Donald Trump enters Tory leadership contest with one tweet

RED, WHITE AND BLUE BREXIT : So called President of the United States, Donald Trump, has made a late entry into the Tory leadership contest today with a single tweet.

At a little after 5am this morning, as POTUS began his ritual ‘executive time’ on the White House toilet, he fired off the tweet that sent shockwaves through the governing Conservative Party.

“Before the tweet an empty chair was the most popular to takeover when Theresa May’s cold hands are prized off the keys to Downing Street,” our transatlantic correspondent corresponded, “then Boris Johnson, then Jeremy Who Rhymes and after that just fcuk knows. But with his actions on the famous social media site Donald Trump is now the clear favourite.”

Queries about the legality of Trump entering the race to be the UK’s next PM have been brushed aside because the law doesn’t matter anymore in the UK or the USA.

“It’s a smart play,” our analyst continues, “he waited for some of the obvious losers to eliminate themselves before throwing his hat into the ring. There’s little that stands in his way now from entering Downing Street except common sense. So nothing really, as the UK abandoned any pretence to being sensible when the Tories were re-elected to govern on their own in 2015.”

Trump’s ascendancy to the top job in British politics offers continuity in government too, as one of the primary drivers of the executive since 2015 has been to make US billionaires happy.

“It really just cuts out the middle man too,” our analyst observed, “if any Brexit does occur the UK will be run entirely from the White House anyway.”

Popcorn manufacturers supporting Boris

At last, a real Brexit dividend. Manufacturers of popcorn are backing Boris ‘Fuck Business’ Johnson, seeking a boost in sales.

The probable next PM, Boris Johnson is likely to allow this country to fall into dereliction. However, observers will enjoy watching the spectacle while tucking into a tasty snack. Great theatre, dreadful politics.

You can picture the scene. Boris turns up to an important summit, 15 minutes late and completely unprepared. Half an hour of good-natured waffle (including a hilarious anecdote about Theresa May and a sausage roll) later, and nothing will have been achieved, but everyone will be in his power. Global Britain reduced to an admittedly well honed comedy act.

It is our duty to watch the compelling spectacle unfold with equal measures of laughter, horror and popcorn.

“It’s a golden opportunity,” remarks SuperPop! CEO, Carrie-Mel Flava. “We are taking on staff and opening premises across the country in anticipation. We have taken £350m in orders in one week for the new Westminster branch alone.”

Flava has put a complete range of Brexit popcorns on the market. For example, Strong And SuperPop!, which disintegrates under the slightest pressure. Then there’s Sunlit Uplands, which contains a few sad grains of corn to pop yourself. Finally, there is the Brexit Dividend, which is an enormous bag containing an IOU.

Hollywood is already in London, filming location shots for The Brexit Movie. We are anticipating a spectacular high budget disaster film, starring Tom Hanks as Boris Johnson.

“We are aiming British themed popcorn at the American market,” says Flava. “There won’t be any cinemas left in the UK after we crash out, but the Americans love the 51st State and its people. We are already trialling some cool new varieties. Nice Cup Of Tea flavour popcorn, Sweet Nostalgia flavour, and Bitter Disappointment.”

Boris will be bad for Britain, but great for sales of popcorn. And we have a ringside seat!

Tories to choose new leader based on who will upset the most foreigners

MANNERS MAKETH THE COUNTRY: Pick me! Pick me! The contest to replace Theresa May as Tory Party leader, and very possibly prime minister, is heating up, with a clear front and rear runner.

”Rory Stewart has no chance at all,” our leadership analyst muses (we’re not so sure), “he’s prepared to smoke opium just to keep foreigners happy. The Tory Party, being composed predominantly of well heeled, well salted gammon, will take a very dim view of that. What else will he do if prime minister? He might attempt to make friends. Can he be guaranteed to swan about the world, Trumpesque, laying the diplomatic equivalent of number two’s? Reminding everyone he encounters that the SUN NEVER SETS ON THE BRITISH EMPIRE!”

We can see why he’s the rear runner.

”Sajid Javid? He’s striving to show he can upset foreigners. In fact as Home Office minister he’s going to great strides to follow in Theresa May’s foul footsteps. But he’s got Buckley’s. Most of the Conservative membership probably think he is a foreigner and are puzzled why he’s in government.”

What about Dominic Raab?

”Who?”

Dominic Raab. He was Brexit Secretary until he realised he was Brexit Secretary.

”Oh. Well he’s a good middle of the pack runner. He knows how to upset the French. That was on display when he discovered Calais. But he’s not carrying enough tools for the job. He needs to go and get stuck into people further away. We need global reach.”

Michael Gove?

”No way! He’s done more to boost Latin American exports than anyone else in the contest. He’s supposed to be making Britain great again. We’re a global trading powerhouse who only exports, never imports. As such he can go away.”

What about the number two after this week’s ballot, Jeremy Hunt?

”Now he has some form. I’ll give you that. He can’t tell if his wife is Chinese or Japanese, for reasons no one knows except himself. He compared the EU to the Soviet Union. He thought Slovenia was a Soviet vassal state too. Clearly his Cold War knowledge is as sketchy as his Far East facial recognition system. That’s why he polled second highest.”

And the front runner, Boris Johnson?

”Surely this needs no explanation. In a contest revolving around xenophobia as a pre-condition, Mr Johnson is far away in the lead. If you can name a people on the face of the Earth he hasn’t insulted then we’ll let him know so he can get right on it.”

Boris Johnson to build a wall and Brussels is going to pay for it

BORIS THE BUILDER : Great news today with the promise by everyone’s favourite cartoon politician, Boris Johnson, that he is going to build a wall in the English Channel, and better yet…

“Brussels is going to pay for it!” Boris told a packed press hall of Tory media sycophants and sweaty, middle aged male MPs.

“How Brussels will pay for it, you may ask?” Boris continued, “it will be as easy as um, as easy as ah, picking up a blonde bit on the side and hiding her from your wife! Ha!”

Additional to the infidelity will be the £39bn owing to Brussels under the terms of the Withdrawal Agreement, negotiated by outgoing Prime Minister Theresa May, and her team. You know, that little bit about meeting our agreed international obligations? Yeah, we don’t do that now.

“I will bang on and bang on about the £39bn because I expect common, hard working, tabloid reading English folk to see a large number and go waaaaaaaa!” Boris illuminated, “much like the false £350m claim on my bus! It’s a big number isn’t it? You plebs! Waaaahaaaa!”

Just don’t ever put it in the context of national budgets. And defiantly don’t mention what you get back for it.

As to when the building of the wall in the English Channel will begin? Boris was ready for that.

“The moment after I become Prime Minister I will be off to Brussels to tell Junker to go whistle!” Boris continued, “well, that will be after I visit Rupert Murdoch in his dark tower in New York to get the traditional blessing for a new premiership. Actually, that will be second after I go and see Arlene Foster and promise to pay her whatever she needs to continue the hilariously named confidence and supply agreement. As easy as one, two, three!”

Materials needed for the wall are already to hand, as England is just heaving with untapped mines of lego blocks.

“It’ll be done in a jiffy! Just like all my building plans!”

People will get their pockets filled with public money and the outcome isn’t important because filling private pockets with public money is the only modern Conservative policy!

“No island is a man, but with a wall all around it the UK can be Donald Trump’s personal island colony! Paaaaazaaaaaa!”

If Boris builds it, no one will come, which is just the way his Brexit backing supporters seem to want it…

Gove says any post Brexit free trade deal with Colombia is “not to be sneezed at”

HIGH IMPORTS : With the weekend revelations that the majority of Tory candidates to replace Theresa May are smacked out of their brains most  of the time, Global Britain can look forward to a solid trading future with Latin America.

“The very first day after I become prime minister I’ll be on a plane to Colombia,” almost anyone of them can say, “a light aircraft clearly that will fly low enough to avoid radar and return home with hold all’s heaving with class A drugs.”

The plan to import mountains of narcotics from countries famous for the export is a sure sign that whoever takes over will be up to the challenge.

“You’re going to need to be wasted all the time just to cope with the pressure,” our political analyst says, “I mean May has left behind her a complete and utter shitshow. You’d have to be high to think you can clean up the mess and make a success of Brexit. Thankfully most of the candidates to be prime minister are just that.”

It’s believed that securing a trade deal with cocaine producing countries will allow the UK to remain the gateway to the EU27 for third countries.

“Clearly we have to replace what’s left of our traditional manufacturing base with something. Why not the import and export of mountainous quantities of powders? And traditional herbal remedies? It’s a no brainer.”

Suppliers of accessories are thought to be anticipating a boom too. With small plastic bags and lottery slips certain to be in high demand as the UK moves to being entirely pharmaceutical based economy.

“Global Britain, you don’t need to be high to live here, but it helps.”

Government reveals men who negotiated with EU will take on US in trade deal

THREE STOOGES ALRIGHT : Leaked documents from Downing Street today reveals the three men who masterfully negotiated with the EU are all set to take on the US in any future trade deal negotiations.

”Negotiating the Brexit deal has battle hardened them,” a trade expert employed by the government comments, “Davis already had a reputation for knowing when to cut and run and his time wrangling with Barnier was a tour de force in getting out of dodge. He’ll go in first to soften the yanks up.”

Once Davis has thrown up his hands, certain to be bloodied, and gone back to propping up a bar, then Raab will go in next, whether or not he’s prime minister at the time.”

“Dominic Raab is hard as nails. Especially in the forehead. We call him the ram behind closed doors. He can but his head against anything and walk away, dazed, but completely none the wiser. We expect he’ll really confuse the over confident Americans. Once he’s dealt some body blows it’ll be time to send in number three for the coup de grace.”

And this is where Stephen Barclay comes in. A man described as both “just happy to be there” and also as “virtually invisible.”

“Once Barclay strolls in whistling a happy tune the Americans will know it’s all over. The NHS, our pharma industry and financial services, tagged and bagged and ready for delivery. The yanks have seen how we handled the EU, they know what’s coming for them. Global Britain Empire 2.0, that’s who.”

UK tops global growth index for feelings of humiliation

EYES DOWN AND TAKE IT : The UK is crowing today, even with its downcast gaze, after the overnight news it now tops the GLOBAL GROWTH index for feelings of humiliation.

“Donald Trump’s visit clinched it,” Head of Humiliation policy at the totally independent think tank, Make UK Small Again, Professor Noir Cash, told LCD Views, “prostituting ourselves out to the greatest self serving bigot on the face of the planet? Nice work. We really nailed it. Of course we’re only just edging the USA into second place, but we’re confident we can open up a lead as the Conservative leadership race drags on through the summer.”

And open up a substantial lead we look certain to do. Be proud.

“As long as Brexit remains the official policy of the UK’s government and alternative government, the laughingly named ‘official opposition’, it’s hard to see the yanks pegging us back. Well, unless they fail to impeach the orange twatzinger before the 2020 US presidential campaign kicks into gear.”

The news of the UK’s dominance in feelings of humiliation, and the swell of pride it is causing in the country, will only be bolstered by the knowledge that the majority of the remaining EU27 countries are so far down the league table as to be out of sight.

“Losers. The lot of them,” Professor Noir Cash shrugged, “we’re pulling away from them now we’ve taken back control. They want to focus on Brexit Britain and what a success we’re making of Empire 2.0. Take. Back. Control. It’s the only way to succeed in a 21st century increasingly defined by regional power blocs.”

Street parties are planned shortly to celebrate our success. Tory MPs suggestions that they involve madam’s in leather gear with whips and really demeaning lines in chat are being considered as we speak.

Take it Global Britain. You know you want it. The only safe word is ‘Revoke Article 50’ and neither the temporary leader of the Tories, the prospective leaders, or any shadow front bench MPs are mouthing that as they grimace in the shackles.

We’re not racists, but our next prime minister might be

WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT : The flagging British tourism sector is said to be anticipating the potential impact today of a Boris Johnson premiership, by reviewing all the dog whistle racism he’s written in newspaper columns.

”It’s grim,” Mrs Howdiditcometothis, told LCD Views, “he can’t help himself. Partially he says these appalling things because he runs away with himself and partially because he’s a world class prat who has zero conscience. Actually, just the prat part. It’s frankly embarrassing, demeaning and we’re anticipating being wiped out if that pound store Trump gets the keys to number 10.”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/brexit-uk-tourism-money-economy-visitor-numbers-deficit-travel-eu-tourists-a8929461.html%3famp

But it’s not all bad news. While people may feel less inclined to visit Global Britain, with its racism based governing philosophy, other destinations are certain to see a boost.

”EU27 countries can presumably pick up what we lose,” our insider context sighed, “which is probably what we deserve for allowing this shaming shambles to go on and on, and for not having a national politics that removes people who are happy to be racist at an early stage, like it used to do.”

The hit to the sector is a bit of a shock, as the fall in the value of the pound was supposed to boost inward tourism spending, not see it decline.

”The weaker pound is proving as much use as our weaker reputation on the global stage,” she added, “the only Brexit dividend is that enjoyed by other countries able to capitalise on our mass act of self harm.”

LCD Views thinks it’s unlikely that Boris will become PM, while possible, but if he does it will do to remember the old phrase,

You get the government you deserve.

So it is well passed time even more people began to raise their voice and say about the current state of affairs another old staple,

Not in my name. No ifs, no buts.

U.K. government confirms U.K. manufacturing will be entirely powered by renewable faith post Brexit

BLOWING IN THE WIND : The United Kingdom’s government has moved to reassure voters about the dual concerns of climate change and energy policy today with the confirmation that the U.K. will be entirely powered by renewable faith post Brexit.

”You just have to have faith,” disgraced former defence secretary Liam Fox told a tepid press conference, “and hide friends behind curtains.”

The faith itself will be converted into a power source by belief.

”If we all get down on our knees and bow our heads before Brexit, and focus really hard on running our manufacturing entirely on the power of Brexit we can both meet our booming export demands and climate change targets,” the clueless DIT minister nodded, “and make sure to hide our friends behind curtains.”

The new policy is hoped will be even easier to achieve once a new Conservative leader is chosen, as that will be an act entirely done on faith too.

”Experts say we should use what lies about us, but I say we should look within ourselves and just really believe. Oh, and look behind curtains.”

Once the faith has been successfully harnessed to turn turbines and power the Satanic mills of Brexitannia, it will also be used to power our international relations and trade deals.

The announcement did receive cross-party support, as Labour is also currently operating a faith based Brexit policy, which is coupled to faith in the leader.

”We are all about faith these days,” a Labour source commented, “it really unites the believers. Just ask Campbell! Ha!”

It’s believed the first actual structure to be run entirely on faith power will be the chapel the Tories and Labour are planning to timeshare, given they’re both expelling and shedding members who lack belief in Brexit so fast, neither need a broad church anymore.

Believe. Believe in a proper Brexit and keep the fires burning in your hearts. 

UK to hand Chagos islands to Mauritius after UN vote, as non-binding votes leave you no choice about what to do

EMPIRE 2.0 : Global Britain’s second coming to empire looks to have hit a small archipelago in the BRITISH (IT SAYS BRITISH) Indian Ocean today after a UN vote telling the UK to hand the Chagos Archipelago to Mauritius.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-48371388

The dispute over the islands appears to have revealed that not everyone on Earth is especially pleased with the new United Kingdom, after we received less support than usual from so called allies.

“They’ll come around,” a part of Boris Johnson’s brain told LCD Views, “I’ll have a bally warship sent there and that’ll show them what what.”

The statement from the next prime minister of Global Britain was immediately seized upon, as the UK’s reluctance to cede control of the islands centres on its current use as a military outpost.

“We should send a warship to every country that voted against us,” Mark Francois weighed in (meatily, saltily, greasily, gammonily) on Mr Johnson’s behalf, “WE’VE SAVED THEM ALL FROM NAZI GERMANY AND NOW THEY’RE STABBING US IN THE BACK! WE’LL SHOW THEM WHO STABS WHO IN THE BACK! WE’RE GLOBAL BRITONS!”

Plans to send warships to the fifty six states that abstained were also launched, as that’s as good as treason too.

While it’s completely puzzling why the UK should recently be suffering setbacks in international tribunals that we’re accustomed to getting our way with, it’s definitely not connected to telling most of the world to just f off and take their painstakingly developed (after conflicts) rules based orders with them.

“We need to campaign for Unxit,” Francois added, “get 100% of our sovereignty back! That’ll show them!”

Global Britain. Empire 2.0 maybe just a little bit smaller than the first one, but not if we believe hard enough.