Category: Global Britain

WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN: Saint George has resigned from his post as patron saint of England. He has packed his bag and his flag, which he is taking home to Turkey.

“I have been treated appallingly,” said the ex-saint, as he waited to be deported. “Once I was revered. Once I was untouchable. But now I’m an undesirable. Thank you Nigel Farage and the Daily Mail!”

There was a trace of bitterness in his voice as he trudged sadly towards his destiny.

“I could have stayed in the job,” he continued miserably. “But I would have been patron saint in name only. I am sick of having my name and reputation trashed by fat, angry, drunken men.”

If you’re leaving, what will happen to the dragon?

“The dragon is in government,” explained the immigrant formerly known as St George. “It’s too much for one man to handle, however mythical he may be!”

St George disclosed that a meeting with Nigel “Foghorn” Farage ended badly. “He just started raving at me, saying ‘Bog off, we’re full!’ over and over again.”

LCD Views can now reveal that Farage had an ulterior motive in offending St George. And he isn’t bothering to hide it.

“I intend to become the patron saint of the brave new world that is Brexitannia!” he thundered, at a public meeting specifically designed to flout the Rule of Six. He brandished his fag and pint in the direction of his tightly packed audience of fat, angry, drunken men. “It’s only fair after all the work I did to make Brexit happen! I slew the European dragon! Saint Nigel has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

“Saint Nigel! Saint Nigel!” chanted the hooligans.

St Andrew is staying put to lead a glorious crusade to Scottish independence. St Patrick is having great difficulty trying to translate the Good Friday Agreement into 3 word slogans. St David offered George a weekend hunting dragons in Snowdonia, but George wasn’t interested.

And Farage is now campaigning for the Union Flag to be known as the Union Nigel.

TANGIBLE BENEFITS : WE ALL recall the heady days of the first UK Covid-19 lockdown like it was only yesterday. Because it was.

And now as the infection runs rampant across the country once more it’s time to put away the nostalgia and get ready to make new memories. Stock up on those groceries! Get down to that pharmacy and beat the run on painkillers! Let the dog know he won’t be home alone again. Get ready to make new memories.

“And not just new memories,” a health minister tells LCD Views, “memories? Rhymes with bakeries. Am I right?”

Yes you are!

“And what do you do in bakeries? You make memories.”

This is a rising star!

“The second national lockdown, coming into force any day now, will give all Global Britains the chance to once again practice staying at home. Just the way we like it. And what do you do with day after day indoors alone or with the kids? Why, you bake of course! Splashing each other with flour. Dusting each other with eggs! Rolling one another in milk! The fun doesn’t have to stop just because you’re worrying if you’ll get to a ventilator in time.”

Many Britons did famously turn to baking to pass the time in the first lockdown and it’s perfectly sensible to expect they will do so in the second.

“See the tangible benefits of having disaster capitalists in government? You don’t want this pandemic over in a rush. You want to bake! BAKE! Why, by this time next year I wager Global Britons will be the sourdough kings and queens of Europe!”

MUTANT ALGORITHM : BREXFLIX – the streaming service which only shows Brits punching themselves in the face, has gone GLOBAL.

The latest development in the runaway, you could say viral, success story aims to build on the great achievements already nailed down with the domestic audience.

“Thanks to the nature of the digital universe expats and foreign viewers have been enjoying the hilarity of Brexflix for years,” an exec at the ambitious start up told LCD Views, “and now with the expansion pack they don’t need to wait for links on social media, they can get Brexflix streamed right into their home!”

The funding for the expansion of the eye streaming service is mostly from British state aid.

“But let’s not forget our international investors! If you want to destroy the Western alliances and cripple the EU’s single market for the benefit of US vulture capitalism you need a Global alliance of the willing! Brexflix – International Law Edition shows we have investor strength in depth.”

Initially the global launch will show domestic UK production, just like the good old days.

“Now people around the world can watch British lawmakers punching themselves in the face, in real time, in parliament as they rapidly move to make themselves completely obsolete as more and more power is vested in a crazed executive. And they’re so blinded by their own tears they don’t even see themselves doing it. But you can! Every hard knuckle hitting the bridge of the nose of the mother of parliaments.”

But once the international expansion is bedded in special editions like “What’s international law got to do with it?” will allow foreign fans to get directly involved.

“The USA looks like the best prime market for internationally generated content,” the exec reveals, “imagine endless streaming of anti-mask parades by MAGA hat wearing, gun totting lunatics as the forests burn around them and the seas rise? It think it’s fair to say that Brexflix may eventually run out of content, but if Donald Trump wins again MAGAflix will see us content rich until the end of (human) time in three or four years time.”

PUTTING THE PIGEON AMONGST THE CATS : THE UK GOVERNMENT’S TRADE negotiator SUPREMO LIZ TRUSS is expected to bring clarity to confusion regarding the world beating trade deal she recently agreed with the needy nation of Japan.

The deal itself is currently only agreed in principle, and may potentially be less favourable than the deal agreed between the EU and Japan, but it is ours. We made it. Much like a Boris Johnson bus project using empty wine crates. Almost as good as a real bus. And ours.

“They [Japanese] need our cheese,” Liz Truss is expected to remind the UK’s voters, “they’re incapable of making cheese like we do. This is probably because 70% of the population is lactose intolerant. Also, they can’t eat French cheese because everyone knows French cheese makes you surrender. British cheese makes you choose a hill and die on it.”

So far so good. But she will also set minds at rest regarding the startling detail that the UK-Japan deal gives Japanese lawmakers a surprising bagful of British sovereignty. This concerns restraint on state aid.

“Do you want auto manufacturing in the UK to collapse before or after the end of the Brexit transition period? It’s bloody obvious it needs to collapse in 2021 or there maybe a political blowback on Boris. This trade deal gets us over the line (so far as appearances go) and into complete and total anarchy in 2021. I commend it to the house.”

But just in case you are still puzzled why it’s okay to sacrifice more sovereignty to Japan than to the EU in the famous Oven Ready Brexit Deal, Liz Truss will set your mind at rest.

“It’s very basic,” she will say, “you don’t need e and u to spell Japan, now, do you?”

HOW MANY ABBOTTS DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE A VILLAGE : DOWNING STREET HAS NOT BEEN IDLE SINCE APPOINTING TONY ABBOTT to do a role he has proven to know pretty much nothing about.

But given that he’s going to be working with Liz Truss, not knowing anything is clearly a plus.

And while some detractors have suggested, unfairly, that the appointment is just the latest little step in the graft of Brexit, others have said the move is just to ‘wind up the libs’. Either is clearly a benefit. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

“It’s true we [Brexiters] don’t have any actual achievements to point to, yet,” a Downing Street source admitted to LCD Views, “but to expect any is to miss the point of our movement. Feudalism requires an international coalition of the willing to reassert itself. Tony Abbott is the perfect Australian to help with that. Especially as he’s not completely Aussie. He was born here. Do you know they call him the Mad Monk down under? He’s perfect.”

But what exactly will he be doing? Will he be paid by commission earned on trade deals?

“No! Ha! What? He’ll probably be paid in PPE contracts. Omg. You guys. How naive! We aim to make the UK a Global Village. And what does a village need? It needs an idiot. We can’t expect to become a world class global village unless we attract idiots from all over the world to our village. Tony ate an onion raw once on camera. He’s a perfect fit. He will fit in seamlessly with Grayling, Raab, Johnson, well the list is long. It’s a tangible benefit of Brexit. We’re Global Britain! One day we’ll be allowed to use a fork!”

In other news, a village in Australia has today posted a sign asking for a new village idiot…

Q. WHAT’S A PIRATE’S FAVOURITE POST BREXIT BORDER : The UK Government has signalled experts are back in favour as the country approaches the end of the Brexit transition period.

“Trade will become more difficult and expensive,” an aide to Michael Gove told LCD Views, “but that’s a Brexit benefit. And besides that’s only for lily-livered landlubbers who lack the grit and buccaneering spirit to make the most of Brexit.”

And make the most of Brexit Brits are encouraged to do, as that’s the most patriotic thing to do.

“There maybe some hiccups, naturally, as people adjust to the new reality,” an aide conceded, “especially as the new reality may resemble the 18th century. That being the case I can’t entirely promise it won’t cost you an arm and a leg. But that’s a pirate’s life for you.”

And Gove’s department, responsible for ensuring the seamless end to the transition, isn’t sitting idly smashed out of their brains on coke, or rum. There’s work to do.

“Experts are back in favour!” the aide reveals, “And The Duchy of Gove wants to fill its world with them. To show this we have a star hire to help us design the new customs border at Dover.”

And a world beating hire it is.

“We ran our flag up a pole and waited for the right man to hobble forward. Blackbeard carries a wealth of experience in maritime trade, especially customs borders, so we believe he is the right man to design no less than ten new IT systems. Ready to go by the end of this year. Four of them from scratch. It’s going to be world class.”

We asked Blackbeard for comment, but he wasn’t available. So to make up for it we’ll answer the question posed at the beginning of this article.

THE MAD MONK COMETH : DOWNING STREET is teasing the media scrum today by refusing to announce the day and hour this week when the U turn on hiring Aussie legend Tony “shirtfront” Abbott will happen.

“That would spoil the surprise,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “U turns aren’t planned in advance anyway, they occur once the pressure gets too much. Those who fail to plan plan to U turn. It’s our office motto.”

But the pressure is building, and not helped this morning by Matt Hancock telling Kay Burley that Abbott was being hired because Global Britain needs a trade envoy that brings a wealth of experience in homophobia and misogyny with him.

“I will say though that it was excellent of Matt to distract everyone from the PM’s disaster at PMQs yesterday. Now we’re all talking about Matt again. Which is how he likes it.”

As to what Abbott thinks about the furore over his comments on sensitive subjects, no one has bothered to ask.

“That’s because it’s well known he doesn’t think. He was actually separated from Dominic Raab at birth. They share one brain, cell. It’s a fascinating human story.”

Liz Truss is also rumoured to be feeling a little put out by the decision to hire Abbott descending into farce, as it was her one international success so far.

“Someone is going to have to help Liz. They have to be a bit dim and thuggish as that’s the requirement to work for post Brexit Britain. It’s because of who we intend to cut deals with once we’re free of the tyrannical EU’s minimum standards on human rights,” the source added, “Tony ‘onion eater’ Abbott was a perfect fit for the weirdos and misfits currently holed up in Downing Street.”

Still the U turn, if and when it comes, will presumably be welcomed as the excitement it will generate will conceal some other easily forecast screw up that also needs a U turn.

“It’s tough though,” the source shrugged, “we have to hire the idiots from the former colonies to help us make a success of Brexit. We’re rapidly running out of home grown ones.”

NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT : THE PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson has been forced to intervene today in the latest confected culture war, designed to distract from his government’s shambles in everything, and intervene he did.

“He took five minutes out from looking at Expedia,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “which for him is the ultimate sacrifice. Clearly, once he had solved the issue of national pride he went back to planning his paltry 52 weeks holiday allowance for 2021. But he’d earned it.”

But it seems the prime minister’s plea for people to stop examining anything inconvenient in the UK’s past, and focus solely on the present hasn’t achieved all he hoped. Because of the giant clustershambles he is making of the present.

“We didn’t even bother addressing his personal record of wasting billions of taxpayers money with no recourse and toxic personal life,” one introspective commentator commented.

“We just looked at Brexit. His baby. The issue that he was able to use racism and lies with to gain the premiership. A single political issue that has made the UK an international laughing stock. We’re now the only country in the history of the world to impose trade sanctions in itself. To burn en masse historical firsts like freedom of movement and continent wide reciprocal health care? To vote for the cliff jump on a pack of lies that have been exposed time and time again? To stamp its feet and shout at 27 other countries that it’s to be respected, while displaying zero knowledge of the areas it demands respect in? It’s pretty bloody humbling. Dominic Raab only just discovered Dover for crying out loud. And David Davis still thinks he’s a trade expert!”

And the commentator didn’t even mention aligning the country with 1930’s tribute act Donald Trump, the world beating mortality rates of Covid, the A levels shambles, the fact that foreign interference in UK democracy is so entrenched our elected representatives don’t want to talk about it, our actual prime minister leaving his wife during cancer treatment to move his then mistress into Downing Street and well, all the rest of it.

World beating.

Luckily for the prime minister though Brexit has long evolved into a state religion and something its supporters don’t cringe over, but are proud of.

“That’s because it hasn’t happened yet, in any meaningful sense. Just wait for the food rationing and water shortages,” the critic suggested, “then it will be time to stop cringing with embarrassment over our historical record because we’ll be too bloody ashamed of the present.”

TAKE A FIRM GRIP AND PUSH : THE GOVERNMENT IS GOING AHEAD with the long planned Museum of Brexit. LCD Views commends the government on its perseverance.

“The Museum will be open to the public at a time of escalating food prices and mass unemployment,” our Hysterical History analyst reports, “this is incredibly courageous. This is leadership. It will resonate with the self belief, confidence and oompf that made Brexit possible. And people who are worried about the cost to the public need not. It’s being paid for by US and Russian oligrachs.”

The centrepiece of the museum will be something all British people can be proud of too.

“We will come together in wonder inside the museum,” our analyst continues, “join hands in celebration of Brexit. There will be songs about donkeys and a replica of Boris Johnson defeating Junker at the Battle of Brussels. I expect more than one or two animal sacrifices at the opening, with lucky attendees getting to eat the carcasses. Or they may choose to sell the meat on the thriving black market. It will be about personal sovereignty.”

1930’s war memorabilia will also feature strongly, as is only fitting.

“This is to show the inspiration for many supporters of Brexit, and everything they’ve forgotten that the deadliest conflict in history taught us.”

But what will be the centrepiece?

“It will be the world’s largest turnip,” our analyst reports, with a wink, “and yes, it will be shaped like a thingy. A proper British thingy.”

Worship.

SACRE BLOWER : TORY MP SIR EDWARD LEIGH IS REPORTEDLY in numerous places after he spontaneously combusted.

The incident, which emergency services are describing as “Not terrorist related. Gammon related” happened as French President Emmanuel Macron offered to assist the UK with its increasingly appalling human rights record.

Speaking in front of a map of England in 1453 Mr Macron said he felt that governance in England had deteriorated significantly since the end of the dual monarchy at the conclusion of the 100 Years War.

“We would be willing to resume governance of England for a limited period,” Mr Macron offered in a personal letter to Sir Edward, “in order to rectify the appalling human rights record of your Home Office. We would take back control, if you like.”

It seems even though the letter was written in English, and not medieval court French, Sir Leigh immediately went from his standard colour of bright red to volcanic ember, before exploding.

It’s not clear if the UK government will take up the offer, although the UN has suggested it would be willing to oversee the taking back of control and ensure that once the UK electoral system was also reformed, and dark money removed from the Mother of Parliaments, then full UK control would be resumed.

The condition of Mr Leigh is not thought to be life threatening.

“This is due to the inordinately high degree of salt in his system,” a Doctor, overseeing his reconstruction advised, “which means he basically is preserved for the foreseeable future, regardless of how he is stored.”