BREAKING : Boris Johnson to lead clap for Owen Paterson

WHAT’S THE SOUND OF ONE TURD SPLASHING : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to take time out from his busy schedule napping this weekend to lead a clap for one of Britain’s most famous parliamentarians.

The decision to spend some time “awake” has not been taken lightly and rumours suggest it is against both Mr Johnson’s alleged handler’s advice and his medical specialists.

“It’s very dangerous for the Prime Minister to be awake at all over the next 48hours,” a leaked paper presumed to be from Mr Johnson’s doctor reads. “There is the real chance of reality temporarily intruding into the carefully crafted fantasy life that Boris has constructed. The harm could be significant.”

If reality is able to “get involved” with Mr Johnson’s perception of the world around him he will need to complete a full course of Pomerol AOC “Château Petrus” 1985. Although finding donors prepared to “pay for the Prime Minister’s arts and crafts supplies is becoming increasingly problematic”.

It is hoped that once awareness of the “personal sacrifice” made by Mr Johnson, when he spends time “conscious” either Saturday or Sunday, becomes public knowledge that a poll bump will follow.

“Owen’s contribution to public life needs acknowledging,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Few people who could have taken the lightest slaps on the wrist and then carried on as before are prepared to allow themselves to be used publicly in an attempt to destroy the last vestiges of accountability in our political system.”

The only potential risk for Mr Johnson clapping in public is thought to lie in the possibility of him taking the course of Pomerol before he tries to put both hands together and make an “audible sound”.

Puppet masters will be on hand to control the strings attached to this wrists during the event. That has been described though as “just business as usual”.

It’s time for an end of childish behaviour in parliamentary debates, says man still looked after by his nanny

MANNERS MAKETH MAN: We must end the outdated, and deeply annoying, tradition of behaving like children in the House of Commons. This statement from the Leader of the House, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is surprising from a man known to be looked after by his childhood nanny.

The only surprising fact is that he did not condemn the lower orders for lying down and taking a nap on the job. When it was put to him that this was a lie, he merely commented suavely, “One does not lie, one reclines.”

Long-standing Commons traditions of booing, making fart noises, coughing at inappropriate moments, and shooting dried peas from a catapult, were roundly condemned as being childish and rather silly. “Nanny always says that one should act one’s age,” he said, without a trace of irony. “She ensures that one is properly attired for one’s day’s work, and insists that one speaks with respect, even during playtime.”

Rees-Mogg further disclosed that during his years in the House, he had not once messed up his duties as milk monitor.

But what is life really like at home with the Rees-Moggs? Staff working at his modest 179-room mansion, with grounds occupying a mere 12% of East Somerset, were only too eager to spill the beans (and wipe them up afterwards).

“It’s hard to distinguish the children from the adults,” said under-butler Bowen Scrape. “When Jacob and Mrs Jacob line up at the dinner table with Unicycle, Duopoly, Tribble, Quattro, Pentagram, Sixtus, Septicaemia, Octet, Nonentity and Decadence, all with their bibs on, you don’t know which way to look. In the end, you just have to pretend it’s totally normal.”

“Bedtime is eight o’clock sharp for all,” said nursemaid Tanya Hyde. “They all sit around the fireside, while I read them ghastly 17th century fairy tales from a priceless manuscript. Then it’s a cup of warm milk, here is a candle to light you to bed, and a sharp smack if they step out of line.”

Peter Pan syndrome? Only kidding.

Aspiration Britain – life expectancy is above Medieval levels for “most areas”

PANDEMIC SHAMDEMIC : HEALTH SECRETARY AND BANKER SAJID JAVID spoke to the nation yesterday in a barely telecast spectacle of bollocks.

The key aim of the speech appeared to be to pretend that nothing is going wrong with the management of the pandemic in the UK, in spite of everything very visibly going wrong and many people pointing it out.

Quite why relaxing all restrictions and pretending the virus was gone, or could be controlled by “personal responsibility” has lead to such an extremely negative outcome is baffling for everyone. Sorry. For no one.

“We’re fundamentally incapable of understanding that the health security of the general population is linked to the economy,” a 10 Downing Street source defended the Health Secretary. “As such we think every fresh body thrown on the pile is worth a percentage point of growth. Mercifully we won’t consider the international comparisons that show not letting your country become a viral tip actually improves economic outcomes. But then what do you expect from disaster capitalists pretending to be a government? Oh and we’re complete wankers.”

Compounding the difficulties in not just letting everyone die are a few other factors.

“We’ve forgotten that life is sacred and the government is supposed to do it all can to preserve it, not just arrange bank transfers for mates off the back of a deadly virus. Oh, and there’s an insane streak of US style libertarianism in the Tories these days. Basically it’s a belief system that goes, if it’s not me dying my freedoms are worth it, no matter how unnecessary or small. Cough your last grandma there’s no way an ERG is wearing a mask in a crowded public place. That infringes on his inalienable right to be a complete cock.”

There is also another key metric that so far convinces the Health Secretary he’s on the right path.

“Anyway,” Sajid-19* shrugged, “so long as life expectancy in the House of Commons remains above medieval levels what is there to worry about? Now get on that crowded commuter train and back into the office you expendable plebs.”

BREAKING : PM unable to comment on damning pandemic report because “it’s siesta”

LET THE LIES PILE AS HIGH AS THE BODIES : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is facing no pressure to comment on the damning report into his handling of the pandemic as he’s on holiday.

The decision to go to Spain has been explained as a “coincidence” and he would have chosen differently had he known the report was due to be released this week.

“It’s not for nothing that Mr Johnson is known as a lucky general,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He manages to get all his troops slaughtered time after time and then gets a promotion. That’s seriously lucky. He’s unstoppable. You can all be reassured that the Tory economic plan for the future of the UK economy of just money laundering and arms sales is well in hand. Who needs to be in the office to coordinate that? No one.”

Some intrepid souls did try and reach the Prime Minister for comment, but they failed to raise even a whimper.

“That’s because Mr Johnson is a skilled diplomat and is respecting local customs while he’s in Lord Goldsmith’s villa in Marbella,” the source explained. “If reporters tried getting comment from him when he isn’t in siesta they may fare better. Just try him anytime before or after the hours of 00:01 and 23:59:59 any day. It’s really not too much to ask that his effort to fit in with his idea of the Spanish lifestyle be sacrosanct during a well earned break from accountability.”

When asked what the PM would have chosen to do had the MPs taken the effort to give him advance warning of the release day of their report, the source replied, “He would have ramped up his efforts. He would have gone the extra mile. He would definitely have gone even further away. Easter Island or maybe even Pitcairn Island.”

Government is not the job of government, says government

WASHING HANDS OF RESPONSIBILITY: The government has today denied that it has any responsibility to govern. Any individual having a problem with that should expect from Priti Patel’s heavies.

“People should look to family first, then community, then charity, then business, then Australia, and not come running cap in hand all the time,” stated government Minister for Doing Stuff, Bo Nidle. Rapturous applause from the audience, looking forward to another 52 weeks holiday this year. “The UK is a well-oiled machine.” Cheers from the well-oiled crowd. “It is up to individual choice how they govern themselves, the Nanny State has gone too far.” Mayhem, as audience members exercised Individual Choice to bray and holler and drink the bar dry.

Priti Patel drove home the point as only she can. “People expectin’ to be bailed out are wrong,” she screeched. “You’re all individuals, you can think for yourselves.” Her audience responded with a chorus of ‘Yes, we’re all individuals, we can think for ourselves.’ “Nobody wants the government interferin’ with their affairs. Anyone expectin’ us to do their hard work for them will be dealt with, severely. We will be turnin’ back the votes!”

But nobody typified the attitude better than Boris Johnson. “I used to like rules and regulations, you see,” he waffled. “So much so, that I decided, don’t you know, yes, no, well, you see, as it were, wiff waff, to make the rules, if you get my drift, make the rules work for me. But I’m bored now, I want to let someone else get on with the hard work, and that means you! Back to work, you lazy, feckless, useless British working classes, it’s your job to do stuff and it’s mine to sit around all day, drinking and shagging and talking bollocks, while drawing a massive salary!”

And if this doesn’t work out, well we all know who will take the blame.

Tory Party confident Johnson acting like a clown will charm starving masses

BREAD AND CIRCUSES : A source within 10 Downing Street has revealed the Conservative Party’s plan for helping millions of people adjust to the cuts to Universal Credit and increase in NI. The need to support the public is clear as soon even the food banks will be at breaking point.

“Boris Johnson is going to continue to act like an idiot,” the source reveals. “We’re confident that this will be sufficient to convince people choosing to skip lunch or dinner is the right choice. It’s worked so far. Although admittedly that has been in the long run up to dismantling the UK for asset strippers, turning what’s left into a parody of the 14th century and bringing back laws against the enticement of labour.”

Anyone who isn’t impressed by their Prime Minister messing about with fish and chips while their local school crashes and burns in the endless pandemic will find themselves swiftly corrected.

“If you think Mr Johnson accidentally throwing a custard pie into his face before walking blind into a lamp post and bouncing off only to fall down a pot hole isn’t a system of government then you are not very patriotic,” the source explains. “That’s what we will tell people.”

Further hijinks will be planned for the coming weeks as attempts to aggravate the EU to distract from the catastrophic failure of UK governance ramps up.

“We’ll be making some old school jokes about the French,” the source beams. “Don’t worry about that. We’ve got old Bonaparte on the run. The voters will be queueing up in anticipation”

Just like they currently do when there’s rumour of a drop of a fuel at a petrol station.

Downing St – “UK food and petrol crisis is fault of driver’s strike” like Brussels supermarket

MISS REPRESENT AT YOUR SERVICE : DOWNING STREET have had their “men who work in the shadows” busy this week, allegedly, attempting to pretend that the supply crisis worsening in the UK, post Brexit, is nothing to do with Brexit.

The exceptional wheeze is expected to completely cloud people’s vision when they go to the shop and “see nothing there” and then try and fill up with petrol and see “no petrol there”. Seeing is after all believing. And so long as there is one image on social media of an empty shelf in Brussels than Brexit is perfect. Even if the empty shelf in Brussels has nothing to do with the current supply chain pressures in Europe.

“It’s not yet clear how successful the attempt to deflect attention away from the UK’s worsening issues will be. This is because the only Brexit that could ever have succeeded was the Brexit in Dan Hannan’s mind. Nigel Farage’s mind. Boris Johnson’s mind. Priti Patel’s mind. Etc. Ad nauseum. Once the Brexit was let out of those bizarre little composting cages it was all over, for Brexit. Now we all have to pay for it,” said a Brexit expert.

We did ask the government for comment, allegedly, because just wishing shit away never solves anything. We’re increasingly concerned about feeding our children. Alongside wondering how many times they’ll catch the virus in Johnson’s tantric pandemic. But all we got was the following manufactured statement :

“The UK food and petrol crisis will soon be joined by medical and energy crises.”

Shortly after a correction followed,

“Ignore the previous statement. It was honest. This is the statement.”

We waited. It arrived.

“The UK food and petrol crisis the fault of a driver’s strike. Just like the Brussel’s supermarket.”

We tapped our fingers. This was not credible.

“The driver’s name is Tony, he comes from Bolton, he’s on strike and we’ve sent the army in to deal with him.”

MPs to take the place of low level offenders, says Dominic Raab

I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON: Recently relegated rogue MP Dominic Raab has come up with a great plan to avoid any unnecessary scrutiny. In his grand plan, low level offenders will be recruited to overcome the national shortage of competent MPs.

Naturally MPs must make the switch in the opposite direction. Any MP lacking the courage of his or her convictions can now have someone else’s conviction, for free.

The allegedly former senior lawyer and heartthrob with the throbbing vein in his temple believes that, at worst, nobody will notice. “The public thinks that we sit around all day, being fed and watered by the public purse, while doing nothing,” remarked low level offender Nick Sweets. “Honestly, the same could be said of most MPs.”

The famous anonymous Downing Street Source struggled to counter Sweets’ assertion. “It’s not true at all!” gibbered the Source, looking around desperately for some straws to grasp. “For example, only today Grant Shapps has drawn up a list! Boris Johnson has put on a Hi-Viz jacket! The list goes on!”

Meanwhile, people like Sweets will be given rigorous training to allow them to solve the MP shortage. The process is likely to be streamlined, says the Source.

“We will show them how to wear a tie,” said the Source. “As Mr Speaker will tell you, this is the first and most important duty of an MP. Their dress is designed to command respect. Then they will be shown how to vote, and told what to vote for. After that, it’s up to them!”

“The question is, do I want to sit all day with a bunch of criminals shouting at each other?” asked Sweets, reasonably. “On balance, I think I would rather stay in prison.”

While Raab and his fellow crooks hope that swapping their MP roles for a short prison sentence means that they will get off lightly for their crimes.

BREAKING : UK to return to “barter based economy” by end of next Thursday

MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND : THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER IS BELIEVED TO BE BEHIND a new plan to end the constant sense of dread and anxiety which is “dampening” down the UK’s economic recovery.

Convincing sufficient numbers of people to pretend the pandemic has ended was a key initial step in the recovery. Operation “I’m alright Jack” has seen many return to living as normal in the hope it’ll just be people they don’t know who die prematurely. Unfortunately the impact of Brexit is causing completely unforeseen problems.

“Rishi has decided it’s time to completely re-engineer the economy,” a source close to the Chancellor says. “It was a bit of a surprise what happens when you take a deeply internationally interconnected industrially developed country and rip it out of reality. No one at all could have seen what Brexit would unleash. It’s all coming totally out of left field to the genius inheritance millionaires sensibly given command of the country.”

But that won’t stop them meeting the challenges they’ve created for all of us headfirst.

“Barter is the way forward. Just for the plebs you understand. Really. Anyone who doesn’t have offshore accounts will qualify for a new Good Egg scheme. Under the scheme people will be given an egg and instructed to go and trade it for another food commodity with a neighbour.”

It is felt returning the peasants to a subsistence lifestyle based on bartering will end concerns over fuel and sufficient numbers of workers for all sectors of the economy.

“So long as international businessman continue to invest money into London and buy property here no one has any concerns about the Conservatives’ economic policies. If you’re lucky you might be able to swap the egg for some flour and then you can combine forces to make a pancake. Which will be lovely.”

After the first egg has been successfully bartered the scheme will end but the need to barter to survive will remain.

*eggs to be made of non-biodegradable plastic and supplied by a Tory donor.

Parliament begins three week recess because the country is so well managed

PARTY HATS ON : Westminster has gone into recess for the next three weeks. The decision to shutter the place is technically for party conference season, but really it’s because everything is going so well MPs are taking another well earned break to have some parties.

“Just look about you,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Everywhere you look you can see the impact of sovereignty. Shops. Petrol stations. NHS. Dentists. Control of our borders. It’s amazing what we’ve achieved in just a few months since we got Brexit done.”

Of course it has been long established that nothing can stop a parliamentary recess.

“Recess is the toughest manmade substance known,” the source agrees. “You can’t stop it. It’s like a runaway freight train and it’s left the tracks and is headed for your house. Unlike a grocery delivery. Ha!”

Conferences will be a little different this year with MPs wondering who has got the virus.

“That’s why Tory MPs haven’t been wearing masks in the House of Commons. Forward planning. Let’s all get sick now. One big measles party. Get it over and done with and have at the canapes and champers!”

But there are some who think perhaps now is not the best time to go into recess?

“Look. Have aliens invaded? No? Well. Everything is going just fine. Let’s all get together and tell ourselves what a great job we’re doing, if you’re in the government. If you’re in the official opposition, what’s the point of being in parliament anyway? Whatever crazy idea the Tories have had since 2010 Labour goes along with it. Austerity? Check. Brexit? Check. More Brexit? Check check check. Pandemic forever? Sure, check, just pick about the edges. It’s completely baffling why the Tories continue to run the place ragged when the alternative agrees with them on all the biggest things.”

Perhaps that can be discussed at conference.