Brits impatient for Mueller to hurry up and drain the swamp

LCD Views has conducted the biggest survey of its kind for this time of day to discover what the British attitude is to US special prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump (alleged, of course, only alleged) criminal presidency.

“Drain the swamp!” was one of the most common responses, and in a tone of voice that was rather impatient.

“How long does it take?” the British people also wanted to know, “and why not release all the dirt on the British politicians and charlatans caught up in the international kleptomanic, feudalist conspiracy so we can start locking them up! Then take your time with Trump, but preferably before he starts WW3 to stop the bloody pee tape coming out.”

From Farage meeting with Assange, to Boris suddenly talking Bannon talk about deep state conspiracies, to robbed Victorian grave Jacob Rees-mogg wanting to actually suspend parliament to stop parliament being a parliament, the currents flowing between the Trump swamp and the Westminster swamp feel strong.

“Maybe the famous British bridge builder has actually built a bridge?” someone mused, thinking of Boris Johnson’s obsessions with bridge designs (well, not designs, just suggestions of designs), “Mueller would know by now. Let’s find out!”

As the people surrounding the cheeto skinned, narcissistic freak show in the White House go down one by one to Mueller, week by week, surely it’s time to have one of our own nailed?

“It’s time,” the responses kept rolling in, “to turn back the rising tide of human hating greed and crime that has risen around the crumbling walls at the Palace of Westminster. If our own government won’t do it, because the executive is addicted to the shredder, then we’ll be glad when Mueller does, even if it’s only a British sub-plot in an American crime drama.”

Tin pot Maybot to taunt EU with “two world wars and one world cup!” in attempt to break border backstop deadlock

Little English diplomacy is set to ramp up to full throttle over the weekend as Theresa May returns to Brussels armed with a clincher to any argument involving de-contextualised nationalism, of the English variety.

”She’ll be power dressing and packing her fiercest extended stare,” aide to PM TM, Mr A B. Ottle-gin, told LCD Views, “oh, and her patented motorbike chain necklace.”

But what could she possibly say to Barnier now to have him suggest to the EU27 that the backstop is done away with, just to satisfy the DUP.

”Backstop means backstop, and I aim to put a stop to it,” she will open with, “and that will have the normally unrufflable Barnier disorientated. I expect he’ll have to sit down just to take it in.”

So that’s the one, what’s the two punch?

”It’s more of a sucker punch, he won’t see it coming. Although if he’s paying attention he’ll be clued in by her Saint George flag patterned power suit, I suppose.”

We promise not to print it, just tell us what the killer move is?

”Okay. She’s going to jab her index fingers into the air over her head one after the other while taunting Barnier with the staple of English diplomacy. Two world wars and a packet of crisps!”

You wot mate? That’s a TV show, isn’t it? And they were really likeable characters.

“Play the tape back. What did I say?”

(pause)

”Oh! Ha! Two world wars and one World Cup! Faced with that blast of British exceptionalism he’s going to fold and the backstop is dust.”

I doubt it. I see a score of 2-0 against May’s deal come Monday, if that’s all she’s holding.

James Dyson confirms he sucks

All round loveable bear of the British countryside (he owns thousands of acres, but why?) and man who specialises in cleaning up on worker’s conditions and advantageous tax regimes, James Dyson, has spoken exclusively to someone tonight, who spoke to us.

“I can confirm I suck,” Mr Dyson, reportedly (we have no confirmation, other than his actions), told someone, “and my actions blow harder than my hand dryers.”

The reason for the bold statement is the way in which James Dyson, a hot air pusher for Brexit, has decided to act faced with the near fulfilment of a political exercise he has done so much to promote.

“Of course I’m getting out of dodge,” he said, apparently, “what sucker would be stuck in Brexit Britain? And besides, with the business friendly environment in Singapore, and the FTA between Singapore and the EU, I’ll do well to be positioned there to both use my massive wealth to seize opportunities in post Brexit fire sale Britain, and sell my totally hygienic, new fangled machines into the EU. That’s a market of a half a billion people. Not many people know that. But a canny businessman like me sure does.”

Other people have speculated that even though Dyson is getting his business out of soon to be broken Britain, not exactly an act of faith in the future, he has deeper personal motives for all his actions.

“These ego driven billionaires hate the EU because they can’t bully it,” Common Sense told us, “so they try and tear it down to satisfy their vainglorious view of their own omnipotence, while simultaneously, privately, using their wealth and connections to insure themselves against the calamity they’re trying to visit on the every day working man and woman.”

So we know who blows hot air about Brexit. We know who is getting out of town (all the Brexiters) and we damn sure to all hell know who the suckers are if Brexit actually happens…

Home Office to deport everyone in Britain

“I’m just following orders,” Sajid Javid, Temporary Home Office Secretary, told reporters outside the departure lounge at Heathrow terminal 6 this morning, as he announced a bold new initiative from the Home Office.

”It’s Theresa May’s idea,” he added, “when she gave me the job of kicking out anyone she doesn’t like, on whatever spurious grounds we can imagine, she took me by the hand, you can see the scar still, and she looked me in the eyes and she said, Javid, my work is not yet done,

”Amber gave it some wellie, but you need to finish what I started. I actually had a vision in that moment that I was talking to Thanos, but like, a crazy and sadistic version who wants to get rid of not just half the population, but everyone,

”Anyway, I said sure thing, anything to get closer to 10 Downing Street. I’d sell my soul. Ha!”

It’s believed the total deportation policy also has the support of key cabinet ministers, such as the disgraced former defence secretary Liam Fox.

”Each of the 65m plus people who are set for compassionate removal as fast as possible, will become a brand advocate for Global Britain. It will make my job of getting trade deals agreed by the end of March much easier.”

But what’s the vision for Britain once it is completely cleared of people? A wildlife park?

”Ha! Don’t be silly. We in government kill animals, when we can, it’s great fun,” Sajid smiled, “no, we’re going to assess everyone and let a select few back in one by one to man the giant post box that Global Britain will become.”

And how will the successful applicants be selected?

”All will be compared to a colour chart designed by Ms May and then anyone whose skin matches the desirable part will be let back in. But it won’t be everyone.”

Man whose wife of over forty years won’t agree to ‘open’ relationship says she will once he’s sleeping on his friend’s couch

A man whose wife of over forty years won’t agree to an ‘open’ relationship says she will come around to his way of thinking soon enough.

“She’s playing hardball at the moment,” Figel Narage told LCD Views International Matrimony correspondent, “I would say she’s even a bit bullying, since I gave her notice of my intent to open a Tinder account, while still living in the marital home, but that’s just her opening negotiating position.”

Mr Narage is sure just as soon as he’s packed his bags and moved out to his friend Donald’s place on the other side of the pond, that his wife will crack and tell him he can sleep with whoever he wants, just so long as he drops by whenever he wants to sleep with her.

“It’s going to be the easiest open marriage negotiation in history,” Nigel is sure, “and I suspect by the time I’m spending my first night dossing down on Donald’s settee that I’ll have at least forty tinder dates lined up to get cracking with the next morning.”

So far Mrs Narage is showing no signs of cracking though. She’s even gone so far as to explain repeatedly and patiently to Nigel that the moment he’s out of the door she’s changing the locks and he can forget about coming around to drop off his laundry.

“She needs me more than I need her,” Mr Narage shrugs, “it’s just she’s guilty for how she’s been treating me over the years. Like the time she told me I couldn’t go on a golf weekend as it was her mother’s funeral, but I went anyway. Or the time she told me not to get a mullet hair do as I’ll look silly for that job interview, but I did it anyway. She didn’t throw me out then, why would she kick me out of the bed now?”

Mr Narage says he’ll call their marriage, after he’s moved out, a Global Marriage, or Matrimony 2.0, and he’s sure to make a success of it.

Fetch me a Log! Government pledges BREXIT DIVIDEND cash to build British car to celebrate ARE independence!

Take that Brussels! Downing Street is heralding a new dawn for the British car industry today with the promise of a taxpayer cash injected, revitalised industry which will produce cars for every man, and some women, after Brexit.

“It’s to celebrate ARE independence from Brussels, Berlin and Tokyo,” underling to Greg ‘bright spark’ Clarke, Secretary of State for Something, told LCD Views,

“for too long the plucky British car manufacturer has been beholden to pay tribute to foreign overlords, but no more! Now we cry fetch that Merkel! Take that Macron, We’re quite able thank you very much Abe!”

The car will be designed and produced in the fully equipped car factories the global car industry intend to leave vacant and waiting in Sunderland and is to take its inspiration from British icons.

”It’s to really stamp Global Britain’s character on the car,” the underling explains,

“Greg has designed it himself, well, at least the outline, symbolically. Rover, because everyone loves a dog called Rover, the Log, because dog’s love leaving logs all over and a Union Jack as its emblem, because the Union will both survive, and thrive, after Brexit with centralised and sensible governance from Westminster.”

Production is expected to begin sometime this year after we’ve liberated the billions fleeced out of the overly generous British pocket from the ever grasping continental hand.

”There’s many ways to spend the Brexit dividend. We’re doing it all over. But one sure way to keep the British public on the move is to cry go fetch a Log! And it’s not just for post Brexit supper.”

People are begging the Conservatives not to complete the 10 year challenge – find out why!

A new craze is taking social media by storm. The 10 year challenge! For the challenge people who are worried about wrinkles keep worrying about wrinkles and attempt to ease their concerns by placing two photos of themselves side by side to see if people can guess which one was taken ten years ago, and which one was taken today and had a bucket load of filters applied.

And while this is harmless fun for individuals, whose friends will be too kind to tell them, it’s a bit bloody obvious which is which (not in all cases, some of you haven’t aged a day! and we don’t just mean in terms of emotional maturity!), it’s also a boon for trolls to be invited to comment on someone they don’t know physical appearance.

“It’s a land mine for political parties though,” our social media analyst, Mr Pamphlet Phace informs, “especially governing parties.”

The reason for the concern is?

“It’s essentially a massive exercise in self-harm for politicians in power,” our analyst continues, “I would advise the governing Conservative Party to under no circumstances complete the challenge.”

Well, they can’t, they weren’t in power in 2009.

“But they were all fresh faced, porcine loving and about to be. To anyone unable to deconstruct the message they were sending out, they looked a little inviting.”

What was the message?

“We will govern solely by a sense of entitlement gifted by high birth and an ideology that understands nothing of the holistic nature of a country.”

So you tell them to stop now?

“Well, they won’t be stopping while they’re ahead. Unless you’re talking about the weekly polls that pretty much always show them edging Corbyn ‘fencepost’ Labour. No, in terms of achievement and record, well, just putting an image from 2010 next to 2019 says it all.”

So you’re suggesting they do a nine year challenge?

“Why not? It’s been challenging enough already for the rest of us.”

Home Office slammed over typo in No Deal Brexit prep poster

The Home Office is in the unusual position of being on the receiving end of criticism over the release of new No Deal Brexit preparation posters aimed at younger Britons.

“It’s come to something when you can’t even warn school children from lazy households that they will have to forage in the event of a no deal Brexit, or risk going without food,” Home Office minister, Mr Host Ile told LCD Views, “how can someone even say ‘starve’ is misspelt? I hear funny accents on the streets, and especially while sat on trains. Farve is probably a trendy way of pronouncing starve anyway.”

The release of the posters is timely, with the government attempting to secure a crash and burn Brexit to ensure the billionaire sociopaths backing Brexit get the Brexit they paid for.

“Bookies are now taking odds on which food will be rationed first after we leave the shackles of the tyrannical European Union on the 29th March and begin a new chapter of bold adventuring in the larders and bins of our nation searching for something to eat,” Mr Ile adds, “with punters getting into the swing of what’s coming it’s only right children know what’s expected of them.”

Nonetheless the posters will be withdrawn and reprinted with the correct spelling of the starve.

“That’ll cost millions,” Mr Host Ile advises, “but it’s okay because the chap who owns the printing company used to play rugger with one of my colleagues over at DExEU. I’d be surprised if anyone notices how much he’s charging for the glossy paper with all the Brexit chaos going on. Nice little earner.”

Newest U.N. Security Council Resolution Calls for ‘Planexit’

LONDON, NEW YORK – Yesterday the permanent members of the U.N. Security Council, led by the UK and the US, passed a resolution calling to hold a worldwide referendum on a Planexit to determine whether Earth should leave the Solar System. Already, the planet’s stock markets have plummeted.

According to the former British foreign minister, Boris Johnson, the planet spends too much on other planets of the Solar System.

“Each year, we spend billions of dollars on research and development on our neighbouring planets,

”Frankly, we don’t give a fuck about hydrogen creation or fertilizing the soil on Mars. People are weary of seeing stuff from space moving into our orbit without any form of restriction.” The down-to-earth MP added: “Those bureaucratic geeks in the space agencies are out of touch with reality.”

Burocratic geeks

Critics say the proposal is unrealistic and suspect the Russian secret services of steering a powerplay in the U.N.

Renowned physicist Jim al-Khalili stated that “leaving the Solar System might seem appealing to many people without a physics degree, but it is not easy to put into practice.”

The British Foreign Office has cast these comments aside as “fake news” and “elitist scaremongering”.

American president Trump reassured that ‘Earth First’ does not mean leaving the Solar System immediately:

“In the meanwhile, we will cut the funding of NASA and ESA and other nerd agencies to invest in things that really matter, like completing the wall with Mexico to halt alien incursions here on Earth. Furthermore, during the transition period we propose, we would still be able to continue to mine Mars, the losers’ planet, for the resources needed to build the gigantic nuclear device that will set a new spatial course for our own people and make Earth great again.”

Trump and May have cast critical comments aside as “elitist scaremongering”.

The referendum is scheduled to take place next year, but this time table is blocked by some ‘Planextremists’ in the Council. They reason that the concept of year is biased toward the heliocentric camp.

Cabinet minister to encourage street violence to promote the British knee

LCD Views has yet another exclusive today with the leak from Downing Street that British prime Rupert Murdoch will shortly inform his puppet Theresa May which cabinet minister he has chosen for a landmark speech. A speech that builds on the recent impression that numerous British politicians, activists and commentators have already forgotten Jo Cox.

”The speech will be about advancing the British knee,” the insider reveals, “It’s actually incredibly and shamelessly derivative from a famous black short speech from the 1930’s. Oswald Moseley is expected to be resurrected and clap in the audience. Of course he’ll be wearing a hi viz jacket.”

It’s believed interim DExEU Secretary Stephen Barclay MP is currently favourite, given his recent comments regarding the blatant attempts to intimate Anna Soubry MP, and select female journalists into silence on such peripheral policy matters as Brexit. Because that’s how we do democracy in the U.K. these days, you know, in the non-democratic way of shouting down dissent.

”It’s preferable to intimidate women,  people who aren’t white and gays initially,” the insider comments, “to show proper British men that if they attempt to defend someone less privileged then themselves that they’re next.”

The use of intimidation and street violence has a long tradition of achieving far right political objectives in the U.K., most noteably in the 1930’s.

”If people aren’t afraid for their physical safety then we risk the far right coup that is Brexit failing,” the insider adds, “and we need to support our street bigots in the hope PayPal will process even more donations for them, so we don’t have to overtly fund them. And of course, having the hoi poli who we intend to crush under our boots pay for the boots is just very ticklish.”

While it’s certain to be a serving cabinet minister giving the speech, most likely from the BBC towers on College Green, he or she can expect to be flanked by those Labour MPs and commentators who have also advocated going forward with the criminal Brexit exercise out of fear of letting fascism lose its only U.K. gain for decades.

”We’re going to invite Twitter star Tim Montgomerie to introduce the speaker after his outstanding tweets excusing the harassment of Soubry with an argument that is essentially ‘she was wearing a short skirt, so what did she expect’. It shows how far we’ve progressed since the bad old days. Victim blaming is as timeless as flares.”

Finishing touches are to be added to the script, but it’s believed it will begin,