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Boris Johnson to build “The Colossus of Dover” – 108ft statue of Churchill facing FRANCE

BY HIS DEEDS WILL HE BE BLOWN : BORIS JOHNSON is seeking to capitalise today on the successful campaign to distract from the BLM campaign for racial equality.

“The furore over the statue of Winston Churchill in Westminster was a real triumph,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s completely muddied the waters, more so even than the Bristol Harbour when Colston was thrown in.”

To profit from this Mr Johnson is said to be planning to indulge one of his long running, monumental fantasies.

“We’re going to model the Churchill statue on the Colossus of Rhodes,” the source continues, “one of the seven wonders of the ancient world. This will be a modern wonder. It’ll really put Global Britain on the map. And what’s more, it’ll show the bloody French who they’re dealing with post Brexit! No chance of them dominating the trade land bridge between Dover and Calais with Winston towering over the Channel. Raab is beside himself over it. He wants to cut the ribbon.”

But controversy has already besieged the plan, with leaked designs showing the giant statue boxed, fridges if you like, but no door for him to get out. Permanently captured by Tory propaganda.

“Look. We’ve measured it in feet and not metres. What more do people want? And with permanent hoarding no statue protestor is going to be able to deface the statue. And think of the jobs that will be created? The small family firm which has been given the construction contract is over the moon. It’s a big step up for them from building garden sheds. There’s so much to be pleased about.”

The cost of the Colossus of Dover is also cheap, compared to Brexit.

“The project will run for years, with no end in sight, and cost £350m per week. Better spent in Dover than ferried over to Brussels! Take that Junker!”

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Boris Johnson refuses to feed poor children over the summer, explaining that he never feeds his own

To feed, or not to feed: that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the main to suffer the slings and arrows of outraged families – or, by opposing, end them.

“There is never enough money to do everything that we want to do,” explained Past His Prime Minister, Boris Johnson. “I don’t even feed my own children, why should I feed anyone else’s? It’s just spaffing money up the wall.”

You can see his point. The food voucher scheme costs about £20m a week. This is a huge slice of the £350m a week that the NHS isn’t actually getting. To put it into context, the money saved from cancelling the voucher scheme over the summer would pay for the much needed new royal yacht.

Feeding his children is a logistical challenge for Johnson in any case. There are complicated alimony agreements to negotiate. There is the problem of discerning whether a given child is one of his. There are children that definitely exist, but whom he doesn’t acknowledge. Then there is Wilfred, whom he acknowledges, but who probably doesn’t exist. It’s a tricky one.

Added to this confusion is the insistence from rational, empathetic people that the scheme should continue. Foremost of these is footballer Marcus Rashford. He made an intelligent, passionate case which Johnson naturally dismissed.

“He’s a soccer player and a picaninny, isn’t he?” Johnson waffled to anybody who cared to listen. “Where does he play? What? He’s a striker and a left winger? Sounds like those ghastly miner chappies that Margaret – dear Margaret – had so much trouble with. If that sort of person is in favour, then there is no way I can support it. Time for my nap! Wiff waff wiff waff!”

Back to the fridge, then. At least this way our children will become thin enough to fit up the chimneys this winter.

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“If you feed a hungry child one day they’ll just come back for more” – Tory MP makes sense of meals policy

MORE, YOU WANT MORE : THE CONSERVATIVE MP for the picture postcard district of Hunger-on-Why, Sir Toby Fullbeli-nondom-Ridiculius-Max, has been sent out today to explain the Johnson government’s decision over summer school meals.

“It’s learning that makes you hungry,” he told a compliant BBC show, “and during the long, glorious ENGLISH summer months poor children won’t be learning anything, clearly, they will be on whatever digital leisure device my taxes bought them. It’s hard enough to get the little buggers to receive an education at the best of times. All this moaning about food. Have you seen my collection of rare Albanian ivory? Family obsession. Began in the Crimean War. What were we talking about? Let’s put a tiger in that tank! Oompf!”

And while the government spokesman is perfectly sensible, there is now a rumbling political furore over Boris Johnson’s refusal to reverse the meals policy.

Some useful suggestions have come forward, from the Conservative Party, such as poor children to be sent a copy of ‘Oliver Twist’, to nourish their souls. Also that they may like to have a whip around and then donate the proceeds to the Conservative Party, the better to influence policy. Or even set up a pest control company and bid for a PPE contract. If successful the untold riches that would flow their way will more than pay for lunch.

Although that option is said to be disliked by 10 Downing Street, due to the risk of creating social mobility.

“He doesn’t feed his own children why the bally hell should he feed yours?” Sir Toby continued, reasonably enough, “children need to learn the value of hard work. Just like I did, and my chums. You try managing the man that manages your 13,000 hectare estate day in and day out? Bloody hard work. When I inherited Bilehead Hall, after my eldest brother was disinherited because of his stubborn refusal to call off his marriage to that exotic lass, I took on the full responsibility. Just you see the mess it would become if some low born child tried this? No stomach for the graft you see. It’s in the genes. Transportation was too good for them. You can’t cure that class. Born that way. Part of God’s plan. Burrrrrrrrp!”

But with the government digging in, and displaying once again an unexpected feature of Boris Johnson’s politics, that of unnecessarily wasting political capital (by the truckload), it’s been left to footballers to fill the policy void.

“You see that’s what really rubs us the wrong way. Some chap who was born poor trying to dictate policy to his betters? Merely because he’s got his hands on some money? New money, what do you expect? It’ll be the end of Great Britain if we let ball players force our hand. Heaven forbid! Good thing the football is back on. Bread and circuses! That’s what the country needs. Well, circuses. Not bread, clearly. Crickey. Don’t eat leftover pheasant for breakfast. I don’t half have some indigestion this morning. Besides, if you feed a hungry child one day, they’ll just be back the next for more. Nurse! My pills! Where in blazes is my nurse?!”

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Brexit : Johnson tells EU “put a tiger in the tank” – claiming status as the thick man of Europe

THE SUN NEVER SETS : BRITISH PM BORIS JOHNSON HAS RATTLED THE CAGE OF THE EUROCRATS TODAY as negotiations over a future relationship between the UK and the EU resumed.

“The EU always caves at the last moment to a power slogan,” a Downing Street insider said, “just ask that famous academic of EU operations, David Davis. We all remember his star turn as Brexit negotiator. So successful he had to resign over the deal he himself negotiated, in order to spend time rewriting his personal history. Or if you really are in the mood for a good lobotomy, Owen Patterson. There’s a link to a Katya Adler podcast featuring them both below. The heights of blithe, entitled idiocy those two great British statesmen have achieved is a complete neural toxin.”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000jmmc

And it is a well trodden path in British EU lore that the world’s largest trade power bloc always caves at the last moment.

“It’s not because they’re mature and grown up and believe at the end of the day working across borders is preferable to stubborn isolationism founded on a complete misunderstanding of the modern world. No, they leave that to the Brexiters.”

But one thing is more certain than what deal, or no deal, will be achieved by the ongoing negotiations, and that’s that Mr Johnson will spend most of the remaining time asleep. Waking up now and then to do some talking in case anyone is watching.

“No deal is better than a bad deal”, that classic of Theresa May’s time ruining the country’s reputation internationally by attrition, to add to her racially focused immigration policies (what a legacy), is also likely to get trotted out as the deadline to negotiations, self imposed by the UK, looms.

But surely the unfolding disaster of Covid-19 could see one of the most famous, “the sick man of Europe”, reapplied to the UK?

“Highly likely,” our Downing Street source agreed, “but it’s going to get a new twist, as the damage of Boris Johnson’s premiership rains down at home. Before long everyone will be calling him the thick man of Europe. Something he can properly own, without trying harder than he currently is.”

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Boris Johnson eases lockdown to “one affair at a time with one person from one other household”

SUPPORT BUBBLES : The UK’s world beating shagger, the Prime Minister, has further eased the UK’s CV-19 lockdown measures today, after taking personal control.

The easing has added to the smirking of the sniggering classes and their suggestion that each lockdown ease is only predicated on Tory MP lifestyles. Nevertheless the PM is ploughing ahead.

“In what some pent up Tory MPs are calling a long overdue relaxing of a rule that no one with a heart would have brought in anyway, the move to allow affairs to resume has been broadly welcomed within the Tory Party,” our 10 Downing Street source reports, “it should be noted that the scientists have not been consulted. But they’ve outlived their usefulness, PR wise, anyway after they realised they were going to be stitched up for the government’s disaster out CV-19 management.

“But there is some concern the easing doesn’t go far enough,” he continues, “as numerous MPs appear to be conducting numerous affairs.”

But all is not lost, and all is definitely not found, as a keen eye over the regulations reveals some heartening fine print.

“The affairs are to be counted in what is called the Reverse Hancock. This means that frustrated, and overly sexed, MPs can conduct multiple affairs, so long as they’re aren’t on the same day. So theoretically an affair conducted on a Monday still counts as one, even if Tuesday and Wednesday and on, the affairs are with different people. It’s still just one. As the daily total is what counts, not the capacity.”

The UK’s transport tzar is said to be especially pleased, as concerns about masses of frustrated MPs driving to Barnard Castle to test their eyes, after so long in confinement, are now also relaxed.

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Breaking : Churchill statue actually hidden from view after it criticised Dominic Cummings

BREAKING BRITAIN : DOWNING STREET HAS ISSUED an urgent clarification regarding the statue of Winston Churchill in central London, the statue they are glad everyone is talking about rather than the urgent issue of institutional racism in the UK.

“For the last day or two people have been talking about the statue of Winston Churchill,” a Downing Street source said, “this is great! They’re not talking about Black Lives Matter(ing) if they’re talking about WW2. Unfortunately this seismic global conflict is little discussed in the United Kingdom today. We blame ourselves for that. Recent statistics indicate that representatives of HMG, and right wing media pundits, allowed several seconds to pass last week when no one invoked WW2. We will do better. But, while you’re here, we do need to clear up a common misconception that appears to be taking root within the population.”

Is it that you do not want far right protests in central London to distract from the urgent cause of BLM?

“Hardly. Have you looked at the diversity of thought in government? No. It’s about the hoarding placed around Winston Churchill. It is not meant to resemble a monument to Boris Johnson, hiding in a fridge, even though it does.”

Is that the clarification? I can see why you’ve said something. It was looking pretty funny.

“No. That is not the clarification. The statue of Winston Churchill, who singlehandedly won WW2, while waiting for the Commonwealth, US, a goodly majority of European peoples, and Russia to turn up, was covered for an entirely different reason.”

Oh. And that is?

“It criticised Dominic Cummings. So like the Chief Nurse and certain scientists, whose names will be erased from the official records, it has been disappeared.”

Crikey. What did the statue say?

“The statue didn’t say anything. Winston Churchill himself did to Dom while he was having one of his visionary dreams. Basically it was an act of treason and Mr Churchill is now as gone as a Tory MP in 2019 suggesting we shouldn’t completely crash the economy. And let that be a lesson to the rest of you!”

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Brass necks in short supply after the government requisitions all available stocks

Peddling the metal: The government has been swift to acquire as many brass necks as it can. A brass neck is stronger and stabler than the organic version, and also allows for 360 degree rotation of the head.

Michael Gove is only the latest senior figure to stick his brass neck out. “The EU has better get it’s finger out and give us the outstanding deal they know they want to give us,” he says. “While we do sweet FA, watch people die of covid-19 and calculate how much this will save the NHS in the long run.”

Some of the lesser lights of a spectacularly dim parliament have also been donning metallic vertebrae. These include big-headed small-minded rent-a-gobshites like Lance Corporal Mark Francois and his sidekick Andrew “Mr Potato Head” Bridgen.

“These foreign Johnnies always blink first,” bluffed Francois, while undermining his position by losing a stare-out with Will Self. “The EU can get stuffed with its undemocratic high food standards. The British palate can’t cope with garlic and snails and all that poncy crap. They want a Maccy D’s and a skinful of cheap lager!”

Bridgen made the same points, only with more conviction and less coherence.

One reassuring side effect of all this brass neckery is the re-emergence of David Davis. He squelched out of his wine cellar, in the same suit in which he squelched into it some years ago. His rhetoric was unchanged as well, still believing that border checks will not be necessary. In which case he won’t complain if the French dump substandard barrels of wine on his doorstep. He paused just long enough to demonstrate another advantage of the brass neck: it’s telescopic, which makes it so much easier to bury one’s head in the sand.

Then there’s Priti Patel, who thinks that because she has a fancy job title and a big office, she can tell the police how to do their job.

Breaking: statues of racists and slave traders across the country are being taken down, and melted down to make more brass necks.

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Boris Johnson instals granite slab in Rose Garden with all his lies chiselled into it

WALKING HIS TALK : Boris Johnson is leading by example today on the subject of accurate portrayals of history in stone.

“Global Britons,” he addressed the nation, his suit a charmingly ill fitting ensemble cobbled together by falling drunk into his closet, his raffish dyed blonde hair styled in the manner of a hay bale in a tornado, “today I have put your money where my mouth is on the matter of historical accuracy.”

As the prime minister spoke the wind played teasingly with the gravy stained shirt tails seemingly incapable of staying behind his fraying, but still muscular, leather belt.

“To this end I have ordered a monolith installed in the Rose Garden of Downing Street with every lie I have ever uttered in public. On the reverse is listed every racist trope I have employed throughout my chequered career in the service of the short term political gain that can be found by playing on the prejudices and insecurities of those lobotomised by years of propaganda pretending to be media.”

But not everyone is happy with the new, honest Mr Johnson. Rumours that the aviation industry are especially concerned by the sheer scale and height of the slab needed to list all of Mr Johnson’s lies and racism.

“And it’s not only aviation that is alarmed by the sudden navigational hazard. The monumental size of the Johnson Stone means that London now essentially has a sun dial that will see half of the metropolis constantly blanketed in a shadow so dense day has become night.

“Let my testament stand through the ages. With its sturdy feet it will withstand the ill weather of fate I am bringing across this benighted land. Even when Global Britons are reduced to beating each other with thigh bones in the hope of a meal, my lies will tower over all.”

The feet of the slab are, of course, made of clay, leading to concerns that the next prolonged period of rain will see the slab fall.

“As long as it falls on Johnson I don’t care,” a nearby resident commented, sitting out in a deckchair sans umbrella.

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Nigel Farage steps down from LBC to present new daily edition of Question Time on BBC

LORD HAW-HAW AND THE SEA : GREAT NEWS FOR POTATRIOTS WORRIED THAT ONE OF BRITAIN’S MOST DISTINGUISHED VOICES, Nigel Fartage, will be heard no more.

“It’s not possible to shut him up, don’t be daft,” a spokesman from Broadcasting House told LCD Views, “he’s not leaving LBC because they’ve decided they can’t profit off the peddling of fascism anymore, he’s leaving because there’s an opportunity too good to miss at the Beeb.”

The opportunity appears to be the decision to begin a daily broadcast of QT.

“When we were deciding who to headhunt as host for BBCQTD (BBC Question Time Daily) we initially thought of Oswald Moseley. But. He’s dead. Bit of a shock. Some say that BBC research isn’t what it used to be! Ha! Research is for nerds.”

So it was straight to the modern equivalent after?

“No. Then we went for Enoch Powell. But. He’s dead too! Who knew? So next we tried A. Hitler. But what would you know? He’s dead. This goes to show you what happens when people don’t have statues in their memory. Everyone forgets all about them.”

Then you got on the blower to the old fascist peddling windbag?

“Yes. Via a diversion to the science department where we asked them if it would be possible to contain an actual fart and teach it to talk. They weren’t very helpful. We eventually agreed we would phone Nigel.”

But why did it take you so long to get around to calling him? I know he’s busy shouting at the sea most days, but presumably he’d love the gig?

“We thought he was busy spending the millions he grifted off idiots who subscribed to his Brexit Party and we didn’t want to disturb him. Besides, he is supposed to be writing a memoir detailing his struggles.”

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Johnson to remind Spain “We won the war” as Brits barred from battle of the sunloungers

COSTA DEL NO : British prime minister and world LEADER, Boris ‘Al to his chums’ Johnson is to send a sternly worded rebuke today to all of Spain.

LCD Views has been given a copy of the letter by a Downing Street source and can exclusively reveal some of the contents.

“It comes to a pretty, date I say petty, pass in the long friendship of our two nations when Brits are banned from the Costa del Sol, but Germans can just waltz right in, for no good reason at all. Other than a trifling discrepancy in CV-19 experiences, which are easily explained by the most cursory examination of varying use of statistics.”

And that’s not all. There are a lot of barely relevant classical references, which we have decided not to reprint so as not to spoil the surprise for Spain.

The banning of Brits is especially unfortunate given that “Her Majesty’s Government is set to relax social distancing further in the U.K., the better to allow Conservative MPs to resume their extramarital affairs.

“Can Junker just sail his yacht to Mallorca now with mistresses in tow, but Montgomery Filliby-Sax-Generouswaffle-Bunting-Pax-Romanica can not? This will not further Spanish interests in the looming unilateral, post Brexit, trade talks.”

It is certain that the great people of these islands will stand shoulder to shoulder with the robust stance of the prime minister. We will not be bullied! The people dying in their hundreds daily from CV-19 are in British hospitals, not Brits in Spanish hospitals. There is no good reason at all to ban Brits.

But it’s not all troubled waters. In a further boost to British morale Mr Johnson will threaten to hold the 2020 beach towel to sun lounger championships in Dover, with the competition broadcast across Europe. And we will say NO PADRE! NEIN GERMANIA! When desperate Europeans demand to compete.

And in a further example of the strategic genius of Downing Street, Swedes will be allowed fo compete, seeing as their government also followed the fearless “kill all the weak” public health policy with Covid-19.

Costa Del No? So what? Drink your own Corona! Brits are happiest at home this summer!