Ministry of Excuses expects to be the busiest in Westminster

The government was back in fighting form today with the announcement that two billion pounds will be spent by Saturday to set up a shiny new Ministry of Excuses and Whataboutery.

”It’s a matter of urgency,” Tory Patsy MP, who no one has ever heard of before, told LCD Views, “and I am honoured to accept the position of Secretary of State for Excuses. My work will focus predominately on the decisions made by our current prime minister when she was home office minister 2010-2016.”

The Ministry is expected to poach civil servants from across Whitehall initially, before hiring thousands from an agency in which the prime minister’s undeclared second cousin’s former dogwalker’s husband is rumoured to have a share in. This is only alleged, as the company is registered in a tax haven no one can be certain.

”I think tomorrow I’ll just stand outside the entry to DExEU, as a starter,” Tory Patsy revealed, “as a quarter of their staff quit each day, fed up with making excuses for why David Davis is in the Commons bar and not reading his briefs. They’re experts.”

We understand the order to establish the Ministry of Excuses says it will answer directly to 10 Downing Street too?

“The prime minister is pretty pushed trying to arrange the omnishambles of Brexit, she’s not going to get that bungled good and proper to enrich antiques like Rees-mogg and chums if she’s taken up full time apologising for decisions made by whoever was Home Secretary between 2010 to 2016.”

We understand that whataboutery will be under your remit too?

”Yes, if excuses fail then you need to tar your opposition with the same brush as rapidly as possible. It’s a key to good governance.”

Tory Patsy MP thank you for your time today. By the way, are you aware your fly is undone?

”And you’ve got some tomato sauce on your tie, which to be frank is just as disturbing.”

Four Stooges choose Palace of Westminster to film ‘SNAFU’

LCD Views’ light entertainment specialist ran straight into a lamp post today after learning the new and anticipated film by the Four Stooges will be filmed in THE Palace of Westminster.

The film, which has the working title of, ‘SNAFU : The Wrong Hostile Environment’, is to be the first outing for the Stooges after Theresa May forcibly inserted herself into the group, after exhuming their bodies on June 8th last year.

“It’s taken time to get the original three stooges reanimated,” makeup artist on the production, D Hannan told us, “but by screaming at them twenty four seven for nearly a year they’ve finally begun to twitch back into life, if only to get out of the room we are keeping them in for a break.”

It’s hoped the Mo, Curly and Shemp will accept Ms May, given their lack of understanding of modern politics, as there were six of them at one time anyway.

“She’s had her hair cut especially to fit in,” D Hannan continued, “and anyone who doesn’t recognise an ongoing shambles just by glancing at her every action, well, they’d have to be dead. Although we’re hoping when they’re awake enough they may do some much needed work on her dialogue.”

The plot of the new film, ‘SNAFU : The Wrong Hostile Environment’ is to centre on the four stooges, employed as humble parliamentary aides, attempting to confuse media types into thinking a policy designed with hatred of humans in its core, the ‘hostile environment’, and based on presumptions last popular in the early 19th century, is actually about reuniting long lost family members.

“The hostile environment policies are not a tester for how we will forcibly deport millions of EU27 citizens once they reach retirement age,” D Hannan wanted us to be sure to print, “it’s just there because Ms May hates pretty much everyone, except some white people. And she doesn’t even like all of them!”

Filming is expected to start in the summer and will feature a cameo from opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn, as big a stooge as his governing opposite number, Mr Corbyn will be pushing at a door that says pull in the background for most of the movie.

Home Office advises anyone who can trace their wealth to 1066 won’t be asked to leave U.K.

Amber Ruddy Rudd MP has moved today among the subject citizens of the U.K. to bring reassurance and certainty to the growing number of people concerned they’ll be arbitrarily kicked out of Brexit Britain due to the executive now being clogged with xenophobic little Englanders.

Our home affairs reporter was on the campaign trail with the Home Secretary to see how things went down.

“I don’t know why you’d want to stay anyway?” Ms Rudd told two people in the queue with her at Greggs, “these sausage rolls are one of my guilty pleasures. I’m going to Waitrose after this to talk to people in the wine section there. Then I will have reassured all Conservative voters.”

When one of the people in the queue said that’s not very reassuring, Amber’s eyes glinted and she laid down the love bomb.

“My department, the homey Home Office, is happy to advise you, good person, that anyone who can trace their wealth to 1066 won’t be asked to leave either the United Kingdom, or whatever this place is post late March 2019.”

From the puzzled looks of the other people in the queue it seemed there was more for Amber to do.

“But what about the Windrush children?” One of them asked.

“Arrest this individual!” Amber shouted, “immediate deportation. Clearly an undesirable! Grounds, questioning government policy!”

Immediately a couple of burly G4S men stormed the shop and rugby tackled the dissenter to the floor, spilling a selection of princess themed cupcakes in the process.

“The price of those ruined cakes is going on your legal bill,” Amber hissed, “honest, hardworking British taxpayers money needs to be spent on bombs and letters to frighten people, not your vandalism.”

The man pinned to the floor muttered something about the “democratic vandalism currently being wrought upon the country by” but he was dragged out of the store before he could finish.

“Any questions?” Ms Rudd asked our reporter.

“Yes. Why stop at 1066, why not go back further?”

“You’re not very smart, are you,” Ms Rudd replied, “all the best people can trace their wealth back to 1066. And if we’re successful in getting Henry VIII executive powers, you’ll feel our executive power goes back quite a long way too. Positively archaeological. Which is one of our visions for Britain.”

Warheads of smart missiles powered by MPs’ consciences

The Storm Shadow cruise missiles used in the Syrian air strikes contain a secret weapon. The warheads contain a highly explosive substance, which the UK has been stockpiling for many years. This substance is highly concentrated consciences of MPs.

Parliamentary debate was once at the heart of the UK’s democracy. Heated arguments, fuelled by beliefs and conscience, would determine and refine policy. No longer. It is as if Parliament itself has been turned over to the private sector, whose only responsibilities are to stay in power and to make as much money as possible.

In exchange for this opportunity, compliant MPs are requested to surrender their consciences. Disappointingly, a majority have opted to do this.

Whistleblower Tess Tifye explained how the whole process works.

“It’s made out to be smoke and mirrors,” said Miss Tifye. “But the reality is quite simple. New MPs are ushered into a dungeon in the Tower of London. They are told that it is an initiation ceremony. Of course, most of them are ex-Public Schoolboys and accept this without question.”

They are then asked a series of leading questions, designed to entrap all but the most wary. An offer is then made, and the MP has to choose between feathering his nest, or a life of honest toil. Deal or No Deal?

“If you choose the former, which most do, then you must surrender your conscience then and there,” Miss Tifye clarified. “The questioner, Sir Nicholas Something or other, has been doing this job for as long as anyone can remember. MPs fondly refer to him as ‘Old Nick’.”

So what does Old Nick do with the consciences?

“He leaves them to mature,” said Miss Tifye. “The longer, the better. The conflict between the MP’s dereliction of duty and sense of right increases over time. They can explode at any time, but they work best when focussed upon a scapegoat. This makes them the perfect warheads for missiles.”

The best part is that the consciences may be used again and again. An MP may request the return of his conscience, of course, but in exchange must surrender what remains of his credibility.

Migrants make YOUR house cost more, says Dominic Raab

Housing Minister Dominic Raab has blamed the affordable homes crisis on migrants. His figures suggest that immigration has caused a 20% price hike over 25 years.

Raab is writing to the Migration Advisory Committee, instructing it to advise migrants to clear off. This, he believes, will give proper ethnic Brits a fair shot at the housing market.

LCD’s Paradoxical Positions correspondent took time out from Brexit matters to engage in a Q&A with Mr Raab.

LCD: Tell me, why are you presenting housing price rises as bad news? Normally it indicates a healthy economy.

DR: It’s the wrong type of price rise. It has been caused by migrants flooding the country, and greater demand pushes prices up. Migrants are bad.

LCD: Migrants are portrayed as coming here to scrounge off the taxpayer and drain our public services. How does this create demand in the house buying sector?

DR: They take jobs from the native Britons and buy their houses, rather than building their own. Mud huts, or whatever they prefer.

LCD: Explain how they simultaneously scrounge off the taxpayer and take our jobs.

DR: Let me be quite clear. We are at breaking point. Some get jobs, many scrounge, while genuine British people are unemployed.

LCD: All the figures show that migrants make a positive net contribution to the economy.

DR: And they force native Brits out of work. We need to take back control of the situation, close the borders and make sure there are British jobs for British workers.

LCD: How does that affect yourself? After all, you are the son of a Jewish immigrant, and married to a Brazilian woman.

DR: We are fine, because we are rich and important.

LCD: Taking two jobs which could be done by genuine Brits? You mean, because you are white?

DR: I am on record for being against positive discrimination, and in favour of meritocracy. There are good migrants and bad migrants, that is why we need border controls.

LCD: You are also on record for saying the British are the worst idlers in the world. How are they going to replace all the hard-working foreign workers who currently keep the country afloat?

DR: Universal Credit means work or starve. Possibly both. It’s another Brexit dividend.

Migrants come to this country, work, buy houses, and fit in. Like Dominic Raab. It’s just not good enough.

Government pledge to fix housing crisis by diversifying money laundering

Housing minister Dominic Rabbit is to fix the housing crisis by pledging government assistance to diversify the money laundering business.

”Money laundering is a cornerstone of the financial services offered by the United Kingdom,” Mr Rabbit is to tell journalists later today, while holding a shovel and a brown paper bag.

”For too many years now young people have been pushed off the ladder by our eagerness from the top down to assist wealthy people to legitimise kleptocratic wealth by investing in our capital’s booming housing market,” he will say, “well I pledge to you today that we are gonna my to find other ways to legitimise the ill gotten cash.”

It’s thought the flow of money into London from individuals who are unable to trust a stable rule of law in their home countries has been, “a rich seam we’ve mined the arse out of for decades, but now the political cost of this you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours is becoming apparent.”

So what’s to be done?

”Clearly your human centred Conservative government will seek to deflect the blame for the crisis onto immigrants,” Mr Rabbit will go on appallingly, “that’s just standard government policy now. But other measures need to be taken.”

It’s felt extending the bedroom tax to the rooms adult children are occupying in their parent’s privately owned homes will be part of the package.

”That will distract everyone very nicely with campaigns to stop it.”

But as to where the money will go that is being warehoused in empty flats?

”Into a state sponsored chain of actual laundromats that will run at a loss,” Mr Rabbit will beam, “oh and pizza parlours. Good old fashioned solutions for today’s problems.”

So this will make home ownership and renting more affordable?

”Only until the next election.” Mr Rabbit will wink, “we are a party of landlords after all. We need to look after our chums or who will fund us?”

Home Office promises crime stats will be slashed by new user pays Robocop police service

Amber Rudd was back in offensive mode as she announced the Home Office’s new user pays police service will slash crime statistics.

”The major problem is not the dramatic cut to front line police officers,” Ms Rudd told a ragged collection of MSM journalists this morning, including our own disheveled crime correspondent, Gary, “the problem is the reporting of crime. This has caused statistics to surge in a way that my department views as almost criminal.”

But she isn’t going to take it anymore.

”We will shortly be releasing a new technological breakthrough in crime reporting prevention,” Ms Rudd beamed, proudly pulling a string to part a curtain behind her, “just look at the force behind me and know fear. Criminals should worry too.”

Gary reports an awe inspiring sight.

”The curtain failed to part fully, leading Ms Rudd to stand increasingly motionless for almost a minute,” he reports, “finally she turned and attempted to physically pull the curtains apart.”

But this also failed. She then gripped one side and tugged forcefully.

”The curtain dropped to the floor in a heap and in the shadows behind a pair of electric eyes ebbed and flowed.”

Next was the sound of numerous motors whirring in the joints of the crime fighting revolution and the machine stepped forward.

What is said should strike fear into the heart’s of statisticians everywhere.

”For just fifty pounds a sentence I will record your crime,” Robocop offered, “have you suffered in a way that brings cuts to policing into stark relief? For just fifty pounds a sentence I will record your crime.”

Amber Rudd beamed proudly.

”I expect with our new user pays crime recording prevention innovation, you will read rather different headlines going forward.”

Corbyn supporters fall hook line and sinker for plot to keep novichok story playing

Saint Jeremy Corbyn’s supporters have fallen hook, line and sinker for the Tory government plot to keep the novichok story playing.

”It’s like shooting fish in a barrel,” Boris Johnson MP told LCD Views while hiding in our office from his wife, “the people who back Jezza are like the people who still back Brexit. It’s a faith based position. No wrong thought allowed. I don’t still back Brexit by the way, but I’m kinda nailed to the cross on that one, for now.”

Mr Johnson goes on to explain, while ducking down under the window, that,

”I’m unsackable. Think of all the ghastly crap I’ve done just since becoming Secretary of State for making the U.K. look ridiculous?”

We do. Constantly.

”I’ll leave post when I think it’s time to knife the Maybot in the back, chest, face and wherever else I fancy when I make my final bid to be PM.”

This depends on how you gauge Rees-Mogg?

”Correct. Fantabulous.”

So you cant be sacked by May if Porton Down contradicts some definitive statements of yours over the Skripal case?

”She didn’t sack me when I adlibbed on Nazanin and made her hot pot hotter. In another age and time my goose was cooked. But not in the kingdom of lies.”

So you’re saying the news that Porton Down not being able to verify the nerve agent was made in Russia is just another Tory dead cat on the table?

”Of course!” Boris accidentally stood and then ducked again, “his supporters are so fanatical, so desperate to counter the right wing press smears they’ll grab at anything. They’re falling right into the trap and doing the work for us!

You think a Daily Mail reader is going to believe the truth?

Amd how the hell can Porton Down prove it without access to Russian labs?

This buys us days of distraction regarding Cambridge Analytica. Time to rub out more of the trail. What! What!”

Well that makes sense.

”Nothing makes sense,” Boris winked, “Thats the Putin playbook.”

Downing Street to test Irish Border solutions by imposing a border between Camden and Westminster

Downing Street was so on the front foot today they were a few steps ahead of themselves and in danger of tripping themselves up as they announced they are testing solutions to the Irish Border puzzle by imposing a border between Camden and Westminster.

“It’s going to rock,” David Davis said, making a rare public appearance away from the subsidised Common bar, “I was having a swift one with Boris, well, it was more like ten, but that’s by the by, and he got out a fag packet and was going to throw it in the bin.”

Mr Davis intervened.

“I said, Boris, I’ve got a pencil and we can solve the Irish Border solution right now and save Brexit.”

What did Boris say?

“He wasn’t really paying attention. He was eyeing up this blonde filly in a corner and wondering if he was supposed to be running to her or away from her.”

But a few shots of tequila later?

“We did it. As my brain fizzed I knew it was obvious. We needed a guinea pig to test solutions out on.”

You’ve got the entire United Kingdom as a guinea pig though?

“Yes, but we’re in danger of terminating that experiment early. We need a smaller guinea pig. Like a micro guinea pig. Or just a little one.”

So that is how you hit on the Camden and Westminster border idea?

“I should hire you. You’re ahead of the story at each step,” Mr Davis swayed, “send me your CV. Or better yet, find out if you’re related to anyone in the cabinet. It’s a lot faster to screen new employees that way.”

So what’s the first test?

“The hard border. Military installations and concrete walls and barbed wire and machine gun nests. Pretty much how we expect the Irish border to look by 2025 once the organised crime gets involved in smuggling when we’re out of the customs union.”

Won’t that make for congestion in central London?

“Maybe you’re not as smart as I thought. There won’t be any congestion if no one can move between Camden and Westminster. It will actually improve traffic flows in London.”

But the hard border won’t work.

“Yes it will. People will just go to the end of it and drive around. It’s bloody genius. We impose a border. We keep the DUP happy and life goes on as usual.”

But they won’t be able to drive around the hard border on the border of Ireland.

“Don’t send me your CV,” Davis sighed, “you haven’t even heard of boats.”

Brexit phone app cures digital addiction by immediately turning smart phone into dumb phone

The addiction plagued people of Brexit Britain were given further reason to rejoice today as the new Brexit phone app, released today by Brexit Industries, was found to instantly cure digital addictions.

We spoke to head developer, Richard Head, to learn more about this exciting technological breakthrough.

“We didn’t design it to cure digital addictions,” Dr Head advised, “it’s actually an accident. Although with roaming charges set to return for UK citizens post Brexit, it’s probably good and timely.”

So what did you set out to do?

“We wanted to make it easier for our vast army of social media warriors to quickly respond to Brexit saboteurs online,” Dr Head said, “we figured if we gathered up all the stock responses to reasoned criticism of the Brexit strategy (using the word strategy loosely), then they could engage the app and let it do the arguing online for them. It’s a time saver, essentially.”

You mean turn every Brexiter with a smart phone into a Brexit bot?

“Yes. The Kremlin ones keep getting shut down. But if “you lost, get over it” and “I won, I can’t get over it” etc are coming off the verified phones of actual people, then that’s a nice work around.”

So the Brexit phone app is a bit like viagra? Developed initially for another purpose, but now found to have a real win-win value elsewhere?

“We’re not sure.”

Why’s that?

“Well, as it instantly turns any smart phone into a dumb phone, no one can get online to tell us how their digital addiction cure is actually working out.”

That’s evidence itself, surely?

“It is very Brexit. Lack of evidence taken as irrefutable proof. And completely self defeating. We are quite proud of ourselves.”