Costa del Sol or South of France this summer? Brits react to Brexit extension via Expedia

“OMFG! We can go on our usual summer holiday this year!” Millions of Britons have reacted spontaneously to the news that Theresa May has ground the petrified EU27 into yet another retreat in the face of No Deal Brexit, “and not the English Riviera.”

“Costa del Sol or South of France this summer?” asked married couples, co-habiting couples, civil unions, bunches of friends, threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes and consciously un-coupled pairings attempting to recouple, who have realised that Tinder doesn’t have all the answers, and of course for new couples who realised it did.

Expedia is said to be powering up additional servers just to cope with the waves of relief. People can take a break from an island riven with xenophobia and nationalist politics and go somewhere they actually recognise.

“Easyjet are breathing easier too,” our continental break analyst says, after moonlighting temporarily as an airline analyst, “although I only know that because it’s bloody obvious.”

Being able to go to that favoured hotel, villa or campsite may not solve Brexit, but it will help reinforce to millions that Brexit is a terrible idea.

“I keep drunkenly opening up Expedia in the evenings to book the standard summer fortnight and going, bloody Brexit! and then closing the browser,” one metropolitan bubble, avocado munching elite told us, “I really want to find myself at the bar with someone not from my suburb, but a funny regional accent, trying to work out if they’re a kipper or not, while happily drinking insane Spanish spirit measures and laughing at the kids.”

Go Britons! We’re not sponsored by the travel industry, but we still say go! But don’t blame us if Boris takes over the Tories next week and crashes us all out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3YiPC91QUk

‪Theresa May demands Article 50 extension of 40-50 years in order to remain PM for life‬

BREAKING : THERESA MAY is expected to be crowned prime minister of England, and the other places (she can’t list their names off the top of her head) for the term of all your natural lives this evening in Brussels, after she successfully demands an article 50 extension of fifty years from the EU27.

“The ERG are going to lose their collective shit,” our Brussels correspondent observes, “like, out of their minds, scat all over the walls like a monkey with a runny tummy. Because as much as they sound off, not one, I mean NO ONE, wants the job of prime minister until Brexit is delivered (like the screaming child of Satan clawing its way out of the underworld). Although I expect Corbyn will be chuffed. He gets to keep sitting on the fence, always looking like he’s about to do something, till he pops his clogs. Nice. Works for both sides.”

It works for the EU too?

“Of course, this way they’re not standing in the way of a member state leaving, but if the member state is always sat looking out the door like the proverbial cat, well, they win too. Even the break clause of forty years will be acceptable to all.”

We expect this may cause some dissent amongst the ageing, and physically dying, membership of the Conservative Party?

“So what? Pandering to their type is what got the Tory party into this mess to begin with. If they don’t do Brexit younger voters will naturally ignore an institutionally racist Home Office, food banks, homelessness, income inequality, a housing market skewed to the interests of kleptomaniacs from offshore, a shafted higher education system, a demolition of youth and social services leading to increases in crime, a pathetic train service, environmental vandalism in the form of fracking while renewables are discouraged, and all the other things, it’s rather a long list. Put Brexit on top of that and the Tories are stuffed, but without it? Who cares! They’ve a bright future. Well, May does anyway.”

Surely she needs a different title then? Because this won’t be a normal premiership, it’s more like a banana republic where a president refuses to stand down.

“President? Yeah, I think we can get royal assent for that. Just think, now that she’s pulled this off, some people will go from cradle to grave with May as PM, if she lives long enough. Even Thatcher couldn’t manage that!”

Britons united around common sense of “how the fuck did we get so many thick MPs?!”

BREAKING : We have common ground! Global Britons are now united and can go forward arm in arm once more.

The common ground is not around what particular form of economic suicide via Brexit to go for, while throwing precious rights and protections guaranteed by international treaties into a shredder, but rather around a sense of outrage and bafflement when looking at Westminster.

“Seriously, how the f c u k did we get so many thick people elected to the lower chamber at one time?” the overwhelming majority of Global Britons asked.

It’s a good question. An important one that needs an answer and needs that answer acted on.

“The fixed term parliament act?”

“The MPs expenses scandal that led to a clear out of experienced, but grubby, hands in 2010?”

“The snap GE called in 2017 that didn’t allow sufficient time to vet new candidates and so any old packet of mince got a rosette stuck on it?”

“Alien overlords, bored of intergalactic space travel and taking selfies with supernovas decided to just hang out and mess about with the governance of a small group of islands off the north west coast of continental Europe?”

Shouldn’t they have better things to do!

Exactly how we got to this point will be answered, over the long term, but probably not by the collection of planks currently billing the public purse in the crumbling palace by the river.

“It’s becoming just a little bit embarrassing,” a Global Briton commented, “we make a really thick decision to do something really dumb on the world stage and then entrust a lot of really thick people to do it. I can’t show my face in public anymore. It’s cringe inducing.”

At least it’s not all lost. There is also a growing catalogue of very smart MPs starting to push back and take control. But in order to do it they’re having to fight a whole world of stupid.

LCD Views would like to encourage the sharp ones to keep going. We never wanted to live in the world’s first official Idiocracy and we’d appreciate bringing it to a stop.

Petition launched : Halt Brexit and launch a public inquiry into snack bar expenses of Mark Francois

LCD Views can report reliably that the UK is set to ask the EU for an exceptionally long extension to Article 50 in order to undertake a public inquiry.

“It’s not an inquiry into the criminality, sadly,” our law and order correspondent reports, “but into the snack bar expenses of Mark Francois. This is a result of over 16m people signing the petition calling for one.”

Calls for a public inquiry have been growing over time, most specifically into the criminality involved in the Leave campaigns, but so far the government is disinterested. This may, or may not, be related to the fact that serving Conservative MPs will just possibly be involved and sitting on hot seats.

“To be fair, you’ve got to start somewhere,” our correspondent says, “the eventual inquiry into all the crime will be massive. It will require a new government and the machinery of government will have to be well oiled by something other than graft. It’s thought the inquiry into how many bloody Mars Bars Francois has billed the taxpayer for will be good practice for the big one.”

LCD Views would like to commend the government for acting. For some it’s a little baffling when they see reports of well compensated members of parliament billing the taxpayer for petty sums, when they themselves wouldn’t bother attempting to hit their employer up for every single Malteser.

“Fair play to Mark,” our correspondent says, “you’ve got to get your snout in the trough when you’ve the chance. And if the money wasn’t going on his sweet tooth it’ll probably just be wasted on something trivial like a nurse.” 

Good luck with that – ‘The nasty party’ that hates everyone expects everyone it hates to save it from itself

We can report today from the stunning landscape of self-delusion on the state of the Conservative Party.

“It hates everyone,” our Tory party insider reveals.

We know that. We don’t make up figments of our imagination, and pretend they’re sources, to state the bleeding obvious. What else have you got?

“No. Wait. It hates everyone. That now includes itself. In fact it has so much self loathing now it’s so toxic it probably can’t survive being itself, which it hates, for much longer.”

Well that’s encouraging, given that until recently it’s specialised in just hating anyone that wasn’t it.

“Yes. It’s evolved as a party. Which is nice.”

But how has it arrived at the station of self loathing?

“Choo! Choo!”

Excuse me?

“The Hostile Environment Express.”

They’re on a train?

“Yes. And it’s called at every possible stop along the way. From racist immigration policies that have ruined the UK’s reputation abroad. From privatising every possible public service, merely to funnel public money into private pockets (anyone who thinks Grayling is a failure isn’t paying attention, he’s a runaway success). From running down the NHS in preparation to switch up from constant piecemeal privatisation to handing it lock stock to US private health care. From fracking in the grip of climate crisis. From punishing sick and poor people with insane DWP assessments. From…”

I think we can stop you there. There’s so many stops on the line and you haven’t even mentioned Brexit.

“Oh, that’s the final destination. That’s where the Hostile Environment engine explodes and takes everything with it.”

So let me get this straight, if the Hostile Environment Express doesn’t arrive at its final stop we can save the country and reverse back through all the stops on the line?

“We could. But what’s more important? Saving the country or saving the Tory Party?”

Don’t you mean the nasty party? To borrow a phrase from the current prime minister who, ironically enough, has fulfilled her earlier warning as prophecy?

“Everyone has to decide for themselves. But I’d suggest if we end up participating in the EU elections and it causes the Tory Party to destroy itself, they’ve only themselves to blame. Choo choo.”

I’ll stand at the nearest station and cheer that one along the line.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/apr/06/tory-mp-nadhim-zahawi-says-joining-in-eu-elections-would-be-conservative-party-suicide-note

QUIZ your knowledge. Is Mark Francois the Messiah?

After Mark Francois’s Messianic speech in the Commons yesterday, we understand that people are now considerably confused about who is the real Son of God.

LCD Views is happy to sort it out for you. Test your theological knowledge by taking this short quiz. The simple question you need to answer is: Who said it first? The vice chairman of the European Research Group or Jesus of Nazareth?

Take the quiz.

You’re welcome.

 

Fed up Westminster building now trolling its inhabitants

A fed up old mother of parliaments has begun to troll the MPs inside her both symbolically and in actuality.

”I wasn’t intending to troll them,” The Palace of Westminster told LCD Views in an exclusive, “I was just having a quiet sniffle. I was remembering Gladstone, Churchill, Attlee, Pitt the Foetus and any number of great parliamentarians I’ve seen over the years. May Erskine! Well. I was having a quiet sniffle thinking of how I now have Grayling, May, some career politician more interested in gardening than challenging an illegally procured result in a poll, Davis, Jenkyns, Jenkins, Cash, Redwood, Rees-mogg, Baker, Barclay, HandonCock, Williamson, Bridgen and oh any number of complete and utter nimcompoops, well excuse me, but what am I supposed to do with all that?! A sniffle quickly turned into out and out sobs!”

So that’s how the flooded that adjourned the Commons chamber started?

”Of course. But now I’m just laughing. I’m sitting here thinking up what next? Maybe a gas leak next time Irritable Duncan Syndrome gets going? Rotten eggs. Just like the man’s brains. Sound off the fire alarms when Raab starts bleating? There’s any number of things I could do to clear the place day after day and get some peace and quiet.”

But how will they get anything done?

”Did you listen to that list? Getting anything done is the least of their concerns. I’m mindful just to collapse my ceiling in completely.”

But how will they get Brexit done? You troll them all that hard they’ll have to go for a long Article 50 extension while they rebuild?

”Precisely.”

May rumoured ready to agree another EUref so long as Kremlin social media bots vote

LCD Views can report on a sudden and accelerating interest in digital technology today. Soon after we made it up a rumour began circulating that governor of the 51st state of Trump’s America, Theresa May, said she was close to agreeing to another EU referendum to break a legislative deadlock at the state capital.

“This is likely to make Britain a world leader in AI technology,” LCD Views democratic science correspondent declared, “to actually achieve poll participating algorithms? To cut out the middle man or woman, i.e. the physical voter, well, think of the money governments will save? And think of the return on investment for all the dark money sloshing about in bot farms?”

While it’s not yet clear if the tech upgrade will be ready in time for any confirmatory referendum on the UK’s relationship with both the EU and America, it’s thought the government has its best people working on it.

“Anyone with business dealings who coincidentally happens to be an elected representative at Westminster has been asked to contribute. Especially MPs who’s social media accounts tend to get a lot of traffic from profiles with sub 100 followers, but set up years ago. We need experts on the case if we’re to make a success of it and get it done in time.”

Critics of the proposal have jumped on the bandwagon though, claiming it’s bad enough already with misinformation and prejudice being pumped through the veins of democracy via social media from bot farms, without actually letting the bots vote.

But what do we care what they’ve got to say, the people have decided and now it’s the turn of the bots to rule.

Boris Johnson loses his leadership credentials down the back of his sofa

Wannabe PM Boris Johnson has had his leadership ambitions severely damaged once again. Following a cosy cup of tea with Tony Blair, Boris realised that his credentials had slipped down the back of his sofa.

Suggestions that he should jump on top of it and have a jolly good rummage around were scotched by the man himself.

“Quite honestly, the only thing I should be jumping on top of is that rather fine filly holidaying with me in Italy,” he spluttered. “The going is good to firm, luckily, and after all the jumps I will have a good rummage about!”

Johnson indicated that we should “bugger orff, you nosey pleb”, and ask his gentleman’s gentleman to search his furniture if we were that way inclined.

We felt a mixture of excitement and trepidation as we were ushered into “Bonking” Boris’ throne room. We took up our position on the large, comfortable settee as the flunkey went to fetch radiation-proof gauntlets and a skip.

First plunge. At first, we thought we had come up trumps. However, all that appeared was the tattered shreds of Boris’ credibility. Straight into the skip.

Second effort. Several large, heavy and clearly unfinished bridges came to light, none of which managed to span the Thames, the English Channel or the Irish Sea. Crash, bang, wallop.

Third time lucky? A sheaf of papers. No, not his leadership credentials, but forcefully worded polemics in favour of remaining in the EU. Totally useless now, of course.

Once more, like a small child desperately trying to win the lucky dip. This time, what appeared to be a severed pig’s head. In the subsequent, delicately chosen, words of the forensic scientist, it “looked like it had been interfered with”.

We also discovered vast sums of public money. But no sign of his leadership credentials.

It looks like BoJo has finally lost his mojo.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/boris-johnson-led-tory-party-will-defeat-revolutionary-labour-at-next-election-tony-blair-warns_uk_5ca0e243e4b0474c08d02dde?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvLnVrL3VybD9zYT10JnJjdD1qJnE9JmVzcmM9cyZzb3VyY2U9d2ViJmNkPTMmdmVkPTJhaFVLRXdpRWtZT29uSzNoQWhXUVFoVUlIZVNZQUxJUTBQQURNQUo2QkFnQ0VBMCZ1cmw9aHR0cHMlM0ElMkYlMkZ3d3cuaHVmZmluZ3RvbnBvc3QuY28udWslMkZlbnRyeSUyRmJvcmlzLWpvaG5zb24tbGVkLXRvcnktcGFydHktd2lsbC1kZWZlYXQtcmV2b2x1dGlvbmFyeS1sYWJvdXItYXQtbmV4dC1lbGVjdGlvbi10b255LWJsYWlyLXdhcm5zX3VrXzVjYTBlMjQzZTRiMDQ3NGMwOGQwMmRkZSZ1c2c9QU92VmF3MHZzMUhHRkJ5RGJVRkk3aGpnVndDOA&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAFjXMGKAeywO_DG6eFVHsnFwShtEiXA9gZ4Ts44O7DKebfmLGwUBtSURvgeVEwYdcjZ7bmJDaBpg1Fl9Es0MoybDbDiHv9CHePZLuauhJhxmEs8Eqzotdra5BDx4POFUtaAh9zRasV2ys5gWZ6BfL5umoWnCPHTP0F6Q31_jrPsz

May replaces references to “EU” with “Lalalaland” ahead of MV4

It has come to our ears that in order to secure this week’s fourth Meaningful Vote (MV), Government has come up with a cunning plan. It has decided to replace all references to the “European Union” with “Lalalaland”.

Over the weekend, Westminster strategists have been desperately trying to come up with new ways to sell the Withdrawal Agreement (WA) a fourth time to the House of Commons. Since the Speaker’s ruling, Government has added the so-called European leaders’ letters of clarification – in essence, brief cliff notes for MP’s explaining the 585 pages of the WA in laymen’s terms – for MV2. It then ditched the non-binding Political Agreement for the third vote. Now the idea is to replace all references to the EU with “Lalalaland” ahead of the prospected fourth vote.

One source told LCD Views that “this allows us for almost every no-voter to come on board”. Remoaner MP’s would not care to severe the UK’s ties with an oneiric place like Lalalaland, whereas the Little England ones would not be bothered to take rulings from it, he added. “It also has the advantage of smothering any concerns about the vilified backstop. Who cares if we have a land border with Lalalaland, or regulatory alignment with it?”

For legal purposes, somewhere hidden in the 585 pages of the WA would be a footnote explaining that Lalalaland stands for the EU. But what if MPs will find out about this? Our source: “Hahaha. You don’t actually think they actually read all 585 pages of the WA, do you? [Continues laughing hysterically. Five minutes later: ] Well, we only must prepare for two persons who might actually read it: Dominic Grieve and the Attorney-General, Geoffrey Cox.”

“We already dealt with the former by sending in a horde of paid Leave-zealots to his Constituency in Beaconsfield. He will be distracted by that for the time being, we hope. As to the Attorney-General, we plan on sending in Raab and Rees-Moog. They will distract him in his office bestowing upon him the virtues of a Brexit deal, like sovereignty from the ECJ and tax evasion possibilities once Raab becomes PM.”

If you have any ideas how the Government might sugar-coat the fifth, sixth, etc. vote on the WA? Do share your cunning suggestions on Twitter @emielnachtegael