Isles of Gibraltar, Malta, Atlantis, and the Falklands, all of which had the good sense to split from mainland Europe long ago.

It makes perfect sense that the EU should bow down and pay homage in the face of such might.

“The continued intransigence of the EU is costing them dear,” said Rees-Mogg in his familiar 19th century accent. “Their refusal to accept the superiority of England, our England, prevents them from basking in English Sovereignty. They cannot share our fish, our sparkling clean waters, our cheap food, or our low-price energy. Do they not know that Britannia rules the waves? Do they not speak in strange dialects, derived from the Mother Tongue, which they use to denigrate their superiors?”

Ultimately, there is only one solution: the Final Solution.

“We must make them bow down,” said Rees-Mogg. “There can be no dissent. We will fight them on the beaches, lay down our towels, and make sure every European town sells weak fizzy lager and fish & chips. There is no alternative!”

CLUCKING MAD : It’s not hard to trace the downfall of a once great empire, and no, we are not talking about our mad prodigal son The (so called) United States of America.

Sadly we are talking about a peoples whose mighty ancestors turned the map a joyous pink for centuries, and taught savage foreigners everything worth knowing. From the value of the well educated clerk in good governance, and the railway. Today foreginers still continue with these vital facets of rule but fail to give credit where it’s due. Just look at the European attitude to Barry and Barb from Southgate attempting to bring a little cheer to the dreariness of the Costa del Sol!

To pinpoint where it all started going wrong for Mighty Britannia one simply has to look at the first battle won by the Woke mob. If you think they started screeching their naive concept of “Just stop treating people you don’t know like pricks” in the last decade is to ignore how long the damp rot has been rising in our foundations.

The chicken. That great British bird the Romans once invaded our noble shores to secure, this was the first place the enemies of the people on the inside struck.

It’s a simple and logical assessment. When hens were kept in tiny cages and given total licence to do what they do naturally, produce pale yokes and thin shells by the masses, Britain was a powerhouse. But once our nation’s once sensible poulterers were tricked into letting them run wild in the pasture doing sod all but wait for handouts the downfall was certain. Soon childbirth rates were plummeting and coal, that great fuel that powered our homes, was scorned in favour of foreign renewables.

Suez. Leyland. The virtual extinction of the bowler hat. And so much else besides followed.

Only when we get those little feathered servants back in the chicken wire cages and build the modern factories Britain needs to be once again be a world leading exporter of whatever, only then will we be able to hold our heads high and cry “Who rules the waves?”.

A purely rhetorical question.

RACE TO THE BOTTOM : Exciting news for fans of iconic Great British sporting contests today with the announcement that the 2024 Oxford Cambridge boat race, aka The Boat Race, will still go ahead, in spite of The Thames now being a heaving pit of sewage swill that would make a Victorian blush.

There had been concerns that the race would be postponed until sometime after the Tories leave office, mostly because of the guarantee of numerous future Prime Ministers catching E. coli poisoning if any of the Oxbridge competitors actually came into physical contact with The Thames. But sanity has prevailed.

“The UK is a world leader in communication technology,” a spokesman claiming to talk for the organisers told LCD Views, “ever since the invention of the first punt we’ve shown the world how to accelerate the transfer of vital information. Post-Brexit Britain is continuing in that vein.”

It seems Zoom will take part in The Boat Race for the first time, at the insistence of 10 Downing Street.

“No one wants to give the wokerati remoaning contingent the pleasure of cancelling such a famous British tradition just because the post-Brexit freedom to choose how much raw shit we fill our waterways with has led to it being an epic and life threatening amount of shit,” the spokesman continued. “So we’ve decided to have both teams take their canoes home and row in their living rooms. The competitors will be able to see each other over a Zoom call link. That way the healthy spirit of competition will be alive and swimming. A judging panel will decide whether Oxford or Cambridge mimes rowing the hardest and the winner chosen accordingly.”

For the first time too the event will have corporate sponsorship with Thames Water understood to be providing the funding for the Zoom call.

“It’s our way of giving something back to the community in exchange for all the billions we’ve siphoned off in dividends,” Thames Water said, “well, apart from gastrointestinal complaints and dead fish.”

LOSING YOUR MARBLES: Former Prone Monster Boris Johnsons has given his view on the row over the Elgin Marbles. In his usual diplomatic way, he has offered them in a game of winner takes all.

“If the Greek PM wants the Marbles, he’s going to have to bally well win the buggers back!” blustered Johnson in his usual measured manner. “He can come over here and we will have a jolly good game of Elgin Marbles! I was World Champion Chief Marbles Wrangler in my lower fourth days, I’ll have you know, yes indeed, erm, well, they called me Quod Effat Demon-Stacker, when I wasn’t winning at wiff-waff!”

The office of the Greek PM has issued a statement in response. “Mr Mitsotakis will not be taking up Mr Johnson’s challenge,” it reads. “We Greeks prefer to negotiate like adults, not indulge in playground competitions. However, we feel duty bound to point out that Mr Mitsotakis is an expert in the ancient art of playing marbles, so Mr Johnson can stick his infantile challenge up his great fat…”

The remainder of the statement was redacted.

The current incumbent at Number Ten was, allegedly, sanguine. “Nobody in the current administration thinks that Mr Johnson has any part to play in the current state of affairs,” said a spokeswonk. “Mr Sunak is desperate to hold on to his tenure for as long as possible, so he doesn’t want to risk being involved with Mr Johnson any more. Mr Sunak believes that Mr Johnson is being childish for the attention, and wishes to remind him that we won, you lost, so suck it up, loser-boy, get over it, and yar boo sucks!”

We can learn a lot about history from old statues. The Marbles were hacked away from their original location, subjected to rough transit, Victorian pollution, and clumsy attempts to launder them. It’s how Britain became Great.

YOU’VE LOST YOUR MARBLES MATE : GLOBAL BRITAIN’S world beating Prime Minister, Rishi “The Hammer” Sunak has reportedly denied claims he is unwilling to meet Greek Prime Minister Mitsotakis and said “there are always conditions to be met before meetings between heads of state.”

Quite how the Greek PM failed to understand this routine fact of international relations is anyone’s guess, but 10 Downing Street has allegedly stressed it has communicated with the Greeks and it’s likely that a meeting will now take place “after Mr Sunak’s afternoon nap and nappy change. But not to bring anything with too much sugar in it if they want Mr Sunak to sit still and concentrate”.

“The PM isn’t bothered about currency,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman is said to have said, “we’ve an election to fight. What’s important is to fill the coffers of the Tory Party.”

When pressed what they meant by that the spokesman shuffled some papers before shrugging and elaborating.

“Okay, Mitsotakis isn’t a US private health provider, he isn’t a dodgy developer, he isn’t a roaming international kleptocrat looking to establish a charter city within the UK, but that doesn’t mean he can’t stump up some money for a meeting. He just needs to make a sizeable donation to the Conservative Party’s war chest and then he’s in the door by morning tea.”

It’s not clear whether or not the Greek PM will be prepared to donate in order to meet Mr Sunak.

“Then it just shows what novices they are,” the spokesman added, “pay to play, that’s how we play in Global UK.”

It is understood though, that even if the Greek PM does donate in order to meet with Mr Sunak, there is one topic that will not be up for discussion.

“Don’t even bother bringing up the Marbles. Stop the Boats is starting to get a little thin, so we need something else to get the raging xenophobes in our base red faced over or they won’t come out to vote.”

IT’S A GAME OF TWO HALVES, BRIAN: The UK’s relegation was confirmed after a weak display in the final match of the season. Even VAR couldn’t save the day for the hapless UK.

What went wrong for the team that almost pulled off a shock win last time out? Was it injuries, a change of manager mid-season, or players not pulling their weight? Analyst Peter Principal looks at the evidence. 

“There are so many ways that it went wrong,” explained Principal. ‘A lot of it is to do with unrealistic expectations. If you come from nowhere and have one single great season, you expect more of the same. But if you don’t invest in key areas you go right back where you came from!”

And investment has been cut, and more cuts threatened. So in a way, the UK is paying the price for being cheap? 

“Exactly,” confirmed Principal. “In this business you speculate to accumulate. But team selection was an issue too. The team was always packed with right wingers. Nobody would play on the left, or even the centre. We got pulled out of position too easily, and left our opponents an open goal.”

Management was also an issue. 

“Yeah, Johnson always sets his teams up the same way, and almost forced victory through charisma and bullshit alone. But he got found out in the end,” said Principal. “Then Truss had that disastrous spell in charge, running the show like a six year old playing FIFA. Finally, boring, more competent Sunak took over, but the damage was done. We just weren’t good enough at the end of the day, Brian.”

So next year, the UK will compete in the far less prestigious CPTPPvision Song Contest instead. Hopes are not high, but there was one note of optimism. 

“At least we finished higher than Germany.”

UPLIFTING : The UK Government has acted today to ensure all subjects of Charles III can view the Coronation as it happens, and the extravagant banquet which follows.

“There’s disturbing reports that some people may miss the Coronation action while queuing to fill their reusable plastic bags with free tins of no-brand crushed tomatoes,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “Your government is committed to ensuring this does not happen.”

The action by Downing Street is described as “coordinated”, “front footed” and “patriotic”. It will see thousands of giant LCD screens forcibly installed inside the UK’s vast network of “food pantries”. The screens themselves have been leased by a recently incorporated, government linked private company and are definitely not “fire hazards”.

“Food banks will have to repay the cost of renting the screens,” the spokesman advises, “but they can easily do that by increasing the price they charge on donated wholemeal spaghetti. Or perhaps by organising street parties and leasing bunting to participants.”

But it’s not all love and handshakes.

“Anyone attempting to avert their eyes as hundreds of inheritance millionaires get stuck into the best French champagne and Continental delicacies will be punished,” the spokesman warns. “A national celebration of unearned wealth and privilege is what makes Great Britain stand out from its neighbours. If you’re not waving a little Union Flag as Charles gets a tonne of gold and jewels lowered onto his head you’re working to undermine Britain.”

Make sure to raise a toast to your King today. After all, he’s worked all his life to earn his privilege. And what else could lift the spirits of striking workers who can’t afford food? But knowing that their King is at a banquet.

“Anyone looking to undermine the monarchy on this day of days needs to have a hard look at themselves,” the spokesman added. “Why has Charles become King? He didn’t do it by complaining about irregular bin collections. Just think about it.”

LOVE THEY NEIGHBOUR : LABOUR are going to have a struggle to take 10 Downing Street from the Conservative Party at the next GE, and it’s not only because of their stated desire to help make the key Tory policy of Brexit work.

“We’ve been treating the UK population like shit since we returned to power in 2010,” a beaming Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “and anyone who dares to think we’re a beacon of hope.”

From Osborne demonising people receiving any welfare, to noted churchgoing humanitarian, Theresa May, and her famous “Go Home Vans”, the current downward trajectory of the country was signalled right at the start.

“But still there’s a question of whether or not we get to rule by executive power through the 2020’s,” the spokesman shrugged. “It’s a little baffling to be honest. So we’ve had a groupthink and come up with a plan. It’s on Whatsapp.”

The plan appears to be to continue trashing all and every thing that makes a community within the UK, in the service of extractive, vulture capitalism, but to double down on making life even harder for the most desperate people on Earth. So local people get a feeling of still winning.

“If we promise to really make life suck for refugees that should make people here feel relatively better after the fact we’re half freezing and half starving them all to death. And getting rich in the process. It’s pretty straightforward really. And it’s a vote winner. It also shows the world who we are.”

Labour have been quick to criticise though, demanding that public floggings return to village squares so they can criticise the policy and state they’d only bring back “stocks and pillories instead.”

“This is how it works,” the spokesman added, “we come up with something totally insane and the opposition find something to criticise in it, but generally offer their support. It makes sense, if you like having perpetual Conservative governments.”

The tax havens sure do. And the foreign billionaires who own most of our press.

“Tax dodging foreign billionaires. Now that’s one group of foreigners we never oppress.”

THE MIDAS TOUCH : THE UK’S CURRENT PRIME MINISTER, LIZ TRUSS, WILL DEMONSTRATE SHE FULLY EMBODIES MODERN CONSERVATIVE PARTY VALUES WITH A SPEECH AT THE OPENING OF A MAJOR NEW, AND COMPLETELY IMAGINARY FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS ARTICLE, FOOD BANK.

The speech is aimed at reassuring hardworking voters that “Liz is on their side” and, will take place at the ribbon cutting ceremony of South-east Norfolks biggest food bank to date. The bank itself has been called the “Uplifting Food Bank” in a nod of thanks to Business Secretary Jacob Rees-mogg.

Saving Christmas has become a preoccupation for Conservative Prime Ministers in recent years, largely due to the fact they spend most of the year threatening it with terrible policy choices.

“Liz will tell the deserving poor, specially bussed in for the opening of Uplifting, that she is there to help,” a source inside No 10 told LCD Views. “She’s taking the time out of her business Instagram schedule to cut the ribbon herself. And yes the ribbon is red, white and blue.”

Why Christmas needs saving this year is painfully obvious.

“Many people will be looking at this Christmas soon and wondering how the hell they’ll afford it now their fixed rate mortgage has come up for renewal?” the source explains. “What with the additional costs of importing and exporting due to intransigence in Brussels and the last Labour government. The hangover from the pandemic. The energy price crisis and now Kwasi’s mortgage rate fiasco, it will look a little darker than usual. But rising interest rates in response to global shocks and flawed policy making is just sensible fiscal management. Otherwise you have to admit that all you’ve done in government since 2010 is fuck everything up to please a bunch of crazed ideologues. Ordinary Britons have got to pay their share to keep high profits. And yes, if that means borrowing billions to fund tax cuts for the wealthiest, so be it. It’s a price we’re willing for you to pay.”

Ms Truss’s Christmas saving will be completely aligned with how she’s begun her premiership.

“She’ll make sure no millionaire goes without this year,” the source beams. “Then Christmas will trickle down to the poor. You just wait and see. By Christmas 2024 everyone will be enjoying the leftovers of Christmas 2022. In this way we expect them to be inspired to become millionaires too.”

ALL CHANGE NO CHANGE AT ALL : THE UK’S IMMINENT PRIME MINISTER Liz Truss has made making vows of change a trademark as she wrestles with Sunak to lead the wilfull blind deeper into the valley of darkness, and today is no exception.

While many expect David Cameron’s old moggy to lounge on at the taxpayer’s expense, rumours suggest Ms Truss is planning to level up the Prime Ministerial pet with a more fitting animal to symbolise her reign.

“The people need to see a new and reinvigorated government,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “the PM has total confidence that the next PM is going to deliver that. This will ensure the rightful PM his chance of making a come back with the new and illegitimate PM is ousted before Christmas.”

Most would expect that PM Truss will choose a lion or a unicorn to replace the pensioned off Larry, but sources close to the heart of the incoming government say Ms Truss has a much more fitting, and personal touch in mind.

“It’s going to be a vulture. Maybe an entire flock,” the source claims. “Why should the real governors of sovereign Britain continue to hide in the shadows and dine in the darkness? Why shouldn’t they step out into the light and take their rightful place as Global Brexit Britain’s champions and mascots? Anyone for a free port?”

Indeed. It’s hard to think of a counter argument and it would signal a new, honest approach to ruling the UK as the new dawn breaks.

“But Ms Truss isn’t without concern for her soon to be defeated contestant Mr Sunak,” the source adds. “She’s going to name the 10 Downing Street vulture Rishi to best symbolise his, and the Tories, style of economic management.”