Deal’s off! Devil returns man’s soul out of terror of eternity with it

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT : THE DEVIL himself is in the news today, speaking about how he managed to get his soul back from Satan.

Goggle eyed lord of darkness, Jeremy Hunt, is clearly pleased as punch over having his soul returned by Beelzebub late last night.

“The fiend left Jeremy’s soul in a greasy, brown paper bag on the doorstep of Mr Hunt’s home,” an aide to Lucifer told LCD Views, “he didn’t want to risk having to look into the serpent’s eyes. Bag it. Drop it. Run.”

But why give back something he’d paid for with no possibility of recouping the cost?

“It’s worthless. Oh, and it was the smell. It was pretty overwhelming. Like a barrel of dead fish crossed with a complete idiot soaked in the sweat of an old pair of running shoes. It was only going to get worse over eternity. So a decision was taken to remove it. Write off the loss and move on.”

A cock-a-hoop Mr Hunt (holding the small bag between thumb and forefinger) told reporters:

“It’s pretty funny. I get to continue being myself and enjoying the sense of entitlement, I mean achievement, that comes from getting away with forgetting to register seven luxury flats on member’s interests, while plotting to further remove any sense of joy from mere mortals. Quite amazing really. I never expected, when agreeing my Faustian pact as a young man, that the devil would renege on the deal and I’d get to keep the spoils regardless. It just shows how clever I am. Why I should be prime minister.”

What exactly he plans to do with his soul now that it is returned isn’t yet clear.

“I’ll probably put it in the basement with my conscience,” Mr Hunt shrugged, “and all the other possessions that I’ve no use for.”

Man advised to hide as much as possible due to poor impulse control

HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND PANIC INSTEAD : The UK’s next Prime Minister, if he can keep his mouth shut, Boris Johnson, has been advised by primate specialists from London Zoo to hide as much as possible during the leadership contest.

“It’s because of his poor impulse control,” Professor Whawhahaaa! told LCD Views in an exclusive interview, “he’s little more restraint than an adolescent male chimpanzee. So we’re talking almost zero.”

But how did you get the message through to Mr Johnson?

“We first got his attention with some straight bananas. Traditional British grown ones, you know, the bendy kind? A bunch of them wouldn’t have caught his eye. But a line of straight ones and he was right over there.”

Clever. What next?

“Then we rigged up a mannequin in a blonde wig and put it on a little set of tracks. As he approached it we used a remote control device to wheel it into a cave.”

He must have thought he was in then!

“He did. He lumbered straight into the cave. But when he got inside we’d already removed the blonde via a hidden door. At first he seemed to think she was playing hard to get, then he became angry and started throwing his scat at the walls and displaying his chest.”

And after that?

“We tranquillised him. We placed him in a chair and weighed him down with copies of The Telegraph. When he regained consciousness we advised him to just stay there. Do not move. Do not go out into public. Do not commit anymore adultery. Do not speak. Just basically stay out of sight until Tuesday night.”

But won’t he just explode with pent up emotions?

“Quite probably. But it will only result in another Telegraph column and anyone who reads that has ditched all notion of critical evaluation of Mr Johnson. So no harm will be done to his reputation.”

But other people already have a poor opinion that may well get worse.

“That doesn’t matter. They don’t get to vote on who is to be the UK’s next prime minister.

Outgoing Tory chancellor writes economic joke about Tory party

DEAD AND BURIED REPUTATIONS: Outgoing Tory chancellor, Philip ‘the undertaker’ Hammond, has written a smash gag today and published it on Twitter.

“It’s a joke about the economy stupid,” our economics analyst said, just in case we didn’t get it in the office, “he’s playing it dead pan. So dead pan you’d think he was dead, and not just responsible for the economic undertaking of the country.”

The premise of the joke appears to centre around the historical reputation of the Conservative Party for sound fiscal management. A reputation these days that is now hysterical.

“It’s pretty funny. You can’t say that about the Tories with a straight face anymore, it’s why he published it on Twitter. Hopefully he can get his facial expressions under control before he starts using it on the stand up circuit politicians traditionally take to once they leave office.”

It’s hoped ‘the undertaker’ has some other lines up his sleeve.

“He could talk about FDI and productivity in the face of lack of investment in infrastructure. Why not about the national debt? That’s a riot. Also austerity and how wonderfully funny it is that the country’s richest 1% have increased their wealth so much over the last decade while at the same time there’s a booming food bank sector and homelessness. Then there’s the rental market? That’s another cracking area he can mine for jokes about aspiration and Tory government. He really has a feature length stand up routine on his hands.”

But of course the biggest laughs will be when he twins the Tory’s reputation for conservative economic management with their religious zealotry to deliver Brexit.

“There’s no money left,” our analyst says, “that’ll be the biggest laugh if they ever deliver the joke that is Brexit. That’ll be the punchline right there. We’re close enough already. Billions are being spunked on Brexit. A project the government’s own forecasts show will make the country poorer in all scenarios. That’s a joke in itself.”

The Conservative Party’s self professed reputation for sound economic stewardship, it’s now a laugh a minute, unless you’re poor of course and trying to live within its means.

Photos of Boris Johnson’s campaign launch lead to questions about his tiny hands

WORD SALADS ALL DAY : Boris Johnson’s campaign launch today has led to many questions, not least about his tiny hands.

“I know he’s nicknamed the Poundstore Trump,” a keen Boris critic observed, “but I didn’t realise until I sat in that braying audience of posh kippers today just how tiny his hands are.”

And tiny little digits waving about wasn’t the only similarity.

”He managed to turn the excellent and pointed questions from Beth Rigby, regarding his love of racist tropes, into a laugh festival for the well heeled, guffawing, rich racists who admire him too. Good bit of Trumpism there.”

But what about policy?

”There wasn’t much. Some balderdash about renegotiating the EU withdrawal deal with Brussels, based solely on the fact he’s an over-self-appreciating clod. He may just as well have said he’s going to build a wall in the English Channel and Brussels is gonna pay for it.”

Don’t say that too loud. You’ll give him ideas.

At least the journalists got to grill the hot favourite to replace Theresa May.

”All six questions before he buggered off? More Trump. Neither like being asked to justify their nonsense.”

So what didn’t he say?

”He said he’ll be ready to exit the EU on October 31st, with No Deal if need be. More cobblers.”

Yes, but what didn’t he say?

”Oh you mean about running down the Brexit clock till October and then calling a snap general election, after making an electoral pact with Nigel Farage, in the hope the brown shirts will stand down and he can sweep the board by hoovering back up the idiotic, nostalgic xenophobe vote?”

That’s it.

”No, he didn’t mention that at all.”

Man identified with ‘thoughtflow’ problem wants to be your PM

FOOD FOR THOUGHT : LCD Views has been tipped off today that one of the Tory MPs competing to be the next Tory leader, and so potentially PM, is rumoured to have had a scan to see what shape his brain is, or isn’t, in. We’ve been handed a short video of it and we release the transcript of the video below…

We don’t vouch for its veracity. We may in fact have just made this up horrified by the things the man has said…

INT.    MEDICAL LABORATORY    NIGHT

A fluorescent lights buzzes. Flickering. A bald, beefy man stands with his back to us. He faces a full length mirror. He’s dressed only in a medical gown. The shadows just about conceal his butt crack.

He is grunting. He is flexing his arms, bunching out his muscles. Over and over.

He is called DOM.

On the other side of the room a MEDICAL SCANNER waits. Lights flashing. MRI type machine. Something you can scan a brain with.

DOM

“You’ve got this Dom. You’re the spear of destiny.”

DOM steps forward and presses himself to the mirror. Arms spread.

DOM

“I love you. You can do anything. You are a man of war. But not a Portuguese one because that would be foreign. BRITAIN DOESN’T DO FOREIGN ANYMORE.”

A MEDICAL TECHNICIAN enters the room via a side door. Clipboard in one hand. Massive syringe in the other.

CLOSE ON THE MEDICAL TECHNICIAN AND SEE OVER THEIR SHOULDER AS THEY ENTER.

SEE INTO THE OTHER ROOM – A giant. A monster. Bolts in its neck. It stands drooling just the other side of the door. Stitches on its forehead spell ‘BREXIT’.

BREXIT looks at the camera.

BREXIT

“I want to sleep now. Why can’t I sleep now?”

The MEDICAL TECHNICIAN closes the door behind them.

MEDICAL TECHNICIAN

“Dom? I may call you Dom? Please don’t lick the mirror.”

DOM

“I’m not licking it. I’m kissing it. But there’s no tongues. It’s not a FRENCH KISS. Britain doesn’t do FOREIGN anymore. BRITAIN WON’T BE HUMILIATED ANYMORE BY BRUSSELS.”

The MEDICAL TECHNICIAN crosses to the scanner.

MEDICAL TECHNICIAN

“Dom, please come and lie down. We need to scan your brain to see why you’ve been having all these thoughtflow problems.”

DOM turns and begins flexing his muscles.

DOM

“Why the big needle? I don’t need the needle. I am good Dom.”

The MEDICAL TECHNICIAN sets the syringe down.

MEDICAL TECHNICIAN

“Please Dom. Afterwards you can pray in the room with the picture of Thatcher. Would you like that Dom?”

DOM begins to rock. He slowly starts to beat his fists against his chest. He makes a great gorilla. Confused, not angry.

DOM

“The typical user of a food bank is not someone who’s languishing in poverty.”

MEDICAL TECHNICIAN

“Yes Dom. That’s why we’re here today. Come to the table Dom. We want to help you.”

DOM paces.

DOM

“I hadn’t quite understood how reliant on trade in goods the UK is on the Dover-Calais crossing.”

DOM is now bent over, like a primate, he walks on all fours with his knuckles against the floor.

MEDICAL TECHNICIAN

“I can help you Dom.”

The MEDICAL TECHNICIAN slowly approaches DOM. Reaches out a hand. Dom stands up, still hunched some, and takes the offered hand. They walk to the scanning machine.

DOM

“From the cradle to the grave, men are getting a raw deal. Feminists are now amongst the most obnoxious bigots.”

MEDICAL TECHNICIAN

“It’s difficult, isn’t it Dom? Difficult when you have thoughtflow issues?”

DOM

“I want to be prime minister.”

DOM lays down on the machine. The MEDICAL TECHNICIAN calmly straps him down.

DOM

“See, you didn’t need the happy medicine. I am Dom.”

MEDICAL TECHNICIAN

“Very good Dom. It’s much better than when we scanned Esther McVey or Andrea Leadsom or Jeremy Hunt. Michael Gove actually got away and we can’t find him. We think he’s in the plumbing.”

The MEDICAL TECHNICIAN presses a button and the table and DOM slide into the machine.

A SCREEN lights up on the machine’s console.

MEDICAL TECHNICIAN

“Let’s have a look at your brain then.”

DOM (overshot of console screen)

“It’s a big brain. Dom has a big, big brain.”

The console screen fills with a SINGLE GREEN PEA. It spins. A UNICORN walks over and eats it.

DOM

“You like Dom’s brain?”

MEDICAL TECHNICIAN

“Yes Dom. I can see all of it.”

DOM

“You help me with thoughtflow problem?”

MEDICAL TECHNICIAN

“There’s no helping you I’m afraid Dom.”

DOM

“Because I am Dom?”

MEDICAL TECHNICIAN

“Yes Dom. I hadn’t quite understood until this scan how reliant your thoughtflow problems were on unicorns, Dom.”

On the console screen the UNICORN does a rainbow coloured shit. It plants a UNION JACK FLAG in it.

The UNICORN fills the screen.

UNICORN

“I am Dom.”

The buzzing sound of the fluorescent light grows loud again.

“Dom means Dom.”

The transcript ends here, but the Conservative Party leadership contest plays on and one of the favourites is Dom…

Hunt gives best reason yet to cancel Brexit

HIGH HOPES : Tory MP Jeremy Hunt has come under fire today for comments he made while launching his bid to be the UK’s next Conservative Party prime minister.

Speaking before a handpicked audience of lobotomy experiments in the media, and a few who haven’t had half their brain removed, but snuck in somehow, Mr Hunt held forth about his plans to not commit anymore financial crimes, once he becomes PM.

“I certainly won’t forget any luxury flats I own,” he promised, his beady eyes staring straight into the camera, “or where my wife comes from. Or that Slovenia and Yugoslavia are different places. Or to forget to call the EU a tyrannical, Soviet style state, while putting myself about as a skilled negotiator.”

All very reassuring for a man who may well be running the country by the end of the summer.

Running the country.

“Look into my eyes,” Mr Hunt added, “Don’t look anywhere but my eyes.”

Running the country.

“You are feeling sleepy now. I am going to count backwards from ten. Ten…nine…eight…”

Running the country.

Over a cliff.

He also took time to air his dirty views on Brexit, and focused particularly on the danger it poses to his party.

And this is where things went wrong, as Mr Hunt declared that a failure to deliver Brexit before a general election would see his party annihilated. This may actually be true, but of course, delivering Brexit will also achieve the same.

He also added, “…one simple truth, without Brexit, there will be no Conservative government and maybe no Conservative Party.”

And that’s where he put a foot wrong and just got everyone’s hopes up unnecessarily. Stop Brexit and destroy the Tory Party? Has anyone got the phone number of the Labour Party?

I used cocaine but I didn’t inhale, says Michael Gove

SMASHING IT : Tory hopeful Michael Gove appears to have blown his one opportunity to seem relatable today after saying he used cocaine in his early 30’s and he regrets it.

“He also said when he used cocaine he didn’t inhale,” our recreational drug abuser comments, “what the f c u k is that all about?”

The borrowing of Bill Clinton’s famous phrase regarding mary jane was presumably done to make Gove appear historically resonant as well as relatable, but it’s just backfired.

“It’s bollocks. Any reformed recreational drug user is deeply sentimental for the days when they got high,” our correspondent continues, “so Gove not only blows it by seeming to lie when saying he regrets the drug use, but then says he didn’t inhale? Well how did he use the powder then? Just mash it into his gums all night long? He can’t have injected because he’d be dead. I’m just confused now. Chop me up a line.”

And this is not likely to be the end of the story as the press attempts to get more details on Michael ‘masher’ Gove’s wild days.

“Did he use a rolled up American note like a purist? Or a British twenty? I guess given his personal wealth he may have used a bullseye of course. Then spent hours desperately licking it to get the last residues of the drug off? Although it’s hard to imagine him ever running out of supply? Maybe he’s still high? That would explain a lot.”

Whatever the truth behind Michael ‘nose garbage’ Gove’s drug use it’s clear from his statements to the press today that even back then, when faced with a gram of latin American produce, Michael Gove had had enough of experts.

Public servant with record in high office to write book on leadership when retired

WORDS AND PICTURES : A public servant with a long record in high office is shortly to retire in order to write a book on leadership.

“She’s already chosen a title,” a typesetter who will have to work on the expected tome revealed, “apparently she’s taken inspiration from a famous gif and will call the book on leadership ‘This is fine’. The subtitle will be something like, sitting still while the house burns down. So it won’t be a fire safety guide. Ha!”

What font to use will be a key decision.

”I personally am pushing for a font used in poster adverts for the Titanic. Something with historical resonance. Give the book heft as soon as you open it. Well, if you open it. Helvetica or LOOK THERE’S AN ICEBERG IN FRONT OF US FOR THREE YEARS LET’S CRASH INTO IT. But that’s perhaps a bit floral for modern sensitivities.”

And how soon can we expect her to smash out the leadership guide?

”Based on the knowledge she’s gathered over years of public service? I’d say about five minutes to write the book. Most of the time will be taken up with the foreword. I don’t think it’ll take too long to write out chapters on gems like,

‘Attritional losses and their importance in overall strategic decline – taking time to go backwards daily’

or the chapter,

’Deceit and its use in eroding stability – how the loyalty of allies can be lost slowly for no gain’

Don’t really need the chapters, just the headings. They tell you all you need to know.”

It’s unusual that she has decided to write the foreword herself?

”What? I didn’t say that. Some colleague of hers is going to write it. Old fellow. Been in the career politics gig since the 70’s. Multi-millionaire. He knows about as much about leadership as she does.”

Thatll be a touching endorsement then.

”I wouldn’t be so sure. Maybe a few barbs in it. After all, she’s buggering off into retirement without delivering Lexit.”

Hunt College, Rhyming University, clinches Universally Challenged quarter-final berth with surprise answer

WHAT RHYMES WITH JEREMY : GREAT NEWS TODAY for lovers of high octane, intellectual activities with the clinching of a Universally Challenged quarter-final berth by Hunt College, Rhyming University.

“The answer was a complete shock,” the host of the competition, Taxman, told LCD Views, “it was neck and neck, but as soon as Hunt College pulled ‘Culloden’ out of the bag, in answer to the quizzical question, ‘As a prospective Tory prime minister, which Scottish town would you name drop to best convince Scots you’ve got their interests at heart?’, well who would have expected that? Slam dunk.”

The competition is intense and which colleges will feature in the final is really anyone’s guess.

“Johnson’s College, Offensive Words University, is down as the favourite to actually win, but I wouldn’t bet too much on that, unlike a famous old alumni of the college, Stanley Johnson, who is reported to have placed a cool £50K on exactly that.”

Who is favourite in your mind?

“The Roaring Rories look well placed, if you ignore their voting history in parliament and besides, as the team captain famously said in a recent interview, they can just make up the numbers they need to win. Then there’s The Saj College, Home Office University, which is doing its level best to excel in punishing immigrants, to prove it’s got what it takes to clinch the prize. But it’s really a wide open field as they’re all exceptionally challenged in one way or another.”

Surely Raab College, Dover-Calais University is also a hot favourite?

“I wouldn’t be so sure. In a unique twist there’s a timed shoelace tying competition and he’s liable to crash out in that.”

LCD Views would like to wish all competitors the best of luck and hope that none of them win, because the UK already feels challenged enough as it is.

Feeling left out – Iain Duncan Smith launches crowdfunder to bring private prosecution against himself

SO LONELY – Iain Duncan Smith has announced today he has launched a crowdfunder in order to raise money and bring a private prosecution against himself for misconduct in public office.

https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/top-stories/iain-duncan-smith-on-boris-court-case-1-6079686

”What about me?” Iain asked, doing his best to make puppy dog eyes, “it isn’t fair. I’ve had enough of being the go to rent a dissembler for John Humphrys whenever Brexit looks dicey. Now I want my share of the real public limelight. I want my day in court. Haven’t I done enough to warrant that?”

Iain, remembered by some as a lion rampant when leader of the official opposition, is particularly perturbed that Boris Johnson is getting so much of the attention.

”Bojo is the sort of chap that would corner you in the toilets as a boy, whip down your trousers and shove a hot crumpet between your butt cheeks.” Iain stops for a moment to quell a flush of hot tears.

“Then he would hold you against the tiled wall with one hand on your forehead laughing while you cried for nanny.” A fat drop rolled out and over his burning cheek.

”Then the master would cane you for wasting food because the other big boys would side with Bojo when you told a master what happened. And I’d still have the crumpet between my cheeks!”

But criticism of the brainiac behind Universal Credit has been swift.

”Why should I use my own money in my own private prosecution? My type are entitled to use as much public money as we can. You could call it a birthright,” Iain asserted, looking calmer now,

“and I won’t stop until I’m 100% sure that in the court of public opinion I’m held in complete contempt.”