365M people found chained to golden throne in ensuite at Mar-a-lago resort

Reports from America this afternoon indicate 365M people have reportedly been discovered chained to a golden toilet inside the little known Florida resort Mar-a-lago.

“A woman escaped early this morning and entered a nearby police station saying she had escaped from an orange faced man’s ensuite toilet while he was distracted by something unflattering on Twitter,” officer D. Ocracy told LCD Views great team of foreign correspondents.

Just the greatest. The world has never seen a team like ours.

It appears the suspect, a Mr Drumpf, has been holding the people hostage for over a year and he’s not alone.

“Mr Drumpf is believed to be working with a Russian gentleman and numerous multi-billionaire neocons, or greed fuelled sociopaths, to entrap the unfortunate people.”

It’s not known exactly what the orange man’s motivation is, but it’s believed racism and a zero knowledge of history and current events is involved.

“He makes us all perform a ritual each day,” the escapee is believed to have said, “we have to disavow someone called Obama. It’s quasi-religious, the fervour. If you don’t say ‘Obama bad’, you don’t get your ration of gruel.”

Curiously though, not all the trapped people seem keen on escape.

“It’s thought a few don’t mind the forced stay. Mostly they are ones who like the way he talks because they thrive on lack of context and finding people to blame.”

Police are also working on the theory that this is an international conspiracy tied to the group presently holding 65M+ people captive in the U.K. too.

“We should have begun the rescue operation in Florida by November 6th this year,” the officer reassured, “but I’ll buggered if I know when the limeys are going to be rescued.

Most of the available law enforcement on that side of the pond don’t seem interested in attempting a rescue as they’re erotically obsessed with some kind of ideological battle that’s building between the far left and the far right, whatever that is.”

More on this as it breaks.

Chris Grayling to live as a hermit until Carillion goes away

In an exclusive interview Transport Secretary Chris Grayling talks to LCD Views about his new life as a hermit.

Q. Mr Grayling, it is Mr, isn’t it? You haven’t received your peerage yet?

No answer.

Q. Well, let’s move on? Why did you decide to crawl into this undiscovered, Neolithic tomb on a subpolar crag of an island hundreds of miles from the nearest, other inhabited island?

No answer.

Q. Okay, I guess that’s too personal. The next question is, what do you have to say to all those sub-contractors likely to go bust as a result of the collapse of Carillion?

A company you awarded massive government contracts to, even though, there were clear signs it was essentially being run like a Ponzi scheme?

No answer.

Q. Let’s push this one a little. I think the people affected by your incompetence deserve an answer, they accepted the work because the government backed Carillion.

No answer.

Q. When are you coming home? Have you letters you would like me to mail when I get back to Orkney?

No answer.

(At this point the transport secretary, who looks a bit cavemanish for having lived in the cave since he dodged questions on the rail fare increases, appears to throw scat at our reporter)

Q. Final question. Do you anticipate enjoying your pension in retirement after a long and glorious ministerial career of turning anything you touch to shit?

That’s what I’ll get my peerage for.

Q. So this is not a vow of silence, just a hermitage?

No answer.

Q. Goodbye Secretary of State for Transport.

A. Don’t tell anyone you found me or I’ll stop all your Southern Rail trains services from running on time. And do me a favour, chase the little devils away from my cave door.

It’s clear he’s lost his mind.

Still, at least he’s still being paid, even for hiding from his responsibilities.

Fed up firefighters erect a cordon, stand back and just watch Boris Johnson’s pants burn this time

LCD Views has heard from our source inside the London Fire Brigade that they are just going to stand back and let Boris Johnson’s pant’s fire rage out of control until it burns itself out, this time.

“It’s every day,” our anonymous source informed LCD, “We get called out sometimes six, seven times to the Foreign Office because Bojo has lied again, set his pants on fire, again and is now running around his office bellowing for someone to fill his paddling pool with water so he can douse the flames.”

It’s believed the strain on resources has become so serious it’s causing collateral damage.

“There was a record number of cats left stuck up trees beyond the mandatory target rescue time of three hours in the last quarter of 2017. That is because most of our units are standing with hoses in hands attempting to extinguish the blazing fires of Mr Johnson’s Y-fronts.”

This has led to fears within the service that Mr Johnson is actually part of a deeper conspiracy aimed at them.

“They want to privatise the fire service. They’re making us hit service standards they set themselves so they can claim only G4S or Carillion can run a cost efficient, target driven pant’s fire extinguishing fire service. It’s a scam.”

It’s thought things are going to get worse before they get better.

“Boris has nowhere to turn to. He’s been shown up to have been talking out of his ass about the £350M a week NHS claim, so now he’s blown it out to over £400M in the hope of being credible? He’s unstable. Where next? We can fund the social sector, house building targets with the money saved by destroying our economy on WTO terms?”

So they have taken a stand.

“When we got the call this morning we decided enough is enough. We’re not saving his flabby backside from burns this time.

We’ve sent a unit out and all they’ve done is erect a cordon to keep the public safe and they’re standing back watching Boris run about in circles hollering for love as his hair singes and his pants burn.”

Get the marshmellows. No wait, second thoughts, it’s hard to imagine what they’d taste like charred over such a blaze.

Just bring a folding chair, sit down outside Boris Johnson’s office and watch the metaphorical flames.

Computer simulation reveals we should just have let the millennium bug happen

Scientists working at the world famous University of Strife have released details of an eighteen year long study into the millennium bug, or Why2K?, as it was also commonly known in 1999.

“We should have just let it happen,” lead researcher Professor A Pocalypse reveals, “we’ve been running the real world simulation for years, where we prevented the bug, and it’s a bloody disaster.”

The professor points to the actual situation as it is now.

“But in the simulations, where the millennium bug was allowed to proceed, there were a few days of lost productivity, airlines were grounded, but mostly people were forced to stay home and enjoy time with family and friends.

There were food shortages in industrialised societies within days.

But suburbs reorganised their social structures into clans again.

Pretty soon everyone got over the raiding neighbouring districts for food thing, and sources of forced labour, and just settled down to a close lifestyle with nature. As they had the cultural memory to not repeat those mistakes for too long.

Everyone worked out how to grow their own food again. Fish stocks suffered a bit.

At the moment, in the simulation where Why2K? occurs, the palace of Westminster is being torn down and rebuilt as a pyramid. It’s very impressive.

There are no longer parliamentary expenses scandals. There’s no Brexit!

Ray Winstone is King of Luton. No one saw that coming. He’s currently fortifying the city before the fighting season begins again against Rees-mogg’s slave empire. Ray is very down on that sort of thing.

And the northern regions of England are much happier.

They’ve worked through back to refighting the Wars of the Roses already.

It’s hoped this time they’ll agree on a colour pattern for a rose that everyone will use in their pubs.

And there is no Trump. No threat of climate change. Actually, the Earth is about to experience an ice age. Which should be very interesting to witness.

How will southerners cope without central heating?”

Critics have pointed out though that as the simulations do not include the other nations of the United Kingdom, or even seem to realise the Midlands exist, they’re not a part of the “north”, it’s hardly conclusive, especially as the late 1990’s were perhaps more progressive in these ways.

Head of Social Sciences at the University of Life, Dr Fu Wobble, is also scathing,

“It’s pointless. It’s just more money wasted on modelling something that was clearly never going to be a problem, as it never happened. They’re wasting hard earned taxpayer’s money on this rubbish? I bet they think we can’t achieve a deep and special relationship with other countries by acting like a toddler too? Muppets.”

But Professor A Pocalypse is not having that,

“The University of Life is full of people who think Donald Trump and Nigel Farage aren’t racists. None of their research is worth spit.

And besides, do you see them answering the question, exactly how cold does it need to get in the north for someone to put on a coat?

Another year or two, once the mammoth has evolved again out of Jersey cows, we’ll have the answer.”

Daily Mail readers demand a Virgin sacrifice

Daily Mail readers across the land have been protesting the decision by Virgin Trains not to sell the paper. Virgin has now changed its mind (as a Virgin is entitled to do). Readers are overjoyed. Virgin has caved in to the pressure and taken one for the team.

Accordingly, readers of this once well-respected propaganda machine are demanding redress. The only satisfactory solution is to provide a sacrifice to the Gods of Brexit, in accordance with regulations laid down in the Book of Euroscepticus.

Doubtless the Wikipedia-dodging scandal sheet will crow about this latest “victory”. Virgin has allowed itself to be shafted by this least reputable of organs. Its reputation as a trailblazing and independent entity will be left in tatters.

LCD’s Press Predictions Correspondent reckons that this will be the Mail’s lead story in the morning. “They will brag about this, make no mistake,” he said. “Like a teenage boy after his first snog. No humility. No thought to the possible ramifications. Virgin will be slaughtered and laid out on a cold slab to appease the swivel-eyed maniacs who are running the whole show.”

We tried to contact Richard Branson for comment. “He’s not interested,” said an irritable voice from his media office. “It’s nothing to do with him, he says. He can sell whatever he likes on his trains. It has nothing at all to do with the month’s worth of negative press that the Mail is sitting on in preparation for the next rail franchise renewal.”

The sacrifice is to be carried out by a process of denigration, slander and special offers to travel on rival operators’ trains. Dirt will be dug, and mud slung. Branson’s face will be splashed across the front page with the headline screaming “OFF THE RAILS!”. The accompanying article will tell its readers that Branson is not fit to run a railway, amid calls for his resignation.

It is the only way. The innocent Virgin will be slaughtered to save the saggy hides of the old and wealthy.

How could we foresee massive business would collapse, asks famous party of business

“How could we be expected to foresee a massive business would just collapse, just like that? Without any warning at all?” Cabinet office minister, David Lid-on, asked today, in response to the collapse of Carillion.

“Everyone knows the only party that understands business is the Conservatives. Please put the emphasis on the ‘con’ when saying our name,” Mr Lid-on continued, “UK plc is safe in our hands. Just look at our handling of Brexit. It’s a prime example. With us in charge we should more correctly be referred to as UKIP plc, of course.”

It’s believed the collapse of Carillion, which runs every single public service in the UK, with the exception of the ones G4S run (you remember them, the army covered their asses, after they couldn’t run security at the Olympics, it’s a good thing army numbers have reduced since), will not have any negative impact on the taxpayer at all.

“It’s a great relief,” Mr Lid-on smiled, “I’m personally going to make sure the liquidation goes as smoothly as a car boot sale in a thunderstorm, with only a minor volcanic eruption before the end of trading. This is essentially a dry run for UK plc post March 2019 and Brexit. Firesale! Who doesn’t like one of those? Our neoliberal friends across the pond can’t wait for 2019.”

And the government wants to reassure the former employees of Carillion that they will be okay.

“Our foodbank sector is booming. There is no chance anyone will go hungry as a result of this giant collapsing after winning numerous public contracts while issuing profit warnings. You might lose your home though. Go find seven different gig economy zero hours job pronto.”

Further reassurance was offered to the former bosses of Carillion. Legislative changes in 2016 means they won’t have to pay back their bonuses.

“We should thank George Osborne and David Cameron for their visionary work on austerity. It’s been great for everyone,” Mr Lid-on went on, “You make companies with slim profit margins pretend they can run expensive public sector projects for a profit making loss.

It’s really an exceptionally clever way to run the country.

Germany and France, the Scandinavian countries, they could learn a lot from the way we’ve run the UK since the wisdom of Thatcherism took hold of public policy. What have they done? Total clown shows with limited futures now.”

LCD’s private/public analyst was just as forgiving on the government.

“It’s not fair to bully the Conservative government about their awarding contracts to Carillion, even as the stock market was short selling it. They’re the party of business. Keep repeating that and don’t look at the national debt under their stewardship.

Besides, how can they have been expected to foresee this? They can’t foresee anything.”

Grayling to be given charge of NHS after his excellent work with Carillion

Jeremy Hunt’s workload was pleasantly lighter this afternoon after minister for Transport, Chris Grayling, was drafted in to oversee the NHS for him.

“Chris has spare time on his hands now he’s no longer lobbying to give his friends at Carillion extra government contracts,” a spokesman for the department for health told LCD Views.

“He was spending his time today just phoning up Downing Street asking if there was anything he could do? And scanning Expedia for good deals on middle eastern flights, so it’s nice for him to be able to help somewhere with all his free time.”

It’s thought the helping hands will allow Jeremy Hunt to properly prepare primary, post Brexit legislation, that will hand the entirety of the NHS over to Virgin Health, as a reward for Richard Branson reversing the refusal of his toy train set to stock the Daily Mail.

“Chris has a proven track record of handing massive amounts of public money and responsibility over to companies issuing profit warnings.

He’s the right man to advise on the awarding of new NHS contracts to private partners whose only concerns are people’s health and well-being.

This should only serve to accelerate the collapse of the NHS, by decisions not being taken on merit or best practise at government level, and its lockstock privatisation.

Something we can all be proud of in the Conservative Party.

It’s really a legacy issue.

Our membership will have physically died out soon, so they won’t need the NHS. We’re trying to leave something to the neoliberals of tomorrow.”

Mr Hunt is said to have offered no resistance when Downing Street phoned him up to make him aware of the splitting of his duties.

“Jeremy wears his heart on his sleeve,” the spokesman added, “well, he wears someone’s heart there. He’ll always help out a friend.”

LCD Views’ public health analyst has this to say.

“That’s the NHS royally f*cked then. If I were you, and you have school age dependents, I’d be bloody sure you get them into medical school.”

It’s thought in this way you can secure being able to see a GP in the future.

“And you’ll get to discuss how big their bonuses are each Christmas, if you’re lucky enough to see them, if they haven’t been worked to death from exhaustion.”

Grayling wasn’t asked for comment as everyone has now realised that’s pointless.

Tories to beat Labour at 2018 GE after being the first major party to reverse position on Brexit

Labour was still looking the general election victory gift horse of Brexit in the mouth this morning, as news broke of Justine Greening MP challenging Theresa May for leadership of the Tory party.

Ms Greening won the contest thirty seconds later, the Conservatives became the newest pro-Remain party, much to the irritation of the Liberal Democrats, cancelled austerity, causing private fury amongst Labour leaders, and called a snap GE.

All within two minutes of the member for Putney’s rapid acceleration to the top.

“Who will you back? This great, United Kingdom or Mr Jeremy Lexit Corbyn?” Ms Greening asked, speaking from the steps of 10 Downing Street, even as Theresa May was still clearing the Brexit plan fag packets out of her old desk.

“We believed we had as long as we liked to take government,” A spokesman for Labour told LCD Views,

“but we were so busy calling left of centrist remainers yellow Tories on endless Twitter threads we totally missed the moment when the Tories began massaging the party message towards staying in the EU. We were building a movement.”

That moment was on the 15th of January when Boris Johnson said he would rather stay in the EU, than accept a soft Brexit, something the raving, neoliberal, imperial nostalgic freak members of the party would never accept.

It’s either a total victory for the disaster capitalists or slink back into the shadows for a few years.

“People were onto us,” an aide to the new prime minister revealed, “We were ruining the NHS too fast. And when people began to die prematurely in corridors, and the construction sector started collapsing like a deck of cards, but Labour still wouldn’t break ranks with us over Brexit, we knew we had a chance to save our skins.”

An additional factor appears to have been the majority of Conservative MP’s reading the Brexit impact assessments.

“Of course they exist. We were just lucky we had a serial chancer and blowhard like Davis fronting that farce so the media was too distracted by his constant contradictions to pry too hard. Any MP who read the first paragraph of any of the assessments realised immediately that Brexit was the end of the Conservatives.”

Asked how they plan to respond to the shock election defeat, Labour had this to say,

“It’s okay. Jeremy is happiest building a movement.”

MInistry of Defence apologises after accidentally issuing a warning of incoming visit from Donald Trump

The Ministry of Defence was in an apologetic mood today after accidentally warning of an incoming visit from Donald Trump.

“He’s an unguided missile,” a spokesman for the MoD explained, “even before he was inaugurated we were setting up an early warning system. Just in case.

It was based on the premise that a weak and clueless prime minister would rush to embrace the orange monster, driven to by an isolationist political agenda, fuelled in part by xenophobia and a lot of ignorance, so it was clear holding hands with Trump would be on the agenda. He’s the perfect moral match.”

It seems the alert, accidentally issued via a megaphone gaffer taped to the top of an armoured personnel carrier, had the people living in the village of Bumbleberry-on-Sty freaked out.

“It was only a test of the system. The volume was supposed to be set to one on the dial, not all the way to eleven.

We’re very sorry for any alarmed caused. Although that’s what alarms are supposed to cause, of course.”

The one compensation of the alarming mishap is that it has proved the system does work, even if it interrupted the lock in session at Bumbleberry’s only pub.

“We were tempted to run the live test in central London, as it’s thought necessary to prepare the population of the capital for the sight of APC’s on the streets once the Brexit riots begin. It’s a good thing we didn’t.

We’re not sure Thames Water is ready for how Londoners would have reacted had they been informed, while a majority of the population was drunk, of the threat on an immediate incoming, unguided missile.”

”It’s good to have an early warning system to alert people to any incoming visit from this POTUS,” LCD’s defence analyst said, “We won’t get any extended warning as he’s too scared of people turning out in their millions to tell him to bugger off. I suspect the Queen is very glad she’ll get at least a few minutes warning that it’s finally time to abdicate!”

Testing of the system continues. If you hear the alarm broadcast you are advised to go outdoors and be ready to peacefully, democratically, quietly protest.

So, so quietly, as quiet as a mouse.

Covfefe.

Competition time! Win one of the only Brexit impact assessments ever published!

We’ve decided it’s competition time!

To win the Brexit impact assessment report pictured (“Five Escape Brexit Island” book, not the baguette), finish the following statement in the comments.

“Brexit means…”

You can be witty, happy, sad, cliched, bold, original, long or short in answer! As you like.

– Competition runs for 52 hours.
– Winner is the most reacted to comment (the will of the people, that’s how we do things in Global Britain!) completing the sentence.
– Enter as many times as you like.
– We reserve the right to delete any entries that may have Facebook go mad at us or are just judged too unsavoury to touch.
– No purchase necessary.
– Book will be mailed first class day following the end of the competition (winner will need to supply a postal address via a message to the page)
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– We just thought this would be fun to try 😉