Mordor takes direct control of government cabinet appointments starting with Mordaunt

The Kingdom of Mordor has issued a press release this afternoon stating they are now assuming direct control of all cabinet appointments, starting with Penny Mordaunt as the new International Development Secretary.

“Priti’s departure is a great opportunity for us to pluck a startled rabbit out from under the ministerial choosing hat and promote her to May’s cabinet,” The Eye explained.

“It’s nothing personal. It’s just we are determined to get the best Brexit deal possible so we have to have committed ideologues in the cabinet. Anyone who looks at facts is a danger!

I’m sure she’ll fit right in, having said some rather frisky things about Turkey during the EURef campaign last year. Oh and the big splash she made in a television special about pool safety is bound to stand her in good stead.”

It seems the kingdom is further hopeful that Penny will be able to help with its financial troubles.

“Ever since we lost our gold reserves in a fiery mountain thanks to those pesky kids things have been a little strained hereabouts.”

Mordor is hopeful Penny will help them with infrastructure development directly at home.

“It’s arguable that other countries seeking British taxpayer money don’t need it like we do. We are actually hopeful Patel has left a few scribbled notes lying about her old office that explain why she was trying to divert aid money to the Middle East. All will come out in due course anyway, if there’s more to it, I suppose.”

The Eye added it had booked Penny an open ticket, first class, on a giant bird of prey and expect her to use it just as soon as she can get some time out of her busy schedule.

“Based on the actions of her predecessor in the post it will have to be a working holiday.”

IDS to be turned into giant cheese wheel for easier rolling out in times of crisis

LCD Views has received an exclusive today that noted British man and global explorer Iain Duncan Smith is to be turned into a giant cheese wheel to make it easier to wheel him out in times of crisis.

“It won’t be a difficult procedure,” Dr Sandy Hamm reassured, “Iain is already kept in a temperature controlled room and fed on a reassuring diet of post-its that say universal credit is making everyone richer. We’ll just have to scrape a bit of mold off one of the walls and put it on his head and wait.”

After that Iain will be duplicated in a clone laboratory already used to make new Brexiters, wrapped up in wax and kept close to the BBC’s Broadcasting House.

“We will probably need to buy a fleet of cold storage units to keep all the IDS cheese wheels in so there’s always one near to the Today programme the next time a government minister gets caught out doing something that should get them immediately sacked but never seems to.”

The Iain wheels will also be considered for entry into any famous cheese rolling festivals going on, so long as there’s not a post Brexit famine at the time.

“That’s a bit trickier. If there’s a Brexit famine going and someone takes a bite out of him it could lead to a condition akin to an intestinal virus.”

That condition is already well known as Irritable Duncan Syndrome.

It develops rapidly and the symptoms aren’t any fun, but it usually passes within 24 hours once Iain is put back in storage.

Patel rushes to new job as UK’s top popcorn promoter

Great news for the UK’s top popcorn promoter this morning as former Secretary of State for international Development, Priti Patel, is rumoured to have accepted a role pushing popcorn into the hands of everyone with a smart phone.

“We’re really buzzing here,” head of sales B. Burning Maize told LCD Views.

We met B.B. in a tacky little basement cinema in Soho and spoke as the endless pre-movie adverts played out on the big screen.

“See that rip in the screen too right corner?” B.B. asked.

We did.

“That wasn’t there yesterday. I sold my first bag of popcorn here when I was still in high school, during the cash for questions scandal.”

Nowadays Burning Maize is the top U.K. wide seller of popcorn.

“Stories like Ms Patel on “unofficial” business meeting with a foreign power attempting to arrange to divert British taxpayer money to their military? Holy cow! Grab your popcorn.”

B.B. was a little worried initially that the mainstream media’s willingness to just parrot official government statements may dampen sales, but now that he’s convinced Ms Patel to work in marketing at Burning Maize, his fears are allayed.

“She’s not going to be out front promoting the brand for long. I see her mostly in the strategic planning department designing shock marketing events around a steady drip of revelations relating to why she had to resign. There’s millions of bursting kernels of corn in this.”

Grab your popcorn then?

“That’s the way! This movie is going to have sequels in production even before we’ve finished watching the first installment.”

And with that we settled down to watch the screening of “The Great Escape”.

“This is a classic! Although it doesn’t end well for all the cast.”

We know B.B. By the time we get to the end we’ll realise we’ve seen it all before.

Woman who doesn’t know what to do admits her government is a shit charade

A woman who is supposed to be providing strong and certain government has admitted tonight she doesn’t know what to do and it’s all a shit charade.

“Have you seen the scale of this shambles?” She asked LCD Views’ Amazed correspondent.

“I mean, I expected surprises some days when I took up the heavy responsibility to prove a borderline insane government, but even I’m confused now by what we’ve managed in just a few months.”

LCD Views would like to say at this point we personally believe it’s an achievement.

“Most of today has been spent phoning about to find anyone who knew the answer to the binary question of should I fire that troublesome minister or should I beg her to resign? It was a real doozy!”

The conflict seem to rest on the risk of secrets being spilled if the issue was mishandled.

“I mean, only a very credulous person, like a Brexit supporter, would believe I had no idea what she was doing.

All those meetings with government officials from a prominent foreign government in global affairs, a country situated in one of the world’s ‘hot zones’ and I had no idea? Wow. Just wow. I shock myself.”

We did point out we don’t believe it for a moment and wonder why British money was on the table in the discussions?

“I can’t tell you. I’m like the robot in that film ‘Short Circuit’, I’m alive, but instead of being programmed with competence I’ve had a couple of logs and a flaming turd placed in my CPU.”

We had to get back to watching Twitter for the next surprise from her cabinet of legends, so we asked how she would sum up her government quickly?

“Shit charade. Just that. Although I don’t normally go for three word slogans, so, maybe complete shit charade would be more in keeping with my style? Anyway, I’ve got to go too, I’ve dinner with my employer to celebrate his 25 years at the top.”

Brexit going swimmingly, says child wearing water wings in the shallow end

The child, whose name was Dave, or Davey, or something like that, insisted on making political comments in between instructions.  

“Brexit is going really well,” said Davey. “We will soon have all the poor boys out of the pool. That’s what it’s all about innit. Do you like my St George swimming trunks?”

His mother, Terry, encouraged her son as he puffed and splashed.

Little Dave Davey’s face kept going under the water, but he would bob up, grinning as if nothing untoward had happened.

“He’s only little,” she said indulgently. “Even in the shallow end he’s out of his depth! But he won’t be beaten.”

Another boy, known apparently as “Boz”, was splashing about heedlessly nearby. Blond and reckless, and even less competent than little Davey, he was nonetheless ducking the other boys’ heads in the water for a laugh.

“He can’t swim, and doesn’t even try,” said his exasperated mother. “Yet he always comes up dry and smiling, if tousled.”

She gave her wayward son the thumbs-up as he pulled little Micky Grovel’s trunks down again. “Little scamp!” she said, proudly.

The instructor, Mike Barnaby, was disappointed with his charges.

“Not one of them has made progress this term,” he moaned. “And the parents are no better, they think they can get away with anything. If this doesn’t stop pretty soon, they will all be banned from the pool.”

At this point, Micky Grovel (his trunks restored to their rightful position) shouted “I think we’ve all had enough of teachers!”

He received a loud cheer from the other boys before Boz waded in to push him under again (more cheers).

Just then Barnaby’s boss, Johnny Junkyard, arrived to take Terry out on another embarrassing date.

The boys all clambered out of the pool reluctantly, all except Boz who remained behind to piss in the water.

Government’s credibility announces it has finally broken at Patelgate

Credibility, a key member of any serving prime minister’s cabinet, has announced it has finally broken at a new location derivatively named “Patelgate”.

“I’m done. Look at my achilles heel? I’d call it my priti-heel now if I hadn’t already decided to name a bunch of different rooms used for unofficial meetings between Priti Patel and various Israeli government members Patelgate!”

Credibility went on to explain that Theresa May appears not to have learned from the experiences of her predecessors.

“You take Tony T-Bone Blair and David “The Wonder” Cameron, they knew when to get out of dodge. It’s before the proverbial hits the fan. Theresa? Goodness, she is holding onto my tail tighter than if I was a tiger!”

Unfortunately for the current prime minister Credibility’s tail is much like a small lizards.

“I’ve let the tail go my friends. Let it snap off so I can get away to live another day. It will grow back soon enough. But if I keep hanging about with Theresa while she politically dies her death of a thousand cuts, I risk having my very definition changed in common useage! I am not having that. I’ve made it too far to let a Brexit droid change me in the QED.”

Without Credibility by her side it’s uncertain how much longer Theresa May can cling onto that billion pound bung bought majority that allows her to stay at 10 Downing Street like the last guest at a wake for British democracy.

“If she’s smart she’ll get out now,” Credibility advises.

“Get out and get on the after dinner talk show junket circuit. IF the suggestion in the Jewish Chronicle article that she knew what Priti was up to is true, she won’t even be able to get a job propping up a bar as the pub bore.”

We’re pretty sure ATOS will still pass her fit for work as a barfly though. Repeatedly telling a disingenuous story of victimisation? She’ll be perfect at it.

“Would you trust Boris Johnson with foreign policy if you worked with him?” – Priti on the defence

Priti Patel MP is expected to get back on the front foot today and defend her actions in August by attacking Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson.

“Seriously, what is with you people?” she is expected to begin, “you’ve all seen who is foreign secretary. A bumbling, lazy clown who doesn’t read his briefs but takes them off quickly enough. Would you trust him with Middle East foreign policy if you worked with him?”

LCD Views turned to our foreign policy analyst, Prof D Wit, for his analysis on Ms Patel’s argument.

“She’s got a point. When you take into consideration Mr Johnson’s history of offending foreign governments. The ghastly hash he’s made out of the Nazarin situation.

The sheer scale and complexity of problems the U.K. faces at home currently, leading to more difficult relations abroad, yes, I’d be running my own foreign policy agenda if I were in the cabinet, or even just a government drawer.”

Ms May is feeling mounting pressure to sack Ms Patel and replace her with a responsible, proven, trustworthy, infallible middle aged man as soon as possible.

“I expect Ms May will have to act today. Ms Patel is on a surprisingly official visit to Africa at the moment, but I hope she flies at least business class, as she will most likely to be about facing and flying home within hours.”

Prof Wit adds,

“I expect Ms Patel to be promoted to the office of foreign secretary by this evening as after her actions in August she is now better qualified than Boris Johnson for the position.”

Theresa May in hiding from her cabinet and possibly even her wardrobe

LCD Views has received a sketched drawing this evening that appears to show Theresa May hiding from her drinks cabinet and possibly even a Georgian wardrobe.

The furnishings are said to be causing an irrational anxiety in the woman who wonders how long she’ll be British prime minister (every minute) due to the trouble she’s currently having with her cabinet in government.

An aide to the handler of Larry the cat phoned in what he’s been observing while charging the kitty litter in the basement laundry room of what he believes to be 10 Downing Street.

“It’s actually getting worse. Initially it was just that Edwardian trunk chest type thing she made foreign secretary that made her twitch.

Now it’s also the piano chair covered in green fabric, the rocking chair which tried to divert foreign aid money to foreign militaries and worse of all is the built in wardrobe with all the calculators.”

Exacerbating her anxieties is the thought that at any moment her shoerack, her coat hangers and maybe even her bidet may suddenly turn out to be shoddy, unscrupulous and off meeting foreign heads of state when she presumed them where she placed them when she moved in and began airing out all the musty smells her predecessor imbued the atmosphere of the famous home with.

“I expect she will make a move against IKEA shortly. That’s where she seems to believe the greatest looming risk waits now.”

She is rumoured to sneak to her laptop in the evenings, open it and navigate to the famous flat pack furniture retailer’s website and stare at the cabinets for sale and tremble.

“Out, out spot. Go away. Shoo. That’s what we hear being muttered in the dark of night. I did suggest she just sack the people causing her so much pain and confusion, but I did it while standing in front of an ironing board and she fled in terror to the toilet.”

David Davis allegedly injured in freak shoelace tying incident

Unverified reports out of Westminster this afternoon suggest that fearless Secretary of State David Davis has been injured in a freak shoelace tying incident.

LCD Views sent our ‘loads of cobblers’ correspondent down to the House of Commons to learn more.

“I am stood here with the bustling press pack hoping someone will be able to get me inside the Houses of Commons, or, failing that take pity on me and let me copy their notes.”

So he’s not up to much, so we phoned one of our sources instead.

“He was attempting to tie his shoelaces I believe,” Ms U Seless, who claims to be a junior minister in DExEU told us, “as he’s been taking lessons for a while now. He really felt he was up to it. But I guess not.”

Ms Seless went on to describe how from what she had gathered from unsubstantiated rumours, Mr Davis believed he had managed the task, but was unaware he had tied the laces of both shoes to one another.

“When he tried to walk he just toppled over and lay on the carpet looking mortified and asking if anyone knew how he could get out of the shoes.”

Apparently he was clutching all the Brexit impact assessments when it happened and they were scattered about the room.

“This is going to delay the release of the impact assessments by days probably. He’s got to work out how to sit up, work out how to untie the ferocious granny knot his laces are caught in and then get about the room collecting all the papers. It’s going to be monumental.”

As to how they are going to prevent a repetition of the incident, luckily the plucky MP has an idea.

“I reckon we put him in velcro shoes, at least until this Brexit fiasco is finished. It means a lot of wasted money on the shoelace tying course, but, we desperately want to get those Brexit impact reports out to the whole of parliament and the public as soon as we can!”

LCD Views has decided to start a fundraiser to purchase the suitable shoes. We’ll let you know when it’s live. The future is at stake! Our secretaries of state must learn how to walk so they can run!

David Cameron expected to announce 2018 UK Everyman’s Shed Tour dates

LCD Views’ arts correspondent is buzzing about the office this morning barely able to contain his excitement with the news that David Cameron is expected to announce his ‘Everyman’s Shed’ tour dates for 2018.

“I was actually hoping for a festive special,” Dee Ranged said. “Maybe David as Santa visiting some poor person’s hovel to count their bedrooms.

And if they’ve been really good and are sleeping six to a room he could give them advice on efficient personal finance management. But a spring extravaganza with him dressed as a rabbit would also be very cool.”

As to what David will talk about while visiting the towns and villages of the country is open to speculation.

“I expect he’ll do it fireside chat style,” Dee speculates. “Mention his struggles growing up. The desperate fear he wouldn’t get into the best schools. How hard he’s had it generally. Maybe also a little bit of score settling, just for the PR value.

Oh, and all the time he probably spent studying Blair to make it as Conservative party leader and allegedly completely set the country up for Brexit with a catalogue of interpretive dance cluenesses and inventive gutlessness in the face of what looks like a resurgent fascist genie in British political life.

Honest. Open. Like the man himself.”

It’s further speculated he’ll mention his struggles to get a personal makeover after leaving Downing Street and the personal drive to make Sam’s clothing range accessible in price point.”

Tickets are sure to sell faster than a Tory seeking a toilet in the midst of a scandal, so be ready to get yours for just the price of an average after dinner speech the moment they go on sale.