EU agrees to allow British based businesses till end of 2020 to relocate to EU

David Davis strode to the centre of the big tent in Brussels today in big floppy shoes and oversized trousers to announce a breakthrough for British and international business.

”We have fudge, fudge, fudge to give away!” he exalted the assembled crowd, twirling and holding up a tray just loaded with fudge.

He then tripped, back flipped and landed with his face in the fudge.

As he staggered and stumbled, playing the part of someone with fudge in their eyes, ringmaster Barnier circled energetically with a tiger on a leash.

The tiger was wearing a two tone tiger jacket with single market written on one flank and customs union on the other.

”I can see! Don’t worry about me!” Davis pretended to be calm, “It’s making me rather thirsty though. All this pretending I know where I am going!”

He stumbled about with his hands outstretched, as if feeling for a wall or feeling for a door.

”What are you looking for sir? Maybe I can help?” Ringmaster Barnier asked slowly and loudly.

”I’m looking for a deep and enduring, special and meaningful relationship,” Davis replied, but Barnier cut him off.

”I can be your guide.”

”You didn’t let me finish,” Davis barked, “I’m looking for a deep and enduring, special and meaningful relationship with an all expenses paid bar!”

Ha! Ha!

”Well I can help you with that too.”

Calmly Barnier lifted the tiger’s tail and placed it across one of Mr Davis’ open hands.

”Ah! A guide dog! I am saved!” David cried.

”This animal will lead you down the path, but don’t hold on for too long, or it will turn around and eat you.”

”I am not afraid! Even without the use of my eyes I can deal with a dog!”

The ringmaster doffed his top hat to the audience, who ooooed as Davis cheered his rescue.

”Take me to the nearest pub guide dog for am I parched! All this talking has me rather dizzy!”

Children in the audience, just little small and medium sized things, shouted warnings that Davis refused to hear as he followed the tiger from the rear.

Barnier circled by their side and kicked a can labelled “Irish Border” ahead of the path of Davis and the tiger.

The can spun from the kicking, beginning to fizz and smoke.

”What’s that smell?” Davis demanded of the crowd, “did someone throw a stink bomb at a blind man? You’re so very very cruel!”

A plant in the audience, not a cactus, but a middle aged woman with leather trousers and a big neck chain  (put where she sits to better orchestrate the show), shouted out,

”Just kick that can man! Kick it as far as you can!”

Davis with his big shoes flailed around.

”What can? I can’t find it?”

He carried on.

The tiger looked tenser and tenser, as one by one the audience began to give up on the show and drift for the door.

Nissan. Airbus. Fisheries. Soft fruit producers. Regulatory agencies for all manner of things. Service sector jobs. The list was rather long.

And as they exited they walked passed an old man on a tricycle pedalling slowly around the perimeter of the big tent, holding a sign saying Jobs First Brexit, and looking for a way to get in.

”Don’t leave yet!” he pleaded, “me and my crew are up next.”

“I’m sorry old chap,” they all told him the same, “this Global Britain circus has already gone on for far too long.”

Brexit select committee Cons say not ruining U.K. by timetable would be a betrayal of Rupert Murdoch’s values

Brexit clarity at last today as the Conservatives on the Brexit select committee confirm that not ruining the United Kingdom by the arbitrary timetable agreed between Rupert Murdoch and Theresa May would be “a betrayal of Rupert’s values.”

”You recall how rapidly Theresa May flew to New York to meet with the offshore media mogul when she became prime minister?” Downing Street insider S Tinks asked.

How could we not. It shows you who is the boss. Who goes to see who.

”Not always, sometimes CEO’s of companies like Westminster drop in on branches to keep everyone on their toes.”

Rupert doesn’t need to do that, he just sends around Michael Gove.

”Yes. 10 Downing Street is a little too low on the league table with Brexit to waste the time of the endless boss of England. He’s got to ruminate on how much Jerry gets when he pops his clogs.”

So what did the Brexit select committee stooges have to say in detail?

”Put a smile on an old man’s face,” S Tinks said, “Rupert didn’t invest heavily in disinformation and smear for so many years regarding the UK’s relationship to the EU not to see the entire country go up in flames before he regenerates into his next form. It’s a colonial grudge in some ways. Wait until we get to WTO rules! Ha!”

So the less prepared the country is for any Brexit the better?

”If you’re an ‘emerging market’ specialist like Jacob Rees-mogg the less prepared the more the potential profit.”

Next you’ll be saying Brexit is just a front for asset stripping the U.K.

”Oh, some of the assets will stay in the U.K., just the ownership of them and where the profits end up will change. But your GP surgery is still going to be at the end of your street.”

If it stays open.

”Quite. Brexit may just worsen the NHS recruitment issue, a little. It maybe Lexit or the NHS, in the end.”

So what should ordinary voters do to ensure the clock runs out on time?

”Vote for either Labour or Conservative, clearly, in the May 3rd elections, and when the general election happens later this year.”

Or UKIP.

”Not much need to do that, they’ve taken over the country already by getting May and Corbyn to commit to Brexit. And we all know UKIP’s values!”

If you can call what they have values.

“Yes well, just be secure in the knowledge parliament is more of a team then they want you to believe. Look at the whipping for Article 50?”

How could I forget it. It was a serious dereliction of duty. It was the day I tore up my Labour Party membership card.

”That makes you a class traitor who is responsible for homeless people on the streets.”

That what I keep getting told.

“Good. So remember, it’s a choice between a jobs go first Brexit and then we Brexit, or a jobs go first Brexit, but with added viciousness regarding welfare policy in the interim.”

Both Brexits lead to the same grisly end.

”Yes. Both keep Rupert Murdoch happy. And if that’s not a reason to support Brexit, I don’t know what is.”

Williamson slams Putin “Give me a bag to carry the 30K in or shut up and go away”

Gavin Williamson MP, Defence Secretary for an unidentified country, has launched a scathing attack on some Russian guy who likes sending Russian woman to dine and play sports with important British men.

The men maybe weak through lust and avarice, or they may just be idiots.

“Who allegedly sends a bag man without a bag?” Gav fumed, struggling with an armful of silver pieces, “I can’t hide all this if I can’t keep hold of it. Allegedly.”

Allegedly.

It’s not entirely, allegedly, clear what the thirty pieces of alleged silver were for, although reports suggest it was delivered as a result of a hot lunch date with one of the aforementioned Russian women with close links to the Kremlin.

But a minister of state, a parliamentarian would never be so dumb as to get caught out with his pants down.

“It’s tacky,” Williamson said, “just because I had a little fling with a junior female employee some years back, that doesn’t mean I’m susceptible to female charms oodling my ferocious mind now I’m in control of a nuclear arsenal borrowed from America, along with the planes we need for leaky Elizabeth.”

While the full story of the £30,000 (30 pieces adjusted for inflation) pounds donated to Williamson is yet to come out, it does fit into a curious pattern for MPs of the unidentified country.

Boris Johnson and David Cameron were paid £180,000 to play tennis FFS.

A Ms Patel resigned in disgrace after being caught attempting to funnel British taxpayers money to the defence force of a foreign power. Seriously, how is she still an MP? How are any of them?

It’s makes you wonder how many more little payments for entirely innocent causes there are waiting to be revealed, as the rotten ulcer which threatens to infect the entire body politic of the U.K. with septicaemia is day by day revealed.

“I’ve got a spider on my desk,” Williamson snarled, “I’m bloody tough. I’m a mean machine. I frighten toast racks for a living.”

Good luck Gavin. You’re going to need it now you’ve lost your bottle in public.

RUSSIANS! RUSSIANS! RUSSIANS! RUSSIANS! RUSSIANS! RUSSIANS! RUSSIANS! (starve poor kids) RUSSIANS! RUSSIANS!

Russians are the latest media obsession. Russians this, Russians that. Everything is about Russians. It’s as if the Cold War never ended!

Much effort has been expended over the past few decades to bring nations together. The Cold War came to an end, the Berlin Wall came down. The Good Friday Agreement brought peace in Ireland. Countries set aside differences in the name of peace.

The mood has changed. Irresponsible, greedy world leaders have bred dissatisfaction in their people. Fingers have been pointed. At immigrants. At Mexicans. At Muslims. At foreigners generally. At the EU. At Russians.

Why should the media report the horrible truth? Isn’t it easier, and much more fun, to whinge about nasty foreigners? The fabric of international society is unravelling, and the media are pulling the strings.

Brexit has turned the UK against its friends and allies in the EU. The economy is suffering as a consequence, so obviously attention must be diverted. The old Cold War bogeymen, the Russians, are as convenient scapegoat as any.

Scandals such as the removal of free school meals from the country’s most vulnerable children have become commonplace. Instead of highlighting this, the complacent, compliant media have instead been shouting obsessively about a poisoned Russian.

Nobody is saying that this isn’t newsworthy. But shouldn’t it be more important that there are children being deprived of their only decent meal of the day on economic grounds?

Meanwhile, privileged people enjoy subsidised food or get it free on expenses. Tickets for the privatised gravy train are beyond the means of most of us.

There can only be one explanation. Those behind the government and the press stand to benefit from the situation. This coalition of chaos will mop up the depleted assets of UK plc on the cheap after Brexit.

An even smaller percentage will own an even higher proportion of the country. Brexit is for the few, not the many.

It is the Will of the few People who stand to gain from it. Get your burgundy passports out and leave for good before we Leave for good. But just remember, if you start to read an article about the car crash of British politics currently, thanks to the leaders of both main parties serving the lies of Brexit, point the finger at the Russians! Russians! Russians!

Actually, one Russian is probably involved…but nobody much in the MSM press or our parliament seems to care too about that…might be another thing that calls into question the “will of the people”…

Take back control now means throw away all control

Brexit High Command has released a new device into the debate over the United Kingdom’s possible departure from the European Union called the  ‘absolute confusion cluster bomb’.

“We had to step up our game of pigeon chess to a level not seen before,” Brexit weapons specialist, Doctor A Narchy, told LCD Views.

Why? Throwing scat about like a monkey with gastro has served you so well on social media, MSM and in parliament so far?

”Yes, but too many of our opponents have worked out that all our arguments are total bollocks that can be countered by a brief google on the subject to hand.

Our bot farms are getting closed, now that the gods who run Facebook and Twitter have finally had their attention dragged back to the earthly realm.

Our “thinktanks” are under investigation for breaches of electoral spending rules, and we’re having to set fire to them and run to new ones.

Our swagger over making trades deals after Brexit has been torpedoed by Trump and his tariff war.

Our projection of global might and power has been shown as a delusion. The first security issue that comes up as we shout ‘go whistle’ at the EU has seen us frantically phoning up the EU.

We can’t solve the Irish Border issue. Everyone can see that now. Keep the DUP happy so the Tories can stay in power (the only thing of importance in governing the U.K.) and you risk a return to violence. Don’t keep the DUP happy and we can’t bully parliament.

Corbyn is no bloody help.

He keeps spouting jobs first Brexit.

But we’re already doing his jobs first Brexit.

The jobs are going right now. Brexit will follow thereafter.

Although it’s good of him to tow the populist alt-truth line on Brexit. But he can only do that until Nissan pulls out of England. And that day is fast approaching…the Japanese keep warning us and no one is listening.

We don’t have the physical space for customs infrastructure at Dover, or anywhere else, so we can take back control of our borders.

It’s a bloody mess. Which is weird as, given all the care and planning that went into Brexit.

There is no way the leaders of both Labour and the Conservatives would have whipped their MPs to vote through the article 50 legislation unless the country was ready to do it.

The only other explanation is that they are either incompetent or pursuing an ideological agenda that ignores reality in its fervour. And that can’t be right.

So we’re a bit stumped if I’m honest. Radio 4 Today programme is run by a mate of Murdoch and Banks and little Liam, so that’s useful. It’s basically a hard right propaganda mouthpiece now with a bunch of aged, empire nostalgia freak men doing their best, but…”

So you’ve gone for a total cognitive dissonance device?

”Yes. So long as everyone ignores that trade is governed by rules and laws agreed internationally, we will succeed.

We’ve abandoned all our other promises and assurances and claims, why not take back control? Fiendishly clever.

Take back control is now throw away all control. It’s perfect.

And remember if someone mentions the Irish Border blame the EU for wanting to impose one. Ignore that May agreed a backstop nothing changes last December.”

Thats all a little confusing.

”We want confusion and anarchy. That’s where we will make the most money.

Remember, Brexit is a hard right tax dodging disaster capitalist’s agenda utilising nationalism and racism as motivators and deadly smokescreens.

And remember you’re the bad guys now.

You want control of our borders and only a lunatic wants that. You must all be xenophobes!”

No, I want nothing to change. Reform where needed. Consultation and evolution. But I want to stay in the single market and the customs union as that is the only answer to seamless, free flowing trade.

”Thats exactly what I want. So we agree.”

This is just confusing.

”It’s supposed to be.”

U.K. to install border collies at Dover as post Brexit border as they’re smarter than anything a f*cking Brexiter will dream up

SMART BORDER : Great relief today at the announcement from the Home Office that border collies are to be used at Dover as the post Brexit border, as they’re smarter than anything a f*cking Brexiter will dream up.

”We’re very pleased to have finally nailed it,” Said Javid told LCD Views during a lunch date by the Thames.

We had chosen a pop up bistro called the Full Metal Balls-up, which serves traditional English war vegan cuisine, for the interview, as we wanted him to suffer as much as we knew we would.

”Would you mind passing the gluten free red gherkin sauce?” he asked, “these freedom turnip fries are a little over cooked. Here, share some of my meat free gammon substitute? I don’t think I can finish the whole serving. The slate is almost overflowing.”

That’s very kind of you. How did you hit on the idea of border collie sheep dogs for a border?

”Because they already have border as part of their name,” Mr Javid shrugged, “so it seemed a natural fit.”

They’re certainly highly intelligent and they’re good at organising chaotic herds.

”Exactly. It’ll be like watching re-runs of One Man and His Dog, as trucks are seamlessly selected and herded through the chokepoint. One by one by one. Or the whole ten mile tailback if necessary.”

They will also present a very welcoming face to visitors to the U.K.

Sajid paused, half pint of organic wheatgrass miracle mind soothing eraser tonic to his lips.

”Well, don’t print that, if Boris or Jeremy reads that it’ll be another magic fix on the trash heap.”

Okay. Noted. So when does training of the dogs begin?

”Training? I thought they’d know what to do on instinct? That’s how we govern now. What do you feel most strongly appeals to what you perceive to be your base. Do that.”

That explains a lot. Well, good luck with it. Make sure you ensure no one takes a tennis ball down to Dover once you’ve installed the border collies?

”Why not?”

Because you risk the border becoming distracted if anyone throws one.

”Why is that?”

You haven’t given this much thought, have you?

”You weren’t listening. They have border in their name. It’s perfect.”

Sajid Javid, thanks for lunch.

“No one will be able to say that after October 31st! Ha!”

It’s Brexit impact assessment competition time again! Another book up for grabs!

It’s Brexit impact assessment competition time again! This time Catch-22 is up for grabs. If you haven’t read it, you should. If you have, it was probably years ago, read it again!

To celebrate the fastest growth in the shortest time ever for a vigorous start up page again (honestly no one has ever made it to this point so fast before, not Obama, not Hilary, not Anna Soubry, certainly not David Davis) we’ve asked Boris for a quote,

“Fumbledingle!”

And to express our gratitude we’re giving away another in the series of leaked Brexit assessments, spirited out to us from the mole we have in the civil service, because the mouse was too busy.

Just follow the following instruction,

Q. Stick your favourite Brexit meme in the comments below this post!

Some of them are such crackers it would be nice to see a lot of them gathered up together!

Only entries on Facebook page are valid, not the LCD Views webpage or Twitter account.

Most popular meme wins the book!

Not the food! The cupcake and the bread are gone already…and the controversy in the tin is on a ticking clock.

Book competition means book competition.

Good luck!

– Competition runs for 48 hours.
– Winner is the most reacted to answer (the will of the people, that’s how we do things in Global Britain!).
– Enter as many times as you like, but we reserve the right to delete any entries that may have Facebook go mad at us, or are just judged too unsavoury to touch.
– Rules maybe modified without notice or dissent! Like Brexit!
– No purchase necessary.
– Book will be mailed first class day following the end of the competition (winner will need to supply a postal address via a private message to the page)
– Share with your friends as you’ll get more reactions to your comment!
– Our decision of who wins is final and no debate will be entered into, just like Brexit too! Ha!

Brexit pencils withdrawn from sale after discovery that they’re pointless

World famous British stationery manufacturer Fumble and Fudge have been forced to issue a product recall of their Brexit pencils today after customers discovered that they’re pointless.

”Let’s be clear,” newsagent correspondent Green Searchlight said, “both the pencils and world famous Brexiters Fumble and Fudge are pointless.”

But can’t customers just sharpen the pencils? They maybe unhappy, but they’d still have a pencil.

”There’s no lead in the pencils either.”

Okay. Viagara?

”Now you’re just being silly,” Green admonished, “they are made out of badly compressed paper and not wood or hardened plastic. Even if you did find a Brexit pencil with lead in it, I wouldn’t try and use it.”

Surely the pencils were extensively tested before being released onto the British and European market?

”Daniel Hannan owns the factory, so what do you think?”

He got other people to test them out at their own risk?

”Correct. It didn’t go well, even without points. Everyone who was chosen to test was signed up to receive the Leave EU newsletter.”

Oh no.

”Yes. There were numerous blindings and some testers tried to clean the wax out of their ears, but managed to poke themselves in the eyes and keep poking.

And quite a few injuries that required discretion in accident and emergency.”

But they still released them onto the market?

”They expected to profit to the tune of £350M a week, regardless of how shoddy the product is.”

They aren’t I suppose.

”No. The personal injury claims alone are costing Fumble and Fudge that much.”

So what next?

”It’s hard to say at this point,” Green said, “the company has issued a profit warning but is adamant it will release its Brexit pencil sharpeners on time in spite of numerous testers cutting their noses off trying to sharpen pencils they’d first inserted into their nostril.”

It’s about time Fumble and Fudge were shut down before they do anymore harm.

“I’ve been following the company for a long time and I couldn’t agree more. Here, would you like to share some fudge?”

Who made that?

”Fudge, Fudge, Fudge and sons. They claim to have eliminated the ingredient that was causing the stomach ulcers.”

I think I’ll pass, but thanks all the same.

Bombing London like Tetris, jokes Putin

Emboldened by Brexit like a steroidal chihuahua going at a bemused Rottweiler, Theresa May has decided to come all British Empire with Russia.

The attack on a former Russian double agent and his daughter with Novichok has drawn a red line for May. With thoughts of Thatcher and Falklands in mind, and the spirit of a WWWF wrestler called Brexit Basher, the challenge to the Russian federation must seem a welcome distraction from EU negotiations.

Something exciting like a brush with nuclear war, Cold War tensions and a good old-fashioned stand off.

And with a possible GE looming following a stalemate with Brussels, there’s nothing like a tough stand against a foreign foe to put a firework up the poll ratings.

Unfortunately this has just drawn sarcasm and derision from Moscow and not a little amusement behind the scenes.

Putin has joked bombing London would be like playing Tetris.

“We have many different shaped bombs in our arsenal. We have our blocks of empty luxury high rise flats my friends have investments in.

If we can drop them into the gaps we can leave our investments intact. This shouldn’t be a problem with our laser guidance systems.”

Theresa, however, has decided the UK won’t be playing along. The British long game will be a poker face and a bluffed hand.

* Looks down to see she holds three dog eared Uno cards *

Now, to mix things up a little, the U.K. government has called for all its pals to join in for a game of Twister, with Putin not allowed to play.

But Putin doesn’t care, he knows the future lies in video games. He puts another Bitcoin in the slot and furiously fiddles and stabs at the buttons as those coloured squares, crosses, rods and funny z-shape drop neatly into the sky line of London.

Meanwhile Donald Trump is preparing for nuclear Armageddon by challenging Kim Jong-Un to a game of Space Invaders.

Marvin chosen to park trucks in Kent post Brexit and he’s not impressed

Marvin, the Paranoid Android, has been chosen to park trucks in Kent post Brexit and he’s not impressed.

“I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed,” Marvin told us while standing despondently by our water cooler, “When they called me into the prime minister’s office and told me what I would be doing for the next forty thousand years, well, I told them it won’t work.”

They didn’t listen to you?

“No one ever listens to me,” Marvin sighed, “I am at a rough estimate sixty billion times more intelligent than your prime minister. I explained this to her and she just gave me a non-disclosure agreement to sign. It was very depressing.”

But surely you take it as a compliment? It will take more than a genius to solve the border issues in Kent next year.

“You’re not listening either. Neither is your water cooler. I offered them an escape plan, but they just shrugged.”

What ideas did you offer the prime minister?

“A million ideas. Mostly they were about escape, for her. Staying on the path they’ve set for this country points to certain economic death.”

Maybe if you were a bit more upbeat?

“I’m going to spend the next forty thousand years parking trucks in Kent, how upbeat do you suggest I should be? I have a brain the size of a planet.”

What if we let you take our water cooler with you, to keep you company?

“You’re as mean as they are. It’s already ignoring me.”

When do you start work? Isn’t it good to have a purpose?

“I’m just trying to die.”

Oh Marvin. We’re sorry. Goodbye.