Category: Global Britain

TRUMP WILL GO LIKE THE CLAPPERS : BORIS JOHNSON IS WORKING OVERTIME all through January as the deadline for the legal departure of the United Kingdom from the European Union looms on the horizon.

“Boris is drinking 24/7. Bordeaux mostly, with some Louis Latour Cordon champagne in the evenings,” a Downing Street source reveals.

“He is going to need a lot of empty wine crates to make the replica Big Ben in time for transport to Florida. Happily the public are ready to foot the bill for the craft glue and paint. And the RAF are on standby to fly Big Ben 2 to Mar-a-lago. The Atlas jet is fuelled and waiting on the tarmac at Lakenheath as we speak.”

But controversy has immediately engulfed the prime minister’s decision to construct a replica Big Ben to chime on the 31st January, marking the moment the United Kingdom takes its star off the Flag of Europe and sticks it onto the Stars and Stripes.

“Apparently Mr Johnson is choosing the wine himself and has not employed an actual sommelier,” the source admitted, “but if there’s one thing Mr Johnson has experience in, it’s wine. This is a storm in a teacup. Or a bubble in a flute, if you will.”

But shouldn’t the wine be English sparkling wine?

“Ha! That’s just for the plebs. Oh my God! You don’t expect Al to drink that do you? Wow. Listen. Tomorrow the Express is going front page with the story that Mr Johnson is using a pole dancer’s pole internally, to hang the bell on in his replica Elizabeth Tower. Focus on that.”

And who will ring the replica bell?

“Well that’s a sore point in the Conservative Party. Mark Francois is insistent he should do it, but apparently he’s having trouble getting a visa for the USA. Some wrangle over the trade rules to do with import of potatoes. So Mr Trump is going to do it himself. Which is fitting, as it’s the moment he becomes President of the United Kingdom. His handlers just have to educate him over time zone differences so he can strike the right note in time.”

Where will Mr Johnson be?

“Hiding in a walk in fridge on Mustique. Where else?”

LOOK AT US WORLD LOOK AT US ROAR : THE GOVERNMENT is moving ahead at speed with its plans for a Festival of Brexit. It’s going to be fantastic.

“James ‘Not so’ Cleverly has even reset his famous clock for it,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “he doesn’t realise it makes him look like a total plank, so he’s perfect for it. Stand in front of the jingoistic clock James and smile. You’re really earning your pay and extra holidays!”

But what about the festival itself? What’s to be the centrepiece?

“Something that completely celebrates the national IQ as symbolised by Brexit,” the source informed, “we’re going to burn it all to the ground. Then poor people will sweep up the ashes. It’ll be a hoot. The entire cabinet has been given front row seats. The general public will have to pay for it.”

But burn what to the ground? Manufacturing and services? Hard won rights, gifted regardless of the accident of birth over decades?

“Yeah, Brexit is putting the hoi polloi back in its box. Ha! Just imagine the pain of being a toff growing up in the 80’s and 90’s and watching the EU enfranchise those upstart plebs and your hard earned, inherited bank balance having little to do with it? Always completely baffled me why there were Lexiters, given the aims of the Brexiters, but we’re getting distracted.”

Yes. You still haven’t answered the question of what is to be burned to the ground?

“It’s a not a Wicker Man. Well. It is. But with a contemporary British, obsessional twist!”

WHAT IS IT? A BURGUNDY PASSPORT?

“No. But good choice! No. It’s to be a giant vegan sausage roll. They’ll smell the smoke burning in Brussels. Then they’ll know once the trade negotiations begin they’re really in for it.”

RED WHITE AND BLUE TAPE : BRITAIN’S MIA PRIME MINISTER, Alexander something something something Johnson, has been readied for return to the United Kingdom in alignment with both EU and British regulations pertaining to the transport of both smoked, and fresh, fish.

He was first placed inside a cool bag, than placed on an ice pillow inside a portable fridge.

The decision by Mr Johnson to cut short his budget holiday on a little known, sparsely populated desert island, has been taken after some expressed concern that he was sunning himself by a pool at the start of World War Three.

“He’s a bit peeved with Donnie to be honest,” a source inside the food packaging factory [readying Mr Johnson for transport] remarked, “he had hoped to complete Chillunary. It’s a thing where extremely wealthy men, who’ve positioned themselves into positions of power and responsibility on the back of just a shit tonne of lies, then take weeks off not doing their job. As it’s a political appointment no actual work is required. It’s the title that matters most. Underlings and handlers can deal with the day to day.”

But certain members of the British polity and press have expressed concern that Mr Johnson should cut short his chillax time and return home.

“It’s not as if Dominic ‘the navigator’ Raab couldn’t handle Iran all on his own,” the source continued, “he’s just completed the couch to 5km and is telling everyone he meets ‘I ran’ here. I ran there.”

The return of Mr Johnson will be welcomed though by the public who will be reassured by his double thumbs up press shots as Mr Trump flails about wondering whether he needs to commit war crimes or not to avoid impeachment.

“I will pull you up on something though,” the source corrected, “you’ve stated Mr Johnson is MIA. He’s most definitely not. He’s not in action. He’s been doing sod all except laugh at the plebs that elected him.”

GO HOME OFFICE SINGING ALONG : While the contenders for the Labour leadership come up with innovative ways to appeal to innocent, dewy eyed nativists, such as progressive patriotism, in attempts to continue the roaringly successful fence sitting policy which saw Jeremy Corbyn retain his seat, the Tories aren’t messing around.

The much trumpeted ‘points based immigration system’ is soon to be launched and it will be easy to score max points.

“Max points will get you the golden ticket,” a Home Office insider told LCD Views, “normally golden tickets are reserved for kleptocrats seeking to legitimise their looted money via the London property market, but Global Britain will need to attract a broad range of skills to thrive. Controversial though it is to admit it.”

Patriotism is clearly going to be a growth area, but sadly Boris Johnson’s ‘People’s Government’ of hardworking millionaires can’t rely on the people themselves to supply enough of it.

“Well, once the re-education camps are started that’ll change,” the insider continues, “but until that time we are going to need newcomers who speak, or whistle, our language.”

This language is straightforward. It relies almost entirely of misappropriation of conflicts and sacrifices of the past in morally unsound attempts to legitimise turning the world of today into a rights reducing, profit enhancing, global climate change exacerbating sweatshop for the profit of a minute percentage of the populace.

To this end immigrants applying to enter Global Britain, if there are any, will be able to smash the quiz by whistling the theme tune to ‘The Great Escape’, ‘Dambusters’, ‘The Bridge over the River Why’ and any other of the historical films understanding of the 21st Century for Global Britons will be based on.

“I hear there’s going to be a magic level too, or a level up if you like,” the insider added, “If you can prove you’ve shouted ‘Two World Wars and One World Cup’ at Angela Merkel you’ll get an instant peerage!”

Global Britain, accusations that the government is living in the past? We won’t hear of it!

ARISE SIR FROGFACE : The rumour mill is mongering this morning with word from Downing Street that famous potatriot Nigel Farage is to be knighted in this year’s Dishonours List.

“He’s been due one since the famous ‘Breaking Point’ poster mirrored fascist propaganda produced by a famous anti-immigration government,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “you remember the poster? Refugees? Who needs them. Arms sales and oil greed are what we need. Not the result of them. If you’re having trouble remembering the poster, he released it on the day Jo Cox was murdered. Something he described as unfortunate timing. To knight him really tells the world all it needs to know about Brexit Britain.”

That’s if it needs telling.

The gong will be future proofed too.

“He’s going to be knighted just as a knight of England. This way his ‘Sir’ will outlast the breakdown of the United Kingdom. Well, at least until the breaking apart of England itself, as the major cities secede and join the European Union.”

Quite what the Queen thinks about having to wield a sword slowly about Farage’s neck is not clear.

“She can always step down. Boris Johnson is going to legislate that Stanley Johnson is next in line to the throne anyway. He won’t mind the bad taste, just look at what he says on daytime television.”

If the rumours do become fact it may perhaps cause a ripple among existing knights.

“It’s a symbolic title anyway. So what if knighted Farage leads to a devaluation of the honours system? It makes it more accessible. Once we have finished our work remodelling Britain, I mean England, you’ll be able to buy a second hand peerage on the free market with a Brexit 50p.”

If they do knight frogface it will have one useful side affect, apart from making decent Britons too embarrassed to travel abroad with their blue passports.

When the country recovers its sanity and decency it can signal it by stripping Farage of his title.

MIYOOOOAAAWWWW : Do not fear Global Britons Larry the Cat’s future has been secured as part of the first stage of a Free Trade Agreement with impeached US President Donald Trump.

“He’s a taster,” an insider on secondment from Downing Street to the Department of International Trade told LCD Views, “we agreed the sale of Cobham for £4bn today as a dead cat, ironically enough.”

Larry the Cat has been sold to Trump Weapons, a subsidiary of Trump Steaks, but the sum received hasn’t been disclosed. This is because we no longer live in a functioning parliamentary democracy with the relevant parliamentary oversight of executive activities.

Asset stripping of an intentionally devalued UK is of course a key plank of Brexit, but people are surprised to see such an iconic feature of British politics, as Larry, sold off so quickly.

“No time like the present,” the insider explained, “we need to sell as much off as we can before people work out what we’re up to.”

But animal rights activists, and even ordinary voters have expressed alarm that Larry will now come to harm.

“He will be subject to experimentation,” the insider shrugged, “but it’s to fit him with thumbs. Cats with thumbs are the holy grail of weapons research. Imagine a cat with thumbs? Game over man. He’ll be deployed with special forces. Mostly likely to North Korea or Iraq. He’ll blend into the background and dismantle the entire country. Smoke and ruins in days.”

But Johnson watchers suspect there is an additional motivation for Johnson.

“I think anyone who suspects his ego is actually so bloody fragile he can’t handle living with a cat, who as a matter of course views him as subordinate, is presumably entirely correct.”

IF THEY HAVE TO PUT THE WORD DEMOCRATIC IN IT : The cod wars will soon start again in the North Sea but Global Britons have the upper hand this time, thanks to a rebrand which will leave foreign fishermen in no doubt over our resolve.

One of the many new clauses added to Boris Johnson’s WAB (the ‘B’ is pronounced ‘nk’) is a rename of the United Kingdom to reflect the new reality.

“We thought it best to put democratic in the name so everyone knows that removing parliamentary oversight, via a rushed bit of legislation, doesn’t mean the worst actors on the stage have taken back control of parliamentary sovereignty,” a source inside Downing Street said, “and we’ll be having a full military parade in the spring to celebrate Boris Johnson promoting himself to the rank of Field Marshall Wetherspoons.”

The new name will be emblazoned on the currency once Boris Johnson replaces the Queen on notes with himself. It will also be symbolic of the new era after the Fixed Term Parliament Act is amended next summer to legislate for a general election every ten years, instead of five.

“We will be using emergency powers to ban demonstrations too,” the source continued, “because democratic is now in our country’s name there’s nothing to protest about.”

It’s believed the rebrand will give the Johnson administration the upper hand in trade negotiations.

“Once foreign negotiators see that we now have ‘democratic’ in our country’s name they will understand that deals can be done swiftly, just by asking their opposite number for a bank account number and sort code for an account in the Cayman Islands.”

Global Britain. Less democracy is more democracy. Just like nurse numbers.

ROGUE TAKES QUEEN : Downing Street is not taking the threat of looming Scottish independence lying down. Well, Jacob Rees-mogg is, but Boris Johnson isn’t. Well, he’s slouching, but he’s kinda upright and focused on it. Okay, he expects to bully and bluff his way around the issue, while simultaneously threatening what he sees as a wayward colony with invasion. But. Well. It’s going to be a clusterfuck. Anyway.

“As part of the move to get ahead of the issue of Scottish independence we are banning all English immigration north of Hadrian’s Wall,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told Peston and Kuenssberg, who breathlessly tweeted it without bothering to confirm the veracity of the statement, “this is so patriotic English men and women, and children, and even pets, aren’t infected with unpatriotic ideas of the kind so popular in the frozen north.”

But while the move just seems obvious, especially if the SNP are now able to realise their long cherished ambition of independence, thanks to Brexit, is has drawn some criticism from within the government.

Speaking in the Commons to give his maiden speech, Mr Completely Eyeswivelling Batshit Insane, newly elected Tory MP for Any-on-where, had this to say,

“May I remind the prime minister of how successful the plantation strategy of William of Tangerine was in dealing with the Irish question,” the MP foamed, “and that it would be much more forward thinking to start sending patriotic English people north now to settle in Scotland. This way he will have a secure foothold when fantasists like myself begin demanding invasion to ensure Scotland doesn’t stay in the EU.”

What Mr Johnson will do with the advice isn’t clear. But he better get a wriggle on because rumours say that Sturgeon has already begun building a wall and that the English immigrants already there are going to pay for it.

RODENT COOKERY 101 : Daily the UK’s social media users are deluged with polls as the first, but not last, GE campaign of 2019 draws to a close. But don’t think the polling companies will be twiddling their thumbs after Thursday.

“Clearly it depends on who wins the general election, or if there’s a hung parliament,” Professor Hungry of NoGov told LCD Views, “the major salivation is over the possibility of a stonking Johnson majority. It’ll give us a completely new range of issues to conduct polls on. Culinary issues.”

And by culinary Hungry isn’t talking about what’s a proper Yorkshire pudding if it’s made of dandruff, are Brussels Sprouts even food if they’re foam toys from a child’s toy kitchen, or would Toad-in-a-Hole actually be improved by use of an actual toad?

“Actually, I’ll interrupt you there,” the professor said, “the toad one is one of the many new and exciting possibilities if Boris Johnson is able to unleash the UK’s potential. You won’t be affording sausage, but if you’re fast, and your garden contains a water feature, you may just catch yourself a toad. But how will they taste? And what demographics will favour them?”

And amphibious creatures won’t be the only life forms being polled. Everyone’s favourite, the rat, will clearly feature heavily.

“Come on. The country is heaving with rats, and not just in government. We all know they’re out there, and according to recent research, British people are already considering the best way to cook them. By far the most popular method is flame grilling. You don’t have to skin them that way, the hair just burns off. But there is a niche electorate who do wish to skin them first in order to keep the pelts for making clothes.”

If Boris Johnson and the charlatans surrounding him are enabled to unleash the country’s potential in the way they desire, you’ll be having heated debates about the bin fire over exactly what to do with that rat.