Brexit negotiations to be taken over by small girl who won’t take no for an answer

Britain’s botched Brexit negotiations have led nowhere. The EU has refused to budge a single inch, or even centimetre. Theresa May’s strength and stability have been shattered, and all that is left is her intransigence.

Leading Brexiters have suggested the perfect solution. All future negotiations will be conducted by a small girl, who has been carefully conditioned to kick off at anyone who says ‘no’ to her.

“Brussels needs to know that we are serious, and refusing to budge,” commented leading Brexiter Jacob Rees-Mogg. “Naturally one cannot volunteer one’s own daughter, since little Agrippina is a meek and well behaved child. However, it has come to one’s attention that the spawn of the lower orders tend to be as stubborn as fuck.”

The extensive selection process turned up a girl by the name of Molly Coddled. Molly, aged four, demonstrated her ability when her request for another packet of crisps was turned down. A twelve hour meltdown ensued, after which Molly was awarded the contract.

LCD Views was fortunate to be able to talk to Molly. Her mother, glad to be shot of her for a few minutes, took the opportunity to stock up on gin at the nearest off-licence.

Remember that massive meltdown, we asked.

“Yeah,” said Molly. “I was cross. I wasn’t very happy.”

What was it all about?

“Don’t know,” she said. “But I was cross, and it wasn’t fair, and mummy got angry, and that made me more cross.”

How will you deal with Michel Barnier?

“Who’s she?” asked Molly.

No, no, it’s a man.

“It’s a girl’s name,” she declared. “Why does the man have a girl’s name? That’s silly. Silly man.”

What if he offers you something you don’t want?

“I’ll throw it away of course!” said Molly. “Don’t want it. Have you got any crisps?”

No. It’s time to go home with mummy.

“BUT I DON’T WANT TO!!” screamed Molly. “NO! NO! NO! I HATE YOU! I DON’T WANT TO GO HOME WITH MUMMY, I WANT A UNICORN!”

The Incredible Sulk was eventually dragged from the room, kicking and screaming, by her harassed mother. The future of the country is in safe hands.

Government to use statutory instrument to rename Revoke Article 50 petition to something Brexit friendly

Anyone worried about what the barnstorming ‘Revoke Article 50 and Remain in the EU’ petition is doing to the already loosened bowels inside Downing Street can relax today, as they have a solution.

“The government is going to use Henry VIII powers to rename it to something better,” LCD Views Petitions Petitions correspondent reports, “and not a statutory instrument as we have falsely reported. We need to issue a correction as soon as we publish this incorrectly headlined article.”

https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/241584

But what will they be renaming the petition?

“Clearly it’s going to be the biggest cry of enthusiasm from the electorate since both Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn were returned to 10 Downing Street in 2017,” our correspondent explains,

“both with massively increased majorities, and a mandate to deliver the hardest of Brexit/Lexit’s, depending on who wins the game of Twister over it. So it’s only right that the government give the petition a name that respects the will of the people as expressed in the criminally corrupted, fraudulent opinion poll conducted a few years ago.”

This just sounds like representative democracy meshing nicely with plebiscites, so what’s the name to be?

“Well, some are demanding we get the Russians and a few American billionaires to run a referendum on what to call the petition, but others are saying there isn’t enough time and we should just phone up 55 Tufton Street and get them to blue sky dream it up.”

Both sound like democracy in action to us!

“I suspect the most likely new name will be ‘Back Theresa May’s Deal and Leave’, but if Labour front men are successful it will be ‘We really wanted Lexit all along, thank God Magic Grandpa is here’.”

Theresa May announces she will now govern on her own from a bunker

LCD Views would like to comfort citizens of Brexitannia with the warm, fluffy assertion that putting thousands of soldiers in a nuclear bunker to be ready to assist the government in a time of intentionally created calamity is perfectly sane and normal.

“It’s what healthy, functioning, representative democracies do all the time in the 21st Century,” our civil defence correspondent (a new hire, just tonight) said, “the French, Germans, Portuguese, they’ll be doing it next just to show they’re following the British lead.”

Anyone worried about disorderly behaviour in food ration queues, or who may fear they have to get passed fellow rioters to get insulin for that diabetic relative, need not worry at all, because the army will be on standby to ensure complete and total obedience to whatever Theresa May decides is law on the day.

“The bunker is fitted out with the most modern analogue television broadcast equipment too,” our correspondent adds, “so Mother May, as she will be called from the 30th of March, can broadcast speeches to tell everyone in the United Kingdom how well the war we have declared upon ourselves is going.”

We can win this war against ourselves Britons, if we all believe, if we all get together and push.

“It’s understood Mother’s first broadcast will focus on how right Charles 1st was to suspend parliament and how history has been rewritten to make him look bad.”

What about the Glorious Revolution that saw an end to the love found in the divine rule of autocratic heads of state appointed by God to govern the country?

“Well, we won’t be mentioning that too much,” our correspondent soothes, “because that involved some foreigner coming across the channel to help sort out a complete collapse of indigenous government.”

May to redo last night’s rant as she forgot to also blame the Queen

Fantastic news for lovers of hysterical, and historic, speeches today with the announcement that Prime Minister Theresa May will be redoing last night’s smash hit oratory over.

“It was rousing stuff the first time around,” a section of the carpet under her feet last night commented,

“but you know what they say, the only good rewriting is rewriting. And the moment she gave the patented power stare for the Daily Mail to use on its front page, turned and robotically lurched away, she knew she could improve even on what was already a tour de force in attribution of blame.”

It’s believed that later today the podium will be carried outside the door of 10 Downing Street so May can talk to the nation again.

”So soon? What a treat,” the carpet unrolled, “but I can tell you that she won’t be giving the recooked speech this afternoon, but informing the nation from the podium that she will be doing it again this evening at the same batty time on the same bat channel.”

That’s very considerate. People can rearrange their dinner plans around it. But what changes will she make to what was a perfect set piece already?

”She’s blames parliament for standing in the way of her manifest destiny,” the carpet lurched, “she’s appealed directly to the people not to let their elected representatives stand in the way of her job as fence for an international kleptomaniac crime spree to rob the U.K. blind, but she didn’t quite tick all the boxes with the redirection of blame.”

Who did she miss off the list?

”Queen Elizabeth II, who pretty much declared war on Theresa May with a hat and it hasn’t been forgotten,” the carpet turned up at the corners, “that’s why she has to do the speech again. There’s always someone else who needs to be blamed.”

Parliament to move to more suitable building

Soothe your worried brows, start catching up on sleep and make sure you begin having a proper breakfast again, the Brexit process is now in orderrrrr.

”Parliament is to move to Bedlam,” our Westminster watcher confirms, “it’s thought that until Brexit is abandoned, and the lunatics no longer run the asylum, a different historic building would be better suited for parliamentary sessions.”

There has been resistance to the move, tabled in a motion in the Commons, for some time, but each time it is delayed the front benches of both main political parties make it clear the shift is overdue.

”This will allow the refurbishment of the Palace of Westminster to proceed much faster too,” our watcher notes, “a tangible benefit of the Brexit process. It needs to be completed in time to re-open as a museum for what was once one of the world’s most admired representative democracies.”

It’s believed the final straw come after PMQs today, when PM on her last legs, T May, lambasted the house for not doing what she is ordering them to do, in spite of her order being clearly batty.

”I don’t think most of the MPs will notice the shift to be honest,” our watcher concludes, “the ERG will clearly feel it’s a place they can probably boss too. Bit disorientating being a lunatic running an asylum when the building wasn’t constructed with that in mind.”

Is there any chance of stopping Westminster becoming a museum and MPs moving back in?

“Not unless you can convince enough of them that what they’re doing to the U.K. right now is completely batshit crazy.”

Woman who deliberately ran down clock now searching for way to make time temporarily stop

LCD Views can report reassuring news today for people who are anxious that the government of the United Kingdom is just pissing about wasting time in order to make disaster capitalists richer with a god almighty crash.

“Oh, that’s not changed,” our personal Westminster Bubble bubble squeaked, “but we need to pause the process for a few months so the Brexit backers can take up new positions. Much better to cash in on the crash out from one’s yacht while it’s moored off Monaco, don’t you know. Chilled champagne, a view of a sparkling sea and the ticker tape ticking away with boom baby! Boom!”

Well that’s not very reassuring now, is it?

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” the bubble floated up and then down, “any extra time granted to kill the Brexit zombie means more shovel blows to its head. Take whatever time you can get. Due to the general gutlessness and paralysis of an overwhelming majority of MPs, the clock was always going to run down to the last seconds before salvation or disaster. Last minute salvations are part of the UK’s culture.”

Does it help that both main party leaderships are committed to the same lie?

“That is an interesting one. If you take the premise (and you’d be wise to) that Brexit is a lie pedalled by racists, it’s hardly surprising that the largest political parties in the UK are consumed by racism scandals, because their leaders have backed an inherently racist agenda. Purely out of their own lust for ideological victory. Their gain, your loss.”

Cause and effect.

“Chicken and egg…”

So will the prime minister get her short delay? Or realise that the Tory party can’t boot her out until December, when the year is up from the no-confidence vote, and take all the can kicking time she can? She still gets to be PM. What else matters?

“I would wager she’ll get something longer with some conditions from the EU. But only if Jacob Rees-mogg and Owen Paterson stop holding the WC door closed inside 10 Downing Street and she can actually get out to post the letter.”

Grayling and Johnson to head up brand new Department for Spaffing Money Up The Wall

The government has decided to create a new Department for Spaffing Money Up The Wall. This formalises government policy since, well, forever. Downing Street has put two bona fide spaffing experts in charge.

Chris Grayling has got off to a flying start. The ferry company with no ferries and articles of association copied from a pizza outlet story simply won’t sail into the sunset. Genuine ferry companies are lining up to help out in a No Deal Brexit situation for as long as No Deal remains an option. Empty vessel Grayling is spaffing money on empty vessels held on standby, for a potentially infinite period. Or until the incompetent cowards in Parliament pull their fingers out of their collective arses and force No Deal off the table.

An extension to Article 50 would lead to more delay, and spaffing even more money on ships that are not doing any shipping. The UK has become an empty vessel state.

Meanwhile Boris Johnson, a man who is never afraid to spaff, is complaining about spending money on justice for The People. “The government is spaffing £60m on unfortunate historic spaffing incidents,” ejaculated Johnson. “Two wrongs don’t make a right. This money could have been spaffed on the NRA, sorry, I mean invested in the NHS, instead. Spaffing needs to be done the right way, and I’m the man on the job!”

Johnson paid compliments to his co-leader at the DfSMUTW. “I truly admire Chris Grayling,” he dribbled. “Now here is a man who could spaff £60m just by turning up to work!”

LCD Views was unable to ascertain whether Grayling had ever, in fact, managed to turn up to work. We have heard unconfirmed rumours that a bald man with a bemused expression and a ministerial case has been spotted wandering around in a variety of locations in south-eastern England.

Rest assured that the country’s finances are in safe hands. It’s money well spent.

Do you know where your MP is? Fit elected reps with GPS trackers so it’s harder to take bungs

LCD Views can report today on a great leap forward in the struggle to prevent our democratically elected representatives using their worst judgement to settle complex and deeply impactful (like, a comet hitting the land hard impactful) issues.

“We propose fitting all 650 MPs with GPS trackers,” Professor Health, of the What the FCUK are you DOING with my DEMOCRACY Institute for Worrying, Lancashire (somewhere there), told us,

“that way when they’re out of the sight of Emily Maitlis or Jon Snow we know what they’re doing.”

What an angst strewn, fictional character, who’s recently discovered he’s shagging his aunt, from a long running TV franchise has to do with stopping MPs taking bribes to back MV3 is not clear, so we’ve decided it’s best to use the excellent real life, Channel 4 reporter instead.

“Once we have them tagged we can intervene when May, or one of her last remaining allies, pulls them aside for a quiet chat to ask what it will take? Perhaps £50 for the local playground? Maybe we lose that file on that little misdemeanour from a couple of years back? Maybe you don’t ever have to sit next to Gavin Williamson at a party dinner again? What’ll it take to back MV3, 4, 5, 6 and 97?”

But if we know where they are, how will we stop them doing what goes against the interests of the country?

“Simples. We’ll have May and her gang tagged too. We set a human monitor in front of a screen. Once we see two dots, or more, coalescing in any given location, we simply parachute in Emily Maitlis to give them the now famous disparaging side stare. It’s done for Barry Gardiner forever. It’ll do for the rest of them too.”

Are there any potential drawbacks to the system?

“Yes. We’ll always know where Boris Johnson is and what he’s up to. And that’s going to be appalling.”

10 Downing Street installs new door better suited to Prime Minister’s real stature

10 Downing Street has been forced to deny this afternoon that the newly installed door at the address is for the use of Larry the cat.

“It’s for the prime minister,” a Downing Street spokesman demanded, “she didn’t need that great, big, hulking old door and it’s irritating everyone having to open and close it constantly as she rushes in and out, off to Brussels and then tearing back with her tail all puffed up, but clearly in a terror, so we’ve given her a door she can use whenever she likes.”

The revelation that the prime minister has also been fitted with a collar containing a radio transmitter has nothing at all to do with how frequently she loses her way, daily.

“It’s so only she can use the cat door, I mean, the new door for the personal use of the prime minister, as befits her status and stature, it emits a signal that tells the door to unlock and let her in, or out, or turn all about.”

The collar itself has been well disguised, as it looks like a ship anchor, just like the power chains the prime minister usually heaves about the place.

But security experts are concerned with the new door and perceive a risk to her personal security.

“Sooner or later her and Larry the cat are going to have a scrap over who gets to go through the door first and neither species have a great reputation for listening to other people’s points of view. I can’t see Larry backing down first, can you?”

Put your money where your mouth is! Bookies taking bets on which part of May fails next

LCD Views can report this morning that a woman now only held together by spit, glue and fear is to continue disintegrating before our eyes.

“I expect a limb to fall off when she next enters the House of Commons to speak,” our political analyst muses, “her voice is already gone. She had to use a Gove hand puppet and ventriloquism yesterday.”

And exactly which part of the Murdoch puppet, which is coming apart at the seams, will fail next is where the hot speculation is.

“Ladbrokes are offering 7/4 on a finger falling off. 8/5 for a toe popping off as she stumbles into the chamber. William Hill will give you 25/1 for both eyes popping out of her head simultaneously the next time Jess Phillips gives her a verbal. It’s exciting times for political betting! I can tell you that.”

But it’s not just traditional bookmakers who are getting in on it?

“Oh no. Farage is running an allegedly illegal book as a subsidiary of some insurance company in Gibraltar with a mate, it’s alleged anyway, but I wouldn’t say it’s in anyway proven. Anyway, Dodgy Nige’s Betting Shop will give you 2/1 on a fascist doing something to make her ears melt. But I’d steer well away from them and stick to the traditional shops.”

So where would you suggest putting a sneaky fiver?

“I’d take the Paddy Power 10/1 on a little door popping open in the back of her head and a spring coming out with some electrical sparks. They’ve said they’ll pay out half odds if only the door pops, or sparks start fizzing from anywhere above her shoulders. It’s a tidy little bet.”

One thing is certain, as the pressure mounts, as the failure increases and the clock winds down in the final furlongs of March, all bets are off for the Maybot. We mean, really on the nose.