Category: Governing the people

Britain’s hard of hearing prime minister, Theresa May, has been on a late night Amazon Prime binge after inviting her political opponents around for conciliatory talks.

LCD Views’ online frenzies correspondent was leaked a copy of the digital receipt and provides the scoop of what she bought.

“Ear muffs. Ear plugs. Cotton wool. Blinkers. A big packet of baby wipes? Presumably for cleaning the wax off her fingertips after she removes them from her ears. It’s goes on like this. Oh, and lumber and tools to build a trap door. I can’t think what that’s for? But I’d recommend anyone stopping by for a chat doesn’t stand on a rug.”

Anything else?

“Imodium. Not the branded one. A cheaper knock off available from an online pharmacy. A truly epic amount. Probably a fatal dose if it’s all taken at once.”

Is the Imodium for her callers?

“I suspect it’s for the entire government.”

So what olive branch will she offer her opponents?

“I expect she’ll wait for them to offer her one and then tear it from their hands and beat them with it. Then she’ll put on her biggest power chain and give a press conference and present anything constructive as her own idea.”

Anything else to note?

“Polish. A lot of polish.”

She’s inviting representatives from another EU country around too? She really is trying.”

“No. Polish to shine up the anchor chain she wears around her neck.”

If you can’t blind them with science or baffle them with bullshit…

“Blind them with the light.”

So what will she tell anyone who stops by?

“I reckon she’ll open with, ‘On the 23rd June 2016, the British people decided…”

Sounds like she’s not the only one who’ll be needing the ear plugs.

The occupants of 10 Downing Street awoke this morning to the alarming spectacle of an infamous ‘Go Home’ van parked outside 10 Downing Street.

“They were pretty sure it was put there out of spite by the guy living at 11 Downing Street,” an aide to the occupants of No 10 told LCD Views,

“but I don’t think so, he’s just covering his ass like the rest of the gutless wonders blinking in the headlights as the karma train pulls into town. Ready to dash to the safety of a non-exec board position as soon as the aforementioned karma train demolishes their administration.”

Quite how the main occupant of 10 Downing Street, someone whose every pre-planned utterance can impact the currency exchanges, is allowed to live there with an intimate acquaintance whose business is hedge funds, is anyone’s guess.

“That’ll be part of the post-Brexit public inquiries. You know, the great squeezing out of puss from the boil on the backside of the British body politic.”

But what is certain is that the ‘Go Home’ van is present outside No 10 because the architect of so many inhumane and vicious person hating policies has managed, through nothing more than her own delusions, pigheadedness and idiocy, to manufacture what is an increasingly hostile environment politically for herself.

And while who parked the van there is still not certain, unlike the ‘Go Home’ vans made famous by Theresa May, architect of the hostile environment policies that targeted people based on what their favourite food smelt like, this ‘Go Home’ van is justified and there to remove someone who to all appearances has gone completely insane.

A woman who believes herself to be doing God’s work is busy this morning ignoring the message God sent her last night.

”She’s just going to carry on as if nothing bad happened yesterday,” Mr Pickering, owner of Cotton Wool R Us, which supplies ear stuffings for 10 Downing Street told us, “I know this because around 8pm last night I received a massive order of ear suitable cotton wool.”

The order, promptly delivered by courier moments after the woman received the message from on high, wasn’t the only one.

”I’m retiring to the south of France today,” tin supplier, Mr Ears, also advised, “really I am. I hope I get to stay there after the end of March. The order last night for a set of tin ears was so insane it was like winning the lottery.”

There were apparently also orders from ‘The All Thumbs” firm of handy equipment and ‘Cack Hands’.

”It’s a great time to be in toilet tissue too,” our economic analyst tells us, “insiders in the treasury tell me that a new battle is raging between May and the Chancellor after she insisted on an emergency fund of several billion to keep the Tory Party supplied with four ply paper.”

Is this because they’re all crapping themselves?

”Not all. The really insane ones are fine. But anyone with a brushing relationship with reality is running to talk to God on the white telephone from both ends.”

That’s nice to know.

So what’s next for the occupant of 10 Downing Street?

”Fit her latest set of tin ears, stuff them with cotton wool and give a speech which doesn’t acknowledge last night’s historical defeat, would be my guess.”

How will the speech begin?

”The British people…”

Oh God, anyone have the number for Cotton Wool R Us?”

Boris Johnson (MP for Boris Johnson) has dropped a bombshell on the House of Commons this morning after he signalled he would be tabling an amendment to the meaningful vote being held today making himself prime minister, whatever the result of the meaningful vote.

“The virtuous people of Great Britain are crying out for a leader in this time of crisis for the mother of all democracies,” Mr Johnson told LCD Views, via Skype with the sounds of an Italian market town in the background,

“and I can provide the clear sighted, 20/20 vision to see off the deep state conspiracy that threatens to make the most vulnerable in our society, the most giving, the 1%, the ubermensch, pay more taxes,” Mr Johnson added with the sounds of a much younger blonde woman giggling in the background.

The amendment itself, the Johnson, is certain to gain wide support within the house of commons.

“Everyone is crying out for a different kind of prime minister,” Mr Johnson added, with the sounds of divorce litigation rebounding off the walls of the villa he was phoning in from, “a PM who will Make Britain Great Again!”

Mr Johnson added, with the sounds of Steve Bannon writing his scripts again.

And he’s right to suspect he has a good chance of success with his amendment, with even Labour figures keen to vote for it.

“It’ll mean Jeremy doesn’t have to get off that fence post he’s been planted on for so long he’s now got a third leg,” a Labour insider told us, “anything to keep from actually having to act. Much better to endlessly strategise how we will attain utopia in the back rooms, with the sound of Lenin giving a speech playing on the gramophone,

“We need an event to save us and a big, blousy, blonde bombshell dropping a bombshell could be just the event we’re looking for!”

House of Commons deputy head and all round action man (you have to be when your own party wants to kill you politically) John Bercow is in danger of opening numerous sick notes tomorrow, in advance of the meaningful assembly being held to celebrate democracy, when he glances at the rolls to see who has turned up for class.

But most notable may be a note from the MP for Maidenhead, currently the head teacher, who it is rumoured is right now considering calling in sick for work with complete disregard for her students’ welfare.

“It wouldn’t surprise old Bercow,” an aide to the deputy head told LCD Views, on the condition that we do not print the rumour,

“she’s a complete control freak. Runs the entire school like a wet dream fantasy Victorian psycho head mistress. But it’s just that, an act, and it’s not even method,

“And a control freak living out a fantasy of power who is faced with not being in control? Well, they tend to run. The MP for Maidenhead will probably forge a note with her mum’s signature, forgetting she’s head and not student in her panic. But Bercow will know the handwriting. It’s not going to be good. She may get detention for a week or even be excluded.”

But the MP for Maidenhead is not the only MP expected to cook up a dodgy excuse.

“The ERG drama class are right now discussing on Whatsapp if they can all call in sick with a funny tummy? Their ringleader was outsmarted into calling a no confidence vote and now he doesn’t even want to turn up. Which is okay. They still get to use the toilets first at break even if they don’t do their homework.”

If only the MP for Maidenhead had a reputation for being a drinker, she could call in sick and everyone would know she had a rotten hangover and just let it slide, again.

“It’s not like we can even look to school counsellor Corbyn for leadership,” the aide ads, “he’ll probably not turn up for the democracy assembly either, claiming he forgot to set his alarm again.”

Dr. Ludwig Dürr, known these days after reincarnation by the name Dr Liam Fox (the disgraced former defence minister now pretending to know about trade), has confirmed speculation that the manufacturers of the modern day Hindenburg, Brexit Industries (aka Little England Inc.), will be moving registration of their radically re-designed zeppelin airship to Britain at the stroke of 10pm, 29th March 2019.

“It’s because Brexit UK will have the most hot air freely available,” The Disgraced Former Defence Minister told LCD Views’ Pseudo Science correspondent, “and we expect to fill our balloons with it at source and for free, and exceptionally tax efficiently once the UK is free of the shackles of Brussels and all those boring things they’re starting to do about large scale tax evasion.”

While the brains at Brexit Industries had anticipated some blowback from the EU27 country the airship is currently registered in, so far none has been forthcoming.

That’s because such a wedge of the financial services industry is moving across the channel, as well as lots of our manufacturing, and well, just about everything, it’s not thought anyone will notice the loss of an airship guaranteed to crash and burn with great loss of life.

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” The Disgraced Former Defence Minister replies, “I would expect the German car industry, and the Irish cheese industry, to come banging down Merkel’s door just before March 29th to demand we keep producing and releasing our inflammatory ideas within the EU. We’ve basically got them over the barrel.”

He believes this because he is an idiot.

The comments by The Disgraced Former Defence Minister have also confirmed speculation that a lot of Dr Dürr’s brains did not transfer via reincarnation, with the exception of the sorrowful blindspot that doesn’t spot catastrophic flaws in his designs.

“We’ve painted a new pair of eyes on the airship too,” The Disgraced Former Defence Minister adds, “and they swivel.”

This article has been replaced by a correction.

CORRECTION

No Deal Brexit advocates begin planning post No Deal Brexit hunger games in which poor people fight to the death for food.

Book tickets early to avoid disappointment.

Brexit is finally taking its turn in the spotlight today as Brexiters cast around for someone else to blame for the certainty of Brexit achieving catastrophic results economically, socially, culturally and digestively if it is delivered (like the dirty nappy off a bawling baby Satan left in a filthy, rusting out toilet on an Arriva Trains Wales toilet).

LCD Views spoke to prominent Brexiter, Sauron, to learn why it’s now Brexit’s fault that Brexit is certain to be a complete and total shitshow, and not actually the fault of Brexiters like himself?

“It’s undermining May’s negotiating hand for one,” Sauron blazed, big eye swivelling on top of his tower.

You seem distracted? Are you looking for something? Or someone?

“Of course I am looking for something, I’m always looking for something!”

What?

“A benefit of Brexit!”

There’s no need to shout.

“There’s always a need to shout! Time is running out!”

But surely Brexit, being an ill defined political project, is not at fault, given it can’t define itself?

“Yes it can! Brexit means Brexit!”

That’s just a slogan.

“Well, whose fault could it possibly be that Brexit is sabotaging itself, if not Brexit for acting so bloody recklessly with it’s own planning and implementation? Have you seen what the Japanese car industry is saying about Brexit?! Brexit sucks at making people see they need it more than it needs them! It winds me right up!”

Perhaps it’s the fault of the people who have spent, in some cases, decades arguing that we should Brexit, while doing nothing whatsoever to plan for doing just that?

“Remoaner!”

That’s it? Just insults?

“Stop undermining Brexit! Get behind it and push!”

I will.

“Ha! All will kneel beneath Brexit!”

I’ll get behind Brexit along with tens of millions of other Britons and push it right into the fires of Mount Doom.”

“You lost! Get over it!”

I see this discussion is going the way discussions with Brexiters always do. Thank you for your time.

“It’s undemocratic to vote all the time!”

Thank you for your time.

A man who is always careful to be well tailored and manicured in his speech, lest the mask slip, has announced today he has bought a double breasted hi viz vest from a Saville Row tailor.

“One does not wish to appear to be an ordinary street thug while protesting against the sudden reemergence of parliamentary sovereignty,” the man told LCD Views’ Wolves in Wolves Clothing correspondent, “the men of my political persuasion of the 1920’s, 1930’s and early 1940’s were always well turned out. Latere aperto is my rule of thumb. But, and this is very cunning, sordidum opus face popular tuum, ut alii. It’s best if your common man does the pavement job of jostling and spitting at older people protesting peacefully. All in the innocent hope of intimidating them into silence.”

It’s believed once the vest has been tailored and a fitting taken place the man will wear it in the House of Commons to lend support to his own supporters on the pavements of Westminster.

“Parliament sits in the noble chamber of the House of Commons. Not on College Green. But on College Green the important work of explaining to common voters what happens if they protest against making good the illegally secured victory of the greatest act of democracy since Adolf had numerous referenda.”

Yes, thank you. And that’s with standing room only for the most important debates when a majority of elected representatives turn up, elbow to elbow.

Perhaps a new building would be order? So our MPs can all take a seat like adults and discuss things without carrying on like out of control boys sensing the blood of a substitute teacher. And maybe build it up north, to encourage love and sympathy for London?

“Oh, I do not think the great British public want us wasting their hard earned money willy nilly on new structures for parliament,” the man smirked, “once the shadowy backers of the yellow vests have their way, and I am elevated to the position of sovereign, their won’t even be a parliament.”

Brexit est Brexit.

PMQ’s was noisier than usual today as prime minister of Great Britain and a part of Ireland (if she carries on) Theresa May responded to a sympathetic question from a backbench Tory MP to kick off the weekly party, showcasing British democracy to the world.

”Can the prime minister confirm for my constituents in La-La that the successful amendment to the finance bill last night, the so called Cooper Traitor’s Bill, will not in any way hinder the ongoing construction of her wall against reality?”

To which the Prime Minister of Great Britain, and some of Ireland, replied:

”I thank the honourable member for La-La, Mr Bridgen, for his question. Firstly though may I commend him on his wearing today of an edible Union Jack waistcoat.”

(Pause as the Tory backbenchers cheer. Intervention by the speaker to call for order as several Tory MPs hurl straightened bananas over at the opposition benches, resulting in John McDonnell waking up, saying what? several times, before he retorted by firing a small red book out of a small red cannon. The book taking so long in flight, that the PM gave up waiting and continued.)

”It is with great pleasure I can confirm to the honourable member that my wall against reality is already completed, and has in fact been entirely constructed by sensible use of taxpayer funds many months prior to last night’s vote.”

(More banana throwing. A pineapple is launched. Tory and Labour Brexiters leave their benches to meet and exchange chunks of gammon. Order resumes. Well, what was passing for it.)

”And may I take just another moment to state that in the coming months I will be adding an additional three walls to form a box and then commissioning a lid so that my wall to keep out reality will become a fully functioning sensory deprivation chamber.”

(Orgasms of delight. PMQs pauses for cleaning off the spittle and flung shite.)

Jeremy Corbyn next rose to question the prime minister:

”Can the honourable lady confirm that she will be looking favourably upon my own motion to build ‘a’ wall against reality and stop wasting time on ‘the’ wall against reality…”

And the war against reality carried on.