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Rupert Murdoch said to be ready to change the Downing Street dog

OPERATION LAST GASP : Rumours in the political mills this morning that the old Emperor of the post colonial British Empire, plucky Australian/British/American upstart Rupert Murdoch is ready to change his prime minister again.

“All the little Satans are in a frenzy,” our Satanic mill correspondent reports, “pokers are being sharpened and heated, racks are being restrung, and the political gallows are being erected in the shadow of the giant brass toilet.”

The reason for the frenzy appears to be a reaction to a Twitter feed..

“Mrs MacBeth is almost clinically insane these days with thwarted ambition and she let’s her boss Rupert know about it,” our correspondent continues, “Mr Murdoch can’t sleep at the best of times anyway without that ‘mad English fart’ sounding off. And with the fall of democracy in English speaking, Western countries being partially incomplete. Jerry does her best, but he wakes sweating, screaming about “razing farking Liverpool to the ground and car parking the lot of it”. So something has to be done in the service of a good night’s rest.”

And that something appears to be the shock revelation of Prime Minister Johnson’s blithe and disinterested approach to the pre-match stage of U.K. v CV-19.

“Clearly anyone without blinkers on who was paying attention a couple of months back saw immediately that Johnson’s government of entitled bluffers were going to get Covid done just like they got Brexit (not yet done).”

Shame you can’t gaslight a virus.

“Or delay the consequences of your ideologically driven, human viral sacrificing choices over years and years. Long enough for old Odey to fill his boots again and again. Shame. Pity.”

But what does Mr Murdoch himself say of the rumours?

“Oh he only talks through an ouija board,” our correspondent finishes. “and right now the pointer is blazing out ‘I LIKE TO CHANGE MY PRIME MINISTERS LIKE I CHANGE MY UNDIES. YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT? WHAT’S I”

The sentence remains unfinished, but Mr Johnson’s sentence appears to have been passed.

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Government investing in enough PPE to cover their arses

We are doing everything we can, claims every government spokesman. Yes, indeed, they are doing everything possible to evade any sort of responsibility for the way this crisis has been handled.

PPE is vital equipment to cover yourself up, in order to protect yourself from external harm. It is important to stay safe in these difficult times. This is why the government is straining every sinew to keep themselves from any possible harm.

“We will make sure everyone who needs PPE will get it,” claimed Health Secretary Matt ‘puts the cock into Hancock’ Hancock during the daily dissembling session. “At the minute, that means us, in government. We need to cover our own backsides, so that none of the toxic atmosphere affects us, and we can carry on the business of not governing the country as usual!”

It’s good to know that our leaders have a finger on the pulse. Even if it’s only the pulsing vein in Dominic Raab’s forehead.

By toxic atmosphere, we assume Hancock means the anger surrounding the way the coronavirus crisis has been mismanaged. Empty promise has followed empty promise. Tales abound of small British firms offering PPE, masks, ventilators and the like to the government, to be met with resounding silence. Maybe they just accidentally deleted all their emails.

Instead, while there is a desperate need for health professionals to have the correct protective equipment, the government’s priority is to cover it’s own arse.

This is nothing new. Ever since Brexit, we have suffered blatant misinformation about, well, everything. The government has taken the least possible action at every point, unless it has been to deflect criticism and stage manage the news.

“We are making herculean efforts to protect ourselves,” Hancock continued, while Downing Street wonks made herculean efforts to prevent any journalists asking questions. “This is good news for the people who matter, the people who are vital to the future of this country. Therefore there will be compulsory applause next Thursday evening for all the brave, hard-working cabinet ministers.”

Stay home, stay safe? It’s a cover up.

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Downing Street announces thousands of Union Jack flags will be hung in “bold strike back” against Coronavirus

ALL MOUTH NO TROUSERS : A leak from Downing Street today reveals a bold new initiative to be launched by government in coming days that will “take the fight to Covid-19”.

The plan, which was intended to be leaked, in order to gauge public appetite for it, will see the new NHS Nightingale hospitals transformed into “red, white and blue nerve centres of patriotic flags and bunting”.

“Covid-19 won’t see this coming,” a genius advising the government told LCD Views, “it’ll be so wrapped up in feel good nationalist fervour it will sit down with nausea and retch. That’s when we’ll deal the killer blow.”

What the killer blow is exactly remains under wraps, but it’s believed to be a badge of some variety.

“When this virus was busy mutating in Tufton Street, I mean, in bats and pangolins, it never dreamed one day it would face thousands of freshly ironed Union Jack flags. England will be so festooned in symbolism it won’t matter that what we’re actually doing is still herd immunity. What’s a few tens of thousands of economically inactive dead between friends? Hey? Grandparents. Huh! What are they good for? Huh! Say it again.”

It’s fair to hypothesise that the nerds running Germany, with their elected officials and their PhD’s and their pragmatism, and the bleeding heart snowflakes running New Zealand, with their voluntary pay cuts by MPs and commitment to the sanctity of life, can learn more than a thing or two by watching how we go about CV-19.

But what if the leak reveals there’s little public appetite for thousands of flags? That what anyone paying any attention at all wants is proper PPE for all people on the front lines and a regime of testing, testing, contact tracing and isolation?

“Then we’ll announce some big showy numbers so client journalists can run with it and meanwhile we’ll keep hanging flags. Simple.”

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EU farm workers flown to U.K. after millions of pro-Brexit social media bot accounts failed to turn up for field work

SOWING AND WEEPING : Great news for hungry patriots with the announcement that hundreds of Romanians have begged to work in English fields this year.

“The 450 eager chaps from the East of the continent will more than make up for the estimated 40,000 – 70,000 missing British workers,” Mr Dissin Formation, newly created Minister for Desperation, told LCD Views, “swarthy chaps who work like the devil. This leaves the Brexit supporting patriots free to manage their hate and ignorance online. And most importantly, with clean finger nails.”

But not everyone is pleased that it won’t be British knees bending in toil across the parched, plague ridden lands of the world’s second best Idiocracy.

“Why aren’t all the people with pro-Brexit social media accounts not pushing for the young and unemployed to do the work? Where is the people’s army? What has BeCoMe oF bLiGhTy?!!” Mr G. AmMoN fumed on Facebook.

And it must be said that he was right to question the lack of nationalist fervour to do backbreaking work day in and out for long hours and low pay across the green, and once pleasant land.

“We will be launching an inquiry into why millions of pro-Brexit social media bot accounts failed to rally when the trumpet sounded. No expense will be spared! Root and branch reform is needed most likely. An end to education in state schools and a return to the proper pastoral life for those who choose to be born poor, maybe the only way to stop foreigners ensuring we eat the food we grow ourselves?”

We will save you the time and energy of you like. It’s because most of the pro-Brexit presence online is bot accounts. The people voted to Brexit? Only just. In a criminally corruption opinion poll that looks even dafter with rotting crops in a time of global crisis. Empire 2.0.

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Contract to produce care worker badges awarded to Dyson


Suck it up! The new care worker badges are to be produced by offshore brexity British power vacuum manufacturer Dyson.

“This is a huge development,” announced Bad Health Secretary Matt Hancock. “This futile empty gesture will cost a lot of money and be almost completely ineffective. But it gives the impression that we care, and that’s what is really at stake here.”

We wondered if funding care workers directly might be a better solution.

“Of course it would be much more efficient to increase their pay and provide PPE, but don’t forget that these people are low paid, and therefore unskilled and of little worth,” Hancock scolded. “A pay rise is tantamount to socialism by the back door, and that cannot be allowed to happen.”

Why ask Dyson to make them, asked one reporter before their microphone was cynically turned off.

“Dyson makes things,” observed Hancock sagely. “He’s the only person on our approved list of donors and cronies who actually makes things. It was a no-brainer!”

There was delight among the hard pressed, vulnerable care worker community, as you can imagine.

“This is the best news I’ve had in ages!” said Hattie Tinfoil, in between persistent coughs. “I heard that these magic badges also protect against 5G, you know, 5G beams the virus straight into your bloodstream, it’s Chinese innit, I won’t eat chow mein any more, let me tell you now!”

Hattie wrapped a towel round her head and pulled on a pair of mittens. “Best I can do, innit,” she said. “Can’t wait for the badge, it wards off infections, viruses and evil spirits, can’t effing wait!”

What is the best medical advice?

“If you must have human contact, especially with the vulnerable, use fresh PPE for every interaction,” said Doctor Parris Eatermoll. “And don’t listen to the official government medical advisors. They are all struck off for fraud and incompetence, but still use the title ‘Doctor’. Like those retired army twonks who insist you still call them Colonel, 40 years after they hung up their uniform.”

What will the badges say? It’s a closely guarded secret, but rumour suggests that the inscription will read ‘Unclean’.

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Romanians being flown on charter flights to U.K. to pick crops told “you need us more than we need you”

FILE UNDER ‘PISS UP IN BREWERY’ : ROMANIAN field workers being flown in to the UK to do the vital work of picking our crops are being set straight, right at the off, about who needs who more.

“Boris Johnson has recorded a video message just for them,” our Downing Street ‘source’ tells LCD Views, “he’s had to shout the words, obviously, otherwise these chaps won’t be able to make head nor tail of instructions. But he wants them to feel welcome and that everything is perfectly fine and sensible.”

Tough questions are not being asked, as is usual in Brexitannia.

Who is profiting from the special charter flights? In terms of who has the contract to supply the workers? Are they linked to the governing Tory Party? Such as a postal ballot firm might be? Would the flights have happened regardless of Covid-19? Much in the way that the NHS has been run down to make working for a private contractor more appealing? Would the same neo-con have happened here?

“We were a bit bloody shocked that the millions of pro-Brexit accounts, which amplify and push the pro-Brexit message on social media, didn’t turn up for work. It’s almost like they’re mostly bots, or if real people, just big mouthed, gullible gammon who can’t be arsed to do a real day’s work for twelve hours in a field on sod all money, so we can enjoy cheap food. I’m sure no one will look into this in due course.”

But to save the blushes of the Romanians, who are probably embarrassed to be coming here to do the work Brits can’t be bothered to do, or can’t financially survive if they do, there is a welcome, care package.

“Boris has made them all disguises out of empty wine crates,” the source adds, “there’s a choice of two. They can dress as either the prime minister or the UK’s modern Lord Haw-Haw, Nigel Farage. This is so locals don’t try and stone them. Boris has even painted little faces on the masks, which is nice.”

And to make doubly sure they know their place in Brexitannia Anne Widdecombe has been specially employed to ride bareback along the crop lines with a loud hailer giving them one direct, indisputable message.

“You need us more than we need you!”

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Downing Street expected to promise nurses “who survive” working without PPE a pay rise

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS : THE UK GOVERNMENT’S RUBBER GLOVE, Matt “those men who died on the beaches” Hancock is expected to make a bold and bankable promise to the UK’s nurses today.

“Not just nurses,” a ‘source’ inside both Downing Street and the Dept for Voluntary Causes of Death told LCD Views, “porters, doctor chaps, cleaners, well, the whole raft really. They can all expect a pay rise.”

The pay rise can be sourced immediately “should they choose to quit the NHS and go and work for a private contractor”, or, the pay rise can be “jam tomorrow if they choose not to enrich our chums who own companies that supply NHS staff by contract.”

The position, described as “balanced” by industry lobbyists, is intended to both offer nurses encouragement as they “wage war” against Covid-19 in bin bags and face masks bought at Homebase (other DIY and trade outfits are accessible), but not “unfairly undercut the free market in health provision within the national health service”.

But there was a note of caution.

Recently the Health Secretary Matt Hancock did sagely say “now is not the time to discuss a pay rise” for nurses. Presumably because right now public sympathy for the profession is politically just too high and it is currently “untenable for a laugh in Parliament when we vote to reject the pay rise”.

How much the nurses, and associated professions, can expect to be gifted after “the dust has settled in the trenches” isn’t yet clear. But it will presumably be a “lower percentage than the annual MP salary increase and less than can be earned working for a private contractor”.

“Of course they won’t all get the pay rise,” the source adds, “your government spent January organising a commemorative Brexit 50p and not readying supplies of PPE, this means that not all will survive. But we will effusively thank them for their sacrifice. We’re so steeped in the myths of wars we didn’t personally fight in, it’s incapable to see this as a public health emergency. And in wars you sacrifice troops for victory.”

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Boris Johnson sets good example by not-working from home

He has risen! He had risen indeed. And gone straight home to bed.

Boris Johnson’s miraculous, not to say stage managed, resurrection on Easter Sunday is going well. It has generated a huge amount of sycophantic sympathy, which means he won’t be asked to take the rap for anything this week.

Adding to the miracle, he was able to make a five minute speech without pausing for breath. Pretty good for a man recovering from a lethal lung infection.

Instead he will be “working from home”. Working from home is one of those rare phrases where you can actually hear the quotation marks. Johnson is setting an example to the rest of the country by failing to do any sort of useful work from his comfy sofa at Chequers.

No change there, then.

In order to make his intentions crystal clear, Johnson has ordered a large quantity of wine. This has two benefits. Firstly, it means he has plenty of wine boxes to paint. It’s something to do. Secondly, if he ever needs to make a public appearance, he can pass off his hangover as a recurrence of covid-19.

Meanwhile all the useful people in the country are doing the essential work of contracting covid-19, so the rest of us don’t have to. All the nurses, doctors, supermarket staff, delivery drivers, and so on will be martyrs to the Herd Immunity “strategy”.

Who will be left? Apart from Boris Johnson, all the other people whose jobs, it turns out, were not that essential after all. The Earth will become a global B-Ark, populated by all the useless people. It bodes well for the future.

So while Boris Johnson stays safely locked away at Chequers, drinking and painting wine boxes, somebody needs to come up with an answer to this crisis, and quickly.

It will probably be 42. Or, if Priti Patel is involved, 4 hundredty thousand and two-ty  squillion.

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Priti Patel says the PM had Covid-300,5838,384,38485

NURSE! NURSE! : Recently rediscovered, non-rehabilitated, UK 2020 Hide ‘n Seek Championship front runner Priti Patel, has responded to conspiracy theories trundling about social media that PM BJ didn’t really have CV-19.

“You don’t need to tell me I’m as disappointed as the next drone,” a smiling Patel beamed for the cameras, “when I heard that the greatest prime minister of the twentieth and twenty first years of the 200,000,2020,200 and twenty, th, century was in hospital I had a hard time wiping the smirk off my face.”

But wipe it she did, which is no mean feat, considering it’s a defensive shield against a world that too often disagrees with Ms Patel’s sums.

“Something doesn’t add up,” she continued, “I’ll grant you that, before deportation. Raab, Rishi and 40th to the power of minus times 30ish people are in front of me to be PM should Mr Johnson throw it all in and run off with a nurse he met while staying at the big doctor house. How is that? Two plus two should equal PM Patel!”

But what of the actual conspiracy theories that Mr Johnson wasn’t as sick as claimed? Why not just say he’s the PM for the love of Lucifer! They’re going to be over cautious. It’s only sensible. He’s theoretically running the country on behalf of Tufton Street and other vested interests?

“You’re right. He looked proper chirpy in that video for a man who, and I quote, could have gone either way just days ago with a savage, novel respiratory illness that is killing thousands daily.”

The recovery must be a measure of his masculinity. He’s clearly an uberman.

“More a ‘whatever car service will pick you up at 5am’ kinda man from what I’ve heard!” Ms Patel smirked.

So he definitely had a Covid-19 then?

“No.”

Wait. What?

“I looked at the number on his test results myself and he had Covid-300,5838,384,38485.”

Ms Patel, thank you for your time.

“My pleasure. No one has ever said that before. How sweet. Now, where were you born?”

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Count down begins until Tory Jesus Boris Johnson buggers off, having risen on Easter Sunday

FISHY WISHY FULFILMENT PERSONIFIED : Sources inside the Tory bunker report today that James “oh so” Cleverly has the famous countdown clock out again.

The motivation this time is not the timing of the Brexit last supper, but the moment when Tory Jesus Boris “I can’t cough all over you enough” Johnson will complete his narrative arc as the risen saviour.

“Clearly he’s not saving anyone but himself,” the source confides, “which is right and proper for a divine character (actor). The virus may not respect rank, but it doesn’t mean that plebs don’t have to.”

But the all important question is how many days is James “Nominative Determinism is Bunkem” Cleverly setting on the whirling dials of fate this time around?

“It’s not Brexit this time,” the source beams, “as Boris got that done, much like his regime got PPE and testing done. No. This is the count down to when Boris ascends to Tory heaven and leaves everyone wondering did he work magic? Or just a card up his loose, flowing, fashionable, messianic robes trick?”

Well, clearly you can expect consistency of narrative where Boris “father of hidden football team” Johnson is concerned, just not if you’re one of the many mothers of the prime minister’s many offspring.

And where does Tory Jesus go then? After 40 days as the rising dough of the Lord?

“Why to Mustique of course,” the source finishes,” in a fridge.”