Gammon chunks glue themselves to butcher’s shop to protest social media ban

BROKEN : LCD Views can report the scoop today that Gammon First leaders have glued themselves to a butcher’s shop to protest a social media ban.

”It’s not on,” one salty mouthpiece hollered, “well I am, on the butcher’s shop window, but the silencing of my lie strewn hate and bigotry will not stand. And if the cramps in my legs get any worse, neither will I.”

While the ban on the groups and individuals has been welcomed by many, concerned that social media platforms have done little thus far to curb the propaganda that is fuelling a social climate similar to the 1930’s, some have confessed concern as to the unintended consequences of the ban.

”I’ll have to share a lot more cat memes,” one avid far right page follower sighed, “and I’m not sure there’s enough new ones to go around.”

There is also concern that people may start viewing others with less suspicion.

”I might have to try taking to people who look different to myself,” another worried, “without the constant reinforcement of stereotypes and misrepresentation of ‘others’ I could accidentally discover that people are just people. Years of my life may have been wasted. It’s not on.”

The effectiveness of the butcher’s shop protest has also been called into question. It appears to have had nowhere near the success of the climate change ones.

”People are just asking the butcher how much for a pound of the gammon in the window?” a disgruntled hatemonger moaned, “and my sunburn looks like turning into cracking. Someone rub some more salt in!”

Another unintended consequence maybe the severance of lucrative funding streams made possible by the social media platforms.

”I might have to get a real job?” little Tommy fumed, “and that is really not on!”

Stonehenge to be demolished after revelation it was built by immigrants

BREAKING (MONUMENTS) : The Salisbury countryside is in for a swift and much needed renewal with the news that Stonehenge is to be demolished after the revelation it was built by immigrants.

”Before the end of today, or definitely by first light tomorrow, a team will be on site at Stonehenge with JCB’s and dynamite,” Mr Potty Pure (Tory MP – Bashhead-on-Rock), Minister for Cultural Purity told LCD Views, “no later than lunch time Thursday. At the latest. We’re not messing about with this. It’s too explosive.”

The news that the government is to act quickly to protect the sensitive feelings of proper British people, and especially Brexiters, has pleased many.

”It’s an insult to all hardworking British men and children,” a spokesman for Nigel Farage told LCD Views, calling via the Kremlin, “the fact that Stonehenge has been allowed to stand so long shows the damage immigrants can do to the British countryside. Those rocks belong in British soil where British people can marvel at them. Not stood upright for millennia as a plain taunt to the eyes of the people who pay the taxes immigrants come to steal.”

Asked what will be built in the place of the insulting eyesore, Mr Pure was definite.

”A carpark,” he replied, puffing out his chest, “a classic British carpark which will be a fitting reminder to the Turks that invaded the landscape due to lax EU border controls not to come here with ideas about farming and putting one stone on top of another stone ever again.”

But the decision to replace Stonehenge with a carpark hasn’t gone unchallenged.

”They’ll be wanting a monarch to bury under the carpark I suppose,” a representative from Leicester Cathedral said, “well they’re not having our Richard. We’ve only just dug him up.”

Rumours that the Home Office will import a Dutch monarch to bury under the carpark are yet to be confirmed.

”That’s just scurrilous gossip. We’ll be placing a proper English king under the asphalt. Like William the Conqueror or maybe even Prince Albert, if the Victoria and Albert Museum will let us have him.”

New postcards of the Salisbury landscape will shortly be issued by the Ministry for Cultural Purity and this time they’ll show the proper story of Britain exactly how it needs to be rewritten.

Boris Johnson fired from The Telegraph after stabbing the editor with his nose

Boris “Pinocchio” Johnson has finally come to the end of the (by)-line at The Telegraph. Witnesses describe the scene where Johnson, in an editorial meeting, managed to stab the paper’s editor with his telescopically expanding nose.

Our mole at The Telegraph takes up the story.

“It was an astonishing sight,” says the mole, codenamed ‘Adrian’. “The editor asked him what the thrust of his article was, and Boris said it was about The People being desperate for a No Deal Brexit at any cost. At his point, Boris’ nose started to grow longer, and longer, and longer at an alarming rate. The editor was unable to get out of the way in time, and ended up impaled on Johnson’s proboscis.”

At this point, Boris panicked. “Oh, my dear fellow, I’m most terribly sorry!” he said. “I didn’t mean to do that!” But the nose just kept on growing.

“Your readers will love my piece, they can’t get enough Boris!” he continued. But the nose just kept on growing.

“Don’t worry, I will soon sort this out!” he stuttered. But the nose just kept on growing.

Fortunately, at this point the door burst open. A stunningly attractive woman, hearing the commotion, came in to find out what was going on. “What the Jiminy Cricket is happening in here?” she yelled.

“Hey Gorgeous!” cried Boris. Immediately the nose began to shrink, releasing the bewildered editor, who sank into his blood-spattered chair.

“I believe in miracles, you sexy thing,” crooned Boris, turning his full attention to the woman. “If you think my nose is impressive, just wait until you see my …” But he stopped, as his nose was growing again.

The woman took two steps forward, grabbed the nose and snapped it in two. “Ow!” exclaimed Boris.

“Collect your P45 on the way out, Mr Johnson,” she said, tossing the fragments of nose onto the floor.

Rumour has it that Boris Johnson is actually in possession of a rather bendy banana.

Boris Johnson Telegraph column breached accuracy rules with claim of popular support for no-deal Brexit

Disney release film adaptation of David Cameron’s long awaited memoirs

LCD Views can only speculate on the contents of David “porky” Cameron’s long awaited memoirs, but thankfully we don’t have to as Disney have released a film adaptation of the book, prior to the book release.

“HarperCollins are actually threatening to sue Disney,” an insider in David Cameron’s shed told LCD Views, “I’m so happy to talk to you. It’s so depressing in here. Mostly it’s just Dave sitting in that old armchair that belonged to Chamberlain muttering about how he wasn’t wrong to call the IN/OUT ref.”

That must get a little dreary.

“David’s mantra is ‘no regrets’, but Tony Blair phones him up every now and then and just laughs. I think he’s trying to do a Joker impersonation. David doesn’t want to talk about it. The prank calls are a little weird. Dave blocks Tony’s number, but he just gets another burner and calls again.”

We will have our people talk to ‘T Bone’ and ask him to lay off.

“Would you? Dave has enough on his plate, what with arranging for the silver to be polished and wandering the halls of the house wondering if he should get his wardrobe updated. Like, a total makeover or just one hundred new pairs of Diesel jeans and some thongs?”

So tell us what’s upset HarperCollins?

“Disney were sold the rights to Cameron’s memoirs but they weren’t supposed to release the film adaptation until the book comes out. It was supposed to be a tie-in. The marketing people are livid.”

Well, they’re probably fed up with waiting? The link between a fictional elephant that can fly, but no one believes in his hidden abilities, and an empty vessel of a man who triggered potentially the break up of the United Kingdom because no one believed in his hidden potential for blind stupidity, that’s a strong link. I wouldn’t want to sit on the movie either. Get it out there! No regrets!

“I think it’s mostly the ending to the film that has upset HarperCollins.”

Why? Is it not factual?

“It’s too factual. In the movie Davebo ends up with his reputation shredded, doomed to mostly be remembered for shagging a dead pig in the head. Oh, and buying a shed. It’s a spoiler that may put people off bothering buying the book instead.”

But what about Brexit?

“Oh, that’s doomed to fail too, so he won’t even be remembered for that in the end, it’ll be a footnote.”

So just remembered for allegedly shagging a dead pig in the head?

“Yes. Just as he deserves.”

The Telegraph admits it’s now a joke paper

LCD Views can report today on a finding against a lesser known perhaps, and certainly less factual publication than our own, The Telegraph.

The news concerns how the press complaints authority, WTF, has found against it as a result of some propagandising bollocks written while half awake by Bojo, that the right wing rag foolishly printed.

”It’s long been understood that any of the numerous satirical publications available digitally contain more factual information than a right wing waste of good trees,” the finding read, “and it’s no surprise that The Telegraph, by paying Boris Johnson an eye watering sum to construct one word salad a week, was going to come unstuck.”

In an unusual move for the press regular it then included a link to Charlie Chaplin’s climatic speech from the climax of ‘The Dictator’, which we have also included in our robust report :

The finding said the speech was included as both a tonic and a warning to the self-serving aspirations of casual columnists like Mr Johnson, who have no qualms about using dog whistle racism to further their personal aims.

”Furthermore, we would like to ask how Mr Johnson, already a full time employee of the people, can justify such lucrative additional roles, especially when they appear designed solely to advance his own career, presumably the interests of his paymasters, and God only knows who else offshore? Are these the actions we expect of our elected representatives? And maybe it would be better if all additional incomes where forfeited while in office? And lying MPs removed?”

The newspaper said the following in its defence :

Bojo’s column was “clearly comically polemical” and “could not be reasonably read as a serious, empirical, in-depth analysis of hard factual matters.”

That’s what they actually said, but it goes for anything Boris says.

LCD Views thinks these are good questions to ask. Furthermore, as The Telegraph is spaffing money up the wall of Mr Johnson just to smash out nonsense, as confessed by the paper itself, perhaps they’d like to consider paying us to do it for half the price?

Danny Dyer to record David Cameron’s autobiography as an audiobook

People who like to read are in for a treat on their summer holidays this year with the news they won’t have to bother with David Cameron’s autobiography.

”This is because Danny Dyer has been commissioned to record the audiobook edition,” an insider claiming to work for Harper Collins told LCD Views – on the condition we kept it to ourselves.

To give you a flavour of how it will sound we have included the following link of Danny reviewing David’s greatest achievement  :

The contract for the Dyer edition is being kept secret and we understand Danny will deny it if questioned.

”It’s going to be fruitier than the printed edition,” the insider continued, “with lots of confusing lower order slang and wordplay. Basically anyone wanting to hear Britain’s greatest living prime minister’s thoughts from a genuine point of thinking that it’s somehow worthwhile, well, they’ll need a translator, it’ll be like listening to Jamie Oliver in full flow, only it will be the real deal and not mockney.”

But when did the publishers get the draft to Danny to record, given that Wonder Dave has only just handed it in?

”They didn’t,” the insider confirms, “they asked Danny to use his imagination and give us the real David Cameron, the one everyone can plainly see. Not the PR bullshit version that Mr Cameron would like you to see.”

And will the Dyer version be titled differently to the Cameron written one?

”Yes. Trotters is the front runner. Although No Regrets is also a possibility.”

LCD Views would like to commend the entire team for their work on what is an almost impossible task.

Just how do you finish a memoir that ends in complete failure?

We look forward to finding out as we holiday in Nice, with our trotters up, this summer.

Woman red faced after dodgy home movie leaks all over social media

A British woman, who goes to church but never listens, has been left red faced after a private movie, filmed at home, presumably by her husband, was leaked across social media.

While the woman’s identity has not yet been made public, social media analysts say they are concerned at the impact on her professional life once someone recognises her and names her. The dialogue in the movie is pretty graphic and gives the clear impression of a desperate person seeking refuge in a rich fantasy life.

“By her dress she’s a vicar’s daughter,” our viral expert says, “although long strayed from the path, by no means a good Samaritan. Just look at the symbols in the video? She’s clearly very wealthy, but is slumming it on an Ikea sofa? That’s a prop for some fruity foreplay right there, with her partner and potentially others. This is very possibly a view into a secret society. You notice how she gets visibly aroused when talking about ending freedom of movement? This is code for bondage. The safe word appears to be Labour.”

Whether the video was accidentally posted online, or deliberately, by the person filming it is not yet clear, but we suspect it’s accidental. The footage is rough. The camera work shaky. Possibly due to over excitement on the part of the person filming, in consideration of the position they intend to take on sterling?

“The crap production values are a sure sign of what we in the trade term ‘roughing it porn’,” our analyst adds, “this is an exceptionally well off individual who gets their kicks from moving their expensive furniture out of the room and then surrounding themselves with furnishings only low born types would use, and then sitting. More niche than furries.”

So far the social media giants have been slow to take down the video, which has led to calls for greater regulation of the sector.

“It’s pretty grim. To have your fetish just up there for all the world to see. Presumably we’re all just lucky the film ends before she changes into a maid’s uniform and starts doing the dusting, while putting on a cockney accent that would cause even Dick Van Dyke to cry foul!”

We just hope the video wasn’t posted as an act of revenge for something trivial like the establishment of a booming food bank sector and the complete and utter humiliation of an entire country by the setting of red lines written out of a clear sense of xenophobia.

Mark Francois changes his name by deed poll to Mark Gammon

Mark Francois MP for cured, salted, boiled and fried hams has announced exclusively via LCD Views that he has changed his name by deed poll to Mark Gammon MP.

”I did it all by myself,” Mark Gammon told us proudly, “and no one helped me. Even the joined up writing is in my own mark making.”

The change of name by the salty MP is thought to have been done to better reflect not only Mark’s actual constituency of red faced men, but his rising status as a natural comic genius.

This is best displayed whenever parliament utilises the sovereignty Mark claims it lost, but never did, and definitively shouldn’t use if it goes against Mark’s ideological objectives.

”They’re Jacob’s objectives actually,” Mark said, “I back them too because he says it’ll make me posh. It’s nice when your betters make use of you. Really warming.”

To be honest though, we can only speculate as to his thinking behind the name change, as he couldn’t tell us his thinking because his dog ate it.

And while many have slapped Mark on the crackling for his change in handle, it has given rise to the predictable, boring, snowflake claims of bigotry.

”Why not continue to acknowledge his heritage and choose not gambon or prosciutto or pork derivatives of this kind but straight up ham? English names too good for Mark “posh friends” de Gammon are they?”

We think that’s unfair. And as soon as Mark has finished rolling about in fits of rage we’ll slap him on the back with a ladle of apple sauce.

”To celebrate I’m adopting little Andy Bridgen so he can be Gammon by name as well as nature too,” Mark added, which was a nice surprise for all of us.

Man to keep parting his hair hard right after successful TV outing

LCD Views can report today that a man is to keep parting his hair to the hard right after a successful outing on television.

“He’s a dedicated follower of retro fashions,” our political styles correspondent reports, “some would even go so far as to say he aims to set the trends, but with a 30’s feel. The hair, parted right, is one big step in the right direction.”

The decision to showcase the hairstyle, made famous in the first half of the 20th century, on a bubbly lifestyle programme is thought to be a stroke of genius, after a personal struggle.

“I am sure when he received the call to go on Newsnight, which used to be a serious attempt at journalism but is now mostly a late edition of ‘The One Show’, he put down that book of ‘How to name your next baby – Latin edition’ and got out the hairspray. Well, more correctly, called for nanny to get the hairspray. You’ve got to show the people what you really are, especially if you’re going to be the last thing they see before they give up in exasperation for the day and call it a night.”

But it’s believed the hair isn’t the only thing to stay after the tour de force.

“The lighting man really set him up well too,” our correspondent notes, “to have the shadow fall in a square under the nose? It’s like a show trial run. I expect he’ll be spending that little bit less on razors now that the upper lip area is going dental. The perfect way to show people what’s going on inside.”

Trading standards force ERG to rename themselves just ‘Group’

Fantastic news for lovers of accuracy in nomenclature today with the news that the Trading Standards authorities have moved to force the ERG to rename themselves just ‘Group’.

”They clearly haven’t done any research ever in the field of study they claim to be focused on,” Mr Just Foff, Trading Standards, told us, “although there’s ample evidence they do a lot of occult studies. I suspect they’ll soon be announcing a uniform and going off in search for the Arc of the Convenant, given recent statements by prominent members.”

Another area of concern in the name seems to be confusion over why they put Europe in their original name.

”Presumably it’s to misrepresent their motivations? Suitably vague enough for anyone to decide for themselves what it’s there for. Which is classic con artist playbook of course, although I’m only speculating. We did press them to explain but the mere mention of the word Europe caused most to shut down into a catatonic state. Presumably that’s why they have always just said ERG in the past.”

But at least they’re safe with group?

”Yes, they’re definitely a group, no doubt about that. A group of what you can decide for yourselves. We’re happy to allow them to leave that suitably vague.”

So how are they taking the news?

”I don’t think it’s registered with them yet. Most are so busy changing their positions on May’s deal, based on their own calculation of their chance for personal political elevation, that it hasn’t sunk in.”

Maybe a wholesale rebranding would be a good idea?

”Yes. If they were to rename themselves a Shower of Bastards, we’d have no problem with that.”