Category: Having a Laugh

Museum of Greater London Antiquities and Burials archaeologists have released photos today of a robbed Victorian grave and appealed for assistance.

LCD Views was privileged to a historic interview with the famous museum, established several seconds ago, to learn what is disturbing them.

”We’ve all heard of the resurrectionists? Largely 19th century villains who entered London’s newly founded cemeteries under the cover of darkness to dig up fresh burials and retrieve the corpses. Often they were on assignment or were taking the lucrative bodies out of the ground for sale to the highest bidder.”

Yes, total rogues, the cause of many nightmares.

”Yes. What was also a concern at the time was being buried alive. Medical science being as it was, people in a coma with an almost imperceptible heartbeat could be bundled into the ground, only to wake up six feet under.”

Terrifying. Many contraptions were invented to allow the trapped to communicate to the people topside.

”Yes. And our recent excavation work at the long derelict Little Farts and All Friars Cemetery located next to Westminster, have revealed not only a message from a time left best lung buried, but evidence of a recent robbery of a grave.”

Well, any individual would just be bones by now, if that.

”I wouldn’t be so sure. Research into the archives revealed the indivual concerned was a man dressed anachronistically, speaking faux toff and attempting to destabilise the democratic foundations of the U.K. and profit from the ensuing economic calamity. To accidentally release such an indivual back to the surface can only end in calamity.”

But how could he survive all that time in the ground?

”Nobody knows. But suspicions are that Russian scientists are involved.”

Very intriguing. So what do you plan to do next?

”We’ll stake out the usual haunts for zombies and see if he turns up. In the meantime, if you see someone matching the description, cover your ears and on no account listen to anything he has to say about democracy.”

World famous London tourist hot spot Madame Tussaud’s is making world headlines today after a miracle occurred with one of its world famous wax person exhibits.

”I wouldn’t call it a miracle personally,” museum curator, Ms Twoswords (clearly no relation) said, “more of a bloody nightmare. Mary crying tears of blood holding the baby Jesus is a miracle. This? This is creeping me right out.”

The nightmare miracle is focused on one of the museum’s new star exhibits.

”Every morning for a week now it’s the same. We come in and open up and there’s old blowhard Nigel with his toothbrush moustache. I was against the statue from the start. I want that on the record.”

And every morning the staff diligently, if fearfully, remove the world famous toothbrush, only to find…

”It’s back the next day. We’ve installed CCTV to see if it was the work of a prankster, but it grows on its own, unnaturally overnight, at a clearly accelerated rate.”

But surely the nightmare miracle will lead to greater footfall and increased profits?

”That’s easy for you to say, you haven’t seen it with the moustache and its arm raised in a flat palmed salute.”

It’s doing that too? Oh my God.

”I’ve said we should melt it down, but the modellers are refusing to approach it. What after it was filmed after midnight goose stepping about the museum.”

This sounds like you need to call in help and fast.

”That’s what I’ve said! It staged a book burning last night and almost burned the whole show to the ground.”

Didn’t that destroy it?

”Not a scratch. The statue next to it of Lord Haw-Haw melted some and was absorbed by it. Soaked up like a sponge.”

Couldn’t you make a new statue of this individual?

”No! The modellers used a broken mould to make this one. If we cast another it’s bound to be an even bigger blunder. I always said only giving it one ball for realism was a mistake. And we all know who else, he only had one ball…”

Experts from NASA have warned of an invasion from outer space. An intergalactic scurry of space squirrels is approaching the Earth because they have heard that the planet is being run by nuts.

The British space programme has already dismissed the threat. Stargazer Ursula Major explains. “The programme is staffed by gifted amateurs like myself,” she said. “I haven’t spotted any alien spacecraft recently, although admittedly my telescope is in need of an upgrade.”

The instrument, a cardboard tube with a couple of lenses sellotaped on, did look a little shabby. “I was hoping some of the £92m being spent on replacing Galileo could go towards a new one,” she said regretfully. “But I understand that about three quarters of that is being spent on consultancy, a few hundred on a study run by a couple of astrophysics students during reading week, and the rest on lunch.”

She was not impressed by the consultants, either. “They are a bunch of well-connected gobshites whose conclusion will be, a space programme is hardly rocket science,” she said bitterly.

Meanwhile, the squirrels are fast approaching. The nuts in charge have no idea what to do. Paralysed with indecision, NASA have their backs against the walnut.

Donald Trump is believed to be a major target for the squirrels. He has shot his bolt, leaving the nut behind.

In the UK, Tony Blair has entered the fray again. Old Wingnut, still fighting to regain some semblance of credibility, has suggested that, as a planet, we gather up all the nuts left over from Christmas as a peace offering, and try to do a deal with the squirrels. Theresa May has already insisted on no deal. We are left to wonder which one is taking the pistachio.

The problem is proving a tough nut to crack. We can only assume that the squirrels have come to divide and conker.

A novelty dartboard has failed to sell at auction in spite of featuring the portrait of one of the 21st century’s best known caricatures of a human.

Bidding for the board was expected to be intense, especially amongst collectors of memorabilia from 1930’s and 1940’s Germany.

”We figured internet bidding would have been very extreme,” an auction house representative told LCD Views, “like far, far right out there. But it seems the expected collectors didn’t turn up on the day, presumably because even they had better things to do than throw money at the novelty dartboard. Like donating to the defence funds of convicted fraudsters.”

Further perplexing the sellers was the fact that no one wanted to buy the dartboard for the express purpose of throwing darts at the smug, self-deluding, hate peddling little Kremlin stooge featured.

”It seems no one even wants the image in their house,” the rep shrugged, “probably worried about what people would think if they inadvertently saw it on your wall? What would it say about a person and their judgement? Especially if it was mistaken for a serious portrait? That could potentially be very embarrassing.”

What will happen to the novelty dartboard now is anyone’s guess, although we did suggest just giving the dartboard to the individual featured?

“No. That’s no good. He can’t stand to look at himself.”

Then donate it to a good cause?

”It definitely couldn’t be donated to a good cause. There are no good causes associated with the individual pictured in the portrait. None whatsoever.”

Cripes, the Telegraph’s bigwigs want more predictions from me. This time, none of that Sagittarius nonsense. Once we are free of the bullying EU, dictating our superstitions from Brussels, we can make our own British star signs. So here goes!

Cricket (any year England won the Ashes): Life is all Pimm’s and cucumber sandwiches without the crusts. You will thrive in 2019 because you are well-connected and wealthy. See you at Lord’s old boy.

Drizzle (summer holidays except 1976): You miserable shower, always being a wet blanket and damping down hopes. Brexit will rain on your parade.

Milkman (absent father): What a complete bastard. Your mother took delivery of the wrong sort of cream, and you too will always pop up in the wrong place.

Gooseberry Bush (virgin birth): Your mother claims never to have had (whisper it) ((S.E.X.)). As a result, your repressed passion and closeted homosexually will lead to you embracing fascism instead.

Stork (embarrassed parents): More accurately, stalk. More precisely, your father’s stalk. You are an utter knob and will champion the cause of some unworthy loser like Tommy Robinson.

Yuppie (1980s): Irresponsible free marketer now in seedy middle age. With all the depth of a dried-up puddle and your glory days long behind you, jump on the Brexit bandwagon and push.

Mockney (1990s): Posh twat pretending to be working class, you will revert to type and thank your lucky stars that Daddy is a billionaire.

Expert (2000-2005): In your teens, you know everything except why nobody understands you. Go and do your homework before all the schools are shut down.

Dying Light (born before the Queen came to the throne): Rage is all you have left, now you are sans teeth, sans hearing, et cetera. Avoid pineapple at all costs.

Boris (my birthday!!!!!!): You’re the best. You will be Prime Minister! Yay!

Gosh, that was fun! See you again when I need another Brexit Dividend!

The once and future king of UKIP, Nigel Farage, has been rushed to hospital with a mystery complaint. This follows an incident where he ingested non-British beer by mistake.

The story begins with Farage and a few UKIP mates travelling to Cornwall to sample the local ales. Their destination was Blunt’s Brewery. This once small concern, following the massive commercial success of its flagship brew, has grown to an enormous size. Locals now refer to the company as Truro Euro Brew.

The party arrived expecting, well, a party, but instead chairman Dragona Blunt thought they wanted the brewery tour. After some confusion, Nigel managed to convince her that they had actually come to get sozzled. “I have an idea, we can sort this out,” she told them.

In the Sampling Room, head brewer Benny Fitt Kutz and his team were taste testing a new beer designed for the German market. There was a knock on the door, and Dragona put her head around it. “Excuse me Benny, may these gentlemen join you?” she asked.

“Off course, off course, come in!” said Herr Kutz. He indicated the bottles of beer with an expansive gesture. “Tsis is my latest bier, it Schadenfreude called iss. Bitte!”

“Danke Schön, but I think it’s actually lager!” quipped Nigel.

He took a deep drink of beer, and another, but then suddenly collapsed, frothing at the mouth, his limbs jerking convulsively. An ambulance was called to rush Nigel to Truro PFI Hospital. The remainder of his disappointed party made their way sadly back to the minibus.

The latest news is that Farage has had his stomach pumped, and has also had a beer transfusion. He is expected to make a full recovery.

Your correspondent undertook a rigorous testing of the offending beer. It was delicious and caused no ill effects other than mild intoxication.

The moral of the story is that Nigel Farage is incapable of organising…

The intermediary between Prince Charles and the rest of us has announced today that HRH is to spend the weekend planking a stream in the grounds of Balmoral in preparation for being renamed The Severn Bridge.

”He’s building bridges,” the footman said, “he’s terribly distressed regarding the kerfuffle over those patriotic chaps wanting the rename The Severn Bridge, The Prince of Wales, so he’s devised a compromise to please most parties.”

It seems as part of the Prince’s offer he will allow The Severn Bridge to take his name and position and he will do so in kind.

”He is going to have to take some heavy traffic,” Prince Charles’ man told us, “but if you consider his day to day life, it won’t be much change.”

But while the peace offer shows he is ready and suited to be monarch, not everyone is best pleased by the Prince’s intentions.

”I don’t want to be a bally bridge,” Prince William is reported to have said in private, “I want to be king. I want my first born to be king and his first born, boy or girl, to expect to be king in the fullness of time. A flipping bridge? A common toll bridge at that? I’ve half a mind to stage a palace coup.”

Prince Harry is said to be upset by his father’s plan also.

”What’s that make me then? An overpass on the M4 I suppose? Or a bloody pedestrian bridge? A railway siding at Waterloo? Jesus wept. I’ve half a mind to stage a palace coup. I told my fiancé she had an outside chance at sitting on the throne one day, not at being a multi-story carpark outside Bath.”

As to what The Severn Bridge thinks?

”I’m glad someone thought to ask,” it told us, “I’m going to have a bugger of a time waving and asking people what do you do? But I’ll do just fine at taking the money I suppose.”

As part of the transition it’s understood Charles is to take up residence in Caernarfon Castle, the traditional seat of English power in Wales, so that should please everyone too.

English nationalists are fuming’ today and threatening to invade somewhere after the European Union revealed the winning entry of the competition to design the new EU flag for 2020 and beyond.

“We believe the flag and its many Saint George crosses will best symbolise our desire to take over the world,” competition organiser Philip Joshingman told LCD Views, “all the years the english nationalists have been right about us of course. So we are taking their favourite flag first, as part of our tyrannical conquest of the United Kingdom. We believe it’s the best way to honour the contribution they make to world peace and harmony in communities.”

Legislation has already been passed by the European parliament in an entirely undemocratic fashion of voting by MEP’s stating that all buildings, government or civic or private residential ( and takeaway food outlets) in all EU member states must fly the new flag at all times from 2020, in line with the new EU budget release.

“Of course we understand that some Westminster politicians, especially those who support Brexit, may claim that adopting a flag first used in the Kent city of Genoa in the 13th century, maybe seen as a provocation of Downing Street, especially as it will almost certainly be just be United England before long,” Joshingman continued, “but I want to reassure those types that this is nothing of the sort. In fact the highest density of votes for the new flag design originated in Thanet and were all filled out by the same hand.

Also, the inclusion of the tiny old EU flag in the top left is a nice touch, so England can remember the peace project it choose to leave in order to please neocon capitalists.”

But what about beyond 2020? Won’t it be confusing for Brexit England to see European Union buildings flying a flag that only belongs to them and most of the rest of the world?

“Well, they can always adopt a new design,” Joshingman replied, “I would suggest enlarge your unicorns. But it’s no great worry, once the transition period out of the European Union is complete, I suspect everyone in the United Kingdom will be flying an American flag with a Donald Trump in the middle of it holding an antibiotic stuffed chicken by the breast? No?”

LCD Views would like to congratulate the winning designer, a Mr M. Gove, and we look forward to seeing the new European Union flag flying over the door of our favourite dirty chicken shop from 2020, when we duck in for a box of filth, knowing we really shouldn’t.

Nigel Farage vented his fury through the night on LBC’s ‘hate-everyone’ slot after Pope Francis threw his afterlife plans into disarray.

”This is just the sort of elitist, metropolitan, out of touch statement I expect from Brussels,” Nigel ranted, “it’s another reason to leave the corrupt, tyrannical, dogmatic, spiritually overbearing EU Holy Cee as soon as possible.

Honest, hardworking, British tithe payers can then send all their money and unanswered prayers directly to me. Or straight to the tax haven of their choice.

This will allow me to launch myself as a born again evangelical TV preacher who is damn sure about the existence of an eternal Christian hell where everyone, and make no mistake, everyone who doesn’t believe in me goes straight to Hell.”

It’s believed this will also help Nigel’s next attempt to crack America as a hate preacher.

When queried later and informed that he was conflating Brussels and the entirely unrelated matter of the Pope’s recent announcement that Hell doesn’t exist, Mr Farage was having none of it.

”People have had enough of experts.” he hit back, “expect for self-appointed ones like myself who just make things up to suit their agenda on any given day.

I have been told to go to Hell more times than any living British man who made sure to get an EU passport as soon as possible after the advisory, gerrymandered EUref.

I’ve a bag packed and I fully expect to go and party with Richard Nixon, Hitler, Vlad the Impaler and anyone else I can find down there the next time the Grim Reaper makes a play for me.”

Asked about his assertion in relation to Mr Farage, the Pope replied,

”I may have been a little hasty. I’m sure there is a special room set aside for Mr Farage for eternity.”

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. We’ve all heard the jokes. But have you ever heard one that includes a Welshman as well?

That is the current topic for discussion in the Welsh Assembly, it would appear. Spokesman Hugh Kyddyng said this at a press conference:

“It’s nothing more than institutionalised racism, excluding the Welsh from these jokes,” he said. “Everywhere it’s an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, but never do they include a Welshman. They are purposefully excluding us, and we want change.”

He could be right. After all, Wales has never been represented on the Union Jack.

“Don’t get me started on that!” Mr Kyddyng put in when I mentioned this to him. “All they have to do is change the blue bits at the bottom to green and hey presto! But no, nothing. It’s not right.”

Comedy expert professor Joe King had this to say:

“It’s the Rule Of Three, you see. Everywhere in jokes, it’s always things happening in threes. You get the first character to set the norm, then the second to follow it, and then the third does something different to make it funny. With an extra character in the joke, it wouldn’t add anything to the humour content, you see?”

We see.

Welsh comedian Dai Llaffyng was not impressed. “We Welsh are quite happy joking about ourselves without involving foreigners!” he said. “For example, did you hear the one about the Welshman who crossed a sheep with a toilet roll, and invented ewe-tube?!”

We left Dai to chuckle at his own jokes.

There is support for the Welsh case from north of the border. Nicola Sturgeon had this to say:

“If we have a second referendum and vote to leave the UK, then as part of the settlement we shall bequeath to the people of Wales our place in those jokes.”

That will mean the jokes will start, “there was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman.” That would probably work OK.

Meanwhile Irish people both sides of the border are creating jokes about stupid English people.