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Harold Shipman memorial statue to focus on the times he prescribed antibiotics

THE WHOLE IS GREATER THAN THE SUM OF THE PARTS : ENCOURAGEMENT TODAY for right wing pundits and sock puppets seeking to defend the philanthropic legacy of Edward Colston.

“Plans to design, construct and install the Harold Shipman Memorial Statue are being ramped up,” a spokesman for all the historically ignorant and racist social media commentators, oh and the UK Government, told LCD Views, “we hope to install Mr Shipman far from water, on a plinth, outside a lucky hospital by the end of the summer.”

But critics of the decision have attacked the plans to raise a statue honouring one of the UK’s worst mass murderers.

“They’re missing the point,” the spokesman hit back, “just like the left wing snowflakes who completely ignore the philanthropy of slave traders. So what if someone murdered thousands of humans, threw thousands of humans into the sea, actively profited off the worst of humanity’s ability for evil, so long as they left some cash after to a charity. I mean, let’s get a sense of perspective. Besides, the Colston statue only really offends people who aren’t white, right?! So who’s colour blind here?”

Wow.

But surely there is no justification for erecting a statue to a doctor who betrayed the trust placed in his profession so absolutely, to the point of murdering vulnerable people?

“I’ve just explained all this. We’re not erecting the statue to remember all the people he killed. We’re erecting it to remember he also prescribed antibiotics. I mean, that’s a one of a kind achievement that more than counterbalances the other stuff, which we’d prefer people didn’t mention.”

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Statue of Boris Johnson to be placed on Thames riverbed to save time later

GET DUNKING DONE : The committee overseeing the design and construction of a statue commemorating Boris Johnson’s time as PM have released a press statement today regarding their future (proof) intentions.

“No one should be in any doubt that recent events in Bristol have dissuaded the committee from forging ahead with total belief to finish our great undertaking,” a spokesman said, “and we will actually be ramping up our efforts. We have the capacity to construct a statue to celebrate our greatest current prime minister and we will fill it to the brim. Then we will take it over the edge.”

All well and good. But what about the concerns over the security of the statue, once it has been installed?

“No one will want to harm the statue of Mr Johnson,” the spokesman appeared genuinely baffled, “it is a very eye catching design. Mr Johnson is depicted in his running gear, seated on a white, wine stained sofa, a secondhand water cannon clenched in his hands, one boot sheathed in a rugby boot which is on top of a young boy and a mischievous glint in Mr Johnson’s eye. The eye by the way, it roams, constantly. Nice little touch. The other eye has a bendy bus designed into the iris and a garden bridge protruding from it. All up it’s a very representative design.”

And where will the statue be installed?

“Why on the riverbed of the Thames of course,” the spokesman shrugged, “to save time later. And the plague will be full of quotations of all of Mr Johnson’s favourite racist tropes.”

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Investigation into protestors who threw slavery statue into sea rules “they were just testing their eyes”

CROMWELL TO BE PLACED IN A FRIDGE FOR HIS OWN SAFETY : Good news today for people worried that throwing 17th Century slave traders into the sea is not British.

“Downing Street directed the Home Office to direct Dolittle and Touch to conduct a private investigation, worth £1bn, after the widely reported incident in Bristol on the weekend involving the statue of Edward Colston. That investigation has now concluded.”

During the incident anti-racism protestors removed the controversial statue of the 17th century slave trader, rolled him some distance, before dumping him into the harbour.

Get in the sea Colston!

There are now rumours that Nigel Farage has set up a gofundme to fund his personal retrieval of the statue from the sea floor, but those are yet to be confirmed.

“While there is some concern at the Home Office that Priti Patel may not be able to rule the UK with a jackboot, due to the rather curious decision of Tory governments of the last 10 years to drastically reduce police numbers, and that removing statues and turfing them into the surf is not on [if it’s slave traders, it is on], there is no scope for action towards those involved.”

However, the police chief in charge on the day won’t be getting a peerage.

“The inability to act comes after the protestors used what is now called in legal terms ‘The Cummings’ Defence’. Essentially they stated their aim was not damage to public property. Surprisingly it wasn’t even an anti-racism protest. They tore down the statue of the famous slave trader, who grew wealthy off the worst of human motivations and deeds, and threw him into the sea to….(wait for it)…test their eyes.”

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Every BRIT to get 350m FREE face masks after TORY CHUM ‘wins’ LUCRATIVE contract!

FACE MASKS FOR BRITAIN : GREAT NEWS FOR PEOPLE WORRIED ABOUT DYING PREMATURELY FROM CORONAVIRUS TODAY after Downing Street finally settled on which friend to give the contract for masks to, without contest.

The company that has landed the lucrative contract deals day by day in novelty shoe trees, with its only board member, Roger Daltbee-Spleen, having set up the booming enterprise last weekend.

https://uk.finance.yahoo.com/news/coronavirus-family-pest-control-firm-was-handed-ppe-contract-125938201.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAANPtfFo0KPBDuMTIJVI6YYUUCgR6khWWfDY80PLurlfUoe4uaIZS0SNC4qXuaDdDFHKge3-BRFSqw17vqHfzNwiTTaImuM-gYNXtgiOv58lkIC5eFRSERM84U7aY61WUQl-LXvX5i5lDe2DC2yJwWVfbsHDF7EFtF8cZDnxfCmDG

“The company currently holds an impressive £1.50 in assets,” a Downing Street spokesman said, “but this is set to ramp up overnight to hundreds of millions of pounds. They will swiftly be diversified into numerous currencies in a dizzying and complex network of offshore currency accounts. But don’t worry, those taxpayer pounds, euros, dollars, roubles and lira will come flooding back to Blighty when the FX rate is just right.”

But there have been some murmurs of Mr Daltbee-Spleen being a bit too chummy with Prime Minister Cummings, and could that have influenced the decision to use the little known 2015 legislative instrument to essentially gift him a mountain of public cash?

That said, we’re asking questions, not making accusations, maybe it’s just stressed out ministers making decisions in a rush in the middle of a crisis. Much like when Grayling gave the ferry contract to a firm with no ferries.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/may/15/firms-given-1bn-of-state-contracts-without-tender-in-covid-19-crisis

“That sort of talk is essentially treason,” the Downing Street source replied, with a stern face, “I would suggest you don’t use those words. Or even ask those questions. We have awarded the right contracts to the right people at the right time throughout the Covid-19 crisis. Which by the way, was the fault of the last Labour government.”

But surely the standard and transparent tender process could have been followed had the government begun preparing for the Covid-19 crisis when it was first warned about it in January?

“I would advise you not to ask that question again either. Some people may get the impression our whole management of the Coronavirus crisis has been premeditated.”

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Boris Johnson appoints himself chief fridge inspector

The British Prime Minister has taken some decisive action at last. In the midst of a life-threatening pandemic, he has been (not unfairly) accused of dithering and costing lives. But now he’s taking a stand on an issue of public health and safety, and about time.

In a statement issued last night, Boris Johnson announced that he had personally added to his job the title of “chief fridge inspector”, and will be inspecting any fridge he comes across from now on.

His statement was deliver in last night’s briefing:

“In an effort to guard public safety, especially in kitchens, I am personally appointing myself chief fridge inspector, effective immediately, and will examine in detail any fridge I deem to be potentially unsafe to battle this crisis. These inspections will take absolute priority, and I will not hesitate to carry one out, no matter what else is pressing.”

This comes in the wake of Donald Trump’s revelation that he had been inspecting his bunker at a time of national crisis.

It raises the question of whether this new job will interfere with his other more important responsibilities, and whether there will be a clash between his “inspections” and things like PMQs and press briefings.

“Look,” the PM said. “Fridges are a big thing. I mean they’re almost as important as buses for God’s sake! You never know when they might need inspecting. And Dom and I got our heads together and had this wonderful idea that I should be the one to check them, as I have a kind of sixth sense for fridges.”

Rumours that his own fridge is on the blink thanks to his attempts at DIY maintenance were also firmly brushed aside.

“So how do the British people feel now, eh?” he went on. “Knowing that their Prime Minister is personally looking after this vital issue, hands-on, no stone unturned.”

Well, it’s nice to know when our leaders are looking out for what matters. I wouldn’t know, I can’t remember when that last happened here.

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PPE company with no PPE rumoured to deliver excellent pizzas

Get a pizza the action! One company that won a contract to supply PPE has none at all to sell, although it does a tasty line in fast food.

The spectre of the much unlamented Chris Grayling still hangs over the government’s procurement system. It seems that government business is still being allocated on a purely random basis, topped with cheese, and half-baked for ten minutes at gas mark 8.

In fact, the nearest thing to PPE that this unfortunate company has is a pair of oven gloves and a pinny.

In better news though, the pizzas it delivers are some of the best around. “We only use the finest ingredients,” boasted managing director Mac Aroni. “Italian flour, Italian mozzerella, Italian tomatoes. Fuck knows how we will source them after the UK stops trading with Italy next year.”

Is the PPE supply business a sideline, a way of diversifying?

“No, my email was a practical joke,” admitted Aroni. “My good friend Fay Smask practically spammed the government with offers to supply PPE, but never got an answer. So I did too, for shits and giggles. Now I have this enormous contract and no equipment. Thick crust or thin and crispy?”

So long as it’s oven ready I’m not bothered.

Can’t you come to an agreement with Smask to supply the necessary?

“No, trouble is she got an order from the EU,” grumbled Aroni. “They bought everything she had in stock and everything she could source.”

Any idea why they wouldn’t buy from her?

“Don’t know,” admitted Aroni. “But the thing is, they always do due diligence, and although her company is rock solid, her Twitter account has an EU flag next to her name. Whereas mine has a union jack.”

PPE might, one day, be delivered. Possibly. On an Uber ferry, no doubt.

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Downing Street “ramping up” efforts to locate the one Tory MP who didn’t break CV-19 lockdown laws

DO AS I SAY : DOWNING STREET AREN’T WALLOWING IN THE DOLDRUMS of adverse press coverage (by traitors), they’re on the front foot and looking to fight back.

“We’re ramping up,” Matt Hancock, the self-inflating balloon of UK politics, declared today, “we are determined, now more than ever, to identify the Tory MP rumoured to have observed the lockdown regulations.”

The reason for the increased focus on the effort to test, track and trace the mythical MP is believed to be the press coverage of Bob Seely MP, who broke lockdown to BBQ with some of Britain’s finest potatriots.

“When we find the MP, and he, or she, must exist, we will be isolating them. We will make an example of them. They will be the doing the 5pm daily CV-19 press conferences, whether they’re dripping in the sweat of possible Covid-19 nor not. They’ll be declaring what a great job YOU, THE BRITISH PEOPLE, have done swallowing the BS of us YOUR BETTERS. They’ll carry on until they’re blue in the face.”

We here at LCD Views would like to wish the government success in its latest endeavour. It can’t be easy achieving total compliance from the public after “Cummings’ Law” entered the common law.

But like the Loch Ness Monster, Sasquatch, Edwardian Garden Faeries and Unicorns, the one Tory MP who put the public first and didn’t make an entire sham of a nation’s efforts must exist. And when cornered they must be isolated, presumably to be laughed at by their colleagues in private.

In other news, the new CV-19 slogan has been modified to “STAY ALERT – A BBQ INVITATION MAY COME AT ANY TIME. EVEN DURING LOCKDOWN.”

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Government website crashes after 17.4m people apply for fruit picking jobs

It’s a national emergency! We need strawberries to accompany Wimbledon fortnight, as the BBC gears up to show the complete tournament from the year Andy Murray won.

There has been an appeal for fruit pickers, now that the unskilled seasonal workers from the EU have been told to fuck off for good.

This is, of course, one of the wonderful consequences of Brexit. No more free movement, and a hostile environment. There are plenty of UK nationals desperate for work. You voted for this, as the dedicated website proclaims.

Or rather, did proclaim. It crashed, since once again the government failed to anticipate the demand. A cynic might say that the website was a last minute afterthought designed to be a shop window and no more.

In fact, the ONS disclosed that a total of 17.4 million people tried to log on. This, as the government will tell you, is the entire population of the UK.

Don’t use public transport! In fact, since rural bus routes were sacrificed on the altar of profit years ago, you couldn’t catch the bus in any case. Once again, the government is advising unemployed Brits to get on their bike.

The website has been somewhat resurrected. People have been directed to farms only 300 miles from where they live. This should not be a problem, since it is now perfectly acceptable to drive a distance equivalent to that from London to Barnard Castle.

Users lucky enough to access the website discover not only the fact that their job will be at the other end of the country, but also the FAQ section. If you click on the question “How much will I be paid?” readers find themselves directed to another page. This reads, “Take it or leave it. Incidentally, any Universal Credit, pension or furlough pay you currently receive has been discontinued.”

Oddly enough, this appears to be the only part of the website that actually works properly.

Pick for Britain! Long days, hard work, low pay, poor conditions. Do your duty!

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Downing Street announces “constituents whose MPs can not vote will no longer pay tax“

TPA DANCING IN THE STREETS : Downing Street has moved to get alongside the furore over Jacob Rees-mogg’s celebrated reforms to voting procedure in the House of Commons.

“From today any constituency whose MP has been disenfranchised by Jacob’s Corn Laws will no longer pay tax,” a Treasury spokesman announced.

“And additionally, we will backdate refunds of all PAYE and VAT already taken to return money to voters which has arguably been taken unjustifiably since MPs, who could vote, took part in the complete farce our supposed democracy has become under the Brexiters.”

It’s not clear if the money will be wired directly into constituents’ accounts or a cheque will be put in the post.

“Mr Johnson’s personal preference is for the cheque to be in the post,” the spokesman added, “but he’ll have to clear it with Dom first.”

It must be said however, that the equanimity with which the voting changes have been received by MPs as a collective, wherein masses of colleagues have been denied their right to actively represent their constituencies in the most fundamental manner required of a functioning democracy, shows that Brexit is functioning exactly as designed.

No memorials for U.K. democracy are yet planned, because the lobotomisation of parliament is still ongoing.

The constituencies which have been stripped of democratic representation are likely to see a rash of new voter registrations too. Backdated to last week.

“People should note though that the payments will be a few weeks away,” the spokesman added, “as we need to allow time for Tory MPs to register in the afflicted boroughs, in order to receive the refunds. And for the ideal company to be found to be gifted the massive private contract which will be needed to ensure a successful scheme is in place.”

Democracy, are you missing it, now it’s gone?

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Downing Street announces plan to turn Britain into an island to “future proof” against pandemics

LEARNING FROM OTHERS IS HERD : DOWNING STREET must have an eye on a general election after Covid-19 is beaten back by Blitz spirit and British pluck.

Early this morning the office of whoever is prime minister dove into the media surf with the aim of swimming right over the foam of criticism crashing against the laboured rocks of public health.

“For too long we have been unable to control our borders,” a Boris Johnson impersonator declared, “this has meant we simply could not stop people walking right into the United Kingdom carrying Covid-19. And then, like an invisible mugger, Dominic Cummings stole the message of public health right out of our pockets. And not only that, many caught a bad flu as a result.”

But a new initiative will spare Mr Cumming’s blushes in future.

“Island Britain will see the entire country transformed into an island!”

The plan seems to involve spending £350m per week to cut off the land bridges that have joined the UK to continental Europe since prehistory.

“In this way we will finally be an independent sovereign, island nation who can quarantine arrivals to our shores. It will not matter if they sneak past Nigel Farage on the beaches of Kent or land in one of the notoriously low security welcome cottages called airports.”

But critics have been quick to ask why the award to supply the earth movers and diggers for the project has been gifted to a prominent Tory donor without contest? By way of using an obscure statutory instrument introduced in 2015?

“This is Brexit Britain. We do things differently here. Outcomes are unimportant.”