Filthy rich Brexiters quitting U.K. doing it so left behind poor can share more of UK’s Brexit dividend

LCD Views believe it is important that everyone understands the motivations of the filthy rich Brexiters quitting the UK personally, or moving their businesses out, setting up overseas subs etc, before Brexit are only doing it out of a driving humanitarian feeling that is irresistible.

“I can’t help it,” Mr Pig Trough told us, “when I think of all those people who are needlessly suffering through no mistake of their own, but an unfortunate combination of nature, nurture and the accident of birth, I just want to help. By moving assets out of the UK I make myself less of a burden on the state, which can then focus more on the little people. Really focus on them. Work out exactly what is left in their pocket and what to do about it.”

The little people will clearly not be quitting the UK, either assets wise or personally, in great numbers relatively speaking, but be here to ensure there is at least someone to tax once the state starts failing in earnest.

“We want you all to know we are your international champions,” Mr Crap Hoovers said, busily piling another load of jobs and tax revenue into a private jet, “from a secure base overseas in a region with bugger all employment rights and friendly tax rates, I can best pave a way forward for the UK to follow. That’s some plastic patriotism right there. And we all know plastic lasts a long time. So it must be good.”

The news that they are driven by altruism will help many.

“We’ll be sending you pictures of food too,” A Predator confirms, “just so you know what to look for when you’re rioting when the stockpile of spam is exhausted.”

Any advice for how best to share the Brexit dividend about, given you won’t be personally here to help?

“Imagine if the housing market crashes and people can’t afford to keep on with their mortgage? They won’t have a roof over their heads. I’ll buy the roof for them and then they can stay in their home, or one a little smaller some distance away.”

That’s comforting.

“And just be sure that once the UK is out of the EU then all those new anti-tax dodging initiatives won’t apply to you or me. That way I can keep more of what you earn, by way of privatising the last of the state owned services that you’ll still be paying tax to support, even afterwards. Funny how that works. We’ll be here for you, with our additional passports that are burgundy, well, at least in spirit.” 

“The Dumb One” former fireplace salesman tells of journey from anti-Thatcher activist to gunboat diplomat

Exciting news for people looking for what they’ll read during their spring holidays today with the release of British Secretary of Defence, Gav “I have a spider” Williamson’s new autobiography, “The Dumb One”.

“In the book I describe my journey from a spotty oik in the 1980’s protesting against Margaret Thatcher to Secretary of Defence, via selling fireplaces.”

The book, which is recommended to retail for one warship a tome, will certainly provide lots to mull over for students currently protesting climate change.

“Look, I was once critical of Margaret Thatcher, deeply critical. Then there was a watershed moment and the scales fell onto my eyes,” Williamson relates.

What was the watershed? Unless it’s a spoiler.

“Oh, it’s well known. I took an overdose of laxatives. It was a dark day. When I recovered I realised I had been seeing the world through clear specs and promptly smeared them.”

And that’s when you decided to become defence secretary?

“No. That’s when I decided to sell fireplaces,” Gav says, “the decision to attempt to bully one of the world’s major powers with gunboat diplomacy came later. Emphasis on the singular with the gunboat.”

So you’re saying anyone can take your journey?

“If you’ve the smarts to get into an argument with a hostile government and then tell them to go away and shut up, when they start leaking shameful details from your earlier life to the tabloids, then yes, anyone can.”

And what of the future? How will you help navigate the choppy waters the UK finds itself in now with international isolation and Brexit?

“I’ll be getting on a slow boat.”

Where to?

“Why China, where else? I’m taking my tarantula there personally.”

China cancels trade talks with U.K. until it’s no longer governed by f*cking idiots

LCD Views can report that China has told the U.K. to f*ck off in no uncertain terms today after former fireplace salesman Gavin Williamson decided to reveal we have a ship.

”I’m on a boat!” Mr Williamson shouted at China, “I’m on a boat motherf*cker!”

Quite what China was expected to make of being threatened by a British warship in its waters (regardless of the rights and wrongs of what’s going on down there), given they still recall the Opium Wars, is anyone’s guess.

”I suspect the kakistocracy of public school boy and girl entitled, and ignorant prats currently governing Britain missed that bit of history, because someone was using them as a toast rack,” our international trade expert guessed.

In search of the deeper thinking behind his strategy, we approached a toilet stain for comment, believing it to be Mr Williamson. It simply repeated,

”I’m on a boat! I’m on a boat motherf*cker!”, as if it had invented maritime technology and its use in international brinkmanship.

“I suspect Gavin won’t be satisfied until he succeeds in getting someone to declare war on Global Britain,” our expert adds, “at which point he’ll scream a lot and then hide. He’s currently working down a list of traditional foes to cheese them off, and he will presumably move onto our allies next. I hear he’s thinking of threatening Canada with a land invasion.”

None of this bodes well for the prospects of Brexitannia, but Mr Williamson is apparently non-plussed, claiming his ultimate long game is for Global Britain to trade with itself only, so we always leave negotiations as victors.

Only job left after Brexit to be building a Wicker Man

Blazing good news for lovers of traditional British industries today with the announcement that the U.K. is to replace the departing car industry with the building of a Wicker Man.

”People keep focusing on the downsides of Brexit, even though they’re arent any,” Brexit Secretary Stephen “Doesn’t Know Foreigners’ Names” Barclay told us, “like the NHS stockpiling body bags for the famine this summer, and the car industry saying you can go f*ck yourself, we’re off, well here’s something everyone can applaud.”

The building of the giant Wicker Man is expected to be a total boon to the country’s wicker industry.

”Currently wicker growing is in recession, thanks to the EU,” Mr Barclay goes on, and on, “but after Brexit that will be British industry. I’d get shares now, before the industry produces its first unicorn.”

The construction of the iconic figure, with a cage inside to hold people who can’t be allowed to say what they know, will be done at a secret location.

”This is so the German car industry doesn’t steal the design,” Barclay trumpets, “we’re going to be the world leaders in this industry. Imagine if we can put wheels on them? Amazing.”

It’s not clear yet who will be chosen to be burned inside the figure but the Brexit Secretary has a twinkle in his eye.

”Everyone. But don’t tell anyone.”

Sixty five million people?

”Well, not that many clearly. The architects of Brexit from the Tory Party will be in France with their trotters up.”

And their Labour collaborators?

”Moscow I expect. Seumas is taking them sightseeing in the summer. But you’ll be here, because you won’t be rich enough to leave.”

F U Brexit. F U.

EU willing to risk hard Brexit to remove woman’s FOM

Theresa May has gone further to please the ERG this week than even Jeremy Corbyn with news out of Brussels suggesting the EU is now willing to risk a hard Brexit.

”It’s to stop Theresa May turning up every week driving everyone batshit crazy,” our Brussels correspondent says,

“if they can get the U.K. to crash out then that’s a way to remove her freedom of movement. It’s the only way to make her stop coming to Brussels.”

It’s understood the EU is also drafting new legislation to make it virtually impossible for British prime ministers to cross the channel after Brexit.

”This is seen as one of the greatest dangers of any Brexit but a total severance of all ties,” our correspondent adds,

“if there is any sort of deal between the U.K. and the EU once, or if, Brexit actually happens, then it’s never going to stop. It will consume entire careers. EU leaders would much rather be focusing on which of the states have governments already bought by dark money, like the UK’s, and working about how to deal with the rot, instead of having to entertain prime ministers from England for years demanding cakes they don’t deserve.”

Theresa May is expected to be surprised by the move by the EU to force the U.K. out with no deal.

”She expects them to save her bacon at the last moment,” our man shrugs and adds, “but to be frankish, everyone over here has had a gut full of British ham byproducts. They’d much rather May just stayed home from now on.”

Downing Street to smash everything up to show world Brits can take whatever we throw at ourselves

Downing Street is wearing a hard hat, a hi viz vest and in a mood for some mega destruction today with a new scheme to prove to the bullies in Brussels that Brits are ready for a No Deal Brexit.

“We’re going to start systematically smashing everything up,” Mr Ian Pyrite (MP for Dark Money on Interests) told LCD Views, “we in the ERG feel it’s important to show the world that the chosen people of Global Britain can take anything we can throw at ourselves. That’s what Blitzing Britain for Brexit is all about.”

As part of the new initiative teams of angry pineapple vest kippers will start roaming the streets of Britain breaking whatever they like with complete impunity.

“You wait until you see Merkel’s face when she sees what we can do to ourselves and there’s nothing she can do about it,” Mr Pyrite said, “we’ve even a mind to have the RAF drop high explosives on the Palace of Westminster and St Paul’s cathedral. That’ll really wipe the smirk off Macron’s mug.”

The police will be under orders not to intervene in the destruction and even join in if they feel like it.

“Imagine coming home for the last time from the job you’ve just lost, a lost job in no way connected to Brexit, to find the windows in your home smashed, a big hole in the roof and your furniture on fire?” the ERG MP asks, “what will you do? You’ll find a pot in the rubble of your kitchen, piss into it and boil up a cup of tea on the fire. Europe doesn’t know what we’re made off.”

But the initiative, which has tentative backing from the Labour front bench, has come in for some criticism all the same.

“Labour would urge the government to only smash up “a” part of the UK, like the financial services and automotive sectors,” Keen Harmer MP said, his eyes retreating further into his skull each day as he tells himself the lie of Brexit is worth living for a reason he can no longer recall, “and as soon as the massive self harm project is complete we demand a GE so we can sweep to power over the smouldering ashes.”

Be ready Britain to show the world your blitz spirit, maybe even kick in your own front door and set fire to your own cat, just to show Junker you ain’t gonna take it!

Calais bans UK’s weapon of mass infrastructdestruction – “If he touches anything here! It will instantly turn to merde!”

Note to start – as Grayling is banned from travelling to Calais, we had to write what would happen if he did.

The French government declared a state of national emergency today after the Mr Bean of transport, Chris Grayling visited Calais.

“Instantly nothing worked anymore,” Mayor of Calais, Jean Luc de Mayor, told LCD Views, “it was like the touch of death to our infrastructure.”

It seems the incident occurred after Mr Grayling defied a direct order from the mayor banning him from even stepping foot in the vitally important transport hub.

”We’ve seen his work. His work is famous,” Jean Luc de Mayor told us, “you have a system you want broken you call Mister Grayling and viola! The whole show is kaput!”

Awareness of Mr Grayling’s form lead the mayor to issue the dictat preventing his presence at his port, but alas, it was no good.

”I knew he would plague my house, sacré bleu! So I did what I could. Had I known he would mistake the ban for an invitation I would have demanded the French Foreign Legion siege Dover to stop that buffoon from evening getting on his floating bus.”

Quite how order will be restored to Calais is anyone’s guess, with the focus of the French authorities now on finding and apprehending Mr Grayling before he moves deeper into the French network.

”Pizza ferry bus replacement pizza services at Calais are indeed a catastrophe,” The French Interior minister commented, “but what if Mr Grayling should happen to make contact with one of our nuclear power stations? Kapow! It will be a cheeseburger delivery service and our lights will go out.”

Whether or not Mr Grayling will succeed in reducing French infrastructure to the SNAFU of the UK’s only time will tell, but it’s just possible that in the depths of Downing Street tonight Theresa May is feeling she’s struck a blow against the EU by deploying one of the U.K.’s biggest weapons to France.

Customs checks out as U.K. Gov throws up its hands and gives up at Dover

Global Britain is on the march (-ing powder) with the latest genius wheeze from the creators of open borders, no one ever said anything about controlling them Brexit U.K.

”When we said take back control of our borders we actually meant open ourselves up like the most clueless debutant at a coming out ball jammed full of vampyres looking for a neck to suck,” junior home Office Minister Mr Feckin’ Clueless told LCD Views,

“think of the bargains you’ll get on guns, drugs, cheap labour now we’ve introduced an honour system for Dover?

”I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before! Stocks in organised crime are already booming. Of course Brexit is organised crime, but now we’re opening up the opportunity to people who don’t have money in tax havens to cash in too. People who just want to have a good time and forget about how we’re shafting the country senseless.”

The new policy, which relies on trust from importers, is not only a boon for organised crime, but will mean cheaper nights out for all scallywags.

”I think it’s safe to say this is a key part of our strategy to win back the support of professional twentysomethings and youth in general too,” the addled minister added

“once upwardly mobile professionals realise that they’re chances of retiring in the Mediterranean maybe stuffed by Brexit, but they can score buckets of white goods for half the price they were on March 28th, they’ll be back voting Tory before you know it.”

The only potential snag in the problem is if French customs officials decide to increase checks at Calais for goods coming into the U.K.

”I wouldn’t worry about that,” Mr Feckin’ Clueless MP said, “the diplomatic tour de force currently being waged by Theresa May’s government will ensure all trucks are fully checked in at least one direction.”

Seaborne Ferries land lucrative government contract to import edible ham and pineapple Hawaiian shirts from North Korea

The offices of Seaborne Ferries (they don’t seem to have an office, they just have lots of taxpayer cash) were cock-a-hoop today with the announcement that they will be handed an additional £14m of taxpayer’s money to import a new range of edible clothing from the sweatshops of North Korea.

This is an additional measure by the Department of Transport as transport tzar Chris Grayling does his bit to prepare the UK for Brexit.

“It’s genius really,” Mr Takit Enran, VP of Cross-purposes at Seaborne, told us, “I mean, all those years little Kim Jong-un grew up watching the peasants starving, he must have known there was a light bulb moment out there somewhere. He and Grayling are soul brothers. I’m sure of it.”

And there was a light bulb moment waiting.

Reportedly, after watching a starving family strip the last leaves off the last tree in their yard, in their five minute break from singing about how wonderful life is in North Korea now that Donald Trump is Kim’s bitch, Kim felt inspiration strike, when he saw them tearing up strips of their shirt and stirring it into the pot.

“Imagine the scene, mid-winter, halfway up a mountain on a government controlled slogan farm, somewhere in Berkshire, the snow is piled up, your family is hungry, but you’ve greedily woofed down the last bowl of proper British noodles, delivered by some terrified cadets a week ago. What next to eat? Well, your clothes are made of cotton and cotton is a plant and plants are edible…”

Now Brits can benefit from Global Britain’s trade negotiating might, even before we’ve left the struggling corner shop of the EU.

“There’s a range of flavours to choose from. Ham and pineapple Hawaiian shirts. Mushroom flavoured socks. Woollen hats that are made from actual lamb residue. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone makes their fortune out of this contract.”

So rest assured, as we move forward onto the sunlight uplands, you will have a choice previously only reserved for citizens of a totalitarian state which sees your suffering serving a higher purpose.

“Do I die of exposure or starvation?” Mr Enran asks, “exposure is faster, but…Calais to Dover is jammed…I better eat the shirt off my back before someone else does!”

Bonfire of the Insanities – Downing Street orders all U.K. cash incinerated on the Thames

Global Britain is set to put on a display worthy of its current direction of travel this week after Downing Street ordered every last pound in the country’s coffers assembled on barges in front of the Palace of Westminster and incinerated as part of preparation for a No Deal Brexit.

“We’ve called it ‘Operation Bonfire of the Insanities’. Once the barge is all bobbing up and down on the Thames we’re going to set fire to it,” aide to human cash incinerator Theresa May told LCD Views, “it’s basically the only policy the cabinet can agree on. And most importantly, it has cross bench support.”

The display is intended to show EU27 countries, and the broader international community, what Global Britain is all about.

“Burn it, burn it! It’s going to be quite the display,” the aide adds, “and while the main purpose is symbolic, it has the added benefit of speeding up the Brexit process. We don’t expect that process to be complete until the country is completely potless.”

But who is going to light the match?

“Well, that’s the only sticking point, so many MPs are so keen to do it, there’s probably going to have to be a hat out of which the lucky name is called.”

This doesn’t sound fair, as it’s a collective responsibility to burn all the cash in the country?

“That’s so sweet,” the aide shakes their head affectionately, “there’s no such thing as collective responsibility currently in UK governance. I expect many MPs will use the distraction of the great fire of blunden to quietly slip away into the shadows.”

And where will the prime minister be as all the money in the UK burns on a Thames barge?

“She’ll be on a tug boat alongside the barge shovelling more money into the fire as it arrives at the exchequer,” the aide said, “oh, and I would guess also any files detailing crimes of Conservative Party MPs.”