LCD Views’ meteorological correspondent reports that there is, happily, no longer any chance of hearing warnings of bad weather looming from the BBC, thanks to a more patriotic and sunshine based set of forecasts.
“People no longer need to plan holidays away, you know, in the lands of dragons across the sea [The English Channel]. That’s because every day is going to be just lovely now, regardless of what remoaner barometers say.”
To find out more, we had our correspondent skip along through the dazzling rays to speak to one of the Beeb’s chief meteorologists, Nick Robinson, to understand the thinking behind the change,
“The bad weather is over. The duty we forecasters had to warn of shit storms, floods of negative growth and other events that require people to turn off their fans, is over.
Why? Because there are no longer various types of weather systems experienced by the United Kingdom, only sunshine. We’re now the united sunny uplands kingdom, if you will.”
This sounds exciting. I’m throwing away my winter coat and stocking up on sunscreen before the run on stocks.
“The BBC’s job is not to look into the distance wondering if blithe assertions of endless summers to come are completely crackers, just because some turtle on a fencepost with a corrosive greed based ideology who aims to personally profit from disaster, promised the good weather.
Whether you like torrential downpours or not, we’re giving you sunshine!
Ignore the clouds!
Get out and risk a little heat stroke. You know it’s an achievement to get sun burn in England. There is absolutely no risk of skin cancer. Ever. Again.
Our job, now, is to encourage everyone in the country to pack a picnic basket and go to the common. It’s the new balance, if you will.
Stretch your legs out.
Do it today.
Worry not if you see an immigration enforcement van rounding up some subversive, university educated Europeans for an illegal detention before they’re marched across the Boris bridge to Calais.
Those lawsuits are for tomorrow. And if the plaintiffs aren’t in the country, what are they going to do? Appeal to the ECHR? Ha!
And to cement this sunny change to our land my colleague, John, and I will be recording a special charity single of ‘It’s a lovely day tomorrow’, to be broadcast each morning on the Today programme. Get behind it. We’re all Brexiters now! I mean, sunbathers.”
We’ll that’s reassuring, it’s like the entire UK has turned into the Costa del Sol suddenly, just with less Brits…