Unless foul play or contagious illness are involved, it’s unusual for the death of a public figure to inspire a reaction of terror, but that’s what happened yesterday morning in government circles when the death of a man named Banks was disclosed.
The announcement “Banks dead!” caused widespread panic among the Conservative party and their rich chums, especially those in the banking sector, as they feared for their ill-gotten gains.
Stockbroker Ian Vestments had the following comment on the matter:
“I was getting calls from every senior Tory politician and banker you can think of. They were all asking what the future was for their money if the banking system was truly dead and buried. In the first instance I asked what they were talking about, and it didn’t take long to find out. It turns out they’d seen the headline and panicked. It wasn’t Arron Banks, it was just some footballer. I kept getting lots of calls for the next several minutes but eventually it tailed off.”
Mr Vestments spent the overwhelming majority of the morning (52% according to his telephone records) explaining to the Tories that nothing had happened to their money.
“They all seemed very relieved when they found out that it was just a person, especially just some old footballer,” Mr Vestments added.
“No disrespect to Mr Banks, he was a national hero, a key member of England’s winning World Cup squad in 1966, and his passing should be noted. At least no disrespect to him from me. You should have heard what those snooty bastards said when they found out the news!”
According to the call logs, a Mr Jacob Rees-Mogg was distraught. “You mean one has wasted one’s energies worrying about one’s money?” he ranted, outraged at the thought. “Instead, one discovers it was the merciful decease of a filthy working class football hooligan!”
Even when corrected about Mr Banks being a player, Mr Rees-Mogg insisted there was no difference. “It’s fake news!” he said, reasonably.
Boris Johnson’s reaction was a fear for the future funding of Brexit, while Theresa May planned to compensate by raising a new tax on the working classes.
We at LCD Views say shame on every Conservative politician and banker who feared for their money on reading the news, and offer our condolences to the family and friends of Mr Gordon Banks.