“You’re stuck with me” – May to tell Queen she can’t have any confidence in Tory leadership contest winner to form government

PUSH ME PULL YOU : “Honestly, it’s clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right” Theresa May is expected to tell the Queen, when she goes to see her in late July, at the conclusion of the Tory leadership contest.

“Whoever wins, it’s plain as day they’re a dangerous idiot,” Ms May is said to have briefed her aides in 10 Downing Street this morning, “and I’m a dangerous idiot. But better the dangerous idiot you know. You should all prepare to stay on as my prime ministerial aides through the summer and into the autumn. There’s not a snowflake’s chance in hell that I’ll tell the Queen to ask either Boris Johnson or Jeremy Hunt to form a government.”

The move by Theresa May to cling onto power is not a surprising one, after Jeremy Hunt informed the nation’s workers he’d quite happily jam their jobs into a shredder if it gets him elected Tory leader. And Boris Johnson revealed he is essentially high all the time on glue.

It’s believed that Ms May won’t wait until late July either to land the bombshell, she’ll foreshadow it this week.

During her regular meeting with the Queen she is expected to say quietly, “Just between you and me, you know you can’t have any confidence in the Tory leadership contest winner. Whoever it is.”

What constitutional law experts will make of it is anyone’s guess, although technicality May maybe on solid ground, until it turns to quicksand, as it always does.

It’s guaranteed to make the Brexit headbangers have brain explosions. May has done her job as their patsy, but she’s revealed she’s not quite insane enough to finish the project, so they’re looking for someone who is.

It seems the Tory party plan to stitch up parliament by concluding their leadership contest on the day parliament breaks up for six weeks, thus putting off a vote of confidence, May leave them screaming blue murder through the summer when Theresa May smiles maniacally and tells them,  “Contest winner means contest winner, but for the next six weeks prime minister still means me.”

Boronation Street – Boris Johnson’s private life promises UK a soap opera government

CARRIE, COME BACK BABE, I’LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN : The nearest 24 hour petrol station to 10 Downing Street is reportedly stocking up on emergency bouquets of flowers, as the tantalising prospect of a Boris Johnson government draws close.

“His private life is already a soap opera,” a source at TV Central told LCD Views, “the ratings are huge. It consumes the media and public attention day after day. News cycle reliant satire pages have no choice but to write about it, because that’s the only news! Just wait until Boris and Carrie settle into Downing Street. Day one they’ll probably start arguing over whether to hang a portrait of Boris as Jupiter in the lobby, or one of Carrie as Venus!”

Such pinch points are certain to cause drama to flare. It’s a good thing the door to Downing Street is so thick, and the windows quadruple glazed, or all the neighbours won’t be able to help hearing them.

And plans are already afoot to film the daily travails of Britain’s next first man and his current girlfriend.

“We think a fly on the wall style show would be the best format,” our source says, “Boris just wants to dominate the headlines, he doesn’t seem to actively give a flying what’s it about anything else, so we expect he’ll be well up for it. As to what Carrie thinks? Who cares! He certainly doesn’t, judging by how loudly she has to insist he removes his tub of lard off her. But maybe she’ll be touched if people take the spin on Coronation Street, Boronation Street, and nickname the ratings hit ‘Carrie’, instead of Corrie!”

And like a good modern soap opera it is almost certain to focus on hot social topics. Things like adultery, love children, more adultery, public v private life in the age of social media, racism and how to promote it (go Boris!), and even possibly, domestic violence?

But Boronation Street is just one of the potential titles for the show. There are many in the mix.

“It’s not nailed down yet, just like Boris’s bid to be PM,” our source added, “we’re also considering calling the show about a bed hopping PM, and the domestics his expected rampant infidelities will cause, CountryEnders, Shaggerdale, Bollocksoaks, Lieside, Shaggers City, Affairs (we’ve shortened Family Affairs, because family doesn’t seem overly necessary) or Willyside. It’s hard to get away from sex as a central theme. But that’s just Boris being Boris!”

And as a final tidbit, in advance of filming, every British soap opera has to have a pub, and the pub in Boronation Street is no exception.

“The Shaggers Return of course,” our source smirks, “which is a little ironic, because if the shagger is Boris, he’s not likely to.”

Boris Johnson claims his girlfriend could have been concealing a weapon

Boris Johnson, not the sharpest tool in the box, is suspected to have had a bust-up with his partner. Unconfined rumours suggest that Boris was heard to mutter, well she could have been hiding a weapon.

It has taken Boris some time to make his Mark in this Field. He was always a lover, not a fighter.

Baseless allegations have been flying back and forth. Some say Carrie Symonds’ sister emerged from Boris’ back door with a black eye. Others allege that a pig’s head was smuggled out under the cover of darkness. One possible explanation is that Boris’ bed broke after a bigly bonk.

Nobody knows whether Symonds was removed bodily from the scene by the neck. Feminism must have taken massive steps now that Tory MPs feel threatened by women. It’s never been the same since Thatcher.

“I did not have an altercation with that woman!” burbled Boris, the morning after. “There’s no truth in the rumours. It was self-defence, pure and simple. She started talking about the environment, and, well, it was instinctive. Everyone knows environmentalists are armed to the teeth!”

She would hardly come into the bedroom, scantily dressed, to kill.

“Dressed to kill? No, no, no, no, no, yes,” agreed Boris. “Who knows what she could have concealed in that basque! And stilettos are lethal, and I should know!”

You would never have done that to a man.

“A man in my bedroom?” mused Boris. “There’s only one weapon a man needs in the bedroom, and it’s not lethal! It takes me right back to the dorms at Eton, we had some fun back then, I can tell you. Good times!”

None of this dispels the suspicion that Johnson and his chums regard women as second-class citizens. Nor that this makes them first-class weapons grade cavemen. Even if they didn’t vote Remain.

Benny Hill theme tune to replace ‘God Save The Queen’ if Boris Johnson becomes prime minister

YAKETY BALL SAX : FANTASTIC news today on a badly needed update to Global Britain’s pomp and circumstance with the news that ‘God Save The Queen’ will be retired, should Boris Johnson succeed in becoming prime minister.

The famous jazz ditty, made famous by Benny Hill as the closing music in his long running smash TV show, is believed to better encapsulate the international reputation the UK will quickly acquire.

“That’s if we’re lucky,” a Whitehall civil servant, tasked with selecting the new national anthem, told us exclusively, “lucky in this context means that the Johnson premiership is one in which he does sod all actual work and just runs about the country bed hopping with young women silly enough to bed hop with him. Before attempting to escape them so he can hop into the next bed. It could be hilarious.”

But what if we’re unlucky?

“You mean, he actually tries to govern?”

Yes.

“Defcon 5 old boy,” the weary civil servant shrugged, “I’ll be retiring early to the south of France and I recommend you do too. It’ll be the entire budget year on year spaffed on the planning of vanity monuments that will never be built, while everything around you burns.”

And what if Jeremy Hunt takes the prize? Apparently Boris Johnson’s star has dimmed a little lately, although we can’t tell why.

“I can. It’s the hiding. Makes him look gutless. We want a PM we know will not only order the charge of the light brigade, but lead it too. Stiff upper lip and all that. Also, if you’re going to have domestics with your mistress, that’s fine, personal matter, but have the bloody good form not to let it become public. Poor show. Oh, and then there’s the ‘fuck business’ comment. One or two of the old management types left in the party found that beyond the pail.”

Now that all makes sense. But if Jeremy Hunt becomes PM?

“Creep, by Radiohead. The lyrics have old rhymes with down to a tee.”

“I’ve never met Boris Johnson” Boris Johnson moves to distance himself from Boris Johnson

BORIS WHO? Boris Johnson has released a statement today, exclusively to LCD Views, in which he makes a move to distance himself from himself.

”I um, paaaaaah, like Theseus purchasing a sewing machine, the old wheel of fate doth churn the butter off the fat of the young, blonde filly’s thighs…tasty!” the statement, apparently recorded by Mr Johnson himself begins, “and I say to Dunkirk! Take back your ships! I would already have dessert!”

And that wasn’t the half of it, for the love of God.

”Many ships have sailed the Straits of Eros and I have been the pilot of thighs uncounted. The uncharted pubis reveals, once, waaa, once touched by the bowstrings of cheap delight, flight into the night, before the verocious, judgemental glare of Michaelangelo and his palate from the Gods!”

It really is just a word salad, like anything Mr Johnson says, but he says it with energy and people believe it’s a flattened lamb slaughtered for a feast.

”So I say to you now! Under WTO rules, Gate 24, departures open, I do not know this Boris Johnson whose neighbours call the police in the night! It is Gove! The vengeful spirit. I know him. But Boris Johnson I have never met. Vote for me. Me. ME. And I will retrieve the shining ring from the fires of Mount Doom!”

We doubt that. Our advice to Mr Johnson this morning, after the domestics of the night, is to stop hiding as he’s just f*cking that up too.

Let us see you. Stand in the light. Your every move now will be the focus of the media and should you fall on your own clumsy sword, shared delight.

Alpha male Tory MPs to receive training in defending themselves against younger women armed with threatening ideas

SILVERBACKS : Relief amongst the red faced and swollen ranks of dominant alpha male Tory MPs this afternoon with the news they are to receive self defence training.

”It’s so they can protect themselves from younger women armed with threatening ideas,” Mr Gore Illa (MP for Recall-on-petitions) told us proudly.

”You don’t get your family to get you into a privileged position in politics only to have some bloody hippy pleb interrupt you at dinner in a posh building,” Mr Gore Illa continued, “when I stand up momentarily on my hind legs to beat my fists against my chest I expect it’s only my call that sounds through the forest.”

The training is expected to be so simple even Mark Francois, or Mark Field, can understand it.

”What to do with a woman holding an opposing view?” the MP explained, “you first ignore them. They’re not important enough. If they persist you glare threateningly and hope a sub member of the pack deals with them to make you happy. If that fails you bellow aggressively. And if that doesn’t work? Physical violence is the only reasonable reaction. You have to overpower them to make them feel afraid so they don’t interrupt you feeling important ever again. Nothing can be allowed to bruise your sense of entitlement. It’s about safety of reputation. Mostly as that of a brute.”

Critics have been quick to point out that there’s an increasingly long list of Tory MPs who don’t need the training. And taxpayer money could be better spent on more expensive lunches.

”Bloody hippies. Bad for the digestion. Who cares if the planet is turning into a boiling puddle of piss, so long as I’m not interrupted at a dinner reception.”

Brexit updates its terms and conditions to change “probable breakup of United Kingdom” to “certain”

Brexit Industries Latest : World famous digi-sovereignty software manufacturers, Brexit Industries, have released today an update to the terms and conditions accompanying their global smash Brexit app.

“Version 1.0 of our famous Brexit app was an immediate smash in the U.K.,” Brexit Industries’ CEO Mr Putin-Trump-Johnson-Farage-Tice-LexitisstillBrexitto told a packed press conference, via Skype, “we’ve changed the United Kingdom beyond recognition with our message to take back control and give it to us. And now, with the soon to be released Johnsonian version of Brexit, we feel it’s necessary to update the terms and conditions.”

Standard business practise in a rapidly evolving dark money funded, social media landscape.

”The change concerns the likely future of the United Kingdom as users lock onto and load the ‘buccaneering, seafaring trading nation add-on,” he added, with a smirk, before removing his tie live on air and adding further explanation.

”The ‘probable breakup of United Kingdom’ in the terms and conditions has been modified to ‘certain break up of the United Kingdom’.”

The change to the t&c’s is perhaps overdue, as anyone who spent five minutes researching the Brexit app prior to its release in 2016 was already aware of it.

”We’d like to reassure the users of Brexit that this change in no way impacts on the easy, friendly, outward focused, war festishising nature you’ve come to love while using Brexit. And for the 17.4m initial  subscribers, we don’t expect you to read the update t&c’s anyway. If you did you might become a remainernow user and we’d hate that.”

Brexit, there’s an app for that! Comes with free country destroying malware with every download. Delete your version today!

Man explains he thought throwing milkshake at Farage WAS community service

Chuck A. Beveridge, the man who threw milkshake at Nigel Farage, is confused. He has been ordered to do community service, but thought that he had already done that by throwing the milkshake.

Beveridge was hauled up in front of humourless magistrates to do penance.  “It’s a disgrace!” thundered magistrate Waring A. Silliwig. “In this great country, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England, one simply does not throw expensive drinks at fringe politicians!”

Beveridge was not to be browbeaten. “It was a spur of the moment act,” he replied. “I was enjoying a tasty, milky drink and minding my own business. Then this procession came towards me, accompanied by the stench of nostalgic exceptionalism, and led by a man I can only describe as Nigel Farage. I saw red, white and blue. I didn’t even think. I just launched the shake. I did it for the greater good!”

“I fail to see how defacing one of our minor celebrities constitutes the greater good,” replied Silliwig, with a trace of sarcasm. “You will do 150 hours of community service!”

“But milkshaking Farage is an act of community service,” Beveridge responded. “The poisonous, slippery little man has had it his own way far too much. Nobody is prepared to stand up to him. I think he’s milking it too much!”

“And you must pay for the clean-up!” continued Silliwig, not to be deflected. “The street will need to be scrubbed, and the non-recycleable cup and straw must be disposed of!”

“What about Nigel’s suit?” asked Beveridge.

“Yeah, I suppose we should get that cleaned up too,” agreed Silliwig. “Mustn’t have him strutting about with it like a badge of honour!”

“So you agree with me,” said Beveridge.

“Yes, but officially I can’t,” said Silliwig. “I’m paid to stick up for the wealthy and privileged. 150 hours of community service. Next!”

Beveridge may have lost his job as a result of the incident, but he has already moved into TV production. Tune in tonight for his new show, Celebrity Shakes!

Boris Johnson’s notes for managing No Deal Brexit leaked to press

PM WIFFLE WAFFLE : BORIS JOHNSON’S campaign to be prime minister looks sturdier today than yesterday after his notes for dealing with a No Deal Brexit were leaked to the press overnight.

“Raab is furious,” an insider inside Johnson’s pants told LCD Views, “Boris has copied his workings. So too Sajid. All three have exactly the same plan for managing a No Deal Brexit. Although between you and me I think Raab believes in it more, but then, he’s not that bright.”

The plans, which are composed of blank sheets in a vintage notepad, are more detailed than many expected.

“He’s got as far as opening a notepad. It shows he’s thought about it. I expect he’ll begin writing things down and crossing them out sometime before the end of the summer.”

What Boris will write down, and cross out, is the focus of speculation.

“One, blame the Germans. I reckon he’ll write that down. Then two, blame the French. That’ll go down also. His target constituency in the Tory Party will bray for that.”

And the leaking of the notes is expected to cause some ‘blue on blue’ action as the other leadership contenders hit back over what they’ll claim is IP theft.

“Raab will threaten to sue Boris for plagiarism, live on air, in that TV debate Boris won’t take part in tonight. Then Sajid will threaten to sue Raab, while Rory looks on amused because he doesn’t need a plan, because he’s not threatening to do it.”

Why Boris has used an antique notepad and not a new one isn’t entirely clear, but some have speculated it’s actually his little black book and that’s the only page he hasn’t filled with the names of fruity young fillies yet.

Matt Hancock pulls out after failing to come second

It’s a hard life, and sometimes you know when you are in too deep. Matt Hancock has recognised that Boris is the alpha male in the competition to f*ck the UK. He has retreated to get on with the job in hand.

“I wasn’t getting the satisfaction I wanted,” said Hancock, zipping up. “So I withdrew, went to my office and got on with what I do best.”

Which is?

“I’m Health Secretary, which means I have to look after myself,” he replied, wiping his hands. “Also, and this is completely unconnected, there’s this listeria outbreak to investigate.”

Which listeria outbreak?

“There have been deaths from contaminated hospital food,” replied Hancock, slamming down the lid of his laptop. “Hand on cock, I mean hand on heart, I have no idea how contamination could have entered either the pig’s head sandwiches or the cut-price bargain mayonnaise.”

In order to unravel these mysteries, LCD Views’ Private Passions correspondent spoke to Hancock’s long standing friend, Ivanka Lott.

“Matt’s always been a very private person,” says Ivanka. “He’s always been a solo operator. If you want a job doing, he always says, do it yourself. Mrs Hancock allegedly wants children, but is destined to be disappointed.”

There is no way he would ever be able to compete with Boris, Ivanka remarks. “Boris spaffs money up the wall,” she observes. “Matt spaffs money in private and conceals the evidence. The People like a man who proudly presents his personal peccadillos to the public. Matt is neat and tidy. Boris makes a lot of noise and a lot of mess, and expects someone else to clear up after him. The People just lap it up!”

Hancock entered with confidence, but his campaign soon went limp. We can only surmise how he consoled himself.

Fifteen minutes of fame? Let’s be generous and call it Hancock’s Half Hour.