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Plan to replace Admiral Horatio Nelson with Field Marshall Boris Johnson in Trafalgar Square confirmed

BY HIS WORKS WILL HE BE KNOWN : DOWNING STREET has confirmed completely fabricated rumours that Admiral Horatio Nelson will be unceremoniously fly tipped into the Thames later this month, and replaced with a statue of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson in Trafalgar Square.

It’s rumoured there were also plans to rename the famous London landmark the column is located in as ‘Brexit Square’, but they have been rowed back as no one in government says Brexit anymore.

The decision to replace the historical figure is part of a revamp of London to make it fit for the Brexitfirst century, but no one calls it that, as Brexit is hardly a word anymore.

“There will also be a raft of new education measures, replacing the boring stuff in school curriculums,” the source continued (to fabricate), “science, biology, math and literature will be entirely replaced by Two World Wars and One World Cup studies, to ensure British children understand their place in today’s world. But additionally units dedicated to Mr Johnson and his DEFEAT OF BRUSSELS will also crowd out anything pointless like RE and PE.”

The ceremony to remove Nelson will be done as fast as possible, with plans being drawn up to catapult the old statue into the River Thames.

“It’ll take all the headlines for days,” the source beams, “we’re also going to increase the height and girth of the column to more Johnsonian measurements and the statue of Mr Johnson will be much larger than the old one of Horatio, as fitting, given their different achievements. Complaints about cost have been dismissed, because we spend your money as we like, that’s the Tory way. Also concerns that an engorged statue will overshadow the British Museum, and all the nerds inside it, have been welcomed.”

It’s not yet certain what materials will be used to construct the Johnson statue, but early reports suggest the feet will definitely be made of clay.

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Government investing £5bn on buses so they can paint lies on the side

Buses means buses. Boris Johnson’s government has only one use for them: as banners for slogans. And the more expensive the better.

£5bn doesn’t go far when you are buying Routemasters. In fact, it doesn’t even get as far as the terminus, instead it turns around and returns to the depot.

£5bn equates to roughly 15,000 new Big Red Boris Buses, which means there is only space to paint 15,000 Big Fat Lies on the sides.

The Ministry of Truth is hard at work deciding which slogans to deploy. All the old favourites are guaranteed bus space: Easiest Deal In History, Frictionless Trade, and of course They Need Us More Than We Need Them.

Ministry wonks were pondering whether to include Non-Whites Without An Unblemished Record (Including Parking Tickets) Will Be Deported To Jamaica. However it was deemed too truthful, and Britain Is A Welcoming And Inclusive Country was substituted.

At least 100 buses have been earmarked to carry disingenuous bollocks about fishing.

However the suspicion remains that buying buses is Boris’ primary distraction technique. Since he is also building bridges again, there must be something truly ghastly going on under the radar.

Firstly, Michael Gove has resurfaced. These days Gove is only ever released from protective custody to play the pantomime baddie, making some far fetched announcement like the reintroduction of tariffs or customs checks. We can all boo and hiss, because after all it’s only Michael Gove.

Secondly, all the disadvantages of Brexit are being slipped out in a low key manner, while the media deliberately wail about a supposedly lethal virus which has infected approximately six whole people and generally makes you feel a bit poorly for a while.

It is only a matter of time before Jacob Rees-Mogg emerges from his Victorian Gothic novella to pronounce poshly in pig Latin.

So let’s cheer as the lies roll past on the Boris Buses over the Boris Bridge while our rights, jobs and lives are cut from underneath us.

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Government pledges £105bn to bury Intelligence Report on Russian Interference in British politics

HIGH SPEED PHEW : Boris Johnson’s government is wasting no time in levelling up the political landscape into one giant soggy bottom, scandals and mysteries, secrets and lies buried in each crevice and crease.

To this end they have pledged an additional £105bn to bury the Intelligence Committee Report into Russian Interference in British Politics as deep down from the country’s newspapers’ front pages as possible.

“Miles and miles of HS2 should do it,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and phew! It’s amazing how the political class in this country allows us to get away with it. The report was cleared for release before the December 12th election, old Boris delayed it, everyone in positions of power, except old Grieve, just sucked that up. He said he’d release it in January. Where’s January? Been and gone! Ha! Got Brexit Done didn’t we. The two things are in no way connected.”

What is in the report remains under speculation. It’s possible all it details is just how riddled with Kremlin linked cash the Tory Party is. No biggie. But having everyone wonder about it is distracting. It could even be delayed, just like the inevitable service on HS2, to keep everyone distracted from the rolling train crash that is Brexit.

Who knows.

We’d know if they released it.

“Don’t be silly,” the source chided, “to release the report would be the actions of an accountable government. And for Mr Johnson accountability is the one thing he’s most afraid of. You wouldn’t want to hurt his career now, would you? Not now he’s grasped his most wanted political prize and has no idea what to do with it.”

Yes. We would. We’d like to live in a functioning democracy again. Where’s the report?

“You know already. It’s under the miles of unlaid HS2 track. Or perhaps in the footings of a giant bridge to Ireland.”

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Government to spend £5bn on cycle lanes suitable for use during flooding

NOT WAVING DROWNING : Downing Street has now put some words behind the other words and pledged to spend £5bn over the next five years building flood proof cycle lanes.

“Critics will say it’s just another big number put about to impress,” a Downing Street source commented, “and that when you divide it by time projected for spend and surface area it’s not that impressive. Just making a welcome start to overturn years of neglect. And we should only get kudos when we actually do it. Talk is cheap. Well, wait until we put it on the side of a bus. Wait for then. That’ll cost a few million right there. It’ll be a bendy bus.”

But what won’t be bendy is the cycle lanes.

“Solid, see through, reinforced, submarine plastic tubing. First one is going in to Hebden Bridge as we speak,” the source adds, “may get a bit hot in summer, so we can use it to grow hothouse fruit and veg. Double win. And when the flooding occurs? You can just cycle right through in the tube. Watch the cars and cattle float passed overhead. Magnificent. Bound to be a tourist attraction no doubt. So we’ll have to privatise them and see the profits go to tax havens. Of course then they won’t be maintained properly and will leak. What catch me in one then! Ha!”

But what about also spending money on flood prevention and protection?

“Oh, don’t worry about that. Funds for those things usually comes from the European Union.”

Good luck everyone. Good luck Hebden.

“Just be sure to bring some flippers and an air tank when cycling. Or catching the bus for that matter.”

Submarine cycle lanes? Whatever will they think of next?

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Country that calls emergency services over KFC chicken shortage ready to lose frictionless trade with EU

OPERATOR HOW MAY I CONNECT YOUR CALL : THE UNITED KINGDOM has got Brexit done, apparently, without even getting it done and while still in the EU, virtue of the transition.

All that is needed now is for government, tasked with the important mission to protect the citizens of the country, deciding to do the opposite, end frictionless trade with the European Union countries, and throw millions of lives into hardship and turmoil. Just like that. As easy as having your head turned by a combination of Russian and US billionaire cash, and the associated neoliberal and libertarian ideologies.

“The country is ready,” a Michael Gove, as real as any other Gove you’ll see on your screens or in print, told LCD Views, “ready to lose frictionless trade with the EU. We’ve arrived at this readiness by installing extra lines for the emergency services. They’ll be ready to use by the 1st of January 2021. Or later, if we extend the transition. But they’ll definitely be ready and so will we.”

But why the need for extra lines to 999 if the country is ready?

“You saw what happened when KFC ran out of chicken a while back?”

Yes. People actually phoned the police like it was an emergency.

“And it will be an emergency. KFC may be one of the few outlets still serving, and I use this word advisedly, fresh food after we finish getting Brexit done. Any disruption in the supply of chicken parts will cause widespread panic. Motor parts are a lesser priority.”

Surely then you should be focused on ensuring the supply of chicken to KFC is robust, rather than mucking about negotiating with the EU?

“Well, it is hoped that simply by sacrificing our farming sector on the altar of big US corporate farm culture we can be certain there will be enough, and I use this word advisedly, chicken for everyone, even the vegetarians. They will have little choice but to consume meat after Brexit, as most of our fresh fruit and veg is grown by the Dutch. And what’s even better is that you will be confident the chicken that you will be eating, will have an extra secret herb and spice, after Brexit.”

Chlorine?

“The very same. So clean you could swim in the frying vats and lounge in the ovens after cooking it. Which, funnily enough, will be a lot like it feels to have done Brexit.”

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UK celebrates taking back control from BRUSSELS by letting Johnson’s girlfriend choose its CHANCELLOR

TAKE THAT JUNKER IN YOUR BUNKER : The United Kingdom continues to burnish its cred as the MOTHER OF PARLIAMENTS in week two, post Brexit, not really Brexit [transition].

“Boris Johnson’s girlfriend-mistress-SPAD-virility prop with intriguing links to Russia is deciding who is Chancellor,” our source inside 10,11,12 and 14 Downing Street reveals, while having no idea what’s going on in Number 13. “Although that’s put his best mate Dom in a real foul mood yeah, and he’s saying Bojo Al pal, bros before garden tools man.”

Of course the real victim in all this is The Saj. Not only has he had to suffer being defenestrated by the mad blogger Cummings, now he’s got to wait until late in the week to see if his friend Carrie’s pull with the chief is sufficient to stop him being shuffled.

“It’s not just The Saj who is on tenterhooks,” the source continues, “according to the Mirror article used as the basis for this entire article, whoever the hell Ben Wallace is, he’s got the same anxiety dream while waking.”

What Brussels makes of this no one knows. But what we do know is that Global Britain is going to do things its own way. And that way is a mentalist’s ménage à trois in Downing deciding in a psychological game of twister who fills the UK’s great offices of state.

Talk about being governed by unaccountable, unelected elites. Not that Boris cares, he’s too busy in the basement designing another bullshit bridge.

#GlobalBritain, it’s a brand. Already soiled.

Smell the glove.

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David Cameron offers to organise referendum on re-unification for Ireland after general election

ONE MAN AND HIS SHED : The man judged responsible by modern historians as the founder of the modern British state (of it), David Cameron, has offered to assist Ireland after its general election this week.

“While some of the results are still to be decided,” the internationally renowned holder of opinion polls said, “it’s clear there’s been a sea change in Irish politics. They could do with an Englishman’s help.”

What form the help would take is obvious.

“As Sinn Fein is clearly now one of the big players in the Republic, everyone in Ireland will need an Englishman’s help in making sense of what it means. I therefore propose to organise a referendum for Ireland. And I’ll do it for a modest fee. Given my extensive experience in this area, having interned in referenda in 2016, it’s only fair to receive a small measure of compensation. The book sales of the sequel to my memoir won’t cover my exercise of expertise.”

The problems Ireland are now facing, having voted weirdly, do also show the potential issues any modern democracy will see arise when you don’t give the contract for organising postal ballots in elections to chums of the governing party. But that’s another entirely speculative story.

But what question will Mr Cameron put to the Irish voters, in order to assist with their new direction?

“Firstly I’ll ask who they are. That’s obvious. Who are the Irish really? Does anyone know? Irexit party got less votes than spoiled ballots, whoever that is, so it’s a puzzle they’ll need help cracking.”

And the subsequent question?

“Well, whether or not they wish to re-unify with the United Kingdom before or after Northern Ireland has re-unified with them, that’s clearly the one to answer next.”

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Britain not given enough credit for breaking up Pangaea


Did the earth move for you, darling? Well it should have done. It’s not for lack of effort.

Britain became Great by splitting things up. The British Empire, the European Union, the atom, Charles and Di. But now true blue Brits believe Britain isn’t given the credit due for a literally earth-shattering split.

A recent survey by Britain’s most patriotic newspaper, the Daily Jingo, revealed that 52% of Brits think that Britain isn’t given enough credit for breaking up the supercontinent Pangaea.

“People have short memories,” remarked ancient historian Dinah Saw. “It was only 175 million years ago, for crying out loud. If you can remember two world wars that happened before you were born, there’s no excuse for forgetting about Pangaea!”

Fair point well made.

Saw also traces the origin of British exceptionalism to this split. “The British Isles grabbed the best bits of the continents we now know as Europe, Africa and North America,” she explained. “Then they kicked the other continents away, and decided that their future lay in geographical isolation. The shrinking gene pool led to the rise of inbreeding, and the chinless wonders we see today!”

That wasn’t the end of the matter, though.

“We never really got away from Europe,” complained Saw. “Remoaners aren’t a new phenomenon. They even managed to make Britain rejoin the continent once! And what did we get out of it? I’ll tell you what, glaciers and woolly mammoths and sabre toothed tigers, that’s what. We should have stayed on the mid-Atlantic ridge as originally planned!”

Saw’s argument is convincing. Global forces gave rise to Global Britain, and treacherous geographers have assigned the cause to plate tectonics, not gin and tonics.

The furious Daily Jingo is already running a campaign to DEMAND official recognition for Britain’s forgotten triumph.

Credit where credit is due. Britain demands credit. Preferably unlimited and non-repayable.

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UK turns into a sperm whale and a bowl of petunias


Britain has been transformed. The government’s infinite improbability drive to force Brexit through has changed the UK into a sperm whale and a bowl of petunias.

One of the biggest problems with Brexit is that everyone knows that the answer is 42, but nobody can agree what the question is.

The man responsible, who lay down in front of the bulldozers until he got a better offer, hitched and blagged his way to the top. Turns out he is as two-faced as Zaphod Beeblebrox.

The glorious and much lauded freedom from the conventional limits is, we are told, great news for the UK. Why, if you are a sperm whale, must you be restricted to the sea? Why can’t a plant escape the confines of a bowl? Why not throw off the shackles and take to the air?

“Believe in Britain!” is the cry. The unexpected transformation has left the country’s leaders floundering uselessly. A bit like a sperm whale in mid-air.

I believe I can fly, trilled Boris Johnson during his bonkers speech this week. One in a long line of surreal gags and corny catchphrases, at least Johnson’s comic credentials were enhanced.

It’s a shame that the top job in the country has gone to the court jester. His Ken Dodd impression was spot on, only the diddymen were missing.

So what if the UK is now split between an aquatic mammal and a houseplant? So what if we are falling rapidly to the ground? We can always blame the EU. Or diesel. Or a couple of white mice and the number 42.

The sperm whale half of the UK is happy and optimistic, enjoying the freefall. While the bowl of petunias half is more aware of the consequences. Oh no, not again.

Meanwhile, the EU has a parting shot for us: So long, and thanks for all the fishing rights.