Boris Johnson to claim asylum in Ukraine

THE ASYLUM HAS TAKEN OVER THE LUNATICS: With his unpopularity at an all time high, Boris Johnson is on the lookout for an exit strategy. A good one. One that allows him to leave his disastrous term as Prime Minister behind, without the ignominy of resigning. 

The war in Ukraine, triggered right on cue by his psycho pal Putin, offered him an opportunity. The world’s spotlight is on Eastern Europe, conveniently close to Russia, and far enough away so that only the most sycophantic media can be bothered with him. 

Here, a simple walkabout in the deserted streets of Kyiv with today’s hero Volodymyr Zelensky, was just what Johnson was looking for. Publicity shots over, media bootlickers safely barricaded in their hotel rooms getting wasted on bootleg vodka, here was his big chance. 

Nobody knows exactly what passed between the two men in the presidential bunker. Certainly not Johnson, whose memory and mouth are in no way connected. Zelensky was not revealing anything, either, although his stony demeanour indicated something extremely unpleasant. 

Most reliable reports, or at least, the least unreliable ones, suggest that Johnson intended to claim asylum in Ukraine. And Zelensky, who wished Johnson a million miles away, was unable to refuse. 

Johnson will be able to hide in a whole country, instead of the traditional walk-in fridge. From this safe vantage point he will be able to watch the UK crash and burn, without being there when it happens. His loyal army of social media bots (paid for by Putin) will be able to assert that this only happened because of Johnson’s absence. 

In a sense this might be true. The crashing and burning would happen much faster with Johnson in charge. 

And when the whole sorry business is over, he can call Uncle Vlad to rescue him, his work done. 

And then Putin can send him to the gulags. 

“Just a mystery everything has gone to hell under Boris” – Downing Street inquiry

SEEING IS BELIEVING : 10 DOWNING STREET have released the details of a long awaited public inquiry into the impact of Prime Minister Boris Johnson on standards of living in the United Kingdom, and it makes for comforting reading for the PM.

“There have been some murmurings from traitors in recent weeks that it’s Mr Johnson’s fault that everything is going to hell in a handcart,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said, as he revealed the single A4 sheet of paper comprising the report into living standards.

“After an exhaustive wine and cheese event, during which living standards were discussed, we can reassure everyone that nothing is the fault of Boris. And all that Russian cash in Tory coffers has had no impact on decision making for over a decade. Also the decision to scale back green incentives some years back left us well placed to ramp them up in the current crisis.”

It is hoped the findings will help put paid to suggestions that the PM is terrible at governance, couldn’t really give a toss about your lives and surrounds himself with yes people who are more interested in wasting your money on professional photographers for social media postings then actually working out how to stop everything from the cost of living to plagues ruining your lives.

“Mr Johnson is deeply, deeply committed to the wellbeing of all of his subjects,” the spokesman affirmed. “Just look at how the stars aligned for that woman who was held prisoner for years in Iran. What was her name? Anyway, the details aren’t important. The moment we needed Iranian gas and oil she was free! See how the stars align under Boris!”

To celebrate the findings 10 Downing Street is planning a billboard campaign called “It’s a lovely day tomorrow”, which will place prominent images of happy, smiling people above the queues for food banks.

“The ruinous rise in heating costs is another example of the magic of the PM,” the spokesman added. “If you’re in the energy sector and wholesale prices are 1/3 of your costs you get to multiply those costs by the hundreds of percent and completely drain away the last financial reserves of the public. But the media will help you look elsewhere. In this way Mr Johnson can enjoy his champagne while sat on his gold toilet.”

As to what is causing everything to deteriorate, now that we know it isn’t the lies and incompetence of the government, the spokesman has some reassurance.

“It’s a complete mystery, but we suspect it’s the fault of the last Labour government.”

Knighting Tony Blair wins “Dead Cat 2022 Award” for Boris Johnson

OVER BEFORE IT STARTED : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to be suffering a serious low after only just being as high as a kite on his own genius.

The cause of the moodiness is rumoured to be the sudden awareness that he is unlikely to come up with a better dead cat to distract “the left” than knighting Tony Blair.

“The PM only really has a few things that give him a reason to get out of bed in the morning,” a worried 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Shagging is clearly top of the list. The whole country if possible, weekly. Drinking. That goes without saying. And winding up the left to distract from all the horrible stuff he does each day.”

While the honours system is now so debased that anyone pausing a moment could be forgiven for thinking a Johnson gong is actually a negative, making the gristly old T-Bone a Sir has done a wonderful job of taking many an opposition activist’s eye off the ball.

“This will blow over of course and the rampant and potentially criminal mishandling of the pandemic will come back into focus,” the source frets. “And a new dead cat will be required. Most of the ghastly stuff we do is wrongly called a dead cat, but Tony is a special one. But where to turn now? When you’re demolishing all standards of representative democracy you need to keep the people frothing and looking anywhere but at whatever Patel is doing.”

It’s thought there is some potential gain though in doubling down on Blair.

“We may make him Lord Islington,” the source grins. “That will keep the Labour activists scratching each other’s eyes out for a bit while we sell the NHS lock, stock and barrel to the US.”

BREAKING : Downing Street appoints Clandestine Christmas Party Planner

IS IT SECRET IS IT SAFE : Everyone in the UK can calm down now and stop worrying over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s seasonal party plans in his endless pandemic with the announcement that he has appointed a Clandestine Christmas Party Planner.

The new position has already been filled by an anonymous figure who is said to have studied the work of Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander closely to ensure they remain “completely invisible and serve no useful function at all, so far as the public are concerned”.

There is said to be a generous pay and entitlements package associated with the job with a “peerage virtually guaranteed so long as no one finds out what party games the Johnsons play this Christmas”.

The need for the British Prime Minister to conceal his rampant hypocrisy is becoming more pressing now. Once or twice ministers have been called on their egregious horseshit in television interviews and there is a concern it maybe impacting on polling. No one should be worried that the concern is public health and safety because “all that profit reducing nonsense went out the door with Brexit”.

“Rules will be broken and you will not find out about it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Normally we break rules to show you that we have the power, but now a change in tack is called for.”

The first job of the party planner will be to conceal the arrival of mountains of champagne for the Christmas period at 10 Downing Street. After that they will have to arrange a secret ball, which may or may not see some senior police officers in attendance, along with some famous journalists.

“You’ll never know, so I wouldn’t worry about it,” the source adds. “By the way you have to stop talking about Johnson’s pandemic rule breaking 2020 Christmas parties because they’re now listed under the Official Secrets Act.”

Boris Johnson’s Christmas “marked safe” regardless of circumstances

YOUR SACRIFICES ARE NOTED : Calming news for the shattered nerves of Blighty today with the announcement by 10 Downing Street that whatever happens the Prime Minister’s Christmas party plans will remain unaltered.

“The public should be in no doubt that no catastrophe or calamity afflicting them will stand in the way of the PM getting hammered in the festive season with his close circle of friends,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told the country. “Mr Johnson did not scheme, bully and lie his way to the top just to let tens of thousands of avoidable deaths among the plebs stop the champagne corks from popping.”

The reassurance that Mr Johnson’s Christmas is safe this year comes as the story breaks that it was also safe last year.

“As you were all making the great sacrifices required last year because Mr Johnson ignored the science and refused to lockdown in the autumn, preferring the pseudo-science, economic illiteracy of his Chancellor, Mr and Mrs Johnson were having a fantastic time with their friends in the public housing stock you pay for.”

The spokesman went on to confirm that last year’s Christmas Party at 10 Downing Street was “mask less” because they thought it unlikely to be able to source sufficient “Restoration era garb” in time for a masked ball.

“The Great British public can look forward to Christmas 2021 knowing that no new variant, no alien invasion, no thermonuclear war, no plague, fire or famine will stop the Johnson’s ripping the piss out of you in private, even as they urge you to behave in exactly the opposite way in public. Merry Christmas, those of you who have survived another year of Boris Johnson as PM.”

BREAKING : Masks to be worn in two places Tory MPs don’t go from 4pm Tuesday

PICK ANY VARIANT YOU LIKE : GREAT NEWS TODAY FOR WORRIED BRITONS that the geniuses governing them will not see any appreciable impact on their own lifestyles by the changes to the rules in the tantric pandemic.

Designing the rules around the lifestyles of Tory MPs and donors has been a key plank of pandemic policy, especially when it comes to the time to discard the rules. Now from 4pm Tuesday masks will have to be worn on public transport and in the supermarket, but not anywhere fun, so that’s alright.

“This is because the crafty little virus really only targets places where poor people go,” newly promoted Tory Minister for Infections, Basil Toilet-Brush MP told LCD Views. “You know, those little crowded cans they shuffle back and forward in to the mill. Or to mill as a low value economic unit may say. Also to market. But fine dining, the pub and the sweaty private rooms of private members clubs will be immune from the inconveniences.”

The decision to give the new variant several days grace before the change in the rules has also been seen as displaying the PM’s sense of “sportsmanship” and “fair play”.

“There’s no suggestion we will need until late Tuesday to pick donors to throw lucrative contracts at,” the minister reassured.

Fears about non-compliance with the new rules have been eased too, especially in the knowledge that Tory MPs are incapable of adhering to basic rules which safeguard other people.

“There are two places Tory MPs simply do not go,” Toilet-Brush MP stated. “That’s the supermarket and on public transport. So there is no need to fear any of us being fined for non-compliance. We will be in full compliance with the law. The drones who serve us will have to fight for themselves in Tesco. Or on the tube. But that’s fine by us because we don’t care. Now. Another glass of pandemic? It’s a very good vintage this year.”

UK PM “FURIOUS” after SAS refuse mission to leave burning bag of dog poo on Macron’s doorstep

WHO DARES SINS : The British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reportedly “livid” after the famous British Special Air Service refused a direct order to undertake a secret, diplomatic mission to France said to be “about Johnson’s level of statecraft”.

There were high expectations in 10 Downing Street of British boots on French soil, but not on the beaches, but those hopes now lay dashed because of an outbreak of “snowflakery” in the elite commando force.

“Is Mr Johnson the Commander in Chief or not?” a 10 Downing Street source asked LCD Views, because apparently no one in the famous address actually knew.

It’s said that the Prime Minister himself personally dreamed up the idea of taking a brown paper bag, filling it with Dylin (the prop dog’s) poo and ordering the SAS to sneak into France and leave it BURNING on the front steps of the Élysée Palace.

“What has happened to the famous fighting spirit of British troops?” the source queried. “Putting it up the French is the sole purpose of British enlisted men and always has been, without fail. Is this the 21st century or not? We’ll have to look at a private alternative.”

The decision by the SAS to refuse the mission means that a new defence force review will be ordered by 10 Downing Street.

“Clearly we need a patriotic to takeover. Preferably one who books their profits in a tax haven but makes their money in the U.K. We are going to need to modernise the SAS to make it fit for purpose for the bizarre mind palace the small man in 10 Downing Street lives in.”

For their part their French appear to have declined to comment on the leaked plans preferring instead to use their membership of the largest trading bloc on Earth to wield influence.

“SAS or SAD?” Mr Johnson is said to be asking anyone he can find inside 10 Downing Street, and will continue to do so until someone laughs just to make him shut up and go away.

Save Easter – British supermarkets ordered to put up Easter displays before Christmas

A PERFECTLY NORMAL COUNTRY : 10 DOWNING STREET is said to have solved the problem of how to keep morale high post Christmas in post-Brexit Britain.

Speculation had been rife that once the 90 days of Christmas concludes with actual Christmas 2021 that the public may feel there isn’t a lot to look forward to, but there is.

“We’re going to save Easter next,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “There was a lot of debate in cabinet over which national holiday to focus on next with Mrs Johnson pushing for Valentine’s Day, but she was eventually over ruled by a collective vote by some foreign donors. So Easter it is.”

The battle to save Easter will begin before the battle to safe Christmas is concluded in order to make the endless struggle to salvage national holidays “seamless”.

“Easter needs Great Britain more than Great Britain needs Easter,” the source explains. “As soon as we fill the aisles of the country’s supermarkets with chocolate eggs the people of this great nation will see that everything is under control.”

Extending national holidays over many months has become a key plank of Brexit governance.

“There is some speculation that Christmas may need to become a year long festival that begins on the 1st of January and concludes on the 31st December. But that is a decision to be taken after we actually implement the Brexit people voted for. Currently our borders are pretty much open to smuggle in whatever goods you like, so we may get away with just a three month long affair like this year. Everything is normal. Look! Doors have wreaths on them in November!”

Quite what the nation’s major supermarkets think about having to start saving Easter before they’ve finished saving Christmas isn’t yet clear.

“They’ll do as they’re told,” the source shrugs, “or the Prime Minister will turn up to one of their annual meetings and give a speech. And no one needs that when they’re battling supply chain issues.”

Youngest Tory MP retires early after selling his seat in parliament to oil giant

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : The government is said to be in a “stable, but bereaved” state today after the youngest Tory MP in the House of Commons chose early retirement.

Fitz Bangle Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth was expected to be a leading light as the Conservative Party continued to make head roads into the younger voting demographics, but it seems that will no longer be possible.

“We can still use him as an aspirational example I suppose,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Although I doubt he will be much use on the campaign trial. Mostly because he’ll be in one of his Caribbean homes.”

The Prime Minister himself is said to be feeling a deep sense of betrayal over Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth’s decision to cash out early. It is understood he had personally backed the youthful MP over a scandal involving a replica ivory shoehorn and a game of sardines which left several domestic staff needing A&E treatment.

How much Fitz was able to sell his seat for isn’t publicly available, as it is a matter of private interest.

“It’s in the hundreds of millions,” the source admits. “I mean would you cash out early otherwise? Given the earning potential of being a lobbyist for corporate interests in the Mother of Parliaments?”

What is also fuzzy at the moment is whether or not the oil giant will attend the Commons personally to vote.

“I suspect they’ll vote via Zoom? Flying back and forth from their headquarters in the eastern steppe to vote isn’t going to greenwash with anyone.”

Fitz Bangle Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth wasn’t available for comment as he was currently asleep after a late night “sesh” at some villa in Tuscany.

Critics of the MP’s decision are said to be furiously phoning around their corporate sponsors to see what the “going rate” is for their constituency.

“PMQs won’t be much changed over the coming year,” the source adds. “It’ll just be Starmer facing a wall of corporate logos on empty benches. Which is basically how it operates right now at our world beating parliament.”

MPs to take a recess so they can catch up with their second jobs

IF A JOB’S WORTH DOING: Hard working MPs are to have yet another recess. With all the crises and scandals taking up their time, many MPs have fallen behind with their jobs on the side. 

In Boris Johnson’s case, he will be spending the week sourcing a fridge large enough for the entire cabinet to hide in. 

A case in point is Phil Thirich, MP for Croesus Central. He posted updates on his live blog feed. 

“Another recess! Thank goodness the idiot Boris has finally decided to take the heat out of things,” he wrote. “My partners at Croesus Cash Cow Consultancy were anxious that I should fulfil my usual commitments. After all, at over £1,000 an hour, it’s a much better use of my time than sitting in Parliament listening to that dreadful snowflake Bryant. Not to mention having to memorise a new set of lies – I mean, lines – every few hours. It’s so tiring, when instead one can make a few calls, lunch, booze & shmooze, golf, dinner, and wrap up another few mill of business over brandy and cigars. That’s what puts caviar on the table, being an MP is just like a hobby, it helps me keep in touch with the right people, and the pocket money comes in handy of course.”

Thirich is right, of course. Obscene amounts of money don’t just earn themselves. Unless you are supposed to be procuring PPE or employed on a pay-per-policy basis. 

We ordinary mortals must remember that our MPs have their own priorities. They cannot be expected to spend all their time voting to pump shit into the rivers on our behalf. 

After all, given that so many of their constituents are obliged to work two or more jobs in order to make ends meet, it is only right that our representatives set a good example.