“NHS will no longer have a winter crisis once we have a successful crisis all the time”, PM outlines managed decline

Theresa May was forced to clarify, during PMQ’s today, that the NHS is not in crisis, but in an “orderly and managed decline” and further, the “NHS will no longer have a winter crisis once we have a successful crisis all the time.”

The frank admission of the classic Thatcherite method for looking after publicly funded institutions, built over decades of public investment and effort, into a parlour state to be sold off for a fraction of their holistic value, was welcomed by traders.

“I’ve been telling my clients hold off,” Mr A S.S. Stripper told LCD Views,

“you don’t want to go rushing that cash back from Panama too soon, just to find a piece of the NHS pie is going out the door even cheaper, if you’d been a little more patient.

What’s the point of going to all the effort and expense of avoiding tax, if you’re too hasty to ‘reinvest’ in your future.”

Timing is key to any investment strategy and we advise our readers to follow Mr. A. S. S’s. advice and hold the line, not only while waiting for treatment at any A&E.

“It’ll all be there for the taking. Pay on the nail style. Just wait until 2019. The good news is it won’t matter which major party is the party of government either, assuming both stay committed to Brexit,” Mr A S. S. continued.

It’s sound advice.

With any luck Chris ‘Midas touch’ Grayling will have lumbered across to health secretary before long and the contracts available will best be described as,

“Plums. Juicy. Ripe plums. Low to the ground. Easy to pick. Worded so you can get public subsidies if things get sticky and sue the public purse if your luck runs out, because you siphoned off the tax dollar back to Panama too quick. Around and around.”

The only risk is if the entire May government is in managed decline.

“No fear on that score,” Mr A. S. S. added, “no one is managing anything in May’s show. Curtains to close any time. And that’s not a problem as another publicly committed Quitter is next in line!”

Child genius attempts to solve national math puzzle : U.K. (dividend) / Brexit (divisor) = business class flying?

LCD Views can report from a math competition which occurred at a central London location this morning, that noted child genius, little Liam ‘air miles’ Fox, has failed to solve the famous math puzzle of the Brexit Dividend.

Maybe you can do better?

UK (dividend) / Brexit (divisor) = ?

In what was a highly anticipated moment in math, ‘air miles’ Fox, took to the equation live on air, with next to no preparation.

Our best economics correspondent, Dr Quit Er, was listening and gave his reaction,

“I admit I was disappointed.

I’ve taken on the equation over and over and it always, always, without fail, equals an economic boom and a unicorn for every man, woman or child.

I don’t understand how little Liam can have failed? International trade is clearly his best subject, but math is close behind.”

Dr Quit Er isn’t alone. Our whole office was baffled.

“Perhaps it’s the jet lag?” Titan Searchlight asked.

“Liam has reportedly flown further than the Moon in business class, and that was by April 2017.

God knows how tired of all those air miles little Liam must be by now? He works hard for the taxpayer coin. What a trojan horse he is.

Anyway, I hope he has the company of a good friend during all those difficult hours, trying to find entertainment between complimentary drinks, five star hotels and meeting some of the most famous humanitarians on the planet?”

We can only recommend that the Department for International Trade is lent a math tutor from that bastion of accounting genius, DExEU, to help ‘air miles’ Fox work through the equation before he’s publicly tested again.

And if you haven’t yet solved,

UK (dividend) / Brexit (divisor) = ?

The answer is David Davis. We think.

Auntie’s weather forecasters to no longer predict rain

LCD Views’ meteorological correspondent reports that there is, happily, no longer any chance of hearing warnings of bad weather looming from the BBC, thanks to a more patriotic and sunshine based set of forecasts.

“People no longer need to plan holidays away, you know, in the lands of dragons across the sea [The English Channel]. That’s because every day is going to be just lovely now, regardless of what remoaner barometers say.”

To find out more, we had our correspondent skip along through the dazzling rays to speak to one of the Beeb’s chief meteorologists, Nick Robinson, to understand the thinking behind the change,

“The bad weather is over. The duty we forecasters had to warn of shit storms, floods of negative growth and other events that require people to turn off their fans, is over.

Why? Because there are no longer various types of weather systems experienced by the United Kingdom, only sunshine. We’re now the united sunny uplands kingdom, if you will.”

This sounds exciting. I’m throwing away my winter coat and stocking up on sunscreen before the run on stocks.

“The BBC’s job is not to look into the distance wondering if blithe assertions of endless summers to come are completely crackers, just because some turtle on a fencepost with a corrosive greed based ideology who aims to personally profit from disaster, promised the good weather.

Whether you like torrential downpours or not, we’re giving you sunshine!

Sunshine!

Ignore the clouds!

Get out and risk a little heat stroke. You know it’s an achievement to get sun burn in England. There is absolutely no risk of skin cancer. Ever. Again.

Our job, now, is to encourage everyone in the country to pack a picnic basket and go to the common. It’s the new balance, if you will.

Stretch your legs out.

Do it today.

Worry not if you see an immigration enforcement van rounding up some subversive, university educated Europeans for an illegal detention before they’re marched across the Boris bridge to Calais.

Those lawsuits are for tomorrow. And if the plaintiffs aren’t in the country, what are they going to do? Appeal to the ECHR? Ha!

And to cement this sunny change to our land my colleague, John, and I will be recording a special charity single of ‘It’s a lovely day tomorrow’, to be broadcast each morning on the Today programme. Get behind it. We’re all Brexiters now! I mean, sunbathers.”

We’ll that’s reassuring, it’s like the entire UK has turned into the Costa del Sol suddenly, just with less Brits…

DExEU replaced with white elephant to save money

There are reports of outrage and even possible mutiny among staff at DExEu this morning, who arrived for work to discover the whole show has been replaced by a white elephant.

“It’s supposed to save money,” Phil, bookkeeper grumbled,

“but I’ll be buggered if I know how replacing a vast and expensive department set up in a rush with a flaming white elephant will save money?

How many billable hours does an elephant get through a day? Must be dozens.”

Security guards were also unimpressed.

“Mr Davis gave me a strong sense of stability and certainly in my job here. He took his lead from Ms May.

He catches the ear whenever he speaks, expansively, on furniture or the job of simply unravelling connections with 21st century commerce.

What flaming use is a white elephant instead of a department? Where will I put my mouse pad? On its rump?”

But a spokesman for the office of the prime minister clarified the vision behind the change,

“I’m not sure what all the fuss is about?

The Prime Minister made this change well over a year ago.

Liam ‘Air Miles’ Fox is next. We got two white elephants for the price of one. Genius accounting.”

We popped round to speak to our political naturist to get their insight.

“You could have told me you were dropping my,” C Nude snapped, “I’m just getting ready for the beach.”

We waited a moment for C to put something on and then he said,

“This is just a clarification of the philosophy driving all the changes made by Theresa May since she accepted the challenge of eradicating inequality and unfairness among the bonus culture of top CEO’s and donors to the Conservative Party, by making poor children work harder.

DExEU and The Department for International Trade is basically a pride of white elephants. Something we can all be proud of.

In fact, a white elephant more fittingly represents the office of the prime minister at the moment and I support this move.

You should write an op ed doing the same. I’m the entire United Kingdom  is uniting behind being one big white elephant instead of a modern, trading, outward focused, welcoming, modern, globally focused, efficient…”

There were lots of adjectives, in a row like deckchairs. We left soon after so he could put on his new clothes and go to the beach and get sunbathing.

NHS warns curing Boris Johnson of talking crap all the time will cost £100M per week alone

The NHS has issued a stark warning today that significant additional funding will be required just to cure Boris Johnson of his delusions of grandeur. Oh, and of talking crap all the time.

“I would estimate an additional £100M per week for five years,” Dr Focken Stopp told LCD Views.

“The handlers needed to contain and sedate him alone will cost millions.

Most will need to be brought in from countries that deal with rogue predators on a daily basis.”

Next it’s thought the sedatives required to make Mr Johnson safe will run to nearly a million pounds.

“And of course, it’s not certain any current biohazard facility will be suitable. It’s not just the security, it’s the padding and sound insulation for the treatment rooms.”

Feeding a beast of Mr Johnson’s size and appetite will also be costly.

“The sheer amount of bullshit he consumes is only matched by the amount that comes out of all of his orifices. The daily clean up bill, the water and soaps and disposable suits? Millions and millions.”

And this is just to establish a regime to attempt a cure.

“It will cause non-treatment of many existing NHS patients. Pretty much every psychologist and psychotherapist working in the service will need to be diverted to tackle Boris and his delusions of grandeur. Oh, and talking crap all the time.”

Are there any alternative treatments?

“Homeopathy is worth a try. Contact with even a microscopic amount of truth may prove fatal in the early stages of treatment.

I suspect the best cure would be for whoever on earth is voting this prize arsehat into office to just stop doing it.”

After then Mr Johnson could be given an LBC show, to continue with talking therapy, with his fans?

“No. I would recommend a hermitage on the same island near the North Pole all Conservative MP’s flee to when there’s bad news around. But for Boris, there’s no ship to bring him back. Just weekly food drops from high altitude.

It’s potentially a boom for flotation based tour operators. A Brexit bonus, if you will.”

Royal Navy to forcibly divert first ferry linking Ireland and Spain to stop Ireland subverting the will of the people

LCD Views’ has the patriotic duty to announce today that the government has ordered the Royal Navy to send its last frigate on a mission to divert the first ferry to travel between Cork, Ireland and Santander, Spain.

“Ireland and Spain are attempting to subvert the will of the people,” Boris Johnson will tell a media scrum this lunch time,

“the people of Britain, and Northern Ireland, delivered an overwhelming mandate on the 23rd June, 2016, to disrupt day to day life as much as possible across all the islands.

In fact, the mandate delivered by Northern Ireland alone should have led to the hardest of Brexits already.

They know that an imaginary customs border arrangement, made entirely of sponge and cheesecake, will more than suffice to stop any of the minor ramifications no one at Westminster is losing any sleep over and hoping will magically solve themselves, as with the boring Irish border question.

We are not going to allow the breakaway province of the Republic of Ireland, to upset the apple cart by simply doing what the rest of the world will do in 2019, ignore and go around us.

We are imperially minded towards Ireland still, it’s in our ruling Tory DNA, and don’t you forget it!”

The frigate, HMS Swansong, is currently in dry dock at Portsmouth having a Napoleonic era, mermaid figurine fitted to its prow.

“Once the mermaid, Starbucks, is fitted to the prow and its bust polished, the Swansong will be positioned off the coast of Cork and ready to pounce!”

The plan afterwards is to forcibly divert the Brittany Ferries’ boat to the coast of Cornwall. There it will beach in Mousehole harbour, climb up the harbour steps and begin to traverse across England on magic stilts designed by Mr Johnson.

This will deliver the economic boost to Cornwall promised by Brexit. More than compensating for any losses from EU development funding and investment.

“It ensures so much revenue generated from VAT alone, as the ferry stops at motorway services, that the NHS will be certain of funding forever.”

Afterwards, the HMS Swansong will travel to Dublin and capture the Irish Ferries’ tub, which intends to run between Dublin and France. This will be just before the Russians sink it.

“You can’t just subvert the will of the British people by making our mainland an irrelevance for your pocketbook going forward. We won’t have it.

And if it happens, we’ll deny it is happening. Pufflefabble!

Now, I’ve got to go and deliver a rubber cheque to the NHS before Hunt organises a counter offensive.”

Commemorative plates picturing the mermaid Starbacks on the HMS Swansong can be purchased direct from the 10 Downing Street shop, but only while stocks last.

BBC and Nigel Farage Corp to merge in a deal described as “maintaining the status quo”

Exciting news from the world of light entertainment today with the announcement that struggling broadcaster, British Broadcasting Corporation, is to grab a lifeline by merging with the evergreen Nigel Farage Corp.

“I’m over the moon,” J Bumblephrys, political editor on BBC flagship Yesterday, told our corporate takeover correspondent.

“Although it’s really just cementing what is already an extremely close working relationship, that borders on the shamelessly erotic at times.”

The merger, which is expected to be rubber stamped by DexEU on Friday, will see even more output from the Nigel Farage Corp on the publicly funded airwaves.

“There was a concern that with Nigel’s last light entertainment series, UKIP, receiving less viewers by the day, that the BBC would have to start generating some content of its own again,” Bumblephrys commented, “happily that’s not a concern now with the pilot episode of ‘The Brexit Party’ receiving rave reviews by upper management. Although I personally had ready years of ear grabbing content from NFC to replay in place of actually interrogating the lies to expose them,

“Those days are mercifully gone with the governing directive “will of the people” coming down from the top.”

For his part, CEO of the Nigel Farage Corporation, Nigel Farage, was similarly effusive.

“Imagine if you’ve made a name for yourself whipping up hysteria over emotive subjects that need sober consideration to separate lies from reality and you want to reach the widest possible audience so your shadowy backers get the biggest bang for their buck?”

You need the reach of a taxpayer funded organisation that has forgotten it doesn’t need to chase ratings, and is prepared to work with you in a symbiotic pairing?

“Yes. This merger is a dream come true, even if it’s just cementing in fact what has been happening in practice in reality. My life coach Steve Bannon is very pleased.”

Public response to the announcement is expected to be overwhelmingly positive and will be reported as such by the BBC regards of what it actually is.

“That episode of Yesterday,” Nigel added, “when John said my catchphrase, will of the people, 987 times in five minutes, I knew I’d made it for good then.”

Further reassurance was given to Mr Farage that even if he fails to be re-elected as an MEP the BBC will still provide wall to wall coverage of his every utterance, 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, 400 days a year.

Britons jealous Americans were able to shut down their government, even for just a few days

New research by polling giants. I C U Polling Giant, reveals that the majority of Britons are reportedly jealous that Americans were able to shut down their government.

“It’s like a dream,” head of Polling, Dr D Throat, told LCD Views,

“even though it was only for a couple of days. It shows the gulf in quality between Theresa May and Donald Trump.”

Although a temporary agreement appears to have been reached to restart government in the USA, it’s still had an impact on Britons.

“There was concern, amongst respondents to our survey, for the public employees who may have missed out on some earnings, but for most of our respondents it sounded like a mental health holiday.”

10 Downing Street is reportedly studying the findings, and how the shut down was achieved in the United States, to see about the feasibility of replicating it on this side of the pond.

“Although, to be fair, both the ruling Conservative Party, and the occasionally noisy, but largely irrelevant, official opposition at Westminster, could be said to be well on course to achieving the same outcome in major policy areas in the U.K.”

It’s felt they’re moving too slowly though.

“And they’re working together on the big one, on Brexit, so it’s hard to see how soon reality and fantasy can combine at Westminster, without the necessary pushback at the weakest points of the executive’s actions.”

Still, it has given hope to exhausted voters that there is perhaps a way to stop Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Theresa May and a host of other politicians making things worse for just a few days.

“Apparently Britons would even be prepared to pay them not to work,” Dr Throat added,

“a bit like paying a blackmailer to not hurt you anymore.”

Donald Trump declares that the Democrat Shutdown won’t stop him playing golf

The impasse over the American funding measure led to a bullish response from President Trump. He insisted that it was “business as usual”.

So confident was he, that he hastily put a suit on over his golfing outfit to pose on the Oval Office. “Everything is just fine,” he tweeted. “Just putting a few calls into some very good friends. The spoilsport Democrats will never stop me playing golf. Sad.”

A White House spokesman confirmed that the President’s attitude is that golf is not a matter of life and death, but was far more important than that.

Having got his priorities right, Trump toddled off to thrash Tiger Woods, leaving a trail of formal dress behind him.

Meanwhile, sports commentators are latching on to a whole new cliché. “Every sport, when there is a lull in proceedings, will describe this passage of play as a Democrat Shutdown,” explained cricket analyst Eaton Cakes. “Indeed, the MCC is considering its use as the new name of cricket.”

The worlds of rugby, snooker and Formula One are equally excited. Indeed, during a Grand Prix, the entire race in between the first and last laps will now be called a Democrat Shutdown, enabling fans to legitimately spend race day in the pub.

Meanwhile, the Shutdown has been resolved, at least for now. Since one effect of the Shutdown was to stop salary payments, the Democrats have relented sufficiently to allow them to be paid. Having made their point by exercising democracy, they now refuse to bear the responsibility that comes with it.

The Republicans made their way to the golf course to celebrate this victory. “Hitting a little white ball into a hole is a fitting metaphor for government,” said senator T. Off. ““It’s all about getting around quicker than the other chap.”

At least we now know what MAGA stands for. Make America Golf Again.

Middle aged Tories mocking millennials reminded that in 20 years time they’ll be using an app to turn off your life support

LCD Views has been chosen by the Institute for Elder Studies, a Washington based think tank, to remind middle aged people that,

”…in 20 years time, or less, the millennials they’re busy mocking will be using an app to decide whether or not to turn off your life support.

“We here at the IES do not believe middle aged, and older people, should be ripping the piss out of millennials too hard,” Professor Suez Crisis warms.

“It’s no surprise young people are obsessed with Snapconversation, Instaletter and other platforms newer than Facepamphlet.

We’ve given them climate change, Brexit, Trump, Cold War 2.0 “the reboot”, increasing automation of jobs, and with all the complete televised garbage we’ve been beaming out into the galaxy for decades, there’s an increasing degree of probability that aliens will just nuke us all from space, just to be sure.”

The likelihood of aliens destroying humanity to save them from another season of Celebrity Big Brother aside, the warning is a timely one.

“You might think that video sketch you’re sharing on Facepamphlet is just a light hearted giggle aimed at millennials, but,”

Here’s the but,

“So many of you have helicopter parented and validated your offspring to such a degree that the slightest personal criticism they receive, the event of hearing a solid ‘no’, will likely turn them into genicidal, euthanizing crazy people.

I’d cut the jokes, or at least add a fulsome apology for melting the ice caps along with the Snaptalk gag.”

On the plus side, it’s just as likely millennials won’t be using a app to turn off the life support systems of their parents and grandparents in the future, because they’ll all have become orgy crazed holograms existing only in cyberspace.

“We could get lucky,” Professor Suez shrugs, “there’s not one technological advance that hasn’t instantly been used for porn.

Silicone Valley might save us with holoporn before it allows furious millennials to kill us with euthan-appChat.”