Category: Governing the people

Former UKIP leader and seven times unelected parliamentary candidate Nigel Farage has announced that he is leaving the UK.

Speaking to reporters outside the Dover entrance to the channel Tunnel, suitcase in hand, Farage explained that he had become increasingly uncomfortable with the continuing rise of the far right and the increasing intolerance of anyone of differing ethnicity or religious beliefs.

“As someone with a rather obviously French surname, a first name derived from the Latin word for black and a recently issued burgundy German passport, I just don’t feel safe in this country any more,” explained a tearful Farage.

“If only we could identify why this has happened and do something about it, ” he wailed, complaining tearfully that instead of dealing with this rising tide of hatred all the career politicians care about is how to get re-elected without being outed as a hypocrites over their flip-flopping support for Brexit.

Farage confirmed that his departure from British shores would see him give up his radio show on LBC as well as his full time seat on the BBC’s Question Time and that he planed to start a new life in Slovenia, where his good friend President Trump had arranged an introduction to a close relative of the first lady Melanoma.

“If Slovenia’s good enough for Trump, it’s good enough for me,” mused Farage, whose German wife recently divorced him after he threatened to have her deported for leaving her towel in the bathroom before him.

Picking up his suitcase Farage bid a tearful farewell to the assembled press throng and glugging a final gulp of nut brown English ale,  strode manfully towards the tunnel entrance.

Pausing for a final wave he noticed a pair of dark skinned illegal immigrants emerging into the cold light of the English dawn.

“Good luck to mates, you’ll bloody well need it”, he wept, hugging both to his chest before disappearing into the darkness.

 

Prime Minister Theresa May has announced today she is to call a snap general election in order to increase, once again, her commons majority.

“Once the people of the United Kingdom overwhelm me with the level of support they have for my Brexit deal, which I assume to be very strong, because I’m locked in a sensory deprivation chamber, I will be able to force it through and force down whatever else I decide to into the guts of the country.”

As part of the campaign to prove how popular she still is, the prime minister will be conducting her travelling election campaign solely in the country’s grave yards. This will have the added benefit of not bringing her face to face with anyone living and risk catching their germs.

But what catchphrase will she parade under this time?

“I am gong to promise strong and stable government, again. Not because I’m a blinkered, empathy and intuit free wasteland, but because people need to know they risk chaos under a hung parliament where minor parties form a coalition government with an agreement to revoke Article 50 and begin counting the cost of years of hard right sociopathy.”

But that’s not all.

”I will say further, as I tell you today, the people of the United Kingdom have a choice of continuing a funny kind of strong and stable government under me, or chaos under Ed Milliband.”

Asked to comment on the shock announcement a spokesman for Labour’s front bench said the following,

”Jeremy is going to promise a jobs first Brexit. There’s no chance we’ll get the swing vote needed for a majority. So she may as well try her hand. Who knows, she may end up with a slim majority if we stick with Lexit.”

So that’s nice then.

The use of common sense is officially permitted now, thanks to an EU ruling last night by a top law officer.

In one of those statements that shouldn’t be necessary yet somehow always is, top court advisor Paya Tenschen addressed the assembled media:

“It has been officially confirmed tonight that any country is permitted to use common sense when making crucial decisions. It does not constitute cheating or fraud of any kind, and is perfectly acceptable.”

The argument of whether common sense could be used in political decision-making has been going on for many years, but especially since 2016., with many politicians, notably Michael Gove, arguing passionately against it.
Indeed most tory politicians have been put off its use by the presence of the word ‘common’ in the description.

The name is actually a misnomer as it has been proven that few people in reality possess it, and many lexicographers have argued that it should be renamed. The only trouble is, the alternatives have their own problems.

The suggestion of Privileged Sense has been vetoed strongly despite being championed by politicians like Jacob Rees-Mogg.

The name Minority Sense has been discarded because of potential issues with the far-right’s racist attitudes, as personified by the likes of Tommy Robinson.

The idea of calling it Miracle Sense has been abandoned due to potential religious connotations.

The option of renaming it Uncommon Sense is still on the table but could still lead to slips of the tongue.

Whatever its name will be, the fate of common sense is looking brighter all the time. Its future is bright, but definitely not orange.

The Metropolitan Police have announced plans to combat manpower reductions by deploying a new force of “Holographic Police”.

Speaking to reporters via Skype Metropolitan Police commissioner Cressida Dick explained that given the rapidly increasing rates of online crime it is only right that the Police should be allowed to “fight fire with fire”.

“Given that the government has lost touch with reality, and slashed our funding there is virtually nothing we can do about rising crime rates, so we felt it was only right that we start deploying “virtual” police officers,” she said pointing out that the great advantage with holograms is that they can be kitted out with the most terrifying of hardware without the fear of them actually killing or maiming anyone.

“So machine guns, gas grenades, anti tank weapons…but no more messy, wrongful killing trials or costly compensation payments – peachy,” she smiled.

Commenting on the radical move Home Secretary Sajid Javid confirmed that the government plans to begin rolling out the new virtual police force across the whole country just as soon as the funds are available.

“Obviously London and the home counties come first, because no one north of Watford is expected to vote Tory after the post Brexit economic collapse,” he explained.

“But we will be supplying provincial forces with slide projectors and some very realistic cardboard cut outs, to tide them over until new funding is available” he said explaining that a new round of unfulfilable spending promises painted on the sides of buses is expected any day now.

Your wise and wonderful government has hit on the perfect wheeze to solve the problem of the Irish Border.

”We’re going to deny there even is a Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland or even The Irish Sea,” Theresa Villiers, former Secretary of State for Northern Ireland told LCD Views, “this also removes a job title from my CV that frankly I’ve been baffled by since it appeared there.”

The decision to deny the existence of Northern Ireland not only puts to rest the border problem, it alleviates the need to scramble about inventing unlikely technological solutions to a problem created solely by the government.

”It’ll get Arlene Foster off Theresa May’s case too,” Mrs Villiers added, “now Ms May can get on just taking her orders from Rupert Murdoch, just like old times.”

But what about the people who say ignoring the existence of massive problems created intentionally by government policy won’t actually solve them?

”It certainly solves them for us!” The forever Secretary of State for Somewhere that doesn’t exist snapped back.

Presumably you could apply the same solution to other non-problems, like homelessness, in work poverty, climate change, underfunding of schools leading to increased taxation by way of schools having to levy fees directly onto hard pressed parents.

”All sorted,” Mrs Villiers clicked her fingers, “just like that. Most problems are really only problems if you think about them.”

And you don’t do that?

”No one in government does. It’s better that way for everyone. But before we go I have to correct you on one point.”

Which is?

”The people created the problems, not the government. They elected us in the first place.”

Downing Street has used the occasion of its Saint Andrew’s Day message to Scotland to advise Scotland to lie back and think of mighty mother England during the forthcoming Brexit.

”The people of our province of Hibernia,” Ms May began her address, straight to camera, “your upstart minister Nicola is making a poor job of preparing you for what is coming out of England. Like with good Caledonians across the Irish Sea, you’re about to get screwed by England once more.”

Ms May paused for one of her bloodless attempts at smiling like a human, before continuing,

”The best advice is to lie back, enjoy yourself, and think of England while England does what England has done to you for a millennia.”

Ms May then went on to list other regions she intended to screw heartily.

”I advise the good British of Gilbraltar to also lie back and think of England. Excepting of course those of you who have fallen from the true path and have a Spanish parent or grandparent. You must prepare to be deported once we have finished breaking down that monkey infested rock you call home, in order to construct a proper wall no Manuel, Pedro or Maria can get over. We are taking back control of as much of the Iberian peninsula as Boris Johnson believes feasible. Michael Howard has been made Field Marshall. Prepare yourself to do what patriots do.”

She then addressed herself to The Falklands, well, it was presumed to be, but as the address was preceded by an earlier review of what is left of the navy after eight years of Tory defence cuts, she mostly just laughed. Before adding,

”I am sure the ghost of Maggie will watch over you.”

Asked to respond to the message, a spokesman for Labour said they felt,

”the inclusion of so much not to do with the Caledonians was insulting. And with a Labour re-negotiated Brexit Scotland would only be on the receiving end of “a” shafting from Westminster.”

Which we can all agree is better, can’t we.

Theresa May’s frankly unbelievable government has come up with a neat solution to the problem of poverty. It is simply a matter of redefining being poor as a criminal activity.

LCD Views’ Mediaeval Values correspondent brought the inside story on this momentous piece of legislation, which is believed to have come directly from the Downing Street bunker.

“The method is simple and effective, like all this government’s policies,” claimed Number Ten spokesman Tommie Wrott. “Any person allegedly resident in the UK with a low income, by which I of course mean £50,000 or under, is now considered a drain on the country’s scant resources. All their economic activity will henceforth be deemed illegal. Their wages of sin will be directed into the bank accounts of wealth creators and Conservative Party supporters. As punishment, these lowlifes will be forced to live and work in concentration camps – I mean, factories – until their debt to society has been paid off in full. With interest.”

That sounds like a return to the workhouse, an unnecessarily punitive measure.

“No, not at all,” countered Wrott. “It is simply to discourage anyone who is considering becoming poor. The message must be loud and clear that poverty is unacceptable in modern Britain.”

Wrott explained that this drive is part of the crusade to achieve a low-tax, small state economy. “After all, it says in the Bible, ‘He who has much will be given more, and will have an abundance. But the one who has not, even what little he has will be taken away.’ A nice touch coming from a vicar’s daughter.”

This is a clarion call to the idle, workshy poor to get on their bike and walk into a valuable, responsible job managing a workhouse, rewarded with a fat salary and company BMW. Jobs like that are two a penny, so there’s no excuse.

Also, like being an MP, any old fool could do it, which goes a long way to explaining British management techniques and its superbly functioning democracy.

Monocle wearing Tory back bencher Jacob Rees-Mogg Thursday blasted Our Father in Heaven, the Omnipotent, All Knowing, All Powerful, Lord God Almighty as “Just a second tier Middle Eastern deity who has signally failed to inspire belief in a majority of people on earth“.

“I don’t think he’s greatly respected,” he added pointing out that none of the miracles reported in the bible have been independently corroborated, and none of the predictions made have ever been demonstrated to have actually happened.

“Except possibly the second coming, for which I am of course far too modest to lay claim,” he smirked, adjusting his genuine felted beaver fur top hat.

“After all I’m the multi billionaire owner of a hedge fund and have had four books published, to the single tome credited to the ‘so called almighty‘,” he sneered.

Commenting on the ongoing Brexit debacle, Rees-Mogg rubbished the suggestion that the deal negotiated by Theresa May was capable of meeting the expectations of the British people who voted in favour of leaving the European Union.

“Only the full no-deal Brexit is capable of rending the veil of the temple in twain, heralding the return of the four horsemen of the apocalypse – suitably attired in hunting pink – unleashing the seven deadly plagues and emerging victorious from the final battle of Armageddon,” he explained, declining to comment on whether he was in any way related to the Biblical harbingers of apocalypse, characters Mogg and Magog.

However Rees-Mogg was quick to deny that he is either “the beast with seven heads, ten horns and ten crowns” or the beast with “horns like a lamb” and “marked with the number 666“.

“I think you’re confusing me with Michael Gove and Boris Johnson,” he purred fingering a bag of seven golden trumpets.

 

The elephant in question has finally had enough of being tactfully ignored. It has grown to such a size that even Theresa May is having difficulty keeping it out of sight. The moment she looks it squarely in the eye is the moment her faltering leadership finally ends.

“My deal, no deal, or no Brexit!” squealed the Prime Minister, cornered and desperate. She has since denied acknowledging the elephant in a transparent attempt to replace the blinkers.

“We would be better off in the EU than if we left,” said Philip Hammond, carelessly letting the cat out of the bag. “Of course, what I really mean is that Brexit must happen but you won’t really notice its effect that much. Honest! Trust me, I’ve used so much creative accounting on the Impact Statements that you really wouldn’t think that Brexit is that bad.”

The elephant has been encouraged by the Brexit zoo. With Theresa May’s dead dog of a deal, the pigeon chess Brexiters, and the tiger economies licking their lips over the imminent chaos, the UK has clearly been sold a pup. The elephant proposes to trumpet its virtues, take the trunk route to the ivory tower, and clear all the bullshit out of Westminster. The cat is firmly among the pigeons.

As the elephant forces itself doggedly into plain sight, expect rats to leave the sinking ship. The likes of Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Nigel Farage and their nest-feathering chums will attempt to flea, only to be caught at the borders because they insisted that free movement must cease.

The effervescent elephant has denied any relationship with notorious Europhile elephants such as Babar, Nellie or Donald Tusk.

The elephant has promised a manifesto of cancelling Article 50 forthwith, prosecuting those responsible for criminal behaviour under the Brexit umbrella, and redistributing wealth more equitably.

The country is about to undergo a mammoth change.

Russian President for life (yours, probably), Vladimir Putin Tuesday hailed Theresa May’s Brexit agreement as “ideal for Russia”, and “the perfect culmination of years of work by heroic Russian backed trolls and sock puppets”.

The deal was approved on Sunday by all 27 EU heads of state but Putin pointed out that despite this unanimous approval nothing has actually been finalised other than the UK’s departure from the EU.

“The UK will leave the EU, but without any form of detailed agreement on terms,” he laughed pointing out that both sides are now guaranteed to be locked into decades of increasingly acrimonious disputes without any hope of a permanent resolution.

“Just like when we invaded east Ukraine by proxy in 2014, and South Ossetia in Georgia in 2008, we created conflicts which can never be resolved,” he grinned pointing out that earlier Russian interventions in the breakaway Georgian province of Abkhazia and the Moldovan region of Transnistria are also still festering nicely nearly three decades on.

“Never mind our clandestine take-over of the city of London and the UK’s entire banking system which also can never be resolved without collapsing the global financial infrastructure,” he smirked.

And with UK and EU, locked in a bitter and never ending struggle Mother Russia will be free to reclaim what is rightly hers – everything, explained a smirking Putin, politely declining to confirm where in Europe Russia plans destabilise and rend asunder next.

“Lithuania, Hungary, Scotland…. Brighton and Hove Albion….Europe is ours for the splitting – they’ll be far too busy arguing with our social media trolls about fishing quotas and the chemical definition of jam to even notice,” he sniggered.

“And if you don’t like it, well there are plenty more of your English cathedrals our “highly culturally educated” tourists would just love to visit,” he winked slyly.