Category: Global Britain

THE SPINNING TOP : OUTGOING UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has moved swiftly to leverage his special relationship with the new government looming across the pond in America.

While most lesser commentators expect Mr Johnson to have a frosty relationship with the administration of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, some are quick to point out that Mr Johnson can change his spots faster than a leopard.

“Many supposedly learned political obsessives have already declared that Boris Johnson’s friendship with Joe Biden is dead in the water, at launch, due to his history of thinly veiled racist comments about Barrack Obama, cosying up to that sociopath Trump, and complete disregard for the welfare of the peoples of Ireland,” our in house hero notes, “but they underestimate the lengths Mr Johnson will go to in the service of self preservation.”

And those lengths are gesture deep. Because that will work.

“He’s not having his usual Sunday morning lie in today,” we ramble on, “he’s already with his lawyer drawing up the deeds needed for a legal change of name. Quite the diplomat. World beating in fact.”

The ramped up move is the addition of an O’ to his surname.

“Later today, after the necessary paperwork has been processed Britain’s prime minister will be Boris O’Johnson. A move that will wash away the stains of years of short termism and politically leveraged racism. Not to mention his colonial approach to peace in Ireland. And as an extra move, that video footage of him refusing to shake hands with black supporters at a Tory Party event will be erased from all social media platforms. There is no lengths Mr Johnson will not go to to keep the special relationship special.”

It’s understood that Dominic Cummings will also be changing his name to Dominic O’Goings, just as soon as Mr O’Johnson gets up the courage to tell O’him.

Change is coming, and not just to America.

CLENCH AND DON’T RELEASE : BORIS JOHNSON’S INTERESTS IN THE BUMS OF YOUNGER LADIES IS MORE USUALLY THE SUBJECT OF DISCUSSION ACROSS MAJOR NEWS NETWORKS, THEN MR JOHNSON’S BUTT HIMSELF. BUT EVENTS IN AMERICA HAVE CHANGED ALL THAT.

Shortly after lunch time Friday a major disturbance was recorded in central London.

“The windows shook. The dogs hid. The cats looked offended. At first it was assumed that someone was letting off fireworks, but then light dawned,” a 10 Downing Street staffer told LCD Views, “it was Boris Johnson’s bum squeak.”

The squeak, recorded on richter scales across the UK, is thought to be “world beating” and potentially the largest English based bum squeak since the Suez Crisis of the mid 1950’s.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s aftershocks,” the staffer continued, “most of the Johnson government’s plans are prefaced on the assumption that Donald Trump would retain power in America and the trans-Atlantic neo-feudalist, kleptocratic syndicate continue on its merry way reshaping the English speaking nations of the Northern Hemisphere into a golden age not enjoyed since the early 14th century, in terms of inherited privilege. But Biden/Harris winning changes all that. Biden/Harris don’t like Boris.”

Why they don’t like Boris Johnson and his mega mind Dominic Cummings is a matter of mystery.

“If you’ve had your head in a bucket.”

If you’ve had your head in a bucket.

“I’d say it would be a good idea to move fragile items off tables and secure your windows and mirrors,” the staffer adds, “anytime today Boris Johnson’s tech trainer, Arcuri, her twitter timeline and all the batshit crazy stuff on it related to the US election is going to break into the UK press. Along with some rather more substantial British-American dalliances, as the machinery of US government and law enforcement begins its realignment.”

DO YOU LIKE MAMMOTH : Downing Street is set to issue up to date Coronavirus rules today to keep abreast with the changing UK fine dining landscape.

The new guidance is aimed at families struggling to make ends meet on a budget, and to ensure they stay hale and hearty as they forage for the weekly food shop.

“The important thing is that the new guidance looks to the future,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “these rules will also assist in the changing post Brexit landscape. And I don’t just mean Kent turning into one giant concrete lorry park.”

The guidance focuses on traditional ways to feed a family of four.

“Obesity is clearly less of an issue than it was, now that Spaffer Johnson has set an example and hired a personal trainer. But how do you keep the hoi polloi trim and fit for the digital mill? Why, exercising while getting groceries. It’s clearly a win win.”

To this end the guidance will focus on hunting and foraging.

“It’s the traditional way for the underclass to gain sustenance and enjoy the thrill of the outdoors. And it doesn’t have to be just pottage today and pottage tomorrow. Hunting fresh flesh isn’t just for the rich and powerful. It takes dogged perseverance to catch a rabbit with a rock.”

And rock will feature heavily, with classic spear and arrowhead designs to be included.

“Flint is plentiful and free. I’m sure Her Majesty won’t mind subjects on a budget scouring the Thames foreshore for weapon’s grade flint. If you’re foraging for flint in Kent, clearly you’ll have to hurry, before it’s concreted over. Obsidian is only available in Scotland, so we won’t be worrying about that. As for the shafts and handles? Well, just go into your garden and choose a suitable wood. I believe Yew is best for bows.”

But when hunting in groups and foraging in packs citizens are advised that CV-19 is still a risk.

“The ventilation of the outdoors will help dramatically reduce the chance of contracting Covid off a clan member, but still we would encourage the wearing of masks. Presumably they can be easily made from pelts. And besides, if you want to corner that frisky doe you’ll need to disperse and encircle. Perhaps your family pet can help? That’s if you haven’t already eaten the dog and used it’s hide to make gloves.”

And don’t think that the ministers who have hired consultants to draw up this new guidance are not aware of the problem of heat or eat.

“You can start a fire with the right rocks. Just strike that flint and blow softly into some dry grass. With these new guidelines you’ll be cooking a stew on a Sunday and have plenty of leftovers for sandwiches through the week. And importantly, as it’s winter, you won’t even need to bung 50p every half hour in the fridge to keep it running. Just store your leftovers in fox proof containers on the back patio. And with any luck, you might even get to eat the fox.”

*When eating dogs be sure to avoid the liver. It contains a toxin that can be fatal.

PLAYING POLITICS: The row between Manchester mayor Andy Burnham and Crime Minister Boris Johnson has escalated. There is no common ground between London control freakery and Manchester independence. So the Northern Powerhouse has decided to go it alone.

“Mexit” brings challenges. The economy is modern and vibrant, even if The South still thinks it’s ‘something to do with cotton’. But there must be a border. So there will be a wall along the line of the M60 – the M25 of the North – and Burnham has insisted that London must pay.

This is a response to the covid outbreak, although as Government figures have been cooked more often than school cabbage, it’s difficult to be sure. Manchester has decided to take back control of its borders, laws, and viruses. So long as its main imports of black pudding and Manchester United fans are maintained, it should be notoriously rainy sunlit uplands all the way.

Manchester’s main exports – jangly guitar bands and Coronation Street – are quite sufficient to keep the new city state solvent. The new M60 wall should be no barrier. Indeed in these lockdown-happy times, it might be a positive advantage. There should be no need to reignite the ancient feud with Liverpool over trade, football, and impenetrable regional accents.

So if you pronounce “day” as “dare”, and “dare” as “durr”, and you can distinguish your barmcakes from your oven-bottoms, you’re in. Anyone making jokes about “Personchester”, or talking in a silly voice at the mention of Eccles, will be larrupped on the bonce, escorted to the border, and put on the first train back to London.

Soon there won’t be much of Brexit Britain left. Northern Ireland will go, Scotland will go, Wales is closing its border, Kent has been ceded to the EU. If Manchester goes, it is likely that Liverpool, Leeds, Birmingham and others will leave too. That will show the world that Global Britain means business!

I AM NOT A FISH OF BRITAIN I AM A FISH OF THE WORLD : A British fish has been to court today in London to take out a restraining order against a Conservative MP.

While there is a ban on press coverage of the identity of the MP, we can wildly speculate that it is the old broken record himself, John Redwood. Although there are many it could be, clearly.

We offer our sincerest apologies right now if it was actually Andrew Bridgen or MIA man of the moment, Mark Francois.

However, the speculation that the MP is Redwood is based on an analysis of his Twitter feed. This reveals he has tweeted about controlling British fish no less than 300,034,974,00 times in the last hour alone.

Andrew Bridgen has been mostly spending his time screaming “Remoaner” at reality, and wiping the baby food off his chin.

Whereas Mark Francois is busy fuelling speculation that he is at the centre of a ghastly police case, but still keeps the whip, because Conservatives are still the party of family values.

The fish itself has been moved to take action in an attempt to free itself from what it calls “coercive control by deluded English nationalists, who fetishize me because of the national myths centred on a maritime past. They can’t rule the waves anymore, partially because Tory governments keep cutting back the Navy and selling off rights to our territorial waters, so in order to deny that reality and take responsibility they obsess over me. And I for one am fed up with it. I see no borders. I am a fish.”

The restraining order will give the fish time to seek whatever help is required. And it had one more statement for the press from the steps of the court.

“I am not an Englishman or a British fish, but a fish of the world.”

THE LONG SHADOW OF BREXIT : Ireland’s newest Taoiseach, Micheál Martin, has announced today the decision by the Republic to build a bridge right over Britain and on to continental Europe.

Addressing the European parliament for the first time since assuming office an entirely imagined version of Mr Martin revealed the grand building project. And it’s fair to speculate that Mr Johnson’s love of proposing grand building schemes is partly behind it. Even if Mr Johnson’s projects never eventuate.

“Aren’t you tired of Brexit and all that Boris bollocks?” Mr Martin asked a socially distanced hall. Happily, as there’s no longer any Farage cultists present, the question was met with only raucous applause.

“Don’t you want to throw a little shade on that Eton Mess in parliament?”

Yes. Yes. We all do.

“We’ve already begun building ferry lines to bypass Britain,” Mr Martin explained, “because we don’t want our lorries caught at the Kent border attempting to get to Dover. Only a gambler will risk the world beating IT project that’s going to manage those customs documents. Why not go one better and build a bridge over all of it?”

Fair play.

The bridge is expected to be built rapidly too, as so many EU tradesmen are leaving the UK due to Brexit. And many more will do once the Covid-19 omnishambles recession joins with Brexit proper.

“And the best thing is, Boris Johnson and the UK are going to pay for it.”

With our automotive, pharmaceutical, aerospace, education and financial services sectors.

“Let’s build a bridge over Boris!” Mr Martin exulted, to standing applause, “and let Brexit pay for it.”

BUILDING BRIDGES EVERYWHERE : UK HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL is rumoured to have written to German Chancellor Angela Merkel to explain her errors in dealing with 2015’s migrant crisis.

“While Mount Etna and Mount Vesuvius are still active there is no need to treat asylum seekers like human beings,” Ms Patel is said to have instructed Mutti in the letter.

The letter was written on paper bearing the logo of the United Kingdom’s Home Office, to make sure the Chancellor understands what the UK now represents on the global stage.

“It seems reasonable to assume that if we work together we can turn the continent of Europe into a zone that is migrant free and we will all benefit. This will twin nicely with our ambition to expand the UK’s export arms industry,” the letter continues, “I personally am now training patriotic British fish to sink boats in the English Channel. I would like to cordially invite you to come and view one of the training sessions.”

The training sessions are currently being conducted in secret in a Scottish loch, although there are plans to film a session with Boris Johnson dressed as Captain Birdseye dangling treats above a pond.

What the Germans will make of the offer isn’t yet clear, although it’s believed to be one of the saner suggestions to emanate from the UK’s corridors of power recently.

“I doubt they will respond through official channels,” our German correspondent advises, “they’re too busy holding back their automotive industry with its constant demands to cave to British Brexit demands. Although more likely they, like the rest of the EU27, are waiting for Ms Patel and the rest of the cabinet to vanish through a portal and reappear as villains in a Charles Dickens story, which is where they belong.”

FETCHEZ LA VACHE : A NEW DICTAT FROM DOWNING STREET has served to quell rising tensions within the Tory Party today as it promises to get Britain building again, and fast.

“All English towns and cities have to renew their medieval walls before 2021,” a Downing Street source explained to LCD Views, “which potentially leaves Milton Keynes stuffed, but everyone else should be alright.”

The decision to rebuild walls long fallen into the realm of relics is because bygone days are here again.

“It’s likely we’ll see some conflict between towns and cities over bog roll and other vital consumables,” the source goes on, “especially near to motorways in the South East of the country as roaming, locally raised militias scour the landscape for supplies. Lorries stuck in endless jams due to Brexit will be prime targets. It’s only natural that towns will fight each other over the booty. Some of those conflicts will spill back to the towns and cities concerned. You don’t want a wild eyed war party just spilling into your burbs. It’s best to have a wall.”

It’s felt also the renewed walls will better allow Tory MPs to grasp the tangible benefits of Brexit.

“A lot of Brexit is about recapturing the lost, halcyon days of feudalism for the born to rule set. If you’re going to lord it over your serfs you need a stronghold capable of inspiring awe and fear.”

It’s felt the walling up of English towns will better serve the loyal communities when the border skirmishes renew with the Welsh and Scots too.

“And let’s not forget the prospect of invasion from the continent,” the source adds, “the English have a handy knack of importing governance from overseas when it all goes to pot. But this time we’re doing it for ourselves. The French will be right out of luck when they land at Dover looking to steal our fish! They’ll be faced with strongholds.”

Local stone should be used wherever possible to “lower the carbon footprint of your standard motte and bailey.”

And remember, there’s no need to shout “Fechez la vache!” if you keep your cows on the walls at all times and ready.

Check. Change. Go. We’re going to build some walls and we’re going to pay for it!

WHO NEEDS AN INTACT COUNTRY ANYWAY : DOWNING STREET have moved today to beat back the brush of accusations regarding their failure to plan for any future beyond tomorrow’s news cycle.

“We’ve made lots of plans for Kent,” an alien in a Gove meat suit said, “I personally have spread myself exceptionally thin all over Kent. The clean up will last weeks.”

But what specifically they intend, other than the surprise result of Kent being in a different customs territory than (*checks notes) the rest of England, hasn’t been made public.

“I can tell you now,” the alien manthing said (wet lips, really wet lips), “it’s clear Kent is going to need a wall and no one is going to pay for it. But the magic is they don’t have to. We’re going to build the wall from a ready supply of raw materials that will be found all along Kent motorways. And in concrete monstrosities that used to be fields with trees.”

And it’s not portaloos, dumped like unwanted dogs in fields.

“The Great Wall of Kent is going to be built from the carcasses of abandoned HGVs. They’ll be stripped by foraging Kentians first, as the wires and other bits can be sold to buy soup. But the metal frames will stack very nicely one on top of the other. I suspect the wall will be ten metres high in some areas.”

And the advantages of all this are self evident.

“We’re going to have to hide Kent from view so the rest of England doesn’t get advance notice of just how much we’ve screwed it all up, until we come for you too.”

Countycide, with a little bit of profiteering on the side. Go Conservatives!

BORDERING ON INSANITY : EVERYMAN MICHAEL GOVE has appeared today to speak to lesser humans about his plans for Kent, once the Brexit transition period expires at the end of this year.

“They’re going to have a lot more sovereignty than the rest of England,” Mr Gove asserted, in what some took as a tacit admission that Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland would be leaving the UK. Along with Gibraltar. Now Kent. And presumably at some point Cornwall. Devon. Sussex. Norfolk. London. Manchester. And well, the rest of it.

“And to express the unique position of Kent in England the good people of Kent will be issued with passports,” Mr Gove continued, “this will allow the truckers to prove their eligible to dog in Kent. It’s unclear yet what the cover art will be, but I suspect it will feature parked trucks and not a horse. We are talking to the public about this right now. Interest is very high. Many would like the Kent national anthem to play when you open the passport. Like a novelty greeting card. Which makes a lot of sense.”

The consultation period over the design of the special Kent passport is expected to end on December 30th, leaving more than enough time to produce the new passports for the new year.

“I expect at some point Boris Johnson will take personal control of the design process,” Mr Gove went on, “right now he is mocking up designs with empty wine crates and kid’s paint.”

But while the cover art is still up for grabs the colour of the passports is already settled.

“Burgundy. Clearly. As anyone possessing them will have more freedom of movement than anyone without one.”