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Survivor of volcano explosion says other cities looked at “Pompeii’s apparent success”

FAIL(ED) CEASER : The survivor of a volcanic explosion has spoken today to LCD Views about the international view taken, during, and after the event.

“We took the right steps, at the right time,” Provincial Governor, Biggus Dickus, told LCD Views.

For the interview Biggus wore his mop of blonde hair like an actual mop that had been swished freely across a flooded floor.

“At every step of our response to the volcano’s explosion we have been guided by the science.”

Biggus Dickus gave examples of the timely, and science led response by his administration.

“Weeks before the eruption, when smoke was noticed spiralling out of the top of the mountain we sacrificed bulls to appease the Gods.”

We were tempted to ask why the bulls were sacrificed, when at the time the WVO (World Volcano Organisation) was advising cities near to volcanoes to load their possessions onto the backs of the bulls and get out of there.

“Then, when fire began belching from the top of the mountain we threw in virgins. Not blonde virgins, clearly, for obvious reasons. We worked day and night to prevent the mountain exploding.”

But when it did? What protection was provided to the priests and slaves dedicated to protecting the people from the mountain’s rage?

“They were given sufficient supplies of papyrus hats and copper amulets. Clearly the unprecedented nature of the explosion meant that global supply lines of both reed based clothing and lucky charms were strained (at every sinew).”

Your administration has also done whatever it takes to protect itself?

“Yes, purely in the interests of maintaining capable and consistent governance.”

This is why you’ve already indemnified yourselves against legal action based on charges of negligence?

“Yes.”

So what’s next?

“Bask in the glory of broad based global acclaim. That’s a given. Other cities are looking at our apparent success in managing the explosion that buried both Pompeii and Herculaneum. And as for myself I will be awarding the contract to resurrect the citizens buried under the ash and debris to a chariot maker.”

Who is that?

“Why Dysonius, of course, whether or not he delivers doesn’t matter. It’s how the headline looks dabbed in red paint on the walls of the coliseum, that’s all that matters to me.”

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I’m back, did I miss anything, says Boris Johnson

Great news! Our great leader has been declared fit for work by the Universal Credit people. He will be working day and night to distract attention away from where it should be.

“Ah, yes, the jolly old reins of power, raring to go, wiff waff, I say,” he is expected to say at the early morning press conference, which will be just in time for elevenses. “Well I’m back, yes, protect the NHS, stay home, stay safe, strain every sinew, err, something something, wibble, wibble, in vino paintbox, did you miss me?”

The nation will breathe a sigh of relief at the return of Johnson. If only because it means that the country is no longer in the hands of Dominic Raab-it-in-the-Headlights.

So what has been going on behind the scenes? The transcript from a private briefing between Johnson and the newly installed Professor of Medicine at the University of Tufton Street, “Classic” Dom Cummings, has been obtained by LCD Views’ Phone Tapping correspondent. This is what it says:

CDC: Ok, Spaffer, just get out there, be charming, and bugger off again sharpish. Claim your doctors have told you to take 60 minutes’ rest every hour, or something.

BJ: What shall I say, Classic? There’s 20k dead even using the adjusted figures, the members are getting restive, and Donald has forgotten to take his meds again.

CDC: Claim ignorance. They think you are a lazy, ignorant bastard anyway, so nobody will challenge you. The old tart Kuenssberg will be told to stick her tongue up your backside as per. You don’t have to worry about anything.

BJ: What about the science we are supposed to be following? What is the latest from SAGE?

CDC: You know as well as I do that science costs money we won’t get back. You mustn’t say Herd Immunity any more, even the ERG find it offensive now. I have worked hard to negate every point the fucking experts make. Just say the catchphrase and stutter winningly. Chuck in some Latin if you must. The usual.

BJ: Business as usual, then.

CDC: Business as usual.

Nothing to see here. Nothing. Move on, move on. Phew.

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Priti Patel announces “task force” to examine escalating levels of school truancy in UK

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON : Home Secretary and cheerleader of foreign militaries, Priti Patel, has announced she has set up a “task force” to look into the “baffling and escalating” levels of truancy in British schools.

“I have full confidence that the Home Office’s Task Force Truant will find out which families are encouraging their children to skip school. Once the guilty are identified measures will be taken,” Ms Patel said, with her best serious face, before smiling.

While it’s currently a closely guarded secret who is on the task force, and how many are involved, the level of truancy is out in the open for all to see. People are suddenly very brazen about it.

“This time last year there were no truants,” Ms Patel continued, “but during the later half of March and through April there have now been three hundred thousand, and thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand students skipping school. Personally, I blame the parents.”

What sanctions the guilty parties will face, once identified, are also clear.

“Deportation,” Ms Patel beamed, “perhaps the best English word ever invented. It’s my favourite. Capital is second. Punishment third. My favourite colour is of course blue. And everyone knows my favourite number.”

But it wasn’t all bad news, Ms Patel has a secret army of left leaning male fans on Twitter, some of whom have confessed to thinking she’s hot, and she has a number of Home Office successes to trumpet.

“Shoplifting has fallen through the floor, relative to last year, when there was no Coronavirus. So too high street attacks by Great White Sharks and deaths by lightning strikes on Ben Nevis.”

All can feel confident that with the disgraced former Minister for International Development overseeing Task Force Truant, that success is assured.

“It’s funny, isn’t it,” Ms Patel is reported to have mused, “once upon a time being caught running a private foreign policy agenda with a foreign military would have seen you thrown out of politics, your political party and never again be in government. But these days? The modern Conservative Party has gone back to traditional politics. Which is something I personally smile a lot about. There’s absolutely no harm to the democratic institutions of the United Kingdom by allowing gross misdeeds in public office to go unpunished.”

To smirk or not to smirk? There’s only one answer to that question.

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Study finds Black Death mortality rate could have been halved by involving electoral fraud specialists

FOLLOWING IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF GIANTS : A BRITISH SCIENTIFIC STUDY INTO THE BLACK DEATH PLAGUES OF THE 14TH CENTURY has concluded that our medieval ancestors could learn a lot from the current approach (by the UK) to pandemic crisis management.

“The medieval kings got the messaging all wrong,” lead researcher on the study, Ducktor Quack, told LCD Views, “you can convince people to put up with anything, if you get the story right. Not straight you understand, but right. You can even convince enough to abandon a supranational club that protects their rights, and enfranchises them, all on a mandate gained from a provably corrupted referendum.”

Ducktor Quack goes on to reveal that it is the belief of the researchers that the mortality rate for Bubonic Plague, anywhere between 50-90% for afflicted communities, could have been halved with additional gaslighting and slogans.

“They needed to ramp up the messaging, just prior to the pandemic peaking. The mass prayers were useful, but they didn’t strain every sinew. They really didn’t do whatever it takes. I understand availability of plague doctor outfits was also insufficient.”

Quack suggests that the inability of Edward III to manage the Black Death was down in part to the quality of his advisors.

“It was clearly a great flaw not to have any specialists in electoral fraud advising the King, and the Archbishop. If you’re going to thin a herd you need the herd looking anywhere but at the thinning. As it was most people were staring at their pustules. You’re never going to win public approval unless the cyst on the leadership is both concealed, and doesn’t burst all over the peasants.”

But critics of the study have hit back in defence of Edward III. They have said that Edward was generally distracted by having been given a name that numerous kings had, and that was all very confusing.

“Also, there weren’t elections at the time. People achieved positions through patronage, backhanders, ill gotten gains, threats and class system, often regardless of any inherent talent to do the job they wanted. So it’s no surprise that the management of the crisis was little better than a 21st century, wealthy and industrialised country letting hobby eugenicists and proven electoral fraudsters coordinate its response.”

But that could never happen in Blighty. In this green and pleasant land we follow the science.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/sep/07/smash-and-grab-dominic-cummings-democracy

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“I said treat the flu with leaches, not bleaches” – Donald Trump blames fake news media

DON’T DO WHAT I SAY DO WHAT I SAY I DIDN’T SAY : PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES OF SOME KIND OF AMERICA, and all round colourful character, Donald Trump, has moved today to correct a case of mistaken medicine.

“The fake news media misrecordered what I said about the foreign flu,” The President told a handpicked selection of wood louse and cabbage beetles, “I said they should look into treating the Coronavirus, and any beverage cold, with leaches.”

The clarification occurred whilst dry humping a freshly laundered American flag.

Apparently Mr Trump blames poor recordereding quality for the mistakenly belief he publicly mused on injecting everyday cleaning products directly into ill people. Products like bleach.

Of course leaches have long been popular with the medical community to treat a range of ailments from blood clotting to blood clotting.

“If they put the leaches directly into the ear of the patient than they can travel down to the lungs,” Mr Trump went on, “like they did in that documentary ‘The Wraith of Kahn’. They treated a man with leaches. They put the leach right into his ear and it got right to work. Magnificent impact. Just the greatest changes. Why not? Until we have a vaccine we have to be creative.”

But some critics of the President have seized on the clarification regarding what to do with bleach, apart from clean your toilet.

“The fact he’s had to walk that back shows that he’s not batshit crazy, but actually fully aware of what he is doing. That even for the clown show, which distracts from a lot of bad deeds, there’s a line that can’t be crossed. The self-awareness, it’s evidence of intelligence and calculation. Which is of course, even more terrifying. Clinician with a syringe full of cleaning products and an eye on your lungs, that kind of terrifying.”

Live long and prosper.

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Cummings enlivens SAGE like an injection of bleach into a CV-19 patient’s lungs, says Downing St

TAKE ONE PILL AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING IF YOU’RE STILL ALIVE : The UK has been an international outlier in the Covid-19 crisis, mostly because we’re determinedly exceptional.

“It’s a real opportunity,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views, “mostly to show the Continentals how to handle a public health crisis like a PR exercise, with scant regard to the impact on the lives of the peasants.”

Just like Brexit then?

“Exactly. It’s why Classic Dom attends SAGE. If you let actual public health experts decide ‘the science’ the Prime Minister is guided by you stand at risk of emerging from the pandemic and still having a social care crisis. If that happens old Bojo will have to come up with a policy. That’s like socialism. Makes you feel a bit sick at the thought. Labour comes up with policies, we come up with stories. It’s why we keep winning. It’s how we’ll win Covid-19. The brave sacrifice of the mighty Britons faced with an emergency none could ever have foreseen. But we rose to the challenge and defeated the virus! Churchill spent a lot of time in a bunker in the Blitz. Boris is spending time in the Chequers cellar. It’s exactly the same.”

But what about people who think actual epidemiologists, virologists and others who specialise in pandemics should decide what we do? You know, instead of the guy found in contempt of parliament?

“Where’s the opportunity in that? We’d end up just following the WHO advice like some subject nation straining under the yoke of trans-national organisational tyranny to regain our sovereignty. We didn’t get blue passports back just to throw it all away keeping NHS staff alive with actual PPE.”

So it’s Dom’s way or the WHO’s way?

“Exactly. Like an intravenous injection of bleach right into the trachea. The guy who headed up the Brexit lobby group found to have broken electoral law will Get Covid-19 Dom! If you’re lucky some of you will live to enjoy the completely unbiased and heroic biopic!”

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Donald Trump was only following the science, claims Boris Johnson

Disinfectant Donald, the very stable genius, has been defended by Boris Johnson. Like us, he was only following the science.

The man with the bigly brain and the highly convincing fake tan has suggested inoculations with a cleaning fluid that “kills all known viruses dead”. His other suggestions include exposing yourself, internally, to lethal doses of ultraviolet radiation. What could possibly go wrong?

Prime Minister (in name only) Boris Johnson, still self-isolating to avoid any contact with reality, has backed his bombastic buddy from the comfort of his luxury fridge.

“Boris is in good spirits,” disclosed a Downing Street ‘source’. “Distilled spirits, mostly, with a shot of peroxide to maintain the blond barnet. He has been in close consultation with his soul brother across the pond, and has taken his wise deductions to heart.”

The ‘source’ was quick to point out that Boris Johnson wasn’t well enough to do any work, even if he was up to phoning Donald Trump.

“Boris claims it is like talking to a small child,” the ‘source’ went on. “He should know what that’s like, having fathered a few. However, he is in a weakened and vulnerable state, by which we mean the press is finally starting to turn on him. So he has returned to decorating his empty wine boxes with his poster paints, and has passed on Mr Trump’s scientific results.”

This sage advice has been presented to the SAGE committee. Chief medical advisor “Classic” Dom Cummings is trying to inject some Vim into proceedings, if Michael Gove hasn’t managed to snort it all yet.

“There’s always a lot of Vim at these meetings,” said the ‘source’. “Well, some kind of white powder anyway. I hear that they are freebasing Cillit Bang, sniffing Mr Sheen, and coming down with a few rocks of crack co-codamol.”

Following the science, or chasing the dragon? Somebody’s cleaning up, that’s for certain.

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Man arrested in park after failing to observe social distancing with dragon

IGNORANCE IS NO DEFENCE : A TURKISH-SYRIAN ROMAN MAN HAS BEEN ARRESTED by local police today after flouting social distancing rules.

The man, described by a passersby as “swarthy and a bit foreign looking really” was however dressed in a “traditional British style” of plate mail, and carrying a shield bearing a red cross on a white background.

There are even rumours he featured in a recent BBC documentary “A Very British Way of Dressing”, which explains how something that is a fairly generic trait of all people and societies, is really actually just British.

“I was on my way to pick fruit with Nigel when I saw it,” the passersby told anyone who would listen.

“It was a bit of a shock,” one of the arresting officers told LCD Views, “we normally come here to tell people to go home. To see this man brazenly disregarding social distancing laws with an exotic animal? Well, you can imagine the crowd he was drawing. Public health nightmare. You’d only put on a spectacle like this if you were trying to achieve herd immunity with dragons. We warned the man in ancient Turkish, Syrian and Latin to Romanes eunt domus, but he just gave us a sweaty look. I repeated the order, he drew a sword, and that’s when we tasered him.”

The man has been named by police as Saint George and is thought to be the patron saint of half the countries on Earth.

“I suggest to this so called saint that the next time he wants to slay a dragon, he does it over Zoom,” the arresting officer added.

The BBC is reported to be on the verge of commissioning a special show “A Very British Way of Zooming”, and it is hoped (a reformed) George will feature in that.

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Government promises to test 100,000 fibs this week

Ramping it up: not content with believing six impossible things before breakfast, the bar has been raised. The new target is 100,000.

Example fibs are rumoured to include ‘We are working day and night’, ‘PPE is on the way’, and “The NHS is safe in our hands’.

This is a big ask for a government which, to date, has been committed to testing just one fib at a time. Unfortunately for them, Keir Starmer, the Sunday Times, and even Piers Fucking Morgan are now refusing to swallow their bullshit. The capacity is there but the will is yet to follow. So the fibs are being ramped up.

It’s all about getting ahead of the curve and flattening it. Facts that have latterly been buried under one pathetic lie are now poking their heads above the parapet, like spring daffodils emerging from beneath a thin layer of manure. Dominic Raab, the least convincing Boris Johnson impersonator since Boris Johnson, is starting to struggle with his grasp on unreality.

This isn’t doubling down. Or even squaring or cubing down. This one’s going exponential, like a virus allowed to spread unchecked through a vulnerable population.

So expect a flood of fibs, a torrent of tosh, a cloudburst of codswallop. Expect more bollocks than the waste disposal unit in a castration station.

Ministers have been very careful not to promise 100,000 new fibs, because even if they strain every sinew they possess, and several they don’t, it’s a target more likely to be honoured in the breach than in the observance. Even the fertile, febrile imagination of “Classic” Dom Cummings would have difficulty creating the necessary untruths in the timescale required. Instead they are trumpeting that they now have the capacity for 100,000 fibs.

It’s all in the syntax. Finally, a tax this government doesn’t want to cut.

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UK 100K CV-19 tests DAILY milestone hit by counting “any test on anything at all, even home school maths”

IF A SERVING MINISTER IS THROWN UNDER A BUS BEING DRIVEN BY BORIS JOHNSON : UK HEALTH AND SOCIAL CLEANSE MINISTER MATT HANCOCK HAS FACED SOME STICKY SITUATIONS DURING HIS STELLAR RISE IN BRITISH POLITICS.

But none stickier than the dramatic u-turn he performed to become health minister. We spoke to a fictional Matt, who maybe more reliable than the real public persona Matt, to find out more.

“It’s really encouraging to hear that some left wing, liberal, avocado munching, elite, latte drinking snowflakes are starting to feel inklings of sympathy for me,” Matt nodded, like a dog, shown a treat by a Boris Johnson.

“But they shouldn’t. All you have to do is remember how I invoked the war dead in service of my personal ambitions? Then just as rapidly threw them under the bus, in the service of my personal ambitions? I’m not a very sympathetic character. I’m just a man waving, not drowning, as Cummings demands I oversee a public health crisis as first and foremost, a PR disaster.”

This is all good. It allows the disaster capitalists to be busy in the background, even as dead nurses, insufficiently equipped with PPE, pile up at the base of the daily briefing podium?

“That’s very possible.”

But what about the 100K tests? That target, which you set yourself, seems likely to be missed?

“Not if we use the same magic that we use on mortality rates, which is like the statistical magic we worked on unemployment stats. There’s lies, damned lies, and Tory MPs with statistics. Looking at it this way we’ve already hit the target!”

Wow! Well done. That was easier than many expected.

“Yes. We now count any test on anything at all performed anywhere in the UK in the 100K. It makes for a really big number. The UK is performing billions of tests each and every day. Just the exasperated parents home schooling their kids in maths and English get us over the 100K on their own.”

Congratulations Matt. The desire to achieve herd immunity, while simultaneously solving the social care crisis, was looking a bit sticky, what with the Germans doing actual CV-19 tests by the millions.

“Thanks. Can I have a treat now?”

How about a badge that says ‘Matt’?