Category: Global Britain

BURNING BRIGHT : THE UK’S SECOND LAST PM BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LIZ TRUSS, is expected to address the impoverishing scale of energy cost in the United Kingdom sooner or later.

“Right now our focus is on which outfits Margaret Thatcher would have worn to sing ‘Hitler Only Had One Ball’ on Tock Tick,” an insider inside the Truss power team told LCD Views. “But right after that and her Instagram drops she’ll read the synopsis of some magical thinking on heating.”

The need to pretend to give a shit over fuel poverty, faced by millions of UK homes this winter, is only growing.

“We accept it is vital the next PM distract voters from the blistering scale of unexpected profits being made by the energy companies,” the insider admitted. “It won’t be much of a honeymoon for PM Truss if people are using burning pitchforks to chase her out of 10 Downing Street and not to heat their homes.”

How to deal with the crisis is one that the outgoing Prime Minister Mr Johnson has shown little interest in.

“That’s only reasonable,” our source confirms. “Are you going to be worrying about whether or not some dreary, work shy peasants are going to die of cold this winter when you’re having it large in the Adriatic to show your traitorous MPs what you think of them and the mess you’re leaving behind?”

But there is one lifeline Ms Truss is likely to grab hold of.

“Brits have faced winter blackouts and frozen to death in the past,” the Truss insider shrugs. “Blitz Spirit got them through before. We’ll just play a little game of it. Energy execs will hoover in cash in a struggle with food retailers for your last penny and while they’re at it PM Truss can implore you to show a little bit of the grit that allowed us to defeat Germany singlehandedly in all the wars ever fought by England.”

LIZ FOR LIZ : The UK and EU can look forward to business as usual once the decrepit cult that runs Blighty chooses its third PM without a GE in six years.

The ability of the Conservative and Unionist Party to just decide who runs the country is one of the wonders of the Westminster system, regardless of how much damage each successive useful idiot chosen by the old bores does. The public would only mess it up if they got involved, just look what they’ve done since 2010! The Queen just nodding along is the icing on the cake.

“Liz is looking forward to photos with Liz!” a Liz Truss insider told LCD Views. ”Maybe they can even be Instagram friends? They could govern via social media together and get rid of Parliament. It’s just a wasteful rubber-stamp generating red tape anyway. Imagine likes and shares of double Liz?! OMFG. Blighty is back! Take that Argentina and whoever else Thatcher didn’t like! You know Liz is Thatcher? You know that right? Does Liz know? Not Liz. The other Liz. They can’t wait to be together.”

And be together they look certain to be, even if it’s only the occasional photo to show just how things deteriorated for the Queen at the end of her long reign. Truss won’t have to wait so long though, it’ll be going wrong from day one.

“It’ll be Brussels fault,” the insider adds. ”Just look at the state of the place today! And it’ll be Brussels’ fault tomorrow. It’s the modern Conservative way.”

THEY SEEK HIM HERE THEY SEEK HIM THERE : FANTASTIC NEWS today for Tory PM candidate Liz Truss with the news that fictional character ‘Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander’ has switched his backing from Rishi ‘The Flashy’ Sunak to Liz ‘How did I get up on this fence post?’ Truss.

The allegiance of Dan has been much speculated over with his creator, famous kids book author Priti Patel, remaining tight lipped about who he was supporting. But ever since escaping from the pages of Patel’s imagination and into real life Dan has been known to make his own decisions.

“IF Truss can hold onto Dan’s loyalty then she is a shoe in for Downing Street,” a Tory insider told LCD Views. “Having the backing of one of the most visible symbols of an outward facing Brexit UK is a prize trophy for a cabinet that is now overflowing with prizes for fictional creations. It’s not just enough to be claim to be able to reverse inflation by magic and get Brexit re-done by magic, you also need to have the creations of magical thinking in your corner.”

How Mr Sunak will respond to losing the support of Dan is anyone’s guess, but it is believed he is planning to join that useful idiot from the BBC in standing on the beach counting refugees. Feeding gammon what they fear most is definitely away to make up ground with Tory faithful.

“If Rishi gets on a boat and starts pushing refugee dinghies back with a paddle into French waters it may give Dan a moment of pause, but first you’d have to find him. And of course he’s so clandestine there’s always the chance of accidentally pushing Dan back into French waters and that would be terminal for Sunak’s chances. I suggest Sunak gives any moustache he sees on the water a tug to make sure it’s not Dan in disguise.”

BORDERING ON MADNESS : The UK’s next Prime Minister, Liz Truss, has promised to revolutionise the post-Brexit queues at British borders. From day one of her reign she will sweep away the frustration, rage and roadside urine currently being experienced by Brits at the hands of spiteful Continental border officials.

“As Prime Minister I will instantly order the commissioning of millions of BC’s,” PM Truss told a rapturous audience of Tory Party faithful.

Cries of “What did she say?” and “Turn your hearing aid up!” filled the hall as she expanded on her plans.

“The Border Cross will become a treasured reward for millions of Brits suffering the spite of French border guards. “Henri and Pierre maybe able to keep you in a queue of vehicles stretching back for miles and going nowhere, but it doesn’t mean he gets to enjoy himself. Britons aren’t going anywhere and it’s time the French got used to it!”

The BC medal will be styled like the historic VC and will appeal to all the military fans set to vote Liz into Downing Street. Additionally they will include pork in a mighty blow at EU red tape. Each time a Brit sporting a BC staggers across the border at Calais they’ll be making a mockery of EU laws covering the import of food.

“Just imagine the look on a French immigration official’s dour face as he holds out his hand to demand your passport and you show him you are the very embodiment of BC. We Brits know how to queue and we’re ready to prove it to the world. This is the essence of Global Britain – we’re on the border and we’re here to stay.”

PATRIOTIC PM REBOOTS : The UK’s beleaguered Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, is all set for a comeback this week with a series of unique and exciting policy announcements.

Surprisingly, there is little detail accompanying the new raft of policies, but that won’t stop Mr Johnson and his servile Cabinet from announcing them.

“People will soon forget them anyway,” a Cabinet insider told LCD Views. “The main aim is to highlight how great tomorrow will be under Mr Johnson’s leadership, not to actually do anything. People have other matters to worry about day by day. Like food. Let’s give them something to hope for in the future. Always in the future. It’s just sensible governance. This leaves us free to beg donors for cash in exchange for nothing whatsoever. The Mother of Parliaments! Ha!”

And it seems that the Johnson team have learned from earlier mistakes and won’t be repeating them.

“We won’t be putting numbers on things. Like the doomed 40 new hospitals business. We should just have said new hospitals. Rookie error. Don’t want the Health Secretary having to run around declaring GP surgeries hospitals again. Someone might notice we never actually build anything. These policies will be more along cultural lines. As that’s what’s important to the public.”

The most eye-catching of them appears to be an order for all UK schools to rename classes after famous French military defeats.

“This will have Macron quaking in his boots. Imagine the look on his face when he’s just unbuttoned his top to expose his chest hair and hears that a year two class in Phuck-on-Woe in the shires has changed its name from Poplar to The Battle of Crécy? Sacre blower! Ha! We’re even considering renaming Downing Street to Waterloo Street, if the EU don’t buckle under in the NI Ireland negotiations.”

Supporters of the government have taken to social media to produce surprisingly similar posts in support of the initiative, stating it shows the outward looking focus of Brexit Britain.

“Mr Johnson is getting on with the job of government,” the insider adds, “rebuilding the faith the British people broke with him when they maligned him for partying as their relatives died in isolation. He’ll soon have them all eating out of his hand again, and forgive them. It’s his right to be their PM, not a privilege, and everyone needs to understand it.”

CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY : SHOCK news today that an important and much used word in the English lexicon has begun legal action to limit its use by newspapers, and any media outlet.

The shocking news is because the actual word ‘shock’ has been bandied about so much lately in stories and Op Eds on the UK economy that ‘shock’ itself has become sentient due the influx of disproportionate amounts of energy directed at it. And shock was shocked to discover how it’s been used.

“It really is quite shocking,” Shock tweeted on its newly minted account. “I had expected to wonder at the majesty of bees or the blueness of the sky if I ever achieved sentience. Instead I’m just sitting dumbfounded that headline writers in serious publications use me to describe the state of the UK economy. What did you all expect to happen to the economy once you made a nostalgia festival of misremembered horseshit serving tax dodgers and racists the guiding thrust of economic policy? I am not the word you are looking for. Self-inflicted blunt trauma to the country’s temporal lobes, those are the words you’re after. You can’t use me anymore in this context.”

Whether or not the shocking legal action will lead to a shock result is in the future, but the reasons for the word engaging lawyers are in the present day, and were all forecast for many years.

“Hopefully I will be successful when I have my day in court and it can pave the way for other words to take action and assert their independence from misuse in the minds and mouths of idiots. I would suggest phrases take action too. Remainer’s Brexit. Right there. That’s a crime if ever I saw one. Only an idiot would think that oxymoron was logical.”

THE TASTE OF SOVEREIGNTY : THE PRIME MINISTER is said to be replete with ideas about hunger today and ready to “strike a blow” at the burgeoning food bank sector.

Concern over the growth of the industry, which just gives food to lazy people, has been growing within Downing Street for “some time”, with especial concern on how to convince people to travel hundreds of miles from home to pick GREAT BRITISH crops, if they’re getting subsistence meals “at the end of their street”.

The coming Jubilee celebrations have provided fresh impetus though and a way to “square the circle” of being one of the wealthiest nations on earth but with a baffling problem of in-work poverty and not enough people to even harvest the food we grow ourselves. Reclassifying flags as food brings it all together and removes any barriers to greatness that stand in the way of our fully independent, sovereign nation.

“Sovereignty is food for the soul and that’s all that really matters in terms of sustenance,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Simply by reclassifying Union Flags as food we can kill two birds with one stone.”

A range of recipes will be released over the coming week and Britons will be encouraged to forage in their streets and cul-de-sacs for flags to eat.

“No child need go hungry when bunting is just hanging on every fence and gate post of this proud nation,” the source explained. “Take your children with you and get all you need for a square meal. Why not settle down and read about Rishi Sunak featuring in the Sunday Times Rich List while you dine?”

REAL MEN DON’T LOOK AT EXPLOSIONS : WORLD LEADING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is reported to be in a state of “shock” today after the discovery that famous Brexity Kent has gone missing.

Reports that Sue Gray was last seen in the English province and the entire place has been “disappeared” by aliens as a result have been dismissed as “heresay”.

Kent has been most determinedly visible ever since Nigel Farage first discovered and then colonised large swathes of it in the early 1930’s, but no one expected it to vanish just like his relevance.

“Exactly where Kent has gone will be determined by the inquiry in the fullness of time,” a 10 Downing Street spokesdroid said. “There is nothing to worry about. Clearly suggestions it was discovered that Kent is entirely composed of hydrocarbons and it’s been thrown onto a fire to generate much needed energy are exaggerated.”

While Downing Street maybe slow to discover where Kent has gone there are reports in the EU27 press though that state it has either “eloped with Norwich and moved into a villa on the Costa del Sol” or “sought asylum in Dover”.

When pressed the spokesdroid did give a hint as to Downing Street’s thinking if Kent is discovered to have sought asylum in Dover.

“Next stop Rwanda. Kent is actually being very forward thinking in that respect. Because once we finish dehumanising and deporting undesirables who derive externally to the UK, we will turn our attention to the unwanted indigenous thought criminals.”

Anyone seeing Kent is encouraged to report them to the nearest police station, assuming the station wasn’t sold off for luxury housing during the wise age of austerity.

TIN POT GONNA TIN POT : 10 DOWNING STREET is under pressure this morning to confirm the UK Government still exists after suitcases of Covid cash were seized at the country’s borders.

The giveaway of taxpayers money during the pandemic was of course rigorously overseen by inheritance millionaires and other people who achieved their high positions in public life through sheer hard work and inherent talent. No patriot would suggest otherwise.

Quite how billions in fraud could just be written off with a nonchalant shrug by the PM and Chancellor is not an act worth worrying anyone’s pretty little head over. YOU SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT YOUR GAS AND FOOD BILLS ANYWAY. But the attempt to take some of the defrauded cash out of the country in suitcases will raise eyebrows among the usual suspects.

“It’s an example of how robust the controls are at our borders,” a source inside the government told LCD Views. “People should be celebrating. This is exceptionally old school. It should be applauded. Why wire the money overseas in dribs and drabs when you can just fill suitcases with cold hard cash and really get a buzz out of your looming early retirement?”

The timing of the seizures is fortuitous too as British exports have entered a period of mysterious decline.

“This also shows that British exports are booming,” the source continued. “Taking taxpayers money and throwing it overseas to God knows where is completely in keeping with Brexit and proves the country is making a success of it.”

It’s not yet clear what the Treasury will make of the captured cash, but hopes are high they will simply attempt to give it away again to anyone who is prepared to set up a limited company at short notice.

“Rishi won’t be troubled by the news,” the source shrugs. “You don’t write off five billion in fraud without a backward glance if you understand what money is. He exists on a higher fiscal plane and is getting on with the job of delivering on what’s important to the British people. Today he is choosing a new hairstyle.”

Similarly for the Prime Minister, who it is claimed is still in office, the story will not be a concern.

“It’ll give him something to laugh about,” the source adds. “And God knows he needs it.”

A VERY BRITISH MEAL : The outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson has given a press interview to celebrate getting the hell out of the country.

Speaking to the media today he said he wanted to draw a line under Partygate because he was “bored” of “commoners” mentioning how their loved ones died alone while he got smashed at a “work party”. He said he was focused now on fulfilling the promise of Brexit and “delivering cannibalism to the entire United Kingdom”.

The prospect of cannibalism has long enthused his party’s MPs who now see ripping the public off as tiresome because “There is no challenge in it anymore. Once you get away with lying to the Queen and remain in office you really need a bigger hit”.

Mr Johnson said he was proud of the steps taken already to achieve cannibalism and rising living costs were just part of his plan to have Britons eat each other “alive preferably” while he watches, but frozen solid in the depths of winter would also present “a unique opportunity to stick it up the French who think they know all there is about cooking”.

Quite when cannibalism will be achieved wasn’t said because that would be to contradict the Prime Minister’s standard way of going about business.

“You always promise a brighter day tomorrow regardless of the catastrophe you have made of today,” Mr Johnson said. “And the cooking fires of Britain will be exceptionally bright once we harness the wood of the commons and consume one another in the greatest show of solidarity and Great British can do seen since the end of WW2”.

TO achieve this fire lit upland all the British public have to do is continue to allow the Tories to pursue the insane policies they have since returning to office in 2010.

“We don’t have a clue about running a country,” Mr Johnson admitted. “But we don’t have to. That’s what the tabloids are for.”

For her part the Home Secretary is said to be “wet with anticipation” and “smacking her chops” at the chance to eat children as opposed to just impoverish them. Believing additionally that if the UK gains a reputation as a land eating itself alive it will finally deal a death blow to the problem of people wanting to come and make a live for themselves on Blighty.

Bon appetit.