David Davis announces Irish Border problem solved with discovery of seamless border technology

David Davis MP is setting himself up to stun everyone today with an announcement he has solved the Irish Border problem, with the discovery of an already tried and tested seamless border technology.

”All this time we’ve been searching Wikipedia to find a solution to the Irish Border problem, one which doesn’t involve infrastructure at the border and endanger the peace process,” Davis told fellow revellers at the subsidised Commons bar late last night, “and the answer was right there in the pioneering work of Rodenberry and Shatner in the 1960’s.”

It’s believed the solution is a platform from which multiple parties can ‘beam’ to any location on the planet.

”You simply stand on your assigned spot and a technician engages the ‘transporter’ which beams you to a pre-determined location, often without anyone noticing,” Davis enthused, “it’s going to save me time negotiating with Barnier too. Rather than pacing back and forth in a Eurostar train carriage when I now and then decide to make a brief appearance at negotiations, I can just beam right in and out. It will be like I was not really there.”

The only problem now seems to be agreeing a license for the transporters.

”That won’t be difficult, no matter how much it costs, with all the money we’ve already saved just by beginning the Brexit process.”

Final details are yet to be worked out, but Mr Davis envisions a transporter base will be built in time “in Belfast, miles from the border with the Republic. Put another platform in Dublin, say beam me over and hey presto! Conceivably the actual Irish Border can be bristling with customs posts after Brexit and no one will notice.”

Davis adds Theresa May will shortly be seeking approval from her boss Arlene Foster to get the go ahead to spend the money and make it so.

”Just so long as Sinn Fein don’t stick their oar in I can’t see anything but an easy implementation of this imaginative border solution,” Davis said blithely, “lately they’ve been meddling in Irish politics, which is not on, as that’s the job of experts at Downing Street.”

Brexit museum to just be a giant bucket of sand you can stick your whole head into

LCD Views is thrilled to announce that the planners of the much anticipated Brexit museum have said it will be just a giant bucket of sand you can stick your whole head into.

”It’s to make visiting the museum a truly interactive experience,” Mr F Acist, organiser, told LCD Views, “just in case anyone does visit and they don’t already have their head firmly wedged in the sand, a bucket of sick or their bum hole.”

Questions have been raised about the proposed entry fee.

”I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” Mr F Acist said, “£200 million for a weekly pass will be chicken feed once inflation post Brexit really kicks in.”

Other exhibits will be the billboard Nigel Farage stood in front of, the quaint one evocative of Nazi propaganda from WW2, that Mr Farage launched the day Jo Cox MP was butchered by a far right terrorist. And which didn’t wake the majority of the voting public up to how horrifying and degraded Brexit is.

A complete list of all the broken promises and lies of the Leave EU campaign.

A detailed examination of the micro targeting of susceptible voters to help rig the referendum result.

The risk to peace in Northern Ireland by the bull in a china shop attitude of the U.K. Brexit MPs and how Star Trek transporter technology is being used as inspiration to solve the border issue.

”Not all of those exhibits are finalised,” Mr F Acist advised, “some are too truthful. But I am pleased to say there will be recordings of Nigel singing Hitler youth songs available on cassette tape in the gift shop. This is so people properly understand what sits inside Brexit.”

Other questions have been asked, such as why the museum will be located on Panama.

”Tax havens are close to the Brexiter’s heart.”

Asked for comment on the Brexit Museum a Labour spokesperson said, “that will at least be one or two jobs created by Brexit, to balance out all the ones lost. This is the will of the people. What do you expect Jezza to do about it? Except stand alongside Boris, May, Davis, Farage, Hoey and the rest of the long list of proven liars?”

Boris Johnson is expected to donate the big red bus to the museum, as the prize exhibit, and to cut the ribbon on the day the museum opens, unless of course, he’s on the run or in jail.

And will there be instructions on how to get the best out of the bucket of sand experience?

”Yes. It’s very Brexit,” Mr F Acist replied, “people will be instructed to put their head in the bucket three times and pull it out twice.”

Brexiteers no longer means Brexiteers after the name is revealed to be French

The Vote Leave crowd were thrown into turmoil last night after it was revealed to them that their adopted term “Brexiteers” is not British in its origins.

This sect of the public have styled themselves thus in the hope of sounding like swashbuckling heroes The Three Musketeers, in complete ignorance of the fact that the book and characters are all French.

Literary historian Ivor Redditt told the assembled press:

“The facts are indisputable and easy to verify. The Three Musketeers was first written by a Frenchman, Alexandre Dumas, in French, in 1844 and serialised in a French newspaper, Le Siecle. It wasn’t until 1846 that the English translation first appeared.”

Passionate EU hater Ray Cyst had this to say when the bombshell hit:

“It’s just not right. We can’t be named after some Frogs! It’s just not on, we’ve got to have a proper British name!”

As indeed they do, as there are several choice words of basic, and equally British, Anglo-Saxon that are very accurate in describing him and his allies.

In any event, the entire crowd agreed with Mr Cyst’s statement, and then spent the next hour trying to come up with a new name. Nothing was forthcoming – not one of the hundreds of people gathered could think of anything.

However, help may be at hand, as Professor Will Nameham, an expert in nomenclature and etymology, has made the following suggestion for their new moniker:

“Perhaps in the future they could call themselves Brexitarian. The name is reminiscent of two other terms, both of which represent groups of people who, like themselves believe that they are doing what they are doing out of a strong sense of principles, the logic of which does not stand up to closer inspection.” I say Brexiteers, you say Brexitarians…

Brexitarians will presumably eat Brexit, or maybe they will just eat their words. Always assuming they have the stomach for it.

Government pledge to fix housing crisis by diversifying money laundering

Housing minister Dominic Rabbit is to fix the housing crisis by pledging government assistance to diversify the money laundering business.

”Money laundering is a cornerstone of the financial services offered by the United Kingdom,” Mr Rabbit is to tell journalists later today, while holding a shovel and a brown paper bag.

”For too many years now young people have been pushed off the ladder by our eagerness from the top down to assist wealthy people to legitimise kleptocratic wealth by investing in our capital’s booming housing market,” he will say, “well I pledge to you today that we are gonna my to find other ways to legitimise the ill gotten cash.”

It’s thought the flow of money into London from individuals who are unable to trust a stable rule of law in their home countries has been, “a rich seam we’ve mined the arse out of for decades, but now the political cost of this you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours is becoming apparent.”

So what’s to be done?

”Clearly your human centred Conservative government will seek to deflect the blame for the crisis onto immigrants,” Mr Rabbit will go on appallingly, “that’s just standard government policy now. But other measures need to be taken.”

It’s felt extending the bedroom tax to the rooms adult children are occupying in their parent’s privately owned homes will be part of the package.

”That will distract everyone very nicely with campaigns to stop it.”

But as to where the money will go that is being warehoused in empty flats?

”Into a state sponsored chain of actual laundromats that will run at a loss,” Mr Rabbit will beam, “oh and pizza parlours. Good old fashioned solutions for today’s problems.”

So this will make home ownership and renting more affordable?

”Only until the next election.” Mr Rabbit will wink, “we are a party of landlords after all. We need to look after our chums or who will fund us?”

Brexit cancelled after MPs learn their future pay will be from Brexit dividend

Saboteurs and traitors who believe democracy is a process and not an opinion poll were celebrating today with the announcement from government that Brexit has been…

“We wish to make it plain to the reducing number of complete and utter nostalgia deceived lunatics who still support Brexit, oh, and the racists, and the cynical disaster capitalists and the dreamy Lexiters, that we are sorry to say….” Chris Grayling, judged most easily sacrificed after a cabinet poll said, before trailing away.

There was a lengthy pause and Mr Grayling took a gulp of honest oxygen, choked, was revived, propped up and eventually carried on.

”We are sorry to say that the eight thirty five Southern service from Clapham Junction to,” paused again, shuffling of papers, “wrong script. Hang on. That’s my other job. Excuse my aide for their error.”

He stood up. Checked his fly. Called his political agent and asked them to check his latest parliamentary expenses had been processed before sitting down and carrying on with his statement.

”It’s all Jeremy Corbyn and Momentum’s fault. If they hadn’t three line whipped Labour MPs to enable Theresa May to push forward the hard right neocon, tax dodger’s project of Tory Brexit.

Well.

We’re kind of in this big con job together because Milne and Davis are mates. Jesus. Couldn’t we have gotten Patel up for this? Or Greening?”

He checked his fly and then found his courage.

”We’d have been out of government by now if we had an opposition that disagreed with us,” Grayling was clearly off script now, “yes, yes, we’re only here because David Cameron was gutless but I came into politics to enjoy the benefits of the chumocracy, not take real decisions.”

Just finish the statement sacrificial minister.

”Here goes…Brexit has been cancelled because we’ve realised that little understood constitutional law relating to gross incompetence and dereliction of duty means that MP’s future pay will be from the Brexit dividend. And we all know that’s a bloody lie. Can I go now? I’ve got train cancellations to announce?”

Home Office promises crime stats will be slashed by new user pays Robocop police service

Amber Rudd was back in offensive mode as she announced the Home Office’s new user pays police service will slash crime statistics.

”The major problem is not the dramatic cut to front line police officers,” Ms Rudd told a ragged collection of MSM journalists this morning, including our own disheveled crime correspondent, Gary, “the problem is the reporting of crime. This has caused statistics to surge in a way that my department views as almost criminal.”

But she isn’t going to take it anymore.

”We will shortly be releasing a new technological breakthrough in crime reporting prevention,” Ms Rudd beamed, proudly pulling a string to part a curtain behind her, “just look at the force behind me and know fear. Criminals should worry too.”

Gary reports an awe inspiring sight.

”The curtain failed to part fully, leading Ms Rudd to stand increasingly motionless for almost a minute,” he reports, “finally she turned and attempted to physically pull the curtains apart.”

But this also failed. She then gripped one side and tugged forcefully.

”The curtain dropped to the floor in a heap and in the shadows behind a pair of electric eyes ebbed and flowed.”

Next was the sound of numerous motors whirring in the joints of the crime fighting revolution and the machine stepped forward.

What is said should strike fear into the heart’s of statisticians everywhere.

”For just fifty pounds a sentence I will record your crime,” Robocop offered, “have you suffered in a way that brings cuts to policing into stark relief? For just fifty pounds a sentence I will record your crime.”

Amber Rudd beamed proudly.

”I expect with our new user pays crime recording prevention innovation, you will read rather different headlines going forward.”

Dodo replaces unicorn on United Kingdom’s coat of arms

The much loved and hankered after unity of the governing Conservative cabinet lay in shreds this morning after a controversial change was made to the United Kingdom’s coat of arms overnight.

“What’s with the f*cking Johnson?” Ms May is said to have hissed, as a fresh pile of official correspondence greeted her, as she sat down at her desk to evade the big questions of the day.

It’s believed a modification to the government’s coat of arms was in the offing, but, ”A turkey rampant had been chosen to replace the lion on the left of the shield. Not a poundstore Trump on a lion’s body,” an aide to the prime minister informed LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity.

Is this to symbolise the transition currently occurring in the United Kingdom?

”Yes. As we are right now turkeys having voted for Christmas, who are expected to become dodos post Brexit, these two British birds were felt to best symbolise what is afoot.”

So who is responsible for the premature and abrupt change?

”Boris Johnson appears to have broken into the Home Office last night, three sheets to the wind and made some alterations,” the aide replied.

So what is Ms May to do about it? Surely this is a sacking offence?

”I know your publication has a reputation for being less than serious at times about the big issues facing the country,” the aide said, “but that’s just ludicrous. Risk Ms May’s job over an issue of national importance? You don’t know much about modern British political leadership.”

So we’re all going to have to get used to the new coat of arms?

“Just pretend it’s not happening,” Mr Parkinson advised, “and you hold the current key to government.”

Boris Johnson’s application to join the Guild of British Village Idiots turned down

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson’s application to join the official village idiots’ club has been rejected. This shocking news comes after he was recently turned down as a candidate for Clown Club membership.

To discover the reasons behind the rejection, LCD’s Rural Curiosities correspondent donned a smock, and headed to Guild headquarters in a village in Somerset. We discovered a man sitting on a wall outside a pub, with a vacant expression on his face. He revealed himself to be the Numpty Dumpty of the Guild of British Village Idiots.

“Ooh, arr, thart be me,” he admitted, trying to get his cigarette to light by dunking it in his scrumpy. “What yer want me fer? Not ruddy Boris again, is it?”

Yes, we replied, he’s been accusing Jeremy Corbyn of saying all the stupid things that Boris himself actually said.

“Oh, fer Pete’s sake!” exclaimed the Numpty. “Boris is more of a court jester than a village idiot. I told ‘im thart meself. ‘E still ain’t joining, and thart’s final.”

But he’s a complete idiot! Why can’t he join? Surely it’s a no-brainer.

“We do ‘ave a good larff,” said the Numpty. “Get ratted and fall over, for people’s amusement. Anyone in their right minds would love to join us. But village idiots can’t be in their right minds, can they? So anyone applying is sane, and therefore disqualifies themselves.”

That’s quite a catch.

Just tell me one more thing. Why do you behave like an archetypal comedy yokel?

“Coz we merged with the Worshipful Company of West-Country Stereotypes,” he explained. “It wuz an April Fool joke wot went wrong. Coz we done it in August.”

He fell off his perch, landing clumsily in a flowerbed and launching his pint into the air. He somersaulted, stood on his head, and caught his flying glass between his feet – to massive applause.

Numpty Dumpty had a great fall.

English words starting with eu- to be re-potatrioted in 2019 to help make England different

The newly established ‘Ministry for Potatriotic Culture’ has informed an eager country that english words starting with eu- are to be re-potatrioted in 2019, to help make England different.

“We will be removing the e from the -eu prefix. It’s part of the Great Leap Forward into the unknown, “Secretary of State for Potatriotism, B Ediot MP, told LCD Views,

“modern english has become littered with aggressive imported words that are driving out the useage of indigineous inglish words. We will put a stop to that. It’s my ministry’s raison d’être, if you will. To raise the cost of Inglish words and make them valuable again.”

It’s believed the minister has identified the prefix -eu for action especially as it’s the gateway to dilution of traditional English words.

”If we can stamp out -eu when we stamp out EU in our lives, we can make a very different england going forward. One that Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland will also feel the benefits of, especially if we can encourage them to more readily use proper Einglish too.”

Like in the good old days?

”Yes. Back when we married our cultures together seamlessly by accepting only Ainglish was worth speaking. And english didn’t become the amazingly diverse and popular language it is by cross pollination with our languages. That’s not how it works.

Immigrants have given us nothing of value, that’s a key message in Brexit, which is supported in a very unifying way in parliament. It’s helping make us grate again the world over.

Although it’s important to understand that being envaded by Ingland was always solely beneficial.”

So words like uphemism, uthanasia, urope, ugenics will become the way forward?

”Yes,” B Ediot said, “making a different United Kingdom after making a success of Brexit is the way to make it a utopia.”

Momentum activists react calmly to news of new centre left political party

Momentum social media activists have reacted calmly to breaking news this morning of a new centre left political party.

”Do I look bothered?” F Uming told LCD Views class traitor correspondent, “we’re so left we’re so right about everything. As only we represent the people, except for anyone who doesn’t agree with us, you know scum, why would I be bothered?

People who disagree will be re-educated sooner or later. They don’t need a voice as it’s inconceivable they could have any legitimacy.”

F Uming had to stop for a moment to retweet “yellowtorytardenabler” five hundred times at someone sharing news of the new party with a positive spin on it.

So you don’t see a new centre left force in British politics as a threat?

”Only Blairite traitors would vote for them, so what’s to worry about? A rich man’s party only for the rich. Tory enabling scum.”

But some would suggest Jeremy Corbyn is enabling Theresa May’s neocon chums to push through Brexit, in spite of the unceasing evidence of the damage it is causing and will cause? You know, the long game? Is not serving our democracy.

And this is why they will not vote for Corbyn’s Labour, precisely because they believe Brexit will hurt the most vulnerable the most?

”Let’s get one thing straight. Brexit is a Tory project. Corbyn three line whipping his MPs to vote for article 50 before any preparation or real analysis of the impact was done is leadership. He dropped May right in it.”

He votes with the Tories every crunch point…

”Blairite.”

But.

”Blairite scum.”

I didn’t support the Iraq War. And I’ll save you some time, I didn’t support any of the damaging policies brought in from 2010 and believe the bankers should have been held to account for the financial crisis.

”Yellow Tory.”

You’re not addressing my concerns.

”Insulting you is how I win and means you’ll vote for us.”

No. Not when I see your leadership assisting the government in reducing the country and living standards and supporting what I believe is the tax dodger’s dream of Brexit.

Not to mention all the broken promises, lies, suspected voter manipulation wrapped up in Brexit. Also the risk to peace long term on the island of Ireland.

“Tory class traitor.”

And, given that we know half the country, and likely more if you consider polling of people who didn’t vote in the EUref of 2016, don’t want Brexit, shouldn’t the job of the official opposition be to give them a voice?

”You’re a libtard Tory shill,” F Uming won the debate, “I knew it from the moment I saw you. Blairite.”

How will Corbyn afford his social policies, which by and large most centrists and left of agree with, with Brexit?

”I’m still saying Blairite.”

That isn’t an answer.

”Of course it is. Labelling someone who questions the leader a ‘Blairite’ is the way I win every debate online. It’s how we’re going to triumph and create utopia, because who won’t vote for us? We’re so bloody sure we are right. You however, by disagreeing with me are making people homeless.”

You’re not winning me over.

“You don’t matter. Get that into your thick yellow Tory head. We are going to win. At least on Twitter once everyone who disagrees with us has blocked us and we can only talk to ourselves.”

F Uming, thank you for your time.

”Blairite.”