LCD Views

SLIPPERY WHEN WET : The BBC is making so many blunders nowadays, with identification of well known public figures, it’s getting difficult to know what’s a genuine error and what’s a result of allowing Tory Party plants to riddle the editorial chain.

And fresh on the heels of their inability to locate an actual photo of various Labour Party MPs, they’ve now gone and screwed up with a story about another famous British politician (of refugee Huguenot stock, well known for attempting to get a German passport after Brexit).

“It’s an easy mistake to make,” an advocate of the publicly funded broadcaster excused, “they ran a story about the UK’s fishing industry and how it maybe negatively impacted by the country’s desire to become a fading outpost of kleptomaniac corruption, ie Brexit. Of course they thought of Nigel and his tireless efforts to use the everyday struggles (of an industry mismanaged in Westminster) as a centrepiece, as advocate of the fishing communities.”

But in doing so it seems someone in the editorial chain simply googled up “famous British fishing advocate”, found a meme about Nigel Farage and used it.

“The problem is that the image is a play on the famous Fisherman Friend’s lozenges. But only they’ve utilised clever word play and substituted fraud for friend. It’s fair to say the career politician, elite wannabe, Brussel’s gravy train riding Farage was not best pleased.”

By the insult?

“No by the accuracy. The BBC is never knowingly accurate when it comes to Nigel Farage.”

A fulsome apology is expected from the BBC hierarchy.

• We’ve all seen the meme used in the image. No idea who to credit, as is common with monster memes, but found it here -https://www.reddit.com/r/BrexitMemes/comments/bcr6cb/farage_fishermans_fraud_as_found_on_twitter/

STAR BURSTS : Knowing which side your bread is buttered on has never been more important than now as the UK seizes the opportunities made possible by complete severance with ill thought out continental rules and red tape.

Take that Brussels!

The same is true of restaurant ratings. As of today the dodgy French system of rating an eatery’s quality in alignment with the whims and peculiarities of a fat French bloke made of car tyres, driving randomly around the landscape, is no more in Britain.

No less august culinary authority than the Home Office has banned Michelin Stars and replaced them with a proper, traditional British system.

“Potatriot Stars will let you know if a place serves proper grub the right way,” Home Office junior minister, Mr Gout, told LCD Views, “one star, or Francois as we’ve nicknamed them, will let you know a cafe or restaurant has both brown and red sauce available. Two stars will tell you the liquor on that mash has the right fragrance, reminiscent of suspicious bodily fluids. But three Francois’s tells you you’re in for a meat and two veg extravaganza, consisting of something that looks like meat and two veg, perhaps even of two different varieties.”

Guide books will be issued and be available for British motorists when they renew their passports to ones they won’t use much anymore.

“A Potatriot Star, or Stars, will confirm you’re dining in an establishment that will never serve you an avocado. It won’t threaten you with anything vaguely fat free. It will definitely be dishing up proper grub, with vegetables that have been boiled for a legal minimum of three to four hours, until those greens are greys. Mmm, good old fashioned food the way it used to be.”

But we hear there will be some restaurants that will be excluded from ever gaining a Francois?

“Yes. Vegan restaurants. They’re to be boarded up and burnt to the ground as Britons break free of the shackles of Brussels!”

BREAKING BRITAIN : TRADE TZAR LIZ TRUSS has her work cut out for her today in pursuit of her free trade deal with North Korea after her boss blundered across sacred ground for the North Korean leadership.

In a speech in Greenwich yesterday Mr Johnson made many bold and invigorating claims about the country’s future, but it was assertions made about his own glorious, personal history that are proving to be the issue, as the fall out from his word salad explosion settles.

“Clearly great leaders need a great story. That’s a given. And initially no one paid attention to Mr Johnson’s claims in the culinary field,” our political analyst reveals, “he’s a wise and mighty leader, why can’t he invent new types of food? Besides, the audience was too busy feeling their temperature rise and their blood get hot as Boris weaved his magic. Just imagine the undoubted future potential of an industrialised, trading nation with no trade arrangements with anyone whatsoever? The post Brexit landscape is lit up with potential all over.”

But all the deserved fawning over Mr Johnson’s oratory aside, there is fall out a day later after one of the UK’s best hopes for a rapid, post Brexit trade deal, North Korea, issued a sternly worded, hamburger flavoured rebuke. They’re not happy at all and they’re not letting it go.

“Apparently it could end up in court,” our analyst goes on, “the North Korean government has it listed as official history that the current leader’s father, the late Kim-jong Il, invented a dish called ‘double bread with meat’, otherwise known as the hamburger. For Mr Johnson to claim it was he himself that invented the ‘Gogigyeopbbang’ has really set the fox amongst the pigeons of international relations with a state Mr Johnson clearly admires. And one whose methods of governance he’s keen to emulate.”

https://www.theguardian.com/world/shortcuts/2011/dec/19/kim-jong-il-things-never-knew

But all is not lost for Ms Truss at least.

“She’s set a team to work breeding giant rabbits,” our analyst enthuses, “so regardless of what, if any, trading arrangements are in place when the transition out of the EU ends with the end of 2020. No one in Britain needs to worry about famine.”