BRUSSELS – March 21, 2019
The Telegraph wrote that Theresa May would go to Brussels “on bended knees”. That seems to have been an understatement. LBC has learned that the EU27 has imposed utterly humiliating conditions on the PM before they would grant an extension to EU-membership to the UK. We can´t totally guarantee the veracity of the story, but it does explain why the European Council took much longer than expected. Here is an overview of the conditions of the EU27:
Mark Rutte, the Dutch PM, has allegedly asked May to dress up as a limbless knight begging Rutte for an extension of the duel.
The Belgian PM, Charles Michel, also a fan of British humour, then requested May re-enact the Silly Walks-sketch, which he renamed the “Prime Minister of Silly Requests”, befitting this occasion.
Macron, a staunch hardliner on the EU-side, seems to have asked May to step outside and take the Council by force sitting on a stick in lieu of a horse. Our sources tell us that once May failed at this endeavour, one of many in a row, Macron performed what our sources describe as “French taunting.” The performance allegedly involved une vache.
On behalf of Germany, Angela Merkel, has requested that the British PM stand in the middle of circle with the European leaders then pointing and laughing at Theresa May. The phenomenon is known as German Schadenfreude.
Eastern European taunting
The three Baltic states, adding insult to injury, have then proposed a next round of humiliation. It seems they amused themselves during dinner drawing a circle around the PM´s chair and requesting her to pay tariffs every time she left the circle to grab something on the dinner table.
The other Eastern European countries, led by Poland and the Czech Republic, allegedly (as we like to remind you), then requested May to sit alone in a locked room, like a political prisoner, and being forced to listed to the Soviet national anthem. This was, in all likelihood, a reference to Jeremy Hunt’s comparing the EU to the Soviet Union.
The Greek PM has proposed Theresa May to write a hundred times “EU bullies, going home [sic]” on the drawing board of the Council meeting room.
Matteo Salvini, the Italian PM, has reportedly told his British counterpart to drink a whole bottle of Italian prosecco before Italy would agree to the UK´s request of an extension. This is probably a retaliation for Boris Johnon´s insult involving this Italian beverage.
At this point, with the PM now reduced to tears, all eyes were now fixed on Ireland. Would Ireland spare her? The Irish negotiating team allegedly came up with a sophisticated game they dubbed the “Schrödinger border”. After she addressed the EU27 updating them on the political situation across the Channel, Theresa May was asked to withdraw so the EU27 could discuss her request in peace. She was made to exit through a locked door whilst Varadkar, the Irish PM, shouted at her: “You can do it! It is only an invisible border…”.
Let us know what you feel in the comment section where on Earth you believe we should take back control next.