Dacrefinger

“Well, what do you think?”

I looked into the LCD Views editors’ eyes, trying to read their thoughts, Slowly a smile spread across their faces.

“Damn it Standing, I like it! I like the cut of your jib, but you are going to need my joke Swiss army watch. Here, I haven’t used it in years, I hope it still works.”

“What’s this big red button?” I asked as I pressed it….water sprayed from the watch into the editors’ eyes.

“You best leave now Standing, to catch your flight.”

Upon landing in the Virgin Is (USA) I hunted around for a fixer.

I explained I needed a small fast boat to take me to Thomas Island under cover of darkness.

“You can’t be serious? No one has ever returned from that island alive. It would be a one way trip!”

“Ok, I’ll take a single ticket, that should be half price, correct?”

That night with no moon, we set out for Thomas Island. The boatman was nervous:

“You know who lives there don’t you?”

“Yes,” I said. “That is why my country is depending on me, I need to get in to see and photograph the A4 sheet of the Brexit plans, they will be in the safe or on a notice board in the news room.”

The boatman drops me 25m from the shore. Just the right distance with my RLSS competent swim badge.

It’s so dark I can’t see a bloody thing, so I roll into a ditch just up from beach and wait until daylight.

I’ve overslept, the sun is up and shining brightly. I gingerly look over the top edge of the ditch and I see this stunning woman rising out of the sea wearing conch shells in all the wrong places!

I hear the engine note of a speed boat, she runs and dives into the ditch beside me. I rearrange her conch shells so they are all in the right places.

“Do you speak Engleeesh?” I ask

“Yes, I’m from Deptford, what are you doing here Standing, this is my mission. Whoever gets that A4 sheet of the Brexit plan will make it big time in the main stream news media.”

We start to discuss terms, I suggest……no deal is better than a bad deal.

“Don’t be such a fool,” she says.

“Who opens a negotiation with that premise?”

Before I could answer, I feel a bang to my head and I collapse unconscious.

I awake in a room lying strapped to a table with a strange looking pointy thing hanging from the ceiling. To my left in pride of place is a life size statue of Theresa May all covered in gold with a silver anchor chain hung around the neck.

In walks the evil genius and the owner of the island.

“Aaah Mr Standing, we meet at last”
“Dacre you won’t get away with it.

The British people will see through your evil Brexit cult and you will be finished for ever,” I squeaked.

Dacre smiles an evil smile and throws a big lever by the wall. The big pointy thing in the ceiling starts to hum, suddenly a beam of red laser light starts to cut the table, slowly travelling towards my conch shell.

A CNC cutting machine! Oh, that is cunning.

“Dacre, do you expect me to talk?”

“No, Mr Standing, I expect you to die,” smarmed the evil Brexit genius as he leaves me alone in the room.

Suddenly I remember the joke watch the LCD Views editor loaned me.

I pressed all the buttons and then in desperation I pressed the big red button.

The water sprayed on to the laser light and the CNC machine instantly stopped due to electricity and water not being the best of friends.

Hours later, I manage to free myself and search for an escape route.

Upon running past a noticeboard I see the A4 Brexit plans with scribbled words in the margin (Mad Max, deep and meaningful, seamless border) written by David Davis.

I take a photograph and run onwards.

Time to text the secret rescue code to the orange satsuma visiting the Pentagon: ‘Virgin Islands ban guns’.
I knew I wouldn’t have to wait long. Within half an hour ten helicopters emblazoned with the NRA logo and brandishing every possible rifle, machine gun and rocket grenade launcher used for hunting squirrel, descended upon the island.

I held up a conch shell…..to show I was friendly.

Theresa May announces exclusive trade deal with Uranus

The first Big Brexit Benefit has been revealed. Our Glorious Leader, Theresa May, has announced that a potentially lucrative trade deal has been struck with Uranus.

Although details are naturally sketchy, this is a triumph for May and the Trade Secretary, Liam Fox. We will no doubt, in time, become better acquainted with the products of Uranus.

“Global Britain means Global Britain!” gushed Brexit advocate R. Slicker. “It’s one in the eye for the EU. This is out of this world!”

Slicker could not put flesh on the bones of the deal. “Early days, early days,” he chided. “I am not privy to the whole agreement. I assume that Uranus produces, well, Uranium I suppose. The nuclear summer is round the corner.”

Liam Fox was in celebratory mood. “This is, I believe, the first such interplanetary deal in the world!” he announced at a hastily-called press briefing. “It has the added benefit of enabling me to fly to Uranus to finesse the deals. I am thinking of re-naming air miles air parsecs!”

Fox did not reveal the cost of his space hops, but assured the faithful hacks that Britain would benefit in the long term. “I am also on the brink of securing trade rights with Pluto,” he revealed, before berating the International Astronomical Union for downgrading Pluto’s status to a ‘dwarf planet’. “It means that I can no longer fly business class to Pluto. Britain deserves better!”

EU representative Claude Feete was on hand to admit defeat. “I’ll tell Liam Fox where to stick it!” he exclaimed. “He can stick it up Uranus!”

Something lost in translation there, we suspect.

We tried to contact representatives from Uranus for comment. Unfortunately, neither the Pigs Of Uranus nor the Pink Fairies managed to make any kind of coherent sound.

This certainly isn’t a bad deal. It will be a roaring success, because as we all know, no deal is better than a bad deal.

Man with his head stuck up his backside insists everyone get behind him and push

A man with his own head stuck up his backside insists everyone get behind him and push, at least that’s what we think he said.

“It was a little hard to understand what he was saying,” LCD Views’ rectal-cranial analyst advised, “his statement was muffled. But the gist of it was about making the best of the situation.”

Inquiries into how the man came to find himself in such an unusual position were answered readily by his close family.

“One day, while sitting on a Southern train that was paused for three weeks outside of Clapham Junction station, he picked up a discarded Daily Mail to pass the time,” his wife shrugged, “he read it front to back, somehow, and he was never the same again.”

It’s believed that pivotal moment led to an increasing dislike of the European Union with a vicious fury about freedom for bananas.

“I voted remain in the last vote the United Kingdom will ever take,” his wife continued, “I read and saw all the claims of the Leave chancers and anything I didn’t have the immediate knowledge to reject out of hand as bollocks, I simply googled up and found was bollocks.”

The man himself was not so lucky.

“It’s been very strange to watch and quite sad,” the man’s wife continued, “I remember before the referendum he just wanted sovereignty back, you know, to trade with the world.

That seemed a little odd, given all the non-EU goods he buys, but anyway, the sovereignty one is particularly bizarre. I don’t know how he thinks FTA’s are regulated? I’m starting to think I married an idiot.”

But now that the man has his country back things are getting serious.

“When the crown of his head disappeared up his bum I was just impressed he was still so flexible. But now I can’t understand a damn thing he says, unless he farts at the same time and things, well, open up in a gust. You can catch a few words then.”

It seems the big problem now is getting his shoulders in behind his head.

“I really don’t know how he expects anyone to get behind him and push, I mean, it’s just so icky now.

Between you and me, I’m planning on moving out and not coming back unless he manages to get his head out of his backside.

But I’m a little worried only a surgical intervention will succeed and I can’t see him signing up for that now he’s committed to this. He’s pretty stubborn. He may even be slowly suffocating.”

We asked her to let us know how they get on.

“Oh don’t worry, you can find out, he spends all day on Open Britain, pro EU Libdem and Labour pages and Britain For All ranting about remoaners needing to get behind him and push. You’ll know how he’s getting on.”

Brexiter begins selling ‘Do-it-yourself lobotomy’ kits for use in the home

Great news for people who like traditional neurological surgery today with the announcement that Cat Hokey MP (UKIP) is to begin selling “Do-it-yourself lobotomy” kits for use in the home.

LCD Views’ Conscience correspondent went along to one of the rare surgeries held by Cat in her Allfall constituency office to learn more.

INT.          HOKEY’S SURGERY           NIGHT, ALWAYS NIGHT

A middle aged woman in a ragged coat hunches in the middle of a black tiled floor.

Burning torches flutter in the corners, driven hither and thither by an unseen wind, but the light rarely penetrates the darkness.

The woman, known as CAT (SCAT?) to mortals, holds a lit candle and is drawing a magic circle in the centre of the floor.

Another woman enters, young, go-getting reporter ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT.

ROSIE holds a silver cross in front of herself as she walks.

From the lump under her tight fitting, black leather jacket, it would be easy to believe she has a pistol on her hip. It would be easy to believe this show is on ITV.

CAT ignores ROSIE.

She waves the candle back and forth. She mutters in an ancient, unintelligible language, incanting as she draws her circle.

Rosie Searchlight

“Ms Hokey? Labour, I mean UKIP, representative for Allfall?”

CAT glances rapidly over her shoulder.

Cat

“Are you the gate keeper? Nigel has summoned the gate keeper. Are you the gate keeper? Answer me.”

Rosie Searchlight

What gate needs keeping?

Cat

“Nigel, my master, he is the key master. He must have the gate or he can not de-stablise the peace.”

Rosie Searchlight

“I’m here to learn about your do-it-yourself lobotomy kits? We’re featuring them in the afternoon edition of LCD Views? Home Medicine. It’s a new weekly feature.”

CAT begins to levitate above the tiles. She flies at ROSIE, but recoils from the cross.

Cat

“Hiss! Hiss! Take a lobotomy pack and get out! Go home child of man and carve out your temples.”

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT advances towards CAT. She holds the cross in front of her. Her other hand on the lump on her hip.

Rosie Searchlight

“Not until you tell me the recommended retail price for the lobotomy kits.”

ROSIE crosses through the circle on the floor.

She continues towards CAT who is desperately trying not to singe her hair on a torch in the corner.

Cat

“Back away! I’ve just had my hair done to go boating with the dark lord Furherage!”

ROSIE is undaunted. She steps in closer.

She doesn’t see that behind her, out of the circle she has just left, a dark shadow is gathering with a pint in its hand and a cigarette in its mouth. The shadow has wings and they are spreading.

END SCENE

 

Study finds the only thing Brexiters are liberal with is the truth

LCD Views can report that a long running study into the correlation between Brexit and liberal attitudes has concluded the only thing Brexiters are liberal with is the truth.

“We’ve copped a lot of flack for using sparse public resources on this study,” Professor Dingleberry, lead researcher said, “but until we completed our study it was just a hypothesis. Now it’s a theory, in the scientific meaning of the word.”

The study, which began in early 2016 (about the time David Cameron started daydreaming while watching repeats of “Minder”, imagining what kind of shed he would like to spend his time in) concluded today after the third ‘Road to Ruin’ speech by a minister from May’s government.

(It should be noted that the writing of this report paused for over ten minutes to allow the reporter to stop laughing at the phrase ‘May’s government’)

“David Davis provided the final spec of evidence required to finish our study,” Professor Dingleberry continued, “when he said that Brexit won’t change the nature of the United Kingdom, boy, there wasn’t a dry seat in our laboratory. Everyone just pissed themselves laughing.”

It seems, although searching exhaustively, the researchers were not able to identify a single moment when a Brexit proponent, MP or voter, actually told something truthful.

“They are very liberal in a sense,” the professor goes on,

“but only in the sense that they lie their asses off constantly.

Their plans for post Brexit Britain, best as we can understand them right now in the split second after the pin has been pulled from the grenade, best equate to drowning in a torrent of lies so thick and sludgy only the infirm or insane will stay on this island nation.”

The professor did offer some hope though for people wanting the hard right coup of our democracy to fall on its arse sometime this year.

“They aren’t even correct in saying the United Kingdom is leaving the European Union,” he adds, “it’s highly probable that over the coming months, as more and more people understand the road to Brexit is a road to ruin, public opinion will force a rethink.”

LCD Views encourages people to take up the results of the study. Recognise that allowing parliament to tear up so many rights won by citizens over so many years of struggle, is the least liberal path open to the United Kingdom possible.

Visionary explains post Brexit Britain won’t be entirely a cannibalism based diet

A man who hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing is to explain today that post Brexit Britain won’t be entirely a cannibalism based diet.

“It will be better to think of it as an aggressive hunter and gathering type society,” David Davis, Secretary of State for Exiting the EU, will reassure, “a traditional British lifestyle. Approximately 10,000 BC.”

This has raised the hopes of ancient animal fanciers that Brexit Britain will also mean a return of the mammoth?

“It’s possible,” Davis will assert, “why not? As I understand it Theresa May is in the process of setting up a year long review into bringing back the mammoth, in order to provide variety in the meat based diet post Brexit.”

It’s understand the motivation is not only to give people something to hunt, other than people, but,

“Hunting a large and dangerous woolly animal will show Britons working together in a way we haven’t done since we joined the EU in 1933. I understand PETA has got their knickers in a twist over plans to wear fur again, but there’s always extremists.”

It would also be a boon to tourism operators who are understood to be made nervous with the expected extinction of any air based travel methods to and from the UK in spring 2019.

Although there will still be food drops, so long as the transition agreement can agree on the wording with Barnier.

“This is just sensible planning on behalf of Her Majesty’s Government,” Davis will waffle on, “Although it’s important everyone able bodied does their bit. I advise you to not burn wood now.

You should save it for after Brexit. Sharpened stakes and cooking fires will light up the landscape. And scavenge whatever scrap steel you can now.

You never how prised it maybe once roaming hordes of hoodies are ravaging the landscape in search of an easy meal on a mobility scooter.”

Jacob everyman’s guide to living within your means on cheap food, cheap clothing and cheap underwear

We have all heard Jacob and his daily chant in TV interviews of cheap food, clothing and footwear for Britain post brexit. So we decided to send I P Standing over to meet Jacob at his favourite Westminster tea room for more detail.

He managed to grab 10mins with the Moggster over an earl grey, before Jacob had to get all powdered up for his next exclusive and filed the following report.

“Jacob”, I asked, “where do you buy your food? ”

“I get a hamper from Harrods delivered once a week. Great big basket filled with items bearing the Queens crest. If it’s good enough for her majesty it’s good enough for me. Any family who manages their budget can easily do the same.”

A frown did crease his brow momentarily.

“Although I have noticed a marked increase in price recently. I called El Fayad to ask why. He told me that he had to import the baskets from India and since the referendum and the fall in the pound, the cost has rocketed. He assured me the contents were legit and he hadn’t been fiddling with the labels.

I save all the labels for reuse when marking my staff, before I let them in the field for exercise.”

I next asked Jacob had he ever heard of Asda, Aldi or better still, Lidl?

” No,” he replied, “although my wife has shopped once in Waitrose. Like being in a cattle market she said to me… never again! ”

I said, “Asda, Aldi and Lidl offer some of the cheapest food in Europe!”

“They sound foreign, I don’t do foreign,” replied Jacob, “well, unless it’s an emerging market with a sensible approach to rule of law.”

Fair enuff.

“Clothing what about clothing? ”

“I get my suits from Saville row. I have one for every day of the week and I have my name tag sewn into the collar, JRM.

It reminds me of school and the fun we used to have in the dormitories. When the other boys would hide my silk satin jim jams.”

“Jim jams?” I asked.

“Pyjamas, the boys, Cameron and Johnson used hide them behind the gin and tonic vending machine. But I’d always find them because they had my name tag sewn in them. Well, my man would find them. But that’s the same thing.”

“Shirts what about shirts?” I asked.

“Shirts from my tailor, usually with a thin pin stripe….. although at weekends at home I wear one of those photocopier salesman ones. You know, blue with a thin white pin stripe and a white collar and white cuffs. It makes me feel………. dangerous.”

And ties?

“I like to wear a military style, something with a pretend insignia or coloured regimental stripe. I like to keep in tight with the military, you never know when I might need them post brexit. Always be prepared, that’s my family motto, always be prepared to order low born chaps to lay down their lives.”

“Jacob, have you ever heard of Matalan, H&M or better still Primark?” I asked, “You can buy trousers in there for a tenner and a couple of shirts for less than that. They have some of the cheapest clothes in Europe.”

“Matalan, H&M and Primark sounds like a group of invading vikings,” said Jacob. He looked a bit flushed.

“Well what about footwear, where do you buy your shoes?”

“I have a cobbler in Cheltenham he makes superb handmade brogues. Although he recently said he would have to increase his price as the leather is imported from Spain, and due to the weak pound he couldn’t hold his prices down. He also asked if I would settle my previous invoice? All in good time my man, all in good time.”

“Is there a good time to buy shoes?” I asked, thinking shoes maybe an emerging market.

“I always go when the Cheltenham national hunt festival is on. I like to be surrounded by all those Irish priests betting the sum of their annual church collections on the horses.

I like to be around like minded Catholics. Over the winnings we sup a Guinness and revel about anti abortion, anti gay and anti contraception. I feel so at home with them in that week in March.”

“Have you ever heard of Clarkes?

“No, what’s a clark?” replied Jacob.

“They are in Street, Somerset I think they are in your parliamentary constituency, they make shoes.”

“Shoes you say?”

“Yes shoes at very reasonable prices, all styles, you can even get brogues with a rubber sole.”

“I’m not wearing rubber soled shoes, dear boy, who do you think I am, Ian Duncan Smith? Creeping around the corridors of Westminster?

I only wear leather soles so people can hear me coming as I stride over the stone floors of Westminster.”

“Well thank you Jacob for sparing the time,” I said, touching the forelock and seeing in the buff shine of his shoes the future of Brexit Britain.

“I understand now why you would think Britain needs cheaper food, clothing and footwear. But what about your underwear?”

Jacob blushed. It seems a gentleman likes to keep some secrets under his hat.

Football team beats football team at football

In the big FA Cup match last night, the Magic Of The Cup™ was reignited as a football team beat another football team.

The football team that won famously played the football team that lost in an FA Cup Final some years back, and they won then, too. This match was billed as a rematch despite none of the same players playing.

LCD’s Ball Games correspondent spoke to the winning team’s manager. “I’m over the moon!” gushed Paul Manager. “The lads gave 110% for 110% of the match. You can’t ask for more than that. We can 110% beat anyone on our day. It’s eleven against eleven at the end of the day.”

Goal scorer Will Score gave his opinion. “The ball came to me, and I just kicked it,” he said. “Luckily, I made perfect contact, and the ball nestled in the net. It’s the best feeling in the world. That’s what it’s all about!”

In the Botch of the Day studio, the pundits were wetting themselves. “It’s the game of the weekend, definitely,” said Larry Gineker. “A proper old-fashioned David and Goliath story, isn’t it?”

“Why aye was so exci’ed when that canny goooal wen’ in,” claimed Alan Geordie. “I was runnin’ round the studio, with one arm half-cocked like, when Will Score scored!”

“Is the Magic Of The Cup™ back?” asked Gineker. “Here, Alan, have a packet of Smoky Bacon and calm down.”

“Yes, the Magic Of The Cup™ is 110% back, and it means that at least one football team from somewhere in the north goooes into the hat for the next round,” replied Geordie. “Ready Salted for me, please, Larry.”

The latest news is that the winning football team will play another winning football team in a few weeks’ time. Analysts believe that the football team has a 50-50 chance of winning, and the likelihood of a draw is 10%.

It’s all very exciting. Football means football.

David Davis reassures Brexit won’t be a Mad Max style dystopia, it’ll be like The Shining and the twins will be Theresa Mays

David Davis MP will reassure a collection of European business leaders and politicians in Vienna later today that Brexit won’t be a Mad Max style dystopia, it’ll be like The Shining and the twins will be Theresa Mays.

“He’s going to soothe the nervous flock,” One half of David Davis’ brain told LCD Views, while the other half wandered aimlessly, looking for a drink.

“Look, all these fears that we’re going to slash and burn rights and regulations in the service of greed, leading to a dystopia lifted from Mad Max are just plain wrong.

Firstly because we genuinely haven’t planned much other than just “action operation wrecking ball”.

But for those people who are nervous I want to reassure them by asking a question.”

Go on.

“Have you read ‘The Shining’ by Stephen King? Because it’s going to be much more like that after Brexit. Very personal. Not this crazed tearing about the desert business. We won’t be able to afford the fuel for that anyway.”

Whether or this will relax the mood in Vienna and bring the Austrians on side, we will have to wait and see.

Presumably the vision of David Davis as Jack Torrance, trapped in a high mountain resort closed for winter, slowly going insane as he just can’t get the final Brexit impact assessment written, while his family watches with increasing anxiety, and then terror, before attempting escape, will at least prove that Davis and other Brexiters have a clear vision of the future.

“And don’t let anyone tell you I’m not prepared for questions today. If anyone asks me who Theresa May is in my dream of the UK’s future, I will answer honestly.”

The twins are Theresa Mays, unable to escape the nightmare and now committed merely to terrifying everyone else.

Facepamphlet CEO terrified by prophecy that in the end it’ll only be him and his parents left on Facepamphlet

Facepamphlet CEO M. Zuckerberg is reportedly terrified by an ancient prophecy that in the end it’ll only be him and his parents left on  Facepamphlet.

The co-founder of arguably the grandparent of social media platforms is said to have heard the prophecy while asking the temporary inmates in the drunk tank of his local police station what they would like in the next algorithm change.

LCD Views’ social media analyst spoke to an aide to the zeitgeist shepherd to learn more.

“It was all going as it usually does,” Ms P Age told LCD, “Mark dropped by the local police station with his dictaphone to record the ramblings of the drunks locked up so he could have a bunch of teenagers hidden in his bunker in California code it up into an algorithm.”

But it appears, due to overcrowding, there was a mysterious, shawled woman rocking in a corner of the drunk tank.

“He approached her as he thought she was scared, but when he got close he realised she was chanting.”

It’s believed the chants were in an ancient Aztec language of prophecy that the woman had learned off a Facepamphlet group dedicated to soothsaying.

“She snapped her head back, her eyes rolling into the backing of her head, extended a bony finger and that’s when she spoke the words that chilled him to his core.”

It’s believed he was so spooked by the prophecy that it would one day only be him and his parents left that he fled without getting the notes for the next algorithm.

“It’s a shame, but he’s plenty of suggestions from other sessions.”

The top ranking suggestions for how to change the algorithm again are listed below,

1. Use the algorithm supermarkets use to rearrange shelves so you spend longer looking for cheese and slowly go insane while not actually spending more out of frustration.

2. Hide all your best friends’ posts and then start a rumour they are talking about you.

3. Bring back the much loved and perfect chronological newsfeed, but only for a day, just to break everyone’s mind.

Three is expected to lead to a sudden uptake amongst younger users, who have little use for a social media platform that gives them the latest news about their friends days late, in a dump, that just rubs in how much they missed.

4. Only show one post of someone you like each day and fill the rest with adverts for tinned foods.

5. Block all friends and decide who users will be friends with next.

“All those changes will still go ahead, because if you’re not fixing something that isn’t broken you’re not improving it,” the aide added, “and if you do break something that was fine you are never, never to reverse course, because that shows weakness.”

The prophecy is expected to be fulfilled by the end of 2018, after the autumn algorithm change to just show the most popular post from a friend that you never interact with, from the first year you joined, over and over until you finally give in and comment on it.

Twitter are said to be delighted, as the ditching of the chronological newsfeed has meant people are turning to it for up to date news now, mixed with instagram photos of what their friends ate that day.