Banks death notice causes panic among Tories

Unless foul play or contagious illness are involved, it’s unusual for the death of a public figure to inspire a reaction of terror, but that’s what happened yesterday morning in government circles when the death of a man named Banks was disclosed.

The announcement “Banks dead!” caused widespread panic among the Conservative party and their rich chums, especially those in the banking sector, as they feared for their ill-gotten gains.

Stockbroker Ian Vestments had the following comment on the matter:

“I was getting calls from every senior Tory politician and banker you can think of. They were all asking what the future was for their money if the banking system was truly dead and buried. In the first instance I asked what they were talking about, and it didn’t take long to find out. It turns out they’d seen the headline and panicked. It wasn’t Arron Banks, it was just some footballer. I kept getting lots of calls for the next several minutes but eventually it tailed off.”

Mr Vestments spent the overwhelming majority of the morning (52% according to his telephone records) explaining to the Tories that nothing had happened to their money.

“They all seemed very relieved when they found out that it was just a person, especially just some old footballer,” Mr Vestments added.

“No disrespect to Mr Banks, he was a national hero, a key member of England’s winning World Cup squad in 1966, and his passing should be noted. At least no disrespect to him from me. You should have heard what those snooty bastards said when they found out the news!”

According to the call logs, a Mr Jacob Rees-Mogg was distraught. “You mean one has wasted one’s energies worrying about one’s money?” he ranted, outraged at the thought. “Instead, one discovers it was the merciful decease of a filthy working class football hooligan!”

Even when corrected about Mr Banks being a player, Mr Rees-Mogg insisted there was no difference. “It’s fake news!” he said, reasonably.

Boris Johnson’s reaction was a fear for the future funding of Brexit, while Theresa May planned to compensate by raising a new tax on the working classes.

We at LCD Views say shame on every Conservative politician and banker who feared for their money on reading the news, and offer our condolences to the family and friends of Mr Gordon Banks.

Nigel Farage leads campaign to remove all European influence from the English language

Nigel Farage, the most successful failure in the United Kingdom, has launched a fresh initiative. He is calling for a Brexit of the English language. If successful, this means that all words which can be traced back to Europe will be removed from the language with immediate effect.

Farage is calling the project “Ingerlish language for Ingerlish people”. LCD’s Bad Language correspondent paid a visit to the man who put the ‘moron’ into ‘oxymoron’.

“This is all part of my Brexit Party project,” he claimed. “Ingerlish means Ingerlish! The Jerries and the Frogs can just hop off, so I can buy untipped full strength cigarettes and Watney’s Bitter again.”

So it’s all about nostalgia for your lost youth?

“Yes. No! No. Yes! Ermmm…” he waffled, decisively. “The point is, we in Ingerland have had just about enough of those poncy continental Johnnies poking their carefully trimmed noses into our business. We want to strip back the language to its essential Ingerlishness!”

That might be difficult, given that the English language has a rich heritage, with influences from many European sources.

“We intend to start with technical language,” said Farage. “All that hypotenuse and Yersina Pestis rubbish. Nobody uses that except experts, and experts will be banned too. We will then strip it back to the original Celtic. Communication may be difficult for a time, but it will be worth it. We want our language back!”

Basically Farage is saying we will all be talking Welsh after Brexit. So we met up with an expert on Welsh, before he is banned for all eternity.

“Welsh is a wonderful language, boyo,” said the Welsh expert, Dai Llaffyng. “But it also has its roots on the continent, see? You go back, now, before the birth of Christ, and the whole of Europe is speaking Celtic languages, isn’t it, you know? Iechyd da to you!”

So it looks like Brexiters will be reduced to communicating via grunts, with the occasional surviving Indian loan word, dating from the days of the Raj, thrown in for good measure.

To conclude, our response to Farage is simply this: Mmmph… Unngghh… Blurrrgg… Verandah…

BBC leaky memo shock! Farage will not now replace Humphrys on Today as not “pro-Brexit enough”

LCD Views has received an imaginary memo, purportedly leaked from the offices of BBC Radio 4 flagship ‘Today’ programme, which details why Nigel Farage will not now replace John Humphrys when he retires sometime this year.

“It’s pretty simple,” our BBC watcher says, “Farage is known to be fairly supportive of Brexit, but he can’t match John Humphrys’ level of bombastic enthusiasm. Continuity is important with a change of this magnitude.”

While many just assumed Farage would step into Humphrys’ shoes when he retires, it seems senior management have consulted with their bosses at 55 Tufton Street who advised they must find someone who can build on Humphrys’ body of work.

“They need someone who can really promote the sensible use of taxpayer’s money in turning the UK into a tax haven. This needs a figure of gravitas who is so comfortable in his biases and well padded nest of nostalgia he’ll readily be an unwitting megaphone of toxic nationalism,

“This is needed to enrage just enough of the electorate to scare the main political parties into pandering to it. And then watch what happens to the tax rates and the UK’s public services! That’s the prize, right there. That’s Brexit. It’s also actually Lexit, which is quite cute when you think about it.”

Whoever is found to replace the stalled-wart of BBC broadcasting will be allowed a grace period to develop their own style.

“They’ll be given John’s scripts to start off with. You know, the same one every day, nonsense like ‘the people voted overwhelmingly to leave the European Union and start eating their pets’, ‘the British people decided to become the world’s laughing stock, to the relief of North Korea’ and so on.”

Nick Robinson is reportedly willing to double up his own output of de-contextualised nonsense while a suitable replacement is found to keep him company.

“My money is on them digging up either Mosley or Lord Haw-Haw, but we’ll have to wait and see, they may opt to rise a new star and pluck a pineapple vest wearing lunatic off the streets. Which incidentally is apparently how John plans to spend his time in retirement.”

Why not just stick some electrodes into a side of salty British gammon, put it next to a microphone and be done with it?

BBC to be renamed Brussels Broadcasting Corporation in line with Brexit relocation to Brussels

John Humphrys is under heavy sedation and Nick Robinson has been given an action man figurine (resembling himself) to play with, at news that the grand old lady of British broadcasting, the BBC, is to be renamed the Brussels Broadcasting Corporation.

“It’s to tie in with the relocation of broadcasting services, ahead of Brexit, to the Belgium capital,” Jean-Claude Junker told LCD Views, after we got him on the broken news hotline, “so that the Beeb can continue to enjoy a license to broadcast within the EU. I am to be made governor, just to really get under Andrew Neil’s wig.”

And Andrew Neil isn’t the only one expected to go beetroot in colour at the shift in name and geography.

“But the English have never been ruled by anybody,” Andrew Marr is to stammer in shock, “and apparently I’m a historian. What are the English anyway? If not a mixture of such a vast array of European peoples that you can not say for certain which one ruled us. Therefore I am correct.”

The move to Brussels is expected to be finalised by the 29th March so that when Brexit happens and all our international treaties and agreements are torn up, at least the Brussels Broadcasting Corporation will be safe. And all the political journalists paid eye-watering salaries to spout pretty much unadulterated bollocks nowadays.

But might the shift lead to a change in editorial style? A more Europhile perspective?

“Not if Sarah Sands keeps on controlling the Today programme,” we were reassured, “and all the other Tory placemats that Cameron put in place to castrate what was once a great British institution.”

I ask you, is there anything David Cameron didn’t infect with toxin during his time in Downing Street?

In the meantime we suggest Humphrys is kept sedated. We’re not sure how well he’ll cope with being ruled by the iron fist of Brussels.

The BBC to become the BBC, the people have decided.

God forces Theresa May to sign gagging order

God has taken time out from his busy schedule of preparing for his son’s birthday party tomorrow to contact his lawyers.

”God is, to put it lightly, not best pleased by any attempt to associate him with the actions of this vicious and shambolic fascist regime currently infesting Downing Street. He has instructed us to issue a cease and desist order,” Knot Fiction, partner at Dead Sea and Scroll, told our legal eagle, “the order pertains to everything Theresa May does policy wise. But he has also issued a gagging order to stop her revealing the contents of the private conservations they hold.”

It’s believed the conversations are in reality one way.

”Theresa believes she is talking to God and he is responding,” Knot adds, “and you know what they say. If you’re taking to God it’s prayer, if God is talking to you…”

But Theresa May watchers believe the Almighty’s legal action will have little impact on what the current British prime minister does.

”She’s not talking to God and she clearly isn’t motivated by any genuine Christian faith, not least in the traditional sense,” observed anyone who has been on the receiving end of policies birthed in the fetid recesses of Ms May’s imagination.

The criticism is backed up further legal complications believed to be facing the PM.

”Satan has stated his intent to sue Ms May over theft of intellectual property and reputational damage,” a spokesman for lawyers for Satan, Also and Fiction revealed, “she’s thieved the hostile environment policies straight out of his lab and far too many people are saying she’s the devil incarnate. Which is causing considerable distress to our client.”

Bing Crosby impersonator to overdub festive classic as Snowy Christmas

It’s that time of year again when we hear the dulcet tones of Bing Crosby on the airwaves. However, this year there will be a slight difference. After over seven decades of regular airplay and featuring on virtually every Christmas compilation ever issued, Bing Crosby’s classic 1942 hit “White Christmas” has been criticised for carrying racist overtones.

BBC executive Ray De Yeoman issued the following statement to the assembled media:

“It has come to our attention that racist groups such as UKIP and Britain First have taken a lovely song and exploited it for their own racist agendas. We at the BBC are against racism in all forms, and have no wish to make any non-white listeners feel unwelcome in this country, and if this song encourages racism then something must be done about it.”

Rather than ban the song outright however, they are taking the unusual measure of hiring a Bing Crosby impersonator and overdubbing the word “white” to “snowy”, and adjust the final verse from:

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write.
May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be white.

Into:

I’m dreaming of a snowy Christmas, with every Christmas card I send.
May your days be merry my friend, and may all your goodwill never end.

Some have welcomed the move, others have described it as political correctness gone mad. A petition to reinstate the original version of the song has already been started online.

The move applies to both the original version of the song and all subsequent cover versions, of which there are many, as the song has proved enormously popular with crooners since the beginning, with Frank Sinatra, Perry Como and Andy Williams all recording their versions of it, not to mention the more recent attempts by the likes of Bette Midler, Martina McBride and Andrea Bocelli.

Those who are still alive are already overdubbing their own performances, with impersonators hired to do the same for those singers who are no longer with us.

We await the results with baited breath.

‪Tony Blair to challenge Jeremy Corbyn for leadership of the Labour Party‬

“You can imagine the fury amongst the faithful members of Corbyn’s handler’s insurgency group Abstention,” our special What’s Labour [Not] Up To Now? correspondent reports, “Owen Jones is going to find Tony T-Bone Blair’s twitter account and organise a pile on. It’s going to be savage. The king of the Blairites doesn’t stand a chance after that. He’ll basically just be rubble and incapable of challenging anyone. At least, not on twitter, he’ll have to block so many accounts he won’t be able to get any tweeting done for hours.”

Why the members of Abstention are so concerned is not clear, given Tony Blair isn’t currently an MP, so unlikely to be able to takeover the Labour Party and remake it into Even Newer Labour, as he couldn’t then be prime minister, so who would vote for him as leader?

Especially as he’s just taking the opportunity to redo his legacy in the heat of national crisis in the hope of wedging in a footnote big enough to obscure his part in a chain of events that led to a pile of bodies that is still growing in the Middle East.

It’s not Jeremy’s fault, for providing the space through deliberate inactivity on the greatest national crisis since the last one.

”Most of the PLP and a good chunk of the membership, they’re so fed up with this cynical long game, Tory Brexit enabling BS, people may just swallow their sick and back Blair to stop the Nazis taking over the U.K. fully,” the spokesman replied in an unguarded response,

“Jeremy can’t survive that. His whole agenda is based on a fence post. And he can survive Lexit, having a net worth estimated in the several million, and thus buffered against the conditions required to birth Lexit and the true Leninist utopia to come after,

”Or Trotskyist, or Stalinist, or Allotmentist, or Jamist, we get a bit lost with the lables. At least we’re not New Labourist. It would be terrifying if we got elected before Brexit. After it with Henry VIII powers and May to blame would be a different matter.”

So you don’t or you do fear Blair?

”We fear getting elected. Why do you think Labour never strikes when May is weakest?”

Army on standby after Boris Johnson’s tongue threatens to strangle him if he apologises for racist remarks

The army, Britain’s go-to answer to any domestic problems, has received an SOS. Boris Johnson’s tongue has threatened to strangle Boris Johnson if he so much as utters a contrite word.

Major General Sir Doug Trenches, head of the army, was not impressed. “We are the army, not the bloody Samaritans!” he yelled. “We are not here to rescue bloody toffs from themselves. We are already busy dropping food parcels on Surrey, for crying out loud!”

Boris obviously misspoke, as his many fans were quick to point out. “It’s just Boris’s little joke,” said Andrew Bridgen, MP for North West Gammon. But the pressure has increased after the BBC actually broadcast Baroness Warsi demanding an apology.

The dandelion-headed straw man himself refused to talk to us, but his tongue hung out with us and wagged willingly.

“What’s wrong with what Boris said?” asked his tongue. “They DO look like bank robbers, or letter boxes. Observation, not racism, and you can put that dog whistle away!”

It’s a religious observance. At the very least, you are being rude.

“Bollocks!” scoffed the tongue. “Why do they cover up? Are they ashamed to show their faces? Is it like those Nazi thugs in balaclavas? And don’t tell me it’s a symbol of their religion. If they wanted to draw attention to it, why don’t they just wear a yellow star or something?”

Forthright views indeed. So what if Boris is made to apologise for his, err, clumsy remarks?

“Clumsy, my arse,” said the tongue. “Not that I have one, being a tongue. But one word – just one word – of apology, and I’m afraid I will have to leap out of his mouth and strangle him. The traitor!”

What about the army being on standby?

“I will soon lick them into shape!” boasted the tongue. “They will get a taste of their own medicine.”

Betting shops are offering very good odds on Boris Johnson biting his tongue.

Sext pest Con MP returns traditional values to Tory party

The devils and the demons, the high priests of gammon and morality, are breathing more lightly at ConHQ today. The easy inhalations came with revelations in the Sunday papers that small business minister Andrew Griffiths has resigned from government after being found out bombarding two women with texts of a sexual nature.

”It was a terrible oversight on Andrew’s part,” an aide for the shamed MP told LCD Views, “not to have thought to marry either woman before bombarding them with demands they dress like pigs and let him go all deliverance on them.”

The MP for Sexting, known as a man of strong family values who voted against equal marriage on the grounds it was against his values, has now quit the stage with the crystal clear transparency of what those values are.

”It’s okay to be a bigot, but you can’t sext waitresses apparently,” the aide said, “this doesn’t seem very fair. They possess phones, clearly that means they want the attention of a powerful man. It’s quite the aphrodisiac to have a minister for small business demanding the opportunity to denigrate you.”

But while the sorry saga maybe a personal setback for Griffiths, it’s a new dawn for a party plagued by false dawns presently.

”At least no Russians are involved!” a media management robot for ConHQ said, “we’ll not yet. This is a classic Conservative scandal, proper old school Tory, it will reassure a country in which many people are wondering daily what the hell happened to us.”

A return to normality to be welcomed, unlike thousands of sexual text messages bombarding your phone at OCD level from a minister of state.

Pundits unite – “It was Southgate’s waistcoat wot lost it”

Pundits across the British media today united in blaming England’s embarrassing departure from the world cup on team manager Gareth Southgate’s waistcoat.

“Waistcoat?? Wasted chances more like,” wrote Sun columnist and former skinhead Bushy Arsehole referring to England’s inexplicable profligacy in front of goal after roaring to a surprise lead in the fifth minute.

“Kane, Sterling, wotsisname, thingummy – the one with the funny hair, they all missed absolute sitters and it’s all down to that idiot Southgate and his stupid sartorial affectations,” raved Barney Rubble, the Guardian’s roving public school football obsessive.

“‘Armless they were, just like ‘is bleedin’ stoopid waistcoat,” he continued, emphasising his unconvincing mockney accent and exposing a full chest tattoo of the entire lyrics of “Three Lions on a Shirt”.

England’s embarrassing exit has played havoc with BBC schedules ahead of Sunday’s world cup final, which had been cleared to allow for screening of a three hour documentary on the integral role of waistcoats in the UK’s upcoming departure from Europe.

Presented by the BBC ‘s chief Tory propagandist Laura Kuntsberg, the documentary was to feature lengthy interviews with newfound waistcoat fanatic and permanent BBC commentator, Nigel Farage on why he prefers to use the American term “vest” and Boris Johnson on “fuck waistcoats, I want to be Prime Minister.. NOW!”.

Although being unceremoniously booted out in the semis by a country that didn’t even exist the last time they progressed that far may be embarrassing for England, it does pale in comparison with the team’s performance in Euro 2016.

Only two years ago the heroic three lions were mauled and eaten by a country which, while boasting a history going back over a 1,000 years, is named after a low end supermarket, and boasts a smaller population than Croydon.

Even this though is overshadowed by England’s feeble showing in the 2010 world cup, itself overshadowed by the untimely death of Timperley tune-smith Frank Sidebottom, whose epic paean to the tri-leonine conquerors, “Three Shirts On My Line” had been released only days earlier.

“Werrr gunna win it fer Frank,” whined England captain Steven Gerard in an embarrassing TV interview moments before taking the field to be given what BBC commentator George Colthurst St Barleigh described as a “a darned good British style thrashing by Harry Hun, six of the best, trousers down…”